WHOA HEY  11:58 am December 30, 2008

Roger Ebert Writes Insane Political Things On His Blog!

by Jim Newell

At some point in recent Internet history, the Chicago Sun-Times gave its famous film critic Roger Ebert a film blog, to write about film. Well fuck film! Now he just writes hilarious geopolitical rants next to pictures of triangles and octagons, like all bloggers.

Here’s a sample; just skim through the proper nouns to get the gist (this is really the only way to “read” political writing anymore):

The Amish can grow their own food and heat their own homes and feed their own horses, and where does that leave us? Many of my readers right now are living in the middle of vast urban areas, 50 miles from farmland One partner has been laid off, the other fears the same. There are children and mortgage payments. What will they do on the level of survival? I’ve been reading a memoir by Larry Woiwode, who farms his own land in North Dakota and may not have foreseen disaster but seems prepared to deal with it.

How will my family fare? Yes, we’ve earned some nice money in our careers. But I have found that nothing cures wealth like illness. Few people in this country can afford to get seriously ill, and many cannot afford to take a single day off from their job–or jobs. Under Bush we doubled our national debt in only eight years. Now the experts say Obama will have no choice but to increase it even further, with “bailouts” of an increasingly leaky ship. That means spending money we do not have–printing it, in the final analysis. That leads to inflation. Inflation leads to legends of fortunes in pre-war Germany reduced to worthless paper, of people trading shopping bags full of banknotes for a loaf of bread. What does money mean when it is backed only by debt?

What if war in the Middle East cuts off oil, even if OPEC wants to sell it? What if the shipping lanes are blocked? What will happen then? Less developed countries may paradoxically be better off. The closer to the land and to subsistence a family lives, the better-equipped it is to survive. The unemployed family in the middle of a city will have savings, unemployment insurance, maybe government and private assistance of various kinds, and may be able to just get by, but how long will that last? Everybody can’t move in with the relatives. Some people have to be the relatives.

And then George Clooney blew up the Saudi prince’s motorcade, bringing a satisfying end to Pirates of the Caribbean 3, a legal thriller narrated by Morgan Freeman. It’s true.

Ha ha what the hell Ebert! He goes on and on like this for much longer. (“I googled ‘power blackout Oahu’ and found only 17,000 hits. If you know anything about Google, you know this was a freak weather occurrence.”) Amazing. RSS subscription, check. OMG Roger stop engaging the commenters!

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold [Roger Ebert's Journal]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 46 comments }

V572625694 December 30, 2008 at 12:02 pm

God yes, engaging the commenters is the worst imaginable thing.

ManchuCandidate December 30, 2008 at 12:02 pm

I give it a Thumbs down.

actor212 December 30, 2008 at 12:03 pm

Thanks for pointing all that out, Captain Obvious.

Larry McAwful December 30, 2008 at 12:05 pm

Personally, I have a pretty high threshhold for crazy and irrelevent. I don’t dismiss anyone until they start talking about how the Sixteenth Amendment wasn’t really passed or they bring up cryogenics.

Recent Elvis Presley witnesses and UFO cultists welcome, though! By my standards, Ebert’s non-movie rant is tame.

gjdodger December 30, 2008 at 12:09 pm

Roger the Magic Critic

Naked Bunny with a Whip December 30, 2008 at 12:10 pm

Octagons are so gay. I’m a triangle because I’m bi dom furry.

I just totally blew your mind. Or something.

Vanity Smurf December 30, 2008 at 12:13 pm

Sounds like somebody needs a spa weekend with Oprah.

Monsieur Grumpe December 30, 2008 at 12:13 pm

I’m guessing he cried when he watched Wall-E.

SayItWithWookies December 30, 2008 at 12:13 pm

I wonder if, when WB Yeats was writing “The Second Coming,” he realized it would be glommed onto by everybody writing a whacked-out apocalyptic rant from that moment on, whether it applied or not.

