DIVERSITY TRAINING  10:45 am December 15, 2008

Southerners Are Latest Ethnic Group To Be Outraged By Barack Obama’s Cabinet Appointments

by Sara K. Smith

Oh moon of Alabama it's time to say goodbyeJeez, who’s running this government anyhow? Given his latest string of appointments, it appears Barack Obama favors Indonesian Socialist pansexual witch-doctors such as Tom Daschle and Tim Geithner. This leaves little room for Obama to install in key positions such competent Southerners as … well shit, are there even any Southern Democrats alive anymore? Or are they like the ivory-billed woodpecker, another mythical Southern rarity?

There are exactly 2.5 possible Cabinet contenders from the South: Max Cleland, Sam Nunn, and Hillary Clinton, who was “from” Arkansas long enough to win the Democratic primary there and who already occupies the coveted “white lady” ethnic minority slot in Obama’s Cabinet.

This leaves Southerners as the latest aggrieved ethnic minority, along with Hispanics and The Gays, who do not feel they’re well represented in the highest tiers of our next administration. All of this will be remedied when Obama preemptively fires Hillary Clinton and appoints a Cuban drag queen from Athens, Georgia as his Secretary of State.

No Southerners yet in Obama Cabinet [Politico]

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elburrito December 15, 2008 at 10:47 am

Traditionally, Southerners would always get the key Secretary of Negro Affairs spot.

WadISay December 15, 2008 at 10:49 am

Sorry, peoples, the Confederacy is at war with the Union (the UAW, that is).

grendel December 15, 2008 at 10:50 am

Yay for the Athens reference! Little known fact, 10% of Athens’ population are Cuban drag queens and they all work at The Grit.

mbprice December 15, 2008 at 10:51 am

Saxby Chambliss is Cuban?

Dildo Baggins December 15, 2008 at 10:52 am

In the immortal words of Blago, fuck ‘em!

ManchuCandidate December 15, 2008 at 10:52 am

What the fuck is this? I thought many hardcore White “South Shall Rise Again” Southerners hated affirmative action! The vapors are showing up early and Barry still isn’t Preznit, shoe target Texan Connecticut Yankee born halfwit W still is.

Texan Bulldoggette December 15, 2008 at 10:53 am

[re=198583]grendel[/re]: Michael Stipe would fulfill the Southerner & gay slot–two birds with one stone. you’re welcome, Barry.

mattbolt December 15, 2008 at 10:54 am

Maybe the new puppy can be a Southerner. Better than some no-name Cabinet post, the puppy’s got a position with direct, 24-hour Presidential access and a White House residence. Also, some big, mean Texas mutt will be able to beat the shit out of Bush’s fruity little Scottish terriers.

Serolf Divad December 15, 2008 at 10:54 am

And you’d think a Southerner would be a shoo-in for Secretary of Inbred Tobacco Farming NASCAR Watching Cheap Beer Drinking Country Music Listening Neo-segregationist Affairs.

Texan Bulldoggette December 15, 2008 at 10:54 am

Ummm…I’m afraid of what’s going to happen when Campbell’s baby bump explodes. I don’t think my monitor is big enough for a life-sized, pregnant Campbell.

kapish December 15, 2008 at 10:54 am

Obama gonna confiscate all their guns and make ‘em into very gay sex toys.

MARCdMan December 15, 2008 at 10:55 am

Perhaps fullscreen-sized images of Campbell Brown will placate them.

al-Zaidis Loafer December 15, 2008 at 10:56 am

Mebbe he will hire one of us as line-backer coach.

His press secretary is the young rascal who threw beer bottles over our fence in Auburn D’Alabama.

(I jinxed Wonkette by becoming “Campbells Brown Thong.” Then we became all Campbell, all the time. Sorry. I’ll retire that nomme de snark.)

SayItWithWookies December 15, 2008 at 10:58 am

That’s our Politico — an oasis of dissent in a vast desert of harmony. F*ck them.

actor212 December 15, 2008 at 10:58 am

We’ve had Southerners for the past sixteen years, with mixed results, but the past eight years have been a disaster, which leads me to propose the Peak Southern theory, that in the past sixteen years, we’ve explored for and tapped all the available intelligent Southerners there are.

mattbolt December 15, 2008 at 10:59 am

I think if there’s one position MADE for a Southerner, it’s the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. For shit’s sake, are there three things Southerners love more? Throw Jesus into the mix and that’s practically an entire lifestyle.

