words as chewable objects

Behold The Alaskan Hope Bear

Upgrade to Hope.We have finally solved a great mystery here at Wonkette International Headquarters! We kept seeing these insane commercials on the teevee, with Beyoncé encouraging us to upgrade to digital cable while she writhed around in golden garbs and held a menacing trinket in her teeth reading “UPGRADE.” Since when, we asked, did Beyoncé care about anything as prosaic as technology? It turns out this digital cable commercial is just a rehash of an actual song about materialistic things, which we would have known if we ever hung out with youngsters.

Anyway! Somebody sent us a link to this funny Hope Bear photo on Barack Obama’s Flickr account. It, too, is holding something in its teeth, the end. [Barack Obama’s Flickr page]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

Comments

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  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I’d hit it! Of course I’m talking about Beyonce, you pervs!

  • freakishlystrong

    I can read teh tags again! Cuz they’re hilarious! Though “Threatdown” might’ve applied here as well, just sayin’.

  • dannygutters

    Feist has no power over bears, They’re godless killing machines.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …personally I think this guy would have made a better “mouth model” than the bear.

  • actor212

    The bear is better looking in the bathing suit…

  • rmontcal

    I love that Beyonce “Upgrade” song.

  • Jesus_Christ_Resurrected

    That commercial would be so much better if they spelled it right, and by right i mean “UPGRAYEDD.” The second D stands for a double-dose of pimpin.

  • facehead

    This gives new meaning to the phrase “hope boner.”

  • The Neoskeptic

    still the #1 threat

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=201925]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Yeah, Larry Craig’s got dibs on the bear.

  • azw88

    Looks like the Wonkette has gotten an Upgrade of its own, NO MORE CAMPBELL BROWN!

    (or is that a downgrade?)

  • Miller

    If only Governor Palin could have shot this bear from a helicopter before the election, we might have been spared our new Muslim nightmare. As long as the bear lives, Obama is invincible.

    http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/

  • magic titty

    Which one is the Hope bear?

  • Borat

    I never would have thought Beyoncé would follow in the footsteps of Joe The Non-plumber. That guy IS visionary

  • azw88

    [re=201950]magic titty[/re]: One is the Hope bear, the other is “I HOPE I find her BARE in my bed tonight”

  • Luke Warm

    The bear symbolizes Sarah Palin.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Upgrade Hope?
    NOT POSSIBLE WITH MY OFFICE’S I.T. GUY.
    That lazy cretin.

  • Cape Clod

    [re=201937]Jesus_Christ_Resurrected[/re]: I’m thinking about an UPGRAYEDD because I’m tired of the crappy service I get from my KAY-BOWL company.

  • Godot

    [re=201953]Borat[/re]: She’s not, really. Beyonce’s commercial has nothing to do with the digital TV changeover, she’s just shilling for some cable company. Joe the Plunger is more like “YA GOTS TA UPGRAYYYD YER TEEVEE, SO THE SOCIALISTS DON’T SPREAD YER WELTH EROUND BY MAKIN YA MISS YER STORIEZ!!”

  • WadISay

    I bet I have watched that Beyonce commercial a million times, and until I read this post I had no freaking clue what it was about, other than torsos and groins.

  • Servo

    Beyoncé is too corporate for my standards. Pass.

  • MoonshineJoe

    Barry needs to cut some of that BS defense spending and just get some of these: http://www.bruddabear.com/photo/BearCavalry.jpg

    With hope in their mouth, our bear cavalry will spread change and freedom through the land. They will also straight maul any muslin terrorists who mess with our hope.

  • Enturbulate

    Those fukkin’ commercials drive me insane! And not in teh good way. Beyonce is a just more talent-free proof that almost anything can be force fed to Merkins. Next she’s going to act. UGH. I wish her all the success of post-Gigli Jennifer Lopez. UGH.

    I may need medication. What’s a good online Paraguayan pharmacy?

  • Enturbulate

    Did I mention, UGH?

  • sanantonerose

    Is that what the Beyonce commercial is about?

    Huh.

  • actor212

    [re=201980]MoonshineJoe[/re]: They didn’t help The Golden Compass much at the box office…

  • actor212

    [re=201984]Enturbulate[/re]: She was already in “Dreamgirls”. She was pretty good, but she played to her type, a diva, so….

  • 2druk2phluq

    That’s Sarah Palin on one fine morning. The image is her lascivious way of saying she wants to perform oral upgrades all down in the hopeful pants. The experienced say the feeling is not unpleasant, if somewhat intimidating (with all the teeth and what not). As we all know she looks a little better after she puts-her-face-on/accentuates-her-makeup-tattoos.

  • elburrito

    That’s the bear of outdated ideology choking on racial transcendence.

  • An American in Toronto

    It says “Not Available in Your Country” when I click on the link. Admit it, there is no Beyonce. It’s a tutorial about the invasion of the US into Canada to steal our tasty Universal Heathcare and cheap maple syrup.

  • The Neoskeptic

    [re=201995]elburrito[/re]: after the bear ate the pony in slavery?

  • FMA

    [re=201937]Jesus_Christ_Resurrected[/re]: You see, a pimp’s love is very different from that of a square.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Nobody tells Beyoncé to “take her dirty, damn paws off of me.”

  • elburrito

    Suck on some Obama-style hope, Russia!

  • thefrontpage

    Those ads are just awful. Awful. Terrible, too.

  • hobospacejungle

    So I guess everyone has forgotten Beyoncé’s awesomeness in one of them Austin Powers movies, huh?

    She was smokin’. I ain’t never heard of her before then and found her most delightful, if not the new black Audrey Hepburn.

    But you don’t f**k the acting skillz, amirite?

  • S.Luggo

    I like watching the jingly round things on her dress. I’m talking about Campbell Brown.

  • ellie

    I hate that Beyonce commercial. I hit mute and turn away when it comes on.

  • Godot

    [re=202119]hobospacejungle[/re]: Any goodwill she had left from Austin Powers was used up when she made “All the Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)”.

  • Kev-O-Tron

    I have immense respect for Beyonce. Not because she’s a talented performer (fuck that) but because she’s teaching the youngsters that it’s cool to wear slutty clothes. Thanks sweetie!

  • Kev-O-Tron

    [re=201975]WadISay[/re]: Hey, really isn’t everything about “torsos and groins”?