Bruno December 30, 2008 at 12:16 pm

I think he heard about an empty senate and governor’s seat in IL and thinks he’s more famous than some Kennedy girl, so WTF – go for it.

4tehlulz December 30, 2008 at 12:16 pm

>>I’ve been reading a memoir by Larry Woiwode, who farms his own land in North Dakota and may not have foreseen disaster but seems prepared to deal with it.

PROTIP: North Dakota is home to many American ICBMs and B-52 bombers; therefore, Larry Woiwode will not have to worry about long-term survival should the economy and world political order completely collapse.

lenorecutie December 30, 2008 at 12:17 pm

It’s not a rant. It’s the plot to the new Harrison Ford movie “Witness 2, The Revenge of Jebbadiah.” Shame on him for giving it away.

MoodProcessor December 30, 2008 at 12:18 pm

He bitches now. Wait till he sees the price of movie theater popcorn!

V572625694 December 30, 2008 at 12:18 pm

[re=206634]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Right — like when Dame Peggy coined “a thousand points of light” for Bush the First, and saw it turned into the bitterest and most ironic statement of the failure of his administration to enlighten anyone or anything.

There’s this difference, though: Yeats could write. And there’s another difference: Bush I looks like a resounding success compared to his son. It’ll all get better when Jeb’s elected in ’12.

Bruno December 30, 2008 at 12:19 pm

Why is this guy racist against rectagles? When are they going to get a fair break? Or do they have to become ‘Magic Squares’ to be noticed?

Darehead December 30, 2008 at 12:20 pm

Now we know the terrorists have won.

TJBeck December 30, 2008 at 12:24 pm

Wait wait wait, does that say what I think it says? In the top right of the Ebert blog, there’s this little promotional review clip:

“The comments from readers … are about the best you will see on a blog.”
– Computerworld magazine

Well fuck them. That shit might work in the movie industries, taking quotes from other people, taking out chunks and using them for self-promotion. We can do that here, too.

Several … dozen times a day I click my way to Gawker and Wonkette for a couple of minutes of reading … If you’ve yet to visit these blogs, imagine them as the twin offspring of a date-rape incident between Drudge Report and the original Spy magazine. -
Jack Shafer, slate.com

And we commenters are far better than those erudite fucktards.

Bruno December 30, 2008 at 12:24 pm

This sounds like a challenge to me…

“The comments from readers … are about the best you will see on a blog.”
– Computerworld magazine

However, do we really want to impress the readers of Computerworld magazine?

V572625694 December 30, 2008 at 12:27 pm

[re=206652]TJBeck[/re]: [re=206654]Bruno[/re]: Computerworld? Is that still being printed? Is it full of maintenance tips for your IBM System 360?

TJBeck December 30, 2008 at 12:28 pm

[re=206654]Bruno[/re]: why doin’t you post soething original, dippshit. LOL!!11! TruckNutz 4eva!

Purple Tide December 30, 2008 at 12:31 pm

If you think THAT’s trenchant political commentary, wait’ll you get a load of the tapes of Gene Siskel underground kickboxing. That motherfucker could really whoop some hobo ass.

Thegreatbacon December 30, 2008 at 12:32 pm

It’s not a real apocalypse rant without zombies or robots that hate humans.

TJBeck December 30, 2008 at 12:35 pm

[re=206655]V572625694[/re]: not only do they still exist, but evidently they have blogs about politics, such as Was “Karl Rove’s IT guru” murdered? from yesterday.

WIDTAP December 30, 2008 at 12:36 pm

Next on Ebert’s schedule: a new blog pissing on FDR speeches and Van Johnson movies.
Following this, a top ten list of the best Mel Gibson post-apocalypse movies.
…and by Friday a weekend review of how crappy Chicago winters are.

Canmon (the Inadequate) December 30, 2008 at 12:38 pm

I’ve read more rational articles on Ron Paul websites.

