Wonkette
Mush-mouthed Fox News hostess Greta Van Susteren — remember her? — is apparently still doing teevee broadcasts about that white gal who disappeared from an island beach resort about 10 years ago. There are people still talking about this! Not anybody you’d know, but still! So, not only does Greta V. continue to have a cable-news program, but she has also been provided with a blog on the FoxNews site. (Hey, even your editor has a blog on the FoxNews site, so it is not that big a deal.) You must read the incredible new conspiracy this person has invented, on her blog, while riding on a train — which prevents her from linking to Internet stories, on her blog, for some reason! Fucking trains!
Here is the blog post in question:
oh oh - what does this mean?
by Greta Van SusterenI just read an article in the Chicago Tribune about big Dem operative close to Congressman Rahm Emanuel…his name is Jimmy DeLeo…the Trib tried to find him in several of his haunts including - get this - the Excelsior Casino in Aruba!! That is where Joran met Natalee Holloway! As soon as I get off the train I will link the whole article…but this sure is odd!!
You know how your Wonkette editors occassionally engage in humorous hyperbolic excess, what with the double exclamation marks and general “Oh, whoops, went crazy!” kind of nonsense? Well, here’s a person employed by a major broadcast media company who sincerely writes this way, in real life — but much worse, as she also doesn’t know how sentences work, or how to punctuate or use those fancy upper-case letters. And this is fully intended for serious public consumption. Jesus fucking christ.
Also, just try to imagine a day inside this Greta person’s mind. No wonder Scientologists are terrified by the very idea of doing drugs.
Thanks to Wonkette Operative “technicolorjello” for the tip!
oh oh - what does this mean? [Greta Wire Blog]
What does this mean? It means Greta has teh crazy.
Joran? Isn’t that Superman’s father? Is Superman in on this? The plot thickens.
I can’t believe you made it through the whole GVS post without mentioning her landmark interview with Todd Palin.
Greta is still trying to push those French GSM-R networks onto our perfectly Free American Railroads. What a Communist bitch!
That photo of Bob Costas with Mel Gibson’s hair — oh oh what does it mean?
What does this mean?
Somebody skipped their Ativan this morning.
I won’t read the main post on general principle, but that photo is out of date; i.e. it definitely looks like it was taken three botched plastic surgeries ago.
^
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+-Is sick of hearing about Holloway.
This can only mean one thing. Obama murdered Holloway!
Rahm’s buddy used the time machine that Obama used to go back to fake his birth certificate and birth announcement and kill Natalie Holloway, because at some time in the future, Natalie held the final clue as to Obama’s true identity and birth.
Greta must now die, as she has let the secret out… damned investigative journalists! Some governor should fucking threaten to get her ass fired from her own fucking blog!
That pic is obvs BEFORE her landmark face transplant.
…the Trib tried to find Ann Coulter in several of her haunts including - get this - the post-op rehab center in Sheboygan!! That is where I had my procedure! As soon as I get off the train I will link the whole article…but this sure is odd!!
SayItWithWookies: She’s a man, baby!
Greta Van Sustern rides a train. One of Adolf Hitler’s favorite boasts was that he made the trains run on time. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT!
CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us: We can now conclusively prove that she was beaten to death with Truck Nutz!
Wait. I got it.
Let’s see.
Dick Cheney shot a guy in Texas.
JFK was shot in, yes, Texas.
Dick Cheney shot JFK!!
That forehead! Holy shit, that fucking forehead. It looks stitched on.
So, I’m just free associating here but…. Rahm Emmanuel’s emissary hangs out at Natalie Holloway’s old haunt which is in Aruba which has five letters just like the word “mason.” So we know the masons are involved. Masons are a secretive cult, but they also lay brick. A brick is what you call it when a basketball player misses a shot completely. Basketball is what Barack Obama was playing when he visited the troops in Kuwait which is in the Middle-east, which is near Israel where Jesus was born, lived and died but not before marrying Mary Magdalene, who carried his seed and bore him a child who’s descendants are last traced to France before disappearing for 500 years until they’re re-discovered in Poughkeepse, New York. That’s where we’ll find Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate! Somewhere in Poughkeepsie!
Have you read the comments posted on the blog? Hysterical. No, I mean, really.
“OMG Obama could have either had sex or done drugs with Natalee………
Let the bodies hit the floor”
That man scares me.
