RAILWAY FETISHISTS  11:20 am December 15, 2008

Barack Obama Loves Trains SO MUCH

by Sara K. Smith

Our first train-hoppin' hobo presidentThe fiendishly clever President-elect will be taking a train to Washington the week before his inauguration because he caught a whiff of the shit-storm that greets any well-known figure who dares to ride an airplane into our nation’s capital. Barry said, “No thanks, I will just kick it on the train with my good friend the Amtrak whore Joe Biden,” and VOILA, our nation’s railways were saved forever from bankruptcy and neglect.

Obama will start out in Philadelphia and then go on to Wilmington, Delaware, the noble ancestral home of the Scrantonese pop star Joe Biden. Obama, Biden, and their families will continue onward to Baltimore before arriving, 15 hours later, on a standing-room-only train full of angry commuters and the stink of stale urine, in lovely Washington, DC. Everyone will curse the President-elect for making their train so late.

Obama to arrive in Washington by train [AP]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 79 comments }

actor212 December 15, 2008 at 11:24 am

There’s probably a Stepin Fetchit joke to be made here, but I can’t quite put my finger on one.

norbizness December 15, 2008 at 11:25 am

Can somebody e-mail me when the background graphic is finally scrapped so I can come and visit Wonkette again without the attendant nausea?

NoWireHangers December 15, 2008 at 11:25 am

I feel bad for Malia and Sasha. Parents always lie to you that train rides are “fun” and “exciting” and maybe they are for 5 minutes, but not for the many hours it takes to actually get anywhere. Mainly, train rides are just boring and suck when you’re young. However, since they’re so cute and famous maybe the Obama daughters get to meet “the conductor” or some shit.

Darehead December 15, 2008 at 11:27 am

They said he had no experience. But he sure trains well.

Woodwards Friend December 15, 2008 at 11:27 am

If I promise to ride a train once in a while can Barry get Campbell Brown to stop staring at me with her children of the corn eyes. Seriously, I’m about to go to Free Republic because it might be less scarey.

Min December 15, 2008 at 11:29 am

I hope the train will be pulled by the Little Engine That Could.

“I think I can! I think I can!”
“Yes, we can! “Yes, we can!”

The parallels. They astound.

elburrito December 15, 2008 at 11:29 am

He won’t fly because TSA is wise to his phony “birth certificate” when he tries to board.

actor212 December 15, 2008 at 11:31 am

[re=198643]NoWireHangers[/re]: What they didn’t tell you is the train will be pulled by Thomas The Tank Engine, just as soon as the Secret Service clears him.

There was that unfortunate incident with the cow catcher and the couple on the tracks near Wigan…

mattbolt December 15, 2008 at 11:32 am

Just a small-town Veep
Livin’ like a lonely creep
He took the Amtrak train goin’ aaanywheeere

Just a black half-breed
Born and raised in Hawaii’d
He took the Amtrak train goin’ aaanywheeere

Capitol Hillbilly December 15, 2008 at 11:32 am

A. Philip Randolph would approve.

and quit hating on the advertisement. these folks need to get paid.

BarthexDeRosa December 15, 2008 at 11:33 am

The smell of stale urine is infinitely preferable to the mountains of raw sewage that will be lining the Mall, from the 4-million-strong hobo encampment.

monty December 15, 2008 at 11:34 am

holy shit, by my calculations campbell brown is using 40% of your real estate i hope you got your money upfront

Neon Trotsky December 15, 2008 at 11:34 am

Does this mean we’ll get super sweet maglev trains connecting America (and the World!) like all of those LaRouche pamphlets promised?

Sussemilch December 15, 2008 at 11:34 am
mattbolt December 15, 2008 at 11:35 am

[re=198655]actor212[/re]: Go figure, Obama’s outsourcing good American jobs like “anthropomorphic train” to British foreigners

Mongo December 15, 2008 at 11:35 am

[re=198652]elburrito[/re]: Well, there you go. He took a train.
Any more proof that he isn’t a real American needed?

Neon Trotsky December 15, 2008 at 11:36 am

Also, Campbell Brown’s face resembling Michael Jackson’s? Discuss.

Darehead December 15, 2008 at 11:37 am

[re=198649]Woodwards Friend[/re]: We survived Ira Glass and American Apparel. We shall overcome Campbell’s Snoop!

AngryBlakGuy December 15, 2008 at 11:38 am

…what? I is flying on a crowded airplane with a shrieking 4 year old kicking your seat back not good enough for Obama?! Elitist!

bonghitsforjesus December 15, 2008 at 11:38 am

[re=198657]mattbolt[/re]: I love you.

loganmo December 15, 2008 at 11:39 am

[re=198664]Sussemilch[/re]:

I didn’t know geocities still existed!

