WAR ON CHRISTMAS  2:31 pm December 8, 2008

Take Bill O’Reilly’s Heathen ‘Holiday’ Quiz About Afrikans!

by Jim Newell

HATS OFF to esteemed thing Parade for this sexy clip art collage of a mall Santa preparing to bone claymation Rudolph who is stepping on Bill O’Reilly as black people do their black African holiday whatevers in the background. The Jew Cookies see it all. This masterpiece, folks, accompanies “Bill O’Reilly’s Great American Holiday Quiz,” because suddenly you’re NOT ALLOWED to say “Merry Christmas” anymore, in America, because of the Prop 8 protesters.

There are 36 questions total, about 30 of which pertain to the actual American holiday, Christmas, and those are the hardest ones — all about the history of copywriting and patents and the ACLU, etc etc. The perfunctory Kwanzaa questions, however, are pretty simple; “What color are black people?” and so forth. You could win Bill O’Reilly’s book!


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StephanieInCA December 8, 2008 at 2:37 pm

So I assume Billo would object to an online advent calendar linking to such treasures as The Slanket and 1970s sex-ed video “Caught in the Act“?

If having a frank discussion with your mother about masturbation isn’t in the spirit of XXXmas, then I don’t know what is.

MathewBrooks December 8, 2008 at 2:38 pm

This is an even bigger time suck than that damn eco car shit i spend 10 hours a day playing.

honkeyman December 8, 2008 at 2:39 pm

The Jew Cookies??

Theodorick Of York December 8, 2008 at 2:40 pm

Why would anyone enter a contest that awards “An Old Flesh Heap Of Insanity” as first prize?
What, was smashing my dick in a car door already taken?

Oh, and a Blessed Solstice to all my Wiccan friends.

norbizness December 8, 2008 at 2:40 pm

Your sentences are giving me nose bleeds, Newell.

Liquid December 8, 2008 at 2:41 pm

This test is boring.
I got as far as question three.
Nice going, Bill O’Lamey.

Servo December 8, 2008 at 2:42 pm

Are we also banned from Martinmas or Candlemas?

WagTehGod December 8, 2008 at 2:42 pm

What kind of Christmas quiz has no questions about Obama being born in a manger?

ManchuCandidate December 8, 2008 at 2:42 pm

I don’t know what disturbs me more. That I have work to do and I still took the quiz, that I got 26 out of 36 or that I got all the questions on Kwanzaa and Hanukkah correct (I’m not black or jewish.)

gurukalehuru December 8, 2008 at 2:43 pm

Bill O’Reilly gets a chapter in you book, Wonkette, all to hisself.

StrangelyBrown December 8, 2008 at 2:43 pm

No Eid ul-Fitr questions, Bill? Imagine that.

PrairiePossum December 8, 2008 at 2:45 pm

When Parade publishes a picture of Santa boning Bill O’Reilly, then I’ll be interested.

SayItWithWookies December 8, 2008 at 2:45 pm

[re=193608]StephanieInCA[/re]: Such unsavory discussions should remain strictly between news personalities and their grossed-out producers.

DieOnTheTurnpike December 8, 2008 at 2:45 pm

[re=193624]Servo[/re]: Yes, but Martini-mas and Candle-up-the-ass are still go.

magic titty December 8, 2008 at 2:46 pm

Why are there questions about Jewtastic Hannukah in Bill’s Christmas quiz?
Just because Jesus was a Jew doesn’t mean this holiday has to be.

actor212 December 8, 2008 at 2:46 pm

Congress was in session on Christmas Day, 1789, because it had not yet been declared a holiday.

So the original intent of the framers of the Constitution was that Congress shall be PAGAN????

Palin-Plumber2012 December 8, 2008 at 2:49 pm

FACT: Bill O’Reilly gives his children only battery-operated toys, so he can hoard them for use for his vibrator.

Schmannity December 8, 2008 at 2:51 pm

Christmas loofas in everyone’s stockings

Godot December 8, 2008 at 2:53 pm

What a load of crap. I got an Internal Server Error when I got the question about which one was not one of the Three Wise Men (which I knew because of Chrono Trigger) right. Bill O’Reilly is a cold-hearted Scrooge who did not want to give me a “Correct!”, for Christmas!

Fivetree December 8, 2008 at 2:55 pm

What about there being no questions on Festivus? And what do you MEAN Harriet Beacher Stowe didn’t write “Gone With The Wind”? I love how he mixes up the dipshit questions about the names of Santa’s reindeer in with the Supreme Court cases. And the Puritans didn’t just “think” Christmas was a pagan holiday, it IS a pagan holiday.

