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Barack Obama is a monster.He is the most POWERFUL MAN IN AMERICA, for certain. Not only did Barack Obama make the socialist slumlord community organizing frauds ACORN magically disappear several weeks before he stole the election from honorable Juan McCain, he has made every acorn in the nation vanish. Do not mess with Barack Obama.

In far-flung pockets of northern Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, West Virginia and other states, scientists have found no acorns whatsoever.

“I can’t think of any other year like this,” said Alonso Abugattas, director of the Long Branch Nature Center in Arlington, Virginia.

… “WHAT IS GOING ON?” posted a resident of Maplewood, New Jersey. “Now we are finding dead squirrels! SHOULD WE ALL BE CONCERNED?”

Yes! Yes, you should be very concerned. Number one, check the area for Dick Cheney. (He is often spotted lurking in bushes near vulnerable mammals.) Number two, check the area for Barack Obama. He enjoys “disappearing” his oldest and dearest friends, from William Ayers to Jeremiah Wright, and now he will stop at nothing to eliminate Acorns.

Scientists baffled by mysterious acorn shortage [CNN]

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43 COMMENTS

  1. It’s true. I saw a squirrel at my apartment complex the other day resorting to eating half a donut he scrounged out of God-knows-which cop car.

    DONUTS, PEOPLE!

  2. Acorns are just the attack vector. The real target is the squirrels. Everyone knows squirrels are a strong conservative base, so by starving them into poverty Barry can get his community organizing hooks into them and turn them to the librul side. Before you know it they’ll be lining up in acorn lines looking for a handout instead of foraging for themselves. Welfare state indeed!

  3. Last year Garris reported a bumper crop of acorns, which scientists say may be one clue to this year’s scarcity. Virginia extension agent Adam Downing said acorn production runs in cycles, so a lean year is normal after a year with a big crop.

    “It fits with the physiology of seed reproduction. The trees are exhausted, energy wise, from last year,” Downing said.

    I’ll have to try that one on my wife when I’m beat from the day and too exhausted to perform.

  4. [re=197289]BarthexDeRosa[/re]: I work on a university campus in the saintly state of Illinois. Our squirrles live on fries and cheesypoofs courtesy of the students. They are by far the fattest squirrels I have ever seen.

  5. John Rohm, wildlife biologist for Prince William, Loudoun, Fairfax, and Arlington counties in northern Virginia, has faith in the furry population.

    Dammit man, this is not time to talk about socially backwards pasty people in costumes — we’ve got serious things to consider!

  6. Before they even ask, no bailout for the acorn producers until they de-unionize.

    [re=197291]grendel[/re]: Bbbbutt, squirrels played the lead roles in “Why Mommy is a Democrat.”

  7. [re=197291]grendel[/re]: It’s a sad day when the hard work of the little furry guys goes the way of the road kill victim, squashed making a mad dash for the promised land of a late pecan crop on the other side of the road. And all because of truck nutz.

    Every dead squirrel leads to another unloved acorn, all victims of truck nutz. Truck nutz will never replace acorns. It can’t be true. It can’t be!

  8. [re=197291]grendel[/re]: All the squirrels I know are totally Obamatards, because under the wingnuts, there won’t be an endangered species list to add them to when all the acorns are spent. They told me this as they were feasting on my deck furniture and tomatoes.

  9. [re=197327]quoth teh Raven[/re]: Yeah, it’s completely impossible. I know there are nuts in Virginia: Deez nuts! Sorry, that was aweful, but I had to.

  10. In our new Hobo America, Acorns are a valuable traded commodity. Its no wonder they’ve gone missing. Or its possible the squirrel’s natural enemy has returned to earth and will destroy them by stealing their food supply.

  11. Given our hobo economy, is it a mystery as to why the acorns are disappearing? Do you really think that people are going to leave a potential food source lying around for RODENTS to eat? Think about it the next time someone offers you an acorn butter sandwich.

  12. Well at least there is a systematic end to VOTER CORRUPTION and RACISTS AGAINST WHITES. These voter initiative programs were merely hurting America, letting all the LIBERAL squirrels not be disenfranchised…. the shame.

  13. [re=197348]cal[/re]: There was an article a few years ago warning people about making sure no squirrel brains got into whatever that nasty stew is- it could cause C-J disease(which is mad cow for people). So make sure you cut the head off first.

  14. [i]”Last year we collected 25,000 pounds of seeds, most from a bumper crop of acorns,” said McNamee. “This year we only collected 10,000 pounds, and [b]90 percent of that was WALNUTS[/b].”[/i]

    CONSPIRACY!!1!! CONSpiorACY!!!11

  15. I blame furries.

    Look, just because *some* of us use acorns to lure squirrels into our homes so we can have hot, hot sex with them doesn’t mean we *all* do. Though we all, in fact, do.

  16. Hmmm, maybe this explains why the squirrels ate the pecans off my tree before they even hit the ground, and then chewed big holes in all the neighborhood Halloween pumpkins. I just refilled my sparrow/squirrel feeder, so don’t send me a freakin’ e-mail asking to donate to the squirrels, David Plouffe.

  17. My word you people will just blame our Barry for everything won’t you? Has it ever occurred to you that he isn’t making them disappear? He’s just gathering them for the winter to feed all of the poor people that Bush is leaving in his wake. They’ll have acorn soup and acorn hash and acorn pie. Barry is being proactive about the coming starvation and distitution created Bushonomics.

  18. The original Brunswick Stew, according to Brunswick County historians, was created in 1828 by black chef, “Uncle” Jimmy Matthews. As the story goes, Dr. Creed Haskins, of Mount Donum on the Nottoway River and a member of the Virginia State Legislature for a number of years, took several friends on a hunting expedition. While the group hunted, Jimmy Matthews, Dr. Haskin’s camp cook, hunted squirrel for the evening meal. Matthews slowly stewed the squirrels with butter, onions, stale bread and seasoning in a large iron pot. While the hunting party returned they were reluctant to try the new, thick concoction but, one taste convinced them to ask for more.

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