They should hold open tryouts for a Director position in major Southern cities, like American Idol, where contestants have to show off any talent involving their love of alcohol, tobacco and firearms (example: drinking a whole bottle of JD, spitting a wad of chew directly into a spittoon 5 feet away, then shooting the spittoon with a shotgun from 50 feet)

jagorev December 15, 2008 at 11:01 am

Robert Gibbs, his press secretary is a southerner. He’s got the drawl and everything. Best of both worlds: you get to staff all the meaningful posts with smart Yankees, while still having your public face be a charming, chubby Texan.

Theodorick Of York December 15, 2008 at 11:02 am

[re=198602]al-Zaidis Loafer[/re]:
Ooooooooh! Can I be Campbell Brown’s Thong?
Really…pick me, pick meeeeee!

Neon Trotsky December 15, 2008 at 11:02 am

Well, the state of Hawaii, from which our new Polynesian God-King hails, is rather far south…

Capitol Hillbilly December 15, 2008 at 11:02 am

memo to rednecks: you fuck with the Bull, you get the Horn.

Miller December 15, 2008 at 11:03 am

I thought we went through this already ‘The South’. After LBJ demoted the Secretary of Moonshinin’ and Banjo Pickin’ from it’s Cabinet level post and abolished the Department of Rum Runnin’ and Pig Wrasslin’, we no longer are required to nominate southerners to positions within the government.


al-Zaidis Loafer December 15, 2008 at 11:04 am

[re=198604]actor212[/re]: Uh, George was from Connecticut. He went to school at Phillips, Yale and Harvard. The “Southern” thing was a political affectation, like being religious and compassionate.

al-Zaidis Loafer December 15, 2008 at 11:05 am

[re=198611]Theodorick Of York[/re]: You may — but you must remove the apostrophe. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way.

Darehead December 15, 2008 at 11:06 am

Well, Tom’s from SOUTH Dakota.
And well, Hillz, she got outa Arkansas, but did the Arkansas go outa her?
And what’s Janet Reno up to now?
And Elian Gonzalez? He’s almost 18. Good nuff.
And our Wookies? Iddn’t SIWW from the South?
Andre Codrescu?

Gotta be someone.

al-Zaidis Loafer December 15, 2008 at 11:07 am

[re=198611]Theodorick Of York[/re]: PS – It had been “Campbells Brown Thong”, but such subtleties are strickly up to you.

BarthexDeRosa December 15, 2008 at 11:07 am

He’s appointing several professional Republican politicians to his cabinet, so The Gays should be well represented.

gurukalehuru December 15, 2008 at 11:08 am

I just checked a map, and Honolulu is a couple degrees south of Havana. Take that, Crackers!
(btw, FMAZ!)

InsidiousTuna December 15, 2008 at 11:11 am

The representative for Texas’ 17th district, Chet Edwards, was Obama’s #3 pick for VP. I worked on his campaign this year. He’s a great guy, and seeing how far he came through the VP selection process, I’m actually kind of surprised Barry hasn’t tapped him for something yet. Texas loves him. He’s the Southern Dem to watch- he’s going places.

Min December 15, 2008 at 11:13 am

I’d like to put in a good word for my Congressional Representative, Jim Cooper. He’s smart, he’s pragmatic, and he’s been pounding the fiscal responsibility podium for some time now.

S.Luggo December 15, 2008 at 11:14 am

[re=198617]al-Zaidis Loafer[/re]: And sober.

Sussemilch December 15, 2008 at 11:16 am

Well, he said he’d surround himself with the best and brightest. Why are we suddenly surprised?

4tehlulz December 15, 2008 at 11:18 am


Warren Terror December 15, 2008 at 11:22 am

[re=198615]Miller[/re]: I disagree. There still is one more venue: http://www.texasmonthly.com/preview/2008-09-01/themanual.

