Barack Obama Loves Trains SO MUCH

  railway fetishists

Our first train-hoppin' hobo presidentThe fiendishly clever President-elect will be taking a train to Washington the week before his inauguration because he caught a whiff of the shit-storm that greets any well-known figure who dares to ride an airplane into our nation’s capital. Barry said, “No thanks, I will just kick it on the train with my good friend the Amtrak whore Joe Biden,” and VOILA, our nation’s railways were saved forever from bankruptcy and neglect.

Obama will start out in Philadelphia and then go on to Wilmington, Delaware, the noble ancestral home of the Scrantonese pop star Joe Biden. Obama, Biden, and their families will continue onward to Baltimore before arriving, 15 hours later, on a standing-room-only train full of angry commuters and the stink of stale urine, in lovely Washington, DC. Everyone will curse the President-elect for making their train so late.

Obama to arrive in Washington by train [AP]

Related

Related video

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

79 comments

  1. norbizness

    Can somebody e-mail me when the background graphic is finally scrapped so I can come and visit Wonkette again without the attendant nausea?

  2. NoWireHangers

    I feel bad for Malia and Sasha. Parents always lie to you that train rides are “fun” and “exciting” and maybe they are for 5 minutes, but not for the many hours it takes to actually get anywhere. Mainly, train rides are just boring and suck when you’re young. However, since they’re so cute and famous maybe the Obama daughters get to meet “the conductor” or some shit.

  3. Woodwards Friend

    If I promise to ride a train once in a while can Barry get Campbell Brown to stop staring at me with her children of the corn eyes. Seriously, I’m about to go to Free Republic because it might be less scarey.

  4. Min

    I hope the train will be pulled by the Little Engine That Could.

    “I think I can! I think I can!”
    “Yes, we can! “Yes, we can!”

    The parallels. They astound.

  5. actor212

    [re=198643]NoWireHangers[/re]: What they didn’t tell you is the train will be pulled by Thomas The Tank Engine, just as soon as the Secret Service clears him.

    There was that unfortunate incident with the cow catcher and the couple on the tracks near Wigan…

  6. mattbolt

    Just a small-town Veep
    Livin’ like a lonely creep
    He took the Amtrak train goin’ aaanywheeere

    Just a black half-breed
    Born and raised in Hawaii’d
    He took the Amtrak train goin’ aaanywheeere

  7. Capitol Hillbilly

    A. Philip Randolph would approve.

    and quit hating on the advertisement. these folks need to get paid.

  8. BarthexDeRosa

    The smell of stale urine is infinitely preferable to the mountains of raw sewage that will be lining the Mall, from the 4-million-strong hobo encampment.

  9. monty

    holy shit, by my calculations campbell brown is using 40% of your real estate i hope you got your money upfront

  10. Neon Trotsky

    Does this mean we’ll get super sweet maglev trains connecting America (and the World!) like all of those LaRouche pamphlets promised?

  11. mattbolt

    [re=198655]actor212[/re]: Go figure, Obama’s outsourcing good American jobs like “anthropomorphic train” to British foreigners

  12. Mongo

    [re=198652]elburrito[/re]: Well, there you go. He took a train.
    Any more proof that he isn’t a real American needed?

  13. Darehead

    [re=198649]Woodwards Friend[/re]: We survived Ira Glass and American Apparel. We shall overcome Campbell’s Snoop!

  14. AngryBlakGuy

    …what? I is flying on a crowded airplane with a shrieking 4 year old kicking your seat back not good enough for Obama?! Elitist!

  15. tacdab

    So, seriously, CNN partnering with Wonkette? Who’s the whore and who’s the loser here? I… I just can’t tell. And why does Campbell Brown always wear so much clothing? That’s a sin. Not that I’m biased.

  16. WadISay

    I suppose he could drive a hybred to DC. Or perhaps he would call it a mutt.

    [re=198659]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Exactly, somebody has to pay for the Wonkette limos and golden parachutes. It could be so much worse; it could be Candy Crowley.

  17. Slartibartfast2001

    Ple[re=198678]Rush[/re]:

    Please make her stop.

    Its like 1984, not the year of bad metal, but the book with the eyes following you everywhere.

  18. Clean for Gene

    Barry is following in the tradition of President-elect Abe Lincoln who took the train to DC in late February, 1861 arriving at dawn. Unlike Lincoln, Barry will not arrive unannounced.

  19. ManchuCandidate

    [re=198682]WadISay[/re]:
    Ah the voice of reason.

    That being said, I’m just glad that CB is a straight up pic and not an animation. I don’t know how many starbursts and epileptic fits I’d have if she flash winked at me continuously.

  20. CrazyDrumGuy

    Hey, editorial people! Are you aware that your frakking website has a giant Campbell Brown going all the way down the right side of the page that won’t go away no matter how hard you scroll?? Graaaahahhh!

