Look everyone, it’s Rick Warren’s weekly YouTube address to his congregants — but you can watch it too! So what’s the topic this week, lunchbox? Jesus do one thing or another? Oh, it’s a response to your depiction in the media of late as a bigot. And a rant against bloggers. How secular!

His first point is, of course, majestically condescending: “I have traveled around the world a lot and, you know, I’ve learned several things about the media in the last few years.” Whatever do you mean, sage journeyman? “One of them is that the media never gets it 100% correct.” That is PATENTLY FALSE, sir! We don’t care what some Mongolian goat herder or whatever told you; the hell would a goat herder know about the media anyway.

And why does he think the media gets things wrong? Hint: it has nothing to do with Jews. He says very tenderly that it’s “because we’re humans,” although you may hear these words as “[patronize] [patronize] [patronize].”

Thing Rick Warren Learned About The Media While Traveling Part 2: “The media loves to create conflict.” Another lie. The media would much rather have there be no news.

He blames this on (a) angry talk radio hosts and (b) “the bloggers who really need to get a life.” Hey man, we’re not the ones who earn livings by scaring people with ancient ghost legends.

He explains that people think they can “sit in the quietness of their own home and hide behind the screens and hurl all kinds of bombs at people and get away with it. Well, no, they’re just being rude.” He’s describing the exact thing that he’s doing.

We could dissect this line-by-line, but suffice it to say that he thinks homosexuality is a choice (of course he does) ergo a sin against God BUT HE DOESN’T JUDGE, the gays should have the freedom to make their own choices, except when that choice is to get married.

UPDATE: Rick Warren is popular partly because many consider him to have a more… pleasing… demeanor than, say, Jerry Falwell, who simply screamed like a cracker jackal about the queers, endlessly. If you watch this video, though, and look past his broader arguments (which are already bigoted), you catch little bits like this: “Now, gay partnerships are typically between consenting adults.” Yes, just like straight partnerships, gay partnerships require mutual consent from both parties to commence said partnership, hence the word PARTNERSHIP. Lunchbox’s usage of “typically” is not an accident — gay people are lustful beasts incapable of actual love, is the suggestion. He is a very homophobic man, despite the shininess.

Rick Warren says media and bloggers are lying about him [YouTube]

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  1. Dear Rick:

    You’re fat. And I think you’re fat because of sexual repression. You eat instead of having teh buttsecks. Have teh buttsecks and lose some weight. Or ask your friend Larry Craig to show you how to cruise the men’s room to suck a random dick.

  2. The longer this goes on, the more I am convinced that Obama just trolled us all. Rick Warren is flopping all over, Richard Cohen is outing his sister in a national newspaper, the evangelicals are pissy at Rick, Internet Rageaholics are all out of kilter, the media’s using Wonkette as a source of TEH LEFT RAEG.

    I am in awe of its perfection.

  3. Yes, homosexuality is certainly a choice. I remember choosing the life of a second-class citizen around fifteen. I was having sex with girls and I just said “the fuck? I could be stone-cold banging dudes too. Hey, why not?”

    It was as simple as that. really.

  4. With a nice prison pussy like that, how could he be anti-Gay?

    See, one more step to appeal to America’s new mainstream. He focuses only on the meaning of “marriage” to make us forget the rest.

  5. It’s wonderful that Rick Warren is on this crusade to keep the 5,000 year old definition of marriage intact — that is, the right of one man to own up to four women as property so long as they aren’t members of a different race. You go, dumbass.

  6. I hope some creative queers somewhere do something at the inauguration to completely embarrass that fag-hating negro. I hope the band cancels the night before. Or even better, I hope they go anyway, stop in front of the reviewing stand and ‘drop trou’ right in front of that goddamned asshole Obama. Fuck him.

  7. How come this media sage doesn’t understand that getting anyone to watch a Youtube video longer than 30 seconds requires nudity, explosions or blood.

  8. Rick Warren is the ultimate regifter… wrapping the same old bullshit handed to him from some cheap asshole in different packaging and handing it off to someone else as an original gift. He’s the Dr. Phil of religious flim-flam men.

    Go get lost, you big, lumpy, porcine fat fuck. Aren’t there any countries left with ravenous cannibals that you can go visit as a missionary?

  9. I love how modern Christians (in America no less) talk about loving the people who attack them.
    Cuz modern Christians are attacked so frequently in America. Right out in the street.

  10. My favorite part is when he says that his definition of marriage–one man, one woman–has been “universally accepted since the beginning of man.” I mean, read the Old Testament much? Nah, I guess not.

