Oh moon of Alabama it's time to say goodbyeJeez, who’s running this government anyhow? Given his latest string of appointments, it appears Barack Obama favors Indonesian Socialist pansexual witch-doctors such as Tom Daschle and Tim Geithner. This leaves little room for Obama to install in key positions such competent Southerners as … well shit, are there even any Southern Democrats alive anymore? Or are they like the ivory-billed woodpecker, another mythical Southern rarity?

There are exactly 2.5 possible Cabinet contenders from the South: Max Cleland, Sam Nunn, and Hillary Clinton, who was “from” Arkansas long enough to win the Democratic primary there and who already occupies the coveted “white lady” ethnic minority slot in Obama’s Cabinet.

This leaves Southerners as the latest aggrieved ethnic minority, along with Hispanics and The Gays, who do not feel they’re well represented in the highest tiers of our next administration. All of this will be remedied when Obama preemptively fires Hillary Clinton and appoints a Cuban drag queen from Athens, Georgia as his Secretary of State.

No Southerners yet in Obama Cabinet [Politico]

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  1. What the fuck is this? I thought many hardcore White “South Shall Rise Again” Southerners hated affirmative action! The vapors are showing up early and Barry still isn’t Preznit, shoe target Texan Connecticut Yankee born halfwit W still is.

  2. Maybe the new puppy can be a Southerner. Better than some no-name Cabinet post, the puppy’s got a position with direct, 24-hour Presidential access and a White House residence. Also, some big, mean Texas mutt will be able to beat the shit out of Bush’s fruity little Scottish terriers.

  3. And you’d think a Southerner would be a shoo-in for Secretary of Inbred Tobacco Farming NASCAR Watching Cheap Beer Drinking Country Music Listening Neo-segregationist Affairs.

  4. Ummm…I’m afraid of what’s going to happen when Campbell’s baby bump explodes. I don’t think my monitor is big enough for a life-sized, pregnant Campbell.

  5. Mebbe he will hire one of us as line-backer coach.

    His press secretary is the young rascal who threw beer bottles over our fence in Auburn D’Alabama.

    (I jinxed Wonkette by becoming “Campbells Brown Thong.” Then we became all Campbell, all the time. Sorry. I’ll retire that nomme de snark.)

  6. We’ve had Southerners for the past sixteen years, with mixed results, but the past eight years have been a disaster, which leads me to propose the Peak Southern theory, that in the past sixteen years, we’ve explored for and tapped all the available intelligent Southerners there are.

  7. I think if there’s one position MADE for a Southerner, it’s the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. For shit’s sake, are there three things Southerners love more? Throw Jesus into the mix and that’s practically an entire lifestyle.

    They should hold open tryouts for a Director position in major Southern cities, like American Idol, where contestants have to show off any talent involving their love of alcohol, tobacco and firearms (example: drinking a whole bottle of JD, spitting a wad of chew directly into a spittoon 5 feet away, then shooting the spittoon with a shotgun from 50 feet)

  8. Robert Gibbs, his press secretary is a southerner. He’s got the drawl and everything. Best of both worlds: you get to staff all the meaningful posts with smart Yankees, while still having your public face be a charming, chubby Texan.

  9. I thought we went through this already ‘The South’. After LBJ demoted the Secretary of Moonshinin’ and Banjo Pickin’ from it’s Cabinet level post and abolished the Department of Rum Runnin’ and Pig Wrasslin’, we no longer are required to nominate southerners to positions within the government.

  10. [re=198604]actor212[/re]: Uh, George was from Connecticut. He went to school at Phillips, Yale and Harvard. The “Southern” thing was a political affectation, like being religious and compassionate.

  11. Well, Tom’s from SOUTH Dakota.
    And well, Hillz, she got outa Arkansas, but did the Arkansas go outa her?
    And what’s Janet Reno up to now?
    And Elian Gonzalez? He’s almost 18. Good nuff.
    And our Wookies? Iddn’t SIWW from the South?
    Andre Codrescu?

    Gotta be someone.

  12. The representative for Texas’ 17th district, Chet Edwards, was Obama’s #3 pick for VP. I worked on his campaign this year. He’s a great guy, and seeing how far he came through the VP selection process, I’m actually kind of surprised Barry hasn’t tapped him for something yet. Texas loves him. He’s the Southern Dem to watch- he’s going places.

