Few e-mails — especially press releases! — have ever been so deserving of a Gmail Star. Oh, GAHH, this was for “Immediate Release” and we’re 11 hours late! Sorry! Onward.

Oh my god:

On Monday December 8th, Liberal websites such as FARK.COM and WONKETT.COM called for the FAILing of “Thank You” website. To FAIL the website means to render it ineffective by targeting the integrity of the data and or writing scripts to hit the website so that the server gets bogged down enough to prevent users from accessing the URL. Closeted conservatives who frequent these liberal sites informed the webmaster what was happening and the problem was resolved within a few hours. They also asked to be kept anonymous for fear of retaliation. The webmaster confirmed that hostile emails were sent stating that the webmaster should die and change the site to reflect their view that President Bush should be impeached. Ironically there are hundreds of sites and groups that already exist asking for the impeachment of President Bush with millions of signatures while this one and only non-political site had 500 signatures before the attack. The site is back up and open to all who want to sign sincerely to exercise their free speech.

Well this just sounds dastardly. Fuck

(Also, sentence #2 of this press release opens the door for the creation of a new terrible Internet meme, so someone make sure that happens.)


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  • Yaybuls

    Won Kett sounds like the name of my accupuncturist.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    I’m sorry, there’s already so many memes I can’t keep track; do we really need another one? How about a Campbell Brown tradition instead?

  • shortsshortsshorts


  • Norm Burlowski

    He he he… the conservatives are “closeted.”

  • SystemError

    “The site is back up and open to all who want to sign sincerely to exercise their free speech.”

    Conservatives aren’t too good with the irony are they?

  • toastandlove


  • Capitol Hillbilly

    All he did was keep us safe. That’s all. Nothing else.

  • eatsshootsleaves

    I just searched It apparently is a source for Russian Brides, Orlando Vacations, and Sarah Palin news. So basically the same.

  • Serolf Divad

    Monday December 8th? Dang… one day earlier and they could have added “a day that will live in infamy” and compared to to the Japanese automaker’s attack on Pearl harbor 57 years ago.

  • magic titty

    I have an immediate release every time someone accesses my URL.
    That was the main theme of this ‘presser’, yes?

  • Jim Newell

    [re=202068]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: I like the concept of thanking him for keeping us safe “after 9/11.” Maybe we should also thank him for not declaring any wars on Iraq since the first one.

  • CrunchyKnee

    I too hungover this morning to commit any FAILings, but damnit, that web”master” should die.

  • user-of-owls

    Ok, so who are all the “closeted conservatives” lurking about here? WITCH HUNT!!

  • Wonks Adventure

    and the number one related search on the homepage? russian brides. those pinkos have insulted our dear president for the last time.

    also, since when is FARK liberal? they’re like south park, they make fun of everyone.

  • loquaciousmusic

    Closeted conservatives who frequent these liberal sites informed the webmaster what was happening and the problem was resolved within a few hours.

    Shorts, you’ve been outed. Go back to NRO, you flaming elephant!

  • Mr Blifil

    Closeted conservatives? Who knew?

    Here’s the trick. They usually can be spotted in their double layer neoprene wetsuits, including or excluding the dildoes.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    What the hell? It isn’t even posting my wonderful names and comments anymore! This webmaster guy sure should die. He is learning internet traditions that hurt America.

    [re=202075]user-of-owls[/re]: DON’T TELL THE OTHERS.

  • Canmon (the Inadequate)

    “[T]here are hundreds of sites and groups that already exist asking for the impeachment of President Bush with millions of signatures while this one and only non-political site had 500 signatures before the attack”. Perhaps that should tell them something.

  • MattW

    Alright, who’s the mole?

  • bryan j

    You guys are liberals!?!?! WTF!?!? I have been fooled.

  • Servo

    Just offering a little constructive criticism. Jeez.

  • finallyhappy

    This is a liberal site??? I thought it was a drunk site. I’m hoping Rick Warren is closeted.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I would thank “W” for keeping Americans safe; except for when he screwed up on:

    -USS Cole
    -Anthrax attacks
    -4000+ dead soldiers in Iraq
    -The Chinese holding our airmen hostage(remember that?)