  11. T-T-T-T-Today, Junior! For the New Voice of God, Mr. Warren sure stutters a lot.

    Oh and what the fuck is up with “redefinition of marriage” crap? Since when did fucking Christian Conservatives start opposing gay marriage on the basis linguistics? Next they’re going to oppose gay marriage because it alters Jesus Cristo’s sacred lexical semantics.

  12. [re=204814]Atheist Nun[/re]:

    He’d feed a bunch of cannibals. How does that old saying go…?

    It takes a village to braise a big, lumpy, porcine fat fuck.

  13. [re=204814]Atheist Nun[/re]: Careful with the sexy talk, I’m eating Cheetos™ and it would be inconvenient for me to stain the johnson at this time….

  14. Hey man, we’re not the ones who earn livings by scaring people with ancient ghost legends.

    Heh, heh, heh, nice one.

    Also, because you know all of these wiser-than-thou douchenozzle Christians (who recite this talking point as if it were undisputed fact) have done exhaustive anthropological, historical, and cultural research into the matter.

  15. >>have done exhaustive anthropological, historical, and cultural research into the matter.

    Or as other people call it, “Actually reading the Bible.”

  16. I’m more comfortable with a politician using religion than a pastor using politics. I hate that fat fuck’s familiar tone. I love the way he pretends to be an expert on the history of marriage.

  17. [re=204836]4tehlulz[/re]:
    There’s always that, too. If only Bibles were cheap, plentiful, and readily available in many diverse formats. If only…

  18. [re=204838]specialed[/re]: Hey, hey- I’ve said this several times already in a number of different Wonkette comment sections- DO NOT STEAL MY MATERIAL!!!

  19. “Gay partnerships are typically between consenting adults…”

    Typically? What a fuckstick. The rest of us are just raping our partners. Fuckstick.

  20. unfortunately, that was a very well reasoned and moderate defense of his position. which means we’re winning, since we’re talking about feel-goodie Rick Warren, not Jerry Falwell or his ilk.

  21. No no no, christians are the new Jews. They are so persecuted. Especially in this country, with everyone trying to ram teh gey down their throat and make them marry the little boys they like to diddle.

    Yeah, and, y-y-y-you bl-bl-bloggers just ne-ne-need to ge-ge-get a li-li-life, ha-ha-haterz!

    Someone needs to tell in-the-closet Porky the old saying about digging yourself a bigger hole, or give him enough rope, or not flailing around in quicksand or whatever it is. Cuz he’s not helping himself much here.

    Nothing more soothing to the nerves of a non-xtian than faux righteousness mixed with a large helping of faux peace & faux love from your faux desert resurrection cult. Someone ask him about transubstantiation and cannibalism please. That’s just fucking weird.

  22. There’s regular geynez. Then there’s “choice” geynez, which will cost you extra. If you’re bored with that, you might want to spring for “prime”.

  23. He strikes me as someone who is a noisy and demanding bottom. Who then cries afterwards, and leaves, like, 100 voicemails.

    AND the Hitch wrote a delish screed about him in Slate. I really, really hate it when someone does something that makes me like the Hitch.

  24. I finally get it! He was concerned that some people might think that even though he is not in favor of gay marriage, he is okay with incestuous marriages or a marriage between a human and an animal. But no! He’s also against those other non-biblical relationships. Case closed, everybody! Now people of all religions can go back to their historical practices of sati (, selling their eight-year-old daughters as wives to 58-year-old men (, and women keeping silent in church and not teaching men (1 Corinthians 11:8-10 and 1 Timothy 2:11-15).

  25. Homosexuality is a choice. And I chose to be gay. So stop acting like if it really was a choice, I would immediately choose to be straight. (Would not happen.)

  26. See it’s not bigotry, it’s just that protecting Webster’s Dictionary definitions are more important than people’s basic civil rights.

    I don’t hate Rick Warren, I’m simply against the redefinition of ‘fat-faced asshole.’

  27. I was really hoping that your YouTube video would be more Rick-rolled and less Rick-Warren’d. At least Astley will never give us up or let us down or run around and hurt us… gay OR straight.

  28. “I have traveled around the world a lot and, you know…

    I’ve been undressed by kings
    and seen some things
    that a woman just ain’t s’posed to see.
    I’ve been to paradise,
    but I’ve never been … to me.

  29. [re=204843]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: I heard some German dude, Gutenburger or something, is trying to use this new fangled olive press to get them to the bitters. What a loser, why does the commons need a Bible when the priests and revrends can tell them what’s in it? It’ll never work.

