delusions

‘Upbeat,’ ‘Positive’ Hairsuited Moron Blagojevich Forges Ahead

He will save the economy!Rod Blagojevich, the fifth Beatle, was arrested just three days ago for being a comical idiot who got caught on tape swearing his face off while plotting to sell Barack Obama’s vacated Illinois Senate seat. But he’s not letting anything like an arrest and national humiliation get him down, oh no! He is upbeat and positive about, uh, ignoring all the polls that say he should resign, because a terribly disgraced and effectively powerless governor has many important things to attend to — things he cannot possibly hope to affect in the slightest!

Here’s what spokesman Lucio Guerrero had to say to a local Chicago news affiliate:

“I don’t even know if he knows about those things [like Barack Obama saying he should resign]. I mean, I think he’s got bigger things to worry about, like the state budget, the economy, things like that. Making sure the state continues to run and not those types of things.”

Rod Blagojevich will fix the economy by calling it a motherfucker and selling it, for 90 yen, to Jesse Jackson Jr.

Spox: ‘Upbeat’ Blago Has ‘Bigger Things to Worry About’ than Calls for his Resignation [The Note]

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Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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64 comments

  1. Terry

    Illinois exists to make Ohio, Florida, Mississipi, and Louisiana residents all feel better about themselves.

  2. grendel

    90 yen? When he was trying to sell it to me he said the price was 1 Golden Amero personally delivered (via blimp) by the Golden Emperor Dr. Ron Paul. Damn, I got robbed!

  3. Mr Blifil

    Look, he’s getting TV time. No matter the circumstances, while it’s happening to you, it’s a major rush. No wonder he’s upbeat. It’s after they turn the lights and cameras off he and his family, and his wigmaker, should be worried about.

  4. PeteJayhawk v2.0

    [re=197212]Terry[/re]: Really, Mississippi? Yeah, living in some crappy Mississippi backwater (but I repeat myself) is so superior to living in Chicago.

  5. Darehead

    Rod’s got bigger things to think about. Right.
    And Blaggy Waggy:

    With the thoughts you’ve been thinkin’
    you can be another Lincoln…
    if you only had a …
    Wait. No. You’ll never have a brain. Not enough room under the hair.

  6. KilgoreTrout_XL

    “Honey, what’s for f*cking dinner, you whore, oh no that’s good actually, you filthy f*ck, I like fresh ham, work was fine, f*ck you, bitch, I’m coming the f*ck home now, I will parachute me into the f*cking dinner room in thirty f*cking minutes, yes I paid the cable bill, yeah go f*ck yourself too, do you need me to pick up anything on the way?”

    Today we are all illinois governors with lego haircuts.

  7. WadISay

    How about a little reportage on Mrs. Blagojevich? “Foul mouthed harridan” sounds kind of hot.

    O/T, but Marshall McLuhan famously said that the purpose of programming was to package viewers and deliver them to advertisers. Thank you, Wonkette, for delivering me to Campbell Brown.

  8. p-Sludge ofTheElves

    Blaggo, you’ve really got a point there, but if you keep your hair piled up on top of your scalp, nobody will notice.

  9. Larry McAwful

    In my fantasy world, Rod Blagojevich flees to Serbia and is caught and sent to The Hague for trials of his crimes against humanity or something. Slobodan Milosevic is still alive and he and Blagojevich get together to reënact All in the Family episodes in Serbian, because Milosevic looks freakishly like Carroll O’Connor and I think Blagojevich could pull off a credible Meathead. The videos are leaked to YouTube and are an instant smash. You should see them. They’re frickin’ awesome.

  10. Larry McAwful

    [re=197224]WadISay[/re]: I’m starting to feel that way about Campbell Brown, too. It’s a lot like how I felt about the SWIM girl in the American Outfitter ads that used to run here.

