Wonkette
Listen up, PAGANS. If you have already bought your mom another embroidered LL Bean sweater and your dad another set of drills and your sister another, fuck it, another pumpkin pie-scented candle, then the only person left on your Xmas Holiday Shopping List is probably the oxycontin addicted eunuch who lives in your basement listening to Michael Savage and forwarding emails about Barack Obama’s birth certificate. Jesus has invented a gift for these losers! It’s a Sarah Palin calendar, specially equipped with pre-drilled bonin’ holes.
Sadly, it probably does not contain the terrible Photoshop of the governor in a bikini, and it probably doesn’t have the nude painting by that Chicago guy, either. But it does have photos of Sarah Palin holding a gun, so your average Republican neckbearded douchewad with a mommy complex can still have something to pretend to masturbate to while he watches Teletubbies.
Sarah Palin Calendar 2009 — Judy Patrick Photography
You can view 12 months of failure more public than your own.
And it’s free with the purchase of Cheetoh scented pleasure-wipes.
Free Starbursts with the first 1000 copies sold!!
Act Now!!
Is “pre-drilled bonin’ holes” like “sloppy seconds?”
Oh god, after pushing out four (i mean, uh, five, ::cough::) kiddos, i hope she’s had a vag-o-plasty, at least.
I just ordered six!
The Sarah Palin Calender is the perfect gift that says “I hate you so fucking much.” Less smelly and personal than a box of shit and but yet more spiteful than a donation in your hatred’s name to NAMBLA.
BTW, Sara. The 21st century Repub only needs the calender OR the teletubbies to wank to, but not both.
planet-arium: six vag-o-plasties?
You gotta love the typo on the cover. “Two-Thousand Nine.” It’s the learning of how to write those big numbers in Alaska, also.
I think I’ll stick with my usual Don Knott’s Fan Club calender gifts. They’re pre drilled too!
That’s quite possibly the best description of Palin’s target demographic I’ve ever heard.
Is it Scratch-And-Sniff?
Rich Lowry must be overwhelmed by the starbursts coming from his case of Sarah Palin calendars.
I got nothin. You can’t find comedy writers who make this up.
she is so pathetic: http://politicalwire.com/archives/2008/12/22/palins_biggest_mistake.html
Does it come with a rifle so I can use it for target practice?
Atheist Nun:
Apparently it smells like a Meth Lab.
Otherwise, eeeewwwwwwww
Are they plannin’ on usin’ these to replace the old glory holes at my local speakeasy? *I hope I hope I hope*
She looks like fucking SHIT on the cover of this thing. Is that seriously the best they can do? Why are Republican standards for bangable women so woefully low?
I’m holding out for the “two-thousand nine” Gov. Rod Blagojevich calendar. I hear it comes with a no-postage-required envelope so you can send him money.
The perfect stalking stuffer.
Stop talking about this Wicked Witch. And before any of you Wonketteers drop the cash for one of these calenders as a gag gift, keep in mind that what you are actually doing is contributing to Apocalypstick’s delusion that people think she belongs in the world of real politicians.
If we just ignore her for a few more months she’ll end up in jail, sharing a cell with her daughter’s would-be mother-in-law.
I hate everything about this terrible woman, except that I want to buy her hot calender. Actually, I hate myself.
AAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKK….my eyes….the goggles, they do nothing!!!
The perfect clay target on her shoulders.
Say what you want, it will probably outsell the Bobby Jindal calendar.
Delicious: As in, pre-drill, baby, pre-drill. Remeber that, from before we were up to our kiesters in oil?
I like how the photographer used to be “Vice Mayor” of that meth hole town.
Raumfahrer: Was thinking of that. Nice.
And you all thought Campbell’s stare was bad. Imagine having this crackpot AND her family smirking at you for twelve fuckin’ months.
DeLand DeLakes: Low standards indeed, there’s 20 women hotter than her in my office building alone, and I work in a federal facility where the average age of workers is “died of old age five years ago”.
ManchuCandidate:
2009 Sarah Palin Scratch-N-Sniff Calendar:
January: Meth Lab
February: Hot Caribou Blood
March: Eau De Trig’s Diapers
April: Springtime Flowers Douche
May: Essence Of Pure Ideological Hatred For “Others”
June: Bristol’s Used Condom Stash
July: Polyester Granny Panties Stuck To Naugahyde Laz-E-Boy Recliner With Butt Sweat
August: Corn Nuts
September: Sacs Fifth Avenue New Clothes Sizing Chemicals
October: Halloween Candy Binge Eating Vomit
November: Raw Turkey Blood With Giblets
December: Smell Of New Truck Nutz!