  • Mr Blifil

    Here’s my favorite so far…

    1248 Carmen Major Thank you, Thank you Enjoy your free time. Well deserved.

    I guess that was the dude’s problem over the last 8 years. Not enough “free time.” Now if a city drowns, he can sleep right on through…oh, wait…

  • Borat

    Well, these guys really are fast on the uptake. I’m glad this immediate release happened 10 days after the event. But it does bring back some fond memories of a simplier time before webmasters figured out how to stop FAIL attacks on innocent 500 user websites.

    Anyone want to take responsibility for the script? (I’m guessing their minds can’t comprehend this is just a collective protest rather than the HACKREZ)

    Oh oh, I’m giving too much away, there might be Closeted Conservatives here. Come on guys, will you step out the closet and we can have our way with you??

  • tiger

    I had a “release” this morning on the toilet, and i too thought of George Bush. Hmmm…Kismet?

  • Mara47

    Hey, Ashley Todd signed the new Thankee site, so, you know, count me in! A shame we have to do this all over again, tough, innit?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    [re=202096]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: …oops and I left out the time he let N.Korea get a nuke!

  • blader

    This website sounds like my kind of website. Anybody know where to sign up?

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    That second sentence gives me a screaming headache. Therefore, it too is full of FAIL.

  • PedestrianMe

    Sign it as historical villains; they wouldn’t know the name and approve it.

  • anabellum

    ‘closeted conservatives’ is an oxymoran…

  • Rush

    Where the “F” is Campbell???????

  • The Real JR Revisted

    The conservatives storyline were actually the 13th chapter of the R Kelly “Trapped in the Closet” saga, right after the pastor catching “the pa-pa-pa-package”.

  • FMA

    Wait, I didn’t think we did anything “to render it ineffective by targeting the integrity of the data and or writing scripts to hit the website so that the server gets bogged down enough to prevent users from accessing the URL.”

    I thought we just left smartass posts. What’s with this “writing scripts” shit?

    I haven’t looked, but is Heywood Jablome still on the list?

  • Borat

    I’m guessing they have to approve all postings now and the SCREW YOU BUSHIE TRUCK BALLS N NUTZ FOR EVAR won’t go through anymore.

    So it took them 10 days to implement that & scrub all the names (probably had to read each one different ways to see if they had some hidden message)? Well, multiple shoe throwing games were invented in 12 hours, these guys can’t pull this off even with all their closeted support.

  • freakishlystrong

    Over 1,300 Signatures! Who are these freaks?

  • robanybody

    Which “county” did W keep safe while he was trashing the Constitution? Just curious. Anyway, my personal theory is there weren’t more than a handful of terrorists out there after 9-11 to begin with. Otherwise, how do you explain that no one simply walked into a busy air terminal, where thousands of people congregate and there’s virtually no way to keep someone out, and blew something up? Why no buildings blasted with fertilizer? Malls attacked by crazed zealots? Any of these would be simple if there were actually terrorists around to do them. Sorry, but I think the terrorist-lurking-behind-every-rock theory was way overblown and simply made it easier for the fascists to over-react and clamp down on personal liberties. I’m sure there were a couple of clearly incompetent terrorists hanging about, but giving G. Bush credit for “keeping us safe” from them is a stretch. Decent police work, not stomping on the Constitution, is what “kept us safe” to the extent there were real threats. I guess it’s not patriotic to think we’re not constantly in danger, though. So I’m a bad, but not terrified, person. So lock me up and beat me with a stick.

    More importantly, where’s Campbell? Good thing I made a screen shot. For the finger puppets. Now I need a Lou Dobbs for her to make out with. She’s getting tired of all the lap dances, and her edges are starting to fray. I figure Lou-Puppet will be a perfect gentleman. Unless she mentions illegal immigrants, in which case he’ll be all over her.

  • The Real JR Revisted

    [re=202112]FMA[/re]: F’real. It’s making it sound like commenting with “lol u suck” is me being a master hacker.

    Dude, I’m a master hacker.

