Charlie Crist Will Run For President In 2012

  soothsaying

Wonkette's Sexist Man Alive, 2008Here is a bold Internet prediction: the newly off-the-market bronze Floridian frat-mammal Charlie Crist will make a run for the presidency next go-round. After all the work he put into his failed quest for the Republican VP nod this year — everything from endorsing the reanimated corpse of John McCain to asking a lady for her hand in marriage — nobody would have been shocked if he had just quit politics altogether once the odious Sarah Palin stole his spot. But his decision to forge ahead, putting his bachelor life behind him and doing something nice for the Everglades, means just one thing: he plans to position himself as the safe, non-religious-wingnut, environmentally reasonable Republican alternative for 2012.

THINK ABOUT IT, PEOPLES.

  1. He got married to Carole Rome this past weekend even though he totally could have dumped her in September after McCain picked Palin. It was a beautiful and loving wedding, of course: “Crist kissed Rome briefly at the end of the ceremony — perhaps too briefly,” wrote the Orlando Sentinel, hilariously.
  2. He made a crazy big deal with the nation’s largest cane-sugar producer to buy up 187,000 acres in the Everglades. Environmentalists liked it, generally speaking! Of course, the deal will probably help out “Big Sugar,” which means terrible earth-raping Republicans like it too.
  3. He is a not-awful guy who seems to take it in stride when every publication in America calls him gay, and Floridians like him well enough.

Who else is going to run in 2012, Sarah Palin? In four years she will still be a witless narcissist in a trashy red motorcycle jacket; Bobby Jindal will still be a creepy castration fetishist; Mitt Romney will still be a laughable fake robot who socialized healthcare in Taxachusetts; Tom Tancredo will be forcibly Mexicanized; Mike Huckabee will have his own chain of Cracker Barrel-type restaurants and a daytime talk show; and John McCain will be dead. Charlie Crist is really the only option.

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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46 comments

  1. Iggy Plop

    I’m not sure what it means to be forcibly Mexicanized, but if Tancredo is going to be forced to perform in a Tijiuana donkey show for the benefit of a bunch of drunk Anglo frat boys on spring break, I’d like to see that.

  2. mattbolt

    Jeb Bush / Charlie Crist ’12! Florida will rise again! No more moran taxation without moran representation!

  3. jagorev

    So if Crist runs against Obama, would that make Obama the anti-Crist nominee in 2012? OMG NOSTRADAMUS WUZ RIGHT

  4. Serolf Divad

    I HATE these stereotypes, people! Just because a gay politician enters into a sham wedding with a conniving social climber with a taste for Mexican gardeners and Guatemalan pool boys does not mean that he wants to run for higher office! He might just want someone to talk with evenings beside the fireplace. Have you ever though about that?!?!?!

  5. mattbolt

    Excuse me ma’am, I was alerted to your blog post from a freedom-centered libertarian message board I frequent, I believe your Republican Presidential race rundown has ONCE AGAIN ignored a certain noble Texas congressman who is the only REAL REPUBLICAN remaining, I have helpfully attached a 38-page letter to you via electronic mail outlining the accomplishments of DOCTOR CONGRESSMAN RONALD PAUL M.D. and I will make an outraged Youtube vlog if you do not comply with my demands for his inclusion good ma’am thank you good day to you ma’am sir

  6. Borat

    I’d vote for him in 2016 if he removes the shackles of his fraudulent marriage and is true to himself. And if he had great facial hair, I wouldn’t care about his VP pick

  7. SayItWithWookies

    Hmm — competent and moderate? No that won’t do. Won’t do at all. Don’t the Republicans have at least one easily-manipulated witless jackass with folksy flair lying around? Dan Quayle probably qualifies as an elder statesman in that regard now.

  8. Scarab

    Crist,Palin, Jindal, Tancredo, Romney, Huckabee, McCain, you know they’re all mavericks.

    It’s just that Crist is the only one to subscribe to Maverick magazine.

