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Southerners Are Latest Ethnic Group To Be Outraged By Barack Obama’s Cabinet Appointments

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Oh moon of Alabama it's time to say goodbyeJeez, who’s running this government anyhow? Given his latest string of appointments, it appears Barack Obama favors Indonesian Socialist pansexual witch-doctors such as Tom Daschle and Tim Geithner. This leaves little room for Obama to install in key positions such competent Southerners as … well shit, are there even any Southern Democrats alive anymore? Or are they like the ivory-billed woodpecker, another mythical Southern rarity?

There are exactly 2.5 possible Cabinet contenders from the South: Max Cleland, Sam Nunn, and Hillary Clinton, who was “from” Arkansas long enough to win the Democratic primary there and who already occupies the coveted “white lady” ethnic minority slot in Obama’s Cabinet.

This leaves Southerners as the latest aggrieved ethnic minority, along with Hispanics and The Gays, who do not feel they’re well represented in the highest tiers of our next administration. All of this will be remedied when Obama preemptively fires Hillary Clinton and appoints a Cuban drag queen from Athens, Georgia as his Secretary of State.

No Southerners yet in Obama Cabinet [Politico]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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  • elburrito

    Traditionally, Southerners would always get the key Secretary of Negro Affairs spot.

  • WadISay

    Sorry, peoples, the Confederacy is at war with the Union (the UAW, that is).

  • grendel

    Yay for the Athens reference! Little known fact, 10% of Athens’ population are Cuban drag queens and they all work at The Grit.

  • mbprice

    Saxby Chambliss is Cuban?

  • Dildo Baggins

    In the immortal words of Blago, fuck ’em!

  • ManchuCandidate

    What the fuck is this? I thought many hardcore White “South Shall Rise Again” Southerners hated affirmative action! The vapors are showing up early and Barry still isn’t Preznit, shoe target Texan Connecticut Yankee born halfwit W still is.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=198583]grendel[/re]: Michael Stipe would fulfill the Southerner & gay slot–two birds with one stone. you’re welcome, Barry.

  • mattbolt

    Maybe the new puppy can be a Southerner. Better than some no-name Cabinet post, the puppy’s got a position with direct, 24-hour Presidential access and a White House residence. Also, some big, mean Texas mutt will be able to beat the shit out of Bush’s fruity little Scottish terriers.

  • Serolf Divad

    And you’d think a Southerner would be a shoo-in for Secretary of Inbred Tobacco Farming NASCAR Watching Cheap Beer Drinking Country Music Listening Neo-segregationist Affairs.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Ummm…I’m afraid of what’s going to happen when Campbell’s baby bump explodes. I don’t think my monitor is big enough for a life-sized, pregnant Campbell.

  • kapish

    Obama gonna confiscate all their guns and make ’em into very gay sex toys.

  • MARCdMan

    Perhaps fullscreen-sized images of Campbell Brown will placate them.

  • al-Zaidis Loafer

    Mebbe he will hire one of us as line-backer coach.

    His press secretary is the young rascal who threw beer bottles over our fence in Auburn D’Alabama.

    (I jinxed Wonkette by becoming “Campbells Brown Thong.” Then we became all Campbell, all the time. Sorry. I’ll retire that nomme de snark.)

  • SayItWithWookies

    That’s our Politico — an oasis of dissent in a vast desert of harmony. F*ck them.

  • actor212

    We’ve had Southerners for the past sixteen years, with mixed results, but the past eight years have been a disaster, which leads me to propose the Peak Southern theory, that in the past sixteen years, we’ve explored for and tapped all the available intelligent Southerners there are.

  • mattbolt

    I think if there’s one position MADE for a Southerner, it’s the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. For shit’s sake, are there three things Southerners love more? Throw Jesus into the mix and that’s practically an entire lifestyle.

    They should hold open tryouts for a Director position in major Southern cities, like American Idol, where contestants have to show off any talent involving their love of alcohol, tobacco and firearms (example: drinking a whole bottle of JD, spitting a wad of chew directly into a spittoon 5 feet away, then shooting the spittoon with a shotgun from 50 feet)

  • jagorev

    Robert Gibbs, his press secretary is a southerner. He’s got the drawl and everything. Best of both worlds: you get to staff all the meaningful posts with smart Yankees, while still having your public face be a charming, chubby Texan.

  • Theodorick Of York

    [re=198602]al-Zaidis Loafer[/re]:
    Ooooooooh! Can I be Campbell Brown’s Thong?
    Really…pick me, pick meeeeee!

  • Neon Trotsky

    Well, the state of Hawaii, from which our new Polynesian God-King hails, is rather far south…

  • Capitol Hillbilly

    memo to rednecks: you fuck with the Bull, you get the Horn.