S.Luggo December 15, 2008 at 11:22 am

Barry should choose someone from Cairo, Illinois. It’s south of most of Missouri, Kentucky, and Va. Plus the town combines Southern efficiacy with Northern urban charm. http://www.markburgess.us/photos/Cairo%20Illinois/Avenue_I.jpg

[re=198599]MARCdMan[/re]: Campbell’s a Floridian who (like Mississippi’s Julia Roberts) got her accent scrubed clean when she went into the entertainment biz.

Cape Clod December 15, 2008 at 11:24 am

[re=198593]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Another option is to make the B-52s Secretary of the Air Force.
Or make Duane Allman head of the DEA. I understand he has a familiarity with drugs.

actor212 December 15, 2008 at 11:25 am

[re=198617]al-Zaidis Loafer[/re]: Don’t confuse the point with facts, you dirty fucking hippie.

JLSigman December 15, 2008 at 11:26 am

There’s talk of making Inez Tennenbaum Secretary of Education… that could be interesting.

al-Zaidis Loafer December 15, 2008 at 11:26 am

[re=198631]Sussemilch[/re]: Oh, some of us are fairly bright. We just can’t put together a majority vote. I kind of admire folks like Bill Clinton, the folks who started Habitat for Humanity, Gram Parsons (and Emmylou Harris), Steven Soderburgh, Hugo Black, and Hershel and Alice Walker.

It’s easy being a liberal when people around you are liberal. It can be challenging, otherwise.

Keram2 December 15, 2008 at 11:29 am

I see a gay, Athens three-way battle for Secretary of the Interior between Michael Stipe, the B-52′s, and Kevin Barnes.

(Ok, I know Barnes is married, but I’d be willing to bet his Kinsey score is smack dab in the middle.)

Min December 15, 2008 at 11:31 am

[re=198647]al-Zaidis Loafer[/re]: Preach it, brother.

badmuthagoose December 15, 2008 at 11:34 am

Hi, I’m a Southern Democrat! We still live! Actually believe it or not, I know some Hispanic Gay Southern Democrats. It’s AWESOME living here, because while the asshole part of the population is SUPER assholeryish, you can always ignore them and just surround yourself with really cool people like redneck hippies (seriously the most awesome people you can know–nothing freaks them out, stresses them out, or causes them to judge you), illegal immigrants from Mexico who have the BEST parties anyone ever had in the whole history of the world and who make the most awesome neighbors, and the aforementioned Hispanic Gay Southern Democrats. Oh I left out my black brethren, whom I love so much I go to church with them now.

Also, I paid 89 cents a gallon for gas this morning. I heart Texas.

Larry McAwful December 15, 2008 at 11:35 am

Janet Napolitano is the governor of a SOUTHwestern state. And Barack Obama himself is from the SOUTH side of Chicago.

We’ve filled our quota. If you feel we should do better than that, then tell it to the ACLU.

badmuthagoose December 15, 2008 at 11:36 am

al-Zaidis Loafer: amen. I became a liberal while attending Texas A&M for five years. Talk about a challenge. But it strengthened me as a liberal. I’ve been to the heart of darkness and came out alive.

Larry McAwful December 15, 2008 at 11:36 am

[re=198583]grendel[/re]: Did you hear that Athens was planning on naming a street after Michael Stipe? They had to scrap the project, though, because they couldn’t find a street that goes both ways.

Sussemilch December 15, 2008 at 11:36 am

[re=198647]al-Zaidis Loafer[/re]: Point taken. I’m just sore from being ruled by a stereotype.

Neon Trotsky December 15, 2008 at 11:38 am

What about all that talk of Obama being “Jimmy Carter redux”? Remember that? I presume ol’ Carter will be joining up shortly…

actor212 December 15, 2008 at 11:48 am

[re=198670]Larry McAwful[/re]: Streets don’t choose to be gay, after all…

donner_froh December 15, 2008 at 12:00 pm

[re=198638]S.Luggo[/re]: Ah, yes, lovely Cairo, IL. Pronounced KA-ro, accent on the first syllable, long A, so it sounds like the most backwoods, uncultured place in the world. Which it might be.