    No one can pull me away from Greta Wodele, though. Or is it Brauner now? Whatever she’s called, my first TV love is on C-SPAN (unless you count certain cast members of Gilmore Girls.)

  11. Vewol Mevemont

    I never understood why he dropped Rebecca Romjin. The guy had nothing going for him after Full House, so it’s not like he could upgrade to a new Victoria Secret model.

  12. AngryBlakGuy

    …isn’t a 13% approval rating constitutional grounds for Coup D’etat? And I’m not talking about those bloodless ones. I’m talking about, chasing the motherfukkers into the streets and hanging their naked bodies in the city square; kind of Coup D’etat!!!

  13. Guppy06

    [re=197223]GIJoeIce[/re]: I’ll give him all the respect he wants so long has he leaves my kneecaps intact.

  14. bhosp

    [re=197222]KilgoreTrout_XL[/re]: This is how my wife and I talk to each other. We’re not angry, we just say ‘fuck’ a lot. It’s such a versatile word, you can use it instead of ‘uh’, ‘um’, etc.

  15. PrairiePossum

    It should take the Illinois Legislature 5 minutes to impeach him. I don’t know what the hold-up is.

    They shouldn’t worry about a court challenge to a sloppy process. Any judge would tell Blaggy to go f*ck himself and get a haircut.

  16. CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    [re=197212]Terry[/re]: In Alabama we have a saying: “Thank God for Mississippi!” So I guess we can add Illinois to that sadly short list.

    Though, we are no longer number one in the nation for lard asses. YAYY!

  17. shortsshortsshorts

    Rod hass 2 figuur out dat globl worming doz not exis caus win eyes melts it makes watr RETRACT, not xpand.

  18. BarthexDeRosa

    You think William Devane is too old for the movie? Cuz he’s got a great William Devane thing going on…

  19. ironyisoverrated

    Speaking of morons and retards, Hot Rod’s approval rating stands at a sparkly 7% according to a recent poll. So the question that follows is naturally, “How the FUCK is it that high?!?!”

    Clearly a robust 7% of the state benefits from Blago pay to play. It should be some measure of comfort to the vile retard that once the feds are done, he’ll have plenty of Blagoje-bitches to share his cell.

  20. Miller

    We are certain that someone told him he was being arrested for massive corruption and that it wasn’t a free tour of a police station, right? He is aware they have hours of him on tape braying like a jackass, right? He probably just went in to work so he could steal pens and printer ink cartridges.

    http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/

  21. shanemcgowan

    [re=197231]Larry McAwful[/re]: I’m almost ashamed to admit that Moosekiller Barbie brought me to Wonkette. About a year ago, before anyone had heard of her, Newsweek included her in a flattering piece about female governors. I googled her, found Wonkette, and learned what a GILF was. Still, I’m kind of partial to the SWIM girl

  22. Serolf Divad

    [re=197268]Miller[/re]:

    I can imagine him holding onto the bars of his cell being all: “Wow, this almost feels like I’m really in jail!”

    Any way. I’m certainly looking forward to Blago’s learning how it almost feels like to spend ten years behind bars.

  23. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=197234]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: That all sounds unnecessarily messy; maybe the Illinois Sect of State could just throw all his stuff out in the street and change the locks on him.

  24. pondscum

    [re=197265]ironyisoverrated[/re]: Mental retardation occurs in 2.5 to 3% of the general population. So, either Illinois has a higher than average level of tards or 4% of non-retared people actually like this guy. Amazing.

  25. NoWireHangers

    [re=197212]Terry[/re]: Never. I’ve still got Illinois back. Yes, Blago is horrible, but he’s comedic gold. Illinois will never be Mississippi or Florida. Those states are shit stains. Illinois is still the land of Lincoln and Obama. That’s like #1 historically. And we had the first African American woman in the Senate, yes she was corrupt to, but that’s how we do. Now I live in Cali, but I’ll defend Illinois FOR-EV-ER. That said, RESIGN BLAGO!

