A Children’s Treasury Of Comical Excerpts From Blaggy’s FBI Affadavit

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Well, we had to do this post at some point (not really!). Thank you to The Smoking Gun for providing this juicy excerpt from the FBI’s affadavit re: the various stupid crimes of Illinois Governor Rod “Blaggy” Blagojevich in his attempt to sell a United States Senate seat for a cushy job, a cushy job for his wife, or just some cold motherfuckin’ cash, preferably from Warren Buffett, who has lots of it.

On Election eve, it became clear even to stupid people like Blaggy that Barack Obama would win the presidency, and the Illinois Governor (me!) would have the authority to fill the vacant Senate seat. Um, JACKPOT much?:

The very wise Blaggy explained the complex situation in layman’s terms to his minstrel, the wicked Mr. Harris. Blaggy told Mr. Harris about “the trick,” which is that the “negotiation” for the Senate seat must be done “indirectly,” because they wouldn’t want it to seem too fishy — no smoking guns, as they say — when the damn Feds come a-lookin’. Blaggy had already mastered “the trick” of secrecy with his untraceable method: to ask everyone in power, directly, how much money they would give him:

 
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Minstrel Harris heard on the Internet sometime that there are some “private foundations” that he could run or something and they all pay a million dollars a year. He named a few of these, including the Red Cross, which has a long and proud history of being run by people equally as corrupt as Blaggy. Blaggy responded, sure, whatever, private loser company sounds fine, make them all give me money:

Minstrel Harris googled around some more about these private foundations and prepared a detailed report about each one’s capacity for top-down corruption. Blaggy just wanted a cold motherfuckin’ number.

This passage reveals Blaggy’s inability to differentiate between what people “can” do and what they “will” do. Most people learn about this distinction during childhood:

Blaggy told Minstrel Harris that he really needed some fucking money. Minstrel Harris told him that it was in their interest both to maintain the security of the Blaggy Family’s balance sheet — for the assets to be greater than the liabilities, as it were — and to monitor the political environment through which they sought to navigate. Blaggy told Minstrel Harris that he really needed some fucking money:

After much thought, Blaggy acknowledged that Barack Obama probably would not appoint him to a Cabinet-level position for the pussy reasons that (a) his approval rating was 4% (literally) and (b) his approval rating was 4% because he was involved a multi-year corruption scandal. What the heck is that? Why would know-it-all Obama have assumed that Blaggy was a crook, except for Blaggy’s constant attempts to extort him everyday?:

Blaggy then set his sights on a new plan, this one involving a record number of maneuvers that “can,” technically, take place: Get Obama to give the damn wife a bunch of high-profile jobs — she probably has a high school degree or whatever, good enough — in exchange for his Senate choice. Untraceable!:

Blaggy didn’t understand why Obama or his staff would reject these sexy sexy deals he kept putting together — they were like the subprime mortgage-backed securities of Illinois politics, for Christ’s sake!:

At this point Blaggy started running around the mansion, naked, carrying a bindle of live rats over his shoulder, screaming at the wall, asking the kitchen chefs and dogs why they wouldn’t give his wife $150,000 or however the fuck much they always should be giving her:

Minstrel Harris opened a bottle of $4 champagne and shared it with a despondent Blaggy on the kitchen floor. They talked about how weird it is that in a supposedly “free country,” there are an awful lot of laws. Then! Lightbulb: Blaggy realized that if he appointed himself to the Senate seat, then there would be no laws! He told Minstrel Harris to google around for more info on this:

As Minstreal Harris was looking at Internet porn, Blaggy remembered from the teevee that Obama knew Warren Buffett, who is rich — maybe a little TOO RICH? — and probably would want to give some of that fortune to, uh, Blaggy:

What was all of this for, Blaggy? Now we know: he wanted to be president in 2016, or escape current impeachment, whichever is better. Because if HE was president, then imagine all the jobs HE could give to Gov. Rod Blagojevich of Illinois, right?:

Obama Senate Seat For Sale? [The Smoking Gun]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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141 comments

  1. Borat

    I like how they protect the names of the people he’s talkng to/about, but don’t bother to delete the swear words

  2. wheelie

    Great write-up JN, and you left the best bit for last – he’s planning a run for President! Go Blaggy, go!