I can only imagine that the calendar is a twisted mess, with 2009 beginning around March 18, looping back through parts of February, hitting six weekends in a row at the beginning of August, then ending at the middle of May. Also features mysterious 13th month, Aprivember.
NICE butt!
I meant on the shotgun, you perverts.
You think I’d bang that old bat?
(Well, okay, I would. But it would have to be in the butt . . . hehheheh.)
Atheist Nun:
You’re really running with my comment on the previous post.
Servo: Sorry, didn’t even see that post yet…. We have a psychic Hate Palin connection, I guess!
Twelve Months of Sarah is better than One Month of Bush
Every calendar comes with “Announce to the world the truth about Trig being Sarah’s father” penciled in for June 16th.
I posted Ann Coulter’s pin-up on TeamSarah.com. Check it while you can. heh-heh.
Atheist Nun: I’m guessing June would therefore be unscented…
Atheist Nun:
No apologies necessary. I like your thinking.
Sarah Palin? Wait, don’t tell me… Hey, she’s that woman that used to hang out with Joe the Plumber, right?
Comin’ to kill you, John McCranky, you old coot: http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/famecrawler/2008/11/01-07/fp_1630848_sarah_palin_themed_calendar_for_2009_.jpg
I’m…gonna…get me a shotgun
And kill all the Palins I see
I’m gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Palins I see
I’m gonna kill all the Palins that I see
Then Palins they won’t bother me
I’m gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Palins I see
At Michelle Malkin’s suggestion, it does indeed contain a photo of Trig emerging from the Gov’agina. Take that, h8rs!
StephanieInCA: This whole discussion conjures up images of the Count from Sesame Street loudly proclaiming, “Six! Six vag-o-plasties! Ha ha ha ha ha!” as thunder peals in the background and muppet bats flutter about.
ManchuCandidate: a donation in your hatred’s name to NAMBLA
Dammit, and my Christmas shopping’s already done!
PrairiePossum: Get enough Republicans elected and everything will come with a rifle.
Is there a companion calendar featuring the First Dood. There must be some pics of the Toddster cuppin’ his man boobs on the ol’ snow machine lookin’ all sultry ‘n come hither, Princess Peekaboo.
Ah, the things we think of to stimulate the economy, y’all. I want a Sarah Palin Swiffer so I can mush her face on my dirty floor.
agitpropster: The Coulter pinup is a killer. Uh, oh, I think it stimulated me. I may have to remove my satchel with a pair of office scissors.
Buy one? YOOBETCHA!
Sarah should auction off chunks of her life. How much would America pay to shut her up for 15 minutes at a time? The time doesn’t have to be devoted to anything. There could be fifteen minute slots where she gets a train from some nice fellows belonging to one of the minorities she’s always winkin’ about. “Because black people with funny names are terrorists, you betcha!”
I personally would pay money to see a demonstration of how her followers managed to shove their heads right up their asses, but that doesn’t involve her.
Atheist Nun:
you got to scratch n sniff before me dammit.
i’d hate you, but i’m still terrified of nuns…any kind…since grade school.
[and that was 50 years ago]
nice job.
didja notice it’s already on clearance - is that a good sign or a bad one?
Platypus: My obligatory, reflexive, and irrelevant Count link.
I have been waiting the day for an entire set of Palin Parephenalia, perfect for the holiday (oops Christmas-most Jews and Hindis are too smart) gift giving season.
I want to to buy the whole range - everything from dart boards, to ammo, to commemorative plates and figurines, to propaganda posters. What are you waiting for SnowBilly? It’s time to cash in$$$$$$$$$$$$$$44$$$$$!!!11!!!
If I understand correctly this calendar is made by some crony she has, since she is ‘too busy’/doesn’t have the brains to get an agent or someone to develop the full range of memoribilia. Even Joe the Plumber has enough sense to hire a ghost writer and sign books for PROFIT.
StephanieInCA:
cosmetic vaginal surgery?
i don’t get it. how do you make one of them
cute things
look any better than it already does?
cosmetically, i mean.
how does one improve on a snowflake?
sheeesh.
Datsun510: I suggest the DNC come up with the exact same calendar, as a gag gift using stock Reuters pixxx so $$$ doesn’t get into the wrong hands
Give me a nekkid Levi calendar and I will buy it. Sarah’s one just makes me laugh and remember all the fun we had this fall, which I’d really just like to forget.
Oh man… Republican porn. How disgusting!
Who would want this crap on their walls for 12 months?
What an absolutely stupid, idiotic waste of time, money, paper, resources and internet tubes.