Rush December 15, 2008 at 11:42 am

How do I make Campbell go away????

ManchuCandidate December 15, 2008 at 11:42 am

Barry taking the train is better Bush than running a train (on US America.)

tacdab December 15, 2008 at 11:44 am

So, seriously, CNN partnering with Wonkette? Who’s the whore and who’s the loser here? I… I just can’t tell. And why does Campbell Brown always wear so much clothing? That’s a sin. Not that I’m biased.

qwerty42 December 15, 2008 at 11:44 am

here we are, you can make speeches from the platform.

WadISay December 15, 2008 at 11:44 am

I suppose he could drive a hybred to DC. Or perhaps he would call it a mutt.

[re=198659]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Exactly, somebody has to pay for the Wonkette limos and golden parachutes. It could be so much worse; it could be Candy Crowley.

Slartibartfast2001 December 15, 2008 at 11:45 am

Ple[re=198678]Rush[/re]:

Please make her stop.

Its like 1984, not the year of bad metal, but the book with the eyes following you everywhere.

qwerty42 December 15, 2008 at 11:45 am

Here we are. You can make speeches from the platform.

actor212 December 15, 2008 at 11:46 am

[re=198666]mattbolt[/re]: Actually, it’s more like illegal immigration…

Slartibartfast2001 December 15, 2008 at 11:46 am

Cambell!!!

actor212 December 15, 2008 at 11:46 am

[re=198678]Rush[/re]: Give her to me?

Clean for Gene December 15, 2008 at 11:47 am

Barry is following in the tradition of President-elect Abe Lincoln who took the train to DC in late February, 1861 arriving at dawn. Unlike Lincoln, Barry will not arrive unannounced.

ManchuCandidate December 15, 2008 at 11:48 am

[re=198682]WadISay[/re]:
Ah the voice of reason.

That being said, I’m just glad that CB is a straight up pic and not an animation. I don’t know how many starbursts and epileptic fits I’d have if she flash winked at me continuously.

CrazyDrumGuy December 15, 2008 at 11:49 am

Hey, editorial people! Are you aware that your frakking website has a giant Campbell Brown going all the way down the right side of the page that won’t go away no matter how hard you scroll?? Graaaahahhh!

Clean for Gene December 15, 2008 at 11:49 am

Barry is following in the footsteps of President-elect Abe Lincoln who arrived in DC by train at dawn on Feb. 1861. Unlike Abe, Barry’s arrival in not be unannounced.

p-Sludge ofTheElves December 15, 2008 at 11:52 am

Will Obama/Biden be protected by Jim West and Artemus Gordon?

Hart88 December 15, 2008 at 11:52 am

Is Campbell really that flat?

p-Sludge ofTheElves December 15, 2008 at 11:53 am

[re=198697]CrazyDrumGuy[/re]: If you accept her into your heart, only then will you be saved. This is what I’ve finally come to accept.

SayItWithWookies December 15, 2008 at 11:54 am

If you want to see America’s junkyards, secondhand furniture shops and backyards of unemployed factory workers, I can think of no better medium than the Amtrak from Philly to DC. I kinda wish every elected official took the train more often instead of traveling around in blacked-out SUVs or airplanes.

jagorev December 15, 2008 at 11:54 am

Fantastic. If this administration can push for high-speed rail, I’ll be ready to forgive the fact that he’s a HALF-BREED MUSLIN

oy vey December 15, 2008 at 11:56 am

perhaps more importantly…can we see the bottom half of Campbell Brown?

p-Sludge ofTheElves December 15, 2008 at 11:57 am

[re=198702]Hart88[/re]: You haven’t been staring long enough. She’s 3D.
[re=198702]ManchuCandidate[/re]: And animated. What’s that CB? She also wants me to tell you that soon the unbelievers will be vanquished, and there will be 1000 years of CNN-mitigated peace.

StephanieInCA December 15, 2008 at 11:58 am

Giant, terrifying Campbell Brown sez “bring me a baby to eat.”

problemwithcaring December 15, 2008 at 12:00 pm

Campbell Brown does sound like the name of a nice old railroad…hmm, sorry what? I’m still hungover on the rainy West Coast. Excuse me, I am going to go wake-up a little more over at the Shoe Throwing game…

The Station Manager December 15, 2008 at 12:01 pm

Damn, and I thought there was too much CAMPBELL BROWN!!!!! before. I think she’s burnt into my retinas now.

Gopherit December 15, 2008 at 12:02 pm

Christ, so George Bush could potentially be president for a couple extra hours if this Amtrak hits deer, too? Grrrr. Where are my shoes……

Lascauxcaveman December 15, 2008 at 12:04 pm

Those of you who are bitching about the full-length Campbell must not have been around when Wonkette had that other ‘skin’ or background ad; the horrible pink monstrosity for some sexy/weird movie that likely failed utterly at the B.O.? I can’t remember what it was called; but god, that ad was disturbing and aesthetically offensive.