Airborne Toxic Event December 30, 2008 at 12:38 pm

With, with geometric logic.

shortsshortsshorts December 30, 2008 at 12:40 pm

It has been long believed among people with any logic whatsoever that one should immediately believe the opposite of what Ebert says. His film reviews have poured concrete into this belief, thereby rendering him useless.

regisgoat December 30, 2008 at 12:42 pm

[re=206633]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I cried when I watched Wall-E, but this was a little on the weird side. Hey, Sex Drive had some good gags in it!

bitchincamaro December 30, 2008 at 12:42 pm

Not enough Hollywood names in bold type. Cannot read you, Roger. Please get your voice back.

regisgoat December 30, 2008 at 12:45 pm

And another thing, did you ever see that National Lampoon thing about the book of the month club where every single book title was taken from that Yeats poem?
The Center Cannot Hold: Memoir of “Gentleman Jimmy” Yablonski, record holder of the most intercepted passes in the NFL
Its Slow Thighs: Erotica about a three-toed sloth fancier’s forbidden love.
and so forth.

rev_matt_y December 30, 2008 at 12:46 pm

Sex Drive sounds truly truly awful. Is it on Netflix?

“magine them as the twin offspring of a date-rape incident between Drudge Report and the original Spy magazine.”

I prefer to think of us as the true heirs to lamented 90′s S.F. snark mag The Nose.

Come here a minute December 30, 2008 at 12:50 pm

Looks like Ebert is too late on the Blago appointment attempt…

Warren Terror December 30, 2008 at 12:54 pm

I think Ron Paul got to him.

Bruno December 30, 2008 at 1:12 pm

[re=206657]TJBeck[/re]: I think you were milliseconds faster on the trigger. Do you want to punish me closet Republican style or free love democrat style?

GreyPanter December 30, 2008 at 1:23 pm

I think he’s making a pentagon with a missing gon. He does Molly Bloom really well, except that it has less relevance to politics.

GreyPanter December 30, 2008 at 1:35 pm

[re=206666]WIDTAP[/re]: “Year of Living Dangerously” is a cool movie. (A young) Mel’s contribution was merely to look handsome, and he did a good job.

actor212 December 30, 2008 at 2:22 pm

[re=206652]TJBeck[/re]: Spy Magazine made it possible for me to out myself as a snarkasexual.

Jerri December 30, 2008 at 2:33 pm

Ebert: Hope I don’t die with sh*t on my face.

Ebert, you are a humble man with simple dreams. My hat is off to you.

Min December 30, 2008 at 2:33 pm

Wow. That sounds like a really crappy movie.

qaf December 30, 2008 at 3:15 pm

Wow, sounds like nearly dying from cancer (has he recovered enough to be able to speak yet?) has really messed him up. Hopefully Wonkette and Campbell Brown will be able to report some wacko things that Eartha Kitt and Harold Pinter said recently, for balance. Cancer: two thumbs up!

p-Sludge December 30, 2008 at 3:17 pm

Well, somebody had to stand up and some point and say “Non-Amish person, at long last, have you no decency?!” If that had to be Roger Ebert, so be it.

Aurelio December 30, 2008 at 3:55 pm

There is nothing wrong with Ebert that a megadose of Xanax wouldn’t cure.

actor212 December 30, 2008 at 4:17 pm

[re=206904]p-Sludge[/re]: Amish porn is really pretty cool!

Phil Proctor has a whole list of titles!

For example: Barnraiser, The Devil Wore Plaid, Riding In Cars With Anyone, The Bare Wrist Project…

facehead December 30, 2008 at 4:28 pm

That’s one way to gun for Blago’s job.

IceCreamEmpress December 30, 2008 at 5:48 pm

I read that memoir by Larry Woiwode, too, and a MOTHERFUCKING TRACTOR FELL ON HIM AND ALMOST KILLED HIM {spoiler}.

I don’t know about you, but that never happens in my neighborhood.

WIDTAP December 30, 2008 at 9:47 pm

[re=206765]GreyPanter[/re]: Aren’t we all a little freaky for Linda Hunt? (No? Just me? Ok.)

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