  3. Borat

    The Blagger come off as being way too needy for cash. What is his house being foreclosed upon?

    Of course, he lives in the Guv’s mansion. I knew those Arabs were looking for a prime location in Springfield

  4. Scandalabra

    I now understand the expression, “I am floored”. Because I am on the floor, and I can’t get up.

  5. TwistedMister

    “Thank you to The Smoking Gun for providing this juicy excerpt from the FBI’s affadavit” It’s double spaced with 2″ columns…it doesn’t take that long to read, lazybones.

  6. Hans_Christian_Henderson

    [re=195116]sk1win[/re]: That sounds like something Lincoln would do.

    He always seemed so polite.

  7. Kev-O-Tron

    I don’t think either party is anymore corrupt than the other, per say. But Democrats are just shameless in their thieving. Shit….who was the cash in the freezer guy? Jefferson?

    Democratic politicians: this is a plea for less thieving and more buttsecks. You are the party of teh ghey BTW.

  8. wheelie

    [re=195122]sra[/re]: President Blago could assemble the best Team of Rivals ever. On the one hand, there would be him, and then every other fuckin person in Illinois would be the Rivals! Done and done.

  9. ChicagoJoe

    A man with an 8% approval rating wants to join a body with a 13% approval rating, and he thinks that will catapult him to the Presidency?

  10. Min

    [re=195126]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Alas, Democrats apparently only cheat on their wives with other women. I blame a lack of imagination, myself.

  11. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=195132]Min[/re]: Tsk tsk, you forget good old David Vitter (Rep from LA). He hooked up with a woman. Yeah, she was a hooker & she probably used a ball gag, whips, chains & a huge black dildo on him, but still he probably almost got kicked out of the secret Republican club for violating the rules.

  12. charlesdegoal

    Maybe he needed the money for drugs. The criminal complaint says of his associate Stuart Levine that “Levine has further admitted to using illegal narcotic drugs for approximately 30 years up to and including 2004 [when he was convicted], including the repeated and regular use of cocaine, crystal methamphetamine, ecstasy, and ketamine.” As I pointed out in an earlier thread, ketamine is used for the “treatment” of heroin addiction.

  13. Violenza

    Reading ROD BLAGOJEVICH over and over in all caps in funny font really just made me hysterical about ROD BLAGOJEVICH and the matte ebony locks of ROD BLAGOJEVICH

  14. SayItWithWookies

    Seeing his statements about making the negotiations appear aboveboard is like getting a lecture on the finer points of haggling by somebody who just broke down the door to the Wal-Mart, trampled a temp worker, grabbed a Wii out of an old lady’s shopping cart and dashed to his car with a line of screaming people following him into the parking lot. If most vulgarians have this little self-knowledge then there’s no hope for America.

  15. sanantonerose

    [re=195138]Violenza[/re]: It’s even funnier if you read his name in a different voice.

    Also, if he needed money, why didn’t he just ask Oprah?

  16. OffTheRecord

    Wow. Just wow. He is a genuine moran.

    Also, I am very glad someone picked out the good parts so I didn’t have to read the whole thing. I got bored with all of the lawyeryness after about ten pages.

  17. Violenza

    [re=195141]sanantonerose[/re]: I heard ROD BLAGOJEVICH in my head as a robot voice. Jesus, I just saw this guy on TV, and how fucking low is his hairline?! Why crooked politicians always be having that crazy, too-low toupee? Cianci had a bad case of it too…

  18. CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    [re=195141]sanantonerose[/re]: That’s what I’d like to know. 10 bucks says it was his sidekick, Harris.