Greta V should never stand next to Campbell Brown, for her own good. Am I the only one here that thinks CB is becoming subversively cuter, and what do I do with that?
johnbpt: Ergo, Greta van Sustren is Eva Braun after 25 plastic surgeries.
johnbpt: Sorry, that was Mussolini, the fat Italian Fascist, not Hitler, the short, mustached German fascist…
Not to be confused with our very own Moose-o-lini, who has made the Alaska snow machines rin on time.
so she has an interweb connection with which she can read articles on-line, and with which she can make ‘postings’ to her ‘web-log’ but she is unable to ‘create’ a ‘hyperlink’?
FMA: FUCK! I thought that guy on the grassy knoll looked familiar!
Jimmy de Leo? Is that what the Eye-talians use instead of Joe the Plumber monikers? Is he buddies with Guido de Capricorn?
The commentators on Faux news are like the drunks at the end of a sports bar. They keep throwing crazy stuff out there, knowing that once one of their crazy predictions turns out to be right, their drunken friends will forget about the millions of times they were wrong. It worked for Nostradamos.
I am LITERALLY sick of hearing about Natalie, and her mom’s slanderous rampages here in the local press. No, really. LITERALLY sick of it. Upon hearing the name “Holloway” I boofed on myself and am calling 911 to take me to the ER.
Is this another one of those fake-out photos- like Britney for Joe the P- because the picture looks like a pre-op transexual.
This is clearly a similar setup akin to the CutNut’s twitter pages prior to the Backwards-B carving.
Now we are going to be subject to updates on her blog with the inevitable orchestrated finding of the victim somehow.
slithytoves: Obama could have either had sex or done drugs with Natalee
You can almost imagine the thought balloon over his head that sunny morning in Aruba. “Hmm. Should I have sex today or should I do drugs with Natalee?”
Serolf Divad: In the possession of Kevin Bacon. Right. Good work as usual, agent Serolf.
I’M SURPIZEDED GRETCHA IS NO BE WRITING LIKE DA BRAIN IS SHE WORKING.
I guess Fox has editors?!
Anybody remember the time Greta was on Space Ghost Coast to Coast?
slithytoves: I scanned the comments and got a headache. The top is nicely peppered with Truck Nutz references, though.
Remember back, a long long time ago, before Greta looked like a satanic barbie and could still move her face? Yeah, those were some good times.
I’m really not sure how “Greta Van Sustren’s Face” got left off of this list of the top 8 most horrifying body modifications. Breast implants for your girlie tattoos have nothing on that mug.
SayItWithWookies:
She can probably perform Riggs’ shoulder dis-location trick, too.
Obvs, everybody in the Excelsior Casino is guilty of something terrible, likely involving Natalie.
So let’s lock and bar the doors and windows and turn that casino into a cannibal jail. After the buffet and booze run out, the guests can eat each other.
The last one left standing gets an Applebee’s gift card for palette cleansing and the thanks of a grateful nation (The Netherlands?)…
Aruba… 120 out of 121 students agree its an awesome place.
Ken Layne, former Fox News blogger, eh? cough cough whore cough
I realize nobody has money for Brazilians anymore, but can’t she afford to have those brows waxed?
isn’t natalie’s mother shacking up with jon benet’s widowed father? if that’s not a coupling made in hell i don’t know what is! i’m sure greta had something to do with that introduction! maybe she can be in the wedding…
i seem to vaguely recall hearing a piece recently about “where in the world is joren vanderslughendimenhammervelt” or whatever his name is and it seems that he has disappeared after being last scene in thailand. did i hallucinate this?
ella: Eye-brows, Pubes? No Difference in her case.
This means that it is an incredibly slow news day here at our Wonkette.
SayItWithWookies: that’s surely a picture from middle aged men that look like lesbians, right?
whatever_dc: They were. Now she is split up, and bitter, back in Birmingham trying to figure out who is to blame for the murders this day.
norbizness: It’s Peter Fonda in hippie phase.
user-of-owls: Also buddies with Joey Pants and Jimmy Sack o’ Donuts
Greta is only capable of seemingly cogent analysis whenever a pretty, blonde white lady dies.
user-of-owls: No, I think Jimmy de Leo is a character from the song “Stagger Lee.” Greta’s been sampling the Dead on her I-pod, and got confused, is all.
As if there weren’t enough proof already, this dood gives credence to the phrase “Crazy in Alabama.”
StephanieInCA: Wait…can you really get breast implants for your tatoos? Awesome.
CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us: you mean bitter-er…
am i a bad person if i find jorgen vandersupercallafragalisticexpeealladociousslute sort of (like really) HAWT???
Born June 11, 1954 (1954-06-11) (age 54)
Appleton, Wisconsin, USA
Occupation Host of On the Record
(Fox News Channel)
Religious beliefs Scientology
i fucking knew it!!!!