  30. If you needed to find a morbidly obese, manipulative, bipolar, narcissistic, snake oil/priest, pedophile, this guy is straight out of Central Casting. He can’t play the anti-Christ though because he’s just too damned doughy and femme. Anybody else feel “had” after watching his Saddleback quiz show? ENGHHHH???

  31. ooops…sorry folks. I now see that ‘the new rick rolled’ has been presented and accepted. Damn! And I so wanted to create a new meme today. :-\

  32. What he calls “love” sounds a lot like “being a condescending hypocritical douche” to me. Maybe it just gets lost in the translation from Man of God to Liberal Heathen, though.

  33. christian relationships are typically between a consenting Jesus and discipline, but sometimes that zombie bastard is just going to forcefuck the holy word into your every orifice and than not answer your prayers in the morning.

  34. The missing last 10 seconds:

    OK, I gotta go pinch a loaf. That concludes my broadcast for today. Stay out of each other’s bums, and join me next week, when I’ll be talking about whether the philque, or [airquotes] “holy spirit”, proceeds from the father and the son, or only the father. Kiss kiss. Is this fuckin’ thing off?

  35. [re=204881]Sassette[/re]: “What he calls “love” sounds a lot like “being a condescending hypocritical douche” to me.”

    Really though, you don’t need religion to realize that.

  36. [re=204836]4tehlulz[/re]: I don’t understand why an interviewer doesn’t just list off the many and various forms of “marriage” in the Bible and ask this douche which ones aren’t sanctioned by God any more, and how he is privy to this particular bit of information. Maybe the interviewer can check his clothing tags and ask about that whole fabric mixing abomination thing too, while he’s at it. Fuckwad.

  37. Wait, he can’t be a gay-hater. We all love God no matter what mask He wears, right? And isn’t one of God’s Names “Invisible Sky Fairy”?

  38. [re=204900]CorkPopper[/re]: You’ve hit on what kills me about evangelicals; most of them are hung up about one verse in Leviticus and will scream bloody murder about it, but the rest of the OT doesn’t count because the New Testament (the one without all that icky shit like, keeping kosher, keeping the Sabbath for yourself AND your workers, and leaving aside portions of your field for the poor) superceded the old one.

  39. So… maybe, if we allowed teh gayz to marry, it would be such an affront to teh God that he would bring about the rapture. That’s what these people want, isn’t it? I thought they were in some huge hurry for Jebus to return and rain holy hellfire and damnation upon the sinners. Isn’t that, like, their whole raison detra? I’M CONFUSEDED!!!?!!!!1!!!

  40. “Typically” between consenting adults, because gays do so often molest children. Oh yes.

    Rick Warren is not a Christian. Christianity is merely the peg upon which he hangs his greed, the tool he uses to extract money and admiration from people. If he were a Christian, he would not lie (about saying homosexuality is equivalent to incest et al, for one) when the Bible says not to, right in the Ten Commandments (the most important of the Biblical laws, I understand). He would not seek to divide people and bar people from his church when Jesus said people shouldn’t do such things. He wouldn’t rant on about this “eternal” definition of marriage, on man and one woman, when holy men, prophets in his own religious text, were described as having multiple wives as if it were no problem. But people can be made to believe anything if they think it comes from their religion, if the person saying it is charismatic and “nice” enough to appeal to them. Rick Warren is not a Christian, he just knows how to work a crowd.

    (lest you think I single Warren out unfairly, I do obviously believe the same is true of many of these preachers of “mega-churches” and people whose celebrity outstrips anything else. Probably most famous preachers fall into this category)

  41. UGH! Does he really think any word in the English language has had any meaning since the beginning of man? It’s like really retarded Platonism.

  42. 3:38 “I’m not opposed to gays having their partnerships”, but 6:24 “I think gays should use another term [than marriage]”, and 2:51 “The bible teaches that god created sex exclusively for marriage between a man and a woman”. Gee Rick, so your gay fans can do whatever they want as long as they simply remain celibate for their entire lives? Such a philanthropist.