  19. PeteJayhawk v2.0

    [re=195114]Borat[/re]: No, he doesn’t live in the governor’s mansion. He commutes from Chicago on the taxpayers’ dime. Refuses to even step foot in the governor’s mansion.

    This guy has been a known piece of shit in Illinois for quite some time.

  20. Scandalabra

    Blaggy’s lawyer said on Talking Points Memo that he has done nothing wrong. Whew! I hate when these things get blown all out of proportion. Everybody move on now..nothing to see here…

  21. 4tehlulz

    I liked the transciption’s attention to detail. Rarely do you ever see someone use the apostrophe at the end of “fuckin’”; usually people just type “fucking.” I appreciate that, shows attention to detail and careful listening. It is this type of attention to detail that ROD BLAGOJEVICH could learn from, once he gets out of Pound-Me-In-The-Ass prison in 2273.

  22. bitchincamaro

    Newell: If Wonkette is officially endorsing “Blaggy” instead of the more familiar native Illini “Blago”, bitchincamaro is here to back you 100 per cent! Doesn’t matter what the Chicago commenters are saying about you and your colleagues. Fuck ‘em.

    Srsly, great post. You must have popped a brain vein on this one!

    *can I expect a sack o’ cash for my inrivaled support?*

  23. myheadsexploding

    I feel sorry for the law clerk who had to keep typing ROD BLAGOJEVICH. You can tell it made him or her mad because they YELLED the name in capital letters all over the place.

  24. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=195153]bitchincamaro[/re]: You’re gonna want Euros, or possibly chunks of Ron Paul’s gold instead of Ameros. They. Are. Worthless.

  25. Orthette

    [re=195114]Borat[/re]: He actually has refused to live in the Gov’s Mansion in Springfield. He’d rather get flown back and forth from Chicago daily on the state’s plane.

  26. ogradybt

    Oh, “bleeping awesome”–I get to read this post just as a voice actor on Marketplace is reciting the affadavit!

  27. sk1win

    I nominate Blags as his nickname because it’s easier to type and sounds like an intestinal disease: ‘I got a bad case of the Blags and it’s giving me anal mucus something terrible’. Blags also has cross-over appeal in the singular form: ‘Eat a Blag of dicks, fuckwad’.

  28. ManchuCandidate

    I don’t know how Obama came out of Illinois free of the corruption taint, but I’m guessing he’s the 2nd coming not to get roped in by guys of the ilk of Blaggy.

    I’m betting that Randy “Duke” Cunningham and Conrad “Lord Blackturd” Black will be happy to see Rod as Fresh Meat.

  29. Internally valid

    They missed one: Blagojevich said he knew that the President-elect wanted Senate Candidate 1 for the open seat but “they’re not willing to give me anything except appreciation. [Expletive] them.”

    Haha. The only one he could get to help him was some union member who couldn’t actually do anything.

  30. azw88

    OK, since Obama dissed this clowns advances, Billo rant about how Obama KNEW the guy was being bugged and didn’t go for it in 3… 2…

  31. honkeyman

    As you will recall, Abbie Hoffman put LSD in the Chicago water supply about 40 years ago. We are just now reaping the effects.

  32. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=195152]4tehlulz[/re]: Must be the Palin effect. She made it popular to have horrible grammar & to drop your ‘gs.

  33. populucious

    A while back I heard this NPR story about Obama’s early career, and the basic gist I got was that Barry was just too freakin nice to ever truly succeed at Chicago-style politics, so he had to go national. I’m not sure if he’s to be lauded or criticized for his lack of imagination. I mean, how can you not go corrupt when surrounded by smooth talkers like Blaggy? They make it seem so inviting. “Alright, which one of you f—rs want’s to suck my c–k? Step right up and give me $20.”

  34. Mr. Todd

    i cant believe that ROD BLAGOJEVICH would ever suggest the ROD BLAGOJEVICH do something like that. i’m so disillusioned.