There was a White Citizens Council in Cairo until (at least) the mid-1970s. Would be hard to find a suitable candidate for any cabinet post since most of the population over 13 is pregnant, in prison or both.

p-Sludge ofTheElves December 15, 2008 at 12:01 pm

Well, there’s Colbert, right?

effinHel December 15, 2008 at 12:05 pm

Hey I AM a Southern Democrat! We are still alive and well here in NC, and we gave hopey our electoral Collage votes too! What oh.. Wonkette is looking for “competent” Southen Democrats… oh well never mind then… sorry all gone…

Mustang December 15, 2008 at 12:13 pm

You can put cheeze whiz on a cracker, but it’s still a cracker.

Kev-O-Tron December 15, 2008 at 12:19 pm

Isn’t there a token Secretary of teh Jeebus or something he can offer them?

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us December 15, 2008 at 12:31 pm

This southerner for one is lovin’ it. However the same cannot be said for the life-size Campbell Brown on my internetz.

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us December 15, 2008 at 12:32 pm

[re=198712]donner_froh[/re]: KA-ro? They make teh seerups, no?

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us December 15, 2008 at 12:35 pm

[re=198594]mattbolt[/re]: Or another stoopid “Czar.” I mean, really, “Car Czar”?? WTF? Dr. Suess is president?

Borat December 15, 2008 at 12:40 pm

[re=198593]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I prefer the Deliverance variety of southern gay types.

problemwithcaring December 15, 2008 at 12:42 pm

[re=198628]Min[/re]: I ‘sxpect he’s holdin down a mighty fort. Reckon you might not wanna set him lose…

Borat December 15, 2008 at 12:43 pm

[re=198663]badmuthagoose[/re]: well, you make a strong argument. i can’t say no to any of that.

HuddledMass December 15, 2008 at 12:47 pm

[re=198626]InsidiousTuna[/re]: “The representative for Texas’ 17th district, Chet Edwards, was Obama’s #3 pick for VP. I worked on his campaign this year. He’s a great guy,…”

Yeah, but “Chet?” Ask him if he can pick up a cool nickname; we would like to get behind him but, you know… “Chet?”

SmilingMightyJesus December 15, 2008 at 12:50 pm

[re=198712]donner_froh[/re]: Cairo, IL is as ugly, dismal, and depressing as Campbell Brown is pretty. That’s a bunch.

Kingbee December 15, 2008 at 12:53 pm

Wait! Didn’t Obama already appoint a Cuban drag Queen from Athens, GA as Sec. of State?

glamourdammerung December 15, 2008 at 1:39 pm

So the same area that was going on about Obama’s ethnicity in a highly negative way and spreading outright lies during the campaign is crying about not getting rewarded for their stupidity? Cry me a fucking river.

al-Zaidis Loafer December 15, 2008 at 1:52 pm

[re=198793]HuddledMass[/re]: Dude with a name like Chet would drive a 57 Corvette and smoke Camels. Listens to Miles. Drinks George T. Stagg 15-Year-Old rye recipe Bourbon, at barrel strength, uncut and unfiltered.

Used to date Ms. Campbell Brown, and knew what she wanted, but broke her heart and filled her with longing and loss.

He might push Hopey on the cool front. Wouldn’t settle for any side-kick shit, so not too likely to become Under Secretary of Education.

chascates December 15, 2008 at 2:17 pm

We must have a non-Southerner White House for a number of terms just to get the whiff of Bush/Cheney permanently removed. Also, no more Yalies please.

IslandGirlFL December 15, 2008 at 2:22 pm

Carol Browner, our lovely new Climate Change Czarina, is from Florida!!!

clickthru-the-unicorn December 15, 2008 at 2:31 pm

Charlottesville Virginia: Supplying maryland, DC, and the surrounding area with marijuana for 20 years, and growing.

al-Zaidis Loafer December 15, 2008 at 2:39 pm

[re=198984]chascates[/re]: Again, what do Bush or Cheney have to do with the South? One is from Connecticut and the other is from Nebraska. Joseph Smith! Don’t they teach geography in teh schools anymore?

Mark Narwhalberg December 15, 2008 at 2:48 pm

[re=198583]grendel[/re]: Can we move Barry’s underground bunker to the Secret Squirrel?

Atlas Spanked March 13, 2009 at 1:10 pm

Awww, Politico’s just being unfair. Barack Hussein was trying to contact Southerners after the election, but it’s tough to get callbacks when deer season is on.

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