MINNESOTA DUMB  2:26 pm December 18, 2008

Lizard People Defeat Al Frankenstein

by Ken Layne

I can do anything!Let’s check in with our favorite state, where an unfunny television performer is locked in a Mexican Death Match with St. Paul sleazebag Norm Coleman’s wife’s legs. In other words, LIZARD PEOPLE FTW! A judge somewhere in Minnesota, this state where voters treat their ballots like kids’ menus, just ruled that Franken will not get the vote of this one goofus who also wrote “LIZARD PEOPLE,” twice, on a ballot that also featured the choice of Franken over Coleman.

Coleman, meanwhile, will get the vote of some other goofus who wrote in the name “BRETT FAVRE” along with the selection of Coleman. Thanks, Diebold!

But! Franken does get the vote of yet another goofus, in Minnesota, who appended Franken’s printed name on the ballot with “-STIN,” apparently a failed attempt to make Franken’s name become “AL FRANKENSTEIN,” which is anti-Semitic.

Could we just get Rod Blagojevich to fly over from Chicago and pick whichever one has the most money for a bribe, and end this thing? (LIZARD PEOPLE will pay One Billion Whore Diamonds for this Senate seat.)

Brett Favre Beats Lizard People [FiveThirtyEight.com]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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bago December 18, 2008 at 2:30 pm

I have some whore nuggets. With enough time and pressure, they will become whore diamonds. Promise.

Neon Trotsky December 18, 2008 at 2:30 pm

That’s not species trancendence!

HuskyMescan December 18, 2008 at 2:31 pm

Yeah, laugh it up, but the Lizard Party would have brought real change.

Serolf Divad December 18, 2008 at 2:32 pm

To be fair, there is a region of provençe where “Lizard” is a common given name. And the bad guy in the Samuel Jackson remake of Shaft was nicknamed “peoples.” So from that to Lizard People being a real name is not a huge jump.

Servo December 18, 2008 at 2:36 pm

“Can you get to a poundcake?”

gjdodger December 18, 2008 at 2:36 pm

That’s “Frahn-ken-steen.”

shortsshortsshorts December 18, 2008 at 2:36 pm

What the hell is “Minnesota?”

Deepthroat December 18, 2008 at 2:36 pm

we just had our office party. i had ttoo much wine. i am drunk. somebody take me home. that is all.

TeddyS December 18, 2008 at 2:37 pm

I’m waiting for 8 o’clock tonight when it will all be explained on CNN by Campbell Brown while she interviews some biased bull.

AngryBlakGuy December 18, 2008 at 2:38 pm

…lock them in a phone booth with a pen knives for an hour, last man standing wins!

AngryBlakGuy December 18, 2008 at 2:40 pm

[re=202300]Deepthroat[/re]: …drunk enough to find me attractive?!

Serolf Divad December 18, 2008 at 2:41 pm


Get your coat. I’ll be by in 15 minutes.

shortsshortsshorts December 18, 2008 at 2:41 pm

[re=202300]Deepthroat[/re]: That dude following you home is angryblakguy.

AngryBlakGuy December 18, 2008 at 2:44 pm

[re=202311]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: …shhhhhhhhhhhh! I in the back seat!

TGY December 18, 2008 at 2:47 pm

What *is* a ‘Mexican Death Match’, anyway? Does it have to do with Lou Dobbs? Or perhaps I don’t want to know.

seriesoftubescleaner December 18, 2008 at 2:47 pm

When Blaggo flies over can he just jump out the plane and parachute his ass in there?

SayItWithWookies December 18, 2008 at 2:47 pm

Al Franken just said that if he’s elected he’s going to have a herpetologist give the invocation. Betrayal!

WadISay December 18, 2008 at 2:48 pm

[re=202300]Deepthroat[/re]: My pleasure. I am the guy wearing the lampshade.

Theodorick Of York December 18, 2008 at 2:49 pm

[re=202300]Deepthroat[/re]: [re=202307]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: [re=202310]Serolf Divad[/re]:

Two men enter, one man leaves.
For either post…you decide.

TGY December 18, 2008 at 2:50 pm

[re=202300]Deepthroat[/re]: Bummers. We never have booze at ours. I always debate with myself whether to attend since what’s the use?

Vanity Smurf December 18, 2008 at 2:54 pm

When will this episode of “Two Candidates, One Cup” end? Coleman’s going to get indicted and have to resign if he gets back in anyway. Al can wait 2 years for the special if he has to.

