EASIEST WAY TO DRIVE WINGNUTS BATTY  4:05 pm December 18, 2008

All Baby Jesus Dolls Stolen & Molested, For Laffs

by Ken Layne

lol, jesus.There is no finer Yuletide tradition than kidnapping or decapitating the hated Baby Jesus dolls put out in public at this time of year by the very people who would be most upset by the kidnapping or decapitation of Baby Jesus dolls. It is a terrible outrage, this thing that happens every year, everywhere. Let’s enjoy a Children’s Treasury of 2008 Childish Attacks on U.S. Nativity Scenes. Talk about making the Baby Jesus cry!

The creche infants are collected each year by a shadowy cult — Satanists or Mormons or Scientologists or Paultards or Michele Bachmann’s nineteen kids, who knows?! — so that the stem cells of the plastic babies can be harvested for a new race of Gods being bred in, uhm, probably Paraguay (or Russia). This clone army will reach maturity on or about January 20. Meanwhile, the hapless victims of this victimless crime spree just whine to the local newspapers, like every year.

Here are some hilarious bits of Xmas Journalism, along with Xtra Special Bonus Reader Comments thrown in, because why not:

  • “According to the police report an officer responded to a home on Sunset Drive Wednesday night in reference to a theft. When the officer arrived the victim told police that this is the second year in a row someone has stolen Baby Jesus from the manger.” [News Channel 9]
  • “THis sounds like something a young punk kid would do but i would be willing to bet that a grown up did this. The good lord was watching whoever did this and dont be surprised if your head ends up knocked off. God dont like people making a mockery of him. Our youth of the tri cities act more grown up than the adults.” [TriCities.com]
  • “Reverend Troutman said, ‘Jesus Christ is not in that shell that they took. If they want Jesus Christ, they can just ask him to come into their hearts and save them.’” [WIVB 4]
  • “Glen Ellyn, Illinois Christians want to hold on to the babies in their mangers this Christmas season, so they’re trying something new. An Episcopal church in that suburb is installing GPS devices in each of the figurines in its 40-year-old nativity scene.” [NBC 13]
  • “Police are searching for a baby Jesus figurine that was taken recently from a Nativity scene in downtown Paw Paw, authorities said. The figurine, which is believed to be made of Fiberglas, was taken some time between Dec. 10 and Saturday, Alspaugh said. Authorities ask anyone with information about the theft or the whereabouts of the baby Jesus figurine to call police at (269) 657-xxxx.” [Kalamazoo Gazette]
  • “The Creche Committee plans to go on with plans to dedicate the nativity scene on Monday at 4 p.m. with or without a Jesus. ‘We are looking for a replacement, though in no way can we find one that will match this new nativity set. We may go on without the child Jesus statue, as we look for a suitable replacement,’ said John Stanton, a Committee board member.” [NBC Philadelphia]
  • “For the past 12 years, the Ancient Order of Hibernians and Knights of Columbus have constructed a nativity display on Independence Mall to remind passersby of the real reason for Christmas and for religious freedom in America. This year, that freedom was slighted with the theft of baby Jesus one day before the Christmas crèche’s blessing. Although the statue was not found prior to the 4 p.m. ceremony yesterday, Philadelphia Catholic Auxiliary Bishop Joseph P. McFadden nevertheless blessed the crèche complete with a borrowed baby Jesus.” [The Bulletin]

And finally, our War On Xmas Hero of the Year, these drunk-ass punks from the New Orleans suburbs:

WAGGAMAN, La. (AP) — Jefferson Parish sheriff’s deputies say they have arrested three suspects and charged them with a wave of vandalism against Christmas decorations in this New Orleans suburb.

Sheriff Newell Normand said Thursday that 38-year-old Rodney Chauvin of Waggaman, a 15-year-old boy and an 11-year-old boy were charged with slashing inflatable decorations on lawns at five homes.

Chauvin was charged with criminal damage to property, contributing to the delinquency of juveniles and disturbing the peace while intoxicated.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 66 comments }

gjdodger December 18, 2008 at 4:08 pm

When they steal Baby Jesus from the manger, do they put out an “Anno Domino Alert”?

jagorev December 18, 2008 at 4:10 pm

Reverend Troutman said, ‘Jesus Christ is not in that shell that they took. If they want Jesus Christ, they can just ask him to come into their hearts and save them

Wow, an endorsement of monotheism and non-idolatrous religion? Burn this man at the stake.

