The mean cads at the Los Angeles Times recently discovered a crazy person’s letter to the editor in some tiny, rural Utah newspaper and — due to the meanness — decided to travel all the way out to his lair so as to exploit the craziness for a big city feature. Some people in this world, right? And as a result, now we have to write about this poor old man and his hilarious theories about nuclear war, Obama, and the Mormons. Everyone is awful. Let’s get to know the one good man in this world, Leeland Freeborn, a.k.a. the “Parowan Prophet.”
Here is the Prophet’s letter to Utah’s St. George Spectrum, the one that caught the eye of the vulture at the LA Times. It is the fourth letter on this page, but we highly recommend that you read the others, especially the one about students getting lit on fire during school plays.
Readers remember me, also known by millions who have heard me on talk radio stations in the United States, across Canada, Ireland, Australia and Europe warning of World War III. They know me as the “Parowan Prophet.”
I have passed 100,000 hits on my Web site with free survival information. Google has my site listed. Now I think that you should hear what my opinion about the Obama election is: that he will not be the next president.
I said on my home page in August that if he lost, to expect to see the “Riots” that 2 Peter 2:13 tells us about. He didn’t lose. But the story is not finished yet. I still think they may begin the riots before Christmas 2008 as I said.
Some of the news media will say that riots are justified. Now you know how much God is offended and just plain fed-up with our stupid excuses for not keeping all of his commandments in your Bible. Many readers will remember the many letters form me warning people.
Prepare now. We are downwind from Las Vegas. I hope you can survive.
Leland Freeborn
Parowan
Know your source:
It was enough time to sketch out his history — a Mormon of substance, a father of 12, he had crashed his airplane in 1975 and fallen into a three-week coma, during which he went through “to the other side” and emerged a prophet.
Freeborn, now 66, took “a plural wife,” as he put it, and parted ways with the church. He forfeited his wealth, spreading word of his prophecies. He appears to live now mainly on sales of newsletters and survival information packets advertised on his website.
Asked for examples of successful prophecies, he offered O.J. Simpson’s murder acquittal and Al Gore’s winning of the popular vote in 2000. But his core insight has been a repeated dream of seeing nuclear flashes to the west while shopping at a Wal-Mart during Christmas season.
So it’s pretty clear that we will, in fact, get nuked before Christmas.
The LA Times vulture accepted an invitation to one of Leeland’s weekly meetings, where it appeared he was losing potential followers, most likely due to the nonsense that was his entire gospel. And yet, we must praise the vulture for this lovely bit of writing:
The prophet’s eyes reddened, and I could sense his frustration as he sized us up as two more likely nonsubscribers. As he dropped his head in contemplation, it occurred to me: How terrible it must be to believe what this man truly appears to believe, and yet have so few willing to listen.
In the storied history of crazy old coots that this blog has covered, we rarely feel as sympathetic as we do for Leeland “The Parowan Prophet” Freeborn.
In Utah, the Parowan Prophet predicts disaster will prevent Obama from taking office [LAT]
Letters to the Editor [St. George Spectrum]
{ 94 comments }
Nothing brings teh crazy like Mittens’ Utahrdia!
What with the plane crashes, plural wives and old cootness, I’m now convinced this guy is WALNUTS! in disguise. How terrible it is for to believe this, and to have so few willing to listen.
Actually declaring yourself a God-directed prophet is suggestion number three in ‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Publicizing Your Blog’, available at Borders and other fine booksellers.
I thought whatever is downwind from Vegas, stays in Vegas.
I broke down in Parowan once. If I lived there, it would be hard to tell if the nuclear holocaust had happened or not.
Seriously, though, don’t feel sympathy. This cranky old asshole just wants to feel important, and rather then doing it in the normal methods of, say, sports competition, ass-kissing community “service”, facebook semi-nude pics, and familial patriarchy run amok, he twists and pulls at the fears of a bunch of panicky sad people.
He’s a hairy old twat, and deep down, nuclear-tinged Wal-Mart fantasies aside, he knows it.
One of his bits of survival advice: Don’t shop at Wal-mart. Or if you must, look east.
Mmmmmm….prawn prophets.
“A plural wife?” Is that some sneaky way of committing polygamy by maintaining that your multiple wives in fact constitute a single sub-human? Is the commandment allowing for ‘plural wives’ one of those that supposedly did not make it into the Bible?
Also: “Google has my site listed”? Um, GOOD FOR YOU?!?!?
Folks you may joke all you want and make snide comments what with with your high-falutin’ over-educated man’s reliance on reason and logic and your arrogance and all, but his site is listed on Google.
“Google has my site listed”
Best line since Ted Stevens’ internet/tubes statement.
