Oh noes.O.J. Simpson did exactly two admirable things in his life: he played football well, and he was in The Towering Inferno. Besides that he was a completely unhinged wife-beating and likely double-homiciding egomaniacal lunatic with impulse-control problems. If you are the LA Times’ resident turdburglar Jonah Goldberg, you look at O.J. Simpson’s depressing, shameful, and entirely predictable decline — culminating in his recent prison sentence for armed robbery — and say, “Hmm, what does this have to do with that other black gentleman I have heard of, Barack Obama?”

Well, duh:

Given that Barack Obama’s every utterance seems to spur the minting of a new commemorative plate to the cause of racial progress, you’d think more would be made of the ironic timing of Simpson’s conviction.

It is “ironic,” you see, because O.J. Simpson was not convicted of murder a decade ago, but he was convicted of robbery last week, and this means that the judicial system has finally been cleansed of racial bias! Just like Barack Obama’s election ended racism forever.

What better proof of that is there than that Obama, the nation’s first black president, will be figuring out the floor plan at the White House at almost exactly the same moment Simpson will be figuring out how the toilet works in his cell.

Hurrah for racial transcendence! Without it, O.J. Simpson might never have been forced to acquaint himself with the fancy European innovation called “indoor plumbing.”

O.J., Obama and race in America [Los Angeles Times]

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  • 4tehlulz

    It’s true. Before Obama was elected, white men were at a horrible disadvantage in the American judicial system.

  • Borat

    Personally, I prefer OJ’s work in some Leslie Neilson film(s). Was he the one talking ‘jive’ in Airplane or am I thinking of someone else? That was funny

  • Woodwards Friend

    The only more Goldberg could be any more cliche is if he called OJ’s lawyers a “team of rivals” or how OJ’s conviction impacts “Main Street as opposed to Wall Street.”

  • Yaybuls

    Let us not forget Sir Juice’s masterful acting turn in “The Naked Gun” series. Whatever will Frank Drebin do without Detective Nordberg? OH, THE HUMANITY!!!!

  • Doglessliberal

    What has this utter moron ever done to deserve a public forum? It has gotten to the point where media seem to just pick some raving wingnut off a corner and give him or her an outlet in print or on TV.

  • chowkster

    I didn’t read the whole blog post; I just read the quoted paragraphs and even from that little excerpt I could tell that the writer of this POS was Jonah the whale.

  • Cape Clod
  • Noodle Salad

    Why can’t Jonah Goldberg and the blacks all get along?

  • Cape Clod

    And it’s impossible to discuss OJ cinematic ouvre without mentioning his sterling performance in “Capricorn One”.

  • Anita Cocktail

    Yep, now OJ will have to use indoor plumbing, instead of shitting all over the women in his life.

  • hedgehog

    Capricorn One was a fine film.

  • Mahousu

    Here I thought he was going to uncover evidence that O.J. is not really a U.S. citizen.

  • MarieDeGournay

    Someone needs to tattoo the definition of irony onto Goldberg’s forehead.

  • rmontcal

    [re=194304]Borat[/re]: No, those were different black people in Airplane. I know that it can be confusing sometimes.

  • p-Sludge ofTheElves

    I was forced to see a gigantic close-up of Glenn Beck’s eye the other day. I almost wanted to sue the cinema. It was an ad for a one night only xmas sweater thing. eww.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    TRANSLATION: O.J. murdered his white wife and Obama murdered Hillary’s campaign; therefore they both should be convicted of strong arm robbery and imprisoned indefinitely at Gitmo!

  • ManchuCandidate

    This sounds like a guy who is trying to find another job for a right wing loon with money (doesn’t seem to be as many as there used to be.)

    If he only threw into the article a mention about a dead fetus, something about the 2nd Amendment and a line about Jews for Jeebus then he’d be a cinch to land a job.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I think its time for me to get my mask and cape and start carving backward “B’s” on retarded L.A. Times writers faces!

  • Woodwards Friend

    [re=194325]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Dear Angry Black Guy,

    We like the way you think. You must be one of the good ones.


  • Terry

    [re=194314]Anita Cocktail[/re]:

    Ain’t that the damn truth. What I don’t understand is why women are still dating him. You’d think that killing his wife and some random waiter might make him slightly less irresistable.

  • heroinmule

    I would love to see Jonah Goldberg meet black people, any of ’em…sounds like a good reality show idea. Sometimes Mittens could join him in meeting the black people.

  • 4tehlulz

    [re=194327]ManchuCandidate[/re]: He Lucianne Goldberg’s son, so he’s pretty much all set as it is.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=194323]p-Sludge ofTheElves[/re]: oh my god, we saw that the other day at an AMC. It was terrifying.