Is there a Stevens calendar?
2druk2phluq: If america is willing to pay $750m to elect Barry, I think $10m to send her off to Bhutan for life would be a good deal.
DeLand DeLakes: Whatssup with that hair? I can really see the Wasilla town ‘beautician’ having faded circa 1988 photos like that in the window plus “BIG $ALE ON LIP TATTOOING” and “Recommend a Friend and save $3.75″
12 months of Palin……isn’t that a sign of the end of days? Doesn’t she ride in on a horse with long hair and if it sees it’s own shadow there will be four more years of a Democrat president and her return in 2016 with a third grandchild?
You know, I don’t know one end of the gun from the other. Ok, maybe I *do* know which is the business end, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone hold a shotgun like that. Is that safe? Wouldn’t she tend to load her own earlobe accidentally? Someone please advise.
kudzu: Where? I don’t see any underage boys in that calendar.
agitpropster: That little peek of aureola: nice.
We lesbo hairy legged fat uglyibrul womin is supoosed to be jealous of her because she squirted out five yungin and still got her figger, so why ain’t she nekkid? So we can see if she is so hot without her expensive New Yawk dresses?
agitpropster: You are one of our nation’s heros.
January 1, 8, 12, 15 all have special notations, but not January 20. I wonder why?
The picture was taken after she came back from Levi’s house and “successfully arranged a marriage”.
Weazie!: no idea, but guessin’ rigged AK lotto numbers?
What a surprise! Trig wins $59m!!1!
what an awesome gag gift! White elephant here you come!
i can’t stop imagining that she is stroking that shotgun while she smiles at me. It is enough to make want to set fire to jer church all over again.
Includes a pre-drilled, baby, drilled hole for hanging.
Being declared “Conservative of the Year” by Ann Coulter is like being declared Mother of the Year by Britanny Spears. Or Father of the Year by Michael Jackson. Take your pick.
So long crazy Danika Patrick 2008 calender in my bathroom and hello crazy Sarah, its going to a good year in my bathroom.
FreshCliches: a muppet is never irrelevant.
linds: Please, please do not give this even as a gag. The only condition that this is accpetable is if you already got it as a gift and need to get rid of it. And in that case, it is only good for a gift to a trannie
agitpropster:
TeamSarah is just begging for a wonkette FAIL invasion by HACKERZ. See you there - I’m only trying to figure out what kind of unborn comment I can leave:
“On Team Sarah, we uphold the supreme dignity of all humans, born and unborn. We do not tolerate comments that can be perceived as racist or hateful. This is not in spirit of our mission and certainly not representative of Sarah Palin’s values. Any comments deemed demeaning or inappropriate will be removed from the site immediately, even if they are made in jest.”
Hmm…why does a eunuch need pre-drilled bonin’ holes? Post-drilled bonin’ holes? Maybe finger holes, but why finger a calendar when you have a perfectly good asshole Savage fan? And you can kill two bald eagles with one stone: Just shove the oxycontin into your asshole at the same time you finger it, and you get even greater opioid effects! Experience or Change?
NBE: My thoughts exactly. Levi…now there’s a pin-up (maybe his mom can help from prison).
S. Cullen Bonz: That’s called a statutory boink plea bargain.
ChuckWood:
Pre-drilled holes are a midnight modification which Bush has made to the environmental and endangered species regulations, along with “Sulfur Dioxide: What‘s the Fuss with Yellow Lung?“, “Breathe Deep: C02 Is Natural“, “Spotted Owls, Our New Cat Food“, “Dolphins, the Enemy Within“ and “Manatees: Meat or Sport?”
.
http://washingtonindependent.com/22767/boxer-blasts-epa-claim-that-co2-is-not-a-pollutant
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122998077760227591.html?mod=googlenews_wsj
Manatees:
Meat
Spotted Owls:
Meat
Dolphins:
Meat
Bush:
Meat
Cat Food:
Sport
This photo was taken just before she shot up her foot.
I cannot imagine any product that wouldn’t be enhanced by pre-drilled bonin holes. SKS must trademark and quick!
I prefer to really fuck up the holiday’s for my worst enemies with the Bill Kristol calender. 12 straight months of enough lazy ass writing to make you pass out on the desk and cry.
Merde! NYT did a Palin!? Published a letter from Paris Mayor Bertrand Delanoe — that was a fake!
Platypus: Win.
StephanieInCA: Is that part of the Vaginal Re-paving & A$$-hole Bleaching package that pr0n-stars get?
Hey, where’s Bristol’s baby that was due a few days ago? Are they having calendar problems again?