JtotheA December 18, 2008 at 4:11 pm

[re=202421]allainjules[/re]: haha, that article is in funny talk!

ella December 18, 2008 at 4:11 pm

If we can’t blame Lieberman, maybe it’s a gang of Nativity pedants who know the li’l baby Jesus doesn’t belong in the manger till the 25th.

maven December 18, 2008 at 4:13 pm

I don’t know how you missed this fabulous bit of wisdom from one of the links (does this mean that those Republicans who oppose the bailouts are the Antichrist?):

John’s son and part-assembler of the crèche said the display is “a tremendous witness so that the message of Christmas does not get lost.”

“Everybody needs reminders,” he said, “and the nativity is the greatest bailout in all of history!”

PsycGirl December 18, 2008 at 4:13 pm

Any chance that Baby Jesus looked around and said “WTF? I’m in a place called PAW PAW!!!” and jumped ship? Although you would think someone would notice a Baby Jesus hitchhiking…

Advocatus_Diaboli December 18, 2008 at 4:13 pm

“We may go on without the child Jesus statue, as we look for a suitable replacement.”

I want the gig of baby Jesus’ understudy. How cool would that be?

johnbpt December 18, 2008 at 4:13 pm

Downtown Paw Paw?

Rush December 18, 2008 at 4:14 pm

Imagine the impact of throwing Ronald McDonald’s shoes – probably boomerangs back at you.

BoreExpert December 18, 2008 at 4:15 pm

Perhaps all the baby Jesuses (Jesi?) were returned from whence they came — China.

Beef Supreme December 18, 2008 at 4:15 pm

Downtown Paw Paw just won’t be the same without Fiberglas Jesus.

SayItWithWookies December 18, 2008 at 4:16 pm

It wasn’t a theft — it was the Rapture! Right now there are 144,000 Baby Jesuses floating around in the clouds with a very confused Lord trying to figure out what he did wrong. Okay, it was a pretty incompetent Rapture. But doesn’t that prove that God is a Republican?

El Bombastico December 18, 2008 at 4:16 pm

In a pinch, I find that Cabbage Patch Kids make effective Baby Jesuses (Jesii?)

Deepthroat December 18, 2008 at 4:16 pm

heros, every one.

El Bombastico December 18, 2008 at 4:17 pm

[re=202438]BoreExpert[/re]: Bah, you beat me to the pluralization question.

freakishlystrong December 18, 2008 at 4:18 pm

Alspaugh from Paw Paw, is poo poo cuz the lil’ Jeebs is gone…

jagorev December 18, 2008 at 4:20 pm

No black Muslin men have carved a backwards ‘B’ into the Virgin Mary’s face yet?

MoonshineJoe December 18, 2008 at 4:20 pm

“The good lord was watching whoever did this and dont be surprised if your head ends up knocked off.”

The Good Lord, who is all about love and forgiveness and mercy, IZ GON NOKK UR HEADZ CLEAN OFF! U BIN WARNED!

Neilist December 18, 2008 at 4:24 pm

For some reason, I find the idea there there is a Secret Underground of people stealing and decapitating Baby Hay-Zesus dolls . . . strangely reassuring.

Maybe there is hope for this Nation after all.

Vewol Mevemont December 18, 2008 at 4:27 pm

I love the freedom way that freedom wingers arbitrarily assert the word “freedom” into everything freedom they freedom write. For freedom sake, it’s as if the freedom word “freedom” us a stand in for “something generally good” but has no distinct meaning

suchsweetthunder December 18, 2008 at 4:27 pm

[re=202440]SayItWithWookies[/re]:

I think you just proved Wilt Chamberlein is God or something.

shortsshortsshorts December 18, 2008 at 4:29 pm

[re=202453]Neilist[/re]: I would too if it wasn’t for the fact that they are also facing all the nativity scenes to mecca and replacing baby Jewbus with a red crescent.

freakishlystrong December 18, 2008 at 4:31 pm

[re=202458]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: Freedumb..

Monsieur Grumpe December 18, 2008 at 4:31 pm

I leave my Halloween decorations up through Christmas. Throw in a few blinking green lights, stick a holy cross in Marcus the Carcass™ and voila! It’s all very festive in Christmassy kind of way and no one steals my stuff.

TGY December 18, 2008 at 4:33 pm

This is why the Muslins allow no effigy of Muhammad or Allah or whatever, ’cause then someone would be bound to steal it and they’d have to cut his head off. Once you start, you’d be chopping all day. I blame society. Ah..what was the issue?

Beef Supreme December 18, 2008 at 4:34 pm

I like the idea of the church putting GPS devices in their Jesi. So now when the crooks take the little baby dolls, they can be like “Hey cool, free GPS device!”

rev_matt_y December 18, 2008 at 4:37 pm

“An Episcopal church in that suburb is installing GPS devices in each of the figurines in its 40-year-old nativity scene”

Wonder how much you can sell GPS units for on ebay…

Also: it’s not Christmas yet. Isn’t J-dog supposed to be born ON Christmas?

villageatrois December 18, 2008 at 4:39 pm

GPS $100. Super-glue — priceless.