Kev-O-Tron December 18, 2008 at 2:55 pm

[re=202300]Deepthroat[/re]: Forget these other guys. I’ve got an apartment right around the corner and some really great weed.

shortsshortsshorts December 18, 2008 at 2:55 pm

[re=202325]TGY[/re]: Ours is tomorrow. I work in a law office, so everyone will be drunk and assfucking each other.
Oh wonderful gawdless litigation!

actor212 December 18, 2008 at 2:56 pm

I TOLD Franken to accept the nomination of the Lizard Party, but did he listen? Noooooooooooo………

Theodorick Of York December 18, 2008 at 2:59 pm

[re=202320]WadISay[/re]: [re=202328]Kev-O-Tron[/re]:
Now, that’s Deepthroat drunk and 4 anxious suitors in 19 minutes….
this is quickly taking on that Bah-chikka-wa-waaaa flavor.

magic titty December 18, 2008 at 3:02 pm

[re=202336]Theodorick Of York[/re]: Is that Hawaiian for bukkake?

Violenza December 18, 2008 at 3:04 pm

Franken must feel like this guy today.

DeLand DeLakes December 18, 2008 at 3:04 pm

I’s Wonkette’s favrit state?

Monsieur Grumpe December 18, 2008 at 3:06 pm

HaHa Our company stocks the fridge with beer every week. Good beer. Not that Bud Lite brain damaging crap.

kapish December 18, 2008 at 3:06 pm

What the voter was clearly indicating on his (her?) ballot was: (a) he wanted to vote for Al, and (b) that Al was a “Evil reptilian kitten-eater from another planet”. That was easy enough.

Citizen Kang December 18, 2008 at 3:08 pm


I respect you in so many ways for that subtle Young Frankenstein reference.

magic titty December 18, 2008 at 3:11 pm

[re=202343]Violenza[/re]: What’s wrong with his face (the man)?

Larry McAwful December 18, 2008 at 3:13 pm

[re=202330]actor212[/re]: He was endorsed by the Democrats For Lizards, though. Not to be confused with the other DFL, whatever it is they do.

Democrats For Lizards are also active in neighboring Wisconsin, where they regularly endorse Senator Herp Kohl.

Monsieur Grumpe December 18, 2008 at 3:14 pm

I’m guessing he named him Bitey

Enturbulate December 18, 2008 at 3:15 pm

[re=202347]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: So you’re an Air Traffic Controller? Cool.

Serolf Divad December 18, 2008 at 3:27 pm

[re=202355]magic titty[/re]:

Seriously, I’m wondering: how many readers upon seeing that picture are like “Forget the fox, WTF is up with his face?”

Monsieur Grumpe December 18, 2008 at 3:28 pm

Nope, nuclear power plant engineer.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict how this whole mess will end. Norm comes out on top by 11 votes after the judges finish counting. They add in the mail-in ballets that were falsely rejected and Al wins by 12 votes. It goes to the Minnesota Supreme Court and they give it Norm. It goes to the Federal Supreme Court and they give to Al. The Lizard People invade and eat the government. The end.

Violenza December 18, 2008 at 3:36 pm

[re=202343]Violenza[/re]: What I meant was, the lizard people voter is like the dog, the vote not being counted is like the fox, and the fuchsia-faced Chinaman is like Al Franken.

snideinplainsight December 18, 2008 at 3:38 pm

Lizard People: they blame furries.

finallyhappy December 18, 2008 at 3:38 pm

it has been an hour- I am tired of this post. I want something nee. Wonkette staff -are you all watching jon Fav at Starbucks??

snideinplainsight December 18, 2008 at 3:39 pm

and now we see that Mitch is one of them -

RobPetrified December 18, 2008 at 3:47 pm

If he couldn’t kill Coleman with a knife, Al could simply read the phone book out loud and Coleman would eventually kill himself.

Toomush Infermashun December 18, 2008 at 3:54 pm

Kev-O-Tron: is that offer still open…? I’m headed to your apartment….with the Myers and cola…

TGY December 18, 2008 at 3:54 pm

[re=202329]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: [re=202347]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Bastards! And I say that with all due respect.

WagTehGod December 18, 2008 at 3:54 pm

The question nobody is asking: The ruling clearly indicates that the person voted for somebody besides Franken, right? Does this mean that Lizard People will get a vote then? Cuz I would soooo move to Minnesota just because of that.