  • Theodorick Of York

    Favorite Leslie Nielsen movie quotes:

    “Your Swedish Suck machine is in!”

    “Nice beaver!”
    “Thanks, I just had it stuffed.”

  • charlesdegoal

    Another extraordinary ethno-coincidence is that Jonah Goldberg wrote this several centuries after Bach wrote the Goldberg variations and that no one knows for certain who that particular Goldberg was, whether he was in fact Jewish, or how his toilet worked.

  • magic titty

    Someone give me his email address please.

  • WadISay

    Could Eugene Robinson please write a piece about how George W. Bush will be taking the measure of his new place in Dallas about the same time as Ted Stevens is joining Aryian Nation at a federal supermax facility?

  • Mo MoDo

    [re=194313]Cape Clod[/re]: He is paying the price for revealing the truth. Run, OJ, run!

  • TGY

    Well, it’s like a coda to the symphony: after all the contention, OJ goes to jail without a chorus of wailing and gnashing of teeth.

    Funny old thing, life.

  • magic titty

    My email to Jonah:
    You are a mindless, ostensibly upstanding, and scheming twerp.
    There is no correlation, ironic or otherwise, between OJ Simpson and Barack Obama.
    How you could infer that there are says more about you and your ‘intellect’ than you might want people to know.

    But since they’re both famous ‘Negroes’ and both killed them some white ladies, I guess your point is a salient one. I stand corrected.
    I can’t wait until next week when you compare the Obama and Mobutu.

    (you also earn extra super bonus points for lying – calling Norman Mailer a ‘liberal’, a term the man never used to describe himself)


  • NunnaTheSOBs

    And Rahm Emanuel will be back
    in the halls of power in DC
    (and NOT cleaning toilets, as
    his ex-Irgun pater familias
    so glowinng noted, because
    he is after all, not an Arab)
    just in time to heal all the
    anti-Semitic venom engendered
    by that rat Joe Lieberman.
    There’s justice breaking out
    all around.

  • Crow T. Robot

    Hey wait…they’re both black?

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    they’re both black?

    Neither one is black. Once a person earns enough money to stop living in a ghetto, his “black” card is revoked, unless he is a rhyming preacher.

  • Borat

    [re=194395]Crow T. Robot[/re]: You see the problem here is that OJ is too black, and Barry isn’t black enough.

  • Beer4Prez

    A black man is going to jail? This really is a new American… Woorah! What’s next? Is Goldberg going to compare the success of Bratz dolls to Hillary Clinton’s (sorta) successful campaign as the first legitimate female candidate and how they both demonstrate the feminist-cause is won?

    This is a man who did very poorly on the analogy section of the SATs.

  • Miller

    Yes, nailing a guy who was dumb enough to get caught red handed committing a robbery years after he beat a murder rap everyone thinks he was guilty for is not only “justice”, but “racial justice”. Sort of that warm feeling we all got when Hitler was nabbed for mail fraud after beating the genocide rap at Nuremberg. I think we’re only a “Klan member getting a speeding ticket” away from total racial harmony.

  • honkeyman

    Yo, Mistah Goldberg. Bend over, and bake me some Jew Cookies.

  • Aurelio

    The Towering Inferno was not O.J.’s best film. His cinematic triumph was the wonderful Capricorn One, where he played an astronaut (one of three) coerced into faking a mission to Mars. This film, which is one of the best movies of all time, was almost universally panned by the critics, because, you know, what a ridiculous premise for a film–that our government might deceive us about something.

  • Pop Socket

    [re=194437]Aurelio[/re]: Amen. always cheer when Telly Sevalas in his cropduster causes the black helicopters to crash.

  • DangerousLiberal

    [re=194307]Doglessliberal[/re]: He works for kibble, and the LAT is broke. Q.E.D.

  • finallyhappy

    Hey,can I use “turdburglar” or is it copyrighted? I might use it anyway- but not anywhere that Wonkette will see it.

  • V572625694

    [re=194306]Yaybuls[/re]: [re=194341]Theodorick Of York[/re]: [re=194437]Aurelio[/re]: We cannot omit what may be the pinnacle of OJ’s acting career: his recurring role in HBO’s terrible, terrible series about a fictional football team, “First and Ten.” Aside from occasional near-subliminal flashes of nudity, it was utterly unwatchable, even when you’re alone in a hotel in Fayetteville — either one.

  • azw88

    The whole Irony is that OJ was guilty of murder, but was not CONVICTED of murder because the police bungled things so bad ( I think Furman tried to manufacture proof that OJ was guilty), whereas OJ was CONVICTED of kidnapping and robbery because he was SET UP!! There are far too many recordings of all that went down for this to NOT have been a frame job.