Madeline December 8, 2008 at 2:55 pm

I had completely forgotten that Parade existed. And now I know why. The quiz was lame and the website majorly sucks. Fail.

forgracie December 8, 2008 at 2:55 pm

Fukk it! We’ll do it live!

queeraselvis v 2.0 December 8, 2008 at 2:57 pm

I love the question about who invented Kwanzaa. I’m surprised Billo didn’t just put down “Some Nigger” and been done with it.

finallyhappy December 8, 2008 at 2:59 pm

[re=193634]magic titty[/re]: It’s the media and we( Jews) own it. We require that something about us be mentioned in every article. Sometimes, people don’t know it is about us because they don’t know we own certain words-like “the” and “it”

bago December 8, 2008 at 3:00 pm

Melchoir backwards!

OhWhyOhio December 8, 2008 at 3:00 pm

[re=193631]PrairiePossum[/re]: I bet your could find that on Craigslist. Or at least a solid lookalike willing to pose for the picture.

Tra December 8, 2008 at 3:01 pm

Does the general downfall of all the newspapers ever mean we can finally get rid of Parade?

Sussemilch December 8, 2008 at 3:02 pm

What a magical day, when Cap’n Mosey shimmies down the flue with a gunny of pasta for the tots.

Religion, what?

pondscum December 8, 2008 at 3:02 pm

I’m shocked no one has Blingeed that picture yet.

trophy(forparticipation)wife December 8, 2008 at 3:05 pm

Billow Wryly just brings out the worst in me.

PrairiePossum December 8, 2008 at 3:06 pm


Thanks for the Craigslist suggestion. I’m looking for a picture to send in my Christmas cards.

gjdodger December 8, 2008 at 3:11 pm

[re=193635]actor212[/re]: Hey, if basketball players have to work on Christmas Day, why shouldn’t Congress? The basketball players make about 30 times as much money and could just hire temps or something.

actor212 December 8, 2008 at 3:20 pm

[re=193675]gjdodger[/re]: But they’re all heathens anyway, Dodger! Not like our dyed-in-the-wool conservative Congresscritters from Bugfuck, MS and all them thar!

No no, them “ballers” is all Mooselim and stuff….probably the entire league is run by a Jew, I’d bet!

p-Sludge ofTheElves December 8, 2008 at 3:24 pm

Did anybody see that Oprah Spielberg movie “The Colored People” ?

Botswana Meat Commission FC December 8, 2008 at 3:28 pm

What I want to know is who sees the print version of PARADE tucked in their Sunday paper and thinks “I really need to check out what they’re doing online!”

rev_matt_y December 8, 2008 at 3:29 pm

[re=193661]pondscum[/re]: Wait, that’s PRE-Blingee? And it wasn’t done by an artistically impaired 8th grader?

pondscum December 8, 2008 at 3:33 pm

[re=193712]rev_matt_y[/re]: Oh, that was done by an imparied toddler – namely Trig. But it still needs Wonkette-inspired Blingee.

azw88 December 8, 2008 at 3:34 pm

WTF?? Most of those questions are about things NOT related to Christmas. Bill-O’s holiday test is part of the war on Christmas!!! 3-4 questions about Rudolph the Fucking reindeer?? Teddy telling people to shop??? WTF???

Naked Bunny with a Whip December 8, 2008 at 3:34 pm

You could win Bill O’Reilly’s book!

I don’t cotton to threats!

Ha ha! I said “cotton” because of the War on Kwanzaa.

roundofapplause December 8, 2008 at 3:37 pm

jeez you could’ve said it was a 35 QUESTION LONG quiz. I just spent entirely too much time looking every question up before I answered all because wonkette said I’d get his book. Now im just going to have to settle for ann coutler. hmph.