And that Campbell? She just one damn good looking broad. I guess she has a teevee show or something?

[re=198680]tacdab[/re]: But you’re right, they should upgrade to Campbell Brown, Bikini Edition.

Clancy_Pants December 15, 2008 at 12:04 pm

Campbell Brown loves trains too:

Im a back door man, Im a back door man
The men dont know, but Campbell Brown understands

Hey, all you people that tryin to sleep
Im out to make it with my midnight dream, yeah
cause Im a back door man, the men dont know
But Campbell Brown understands

You men eat your dinner, eat your pork and beans
I eat more chicken, than any man ever seen

Im a back door man, wha, the men dont know
But Campbell Brown understands

Well, Im a back door man
Im a back door man
Whoa, baby, Im a back door man
The men dont know
But Campbell Brown understandss

Sussemilch December 15, 2008 at 12:05 pm

[re=198677]loganmo[/re]: It did until that bandwidth surge.

qwerty42 December 15, 2008 at 12:07 pm

[re=198704]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Philly to DC??? If you want to get an idea of what Germany looked like after the war, take the train from NYC to Philly. I sat at the bar and saw large factories that looked to be in ruins (multiple storied buildings with every window broken out). Gotta admit, it does encourage the drinking. Since this is what is in the future for us, folks might want to take a look now so they’ll stock up on old oil drums and moth-eaten military overcoats from 50 yrs ago. Might also want to develop a taste for grilled rat.

Gopherit December 15, 2008 at 12:08 pm

[re=198682]WadISay[/re]: There’s not enough screen real estate for a Crowley. You could maybe do a .7 crowley before the comments would have to go away completely.

I can take Campbell Brown, fair editors….just please no Blitzer.

daisy chain December 15, 2008 at 12:11 pm

[re=198643]NoWireHangers[/re]: Um, everyone gets to meet the conductor. That’s the jerk who throws you off the train when he finds out you don’t actually have a ticket.

superfecta December 15, 2008 at 12:14 pm

This is awesome. Hopey took the train all across PA during the primaries, and my 3-year-old asks every time we go past the station where we saw him speak if ‘Obama’s train is coming back soon.’ Now I can say he is!

smoke5032 December 15, 2008 at 12:14 pm

The man is carrying this Lincoln homage to extremes – first he makes his strongest (previously thought unbeatable)opponent for the nomination his Secretary of State (Seward/Clinton)and now he is taking that train trip from Illinois to the inauguration and stopping in Baltimore for the ceremony that Lincoln had to miss when he was forced to press on to Washington to avoid the mob. Hopey is either showcasing the results of Lincoln’s work 140+ years later, or he’s really rubbing it in to the crackers – I hope the latter.

OffTheRecord December 15, 2008 at 12:15 pm

[re=198659]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Seriously. I want my wonkette editors well paid and snarky. I don’t care what they put on here as long as I am kept up to date on the latest buttsecks news. Plus, I just put a post-it over Campbell’s face. Which is now blocking half of the comment box. OMG what am I saying? I can’t see what I am saying!

bfstevie December 15, 2008 at 12:16 pm

It’s not the we mind Campbell Brown. But equal time for us gay homosexuals mandates that tomorrow she be replaced by Anderson Cooper in a speedo. Or, if they can arrange a guest appearance, Tucker Carlson in nothing but a dog collar and assless chaps. Oh, and don’t forget to ride trains.

sati demise December 15, 2008 at 12:19 pm

[re=198693]Clean for Gene[/re]: Lincoln had to bypass Baltimore because they were plannin’ to assassinate him right there on the spot after crossing the Mason Dixon line. This new train itinerary gave him a couple more years of teh sweet life.

Mr Blifil December 15, 2008 at 12:20 pm

Sounds totally safe from a security standpoint. When will they be distributing the train schedule? Or will the Secret Service assign decoy trains pulling in at various intervals before and after the Obama Nation Express.

SayItWithWookies December 15, 2008 at 12:22 pm

[re=198723]qwerty42[/re]: Oh crap, you’re right. One of the scariest 30 minutes of my life was spent at the Newark station, looking out over burned-out garages ringed with barbed wire, wondering when the conductor was gonna shut the frickin’ doors and get us the hell out of there.

actor212 December 15, 2008 at 12:22 pm

[re=198702]Hart88[/re]: The correct word is “shallow” and yes, she is.

Scottie December 15, 2008 at 12:25 pm

You cannot show me too much Campbell Brown!

How can anyone be so beautiful!

shortsshortsshorts December 15, 2008 at 12:26 pm

Hahaha Campbell Brown is so insanely unpopular that there is a fucking commenter mutiny going on. Poor Campbell :(.