    As much as it sickened me that OJ got away with murder, I accepted it because he played the game, he went to trial and his lawyers dod a good job of making the police and prosecutors look like fools. Too often, it is the other way around (look at how many innocent folks have been let out recently). It really chaps me that these folks set OJ up to commit this crime, even planning it to happen in Vegas.

    OJ deserves to be in prison, but this is not the way to get people. This is the Star Chamber come to life.

  • DieOnTheTurnpike

    I will always remember OJ as the man who was almost The Terminator. James Cameron and company turned him down because he was “too nice and friendly”.

  • trondant

    Sam Zell didn’t realize he was truly fucked until he raided the coin box inside the Cheetos machine he set up near Jonah’s desk. After counting forty-four billion slugs, he declared bankruptcy.

  • gurukalehuru

    [re=194304]Borat[/re]: That was Carol Channing, comic genius. To be funny, it has to be unexpected.

  • Kev-O-Tron

    I’m really glad Obama has ended racism forever because I’m sick of hating on minorities for no reason whatsoever. except that they’re lazy and smell bad.

    Excuse me – I need to go use the company shower and take a break from snarking on Wonkette during worktime.

  • Hooray For Anything

    I’m awaiting Goldberg’s next column about how ironic it is that Obama became President when Gov Rod Blagojevich got arrested as Obama’s election means white guys can be arrested too.

  • artbot2000

    Near as I can see Jonah’s entire career depends on his momma’s having been BFF with Linda Tripp. Damn, is this a great country or what?

  • tiger

    It is SO odd that douchnozzle Goldberg has risen above just being a hated, formerly hunted down and imprisoned minority to being just a ” regular guy with his own opinions”. Congrats Jonah! You’re a bag of dicks like everyone else!

  • One Yield Regular

    [re=194319]MarieDeGournay[/re]: That would be a start. Maybe having all the lyrics to that godawful Alanis Morrisette song etched there – like the sentences in Kafka’s “The Penal Colony” – would be more fitting.

  • IceCreamEmpress

    This is a man who did very poorly on the analogy section of the SATs.

    This is a man who said that Mussolini is “unfairly” labeled a fascist.

    Savor that for a minute. Mussolini is unfairly labeled a fascist. EVEN THOUGH MUSSOLINI MADE UP THE FUCKING WORD HIMSELF FOR HIS OWN FUCKING POLITICAL PARTY.

    The analogy section of the SATs? My guess is that Mr. Goldberg has trouble figuring out which order to put shoes and socks on in–his freaky harridan mom probably made a big sign for his bedroom that says “SOCKS FIRST, BUBBELEH.”

  • populucious

    [re=194323]p-Sludge ofTheElves[/re]: I know! What the H– is that? I wont watch the guy for free on my home television machine. Now I should pay $ to watch him cry over what I’m guessing is a very ugly sweater? Daniel Craig’s beautiful mug only barely wiped the trauma away.

    Next national industry in desperate need of bail out coming up…who will be our new Cinema Czar?

  • RabidHamster

    Is this depression thing bad enough we can render Jonah Goldberg and make some soap? It’s about time we got SOMETHING useful out of him.

  • Toomush Infermashun

    So Goldberg had to find something made out of sex, drugs and rock’n’roll for the declining readership of the Times…or find himself a real job…it’s all Hopey’s fault for being so upstanding and all…even if OJ is a stretch, any two points make a curve, I guess…..nah, it’s not too early to start drinking – why did I ever stop..?

  • quoth teh Raven

    [re=194304]Borat[/re]: Nordberg. Always getting fucked in the ass one way or another. Prophetic, you bet!

  • dijetlo

    I was struck by it as well. I take it to mean “one who steals useless shit”.
    OJ will spend his golden years making truck nutz for the Nevada State Penal system.
    If that isn’t an opportunity to work in a “teh buttsex” reference, I don’t know what is.

  • c-freak

    [re=194510]gurukalehuru[/re]: negative. it was barbara billingsly – aka june cleaver the beaver’s mom.

  • DangerousLiberal

    [re=194468]azw88[/re]: Waah. Wahhh. Fail. All I care about is the mofo is in the joint now. My wife thinks that makes me a lousy liberal and a reaktshunery. If the shoe fits…..

  • peachgirl

    Third admirable thing OJ did in life:

    Flying into the driver’s seat of a rental automobile. An matched trick if I’m not mistaken.

  • peachgirl

    unmatched trick, damn it

  • Mr. Todd

    yea cmon guys, naked gun

  • bonsai pajamas

    [re=194905]peachgirl[/re]: Peachgirl, you are sooo wise. That is in fact THE decent thing that OJ did, and I remember it. A time of innocence. Thanks for the memories.

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