Terry December 8, 2008 at 3:40 pm

Why is Rudolph crapping out Hannukah cookies in the Parade Magazine graphic?

tiger December 8, 2008 at 3:49 pm

god shoot this asshole already.

chascates December 8, 2008 at 3:52 pm

The quiz takes waay too long. Can we just have O’Reilly say that Christ was born on Dec. 25th & he was white and you have to say Merry Christmas starting after Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa was created by a liberal college professor so it doesn’t count and Alabama is a way more Christian state than puritan Boston and . . .
I told you the quiz took takes too long. I quit after Gene Autry named Rudolph.

norbizness December 8, 2008 at 3:58 pm

[re=193707]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: Ain’t no online party like a Parade Magazine online party ‘cuz a Parade Magazine online party refuses to stop.

actor212 December 8, 2008 at 4:02 pm

[re=193724]roundofapplause[/re]: Oh jeez, you know, if you come to New York, Coulter’s books are out panhandling on the sidewalks with signs that say “Will self-destruct for food”. You don’t need to settle!

zetetic December 8, 2008 at 4:08 pm

Those aren’t Jew Cookies — they’re Hanukkah Throwing Stars, they come in sets of eight, and they are LETHAL when thrown. Or eaten.

mr guy December 8, 2008 at 4:27 pm


CivicHoliday December 8, 2008 at 4:28 pm

I can’t believe he actually included Maulana Karenga. I bet one million hobo dollars he had to Google that sob – “who created the black holiday?”

Got a 21, btw.

Larry McAwful December 8, 2008 at 4:33 pm

Here are the prizes you could win if you take Bill O’Reilly’s quiz:

20 or more right: You win Bill O’Reilly’s new book!
25 or more right: You win a collection of Bill Hoest’s “Howard Huge” cartoons!
30 right: perfect score: You don’t have to take either one!

zhubajie December 8, 2008 at 4:36 pm

[re=193635]actor212[/re]: Yes, that’s why the born-again preachers of the day damned them up one side and down the other. Especially Jefferson for his version of the Bible with all the miracles removed.

Anyway, Cromwell, the Baptist dictator, abolished Christmas in the 1640s.

Zhu Bajie

zhubajie December 8, 2008 at 4:39 pm

[re=193647]Fivetree[/re]: Yule and Saturnalia certainly were pagan holidays at the end of December. 25 December was the Dies Natali Solis Invicti: Birthday of the Unconquerable Sun.

Early Christians celebrated Easter.

Zhu Bajie

zhubajie December 8, 2008 at 4:41 pm

[re=193675]gjdodger[/re]: They actually have to do something. Congress these days just rubber-stamps whatever the Unitary Executive puts in front of them, kinda like in China.

Zhu Bajie

PerhapsSo December 8, 2008 at 4:50 pm

I got 32. Now, do I enter the contest to win Bilbo’s book?

Borat December 8, 2008 at 5:20 pm

Eid Mubarek Bill.

Lionel Hutz Esq. December 8, 2008 at 5:33 pm

It is hard to believe, but in the ’70s my liberal/hippie parents raised me in such a way that I didn’t know that Christmas was all about Bill O’Reilly.

Lionel Hutz Esq. December 8, 2008 at 5:36 pm

I keep forgetting: Bill O’Reilly or Mallard Filmore, which one is the bad comic strip character?

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us December 8, 2008 at 5:41 pm

“You could win Bill O’Reilly’s book! ”

SCORE!!! I’m actually about out of toilet paper.

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us December 8, 2008 at 5:42 pm

[re=193948]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Christmas is about the birth of the true christ: Santa Clause. Duh!

sezme December 8, 2008 at 6:06 pm

I got a 26! Can Bill blow me now? Neither of us would enjoy it, but he’d be more humiliated (probably)!

Red Headed StepChild December 8, 2008 at 6:14 pm

I think the funniest thing about that picture is that Bill doesn’t look anything like that. Have you seen the size of the bag of blubber hanging off this dude’s chin/neck (whatever the hell it is now)?! I can’t even pay attention to what he says because I’m to entranced by the bouncing sack of sea lion blubber. THAT’s why he canceled the radio show: you can’t hear him over the sound of that skin sack slapping around.

sanantonerose December 8, 2008 at 6:31 pm

Slanket = slutty blanket?

DP December 8, 2008 at 7:24 pm

Jeebuz, there’s about six THOUSAND questions on this fucking “quiz!” There is one question about latkes though, which is kind of close to falafel, so I’m satisfied….

Borat December 8, 2008 at 7:50 pm

Given all our Canadian friends activity over the weekend, if you can propose a suitable Boxing Day gift, I would appreciate it

Titteh McGee December 9, 2008 at 12:22 am
Titteh McGee December 9, 2008 at 12:31 am

[re=194232]Titteh McGee[/re]: Sorry, retarded about the blingee internets

naveed December 9, 2008 at 12:39 am

[re=193614]honkeyman[/re]: More commonly known as Jewkies, natch.

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