Personally, I want to be down-wind of anyone taking 100,000 hits. Oh, this isn’t the legalize pot article, is it. Sorry.
If he lives in Utah and sees nuclear flashback to the west, that means Los Angeles will be nuked before Christmas; extended Holiday break!!1!
And behold, the eight-headed bitch-goddess shall rain fire on the sodomites and turn the skin of the unbelievers black as night. And you shall know the name Campbell Brown and fear the terrible righteous anger of her virtue.
Why the photo of Santa with his Naughty/Nice list?
Predictions:
1. Barack HUSSAIN Obama will bring Osama Bin Laden to be Secretary of Homeland Security.
2. The Cubs will never win the World Series.
3. Giant robotic monsters will devour our young.
4. My fax machine will start whispering sweet nothings into my ear.
5. Hansel will be charged with beating up Grendel.
JUS’ WATCH CUZ I PREDICKTID AN OBAMA WIN.
[re=199336]Serolf Divad[/re]: And a fairly heavy-duty dot-matrix printer, by the looks of that photo.
Not that I’m worried — Obama’s may not become president, but that just means he’ll crown himself Emperor of Hopetacula instead. That’s serfdom I can believe in.
What exactly did the Prophet predict about the 2000 election? Cause I could see him getting credit for a correct answer either way.
[re=199347]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: My fax machine will start whispering sweet nothings into my ear.
Start?
I’m pretty sure this is all a viral ad campaign for Levi’s 501 jeans.
Ooooh. His website features this savory .gif:
http://www.parowanprophet.com/images/nuke.gif
[re=199351]WadISay[/re]: Notice that on his two “correct” predictions, the OJ acquittal and the Gore win, both were essentially 50/50 propositions. Either OJ was convicted or not, either Gore won the popular vote or not.
Maybe it’s just because I grew up in Utah, but I want to punch this old fraud in the throat, Santa beard or not.
A little too close to home, I guess.
The best thing about the internet is that you can always spot the loons from their awful web site graphics.
One man’s crazy old coot is another’s psychotic, felonious whackjob. SEriously, get out the butterfly net, and bag this guy and the other 20% of Utah that are just like him. Or, you know, fence in the state. Â Â That would work for me, too.
Oh I can’t wait for Big Love to start again in January!
“They will be paid back with harm for the harm they have done. Their idea of pleasure is to carouse in broad daylight. They are blots and blemishes, reveling in their pleasures while they feast with you.” -2 Peter 2:13 (NIV)
So this would have been Election Day, were it not for WALNUTS’s ineptitude? Doesn’t sound so bad. Funny how words like “riot” change their meaning over the last 400 years or so.
He prophesied to me just last week. He told me that there would be a website, and on the website would be some hot chick just starring me down. And in the second week and the first waning crescent moon, this chick from the website could come knocking on my door, and we would consummate our relationship, and nine months later, she would begat a child. and the birth of that child would rush in a new era of fat guy who do hot news anchors.
I was more into the letter about building tent prisons:
“Most of the arrests are misdemeanors, such as driving under the influence, without proof of insurance, driving on a denied or suspended license, revoked drivers licence, heroin possession, driving under the influence of alcohol, possession of cocaine, outstanding warrants, driving on expired registration, charges for outstanding warrants, no proof of insurance, driving with previous owners plates.”
First, this sounds like the sort of repeating rambling rant I would post in Joe the Blog, so I might be a prophet myself.
Second, heroin possession is a crime? I can see locking up those people who have the previous owners plates, but herion? Come on, leave a guy alone
So surprisin’ cuz he LOOKS so sane…whodda thought…
Anagram: Parowan = A Wrap-on. Keeps your plural genital safe from the radiations.
Somewhere at Utah State University there is a freshman with purple-dyed hair, getting drunk and laid constantly because this is her grandfather.
[re=199352]NoWireHangers[/re]: Aw, hangers, don’t be hating on shorts. He’s really much more normal outside this web site.
(Was I able to keep a straight face saying that?)
But seriously, I’d trust shorts’ prophesies before this guy’s.
Maybe the LAT wouldn’t be bankrupt if they stopped publishing in scroll format.
But his core insight has been a repeated dream of seeing nuclear flashes to the west while shopping at a Wal-Mart during Christmas season.
No, no, Leland, those are just the horrifically bright disorienting lights that every Wal-Mart store has to bewilder its shoppers into impulse buying…
He’s got multiple wives, and if you pay him, he’ll tell you where the a-bombs are going to fall. How is he different from some manslut who works at the Rand Corporation?
[re=199370]Gopherit[/re]: I AM NOT. YOU TAKE THAT BACK.