  • Borat

    Let’s start randomly attacking one about who are the the closeted conservatives. At least half the comments I read on the conservative blogs are people trying to fink one another out.

    I’ll start by pointing the figer at that weekend ralph nader guy who probably hasn’t come out of the closet since the election.

  • Mara47

    Wow! I just got “Teeni Bwane” to sign. Who else do we know who could add to the fail phun?

  • pondscum

    How is that site non-political? It’s about the fuckwit in the White House. Doesn’t that automatically make it political?

  • Violenza

    #1287 Roll Fizzlebeef
    #1210 Dave and Pam Bragdonpambrag

    uhh…was this us?

  • Violenza

    You guys…#1149 Dirk T. Sanchez


  • WagTehGod

    Damn, who outed me? Wait’ll I tell my lord and savior Bill Kristol on all of you.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Thank you, President Bush.

  • Gorillionaire

    It’s easy to spot the closeted conservatards – they’re the ones who always clench their teeth really hard when they insist that they are “Libertarians” and then turn around real fast and rub their penises on a picture of Reagan.

  • Vewol Mevemont

    [re=202115]freakishlystrong[/re]: I think these are ACORN signatures.

  • Bypartizoa

    I’d like to FAIL the Wonkette site by saying that George W. Bush has kept us sa- uh…has been a wonderful Presid- ….fuck, I just can’t bring myself to say it.

  • Mustang

    Closeted? There’s nothin’ here but flaming liberals!

  • El Bombastico

    I’m surprised it didn’t say “To TRUCKNUTZ a website is to render it ineffective…”

  • BigBrainOnBrad

    I wonder if I should try to get Hugh G. Rection by them again. Anybody try to see if the site is accepting signatures again?

  • Borat

    I have a bit of a hacking cough right now (cold + I won’t give up the weedz). Does this make me a hacker? Pleeeze? I always wanted to be an outlaw

  • Borat

    [re=202073]Jim Newell[/re]: Jim, Please Please write them back and try to get an exlcusive interview. If you post this Friday night, we’ll have all weekend to attackz them…

  • Mustang

    I love it … Thank you for the “ooportunity” Oop. Why doncha proofread your stinkin’ webpage if it’s so stinkin’ sacred?

  • TGY

    Shocked! Shocked, I say!

  • aristoggle

    I like the fact that they only want to thank him for what happened after September 11, 2001. Is that a subtle recognition of the fact that before the terrorist attacks he was the vacationingest – and laziest – President we’ve ever had?

    I wonder how they vet the names? I mean, Mary Jane Sweet? What pothead posted that?

    Also … this thing has been up for what, two years or so? Only 1306 signatures …

  • Woodwards Friend

    Thanks President Bush for keeping us safe AFTER 9/11. Also, thanks Mitch Williams for striking out all of those hitters AFTER Joe Carter’s home run in the ’93 World Series. Finally, thanks to the Minnesota Department of Transportation for keeping Minnesota’s bridges and overpasses safe AFTER that one collapsed horribly last year.

  • The Neoskeptic

    oh hai


    i fixed dat 4 u

  • Chief Grinning Eagle

    [re=202115]freakishlystrong[/re]: Hey, I signed it with the name “Flatulent Asshole” with the e mail and they counted my signature. I didn’t know there were more than twelve hundred other body parts that smelled that bad. . .
    I’d bet that’s who signed: Fragrant Armpit –; Brownstained Gluteus – etcetera. Who would use his real name?

  • freakishlystrong

    The fact that there are closeted Conservatards lurking here is creeping me out more than Campbell..

  • bago

    The problem with writing a script is that they had a tracking cookie and you had to maintain state across at least two http invocations. I’m willing to fake some cookies in ten minutes, but blowing 30 minutes of stateful threading on these turds? Pfeh.

  • slithytoves

    I’m bummed they didn’t post my “Yourmi Arschloch.”

  • slithytoves

    [re=202174]bago[/re]: And if I knew what you were talking about, I’d totally agree.

  • aristoggle


    Was that some of that fancy interwebs talk?

