Wonkette
The shameful publicity whore Barack Obama will be holding his FIFTH press conference of the WEEK today, while the ever modest George W. Bush holds his first in months. (Ha ha we kid, he tore himself away from his Wii to mutter some not-very-encouraging things about our teetering American economy, once, in early November. The stock market tanked.) So let’s see what our bold and fearless leader has to say about resurrecting an industry singlehandedly brought down by the famously corrupt United Auto Workers, who keep promoting this Socialist idea that people should receive “money” in exchange for their “labor.”
8:55 AM — Let’s watch a little soothing Fox and Friends before this madness begins. O they are chummy. That lady sitting next to Alan Colmes looks like Rita Cosby, but apparently it is his wife. (Sean Hannity is his “other” wife.)
8:57 AM — Jesus, is there nothing more depressing than the commercials that air on morning cable? Burlington Coat Factory, medical devices for housebound diabetics, drugs, local retailer sales, national retailer sales…we are a nation of impoverished elderly people trying to complete our Christmas shopping for under $200. This year, everyone in the Smith family gets a pill-splitter and a $5 Starbucks gift certificate.
8:59 AM — Ha ha, we have missed the summary of what George Bush is going to say because we were too busy typing about pill splitters. But: sounds like bankruptcy is NOT in the cards, and short-term loans are.
9:00 AM — Oh hey look it’s George Bush! Shut up, Norah O’Donnell.
9:02 AM — “As a Republican, I do not want to intervene. As a sensible person, I do.” (He did not actually say this, this is a ‘parodical type summary,’ as they say in the comedy business. Sorry for any confusion surrounding the suggestion he might have said anything that intelligent. — Ed.)
9:03 AM — Option 1: Orderly bankruptcy. But Chapter 11 won’t work because people won’t buy cars once they find out the automaker might go under. Also the automakers don’t have enough time to do an orderly bankruptcy. Option 2: Disorderly liquidation. But that would hurt the job market and “exacerbate” the financial crisis. Dudes, he said “exacerbate” correctly. Option 3: Give them another non-bankruptcy option to restructure.
9:05 AM — Weaselly Republicans derailed a Congress-approved plan to do this. So the White House is stepping in. They’re offering loans under “similar conditions” to those set out in the Congressional plan. Hmm, does this include the sticky provision about labor making pay concessions pretty much immediately?
9:07 AM — He’s taking the money out of TARP. Everybody will have to suck it up. Mostly the labor union. March 31 is the deadline for coming up with a “viable plan.”
9:08 AM — Most effective and responsible solution, blah blah… He looks even older and more tired than usual. Poor dude, he should just be packing his boxes and making mixtapes at this point in his breakup with the American people. Instead he has to make decisions and stuff.
9:10 AM — OK, so if the automakers DON’T demonstrate they can get their shit together, they’ll have to pay back the loans. But if they can’t get their shit together, doesn’t that suggest that they won’t be able to pay back the loans, either?
9:11 AM — Some MSNBC expert says, “Yeah, this is a pretty predictable move.”
9:14 AM — Over to CNN. Christine Romans looks like a crazy little anime doll. Final tally: $13.4 bilion in short-term loans to GM and Chrysler, with $4 billion more in February. No money for Ford for the time being.
Sounds like Chimpy’s manichean logic has served him well: you can either be a Republican, or a sensible person, but you can’t be both.
Anybody else think that adhering to your principles except when it’s inconvenient means you don’t have any principles at all?
Wow. This is the first time I’ve seen pill-splitters used in an economic format.
Earlier today, the swarmy blond guy on F&F said that Time Magazine tried to manipulate the election by holding on to the college pictures of Barry until after the election. I personally think that Barry would have carried Wyoming and Utah if the pictures had been released in October.
By the way, I come back after missing a day and Campbell Brown is gone. Was she stolen by the same people who took all of the Little Baby Jesuses?
Livebloggin Bush? This early? Ok, Ok, I’ll watch Campbell Brown … just stop the madness!!!
you guys at getting good at this blingee thing
“As a Republican, I do not want to intervene. As a sensible person, I do.”
DID HE REALLY SAY THAT!!!??
That President of ours is fast. When that “conference” was over, he was OUT of that room.
Where can I get a jacket like that? That would go over big at my wife’s office ‘winter holiday’ party.
Seriously, the way out of this fiscal mess is not to throw 700 billion to the banks, auto companies or to the people stuck with bad mortgages. The simple and elegant solution, if I do say so myself, is to, is to… ooooooooh pretty shiny Bush!
A pill splitter? Such profligate spending! I had no idea working for Wonkette paid so much.
And when did Nora O’Donnell join Fox and Friends? I didn’t get that memo.
snideinplainsight:
http://www.enlighted.com/pages/ledsuits.shtml
Your welcome!
