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Jesse Jackson Jr. Was That ‘Candidate #5’ Who Had Sex With Kristen, In Washington

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Now that is one HELL of a ribbed dildoHa ha, sucks: “WASHINGTON — Federal authorities on Wednesday identified Democratic Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. of Illinois as the potential United States Senate candidate who was portrayed in court papers made public Tuesday as being the most deeply enmeshed in the alleged scheme by Gov. Rod Blagojevich to benefit from his appointment of a new senator to the seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama.” Uh oh, Daddy Jackson will have to CUT HIS NUTZ OFF now.

Just kidding, Jesse Jackson Sr. probably forced his son to get involved in this particular corruption scheme in order to earn his November allowance. Remember when Sr. cried on Obama’s election night, and you all cried because you saw Jesse Jackson Sr. crying about, uh, that black president that he never even liked? Exactly. What?:

Mr. Jackson said in an interview with ABC News that he did not know whether he was the anonymous Candidate 5 mentioned by federal prosecutors in the affidavit supporting their criminal complaint against Mr. Blagojevich. He said that the prosecutors in Chicago told him he was not a target of the criminal inquiry. But he said they had asked him to answer questions about the selection process by Mr. Blagojevich to fill the seat.


“It is impossible for someone on my behalf to have a conversation that would suggest any type of quid pro quo or any payments or offers,” Mr. Jackson said in comments broadcast by ABC News. “An impossibility to an absolute certainty.”

According to the English Language, not much breathing room stands between between “an impossibility” and “an absolute certainty.” But in politics the impossible becomes possible and absolute certainties become $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ etc.

It’s good to know that America’s Illinois Politicians get along so well. You know, how Obama apparently dislikes his NATIONAL CAMPAIGN CO-CHAIRMAN, Jesse Jackson Jr., so much that Jr. was forced to offer Blaggy a million dollars to ward off Obama’s influence. Or something. Rahm should just rat them all out, which he already did.

Officials Say Jackson Was ‘Candidate 5’ In Case [NYT]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • Carrie_Okie

    I am candidate 69!

  • BillyClubb

    Jesse Jackson Sr. cried on Obama’s election night only because he was in the crowd with the unwashed masses and not on stage with Obama. “I should have never said I wanted to cut that guy’s nuts off… boo hoo.”

  • Delicious

    Is that his Scoliosis Awareness Award?

  • Disinterested

    I had a feeling those mysterious candidates had been numbered according to their whore diamond count.

  • nsps

    Maybe when he said “An impossibility to an absolute certainty,” he meant that it was somewhere in the range between an impossibility and an absolute certainty that he or someone on his behalf would have a conversation that would suggest any type of quid pro quo or any payments or offers. It turns out it was closer to the absolute certainty end.

  • freakishlystrong

    That looks like Alien VS Predator..

  • Manofsteel

    When Jesse Jackson Sr. said Obama was disrespecting black people way back when, causing the world ended for like six seconds, it’s obvious now that by “black people,” he meant his son. Obama doesn’t care about Jesse Jackson Jr., or his enormous sense of entitlement.

  • nsps

    [re=195920]Delicious[/re]: That was my thought.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Be careful there Jim. Isn’t Jr a black belt in something Asian involving breaking heads and kicking ass?

  • Voyou Charmant

    Why is it so difficult for politicians to just not be corrupt? If they aren’t corrupt because of greed/power, they are corrupt by the, apparently, sweet sweet temptation of random underage wangs/asses, or women that are not their wives.

    Is it just a component of the personality that takes an interest in politics? I mean, Jesus fuck, we haven’t even had the inauguration and already the Dems are trying to show that they, just like the Republicans, can be corrupt.

  • ToeCramps

    Wah? Hopey couldn’t help a brutha out? 500 stacks for a senate seat? That seat must vibrate, massage and satisfy all at once! Do they sell a knock off of those seats at teh Wal-mart?

  • Iggy Plop

    JJ, Jr. has got a million to front to Blags for a Senate seat? Curious path to riches, that: son of a preacher man, shadow Senator, and national race dialogue irritant goes to the House of Representatives and starts pulling down the cash that keeps him in the five diamond whores.

  • hedgehog

    First there was the Keating Five. Now, it’s the Jackson 5!