  35. SayItWithWookies

    [re=195153]bitchincamaro[/re]: Yeah, that’s fuckin’ gold. You’re not gonna give that away for fuckin’ nothing.

  36. Fly-over Correspondent

    Remember, the only reason Blago even got elected in the first place was that his opponent helped the previous governor cover up selling driver’s licenses.

    Illinois: Helping New Jersey look clean by comparison since 1818!

  37. populucious

    I also wanted to say…I love how vocal Blago is about doing all these things in order to protect himself from the criminal charges he appears to already know are coming. Could Illinois not implement some kind of IQ test for future corrupt elected officials? Something like

    You know the FBI is highly interested in all your activities. You:
    A) try to keep a low profile, making sure that any illicit dealings are conducted face to face in out of the way places.
    B) Ramp up your efforts to call every single person that you know and blab, at length, about all the illegal things you’re planning on doing.

    Forget Abraham Lincoln…Tony Soprano is rolling over in his presumed grave.

  38. The Station Manager

    Anybody else hear ROD BLAGOJEVICH in the same voice as Rachel Maddow when she screams JOHN BOLTON?

  39. tsunami

    [re=195189]Fly-over Correspondent[/re]:
    Illinois: Helping New Jersey look clean by comparison since 1818!

    uh…excuse me fly, but i’m from jersey…your remark is uncalled for.

    next thing you know, you’ll be making remarks about newark and the turpike
    tank farms and the thickness of our fragrant air.

    new jersey: two-thirds of the state is really nice.

  40. 102415

    All our governors are being in jail sometimes. Oh, Rod you should have been reading all the Blag blogs about how you were going to jail before they listened in and you said it out loud. It’s like on The Wire, Rod, except you were stupider than a TV show could imagine.

  41. WickedWitchoftheMidwest

    OK, my wife and I only just moved to Chicago – like just over 3-months ago. To any Chicagoans out there reading this comment, (as neither of us could actually say that we’ve spent the time to consider ourselves vested in this windiest of cities), HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU HAVE VOTED FOR THIS BLOCKHEAD???

    REALLY??? HE SWEET-TALKED YOU??? THEN WHO’S TO SAY THAT OBAMA ISN’T JUST AS MUCH OF A SWEET-TALKING BITCH???

    Honestly, I doubt that Obama is unethical in anyway – other than the little known fact that is he is still mum about his magical unicorn-ness.

    Blaggy needs to be sent back to the land that his Steppe forefathers came from…everyone needs to go back to the land of their forefathers…until only Native Americans (INDIANS!!!) and the saddle-wearing dinosaurs are all that remains on the North American continent.

  42. V572625694

    [re=195193]Beer4Prez[/re]: In Illinois, and particularly in Chicago, Blagojevich is not a funny name.

  43. OffTheRecord

    [re=195204]Sanns[/re]: Yea but the key is knowing when to stop. And when Patrick Fitzgerald, righteous defender of virtue and honor, gets all up in your business I would think that was a sign to lay low for a while, not auction a senate seat to the highest bidder. As I said…Moran!

  44. kapish

    The governor’s words sound like those of a long time coke head with delusions of grandeur.
    On the other hand, they might well have been spoken by a more or less straight psychopath as well.
    But, I like the idea of a psychopath who is also a long time coke head best.

    I’m just saying.

  45. Internally valid

    [re=195198]WickedWitchoftheMidwest[/re]: We didn’t vote for him because he sweet-talked us. We voted for him because he was the democrat. Welcome to Chicago, my friend.

  46. otisfatboy

    When did Chicago become so corrupt? I have worked for many years with the fun, racist, Irish/Polish from that town. The roveian world will use this for the next 4/8 years. Let the games begin. Quote from Chi-town cop, “case, fuck that case, I’m working on a case of scotch”. I liked that guy, also disturbing.

