Cartoon Violence!By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hey, everybody, have you heard about the economies? Of course, your Wonkette staffers spend their days luxuriating in the well-appointed, mahogany-trimmed, Campbell Brown-subsidized Wonkette HQ, but we are given to understand that things in the outside world aren’t going so great, money-wise! In fact, this li’l economic downturn has even affected Christmas, a holy day of religious significance that nobody has ever previously connected to the vulgar machinations of commerce in any way. Cartoonists show you how bad it’s gotten, after the jump.

Santa says: Click on the graphics for larger versions of the comics, or you’ll get NOTHING NEXT XMAS. Ho ho ho!

Most Americans have an image of Santa as a genial “jolly old elf,” but this is a complete falsehood, obviously. Santa Claus was a dirty lie your parents told so you’d think the world was a magical place where you got gifts because you were good, not because your parents bought them, with filthy money they earned from working jobs they hated. Thus, in this scenario, Santa CEO represents the lie of capitalism, whose cold logic dictates that even the hardest workers be thrown to the wolves when more profitable labor can be found elsewhere. (In this case, since we’re talking about elves in the Arctic region, the wolves are literal wolves.) Here, the elves represent hard-working American manufacturing jobs which no longer exist, and the reindeer, drafted to build toys in Santa’s workshop, represent foreigners, who will literally work for food (mostly grasses and lichens) and have no opposable thumbs.

Or, you know, maybe you want to work “Santa” and “our non-flourishing economy” together somehow, but you don’t want to hang it all on a metaphor that’s quite so concrete and convoluted. Why not just have our mythical symbol of selfless giving fleeing in terror from a some looming black inchoate monster, belched forth in brimstone from the pit of fire itself, that threatens to swallow St. Nick whole? Then you just label this terrifying all-devouring smoke-demon “ECONOMY” and voilà! A Serious Point has been made.

Wait, but what about other beloved holiday seasons, like that licensed Dr. Seuss character, The Grinch™? As you can see, the option ARM on the Grinch’s mountain lair reset, and he was foreclosed upon and cast out onto the street like a common bum. He has now been reduced to begging for help, presumably after eating his lovable dog Max. This raises a terrifying question: If entities driven by pure hatred and mean-spiritedness can’t make it in today’s economic climate, who can?

Speaking of beloved fictional characters, what about the reason for the season? You know, the baby Jesus, and his immediate family, and their domestic animals? Unfortunately, while the Holy Family was just stone cold relaxing in the manger after some vigorous virginal childbirth, a rampaging mob of the desperately hungry unemployed descended upon them and ate them.

But wait! Just when it seemed like all was lost, look what Santa pulled out of his magic bag of gifts! That’s right — coal! Precious, precious coal, which allowed us to throw off the shackles of foreign oil. And, thanks to “clean coal” technology, we’ll also stop global warming, fix the economy, turn Pennsylvania and West Virginia into America’s economic engine once again, and move onward to a bright new post-downturn future! Huzzah! Huzzah for Santa, and his fossil fuels!

Now that the economy has been fixed, Americans can get back to what they do best: shocking sexual decadence! Ever wanted to see a cosplay three-way featuring a dude dressed as Santa, a dude dressed as Uncle Sam, and a dwarf of indeterminate gender in a reindeer fursuit? Dear god, I hope that’s a dwarf in a reindeer fursuit.

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  1. The Bruce Prado Santa brought a flame thrower and some guns. “He also served regularly as an usher at evening Mass at Holy Redeemer Catholic Church in Montrose, the Los Angeles Times reported.” Nice guy.

  2. You know what my favorite holiday cartoon is? The one where a destitute, haggard Santa is forced to eat boiled reindeer flesh for meager sustenance to survive the brutal, North Pole winter. Where’s that comic?

  3. I believe that monster in the second comic has emerged from the remnants of tremendous drops in the stock market. Man, who knew a poor economy would lead to [i]that[/i]?

  4. The reindeer are SUPPOSED to be small! “A miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer” is what it says in the poem. And Santa’s supposed to be small too, “a jolly old elf”, not the
    Victor Bueno lookalike we scare kids w/ today.

  5. Due to circumstances beyond our control, ( since deregulation) end of the year holidays (Christmas, Chanukah and Kwanzaa) this year have been postponed in our nation’s capital until March 22, with a a rain date of April 16. All gift packages, will need to be returned to their point of origin by no later than January 22, 2009 or a 10% penalty will result. (Along with tax forfddddddr earned income) In difficult times like these the need for consumer spending is tops on your government’s list, so there will be no refunds for said returned items, and the items themselves can be picked up again after April 16, for a nominal service and storage charge. Remember, until then, the maximum credit line that you carry on your credit card is the answer to our nation’s fiscal problems. Get as close as you can, and go over if necessary. You bank will thank you for the over-limit fee and you will once again show the American consumer can and will be victorious in this battle with the evil of the overvaluation of everything of substance caused by international religious radicalism.
    Thank you for being a good citizen.

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