I liked the letter ranting about lawyers: “the next president is a lawyer, and the Supreme Court members are all lawyers.”
Aha! I knew there was something fishy about that court!
“Google has my site listed.” Al Franken you mock Coulter by pointing out that her column was currently available “on the prestigious internet.”
[re=199371]StephanieInCA[/re]: You can’t be a prophet without fucking scrolls. Or tablets. Whatever–it’s all right there in the fucking Bible.
Are his prophecies US-specific because, you know, there are riots going on across Europe. Maybe he just got his geography wrong.
[re=199370]Gopherit[/re]: See, I’d vouch for that, but the bastard stood me up.
Scarab: No, the granddaughter definitely goes to Brigham Young University, where no one’s getting drunk or laid.
[re=199371]StephanieInCA[/re]: It seemed to work for Kerouac.
Oops. Almost forgot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmyS1EEVFbs
In a kinder, gentler world this dude would be helping the elves with their last minute toy-making….and not predicting a holocaust.
[re=199390]LolCas[/re]: Drunk, no. Laid?
In the immortal words of Adam Ant, “Don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do?”.
Spence: I got kicked out of that joint when I was 12. There’s nothing fun happening there, and if there is, it’s immediately detected and punished.
Seems to me he’s a lot like Dick Cheney.
He kind of reminds me of a hillbilly C. Everett Koop.
[re=199372]Neon Trotsky[/re]: This core insight led me to write an article about this insightful man, and now I am going to write a insightful book about him.
[re=199379]edgydrifter[/re]: Google = scrolls?
[re=199389]tunamelt[/re]: Bittertuna.
I thought I saw a nuclear flash while looking west at Wal-Mart once, but it was just a shopper in neon bike shorts bending over to get the last Tickle Me Elmo. It still felt like my skin melted off.
[re=199334]GIJoeIce[/re]: I only want to say, thank you GIJoeIce for reminding me of what is perhaps the height of ‘funny vid’ culture: The Fenslerfilm PSAs…
I spent a weekend in college in St. George, trying to find booze. I’m only surprised there aren’t more crazy coots spouting gibberish there.
[re=199379]edgydrifter[/re]: Where can i get a copy of this “Fucking Bible” of which you speak? Sounds like the perfect xmas gift for the whole family.
[re=199366]Borat[/re]: I’m just amazed that you can find alcohol – let alone heroin – in Saint George.
if i could have plural wives, two of the first six would be lara logan and campbell brown. no bias. no bull.
[re=199449]StephanieInCA[/re]: I steal mine from hourly-rate motels on the outskirts of town. They smell funny, but they’re a good read.
Ahhh Utah, the rubber room of the world.
A thermonuclear detonation to the West? Might be the dastardly real estate plans of Lex Luthor.
Those nuclear flashes were just on the back of copies of Fallout 3.
I call bullshit. That’s Harry Shearer, preparing for his role in A Mighty Wind.
When I’m grown up I hope I will have wealth and fame, honour and renown. I hope Google will list my site.
Ahhh!!! Thanks for pointing this out!
I grew up in St. George, and used to help my brother deliver The Spectrum (we called it The Rectum) to our neighbors, for $1.78/hour.
I’m glad Wonkette has stumbled across one of my favorite pastimes–keeping in touch with folks back home by reading the Letters to the Editor. Check out this gem, from the same page:
“Lawyers are currently running this country, and have they ever made a mess. They hold 80 percent of the seats in Congress, the next president is a lawyer, and the Supreme Court members are all lawyers.”
Did you hear that? THE SUPREME COURT MEMBERS ARE ALL LAWYERS!!! Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stream KDXU sometime, for a real good time. I can still remember their spending the 5 weeks before the 2000 election railing against the electoral college, because for some reason they assumed Gore would win, but Bush would win the popular vote. I’m not kidding…St. George wingnuts spent every day for five weeks talking about the horrible travesty that would be “overriding the popular vote because of the antiquated electoral college.” The stumbling that followed afterwards was priceless.
KDXU listeners also love to talk about fluoride, the metal strips in $100 bills (gov’t surveillance by satellite to see how much money you’re stashing in your mattress), the secret code words embedded in stop signs (so the invading US Army tanks could detect, via laser beam, the plan of attack for crushing St. George ala 1956 Budapest), and a guy named Bo Gritz.
If you know the meaning of the phrase God, Guns, Gritz, I will love you forever.
OK I’m not very funny and this is long, so I’m likely going to be banned by Wonkette forever. But I had to chuckle because I’m originally from Utah’s Dixie…
Campbell Brown:
No Bias. No Bull. No Bra?