  47. villageatrois

    Well, this is the Greatest Day in the Tawdry History of Illinois! Eight Wonkette threads, with a thousand comments, devoted to Blags the Impaler, or Governor Blagodicks! Woo hoo! It’s like the ’86 Bears, the Michael Jordan Bulls, and the ’08 (uh, 1908) Cubs all came together on one day! Proud, proud, proud; like shorts shorts shorts, native Gold-Coaster.

    Some observations for those who lack the honour of being Illinois residents:

    Let’s wait and compare the auctions of Senate seats from other states (Obama, Clinton, Joe Bidet, 6 years left, “golden”). And then some Congressional seats have to be auctioned (Emanuel) and maybe some governorships (Richardson).

    Next time Blags appears in court, after the news has gone far and wide, the judge will THREATEN to release him on personal recognizance and will offer to allow him to plead guilty.

    Blags’ bank of choice in corrupt activities was Bear-Stearns, not B of A. See the Stuart Levine scandals.

    With an 8% approval rating, Blags is preparing to run for POTUS. Perhaps, by 2016, this will be a competitive rate.

    If you want to represent Illinois in the US Senate, I will rent you a legitimate Illinois residential address, which I own, for $50/month. Fee includes sequestration and delivery of your mail on a no-questions-asked basis.

    In oder to eliminate corrupt political influence, our next US Senator will be chosen by special scratch-off ticket in the Illinois State Lottery. Only one dollar! Counsel is investigating whether those tickets can be sold by Indian and Pakistani people in gas stations and convenience stores, and how to assure that buyers are at least thirty years old (legal tattoo age times two).

    “Chicago” is much less entertaining without Richard Gere.

    And last, a taunt: Hey Joisey, I got yer corruption right here!

  48. Iggy Plop

    he’s throwing around references to piles of money like i’ll never see in my lifetime, not in many lifetimes, and at the same time he sounds dumber than the dumbest street thug. how does someone that clueless rise to that level of corruption?

  49. Stripes Make Me Fart

    I’m having a “why bother” moment, so I think I’m going to have a beer and turn up the Flying Burrito Brothers.

    I would welcome you to join me. Played loudly enough, The Gilded Palace of Sin just about drowns out the Republican snickers.

  50. ogradybt

    [re=195198]WickedWitchoftheMidwest[/re]: Frankly, both candidates seemed like idiots at the time. I saw Topinka at the Chinatown parade in 2006 and she had typos on her float. Also, blago/blaggs/blaggy/g-rod/roblag really didn’t begin to shine as a total moron until his second term. Which is to say he was a horrible governor his first term, but just run-of-the-mill horrible. He’s really blossomed.

    Also, it’s really hard for Republicans to get elected in Illinois, and it was especially hard in 2006. The previous governor was sentenced to prison less than a month before the general election.

  51. WithMySFValues

    Jesus, I can’t stop looking at that full head of hair. What does that tell the children — Kids, that’s the secret of success in this country — not smarts, not ethics, not diligence — it’s those lovely locks.

  52. Edywin

    While trying to extort political administrations in our nations capital, it is best to ask for monetary remuneration to be placed in recycled paper containers. It is also best when trying to secure a senate seat to ask for a receipt as it will be almost impossible to get a refund on ones “deposit” on the desired job, particularly if incarcerated.
    Thanks for not smoking in the White House.

  53. tank this

    I voted for Blago twice. Not once, twice. The first time out of ignorance (always vote for the dude with the hardest to pronounce name). Second time because the highly qualified woman running against him had been somewhat involved with the Alan Keyes debacle. But if I’d known it would result in this comical situation, I’d have voted for him with knowledge and excitement!

  54. villageatrois

    [re=195228]tank this[/re]: Well, Tanks, you raise a good point: only the majority of us are responsible for ripping us off through the hopelessly corrupt Blagodicks administration. I hardly ever vote with that majority. I would rather join Blags and Ryan in the slammer than vote for either of them. But, Tanks you veruh much fer yer participation; here’s your sticker; take that door on the left.

