words as chewable objects

Behold The Alaskan Hope Bear

Upgrade to Hope.We have finally solved a great mystery here at Wonkette International Headquarters! We kept seeing these insane commercials on the teevee, with Beyoncé encouraging us to upgrade to digital cable while she writhed around in golden garbs and held a menacing trinket in her teeth reading “UPGRADE.” Since when, we asked, did Beyoncé care about anything as prosaic as technology? It turns out this digital cable commercial is just a rehash of an actual song about materialistic things, which we would have known if we ever hung out with youngsters.

Anyway! Somebody sent us a link to this funny Hope Bear photo on Barack Obama’s Flickr account. It, too, is holding something in its teeth, the end. [Barack Obama’s Flickr page]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith
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  1. freakishlystrong

    I can read teh tags again! Cuz they’re hilarious! Though “Threatdown” might’ve applied here as well, just sayin’.

  2. Jesus_Christ_Resurrected

    That commercial would be so much better if they spelled it right, and by right i mean “UPGRAYEDD.” The second D stands for a double-dose of pimpin.

  3. Borat

    I never would have thought Beyoncé would follow in the footsteps of Joe The Non-plumber. That guy IS visionary

  4. azw88

    [re=201950]magic titty[/re]: One is the Hope bear, the other is “I HOPE I find her BARE in my bed tonight”

  5. Cape Clod

    [re=201937]Jesus_Christ_Resurrected[/re]: I’m thinking about an UPGRAYEDD because I’m tired of the crappy service I get from my KAY-BOWL company.

  6. Godot

    [re=201953]Borat[/re]: She’s not, really. Beyonce’s commercial has nothing to do with the digital TV changeover, she’s just shilling for some cable company. Joe the Plunger is more like “YA GOTS TA UPGRAYYYD YER TEEVEE, SO THE SOCIALISTS DON’T SPREAD YER WELTH EROUND BY MAKIN YA MISS YER STORIEZ!!”

  7. WadISay

    I bet I have watched that Beyonce commercial a million times, and until I read this post I had no freaking clue what it was about, other than torsos and groins.

  8. Enturbulate

    Those fukkin’ commercials drive me insane! And not in teh good way. Beyonce is a just more talent-free proof that almost anything can be force fed to Merkins. Next she’s going to act. UGH. I wish her all the success of post-Gigli Jennifer Lopez. UGH.

    I may need medication. What’s a good online Paraguayan pharmacy?

  9. actor212

    [re=201984]Enturbulate[/re]: She was already in “Dreamgirls”. She was pretty good, but she played to her type, a diva, so….

  10. 2druk2phluq

    That’s Sarah Palin on one fine morning. The image is her lascivious way of saying she wants to perform oral upgrades all down in the hopeful pants. The experienced say the feeling is not unpleasant, if somewhat intimidating (with all the teeth and what not). As we all know she looks a little better after she puts-her-face-on/accentuates-her-makeup-tattoos.

  11. An American in Toronto

    It says “Not Available in Your Country” when I click on the link. Admit it, there is no Beyonce. It’s a tutorial about the invasion of the US into Canada to steal our tasty Universal Heathcare and cheap maple syrup.

  12. hobospacejungle

    So I guess everyone has forgotten Beyoncé’s awesomeness in one of them Austin Powers movies, huh?

    She was smokin’. I ain’t never heard of her before then and found her most delightful, if not the new black Audrey Hepburn.

    But you don’t f**k the acting skillz, amirite?

  13. Godot

    [re=202119]hobospacejungle[/re]: Any goodwill she had left from Austin Powers was used up when she made “All the Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)”.

  14. Kev-O-Tron

    I have immense respect for Beyonce. Not because she’s a talented performer (fuck that) but because she’s teaching the youngsters that it’s cool to wear slutty clothes. Thanks sweetie!

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