SOOTHSAYING  2:19 pm December 16, 2008

Charlie Crist Will Run For President In 2012

by Sara K. Smith

Wonkette's Sexist Man Alive, 2008Here is a bold Internet prediction: the newly off-the-market bronze Floridian frat-mammal Charlie Crist will make a run for the presidency next go-round. After all the work he put into his failed quest for the Republican VP nod this year — everything from endorsing the reanimated corpse of John McCain to asking a lady for her hand in marriage — nobody would have been shocked if he had just quit politics altogether once the odious Sarah Palin stole his spot. But his decision to forge ahead, putting his bachelor life behind him and doing something nice for the Everglades, means just one thing: he plans to position himself as the safe, non-religious-wingnut, environmentally reasonable Republican alternative for 2012.

THINK ABOUT IT, PEOPLES.

  1. He got married to Carole Rome this past weekend even though he totally could have dumped her in September after McCain picked Palin. It was a beautiful and loving wedding, of course: “Crist kissed Rome briefly at the end of the ceremony — perhaps too briefly,” wrote the Orlando Sentinel, hilariously.
  2. He made a crazy big deal with the nation’s largest cane-sugar producer to buy up 187,000 acres in the Everglades. Environmentalists liked it, generally speaking! Of course, the deal will probably help out “Big Sugar,” which means terrible earth-raping Republicans like it too.
  3. He is a not-awful guy who seems to take it in stride when every publication in America calls him gay, and Floridians like him well enough.

Who else is going to run in 2012, Sarah Palin? In four years she will still be a witless narcissist in a trashy red motorcycle jacket; Bobby Jindal will still be a creepy castration fetishist; Mitt Romney will still be a laughable fake robot who socialized healthcare in Taxachusetts; Tom Tancredo will be forcibly Mexicanized; Mike Huckabee will have his own chain of Cracker Barrel-type restaurants and a daytime talk show; and John McCain will be dead. Charlie Crist is really the only option.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 46 comments }

shortsshortsshorts December 16, 2008 at 2:23 pm

At least the White House will be better decorated.

Iggy Plop December 16, 2008 at 2:24 pm

I’m not sure what it means to be forcibly Mexicanized, but if Tancredo is going to be forced to perform in a Tijiuana donkey show for the benefit of a bunch of drunk Anglo frat boys on spring break, I’d like to see that.

actor212 December 16, 2008 at 2:25 pm

Does that mean his new bride will be First Beard?

mattbolt December 16, 2008 at 2:26 pm

Jeb Bush / Charlie Crist ’12! Florida will rise again! No more moran taxation without moran representation!

Scarab December 16, 2008 at 2:27 pm

First he had a moustache and now he has a beard.

jagorev December 16, 2008 at 2:27 pm

So if Crist runs against Obama, would that make Obama the anti-Crist nominee in 2012? OMG NOSTRADAMUS WUZ RIGHT

Rush December 16, 2008 at 2:29 pm

Campbell Brown for Pres. if Wonkette removes the tacky add by 5:00PM.

Josh Fruhlinger December 16, 2008 at 2:29 pm

America is apparently ready for a black president — why not an orange one?

Serolf Divad December 16, 2008 at 2:29 pm

I HATE these stereotypes, people! Just because a gay politician enters into a sham wedding with a conniving social climber with a taste for Mexican gardeners and Guatemalan pool boys does not mean that he wants to run for higher office! He might just want someone to talk with evenings beside the fireplace. Have you ever though about that?!?!?!

mattbolt December 16, 2008 at 2:30 pm

Excuse me ma’am, I was alerted to your blog post from a freedom-centered libertarian message board I frequent, I believe your Republican Presidential race rundown has ONCE AGAIN ignored a certain noble Texas congressman who is the only REAL REPUBLICAN remaining, I have helpfully attached a 38-page letter to you via electronic mail outlining the accomplishments of DOCTOR CONGRESSMAN RONALD PAUL M.D. and I will make an outraged Youtube vlog if you do not comply with my demands for his inclusion good ma’am thank you good day to you ma’am sir

Borat December 16, 2008 at 2:30 pm

I’d vote for him in 2016 if he removes the shackles of his fraudulent marriage and is true to himself. And if he had great facial hair, I wouldn’t care about his VP pick

Mahousu December 16, 2008 at 2:32 pm

… and John McCain will be dead. I think you mean still dead.

Anyway, I did like this second photo the Orlando Sentinel had from the wedding:

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/media/photo/2008-12/43898968.jpg

SayItWithWookies December 16, 2008 at 2:34 pm

Hmm — competent and moderate? No that won’t do. Won’t do at all. Don’t the Republicans have at least one easily-manipulated witless jackass with folksy flair lying around? Dan Quayle probably qualifies as an elder statesman in that regard now.

Scarab December 16, 2008 at 2:35 pm

Crist,Palin, Jindal, Tancredo, Romney, Huckabee, McCain, you know they’re all mavericks.

It’s just that Crist is the only one to subscribe to Maverick magazine.

Come here a minute December 16, 2008 at 2:36 pm

[re=200182]Serolf Divad[/re]: If he needs someone to talk with evenings beside the fireplace, how about switching on CNN 8pm weeknights Campbell Brown? (Support your W0nkette sponsors!)

Borat December 16, 2008 at 2:37 pm

[re=200183]mattbolt[/re]: Is it Doctor Congressman? I thought it was Congressman Doctor?

Or His Excellency Congressman Doctor?

