In what respect, Santa?Friends and enemies, it is time to put aside our irrevocable partisan differences and unite in the pursuit of inexpensive yet offensive X-mas/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Channukah/Jedi gifts for our few friends and many enemies. In these troubled times of National Doom, you want a present that is a) cheap, and b) either wonderful or truly horrific. But the gift must not be some wacky novelty manufactured for the sake of laffs. It must be terribly sincere. (Unless it’s not!) What we’re saying is, how many prints of a burly, naked Barack Obama riding a unicorn to victory will you be buying this year?

This is Part I (One) of our 2008 War On Christmas Gift Guide. Expect a few more installments, this week!

Bareback Mountain.Oh, look at this thing. It is magnificent! The artist Dan Lacey made this magical painting to commemorate the night when Barack Obama finally defeated what’s-her-name, Madeline Albright, for the Democratic nomination. And then this Barack held his Victory Dance at the same forlorn St. Paul sports arena where John “Walnuts!” McCain would host the GOP’s saddest GOP convention. And now you can buy a big signed print of this “Barack Obama Nude On A Unicorn Victory Print” artwork. $20, mailed in a tube, you seriously cannot beat this with a stick. [Faithmouse]

Clowns. Why did it have to be Clowns?Do you like Clowns? No? Well, join the crowd. But what if there were actual photographs of naked clowns? DO NOT WANT? Well, fine, be that way. But while you’re being that way, we would like to note that the 2009 Naked Clown Calendar is a fundraiser deal to fight the scourge of Multiple Sclerosis (MS). So you can buy this calendar of, uhm, naked clown photographs and help fight MS, or you can … buy it and give it to your parents or boss or somebody. “It’s for a charity,” you can say, grinning. “Hang it up where everybody can see how you are against MS.” Come on, $18! You can’t even get a signed print of naked Barack Obama humping a Unicorn for that kind of money! [Naked Clown Calendar]

Oh hell YES finally a video game that BRINGS IT. This game is called, let’s see, yes, ZooRace, and as you’ll see from this incredible promotional preview video, it shows what happens when some fancy arugula-sucking Librarian with her book learnin’ is forced to realize the Hard Truth of the Noah’s Ark fable, after a simpleton (in a business suit) turns down her offerings of dictionaries and encyclopedias and other wordy tomes, because he likes stories about how Noah of Ark only loved to have beastly races, for enjoyment, when the Sumerian God “IT” drowned the Earth, for sport. And then the Librarian gal has a sex-dream about running with the animals. If you’ve got kids, you MUST BUY THEM THIS GAME, they will never want to play the video game machine ever again. Free to download and try, $17.77 to buy! (Because Ron Paul took $17.76.) Do it now. [ZooRace]

Let's get small.Face it, 2009 is going to be awful. You know how everybody’s out of a job and everything sucks? Well, next year will be just like this, times seven-hundred billion. We are not going to have a lot of money for the ancient pleasures, such as martinis at some elegant hotel bar. We are going to be scraping the fetid carpet for bits of shitty Mexican weed. We will start pretending the seeds and stems are actually pretty good, after all! We will cry when we remember nights when it seemed like a perfectly good idea to give $200 to some bike-messenger/office intern because he had a coke connection. And then we will buck up and learn to make our own pipes and bongs again, as Americans used to do, back when we were still American. Build This Bong, $12.95, free shipping if you throw another dozen bucks at Amazon. [Build This Bong]

Meat Puppets.Every meat lover will love these frivolous steak “branding irons” from the nostalgic time when we had meat to cook, at our homes, before we became homeless. Your old racist guests who enjoy hot young male ass will love the whimsical “I’m an Elephant!” brand, while your liberal loser friends can … uh, just sort of amuse themselves with the idea of getting a steak. A steak with a donkey brand! Culture wars! Just $25.95 for two of these things, in the two styles. [Rachel Roque/HomeWetBar]

Once you go black, you can't go back.Who says this mysterious Hawaiian moderate Barack Obama is our first black president? Well, kill them, those who say that. Our first and best African-American chief executive was none other than Ronald “Weird Harold” Reagan. You can own a little shrunken black head of this cat, Ronald Reagan, to show these Hopefuls what is really going on. Only $155 … wait, really? $155, for this awful shellacked turd? Forget that, and buy this lousy “Ronald Reagan Famous Quotes Art Print” thing for $19.95, if you must insult a senile old Reagan lover (Grandpa?!) this Xmas. [Victory Stores 00 Yahoo]

Thanks to all the Wonkette Operatives everywhere, especially Julie Kosbab, Elizabeth Cole, Beastie, Fred Harris and Joshua Baxt.

War on Xmas Gift Guide UPDATES:

ALSO! This is our beloved 2006 War On Xmas Gift Guide.

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  1. “Barack Obama Nude On A Unicorn Victory Print”
    Does it come on black velvet? A painting that truly magnificent needs to be done on that medium.

    frivolous steak “branding irons”
    Can they be used to brand live humans and not when they eat human steak during the Cannibal Riots of 2009?

    There is no way in hell I’d buy anything with naked clowns even if they were female unless it was to someone I really hated, but even then I’d just mail a box of my shit to them.

  2. I know I should be disappointed that there are no teeny weeny condoms or Bluetooth dildos this year, but I figure we’re all so fucked this year that fucking anybody else seems… novel.

  3. …well I don’t know about you guys, but I’m gonna put my 2 year old niece to work making Christmas cards made out of construction paper, glitter and macaroni.

  4. OK. it has to be said (I mean, this is Wonkette after all): what kind of holiday are you thinking of without Truck Nutz? Don’t they come in colors or something. Show some loyalty.