ManchuCandidate December 18, 2008 at 4:46 pm

Away in a manger,
No camera on His bed
The little Lord Jesus
plastic for his sweet head

Us drunks in the Explorer
Looked down where He lay
The little Lord Jesus
A felony away

We morans are running
The poor fundie wakes
But little Lord Jesus
The GPS awakes

I stole Thee, Lord Jesus
as shots fired from high
And stay by my side,
‘Til cops are outside.

Mustang December 18, 2008 at 4:46 pm

“Although the statue was not found prior to the 4 p.m. ceremony yesterday, Philadelphia Catholic Auxiliary Bishop Joseph P. McFadden nevertheless blessed the crèche complete with a borrowed baby Jesus.”

A “borrowed” baby Jesus? Uh huh. Where’d you happen to “borrow” it from Auxilliary Bishop McFadden? Somebody just happened to have some spare Baby Jesuses just lying around?

binarian December 18, 2008 at 4:48 pm

[re=202435]johnbpt[/re]: Never mind that, Kalamazoo? Kalamazoo has a downtown??? Hard to believe.

And why the Baby Jesus’s? Whatever happened to the fine American tradition of blowing up mailboxes with M-80s? Or stealing lawn jockeys? What’s happening to this country?

binarian December 18, 2008 at 4:49 pm

[re=202489]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Well Done! I dub the Prince…or Princess…of Poetry. The check’s in the mail.

shortsshortsshorts December 18, 2008 at 4:51 pm

[re=202489]ManchuCandidate[/re]: That is my favorite of your alt/lyrics.

Stranger in the Alps December 18, 2008 at 4:58 pm

Downtown Paw Paw Jesus is my favorite Phish song.

Iggy Plop December 18, 2008 at 5:01 pm

yep. drunken teenage rite of passage continues unchanged. what I’d like to see is someone steal the baby jesus from one of those “living” creches where real people are taking the place of figurines. that would be some fun. how fast can you run after someone dressed like a wise man from the east with that gold lame skirt and all.

zhubajie December 18, 2008 at 5:05 pm

[re=202495]binarian[/re]: Yes, it does! The Burger King where Elvis works is there.

Zhu Bajie

totoro December 18, 2008 at 5:25 pm

“Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.” — Gd

JC is taking the baby Jesuses. He’s pissed.

chaircrusher December 18, 2008 at 5:28 pm

The GPS Devices are brilliant. How nice to have someone scream “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?,” and be able to answer with a street address.

As far as I know no one in Iowa City has ever stolen a baby jebus. But lawn jockeys are gone in a New York minute!

TeddyS December 18, 2008 at 5:28 pm

They plant plastic and cardboard Baby Jesus dolls, the family, the groupies, their sheep and a Campbell Brown or two in a make-believe manger and leave them outside in the freezing cold weather, hail, rain, wind and snow, starting just after July 14th. Then stomp to death the dude opening the door at Wal-Mart.

shortsshortsshorts December 18, 2008 at 5:32 pm

Trig is somehow responsible for all of this.

SnarkNotFark December 18, 2008 at 5:33 pm

Paw Paw for Jesus!

supremecourtjester December 18, 2008 at 5:38 pm

The courts have held that it is unconstitutional to put a nativity scene in the court house lobby because the Constitution forbids having three wise men in a courthouse–and it’s no place for a virgin either.

NoStyleHere December 18, 2008 at 5:42 pm

[re=202434]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: This could be the answer to my recently-pink-slipped prayers!

warreno December 18, 2008 at 5:55 pm

“Chauvin was charged with criminal damage to property, contributing to the delinquency of juveniles and disturbing the peace while intoxicated.”

Which is known, of course, as chauvinism.

slinkimalinki December 18, 2008 at 6:20 pm

[re=202431]maven[/re]: i read that as “part-ass member of the creche”.

Borat December 18, 2008 at 6:24 pm

In Hobo America, Baby Jesus is a good dinner substitute for a Christmas Ham.

chascates December 18, 2008 at 6:55 pm

How could one baby create such wackiness? They should write a book about him or something. Better still, make tiny George Bushes and place in teh cradle. It might end up full of shoes but probably won’t get stolen.

loganmo December 18, 2008 at 6:56 pm

Do the dolls come back to life on the third day?

qaf December 18, 2008 at 7:16 pm

[re=202458]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: Freedom from Campbell Brown’s vapid mug is no freedom at all.

donner_froh December 18, 2008 at 7:55 pm

[re=202432]PsycGirl[/re]: I have driven through Paw Paw, MI–my wife’s family lives in southern MI although in a larger metropolis than Paw Paw. It has one (1) blinking traffic signal.