[re=199369]Scarab[/re]: WIN
i have been lit on fire in a production of ‘the duchess of malfi’.
i assure you, this is worthy of a letter to the editor.
[re=199366]Borat[/re]: even better with the full paragraph:
Every day when I read The Spectrum under the arrests section, it is apparent that many of these arrests are the same person. Most of the arrests are misdemeanors, such as driving under the influence, without proof of insurance, driving on a denied or suspended license, revoked drivers licence, heroin possession, driving under the influence of alcohol, possession of cocaine, outstanding warrants, driving on expired registration, charges for outstanding warrants, no proof of insurance, driving with previous owners plates.
see, it’s all just the one guy doing all that crap. man, that dude can multitask!
His plural wife and his pluperfect subjunctive kids.
\ Wonder if he’s related to the guy who owns the Okie Dokie Bait Shop up the road. Similar theories, but our guy owns more Louie L’Amour books.
If only the LA Times would continue to go with more crazy Utah prophet stories, they wouldn’t be all, like, bankrupt or whatever. I swear, though, if the economy gets much worse, I’m starting a church. I’m thinking about “The Church of Jeebus for Smart People” or “The Bible Church of People Who Realize It’s a 2000-Year-Old Book Rewritten Multiple Times By Various People, Including Some Idiots.”
Maybe I should just start with a sci-fi novel….
And I thought they all lived in Okrafuckinghoma, where predictions of the Christian/Muslim terrorist non-citizen communist have devolved into simple racist jokes. Retards.
Someone throw a shoe at the old fart. You know, that’s the perfect valediction for most everything I think is foolish. Just throw a fucking shoe at him/her/it, will you?
RSVP,
Orrin Hatch
I believe I poop gummy bears and fart cotton candy. How terrible it is to believe this, and to have so few willing to listen.
I can haz alt-text?
Spend enough time in Utah and this guy starts to make sense, it’s the ephedra in the water. Why do you think it’s called Mormon tea?
[re=199503]N8Ma[/re]: This will be trivial to some, I know. The Constitution was signed by landowners, bankers and merchants. The Bill of Rights was drafted by lawyers.
[re=199362]randomsausage[/re]: Yeah, me too. Love that Big Love.
Also, this kind of reporting shouldn’t be anywhere but the National Enquirer.
Romney/Freeborn 2012: The Suit with the Loot and the Wacky Old Coot.
Google lists his site!
OMG … It’s web page layout GONE WILD!!
http://www.parowanprophet.com/updates_today_please_read_carefu.htm
Another Bushie bite the dust.
[re=199327]Scarab[/re]: Surely you realize that prophet (and profits) are a shekel a dozen? Check out http://www.overcomerministry.org for the prophet of prophets!
Zhu Bajie
[re=199327]Scarab[/re]: Surely you realize that prophets (and profits) are a shekel a dozen? Check out http://www.overcomerministry.org for the prophet of prophets!
Zhu Bajie
The other letters were just as good or even better. I request a regular feature dredging up the best letters to the editor from small town red state newspapers.
[re=199503]N8Ma[/re]: I’ll bet you’ve listened to a lot of US shortwave radio!
Zhu Bajie
Listen up, scary old man. Step one for taken seriously being: it’s PADowan. Step two: if you’re still a Padowan at your age, the Force is not with you.
Parowan. Geesh, like that’s a real city. I wonder if he’s ever been to Renver or Retroit?
Well thank you, Nostrildamus.
Wow. Living mainly on “sales of newsletters and survival information packets.” Some people live off the grid, and some live in a perpendicular plane of reality.
Cue the love theme from Deliverance!
I like how his credentials are how many hits he gets on his website! While people are looking for porn?
How Many Hits Would Jesus Get? (HMHWJG) Bracelets and necklaces available for $29.99 each. Plus shipping.
[re=199649]coolcatdaddy[/re]: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggg!
Wow, ok, better now…just had an epliptic fit after looking at that page. Oh, and what’s the deal with the guy with a shotgun, standing by dead santa and reindeer? Can Wonkette please steal that jpg and start using it on all war on xmas stories?
See, shopping at WalMart will do that–make you feel like the end of the world has come.
Yeah check out the guy’s website for more fun. The Mormons have more than their share of crazy loners like this. Might suggest something that if your religion is prone to spinning off wacky old loners, there might be some problems in the core system too.
IN other letter to the editor news, what’s up with fire in amateur theatre productions in Utah? Maybe THEY need help from Paduwan Prophets.
Well, it is true that WalMarts is a dangerous place around the holidays…
And shortsshortsshorts, I hope the MET puts on Hansel and Grendel for the holiday matinees next year. That will give the little ones something to think about.
only 8 more nuking days til Christmas!
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