  5. NBC has given us the worst Xmas gift ever of all time:
    five nights a week of jay leno in primetime, starting next
    year. as if nine nights a week of howie mandel were not

  6. My God, did anyone else view the promo for Zoo Race!? If you love 80s computer graphics coupled with heavy-handed, illogical “theology,” and music from early 90s Christian rock stations (when they were still trying to sound like the Clash), then you’ll get a serious boner for this!

  7. [re=194406]Panderfinder[/re]: Have you seen the previews for Howie’s new WACKY UNSCRIPTED HIDDEN CAMERA SHOW, “Howie Do It?” I predict a failure of “Joey”-proportions. Hell, of “Turn On”-proportions, the show that was cancelled halfway through its first episode. Hey, there’s a good Christmas present – Howie Do It on DVD.

  8. Build THIS bong…

    (1) bugle, (1) stainless steel screen 4″ diameter, (1) rubber plunger bell, (2) 3′ rubber hoses,
    (1) air compressor (recommend variable pressure), 1 oz of whatever you got

    Stick the screen in the horn, cut out the center of the plunger stem, attach one end of one hose to the compressor hose and the other end to the plunger bell. Attach other hose to the horn’s mouthpiece, load horn and stoke it started, cover horn with plunger bell, light off compressor, suck on hose, hold on to your ass!

    Deluxe model…put a gas mask on the open end of the hose, place on face. CAUTION ALERT! Ensure you have a designated gas mask remover in your group…your gonna need one.

    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

  9. [re=194415]Doglessliberal[/re]: Yes! And that grin of his says clearly “that’s right all you decrepit old farts, your boy Matlock has done endorsed the negro for president. As my buddy Floyd would say, suck it!”

  10. i have a question about that weird ass video. well, many. but i’m asking this one:

    did that guy take a piss behind the librarians desk when he was running around?

    and did he squat to do it?

    this video has ruined the lovely day el blago had provided me. screw you people.

  11. I think there is only one proper gift, however overplayed it may be at this point. It comes in low-hanging, veiny pairs, multiple colors, and ends with Z!

  12. I always laugh derisively at my patrons, too. Just like Hannah.

    If God can do anything, I’d like to see Him help 32 students in a row cite a database article in MLA style. It’s like whistling the Andy Griffith Show tune all the way through with people watching. It can’t be done.

  13. Minnesota: The state that brings you BRIDGE DISASTERS and MICHELE BACHMANN now makes up for it with NAKED BARACK ON A UNICORN.

    I am so proud of my state.

  14. Just watched ZooRace preview and blacked out. Do not know what day it is or what can ever compare to it. ever ever. astonished

    You, wktte, did not warn us that Librarian Arugula and Business Mask would TURNINTOTHEANIMALS.

    “Wow I mean this is just so-oo crazy”

  15. So after they turn into animals and run past the crazy disco floor with God… I don’t understand. What was with the Danger Hydrogen sign? And being shot out of a cannon? And all the flames? I am just going to put my head down now.

  16. That video. That … that VIDEO. Holy shit. How … what … but …


    Fun things that I did not know existed just after the World Flood: cannons that sexy librarian-horses can shoot themselves out of, missles that sexy librarian-horses can ride, discos, pirate flags, giant crosses (several thousand years before Jesus was nailed to one).

    Someone (not me, sadly this is Windows only) NEEDS to download the free version of this game and report back. Does God really announce the race in that incredibly awkward voice?

  17. I watched the whole thing. At the end, Hannah the Horse is attached to a missile as part of the race.

    [re=194462]sanantonerose[/re]: Is this video game more or less accurate than The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice?

  18. [re=194414]Dildo Baggins[/re]: It’s over eight minutes long, and I have to watch with sound off because I’m at work. I wandered away and came back, and they were doing Animal Farm. Then they were in hell. Then … is that a donkey riding a missile? Or are the fumes down here, next to the boiler room, acting up again?

  19. Oh. my. god. Once upon a time, when I lived in Dee See, I went home with some dude from some communist-themed bar (seriously) in Mt. Pleasant, and he had THAT EXACT BUST OF RONNIE ON HIS COFFEE TABLE. I absolutely shit you not. He also had a cat named Lothario. I slept with him anyway.

  20. “whooooa…wh-what’s happening?”

    that, my friends is the sound of a high horse.

    also, everyone in that video seems to have been seeing the same plastic surgeon as the montauk monster.

  21. Wow, thanks a lot for the spoiler, dickheads. I was looking forward to the last Harry Potter book. Now I know he just grows up to be a bitter atheist transsexual librarian/horse with freakishly long arms, I may as well kill myself. That’s what you want, isn’t it?

  22. Build this Bong. First, you need tools. Then, you need to know how to USE tools. Then, you need materials from a HARDWARE store. Like I know where there’s a hardware store. Like I’d get off the couch to go there.

  23. [re=195186]choinski[/re]: Fucking hell. I thought you were kidding! Sadly, you were not.

    I don’t think I hate anyone enough to give them this calendar.

  24. [re=194683]MarieDeGournay[/re]: If you want him, come and claim him.

    Did anyone else notice the Latin gangbanger clown on the calendar splash page, with teardrops painted next to his eyes and a spade inked on his chin, plus slicked back hair and a bushy moustache?

    He was kinda… hot for a clown. I’m betting he’s known as La Giggles, and has “Laugh Now, Cry Later” tattoed on his back.

  25. I watched that whole disturbing video hoping that the librarian and the dumbass would have buttsex, or kill some Native Americans or Jews or Liberals or Queers, and they ended up DANCING???
    On a suck ass waste of time scale of one to ten, well… That goes all the way to eleven.
    Where did you FIND that weird waste of seven minutes???
    And I’m so sending nude Obama to my Brother in law to replace the 8X10 Bush on his refrigerator.

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