Packherd December 18, 2008 at 8:34 pm

[re=202537]totoro[/re]: Oh, thank goodness. I’m glad someone else made that comment.

Idolatry is one of the underused sins. Try it sometime; mix things up. Your godless slothfulness was never going to enrage Elohim anyway.

nachoproblem December 18, 2008 at 9:19 pm

>‘We are looking for a replacement, though in no way can we find one that will match this new nativity set. We may go on without the child Jesus statue, as we look for a suitable replacement,’<

Try a small sack of flour or a really large potato. If it’s good enough for thousands of Christmas pageants, it’s good enough for your ass.

pfft..nah December 18, 2008 at 10:35 pm

HAHAHA… I’m actually from Kingsport (the second one on the list). That place is called church circle, cause there’s three big ass churches around a traffic circle (clever, i know). Anyway, two of the three always put out a nativity scene, and every year somebody steals at least one of the baby jesi, and, occasionally, a wiseman. Reading that pretty much sums the place up: bunch of drunk inbred assholes tear up a nativity scene and another group of drunk inbred assholes talk about how the former are all going to hell.

LordPretzel December 18, 2008 at 10:45 pm

I generally go around putting party hats on the Wise Men, Mary, and Joseph. No theft involved, and now it’s like Jeebus’ birthday celebration! I only wish there were a way to strap a noisemaker to a lamb…

flavorflav December 18, 2008 at 11:05 pm

The Owens-Corning family of companies would like to thank the Kalamazoo Gazette for properly rendering the trade name Fiberglas.

(Does anyone remember the annual E&P trademarks issue, filled with ads from people like Jeep and Dumpster reminding the Main Stream Media to properly use their trademarks?)

(Christ, what am I talking about? No one here has ever held a copy of E&P.)

dontquitnow December 19, 2008 at 12:42 am

“For the second year in a row we were not watching our shit even though it was stolen last year and so was everybody else’s.” Outstanding learners of lessons they be. “Every time I park in the lake, the carpet is all wet the next day.” WTF?

Thieves: Stop stealing the plastic Jesi–you’re driving my gas prices up!

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us December 19, 2008 at 1:06 am

“…contributing to the delinquency of juveniles and disturbing the peace while intoxicated.”

I’ve been to NOLA on several occasions. These are NOT crimes down there!

Mr Blifil December 19, 2008 at 1:21 am

Still, nobody seems to have the stones to show up and start throwing shoes at the baby jesuses. Or even simply throwing them at babies in general. As they pass by in some sort of Afro-influenced carrier thingummy. Preferably at the precise moment they are found to be cooing adorably while gazing fondly into their mother’s loving eyes.

Servo December 19, 2008 at 6:15 am

Decapitation? They’re not trying hard enough. Why not a pair of TruckNutz screwed to the child savior? How about on Mary?

Larry McAwful December 19, 2008 at 7:20 am

[re=202458]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: Smurf yeah! Freedom is the smurfiest, most smurftastic thing anyone ever smurfed!

Larry McAwful December 19, 2008 at 7:28 am

[re=202701]Packherd[/re]: You want underused sin? Try simony. You never hear about that one anymore. What happened? Did simony suddenly become okay or something?

Larry McAwful December 19, 2008 at 7:36 am

I gotta tell ya, the closeted conservatives who read this site are going to have a field day with that headline, much less with the body of the story and certainly the comments.

I remember in college some people stole a ceramic Buddha from a lawn in Erie, Pennsylvania. That Buddha was also there to make everyone think of religious freedom, I guess, though I’m reasonably sure that the Buddha owner’s lawn didn’t have representations of all faiths, just like the place where that Nativity scene is in Philadelphia that’s supposed to represent religious freedom in America but only mentions one particular faith.

bago December 19, 2008 at 9:56 am

The local dentists are quite confused.

yellowdogdem December 19, 2008 at 10:15 am

Oh no, they’ve not only stolen plastic baby Jeebus, they’ve stolen Campbell Brown! Her six-inch picture has been stolen from the Wonkette site! Oh wait, I’m relieved because she was creeping me out.

jodyleek December 19, 2008 at 1:48 pm

[re=202720]nachoproblem[/re]: We always used my blonde, blue eyed Baby Tender Love. Not the
anatomically correct one though…that would disturb the fundies.

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us December 23, 2008 at 5:53 pm

OH NOES!!! BABI JEBI ARE KDNAPPETZZ B4 CRIMMASS!!!!1!!

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