She haz a sad.

actor212 December 15, 2008 at 12:26 pm

I see an Emperor of the North remake, with Barack Obama taking the role of Lee Marvin and Campbell Brown substituting in for Ernest Borgnine.

Campbell-on-CNN December 15, 2008 at 12:29 pm

[re=198702]Hart88[/re]: Ha! Like you’re ever gonna find out.

Borat December 15, 2008 at 12:29 pm

Philly-DC is usually not problematic. I notice he isn’t traveling from Chicago to DC which would probably take like 2 weeks.

Monsieur Grumpe' December 15, 2008 at 12:37 pm

[re=198660]BarthexDeRosa[/re]:
Whenever I ride the Amtrak I bring a bottle of wine and a bag of urinal cakes which I put in circle around my seat. I get to sit alone, get a buzz from the fumes and wine and leave the train smelling like a clean urinal.

S.Luggo December 15, 2008 at 12:49 pm

Barry should bike to D.C. As our 43rd president has tried, it might give a much needed boost to America’s modern technology: http://images.chron.com/blogs/txpotomac/bush%20with%20bike.jpg

qwerty42 December 15, 2008 at 1:05 pm

[re=198753]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Not the same as riding on the TGV up the Rhône. OTOH, the Virginia section (on the Crescent) was nice looking. The train was faster in NJ and PA however, because the roadbed is better; south of DC passenger and freight traffic share the rails. It is a main line for Norfolk-Southern.

sati demise December 15, 2008 at 1:08 pm

[re=198797]S.Luggo[/re]: yea, but he should use an electric bike: ultramotor A2B… now thats new tech.

BadMFer December 15, 2008 at 1:10 pm

I’m about to shut the door of my office and pleasure myself…Campbell is way too hot, and her eyes are telling she want’s it.

FreshCliches December 15, 2008 at 1:43 pm

Has the Secret Service learned nothing from Lawrence Of Arabia??

stopmebeforeitypeagain December 15, 2008 at 1:54 pm

Get that goddamn ad out of here. The guy at the next table at Starbucks has some kind of viscous substance all over his laptop keyboard, and I’m betting it’s not white-out.

oy vey December 15, 2008 at 2:04 pm

“…and the sons of pullman porters, and the sons of engineers, ride their father’s magic carpet made of steel. ”

on second thought, the heck with the high road…all I want to see is Campbell…full length and nude.

finallyhappy December 15, 2008 at 2:35 pm

[re=198723]qwerty42[/re]: Aberdeen. I demand he stop and eat at the Ideal Diner. Of course, it will probably be his own train and he won’t have to stop. Plus he probably won’t have to sit with some guy who smells like cheap alcohol- but maybe that was a Dc/NY bus.

WIDTAP December 15, 2008 at 3:10 pm

[re=198678]Rush[/re]: Set your browser to block this link.

qwerty42 December 15, 2008 at 3:38 pm

[re=199025]finallyhappy[/re]: Maryland? Altho as i recall, the station in Balto wasn’t exactly tea and crumpets. Well, not up to Newark’s standards, but …

populucious December 15, 2008 at 4:10 pm

Well if Barry’s Amtrak experience is anything like a Pacific Northwest Amtrak expereince, he will show up at the station, luggage and shiny train ticket in hand, and they will say Oh, yes, you can stand in line for the bus over there. He will say “WTF?”, and they will say “well, we don’t have any trains scheduled for today, your ticket is for a luxury busmobile ride”.

Arguments may ensue regarding the logic wormhole that is created when a person, wanting to take a lovely scenic train ride, goes on to the “Amtrak” TRAIN website and purchases a TRAIN ticket, expecting that when they arrive at the station a TRAIN will be there to take them to their destination, shows up and finds a BUS, which is not a TRAIN, waiting for them instead. The Amtrak staff will be unhelpful in clearing up this dilemma, but rest assured, budget cuts are the problem and congress giving them more money is the solution.

Following this to its logical conclusion, Barry will be stuck on the Amtrak bus somewhere between Harrisburg and Annapolis and will, unfortuantely, miss the inauguration.

DangerousLiberal December 15, 2008 at 4:11 pm

[re=198659]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: They need to get what….

Oh, paid. I thought you said….fuck, I need trifocals now.

DangerousLiberal December 15, 2008 at 4:16 pm

[re=198723]qwerty42[/re]: How bad can it be? Lincoln had to sneak into town in the dark of night in 1861, and hustle incognito from the train to the White House. Major security problems (Maryland hated him, etc.).

Actually, the Newark station is OK. And they used to have a yummy pizza place there. Ahh, the good old days (the late 1980s). I hope the pizza is still there.

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