  55. gliberal

    He should be arrested just for wearing that roadkill on his head. If he were planning on extorting the money to have that thing tasered, the jury would acquit him. What kind of exploding racoon experiment went horribly awry and ended up with the decedent on his head? I mean, I know it’s windy in Chicago, but jeez, at least get yourself one of those Russian hats. Or is that what that is? I just don’t know anymore.

  56. obfuscator

    [re=195237]ladymacbeth[/re]: I think it happened on that fateful day when BHO launched his political career in the living room of a DOMESTIC TERRORIST!

  57. Alldat

    First Palin, now this guy. What is up with these doofus govs? Honestly, there has to be some secret algorithm the parties use for selecting their nominees. Maybe ego must be directly proportional to scalp follicles per square inch and inversely proportional to full scale IQ score, or something along those lines.

  58. shortsshortsshorts

    Do yourselves a favor and watch Barry’s 2004 convention speech. It will make you feel better about Illinois politics again.
    It’s about HEALING now. HEALING.

    [re=195237]ladymacbeth[/re]: Chicago was named the “Windy City” because of the early 1900′s boiler-room city hall. It is as if Chicago as the “Windy City” is synonymous with corruption. Isn’t it swell?

  59. Dreamer

    What bothers me more than anything is the idiocy. I mean this guy takes the cake for moronic plans. Are people in Chicago this corrupt that it does not even need smarts or imagination to pull this off.

  60. Gob

    If The Wire decided to do a season about catching Blagojevich it would be a half an episode long and end with Avon Barksdale just shaking his head. Then McNulty would bang Mrs. Blagojevich.

  61. ReelectTilden

    [re=195160]Orthette[/re]: Remember when everyone was pissed that Alaska paid for Palin to fly herself and her brood around the state sometimes?

    Just sayin….

  62. obfuscator

    [re=195243]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:

    It’s still catchier than “The City of Systemic Political Corruption”.

  63. shnazzer

    from some CNN article on his “working class roots”:
    “As a boy, Blagojevich held odd jobs — shining shoes, delivering pizzas — and worked in Alaska for two summers in his teens.”

    I think we can all see where he started to go wrong.

  64. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=195248]obfuscator[/re]: Totally. “The City of Systematic Political Corruption” is like calling the Patriot Act “absolutely fucking horrible in every way, ever.”

  65. Larry McAwful

    [re=195198]WickedWitchoftheMidwest[/re]: The steppe? His ancestors weren’t from the steppe! That name sounds Balkan, maybe Serbian or Croatian. I can’t tell. But it sure doesn’t sound Russian, and there’s no steppe in the Balkans.

    But yeah, it’s a good question, the one about how could the Illinoians have voted for Baggashit twice. The first time can be forgiven, but his reëlection, at a time when everyone knew he sucked, had him facing off a particulalry heinous Republican during a very good Democratic year. He still squeaked by with less than 50% in a state with a crushed and demoralized Republican party, so that’s saying something.

  66. Larry McAwful

    [re=195215]otisfatboy[/re]: I think it was in the 1830s some time. Or was it founded before then?

  67. shortsshortsshorts

    Where’s the love for the Rod? There must be someone who still embraces his stark innocence, right?

  68. Fly-over Correspondent

    [re=195216]villageatrois[/re]: No matter what address they start out with, they seem to all retire to Stateville.

  69. obfuscator

    [re=195246]Gob[/re]:

    “Governor, I served with Clay Davis : I knew Clay Davis; Clay Davis was a friend of mine. Governor, you’re no Clay Davis. Sheeeeeeeitttt… “

  70. SayItWithWookies

    [re=195254]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I’ll say something nice about him — he kept us safe after 9/11.

  71. Keram2

    42. KERAM2 could not finish reading the billon-word long post about [The President-Elect's Boyfriend] because off all beer and liquor consumed by KERAM2.