(courtesy wikipedia)
Breaking news on CNN(so I guess on Fox too) is remains of Caylee(the new Natalie)
StripesAndPlaids: PopeyesPipe: MathewBrooks: Good lord, surely you aren’t suggesting that’s an actual non-photoshopped photo? I’m too afraid to google and find out. Truly.
monty: Explains a lot.
monty: Scientology, Fox News, Natalee Holloway - this chick’s gonna have a pretty comical/sad obituary.
Serolf Divad: greatgooglymoogly:
Wait, Serolf is on to something here…
Kevin Bacon was in A few Good Men with Tom Cruise, who was in The Color Of Money with Paul Newman, who was in The Verdict with Charlotte Rampling, who was in Zardoz with….
oooops, fuck, I’m on the wrong post. must. get. over. to. the. Karl. Marx. statue. thingy. also.
Palin-Plumber2012: You forgot what brought her to fame to begin with — O.J.
From the comments:
“OH NOES!!!! OBAMA KILLT NATALEEEEE TO DEATH!!!”
I salute you, whichever Wonketter you are.
Transmit on sub-space channel:
Thetans, come get yer cretin.
I once heard that some horse faced bitch with the initials GVS once pulled a train of guys in 1985 including John Holmes, Billy Barty, Emmanuel Lewis, James T. Kirk, the band KISS, Martin Lawrence and the entire cast of Revenge of the Nerds so she could use it as blackmail for a KGB, Mossad, Interpol and CIA counter intelligence op against the aliens (who coincidentally are beaming Pornographic images into my head) as part of the plot to take over the world’s supply of Cow Manure (which I read is used as fuel for starships from Mars.) Shhhhhhh! Don’t tell anyone!
Just going to readjust my tinfoil hat.
OH MY GOD! Some guy who knows a guy who knows Barack Obama stayed at a hotel where a something happened to a white girl once! SOUND THE MOTHERFUCKING ALARMS!!
ManchuCandidate: Bet Emmanuel Lewes was stuck with the very very sloppy ’seconds’
She looks a lot like my dead father. But with more wrinkles and a worse complexion…
Go away, Greta! Don’t you have a shit porn to film?
peatswift: she has one of those cheap “Wire” blogs, that is why.
The wooden ones last longer, and are better for the shoulders of your fine blouses.
that’s how they write scripts…in teevee nooz…so the anncr knows…when to take a breath - and get this - is just another way to help the anncr…pace the report…so it…sounds…serious……….
It’s amazing the way commenters on these blogs start all serious, then once Wonkette gets ahold - wham, truck nutz and more acts of seditious behavior. I plz can haz more sitez for spams?
whatever_dc: If you are I am too because that boy is yummy…in an overprivledged douchebag sort of way.
Do we have sufficient evidence now for Condi to present to the UN so we can invade Aruba already? We’ll nationalize the resorts and open them up for cheap Caribbean vacations for Americans–the invasion will pay for itself!
Wow in that pic she really looks like Sophie Scholl pumped full of drugs and put up in front of Leni Riefenstahl’s cameras to say “Heil Hitler” for a propaganda film.
a face only Mickey Rourke could love.
Fox News: the Anna Nicole Network. Who needs to know about the failing economy or that important black guy when there’s a pretty white girl missing/dead!?!? I’m also looking at you, CNN Headline News.
StephanieInCA: Are there pictures of the body mods on that list? ‘Cause I’m not real keen on clicking on some random link only to be hit by a full-colour pic of a Prinz Albert.
Greta is the poster boy (er, girl) of plastic surgery disasters. It creeps me out every time I see her.
Friends don’t let friends blog from their fucking cell phones.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nhQ7F8ckYI
dotdotdotdotdot: Banned!
Deepthroat: and Mickey will fuck ANYTHING, (onscreen or off)
Ken Layne: Can you direct me to the Terms of Use? I’m desperately afraid I might inadvertently step out of line and work would be dreadfully dull without commenting privileges.
Personally I would have banned him for referring to this site as “our” wonkette. It aint yours bitch. This is Layne country.
Ken Layne: *swoon*
Kev-O-Tron: “Nevar say ’slow news day” is pretty much the big rule. And I’ve also learned that “Nevar be sarcastic when the editors say ‘Stop being misogynistic” is another. Beyond that, just don’t be a noisy Paultard (quiet is OK)or go on and on about the Millennium Development Goals.
It looks like she has made some sort of half-assed, er I mean back-assward, attempt at sporting a mullet.
Are you SURE that photo is Greta?
http://www.svenskadansband.se/img461.htm
I’m just sayin’.