  21. Clean for Gene

    Barry is following in the footsteps of President-elect Abe Lincoln who arrived in DC by train at dawn on Feb. 1861. Unlike Abe, Barry’s arrival in not be unannounced.

  22. p-Sludge ofTheElves

    [re=198697]CrazyDrumGuy[/re]: If you accept her into your heart, only then will you be saved. This is what I’ve finally come to accept.

  23. SayItWithWookies

    If you want to see America’s junkyards, secondhand furniture shops and backyards of unemployed factory workers, I can think of no better medium than the Amtrak from Philly to DC. I kinda wish every elected official took the train more often instead of traveling around in blacked-out SUVs or airplanes.

  24. jagorev

    Fantastic. If this administration can push for high-speed rail, I’ll be ready to forgive the fact that he’s a HALF-BREED MUSLIN

  25. p-Sludge ofTheElves

    [re=198702]Hart88[/re]: You haven’t been staring long enough. She’s 3D.
    [re=198702]ManchuCandidate[/re]: And animated. What’s that CB? She also wants me to tell you that soon the unbelievers will be vanquished, and there will be 1000 years of CNN-mitigated peace.

  26. problemwithcaring

    Campbell Brown does sound like the name of a nice old railroad…hmm, sorry what? I’m still hungover on the rainy West Coast. Excuse me, I am going to go wake-up a little more over at the Shoe Throwing game…

  27. The Station Manager

    Damn, and I thought there was too much CAMPBELL BROWN!!!!! before. I think she’s burnt into my retinas now.

  28. Gopherit

    Christ, so George Bush could potentially be president for a couple extra hours if this Amtrak hits deer, too? Grrrr. Where are my shoes……

  29. Lascauxcaveman

    Those of you who are bitching about the full-length Campbell must not have been around when Wonkette had that other ‘skin’ or background ad; the horrible pink monstrosity for some sexy/weird movie that likely failed utterly at the B.O.? I can’t remember what it was called; but god, that ad was disturbing and aesthetically offensive.

    And that Campbell? She just one damn good looking broad. I guess she has a teevee show or something?

    [re=198680]tacdab[/re]: But you’re right, they should upgrade to Campbell Brown, Bikini Edition.

  30. Clancy_Pants

    Campbell Brown loves trains too:

    Im a back door man, Im a back door man
    The men dont know, but Campbell Brown understands

    Hey, all you people that tryin to sleep
    Im out to make it with my midnight dream, yeah
    cause Im a back door man, the men dont know
    But Campbell Brown understands

    You men eat your dinner, eat your pork and beans
    I eat more chicken, than any man ever seen

    Im a back door man, wha, the men dont know
    But Campbell Brown understands

    Well, Im a back door man
    Im a back door man
    Whoa, baby, Im a back door man
    The men dont know
    But Campbell Brown understandss

  31. qwerty42

    [re=198704]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Philly to DC??? If you want to get an idea of what Germany looked like after the war, take the train from NYC to Philly. I sat at the bar and saw large factories that looked to be in ruins (multiple storied buildings with every window broken out). Gotta admit, it does encourage the drinking. Since this is what is in the future for us, folks might want to take a look now so they’ll stock up on old oil drums and moth-eaten military overcoats from 50 yrs ago. Might also want to develop a taste for grilled rat.

  32. Gopherit

    [re=198682]WadISay[/re]: There’s not enough screen real estate for a Crowley. You could maybe do a .7 crowley before the comments would have to go away completely.

    I can take Campbell Brown, fair editors….just please no Blitzer.

  33. daisy chain

    [re=198643]NoWireHangers[/re]: Um, everyone gets to meet the conductor. That’s the jerk who throws you off the train when he finds out you don’t actually have a ticket.

  34. superfecta

    This is awesome. Hopey took the train all across PA during the primaries, and my 3-year-old asks every time we go past the station where we saw him speak if ‘Obama’s train is coming back soon.’ Now I can say he is!

  35. smoke5032

    The man is carrying this Lincoln homage to extremes – first he makes his strongest (previously thought unbeatable)opponent for the nomination his Secretary of State (Seward/Clinton)and now he is taking that train trip from Illinois to the inauguration and stopping in Baltimore for the ceremony that Lincoln had to miss when he was forced to press on to Washington to avoid the mob. Hopey is either showcasing the results of Lincoln’s work 140+ years later, or he’s really rubbing it in to the crackers – I hope the latter.

  36. OffTheRecord

    [re=198659]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Seriously. I want my wonkette editors well paid and snarky. I don’t care what they put on here as long as I am kept up to date on the latest buttsecks news. Plus, I just put a post-it over Campbell’s face. Which is now blocking half of the comment box. OMG what am I saying? I can’t see what I am saying!