I’m wantin’ some headless turkeys, dammit!
With their LEGS uppin the air!!!
(She looks like everything I ever cleaned out of a fish tank)
Sometimes things get complicated.
Occasionally, reality.
Stop fucking ashing all over the house.
I don’t care how many Christmas presents you got for me.
Maybe it will take you a few more days to decide what to do with Christmas, because, hey maybe your a Jew this year.
And could you please not ash all over the house, because it is both attractive and clean.
Whatever.
Maybe you can post this? That would be very sweet of you.
Take it off. Take it off. Christmas with Sarah Palin and Jeebus
uncle, the drunk one.
And what’s with them airfares? HHEENNNGGHH?
Oh and very recently Wolf Blitzer broke into Wonkette’s secret paradise villa somewhere south of France, where Snark decided it would take a longer vacation than us “working folk” with our collegian outings to Maine or Vancouver er whatever. But where the rest of us, ummm, SHEEPLE, we are forced to go to the Eastern Sierra, hottail it to Nevada for the first feeling of warmth in an interesting southland that is not in California, and get home before Hitchcock’s Birds eat all of us. Oh and ski in Mammoth obsessively for free. Hopefully that can piss your dear editor off. If not, well I hope the fucker joins me this time.
Blue Line: What? You don’t think she’s learned her lesson by now? I hope that the next time she gets drunk on Boone’s Farm and wakes up in the middle of sex with Levi that he’s wearing 2 condoms, and she’s got an IUD up there and is on The Pill. Hell, take enough for 3 days to be sure, Bristol.
Servo: Cheers! I think we can all agree that before McCain brought her around, Sarah Palin smelled like the thrift store where she bought all her clothes: Mothballs, mold, wet dust, alien armpit sweat and cheap dimestore perfume. Hey- alright! I think I’ve got the signature scent for the centerfold!
tsunami: ‘terrified of nuns’
haha… don’t worry, I’m the kind of nun that has sex, so I don’t have any petty frustrations to take out on little children!
Atheist Nun: That’s my favorite kind of nun.
Serious question here, because we all made fun of poor Mrs. Johnston for running a meth lab and it turns out it was Oxycontin, now I know it’s called “Hillbilly Heroin” and Rush Limbaugh really likes it but that doesn’t tell me much. I’m an old school hippie, I smoke a ton of weed and tried most of the popular hallucinogenics back in the day, but I’m unfamiliar with these two drugs which seem to be so popular among a certain demographic. Could any of you wonketeers. a bit closer to TruckNutzistan than I, enlighten me as to the difference between the two?
Do any of the months involve “drilling”?
wow, a long strange trip of a Tom Cruise piece
http://www.slate.com/id/2207067/
Numbat Dundee: On Sundays, Pal-askans have to go to church to get exorcised. We can assume every other day of the year is for drilling.
Screw that! Enough with Palin! Download my FREE 2009 Calendar Impossible Possibilities! Hey, did I say it was FREE? Yes, it’s FREE and very sexy :
http://lalandedigitalpress.blogspot.com/2008/12/impossible-possibilities-2009-calendar.html
gurukalehuru: Methamphatimine (sp?) is a stimulant, with limited medical purposes, although regular use probably results in having a super clean house since you can’t sleep and tend to engage in compulsive behavior. Oxycontin is an opiate, prescribed for severe pain, which became popular medically because it’s slow releasing which is hard to do in an opiate. If you break it up, though, it releases fast and so I imagine that’s what the oxy heads do. Just guessing though.
gurukalehuru: Between what and what? Meth is a stimulant that makes you tweak out and crazy things like take apart your alarm clock or take a 20-hour plane ride while in labor. Heroin and Oxycontin are essentially the same thing, just different delivery methods, both opiates that make you euphoric and write albums like In Utero.
And where’s my Wonkette this morning? Who gave Ken and Sara the day off?
When’s Joe the Biden releasing his ‘09 calendar?
I’ve actually seen this calendar, the photo for one of the months, (must have been September) features a beaming SP with a flag draped over her shoulders, the caption explains that she did this to comfort herself after the horrors of 9/11.
All I can say is, Lady, if you were down on columbia street with the rest of us watching that shit happen, and you were flouncing about like you were at hooter’s on the 4th of July, we would have cured you of your patriotism post haste!
It’s like the dartboard of the month club, the gift that keeps on giving.
I have a very bad feeling about why the pages are so glossy.
sux2bu: Joe who? Name sounds familiar.
gurukalehuru: tsunami: Just picture me as a Clovis Trouille kind of nun, I often do…