By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hey, everybody, have you heard about the economies? Of course, your Wonkette staffers spend their days luxuriating in the well-appointed, mahogany-trimmed, Campbell Brown-subsidized Wonkette HQ, but we are given to understand that things in the outside world aren’t going so great, money-wise! In fact, this li’l economic downturn has even affected Christmas, a holy day of religious significance that nobody has ever previously connected to the vulgar machinations of commerce in any way. Cartoonists show you how bad it’s gotten, after the jump.
Santa says: Click on the graphics for larger versions of the comics, or you’ll get NOTHING NEXT XMAS. Ho ho ho!
Most Americans have an image of Santa as a genial “jolly old elf,” but this is a complete falsehood, obviously. Santa Claus was a dirty lie your parents told so you’d think the world was a magical place where you got gifts because you were good, not because your parents bought them, with filthy money they earned from working jobs they hated. Thus, in this scenario, Santa CEO represents the lie of capitalism, whose cold logic dictates that even the hardest workers be thrown to the wolves when more profitable labor can be found elsewhere. (In this case, since we’re talking about elves in the Arctic region, the wolves are literal wolves.) Here, the elves represent hard-working American manufacturing jobs which no longer exist, and the reindeer, drafted to build toys in Santa’s workshop, represent foreigners, who will literally work for food (mostly grasses and lichens) and have no opposable thumbs.
Or, you know, maybe you want to work “Santa” and “our non-flourishing economy” together somehow, but you don’t want to hang it all on a metaphor that’s quite so concrete and convoluted. Why not just have our mythical symbol of selfless giving fleeing in terror from a some looming black inchoate monster, belched forth in brimstone from the pit of fire itself, that threatens to swallow St. Nick whole? Then you just label this terrifying all-devouring smoke-demon “ECONOMY” and voilà! A Serious Point has been made.
Wait, but what about other beloved holiday seasons, like that licensed Dr. Seuss character, The Grinch™? As you can see, the option ARM on the Grinch’s mountain lair reset, and he was foreclosed upon and cast out onto the street like a common bum. He has now been reduced to begging for help, presumably after eating his lovable dog Max. This raises a terrifying question: If entities driven by pure hatred and mean-spiritedness can’t make it in today’s economic climate, who can?
Speaking of beloved fictional characters, what about the reason for the season? You know, the baby Jesus, and his immediate family, and their domestic animals? Unfortunately, while the Holy Family was just stone cold relaxing in the manger after some vigorous virginal childbirth, a rampaging mob of the desperately hungry unemployed descended upon them and ate them.
But wait! Just when it seemed like all was lost, look what Santa pulled out of his magic bag of gifts! That’s right — coal! Precious, precious coal, which allowed us to throw off the shackles of foreign oil. And, thanks to “clean coal” technology, we’ll also stop global warming, fix the economy, turn Pennsylvania and West Virginia into America’s economic engine once again, and move onward to a bright new post-downturn future! Huzzah! Huzzah for Santa, and his fossil fuels!
Now that the economy has been fixed, Americans can get back to what they do best: shocking sexual decadence! Ever wanted to see a cosplay three-way featuring a dude dressed as Santa, a dude dressed as Uncle Sam, and a dwarf of indeterminate gender in a reindeer fursuit? Dear god, I hope that’s a dwarf in a reindeer fursuit.