  • snideinplainsight

    Don yo thin it a littl peuril to mak fu of thes closete conservative ? Al they wante was to hav a littl websit wher the coul say ‘Than yo ‘ to Presiden Bus . It no politica .

  • Cubilista

    Unless the oath of office for the president and vice president was secretly changed to only protect us against foreign enemies, I remember this little part of the oath that says “to protect and defend against all enemies foreign and DOMESTIC.”
    Bush, Cheney, and Rove insists that the torture policies (among other things) were instrumental and “directly responsible for the fact that we’ve been able to avoid or defeat further attacks against the homeland for 7 1/2 years.”
    On Dec 12, 2008 an Oregon bank was bombed by a “DOMESTIC terrorist.” This attack killed 2 cops, critically injured a third cop, and a hurt a bank worker.

    It is obvious this whole 7 and a half years of safety meme isn’t only a lie, it’s utter B.S.

    And what about the first 6 months of the presidency?
    Who was president when 9/11/01 happened?
    By the minimal standards set forth by the oath of office, this presidency has been a failure. They have failed to protect us from foreign and domestic terrorists. Don’t let him forget it!

  • blowhard

    Dear President Bush,
    Thank you for keeping us safe from government intervention in such private matters as hurricane relief, no-collateral mortgage lending, and securities regulation.

    Michael Schiavo

  • CivicHoliday

    Ok, I give…it was me, conservative in the closet. I’m the mole. I, um, like elephants and, uh, little boys, and, yeah, f*k those liberals and their War on Christmas, or baby jesus, or whatever, and, like, no taxes for anybody, because, um, free market rulz, and, uh, bomb those towel heads to oblivion, cause, you know, ‘Murica is da best, go USA, USA, USA, drill me here and now…? Did I get all that?

    I’m not very convincing. Guess we’ll have to look elsewhere. AngryBlackGuy? Maybe a little TOO good?

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=202164]Chief Grinning Eagle[/re]: Don’t forget teh “taint”’s the new “meme”..Jeebus..

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=202184]Cubilista[/re]: I’m so tired of the wing nutz saying that those two criminals took an oath to protect us, and no one corrects them, they take an oath to protect the constitution, and on that front a miserable FAIL.

  • kantro

    Speaking of closeted conservatives… Is that “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen right there at 928? Seems the libruls are getting a little more subtle with their hax0rs.

  • pepe

    Cannot believe this is real! He really thought Fark’s “fail” tag meant that FAIL was a Web-verb meaning a DDOS attack?

  • quoth teh Raven

    [re=202116]robanybody[/re]: Gee, ya think??

  • 4tehlulz

    \/\/3 |Z TEH 1337 h4XX0rz

  • Mista Eko

    10 days of repair and they can’t even get the signatures with comments over 50 characters to line up correctly.

  • quoth teh Raven

    I am basking in such a sense of power, right now, also.

  • LeslieBee

    We’ve been infiltrated by the closeted conservatives, people! They look … and feel … like us. JUST LIKE CYLONS.

  • Kev-O-Tron

    I’m a CLOSETED CONSERVATIVE??? I’ve never felt so dirty and awkward in my life and I’m a lonely, bisexual drunk.

  • HipHopOpotamus

    Rick Roll’s still there – score one for the FAIL Wonkett!

  • Sproutz

    Now my brain inextricably associates the phrase “launching a FAIL” with the link about the poop smell of DC, and I now think the phrase refers to a disappointing bowel movement.

  • DeLand DeLakes

    “Closeted conservatives” implies that there are conservatives “passing” as libtards on this site because they feel compelled to fit in in order to gain a certain set of social privileges. So come on, closet elephants, time for your coming out party. Why do you feel pressured to hide who you really are in order to lurk undetected here at Wonkette? Is it the sheer volume of space we dedicate to talking about buttsecks? The expose photos of Sarah Palin’s saggy grandma-crotch, clad in a damp Wal-Mart swimsuit? What is it? What?

  • Kev-O-Tron

    [re=202116]robanybody[/re]: extra whore diamonds for ending the sensible comment with some fully perverted snark.