  • Miller

    I thought we went through this already ‘The South’. After LBJ demoted the Secretary of Moonshinin’ and Banjo Pickin’ from it’s Cabinet level post and abolished the Department of Rum Runnin’ and Pig Wrasslin’, we no longer are required to nominate southerners to positions within the government.


  • al-Zaidis Loafer

    [re=198604]actor212[/re]: Uh, George was from Connecticut. He went to school at Phillips, Yale and Harvard. The “Southern” thing was a political affectation, like being religious and compassionate.

  • al-Zaidis Loafer

    [re=198611]Theodorick Of York[/re]: You may — but you must remove the apostrophe. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way.

  • Darehead

    Well, Tom’s from SOUTH Dakota.
    And well, Hillz, she got outa Arkansas, but did the Arkansas go outa her?
    And what’s Janet Reno up to now?
    And Elian Gonzalez? He’s almost 18. Good nuff.
    And our Wookies? Iddn’t SIWW from the South?
    Andre Codrescu?

    Gotta be someone.

  • al-Zaidis Loafer

    [re=198611]Theodorick Of York[/re]: PS – It had been “Campbells Brown Thong”, but such subtleties are strickly up to you.

  • BarthexDeRosa

    He’s appointing several professional Republican politicians to his cabinet, so The Gays should be well represented.

  • gurukalehuru

    I just checked a map, and Honolulu is a couple degrees south of Havana. Take that, Crackers!
    (btw, FMAZ!)

  • InsidiousTuna

    The representative for Texas’ 17th district, Chet Edwards, was Obama’s #3 pick for VP. I worked on his campaign this year. He’s a great guy, and seeing how far he came through the VP selection process, I’m actually kind of surprised Barry hasn’t tapped him for something yet. Texas loves him. He’s the Southern Dem to watch- he’s going places.

  • Min

    I’d like to put in a good word for my Congressional Representative, Jim Cooper. He’s smart, he’s pragmatic, and he’s been pounding the fiscal responsibility podium for some time now.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=198617]al-Zaidis Loafer[/re]: And sober.

  • Sussemilch

    Well, he said he’d surround himself with the best and brightest. Why are we suddenly surprised?

  • 4tehlulz


  • Warren Terror

    [re=198615]Miller[/re]: I disagree. There still is one more venue: http://www.texasmonthly.com/preview/2008-09-01/themanual.

  • S.Luggo

    Barry should choose someone from Cairo, Illinois. It’s south of most of Missouri, Kentucky, and Va. Plus the town combines Southern efficiacy with Northern urban charm. http://www.markburgess.us/photos/Cairo%20Illinois/Avenue_I.jpg

    [re=198599]MARCdMan[/re]: Campbell’s a Floridian who (like Mississippi’s Julia Roberts) got her accent scrubed clean when she went into the entertainment biz.

  • Cape Clod

    [re=198593]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Another option is to make the B-52s Secretary of the Air Force.
    Or make Duane Allman head of the DEA. I understand he has a familiarity with drugs.

  • actor212

    [re=198617]al-Zaidis Loafer[/re]: Don’t confuse the point with facts, you dirty fucking hippie.

  • JLSigman

    There’s talk of making Inez Tennenbaum Secretary of Education… that could be interesting.

  • al-Zaidis Loafer

    [re=198631]Sussemilch[/re]: Oh, some of us are fairly bright. We just can’t put together a majority vote. I kind of admire folks like Bill Clinton, the folks who started Habitat for Humanity, Gram Parsons (and Emmylou Harris), Steven Soderburgh, Hugo Black, and Hershel and Alice Walker.

    It’s easy being a liberal when people around you are liberal. It can be challenging, otherwise.

  • Keram2

    I see a gay, Athens three-way battle for Secretary of the Interior between Michael Stipe, the B-52’s, and Kevin Barnes.

    (Ok, I know Barnes is married, but I’d be willing to bet his Kinsey score is smack dab in the middle.)

  • Min

    [re=198647]al-Zaidis Loafer[/re]: Preach it, brother.

  • badmuthagoose

    Hi, I’m a Southern Democrat! We still live! Actually believe it or not, I know some Hispanic Gay Southern Democrats. It’s AWESOME living here, because while the asshole part of the population is SUPER assholeryish, you can always ignore them and just surround yourself with really cool people like redneck hippies (seriously the most awesome people you can know–nothing freaks them out, stresses them out, or causes them to judge you), illegal immigrants from Mexico who have the BEST parties anyone ever had in the whole history of the world and who make the most awesome neighbors, and the aforementioned Hispanic Gay Southern Democrats. Oh I left out my black brethren, whom I love so much I go to church with them now.

    Also, I paid 89 cents a gallon for gas this morning. I heart Texas.

  • Larry McAwful

    Janet Napolitano is the governor of a SOUTHwestern state. And Barack Obama himself is from the SOUTH side of Chicago.

    We’ve filled our quota. If you feel we should do better than that, then tell it to the ACLU.