(of course if you are German with 2 PhDs, Doctor Doctor is acceptable – but I still don’t know if Congressman goes before or after)

freakishlystrong December 16, 2008 at 2:41 pm

And he’s another fiscal Repub genius, the economy down here is shitter than DC will be for the Inauguration.

metropolitan December 16, 2008 at 2:43 pm

he got married? what did he go to Massachusetts or something?

joezoo December 16, 2008 at 2:50 pm

Eh, we like him alright, but he’s been pretty ineffectual.

Paterlanger December 16, 2008 at 2:50 pm

[re=200183]mattbolt[/re]: ding, ding, ding!

cal December 16, 2008 at 2:55 pm

Now I would like to see those 3 in “Florida Erection.”

bfstevie December 16, 2008 at 3:00 pm

What does Bill Kristol think about all this row-de-dow?

Cape Clod December 16, 2008 at 3:07 pm

All I know is that if he wins, I’m not watching his crappy holiday videos center around his toy poodle.

obfuscator December 16, 2008 at 3:08 pm

Coincidentally, “Big Sugar” is also what the locals call when he’s relaxing Key West Style.

TGY December 16, 2008 at 3:09 pm

Oh, Jesus H. Crist.

lawrenceofthedesert December 16, 2008 at 3:09 pm

The Crist campaign will hinge on whether he can persuade Bruce Vilanch to be his running mate.

shortsshortsshorts December 16, 2008 at 3:13 pm

[re=200263]TGY[/re]: What is the root of Jesus H. Crist?
Oh… here it is:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus_H._Christ

Wait… all it said is that nobody knows what the “H.” stands for. What the fuck kind of explanation is that?

angryhippopotamus December 16, 2008 at 3:19 pm

Anybody else kind of feel sorry for the guy? I mean, he’s so deep in the closet he’s talking to mr. Tumnus. We should set up some sort of Charlie Crist, Larry Craig support group. It’s got to be sad not to mention lonely to live like that.

Voyou Charmant December 16, 2008 at 3:23 pm

[re=200172]mattbolt[/re]: The idea of Bush/Crist ’12(Crist is clearly a/the bottom) made my brain explode and I’m now crying blood. That is a truly terrifying possibility.

Doglessliberal December 16, 2008 at 3:30 pm

[re=200189]Mahousu[/re]: man, I’ve never been to a wedding like that! That would be worth going to.

Doglessliberal December 16, 2008 at 3:32 pm

OK, so he and his assassin team are going to root out and kill every guy he ever slept with in his life? Because you know they will come out, so to speak, of the woodwork if he does run.

obfuscator December 16, 2008 at 3:35 pm

“Don’t worry, Michael, the Hot Cops are professionals. They’ll build the tension and strip at the last possible moment!”

cal December 16, 2008 at 3:45 pm

[re=200272]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Wait a minute. Is “backronym” really a word?

Color me suspicious.

P Drizzle December 16, 2008 at 3:53 pm

[re=200312]obfuscator[/re]: “He just wants to see boys’ Linuses.”

assistant/atlas December 16, 2008 at 4:45 pm

Excuse my confusion, but his blushing bride–when did ‘socialite’ become an occupation?

I thought ‘socialite’ was just the fancy rich person way of saying ‘whore.’

rambone December 16, 2008 at 4:48 pm

“He is a not-awful guy who seems to take it in stride.” I bet he does. I bet he does.

blackdontcrack December 16, 2008 at 4:51 pm

finally, a gay man in the white house! i can vote for that. and by vote, i mean i will vote for obama instead of charlie.

SayItWithWookies December 16, 2008 at 6:08 pm

[re=200293]Voyou Charmant[/re]: Don’t worry, we’re safe from that particular horror. Prez and VP are Constitutionally forbidden from being from the same state. Now if Jeb moves somewhere between now and 2012, it’s a different matter…

Jollity December 16, 2008 at 6:39 pm

[re=200412]assistant/atlas[/re]: “Whore” is more of an occupation than “socialite”, since whores actually do something for their money.

Anyway, we might be saying what a moderate and reasonable Republican Gov. Crist is right now, but people were saying that about John McCain in 2000, and look how he sold out. Then again, look how well that went. But, then again, there are those conservative supporters who hallucinated that McCain didn’t sell out and was in fact far too liberal, which was why he lost. So, expect lulz.

finallyhappy December 16, 2008 at 6:41 pm

[re=200189]Mahousu[/re]: Thank god I am home sick and didn’t try to open this at work. Our brilliant new security software blocks such things as the parking lot information for BWI – so it probably doesn’t block naked butt photos.

finallyhappy December 16, 2008 at 6:42 pm

[re=200272]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: You don’t know?? Hussein, of course.

chaimy4life December 16, 2008 at 9:25 pm

I’ve lived in Florida my whole life. Do you know how crazy we are? The fact that we like Crist should be a major warning sign for the rest of the country.

mcfrady December 16, 2008 at 9:52 pm

I’ll watch Campbell Brown if: 1) Wonkette stops whoring itself out to Time-Warner and removes the two foot long CNN ad promoting her show; and, 2)She does the news in a prone position!

Pop Socket December 16, 2008 at 11:33 pm

[re=200492]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Because Dubya and Cheney had such a hard time getting around that one.

dkissam December 17, 2008 at 7:28 am

Now, see, when a sparkly vampire named Edward refuses to kiss a girl passionately and then shames her when she seems to want more, he sells millions of books and gets a shitty and successful movie made about him. When Crist does it, people take it as further proof that he’s gay. Is this fair?!

FREAKYMUSLIN December 17, 2008 at 11:16 pm

Wait, you mean Charlie Crist isn’t gay? I thought there was a Gay porn Movie coming out called “Passion of the Crist.”

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