Wonkette
Oh hi, people. This is your holiday editor of the day, wishing you good seasons &c. It is too bad your editor’s fucking plane can’t get to Portland (Oregon), ever, so he is back home again, where there is also a new blizzard, and many feet of tragic snow! Hope your holiday travels worked out a little bit better, and if not, well, that’s why motherfuckin’ baby jesus invented alcohol and pills and the marijuana. [STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL MYSTERY LINK]
Yeah, west coast is kind of shut down right now because the fuckin hippies don’t want to salt the roads.
OK, for once the Blagger wins that hair contest, yuk.
bago: Maybe the roads have high blood pressure and too much sodium can be dangerous?
After all, the arteries out there are always clogged!
*ducking*
It just isn’t Christmas unless I see wookies taking cooking lessons from Harvey Korman in drag or Bea Arthur singing showtunes in the Star Wars cantina. These are our American traditions. Thanks Lucas!
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
Watching that made my penis shrink.
bago: Seriously, is that why the roads are so bad? I am going to school out there and I’ve never seen people react so insanely to snow. It is almost like they are afraid of nature!
“Salt, which is a more effective method of melting ice and snow……”
…and turning new cars into rust buckets.
Uhh, there’s a hair in mine…
Come on, Ken — you live in Santa fucking Barbara, and it ain’t snowing there.
Miller: Plus Diahann Carroll (Diahann Fuckin’ Carroll!!). She is Star Wars’s third-greatest villain, behind Boba Fett and Jabba’s cackling monkey-thing.
Last week, one inch of snow basically crippled the city of Portland.
Chain up, motherfuckers!
Until this moment, I had never realized how massively gay Star Wars was. My laptop is hopping up and down with excitement.
Is that Tony Curtis? Is this the cult sci-fi hit: “Some Like It Hairy”?
never mind the star wars xmas special, the best xmas movie ever is die hard….
Give Portland a break! We’ve gotten nearly 2′ of snow in the past week or so, with occasional freezing rain to ice things up, in a city that seldom gets snow and so doesn’t own a lot of plows etc. There’s also a shortage of sand on the whole west coast, but generally folks are still getting around fine — just slowly. Me, I’m feeling awesome about the giant 4WD Chevy Tahoe (2000; 110,000 mi.) I bought, against everyone’s advice, last summer for 1/2 blue book. And the scenery’s gorgeous, and Mt. Hood is finally getting skiable, with light snow for once!
Lucas hires Coreman for the shittiest Xmas special ever. Haha. This fail is right up there with Howard the Duck…oh and every starwars movie with Hayden Christensen in it.
I am not watching a Star Wars Christmas special- NO. I will watch the original Miracle on 34th Street tonight -which -despite being jewish and not celebrating Christmas- I own on DVD. Also how many terrible versions of A Christmas Carol are there? Why didn’t they stop after the 1930’s version and Mr. Magoo(and ok- the Bill Murray one with Carol Kane)? When Charles was writing that book- he told me he didn’t want Patrick Stewart or Vanessa Williams to be in movie versions of his classic.
Scoobey: There is a shortage of sand on the West Coast? Isn’t the Pacific ocean still out there?
prophet1195: They have this new (decades old) thing called “Rust Protection” that I’m sure your new car salesman would be MORE than happy to tell you about. My little city of 50,000 used over 550 tons of salt on the roads last year and the only rusty cars I see are driven by hobo can collectors. You may have to pay a few hundred extra when you buy your car, but actually being able to drive after a week of freezing rain is a pretty nice trade-off.
Why is there an add for Free Halloween Smileys up in here? Is poor Wonkette so broke we got it on clearance? And Ken, sorry about your fucking Xmas travel plans.
Greatest/worst Christmas(/Wookie Life Day) of all time. Carrie Fisher is so massively high in this. You should have posted the part with horny grandpa Wookie and his fantasy human woman pleasure hologram.
I was lucky enough to see a bootleg of this complete with the original CBS commercials. They had these long ads by the American auto industry begging Americans to save its worthless, financially imperiled ass. Some things never change.
Wookiees has two e’s! Two e’s!!
[/nerd]
JohnnyMeatworth: Yeah, its up there with Lethal Weapon. I personally like Black Christmas directed by the same guy who did the Christmas Story.
V572625694: I live in Santa Barbara now? Thank you, Jesus/Santa! Where is my new mansion?
Ken Layne: Don’t feel too bad Ken, I’m stuck here in sunny all year round Barbados. Its where I live actually:) Yuck!
Nothing like a horrible regional air service to ruin your mood.
Air travel here sucks!
Ken Layne: Ken, your recent travel adventures can only mean one thing-you are causing the problem! Promise me you’re not going to the inauguration….
Riotting: Yeah, Seriously. They’re trying to create a hardpack snow surface when the surface is melting. Anyone with any experience knows this is retarded because you cause uneven melts that will throw your vehicle off by ten degrees at seemingly random intervals. Add to this fucktons of Bellevue Brats who think that 4wd gives them enhanced stopping power and you have fuctardery for the ages.
Also, Actor212: good one.
Ugh, i was actually one of the last to make it out of Portland, which makes me a bit sad. I hear there’s skiing in the streets, sledding, jumps, and rafts with cooking spray being used there. And now I’m stuck with more snow, family, and Xanax (thanks, friend!). I’m sorry, Ken.
If you think this is bad then wait for the Star Wars Musical. Lucas apparently approved one to be at a theatre near you.