  72. ladymacbeth

    [re=195243]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: yup. yeah. that was my point.

    chicago? beyond corrupt.

    good on us.

  73. Keram2

    [re=195129]Crow T. Robot[/re]: Fuck Miller’s Crossing. This scandal is more on par with Fargo, considering that Blag here just threw his political career in a fucking wood-chipper.

  74. Keram2

    [re=195254]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I read Nicole Brown Simpson’s real killer has filed an Amicus curiae on Blagojevich’s behalf.

  75. Internally valid

    [re=195254]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: No. There is nothing redeeming about him. Some corrupt assholes are good at bringing home the bacon (cf Ted Stevens), but no, Rod Roddy just sucks. He has a democratic house and legislature and they all hate him and block everything he wants to do. Here are a few examples:

    http://archives.chicagotribune.com/2008/sep/10/local/chi-legis11sep11

    http://newsblogs.chicagotribune.com/clout_st/2008/08/no-hugs-today-f.html

  76. unprotoize

    [re=195167]sk1win[/re]: You make a compelling case. I second your motion.

    [re=195193]Beer4Prez[/re]: See, the last governor was George Ryan (also in jail), so boring we couldn’t help but go spooge-all-out on ROD BLAGOJEVICH.

  77. Mojopo

    [re=195274]unprotoize[/re]: Speaking of spooge, B-Vich used his position in government as a spooge rag. He could have used disposable paper towels, but NO! Bastard. I hope he shares a cell with George Ryan.

  78. Jukesgrrl

    Ill-annoy-ans, my hat’s off to youz, electing this guy TWICE. That press conference was the most entertainment I’ve had all year and it’s December already. I think the FBI guy who picked him up at 6 am so his kids wouldn’t see him being arrested had it all wrong.

  79. bonsai pajamas

    Can none of you appreciate that this man was trying to take care of his helpless wife?! What’s wrong with you animals?!
    __________

    The only good thing ever to come out of Illinois was the unicorn Obama rode to D.C. (naked.)

  80. Lascauxcaveman

    I offer big ups to Jimmy Newell for this post; as an old timer, who still remembers Ana Marie whatshername. Well done, lad, I say. This post is the best example in long while of why we are all here on this most blessed of days. I know I pitch Young Master Newell some BS once in awhile, but James, the snark is strong with you.

    Also I’d like permission to change my screen name to “Senate Candidate 1.” Sounds so klassy.

  81. Internally valid

    [re=195281]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: You know you don’t need permissions anymores right? You can just join under a new name and sitch. Get with the times, grampa

  82. shortsshortsshorts

    ASSSFUCKNGHGHGHGHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~!@!!!@!!1!!11!!!!1!!!
    Alright Everybody, please replace your SERIES ISSUES hats with FUNNY WHACKY FOLK hats. It is time. That or magically become John Coltrane or something. Or CYBERLILIKE create a sexual looking Hasselhoff.

    [re=195281]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Gov. Rod is the assiest person who has ever hailed himself from assyville (chitown).

    [re=195276]Mojopo[/re]: The first rule in Poopshoot? Do not talk about the Poopshoot.

  83. Mojopo

    [re=195284]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Poopchute poopchute poopchute. And then poochute. LA LA LA LA, I can’t hear you…

    Polish Joke Of The Day:
    Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street. “Did you know they eat dogs in America?” one asked the other. “I did not know that.” “Well, If we’re going to live here, we might as well learn to eat like Americans.” So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other Pole and asked, “What part did you get?”

  84. villageatrois

    [re=195256]Fly-over Correspondent[/re]: Well, Statesville is in the South. In Illinois, it’s Joliet, home of Joliet Jake, from the Blues Brothers. Blags has no hope of ever going there because: 1) he can’t play harmonica, nor sing 2) he is indicted on a Federal, not a State, crime 3) There are 12.000,000 Illinois citizens, and all but twelve of us will kill him on sight, if we get the chance.