  • Woodwards Friend

    Can we just get Peter Fitzgerald back? He’s apparently the only Illinois politician other than Barrack Obama who isn’t involved in some kind of horrible, horrible corruption. Plus he was right about the cockpunch that was the post-9/11 airline bailout.

  • Mustang

    Forget politics! He’s got a great future in porn.

  • civan93

    Is governor Ryan out of prison yet?

  • tiger

    He’s totally hot. I’ll fuck him. Oh wait, what do i get?

  • magic titty

    I thought black people played electric bass?

  • Sarjo

    Seriously, this just makes me sad sad sad.

  • Mustang

    Or, maybe as a gas station attendant. It’s hard to tell.

  • Vanity Smurf

    Oh. How shocking. JJ Jr. Sleazy and Corrupt. Whocoodanode?

  • Mustang

    [re=195946]tiger[/re]: Way to monetize!

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=195946]tiger[/re]: I believe, per the post above, he’s already fucked…

  • unprotoize

    They’re picking off the worst of the Illinois politicians from the bottom up. Daley’s days are numbered. Seriously. If I could short sell stock in the Daley empire I’d do it right now.

    (For you beltwaytarians:

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=195946]tiger[/re]: here’s another son, maybe you could get a package deal

  • lazynamepicker

    And to think that all the a**-kissing and self-promoting that Jr. has been doing all over the teevee wasn’t enough.

  • tonehedge

    Why does he have Rev. Al Sharpton’s dildo on his hand?

  • MoonshineJoe

    Wait, is he holding a gilded spinal column (a la sub-zero)? He just cold ripped some dudes neck out and then dipped it in gold? Hard-core sez eye.

  • obfuscator

    J-Cubed has to be crapping himself right now. Rod Roddy is on tape implying that [Candidate 5] offered something “tangible” up front with a promise of fundraising aid after the appointment was made. If this goes badly, we might have another vacant seat in congress.

  • Larry McAwful

    I understand Jesse Jackson, Jr. said, “This would have been a good day to call in gay…”

  • SpecialHorse


  • WadISay

    [re=195954]unprotoize[/re]: Do the next best thing: bet on someplace besides Chicago to get the nod from the Olympic Site Selection Committee. The only Olympic event Chicago will be hosting anytime soon will be the bribery and bumdiddling biathalon.

  • IslandGirlFL

    I sat near JJ Sr. at Invesco. He cried then too. During Barry’s acceptance speech, ya’lls. But was it cuz he was moved or because “THAT SHOULDA BEEN ME….WAHHHHHH!”. Who knew he was such a cry-baby? Makes Hillary look stoic as hell.

  • God Hates Frogs

    Little-known fact. Junior is an accomplished theremin player and was founder of “Colored Boy ‘n the Tidy Whiteys.” He is pictured receiving The Bronze Theremin from Timbaland.

  • LittlePig

    [re=195932]Voyou Charmant[/re]: Please. “just like the Republicans”? Let the Dems swindle a half-trillion into something like Halliburton and we’ll talk.

  • bago


  • blader

    JJSr cried on election night because it finally dawned on him how much it was gonna cost to have #5 installed in the senate.

  • sux2bu

    Gentlemen, I have decided there will be, uh, no investigation. Now if you will excuse me I’ll go away.

  • NunnaTheSOBs

    that power hungry little shit
    is just like his bullshit
    preacher father — so impressed
    with himself that he can’t FATHOM
    why others can’t see his obvious
    it was so transparent that AT LEAST
    ONE of the reasons he was so PRO
    OBAMA, was a desire to see his
    perfect self in the US Senate.
    if the GOPers would get past
    nominating fuckups and dumbasses,
    maybe those of us who LOATHE
    these fake ass “candidates of the
    people” would hav a real choice
    in national elections.

  • lempha

    [re=195946]tiger[/re]: I heard he’s not willing to give anyone anything except appreciation. Fuck him.

  • sanantonerose

    It looks like a jointed, bendable brass dildo. A really long one.

  • zhubajie

    [re=195977]WadISay[/re]: You don’t think the Olympic Committee is clean, do you? Surely you know that Salt Lake and Sydney got the Games via bribery?

    Zhu Bajie