  26. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=197271]Serolf Divad[/re]:

    “I can imagine him holding onto the bars of his cell being all: ‘Wow, this almost feels like I’m really in jail!’”

    Don’t forget the ass-fucking going on while he’s bracing himself holding said bars.

  27. 2druk2phluq

    [re=197281]NoWireHangers[/re]: You take that back about Florida. All of the incontinent elds use adult diapers, so there are no stains. Also, Florida has the best blow of all states. Speaking of history, I’ll see your Abraham Lincoln with a Jeb Bush (truly a shining political star) and raise you a Miami Vice.

    Chicago was filled by people who escaped from Louisiana during the Great Depression, and until Bush killed everyone in the Crescent City it was very much like Chi-Town.

  28. Dildo Baggins

    [re=197281]NoWireHangers[/re]: Yeah Hangers, I am a former Illinoisan, someone whose first conscious memory was going to a Cubs game, and who can still taste Harold’s Chicken Shack, but this guy is just a loser. He may be colorfully corrupt, but he’s no Daley. If he had been operating when Royko was in his prime, he wouldn’t have lasted half this long.

  29. Terry

    [re=197281]NoWireHangers[/re]:
    “Illinois is still the land of Lincoln and Obama.”

    Puuuulease. You’re starting to sound as snooty as those damn Virginians. I think they still trump you pretty well on Presidents.

  30. Warren Terror

    Hey, Joe Scarborough agrees with me that the Feds got nothing. And he’s a guy (Klausutis) who should know when the Feds got nothing. Look for Blagojevich to get his own TV show, a la “Morning Joe.” I’d suggest a name but I can’t think of anything funny that goes with “Rod.”

  31. Bowdoin

    Is there any action yet on the Shoplifter Shuffle? All store security knows you can’t bust a perp inside the store; he can always say, “I always stash the goods in my pants; I don’t trust these rolly carts.” Also, the vice squad always waits with ba(i)ted breath outisde the door until the john passes the green to the hooker. Same with monitored drug deals. No pay, no bust. Why cannot Badhair Blago simply say he was all involved in an alternate reality show? After all, no goods were exchanged.

  32. SayItWithWookies

    I find Blago kinda disappointing, really. He’s like one of those villains in a thriller where you’re hoping at the end of the movie you’ll find he’s got a complex, twisted set of motivations for his bizarre murders — and then the writers just crap out at the end by having the heroes stand over his corpse and saying “that’s why he did it — he was insane.” I mean, come on — Rod Blagojevich, you can do better than just being a witless megalomaniac, can’t you?

    That said, I think he should be played by Emilio Estevez in the movie version — I mean, if anyone should be excellent at playing a two-dimensional egotistical never-was, it’d be him.

  33. gurukalehuru

    What I can’t understand is how he has a lower approval rating than Chimpy McCodpiece. I mean, all he did was take a lot of bribes. It’s not like he declared war on Iowa, such as.

  34. Borat

    I think the Blagger is now starting to scam a book and movie deal: “The Guv’nor Who Nevr Quits”. I’ll bet (Jimmy) Buffett will give him a $1m for that to write the theme tune then those Hollywood elites will give his wife a seat on the board of the production company for $1m a year, and someone else can give him a $1m for something else and soon he’ll be as famous as Arnie and run for governor.

  35. Borat

    [re=197224]WadISay[/re]: Yes, I would like to see a husband & wife press conference. I also assumed she hasn’t resigned from any boards yet?

  36. Larry McAwful

    [re=197391]Woodwards Friend[/re]: Of all the things I’d ever want anyone to say about me, “My God, how much he sounds like Kwame Kilpatrick” is pretty near the bottom of the list.

  37. Borat

    I have to be honest, I never heard of the Blagger before a few days ago (or I had heard about him and blocked it.

    Why does it seem he only wears black turtlenecks? He does look like a 60s Bond character. Does he have minions?

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