Deepthroat December 18, 2008 at 3:58 pm

I love you all so much, but Kevo-o-tron’s got the goods… oh hell, “Bah-chikka-wa-waaaa” it is!

actor212 December 18, 2008 at 4:03 pm

[re=202357]Larry McAwful[/re]: I wondered about that weird thing Franken did with his tongue during the debates.

Say, I think McCain did the same thing, now that I think about it…

WIDTAP December 18, 2008 at 4:07 pm

Ok, Frankenstein is the Jewish Golem. Superman is the Jewish Immigrant. Who is Batman supposed to be again?

WadISay December 18, 2008 at 4:12 pm

You can watch the ballots being counted live. It’s hypnotic:


Coleman is now up by fewer than 90 votes.

Deepthroat December 18, 2008 at 4:13 pm

so dowes anyone here acutally live near Harrisburg shitville anyway?

Mahousu December 18, 2008 at 4:17 pm

The directory does not lie. Folks, there is not one but three Lizard People in these here United States. True, none of them are in Minnesota right now, but they could always move.

Deepthroat December 18, 2008 at 4:29 pm

Mahousu: and they all live in warm, arid environments. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

villageatrois December 18, 2008 at 4:37 pm

Honestly, if I had been bad enough to serve time as a Minnesota Election Judge, I would rule that the voter chose: 1) Lizard People first, 2) Al Franken second, and 3) All others, not so much. The top Lizard People vote apparently pertains to some office higher than US Senator. In Minnesota, that would be Fisheries Commissioner.

InKnockYouUs December 18, 2008 at 5:10 pm

[re=202443]Mahousu[/re]: Why do you assume that the “L” stands for Lizard? The could just be little people. Are you going to call them up to ask?

wickedlittledoll December 18, 2008 at 5:33 pm

I’ll take lizard people over those two clowns any day. Besides who really cares about minnesota any way?

Cthulhu December 18, 2008 at 5:45 pm

Actually, “Lizard people” just might be some obscure reference to ‘So long, and thanks for all the fish’ (Douglas Adams).
“Take me to your lizard” anyone?
Or perhaps it’s from H.P. Lovecraft, ‘The Nameless City’.

Or perhaps not.

Monsieur Grumpe' December 18, 2008 at 6:09 pm

Norm is now leading by only 6 votes. Ha!

Darehead December 18, 2008 at 6:30 pm

[re=202282]Neon Trotsky[/re]: If it had been Gecko people, the story would be different.

p-Sludge December 18, 2008 at 6:49 pm

I think illegal immigrants are to blame for this. Now, hear me out: The bottom one almost looks like it says “Lizard Apple”. That’s got to be something like an “Alligator Pear”, another name for an avocado, the major ingredient in guacamole. Bueno. Presto.

bago December 18, 2008 at 8:34 pm

He’s the goddamn Batman!

aleks December 18, 2008 at 9:38 pm

[re=202297]gjdodger[/re]: I heart you. Do me.

Freelance Minion December 18, 2008 at 10:56 pm

There was a time when Minnesota was the sensible, boring state.

That said, if they had kept that wrasslin governor, they probably wouldn’t have had the lizard people problem. Next election, they should draft El Santo for something.

A Geek Tragedy December 19, 2008 at 7:24 am

Look at that ballot, though. He has written “Lizard People” for president and filled in the oval next to it. For Senator he has written “Lizard people” but filled in the oval for Franken. Therefore he meant to vote for Franken but was just wanting to make it clear that Lizard people should have been an available option.

dijetlo December 19, 2008 at 11:51 am

[re=202318]seriesoftubescleaner[/re]: It’s the only way in, the Lizard People have closed the borders to everyone but Alan Greenspan and his sex slave/succubus Andrea Mitchell.
We could take Dick Cheny, tape an apple in his mouth, slather his naked flesh with butter and send him running across the boarder to distract them, but then who would we use as “The Human Torch of Liberty” come inauguration day.
The key here is Mrs Coleman, the queen of the Lizardkind. If we take her out, their revolution will degenerate into a mad scramble for hot rocks and then a lot of torpor because it is very cold in the tribal lands this time of year.

getoffmylawn December 20, 2008 at 2:26 pm

Clearly the absentee ballots cast by residents of Levels 4 and below at Dulce base, those ballots have gone “missing.” That’s where the Lizard People are you know.

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