  • S.Luggo

    I see that these made the cut:
    Carmen S. Diego
    Heywood Jablome
    Heckuva Job
    Valerie Plame

  • SnarkNotFark

    [re=202216]LeslieBee[/re]: You’re thinking of the aliens from V. However, closeted conservative do look just like Cylons, with cold silver skin and red, red eyes.

  • Gimmeabreak

    Can’t be this Wonkette. According to this line, “Ken Layne is a lifelong patriot and editor of the conservative website Wonkette” on this page , this is not a liberal group.

  • groove

    Somewhere there’s a leet hax0r script kiddie whining about Wonkette stealing his thunder. lol @ ignorant press release writers.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    E. Tay Bagodix has pledged his allegience.

  • bago

    Dick’s IS right down the hill from me, but the hill is covered in snow. That’s why I was just snowboarding.

  • problemwithcaring

    Thank You Mr. President! For Keeping us safe!!! I mean, safe after 9/11!!! All of us! I mean, with the exception of the several million people living in the gulf-coast region during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Rita and/or Ike.

    A sincere Thank You! from – All the rest of us! Though…not including the several hundred returning injured veterans that had the misfortune of being stationed at Walter Reed. So, not that small number – plus the several thousands more unable to get adequate healthcare at other VA’s. Not those. And of course, excluding, all teh gheys. And black people. So, yes, Thanks for keeping all the rest of us safe!!

    (Minus the 4,000-odd soldiers that VOLUNTEERED to be unsafe.) Thanks. Safe. Yea!

  • Larry McAwful

    This is appalling. I would never do anything like that. And neither would my friends Anita Hanjob and Phil McCracken, whom I let use my computer on Monday, December 8, for some reason.

  • Robobot

    “They also asked to be kept anonymous for fear of retaliation.”

    Yeah! That’s right, and now we are going to fail all you no good closet conservatives! We will eff your faces up with our drunken posts and Truck Nutz tomfoolery! We will even find out the identities of you fucking tattletales and not give a damn because this isn’t middle school! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, DEAD MEN?

    (Since the right is notoriously terrible at detecting sarcasm- Fun Fact: That’s a symptom of Altzheimer’s! – I guess I need to add a lame little disclaimer for y’all: Wonkett is what they call a “political humor” website. We make lame “jokes” don’t mean anything and stick them in posts most of us don’t even remember writing by the next morning. It’s what old farts call “good clean fun,” which I hear is all the rage in your compassionate conservative men’s restrooms.)

    We’re on the same page now, right?

  • sex towel

    [re=202096]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Unfortunately, we can’t finger W for the USS Cole. That happened on Bubba’s watch.

  • actor212

    [re=202069]eatsshootsleaves[/re]: What? No Campbell Brown? How declasse!

  • Enturbulate

    Disturbingly, I found this W memorabilia site while on my way to post sincere thanks from Russ T. Trhombone, Proud American.

    Be warned. This is appalling stuff. So close to parody without even trying. *sigh*

  • MFitz

    A sincere thank you entered from
    Campbell-on-cnn with the heartfelt message:
    8pm. Weeknights. CNN.

    Hopefully will be appearing soon. Looks as if they’re screening the names *before* showing them now. Jerks.

  • Larry McAwful

    We should all meet tonight at the Secret Liberal Hideout to discuss who the closet conservatives are among us, and how to root them out. Whoever they are. I mean, can you believe this?

    By the way, guys, I forget where the Secret Liberal Hideout is. And how the secret knock goes. Care to help a fellow real liberal out?

    Free Mumia!

  • Borat

    [re=202248]Gimmeabreak[/re]: Does that mean Ken is having a laugh at our expense? He’s setting all this up to make us LIBRULS look bad?

    Well, OK. Keep up the good work, Ken, I’m enjoying the ride.

  • Borat

    [re=202346]Larry McAwful[/re]: Come on, you know all the true Libs hang out here:

    And the secret handshake reminds you of setting up a teevee (wink wink)

  • Robobot

    [re=202339]Enturbulate[/re]: Parody? What? How could I possibly make fun of a Bush commemorative paperweight?