I understand the evil alien warlord Xenu was also staying at the Excelsior the weekend that Holloway disappeared. I bet Rahm Emmanuel put her on one of those DC-8 space planes and took her elsewhere in the Galactic Confederacy. That is what you believe, Greta, isn’t it?
GVS– UW-MADISON wants your diploma back.
Who the hell is Ken Layne?
I thought this was Sara K. Smith’s blog.
Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: ‘Twas I.
Thetan attack?
I am having waay too much fun with this story. I shall go now.
slithytoves:
wow…
Greta’s gone the way of Tom Cruise.
I still love GVS’s terrifying stalker interview with Sarah Palin: So there was this one afternoon where you were like, in 12 different places…it’s like…every time I checked up on you you were in a different place…it was crazy! And like, I called your people to see if I could talk to you, but they were like, no way, she’s in Saskatoon, but I’m looking at the teevee and you were totally in Charleston…so, like, where were you REALLY? Where were you on the afternoon of August 12th?
I don’t think Sarah Palin was ever closer to dropping out of the race than at that moment. She was looking ready to confess to the Natalee Holloway murder just to get the terrifying GVS monster out of her living room. I’m pretty sure she and Todd moved as soon as Greta left, with no forwarding address.
Isn’t this Ricky Martin in his last months of pregnancy? I thought so.
Theodorick Of York: Kevin Bacon was in A few Good Men with Tom Cruise, who was in The Color Of Money with Paul Newman…
Bloggo hot for the Color of Money, with the hair of Tom Cruise…
I’m banned, really?
Greta is a troubled person, a yin to Miss Maddow’s yang.
That’s nothing, Greta. One day I was taking a friend to the Kumback Lunch Cafe in Perry OK. The Kumback-with criminal connections where Pretty Boy Floyd once walked in with a gun, waved it around and told everyone to get out because he wanted to eat a good steak in peace–and who should be sitting there having lunch, but the very highway patrolman who arrested Tim McVeigh!! And took him to Perry, OK–to the courthouse across that very street that the Kumback is on. And at the exact moment I, I looked at the teevee in the cafe and there was George Bush in OKC dedicating the Murrah Building Memorial!!! Which was blown up by a fertilizer bomb and Perry has a lot of fertilizer and it grows brush that George likes to clear! Coincidence? I think not!
Was George Bush a co-conspirator with McVeigh? Holy shit, this is huge!
BTW–every word of the above is an absolutely true fact. Why doesn’t Fox News ask me to do a fucking blog?
slithytoves: “OMG Obama could have either had sex or done drugs with Natalee………
Let the bodies hit the floor”
The above poster sounds incredibly jealous that the blonde girl got to have sex or drugs with Hopey. Eat your heart out, wacko winger.
user-of-owls: I feel like shit and am incredibly depressed, but shit like Guido de Capricorn is making me totally laugh.
Ken Layne: Shit. You mean you guys actually hang out and read our crap after you give us the opening lines? Once the editors finish writing the breaking news story, I figured the Wonkerrati were on our own.
I promise to proofread every comment I ever dare to post. Promise.
Guppy06: “or go on and on about the Millennium Development Goals.”
If that’s the criterion, I pretty much think I’ll be a part of the wonkerrati for life.
For the love of baby Jeebus, don’t go to Aruba people! It’s a death trap!
The other thing is, stop beating up on Greta. She’s a mutant zombie, she only feasts on human brains, she’s starving to death over at FOX. The poor undead girl is hungry, let her chew on Anderson Coopers head for a while, she’ll be OK.
Please destroy Greta on her poll. She is winning 95% to 5%
http://gretawire.foxnews.com/2008/12/13/hhm3-out-of-3-i-wonder-who-is-blogging-todaycnn-management/#comments
monty: She is only the third most emabarassing Appleton export, after the John Birch Society & SKAppleton, an annual festival of trad-ska & ska-inflected punk/rock music.
peatswift: gues that means she has to get back to her assistant who has the secret recipe for making the hyperlink.
Engage hyperlink!!
Sassette: perfect synopsis: win
‘Fox News Nut Invents Conspiracy’ should be a weekly feature. Or, actually, since we’re moving into the annual War on Christmas coverage, it could probably be done once an hour.
How sad to be her hair.
Guess what, folks? This is what she looks like AFTER her corrective surgery!!!!
Is that Aileen Wuornos? No wonder she’s so into murders…
Finally - I was wondering where Roland Orzabal landed after ‘Tear for Fears’ …. Fox News!
She should have known better than to go to the same plastic surgeon as Dick Cheney.