  43. Does everyone realize this ridiculous social controversy is over a stupid fucking word? One side does not want the word including gays, and the other side is more concerned over the damn word than equivalent rights (which are far more important, spare the separate but equal argument); how about focusing on equal rights first and the word second, I’m pretty sure you can even get people like Dick Warren to at least agree about that

  44. I’m sick and tired of hearing how the Bible teaches that marriage is only for a man and a woman. If you really read it cover to cover without your Captain Themechurch Dynamic Prism Goggles, the Bible was pretty much okay with “marriage” being between anything the guys who wrote it wanted it to be at any given time. To give you an idea of how wide-open the legs of Holy Writ were spread on the subject, the Catholic Church refused to marry people at the altars of their fancy-schmancy cathedrals until something like the Plague Years. You had to get the deed done outside, on the steps of the cathedral doors in all kinds of weather, like heathens. This was because the Church thought the whole wedding ceremony thing was a lot of heathen claptrap. (This is funny because the only people trapping any serious amounts of clap in those days were bishops and other royalty, who could get married, or whatever, wherever the hell they felt like.) The heathens knew better, or accidentally ate penicillin with their groats every day, or died from the Inquisition first or something. Historians are still piecing that one together. Just sayin’.

  45. Oh god yeah, i chose it too…i’m so happy to be dogged by media and strangers alike, on the street, at my job, etc Funny tho, irs doesn’t seem to give a shit. Ha! How bout that? They still wants their monies…but Rick? Well, i guess he doesn’t have the scruples of the IRS.

  46. All fat assed multi millionaire media moguls who get rich selling invisible real estate make me sick.

    Barry. Your Momma raised you smarter than that. You have fucked up. I’m going into the holidays with buyers remorse.

  47. I truly wonder which would be worse politically for Obama: a never-ending string of moronic, hateful preachers who divide his very broad tent, or becoming agnostic.

    Or getting caught having the buttsecks with someone who is not Michelle Obama. It’s a tough call.

  48. “…and that polarization is casusing people to be ruder and ruder…”

    **Gushes** Aww, he’s talking about us!!

    “…and there’ve been times I didn’t act the way god wanted me to act…”


  49. I don’t see what all the kerfuffle about Rick Warren is. Sure he’s a homophobic douche, but he’s a PREACHER. They are ALL LIKE THAT. Barry could replace him with any other clergyman and people would be able to call that person all the same horrible stuff they call Rick Warren (well, except maybe fat, depending). And since there’s absolutely no way Barry could get away with NOT having an invocation, does it really matter which homophobic douche is going to do it?

  50. [re=205035]josereyes.theroof[/re]: Cruelty would be done to the horse if Rick tried to mount, so in this version, the horse has to ride on top of the Pastor.

  51. Why don’t the heavy preachers rail against over-eating instead of this? Proverbs 28:7 says, “He who keeps the law is a discerning son, but a companion of gluttons disgraces his father.” And Proverbs 23:2: “Put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.”

  52. [re=205038]Bic[/re]: Gluttony seems to be the only ‘sin’ allowed by the Evangie crowd. The women wear their mu-muus ankle-length and the men just wear expando pants. They may talk about eating the flesh of Christ and drinking his blood but they’re really slammin’ down tons ‘o pork and slurping gallons of HFCS drinks.

  53. Since when have they been serving the eucharist with two all-beef patties, cheese, and special sauce?
    “The body of Christ”
    “Can I Super-size that?”

  54. [re=205058]chascates[/re]: They want to make themselves unattractive so they will not fall into temptation like the infidels do. It’s for family values. Seriously.

  55. [re=205059]Servo[/re]: Y’know, when I was a kid, I took that whole “Body of Christ” thing literally. I thought they had Jesus’s corpse somewhere in the Vatican, and every year they’d shave off a slice or two, chop it up, and send it out to all the churches around the world. That, I assumed, was why it was so thin; they had been making it last for 2000 years, and who knows how much longer they’d need to keep it going. As for why it was clearly bread, well, that’s what happens you a corpse when you preserve it for 2000 years.

    Not sure what that has to do with anything. Just goes to show you the kinds of crazy ideas religion can put in your head, I guess.

  56. Fatass motherf*cker. Wrong. “The definition of marriage that’s been universally accepted since the beginning of man.”


    Per Wikipedia:
    “For the most part, religious traditions in the world reserve marriage to heterosexual unions, but there are exceptions including Unitarian Universalist, Metropolitan Community Church, and Quaker, United Church of Canada and Reform Jewish congregations.”

    (cited references: ^ “World Religions and Same Sex Marriage”, Marriage Law Project, Columbus School of Law at The Catholic University of America, Washington, DC, July 2002 revision [1]PDF (84.1 KiB)
    ^ Affirming Congregations and Ministries of the United Church of Canada )

    Hm…so it seems that it’s not just reporters that get their facts wrong, eh lunchbox?

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