  • Pizzuti

    OH NOES!

    They weren’t supposed to SAY they got the information from a “closeted conservative.” I’ve been exposed!

  • Exiled in Texas

    Nice to see his friends still support him:

    797 Jeff Gannon

  • Mista Eko

    This gives Richard Clarke’s harrowing line “Your Government FAILed you” an entirely new – and appropriate – meaning.

  • groove

    [re=202334]sex towel[/re]: I don’t think W should be fingered ever.

  • Kev-O-Tron

    What do you suppose a closeted Republican does for kicks? Sneak away from the commune to watch Hannity at some swanky downtown steakhouse bar?

  • Gleep!

    This closeted conservative stuff is scary- what if they’re like deep cover sleeper conservatives? or Manchurian Conservatives? I wonder if you can can be so far in the closet that you don’t even know you’re a conservative- but if that was the case I bet everyone around you would see it clear as day…

  • zhubajie

    [re=202155]Mustang[/re]: Because Bush fans use Bush’s spelling.

    Zhu Bajie

  • zhubajie

    “Manchurian Conservatives?”

    They want to restore the Qing Dynasty?

    Zhu Bajie

  • Gleep!

    [re=202553]zhubajie[/re]: nah you know- Frank Sinatra, Angela Lansburyhow about a game of solitaire?- extreme cold war paranoia? (i never saw the remake so that’s my reference point)

  • glamourdammerung

    I thank Bush for protecting New Orleans against hurricanes after Katrina because hey, the city has not been destroyed since then.

  • WABishop

    [re=202115]freakishlystrong[/re]: I signed it with my real name, but I did it ironically.

  • stopmebeforeitypeagain

    [re=202142]Mustang[/re]: I was sniffing Sterno fumes again, and now I have a flaming closet.

  • Lazy Media

    Woot! Heywood Jablome and Doug Graves both are still proud Bush supporters.

  • HipHopOpotamus

    furthermore, I’m offended my R. Blagojevich was not accepted.

  • Borat

    Hey, the brainy fast thinking webmaster behind this is actually posting ACTUAL email addresses now, on the site!?

    Hmmm, any good 419 emails that need responding to?

    Where is Nigerian Business Executive when we need him? Well, probably hanging out in Ikoyi or Lekki or something – anyway – if you ever slum it, try to find some guys to sell them gold dust from Benin, etc

  • Borat

    [re=202662]HipHopOpotamus[/re]: Well, you came up with too fake a name! Blagojevich isn’t a real name, and if you say it fast it probably means something dirty = Ban it

  • FreshCliches

    1265 Ana Lyn Sershin you betcha!

    I love you all.

  • foog

    Once you pull all the goofy names they missed, I think they might be left with 50 signatures. Here are a couple more that I think haven’t been mentioned yet…

    928 Bob Allen
    921 Ana Lynn Sershin
    919 AfghaniAbortionSurvivor
    900 George Merkin
    888 Freda Felcher
    850 Paul Atreides
    750 Dale Gribbel
    635 Joe Ritzenbacher
    597 Stephen Harper

  • Panderfinder

    it was nice of them to send out a press release sharing their
    secret plot. I wonder if they also program letters backwards
    on their faces and report imaginary assaults
    to the police.

  • Panderfinder

    oh, and can we have a line of WONKETT=FAIL
    merchandise made for us, too?

  • dontquitnow

    For Immediate Release: American Citizens Targeted by Republican “President”

    The Republican Administration has targeted the non political ENTIRE POPULATION OF A COUNTRY who simply wish to be free to do or not do whatever the fuck they want in accordance with the Constitution. On Jan 20, 2000, these Republicans called for the FAILing of an entire country’s way of life. To FAIL a country means to render it ineffective by targeting the integrity of the data and or writing signing statements to hit the country so that the system gets bogged down enough to prevent users from accessing the freedom.

  • dontquitnow

    If the Wonketteer cared for us AT ALL, the E will be absent from the banner for a few days. Come on, we FAIL entire non-political websites for you, is it really too much to ask? HENNGH?!

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