  9. Come here a minute

    [re=200182]Serolf Divad[/re]: If he needs someone to talk with evenings beside the fireplace, how about switching on CNN 8pm weeknights Campbell Brown? (Support your W0nkette sponsors!)

  10. Borat

    [re=200183]mattbolt[/re]: Is it Doctor Congressman? I thought it was Congressman Doctor?

    Or His Excellency Congressman Doctor?

    (of course if you are German with 2 PhDs, Doctor Doctor is acceptable – but I still don’t know if Congressman goes before or after)

  11. freakishlystrong

    And he’s another fiscal Repub genius, the economy down here is shitter than DC will be for the Inauguration.

  12. Cape Clod

    All I know is that if he wins, I’m not watching his crappy holiday videos center around his toy poodle.

  13. lawrenceofthedesert

    The Crist campaign will hinge on whether he can persuade Bruce Vilanch to be his running mate.

  14. angryhippopotamus

    Anybody else kind of feel sorry for the guy? I mean, he’s so deep in the closet he’s talking to mr. Tumnus. We should set up some sort of Charlie Crist, Larry Craig support group. It’s got to be sad not to mention lonely to live like that.

  15. Voyou Charmant

    [re=200172]mattbolt[/re]: The idea of Bush/Crist ’12(Crist is clearly a/the bottom) made my brain explode and I’m now crying blood. That is a truly terrifying possibility.

  16. Doglessliberal

    [re=200189]Mahousu[/re]: man, I’ve never been to a wedding like that! That would be worth going to.

  17. Doglessliberal

    OK, so he and his assassin team are going to root out and kill every guy he ever slept with in his life? Because you know they will come out, so to speak, of the woodwork if he does run.

  18. obfuscator

    “Don’t worry, Michael, the Hot Cops are professionals. They’ll build the tension and strip at the last possible moment!”

  19. assistant/atlas

    Excuse my confusion, but his blushing bride–when did ‘socialite’ become an occupation?

    I thought ‘socialite’ was just the fancy rich person way of saying ‘whore.’

  20. blackdontcrack

    finally, a gay man in the white house! i can vote for that. and by vote, i mean i will vote for obama instead of charlie.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    [re=200293]Voyou Charmant[/re]: Don’t worry, we’re safe from that particular horror. Prez and VP are Constitutionally forbidden from being from the same state. Now if Jeb moves somewhere between now and 2012, it’s a different matter…

  22. Jollity

    [re=200412]assistant/atlas[/re]: “Whore” is more of an occupation than “socialite”, since whores actually do something for their money.

    Anyway, we might be saying what a moderate and reasonable Republican Gov. Crist is right now, but people were saying that about John McCain in 2000, and look how he sold out. Then again, look how well that went. But, then again, there are those conservative supporters who hallucinated that McCain didn’t sell out and was in fact far too liberal, which was why he lost. So, expect lulz.

  23. finallyhappy

    [re=200189]Mahousu[/re]: Thank god I am home sick and didn’t try to open this at work. Our brilliant new security software blocks such things as the parking lot information for BWI – so it probably doesn’t block naked butt photos.

  24. chaimy4life

    I’ve lived in Florida my whole life. Do you know how crazy we are? The fact that we like Crist should be a major warning sign for the rest of the country.

  25. mcfrady

    I’ll watch Campbell Brown if: 1) Wonkette stops whoring itself out to Time-Warner and removes the two foot long CNN ad promoting her show; and, 2)She does the news in a prone position!

  26. Pop Socket

    [re=200492]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Because Dubya and Cheney had such a hard time getting around that one.

  27. dkissam

    Now, see, when a sparkly vampire named Edward refuses to kiss a girl passionately and then shames her when she seems to want more, he sells millions of books and gets a shitty and successful movie made about him. When Crist does it, people take it as further proof that he’s gay. Is this fair?!

  28. FREAKYMUSLIN

    Wait, you mean Charlie Crist isn’t gay? I thought there was a Gay porn Movie coming out called “Passion of the Crist.”

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