O Palin family, will you ever stop entertaining?
http://www.mcclatchydc.com/homepage/story/58165.html
Cape Clod: If you say it after the biggest collective ass-whipping in twenty years, and if you just happen to be leaving the most powerful job in the world in four weeks, it really doesn’t matter what you say. He could probably get away with shouting “fire” in a theater by now.
Monsieur Grumpe: I just coined a term to describe those jackets, particularly the one with the Enterprise Leasing logo: Awesome!
He is taking the money from under a TARP? I keep my stuff under a TARP, in a VAN down by the RIVER.
Also, why are we shouting?
facehead: Troopers released no other information, including the kind or amount of drugs, because details could jeopardize an ongoing investigation, spokeswoman Megan Peters said. Asked how long the investigation had proceeded before Johnston’s arrest, Peters would only say “a while.”
Sounds like the Alaska state police are in the tank for Snowbilly. How can you arrest somebody for a crime and then not divulge what it is? Well, okay, Bush and Cheney can do that. Maybe Levi’s mom is a terrorist, too. ‘Cause pot’s pretty much legal in Alaska, right?
As a human being I am opposed to torture. As a Republican I am in favor.
Nearly all eight years of his presidency and Bush decides to switch sides and join the sensible people. Does this mean he’s going to start impeachment proceedings against himself?
Poor Ford. Sucks to be almost profitable, comparatively speaking, in a down market.
After the 700 billion we’ve larded on God knows what in the securities market, this is the equivalent of writing off the pocket change you gave to a bum on your 1040.
Seriously, did he say that shit at 9:02???
…”W” is a bag of liquid shit with corn kernels floating in it! This S.O.B. goes on victory lap around the world to survey the strife and havoc he has so generously delivered; meanwhile here in the U.S. people are losing their life savings and sleeping in their cars. Now he comes on television like he has been in seclusion for the past 2 weeks, debating the finer points of economics! Fukk you!
P.S.
Dont forget to take all the other
shit crumbs from administration
with you, when leave!
In a related story, the price of pill crushers has actually gone down a little bit. It’s usually a one time only expenditure (unless you crush mad pills, daily). It takes all the work out of turning pills into dust, for just $7.50.
Anime doll - thought goes well with doughnut.
Clancy_Pants: As a member of post-Magna Carta western civilization, I am opposed to indefinite detention without charges. As a Republican I am in favor.
…when George Bush dies his tombstone should be a 12 foot tall statue of a pile of shit, with the word “EPIC FAIL” in giant letter as his epitaph!
facehead: Sweet.
Every time I hear the word Palin, dueling banjoes start ringing in my ears.
“As a Republican, I do not want to intervene. As a sensible person, I do.”
He really said that? Really?
Poor W, lamest of the lame ducks. In a row, even, and shot at by Dick Cheney. Quack.
anime can sometimes be cute- I find Christine Romans more accurately resembles a Bratz doll… Either way, blech.
norbizness: I do that every year on my taxes.
Except I forget to give the bum the pocket change.
Oh eds., surely y’all misheard. Exacerbate? Please. Bushie only knows one word that ends in
-bate, and it ain’t “debate.”
Pfft. Any professional already has their pill crushers set up.
magic titty: Haha! “Squeal like a moose, boy!”
Classic Bush! When Congress doesn’t do the stuff you want so you do it anyway under a different name! Becuase… isn’t that what the founders had in mind?
Oh shit, there goes any chance at a Barry Job.
Are those the same shimmy-shaking ladies that herald how low my interest rate can be on a new mortgage?
If the writing on the wall is so obvious that even George Bush is shocked into action, how fucked are we? He must see all sorts of derisively named tenement shacks named after him (Bushvilles? Dubyashacks?) in the rust belt to actually rustle himself from a nap and pretend he wants to be President.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
Miller: “Living in the Bush,” or “Bush Life,” to borrow from our Australian friends.
He’s a very nice man. I’m going to send him a letter of appreciation and see how many people I can get to sign it.
Chicken Smack: Or perhaps we are merely “Bushed”.
AngryBlakGuy: Your words are useless, unless you are prepared to go barefoot while your limbs and ribs get a thorough working over by troglodyte thugs just killing time until the End of Days.
TARP = Totally Ass Raping People. or something.
and don’t forget the most important part….the American media learned their lessons after what happened in Iraq last weekend: nobody threw a shoe at bush, cause they were afraid they’d get the crap beat out of them.
facehead: I hope she was making meth, and we’re not all laughing our asses off at her for dealing weed. But then, maybe she should leave that to the superprofessionalism and always wise choices of Nancy and Doug.
Okay peeps, sharing time: what songs WOULD Bush put on his mixtape for his breakup with the American people? Discuss.
Wow…that is the most respectful, presidential Blingee I’ve ever seen. Why you use it on Dubya, HENGHH?