  37. bfstevie

    It’s not the we mind Campbell Brown. But equal time for us gay homosexuals mandates that tomorrow she be replaced by Anderson Cooper in a speedo. Or, if they can arrange a guest appearance, Tucker Carlson in nothing but a dog collar and assless chaps. Oh, and don’t forget to ride trains.

  38. sati demise

    [re=198693]Clean for Gene[/re]: Lincoln had to bypass Baltimore because they were plannin’ to assassinate him right there on the spot after crossing the Mason Dixon line. This new train itinerary gave him a couple more years of teh sweet life.

  39. Mr Blifil

    Sounds totally safe from a security standpoint. When will they be distributing the train schedule? Or will the Secret Service assign decoy trains pulling in at various intervals before and after the Obama Nation Express.

  40. SayItWithWookies

    [re=198723]qwerty42[/re]: Oh crap, you’re right. One of the scariest 30 minutes of my life was spent at the Newark station, looking out over burned-out garages ringed with barbed wire, wondering when the conductor was gonna shut the frickin’ doors and get us the hell out of there.

  41. shortsshortsshorts

    Hahaha Campbell Brown is so insanely unpopular that there is a fucking commenter mutiny going on. Poor Campbell :(.

    She haz a sad.

  42. actor212

    I see an Emperor of the North remake, with Barack Obama taking the role of Lee Marvin and Campbell Brown substituting in for Ernest Borgnine.

  43. Borat

    Philly-DC is usually not problematic. I notice he isn’t traveling from Chicago to DC which would probably take like 2 weeks.

  44. Monsieur Grumpe'

    [re=198660]BarthexDeRosa[/re]:
    Whenever I ride the Amtrak I bring a bottle of wine and a bag of urinal cakes which I put in circle around my seat. I get to sit alone, get a buzz from the fumes and wine and leave the train smelling like a clean urinal.

  45. qwerty42

    [re=198753]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Not the same as riding on the TGV up the Rhône. OTOH, the Virginia section (on the Crescent) was nice looking. The train was faster in NJ and PA however, because the roadbed is better; south of DC passenger and freight traffic share the rails. It is a main line for Norfolk-Southern.

  46. sati demise

    [re=198797]S.Luggo[/re]: yea, but he should use an electric bike: ultramotor A2B… now thats new tech.

  47. BadMFer

    I’m about to shut the door of my office and pleasure myself…Campbell is way too hot, and her eyes are telling she want’s it.

  48. stopmebeforeitypeagain

    Get that goddamn ad out of here. The guy at the next table at Starbucks has some kind of viscous substance all over his laptop keyboard, and I’m betting it’s not white-out.

  49. oy vey

    “…and the sons of pullman porters, and the sons of engineers, ride their father’s magic carpet made of steel. ”

    on second thought, the heck with the high road…all I want to see is Campbell…full length and nude.

  50. finallyhappy

    [re=198723]qwerty42[/re]: Aberdeen. I demand he stop and eat at the Ideal Diner. Of course, it will probably be his own train and he won’t have to stop. Plus he probably won’t have to sit with some guy who smells like cheap alcohol- but maybe that was a Dc/NY bus.

  51. qwerty42

    [re=199025]finallyhappy[/re]: Maryland? Altho as i recall, the station in Balto wasn’t exactly tea and crumpets. Well, not up to Newark’s standards, but …

  52. populucious

    Well if Barry’s Amtrak experience is anything like a Pacific Northwest Amtrak expereince, he will show up at the station, luggage and shiny train ticket in hand, and they will say Oh, yes, you can stand in line for the bus over there. He will say “WTF?”, and they will say “well, we don’t have any trains scheduled for today, your ticket is for a luxury busmobile ride”.

    Arguments may ensue regarding the logic wormhole that is created when a person, wanting to take a lovely scenic train ride, goes on to the “Amtrak” TRAIN website and purchases a TRAIN ticket, expecting that when they arrive at the station a TRAIN will be there to take them to their destination, shows up and finds a BUS, which is not a TRAIN, waiting for them instead. The Amtrak staff will be unhelpful in clearing up this dilemma, but rest assured, budget cuts are the problem and congress giving them more money is the solution.

    Following this to its logical conclusion, Barry will be stuck on the Amtrak bus somewhere between Harrisburg and Annapolis and will, unfortuantely, miss the inauguration.

  53. DangerousLiberal

    [re=198659]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: They need to get what….

    Oh, paid. I thought you said….fuck, I need trifocals now.

  54. DangerousLiberal

    [re=198723]qwerty42[/re]: How bad can it be? Lincoln had to sneak into town in the dark of night in 1861, and hustle incognito from the train to the White House. Major security problems (Maryland hated him, etc.).

    Actually, the Newark station is OK. And they used to have a yummy pizza place there. Ahh, the good old days (the late 1980s). I hope the pizza is still there.

Comments are closed.