war on christmas

Take Bill O’Reilly’s Heathen ‘Holiday’ Quiz About Afrikans!

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

HATS OFF to esteemed thing Parade for this sexy clip art collage of a mall Santa preparing to bone claymation Rudolph who is stepping on Bill O’Reilly as black people do their black African holiday whatevers in the background. The Jew Cookies see it all. This masterpiece, folks, accompanies “Bill O’Reilly’s Great American Holiday Quiz,” because suddenly you’re NOT ALLOWED to say “Merry Christmas” anymore, in America, because of the Prop 8 protesters.

There are 36 questions total, about 30 of which pertain to the actual American holiday, Christmas, and those are the hardest ones — all about the history of copywriting and patents and the ACLU, etc etc. The perfunctory Kwanzaa questions, however, are pretty simple; “What color are black people?” and so forth. You could win Bill O’Reilly’s book!


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • StephanieInCA

    So I assume Billo would object to an online advent calendar linking to such treasures as The Slanket and 1970s sex-ed video “Caught in the Act“?

    If having a frank discussion with your mother about masturbation isn’t in the spirit of XXXmas, then I don’t know what is.

  • MathewBrooks

    This is an even bigger time suck than that damn eco car shit i spend 10 hours a day playing.

  • honkeyman

    The Jew Cookies??

  • Theodorick Of York

    Why would anyone enter a contest that awards “An Old Flesh Heap Of Insanity” as first prize?
    What, was smashing my dick in a car door already taken?

    Oh, and a Blessed Solstice to all my Wiccan friends.

  • norbizness

    Your sentences are giving me nose bleeds, Newell.

  • Liquid

    This test is boring.
    I got as far as question three.
    Nice going, Bill O’Lamey.

  • Servo

    Are we also banned from Martinmas or Candlemas?

  • WagTehGod

    What kind of Christmas quiz has no questions about Obama being born in a manger?

  • ManchuCandidate

    I don’t know what disturbs me more. That I have work to do and I still took the quiz, that I got 26 out of 36 or that I got all the questions on Kwanzaa and Hanukkah correct (I’m not black or jewish.)

  • gurukalehuru

    Bill O’Reilly gets a chapter in you book, Wonkette, all to hisself.

  • StrangelyBrown

    No Eid ul-Fitr questions, Bill? Imagine that.

  • PrairiePossum

    When Parade publishes a picture of Santa boning Bill O’Reilly, then I’ll be interested.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=193608]StephanieInCA[/re]: Such unsavory discussions should remain strictly between news personalities and their grossed-out producers.

  • DieOnTheTurnpike

    [re=193624]Servo[/re]: Yes, but Martini-mas and Candle-up-the-ass are still go.

  • magic titty

    Why are there questions about Jewtastic Hannukah in Bill’s Christmas quiz?
    Just because Jesus was a Jew doesn’t mean this holiday has to be.

  • actor212

    Congress was in session on Christmas Day, 1789, because it had not yet been declared a holiday.

    So the original intent of the framers of the Constitution was that Congress shall be PAGAN????

  • Palin-Plumber2012

    FACT: Bill O’Reilly gives his children only battery-operated toys, so he can hoard them for use for his vibrator.

  • Schmannity

    Christmas loofas in everyone’s stockings

  • Godot

    What a load of crap. I got an Internal Server Error when I got the question about which one was not one of the Three Wise Men (which I knew because of Chrono Trigger) right. Bill O’Reilly is a cold-hearted Scrooge who did not want to give me a “Correct!”, for Christmas!

  • Fivetree

    What about there being no questions on Festivus? And what do you MEAN Harriet Beacher Stowe didn’t write “Gone With The Wind”? I love how he mixes up the dipshit questions about the names of Santa’s reindeer in with the Supreme Court cases. And the Puritans didn’t just “think” Christmas was a pagan holiday, it IS a pagan holiday.

  • Madeline

    I had completely forgotten that Parade existed. And now I know why. The quiz was lame and the website majorly sucks. Fail.

  • forgracie

    Fukk it! We’ll do it live!

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    I love the question about who invented Kwanzaa. I’m surprised Billo didn’t just put down “Some Nigger” and been done with it.

  • finallyhappy

    [re=193634]magic titty[/re]: It’s the media and we( Jews) own it. We require that something about us be mentioned in every article. Sometimes, people don’t know it is about us because they don’t know we own certain words-like “the” and “it”

  • bago

    Melchoir backwards!

  • OhWhyOhio

    [re=193631]PrairiePossum[/re]: I bet your could find that on Craigslist. Or at least a solid lookalike willing to pose for the picture.

  • Tra

    Does the general downfall of all the newspapers ever mean we can finally get rid of Parade?

  • Sussemilch

    What a magical day, when Cap’n Mosey shimmies down the flue with a gunny of pasta for the tots.

    Religion, what?

  • pondscum

    I’m shocked no one has Blingeed that picture yet.

  • trophy(forparticipation)wife

    Billow Wryly just brings out the worst in me.

  • PrairiePossum


    Thanks for the Craigslist suggestion. I’m looking for a picture to send in my Christmas cards.

  • gjdodger

    [re=193635]actor212[/re]: Hey, if basketball players have to work on Christmas Day, why shouldn’t Congress? The basketball players make about 30 times as much money and could just hire temps or something.

  • actor212

    [re=193675]gjdodger[/re]: But they’re all heathens anyway, Dodger! Not like our dyed-in-the-wool conservative Congresscritters from Bugfuck, MS and all them thar!