What is a more Furry than a Wookiee?
And poor Missouri, which often CAN have beautiful snow, is just wet and grey and lukewarm. Boo.
CivicHoliday: oh hey, I just described Blago’s penis!
That’s fantastic. I remember watching this on TV when I was… nine? This ran in 1978, didn’t it?
I grew up to become a huge Jefferson Starship fan, so I guess that means I failed at life. But I still love the part of that special where Jefferson Starship plays, even though I have “Light the Sky on Fire” on 45. I’d link it for you if I could find it.
Please don’t judge me too harshly.
Gee, thanks Ken — and I didn’t even get you anything.
Dear Mr. Wookiee,
Two words. Hair Net.
Regards,
MG
The only safe way to watch this: http://www.rifftrax.com/rifftrax/star-wars-holiday-special
Ken Layne: I understand they’re widely available at excellent discounts, haha. Thought you said you’d moved there.
obfuscator: HAHAHAHAHAHA oh my God I am currently sitting under about eight inches here in Minneapolis. (Fire dick jokes, away!) Seriously, chuff up you Portland pussies.
This made me wish for a RickRoll — they’re only 3 minutes, not 7:30.
The Oopma-loompa Julia Child will not be broadcasting live this year, do to the fact that she is protesting down at the Saddleback Ranch.
DeLand DeLakes: Well it’s actually pretty awesome because there are fun snow times since schools and work places shut down. In all seriousness, which I know is ill-advised, they don’t have similar resources to MN because 1) it rarely snows in the valley like this B) they’re trying to be a bit more environmentally friendly.
Yeah, Portland needs to suck it. On Queen Anne hill here in Seattle, we got 4-5 inches this morning, and I am surrounded by a bay and a lake, and like on a 35 degree hill. There’s only one hill in the southwest of portland that could even begin to compare.
bago: Portland actually had 14 inches of snow, and because of the winds there are drifts that make it almost impossible to get around even with chains. Not that I’m really interested in a pissing contest over this, but I’m just saying. I’d much rather get into a pissing contest over coffee if that’s what you’re looking for.
V572625694: He only went to SB to visit Neverland Ranch once. Ken would never abandon his Mojave desert missile silo - the unavailability of MIRV-tipped ICBMs being one of the many things he dislikes about city life.
dear editor Ken,
sorry you cannot get home to Portland.
if the W. coast wants some of our road aalt, they can come out to Montgomery
County, where the public works folks overworked themselves massively
between the big River Road whitewater water main break and the
hint that we might get freezing rain ‘n stuff, here in MD, the wussiest
of wussy snow-fearing lands.
on the inimitable Wookiee clip:
1. that Julia Child doesn’t sound like Harvey Kormann. She sounds
like R2-D2.
2. this clip could be an audition tape for a new FOOD NETWORK show
called THIRTY BANTHA MEALS.
3. I did not know that George Lucas was aware of the British theatrical
panto tradition.
Merry Christmas to all!
I’ve tried showing the Star Wars Holiday Special in its entirety to my Star Wars-obsessed 3-year-old (after all, I had to sit through the damn thing at his age) but he was able to just close my laptop. I wonder at times if there are some really, really sad geeks out there who unironically celebrate ‘Life Day’ and wear extra eyeliner in honor of whatever genius did Ford and Hamill’s makeup that day.
Having said that, at least it’s shorter than the prequels or The Ewok Adventure.
I use my cock to successfully prepare that recipe. …Too much information? I’m sorry.
YOU LIE KEN LAYNE.
I am 2 hours north of you in Bishop right now and there ain’t no mother fuckin’ snow. If there was I would be at Mammoth swimming in fresh powder and conversing with the gods of skiing. LIES. ALL OF THEM ARE LIES. Your editor probably can’t get to Portland because he’s drunk and lost his car keys.
At the risk of not sounding snarky, I want to wish Wonkette and all of you posters (except for maybe that weird Reverand what’s-his-name) a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Cool Kwanza, Spectacular Soltice, or whatever you folks celebrate. You have given me hours of lunchtime reading pleasure. I couldn’t make it through a workday without you!
Ken Layne: If you ever moved to Santa Barbara, I would not only destroy your website, but also the state of California. Still I call bullshit on the Mohave snow thing.
V572625694: I thought he lived at the Spahn Ranch.
Yeah, so okay. It doesn’t ever snow in Portland, so much. Therefore one can give us a little fucking leeway, yes? I know how to drive in snow, but lots of people don’t, and they are the true menace, though largely only to themselves. The bars are packed, though, most people are walking and enjoying themselves, it looks like. Sorry we’re not tough like Queen Anne up there, or someone stupid enough to live in Minneapolis.
And: that wookee had a flat-screen plasma teevee, dammit!
spontaneousabortion: Coffee, eh? One of the mysteries of Seattle is that so much of the coffee there is awful. Not just franchises like Starbucks and Tullys, but everywhere. Vivace and Diva are probably still decent, but even then the baristas can be of variable skill if you’re there during non-peak hours. My suspicion is that they believe people won’t think it’s got caffeine in it unless it tastes like you’re chewing the coffee grounds.
finallyhappy: The Alistair Sim version is the best one. Filmed in 1951 I believe. The rest suck Xmas butt.
Ken Layne: I thought you graduated from U of SB according to Wikipedia, which was wrong. Or was that some other ediotr? too mush eggnog…