  • badmuthagoose

    al-Zaidis Loafer: amen. I became a liberal while attending Texas A&M for five years. Talk about a challenge. But it strengthened me as a liberal. I’ve been to the heart of darkness and came out alive.

  • Larry McAwful

    [re=198583]grendel[/re]: Did you hear that Athens was planning on naming a street after Michael Stipe? They had to scrap the project, though, because they couldn’t find a street that goes both ways.

  • Sussemilch

    [re=198647]al-Zaidis Loafer[/re]: Point taken. I’m just sore from being ruled by a stereotype.

  • Neon Trotsky

    What about all that talk of Obama being “Jimmy Carter redux”? Remember that? I presume ol’ Carter will be joining up shortly…

  • actor212

    [re=198670]Larry McAwful[/re]: Streets don’t choose to be gay, after all…

  • donner_froh

    [re=198638]S.Luggo[/re]: Ah, yes, lovely Cairo, IL. Pronounced KA-ro, accent on the first syllable, long A, so it sounds like the most backwoods, uncultured place in the world. Which it might be.

    There was a White Citizens Council in Cairo until (at least) the mid-1970s. Would be hard to find a suitable candidate for any cabinet post since most of the population over 13 is pregnant, in prison or both.

  • p-Sludge ofTheElves

    Well, there’s Colbert, right?

  • effinHel

    Hey I AM a Southern Democrat! We are still alive and well here in NC, and we gave hopey our electoral Collage votes too! What oh.. Wonkette is looking for “competent” Southen Democrats… oh well never mind then… sorry all gone…

  • Mustang

    You can put cheeze whiz on a cracker, but it’s still a cracker.

  • Kev-O-Tron

    Isn’t there a token Secretary of teh Jeebus or something he can offer them?

  • CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    This southerner for one is lovin’ it. However the same cannot be said for the life-size Campbell Brown on my internetz.

  • CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    [re=198712]donner_froh[/re]: KA-ro? They make teh seerups, no?

  • CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    [re=198594]mattbolt[/re]: Or another stoopid “Czar.” I mean, really, “Car Czar”?? WTF? Dr. Suess is president?

  • Borat

    [re=198593]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I prefer the Deliverance variety of southern gay types.

  • problemwithcaring

    [re=198628]Min[/re]: I ‘sxpect he’s holdin down a mighty fort. Reckon you might not wanna set him lose…

  • Borat

    [re=198663]badmuthagoose[/re]: well, you make a strong argument. i can’t say no to any of that.

  • HuddledMass

    [re=198626]InsidiousTuna[/re]: “The representative for Texas’ 17th district, Chet Edwards, was Obama’s #3 pick for VP. I worked on his campaign this year. He’s a great guy,…”

    Yeah, but “Chet?” Ask him if he can pick up a cool nickname; we would like to get behind him but, you know… “Chet?”

  • SmilingMightyJesus

    [re=198712]donner_froh[/re]: Cairo, IL is as ugly, dismal, and depressing as Campbell Brown is pretty. That’s a bunch.

  • Kingbee

    Wait! Didn’t Obama already appoint a Cuban drag Queen from Athens, GA as Sec. of State?

  • glamourdammerung

    So the same area that was going on about Obama’s ethnicity in a highly negative way and spreading outright lies during the campaign is crying about not getting rewarded for their stupidity? Cry me a fucking river.

  • al-Zaidis Loafer

    [re=198793]HuddledMass[/re]: Dude with a name like Chet would drive a 57 Corvette and smoke Camels. Listens to Miles. Drinks George T. Stagg 15-Year-Old rye recipe Bourbon, at barrel strength, uncut and unfiltered.

    Used to date Ms. Campbell Brown, and knew what she wanted, but broke her heart and filled her with longing and loss.

    He might push Hopey on the cool front. Wouldn’t settle for any side-kick shit, so not too likely to become Under Secretary of Education.

  • chascates

    We must have a non-Southerner White House for a number of terms just to get the whiff of Bush/Cheney permanently removed. Also, no more Yalies please.

  • IslandGirlFL

    Carol Browner, our lovely new Climate Change Czarina, is from Florida!!!

  • clickthru-the-unicorn

    Charlottesville Virginia: Supplying maryland, DC, and the surrounding area with marijuana for 20 years, and growing.

  • al-Zaidis Loafer

    [re=198984]chascates[/re]: Again, what do Bush or Cheney have to do with the South? One is from Connecticut and the other is from Nebraska. Joseph Smith! Don’t they teach geography in teh schools anymore?

  • Mark Narwhalberg

    [re=198583]grendel[/re]: Can we move Barry’s underground bunker to the Secret Squirrel?

  • Atlas Spanked

    Awww, Politico’s just being unfair. Barack Hussein was trying to contact Southerners after the election, but it’s tough to get callbacks when deer season is on.