  13. I’d like to put in a good word for my Congressional Representative, Jim Cooper. He’s smart, he’s pragmatic, and he’s been pounding the fiscal responsibility podium for some time now.

  14. [re=198593]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Another option is to make the B-52s Secretary of the Air Force.
    Or make Duane Allman head of the DEA. I understand he has a familiarity with drugs.

  15. [re=198631]Sussemilch[/re]: Oh, some of us are fairly bright. We just can’t put together a majority vote. I kind of admire folks like Bill Clinton, the folks who started Habitat for Humanity, Gram Parsons (and Emmylou Harris), Steven Soderburgh, Hugo Black, and Hershel and Alice Walker.

    It’s easy being a liberal when people around you are liberal. It can be challenging, otherwise.

  16. I see a gay, Athens three-way battle for Secretary of the Interior between Michael Stipe, the B-52’s, and Kevin Barnes.

    (Ok, I know Barnes is married, but I’d be willing to bet his Kinsey score is smack dab in the middle.)

  17. Hi, I’m a Southern Democrat! We still live! Actually believe it or not, I know some Hispanic Gay Southern Democrats. It’s AWESOME living here, because while the asshole part of the population is SUPER assholeryish, you can always ignore them and just surround yourself with really cool people like redneck hippies (seriously the most awesome people you can know–nothing freaks them out, stresses them out, or causes them to judge you), illegal immigrants from Mexico who have the BEST parties anyone ever had in the whole history of the world and who make the most awesome neighbors, and the aforementioned Hispanic Gay Southern Democrats. Oh I left out my black brethren, whom I love so much I go to church with them now.

    Also, I paid 89 cents a gallon for gas this morning. I heart Texas.

  18. Janet Napolitano is the governor of a SOUTHwestern state. And Barack Obama himself is from the SOUTH side of Chicago.

    We’ve filled our quota. If you feel we should do better than that, then tell it to the ACLU.

  19. al-Zaidis Loafer: amen. I became a liberal while attending Texas A&M for five years. Talk about a challenge. But it strengthened me as a liberal. I’ve been to the heart of darkness and came out alive.

  20. [re=198583]grendel[/re]: Did you hear that Athens was planning on naming a street after Michael Stipe? They had to scrap the project, though, because they couldn’t find a street that goes both ways.

  21. [re=198638]S.Luggo[/re]: Ah, yes, lovely Cairo, IL. Pronounced KA-ro, accent on the first syllable, long A, so it sounds like the most backwoods, uncultured place in the world. Which it might be.

    There was a White Citizens Council in Cairo until (at least) the mid-1970s. Would be hard to find a suitable candidate for any cabinet post since most of the population over 13 is pregnant, in prison or both.

  22. Hey I AM a Southern Democrat! We are still alive and well here in NC, and we gave hopey our electoral Collage votes too! What oh.. Wonkette is looking for “competent” Southen Democrats… oh well never mind then… sorry all gone…

  23. [re=198626]InsidiousTuna[/re]: “The representative for Texas’ 17th district, Chet Edwards, was Obama’s #3 pick for VP. I worked on his campaign this year. He’s a great guy,…”

    Yeah, but “Chet?” Ask him if he can pick up a cool nickname; we would like to get behind him but, you know… “Chet?”

  24. So the same area that was going on about Obama’s ethnicity in a highly negative way and spreading outright lies during the campaign is crying about not getting rewarded for their stupidity? Cry me a fucking river.

  25. [re=198793]HuddledMass[/re]: Dude with a name like Chet would drive a 57 Corvette and smoke Camels. Listens to Miles. Drinks George T. Stagg 15-Year-Old rye recipe Bourbon, at barrel strength, uncut and unfiltered.

    Used to date Ms. Campbell Brown, and knew what she wanted, but broke her heart and filled her with longing and loss.

    He might push Hopey on the cool front. Wouldn’t settle for any side-kick shit, so not too likely to become Under Secretary of Education.

  26. We must have a non-Southerner White House for a number of terms just to get the whiff of Bush/Cheney permanently removed. Also, no more Yalies please.

  27. [re=198984]chascates[/re]: Again, what do Bush or Cheney have to do with the South? One is from Connecticut and the other is from Nebraska. Joseph Smith! Don’t they teach geography in teh schools anymore?

  28. Awww, Politico’s just being unfair. Barack Hussein was trying to contact Southerners after the election, but it’s tough to get callbacks when deer season is on.

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