    No no, them “ballers” is all Mooselim and stuff….probably the entire league is run by a Jew, I’d bet!

  • p-Sludge ofTheElves

    Did anybody see that Oprah Spielberg movie “The Colored People” ?

  • Botswana Meat Commission FC

    What I want to know is who sees the print version of PARADE tucked in their Sunday paper and thinks “I really need to check out what they’re doing online!”

  • rev_matt_y

    [re=193661]pondscum[/re]: Wait, that’s PRE-Blingee? And it wasn’t done by an artistically impaired 8th grader?

  • pondscum

    [re=193712]rev_matt_y[/re]: Oh, that was done by an imparied toddler – namely Trig. But it still needs Wonkette-inspired Blingee.

  • azw88

    WTF?? Most of those questions are about things NOT related to Christmas. Bill-O’s holiday test is part of the war on Christmas!!! 3-4 questions about Rudolph the Fucking reindeer?? Teddy telling people to shop??? WTF???

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    You could win Bill O’Reilly’s book!

    I don’t cotton to threats!

    Ha ha! I said “cotton” because of the War on Kwanzaa.

  • roundofapplause

    jeez you could’ve said it was a 35 QUESTION LONG quiz. I just spent entirely too much time looking every question up before I answered all because wonkette said I’d get his book. Now im just going to have to settle for ann coutler. hmph.

  • Terry

    Why is Rudolph crapping out Hannukah cookies in the Parade Magazine graphic?

  • tiger

    god shoot this asshole already.

  • chascates

    The quiz takes waay too long. Can we just have O’Reilly say that Christ was born on Dec. 25th & he was white and you have to say Merry Christmas starting after Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa was created by a liberal college professor so it doesn’t count and Alabama is a way more Christian state than puritan Boston and . . .
    I told you the quiz took takes too long. I quit after Gene Autry named Rudolph.

  • norbizness

    [re=193707]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: Ain’t no online party like a Parade Magazine online party ‘cuz a Parade Magazine online party refuses to stop.

  • actor212

    [re=193724]roundofapplause[/re]: Oh jeez, you know, if you come to New York, Coulter’s books are out panhandling on the sidewalks with signs that say “Will self-destruct for food”. You don’t need to settle!

  • zetetic

    Those aren’t Jew Cookies — they’re Hanukkah Throwing Stars, they come in sets of eight, and they are LETHAL when thrown. Or eaten.

  • mr guy

    Hey I sent this in! Where’s my “thank you?” I’M TELLING THE HOLIDAY FAT MAN TO PUT COAL IN YOUR HOLIDAY STOCKING.

  • CivicHoliday

    I can’t believe he actually included Maulana Karenga. I bet one million hobo dollars he had to Google that sob – “who created the black holiday?”

    Got a 21, btw.

  • Larry McAwful

    Here are the prizes you could win if you take Bill O’Reilly’s quiz:

    20 or more right: You win Bill O’Reilly’s new book!
    25 or more right: You win a collection of Bill Hoest’s “Howard Huge” cartoons!
    30 right: perfect score: You don’t have to take either one!

  • zhubajie

    [re=193635]actor212[/re]: Yes, that’s why the born-again preachers of the day damned them up one side and down the other. Especially Jefferson for his version of the Bible with all the miracles removed.

    Anyway, Cromwell, the Baptist dictator, abolished Christmas in the 1640s.

    Zhu Bajie

  • zhubajie

    [re=193647]Fivetree[/re]: Yule and Saturnalia certainly were pagan holidays at the end of December. 25 December was the Dies Natali Solis Invicti: Birthday of the Unconquerable Sun.

    Early Christians celebrated Easter.

    Zhu Bajie

  • zhubajie

    [re=193675]gjdodger[/re]: They actually have to do something. Congress these days just rubber-stamps whatever the Unitary Executive puts in front of them, kinda like in China.

    Zhu Bajie

  • PerhapsSo

    I got 32. Now, do I enter the contest to win Bilbo’s book?

  • Borat

    Eid Mubarek Bill.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    It is hard to believe, but in the ’70s my liberal/hippie parents raised me in such a way that I didn’t know that Christmas was all about Bill O’Reilly.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I keep forgetting: Bill O’Reilly or Mallard Filmore, which one is the bad comic strip character?

  • CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    “You could win Bill O’Reilly’s book! ”

    SCORE!!! I’m actually about out of toilet paper.

  • CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    [re=193948]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Christmas is about the birth of the true christ: Santa Clause. Duh!

  • sezme

    I got a 26! Can Bill blow me now? Neither of us would enjoy it, but he’d be more humiliated (probably)!

  • Red Headed StepChild

    I think the funniest thing about that picture is that Bill doesn’t look anything like that. Have you seen the size of the bag of blubber hanging off this dude’s chin/neck (whatever the hell it is now)?! I can’t even pay attention to what he says because I’m to entranced by the bouncing sack of sea lion blubber. THAT’s why he canceled the radio show: you can’t hear him over the sound of that skin sack slapping around.

  • sanantonerose

    Slanket = slutty blanket?

  • DP

    Jeebuz, there’s about six THOUSAND questions on this fucking “quiz!” There is one question about latkes though, which is kind of close to falafel, so I’m satisfied….

  • Borat

    Given all our Canadian friends activity over the weekend, if you can propose a suitable Boxing Day gift, I would appreciate it

  • Titteh McGee
  • Titteh McGee

    [re=194232]Titteh McGee[/re]: Sorry, retarded about the blingee internets

  • naveed

    [re=193614]honkeyman[/re]: More commonly known as Jewkies, natch.