  85. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=195216]villageatrois[/re]: How can one obtain said residence? As a Californian, I am still born and bred Corrupt Illinois Constable of Doomed Governorship.

  86. Mojopo

    [re=195295]bonsai pajamas[/re]: Oh yeah, Lincoln. In Chicago, we go to the theater and pray to Lincoln every day. “Allāhu Abraham!” And then we eat Italian Beef. I just love it here. It’s SO different from NYC.

  87. villageatrois

    [re=195296]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Sorry to hear you were still-born. For $50 per month, I will rent you a legal address in Illinois, at a home that I own. I will sequester your mail, and hold it for you. E-mail is a separate deal, but my house generates its own Wifi, just like McDonalds. The trick is to park on the road without attracting hostile fire.

  88. BleuCheeseRocket

    If all goes well, “Joliet Rod” Bldgacakovichkowski will get all the Chicago beef sammich he can handle, hot and sweet, dipped. Rawr.

    I’ll pay Mrs. Bldgacakovichkowski $15 to mow my lawn. Everybody wins.

  89. lawrenceofthedesert

    [re=195293]villageatrois[/re]: Statesboro prison is in Georgia, but Stateville is in Illinois. It is the refurbished and expanded version of the old Joliet Correctional. Many Illini call it “Statesville” instead of “Stateville,” btw — sounds bluesier, like Statesboro?

    I’m convinced Blagojevich was trying to amass all that money to get a vowel implant.

  90. villageatrois

    [re=195310]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: I stand correctional!

    Woke up this mornin’ had them Stateville blues
    Woke up this mornin’ had them Stateville blues
    Looked over in the corner and the Gov’ner done had ‘em too

  91. gurukalehuru

    [re=195126]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: It’s per se. That’s Latin for such as. And there’s a difference between Democratic buttsecks (Barney Frank) and Republican buttsecks (seemingly, a very large percentage of them). It’s called honesty.

  92. BobLoblawLawBlog

    $500 this winds up being part of an upcoming script for “The Wire”. Shit, I’ll write it myself if I have to.

  93. TGY

    “Monemoneymoney, MOO HA HA! JUST FUCKING PAY ME”

    Carpet chewer. Even the mafia would be ashamed of this guy.

  94. kimbongil

    [re=195321]dano[/re]: No I think it will be more like: We the jury find the defendant, incredibly, outrageously, shockingly, stupifingly, breathtakingly, unfathomably, unquestionably, unequivocally, undoubtably,and indisputably guilty…

    that is one count one your honor, on count number two, we the jury find the defendant….

  95. slithytoves

    [re=195313]gurukalehuru[/re]: per se actually means “in itself” or “by itself”. Per being the by, se is reflexive.

  96. rev_matt_y

    Here’s my theory about Dem -vs- Rep scandals: They are both fully embroiled in both sexual and financial shenanigans, but each party is just BETTER at one or the other.

    The GOP are brilliant with the money stuff so they don’t get caught at that as often (Duke et al excepted for being just morons), but get caught in sexual deviancy because they are just still trying to figure it out. It’s the college years for them right now, they’re experimenting and trying to ‘find themselves’ and often make bad decisions that result in embarrassing/hilarious news stories.

    The Dems are masters of all sex acts and rarely get caught in anything more risque than a tawdry affair/blowjob but they just have no idea how to handle money scams. And frankly that makes for a far less interesting news bit.

    Yes, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this.

  97. skippy

    [re=195110]Hans_Christian_Henderson[/re]: Blaggy vs Sen Craig is roughly the equivalent of Iran Contra vs Monica’s blowjob. As you say though, all excellent stuff.

  98. S.Luggo

    The Blago General Counsel mentioned in paragraph (b) as providing Blago with advice on how Mrs. Governor could get a rewarding job in the corporate world is William Quinlan, a former Cook County judge. Need one say more?

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