Only a couple of years after publication of the definitive closet-gay child’s escapist fantasy, Why Mommy Is a Democrat, some dingus has finally self-published the appropriate wartime response, Why Daddy Is A Republican. Because Daddy is John McCain? Oh, wrong children’s propaganda book.

Humans play no role in this tale, because it is an allegory, like the Pixar films.

Why Daddy Is A Republican is an illustrated children’s book that follows a family of bald eagles as it explains the basic tenants of the Republican Party in terms that children and adults alike can understand and appreciate.

In the first chapter, the bald eagle Daddy teaches his male children to suck cock and then cuts them up with his talons for being gay, to Jesus. This teaches the eaglets the first “tenant” of the Republican Party: Duality.

This book touches on a few of the most important issues of our day including terrorism, abortion, welfare, taxes, and moral relativism.

Oh yes, those are also “tenants.” The bald eagle Daddy teaches his children these lessons in an episode in which he refuses to give the slothful Black Hawk his, uh, field rat, for dinner.

Page Seven, the “original” of which can be yours for only $699.99.

The “tenant” here is that if you get an eagle-boner in the nest while Daddy and depressed Brother eagle are playing 101st Airborne-style war games, Daddy will look at you with consternation.

[Why Daddy Is A Republican]

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  • InsidiousTuna

    Newell, go back to sleep.

  • actor212

    If you can’t spell, maybe you shouldn’t try to use the word “tenet”?

    Just a thought.

    Of course, it could be that the book describes people who rent space in the Republican party. One wishes they might be evicted.

  • ManchuCandidate

    The truth is that this really should be a very short book.

    Why is Daddy a Republican in the 21st century?

    Because he’s a/an (flaming) asshole.

  • slithytoves

    [re=193078]actor212[/re]: Ahem, since Jim put “tenant” in quotation marks, I believe he was quoting the book. Just a thought.

  • actor212

    By the way, why do eaglets need parachutes?

    A true Republican would kick their shiftless asses out of the nest and warn them to straighten out and fly right or never come back.

  • sham69

    I think the answer to the question is “Because Daddy is a dumbass” but that’s just me.

  • actor212

    [re=193080]slithytoves[/re]: Slithy, I was referring to the book’s website.

  • Theodorick Of York

    Because Daddy was born with a wide stance and tapping talons.

  • freakishlystrong

    The real book here would by Why is ANYONE a Republican?

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    “Being so simply written it is a book that can even be shown to co-workers …”

    I brung da book that Rush told me to read but all my coworkers laffed at me.

    so I shooted them.

  • Monk4135

    I think this pretty much sums it all up – in the about the author section of the website: “Joseph E Pearce is a Florida native that grew up in the small horse-farming community of Anthony.” Also, the photo of him is priceless.

  • irativ

    …because Daddy is about 150 pounds overweight and never gets out of the house and never sees people who look different from him.

    Yeah that photo is amazing.

    Perhaps a new book “why daddy’s fat ass is costing our health care system more than thin athlete mommy the democrat.”

  • norbizness

    The original title Why Daddy Beats Mommy and Why Daddy Kicked That Salvation Army Worker Down the Flight of Stairs and Why Daddy Frequents Airport Bathrooms was considered too long and redundant given this shorter alternative.

  • irativ

    Illustrator, on the other hand…

    Hot but a crap artist.

  • norbizness

    I also love the author’s picture. Either he’s the first person made entirely out of Crisco or the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man traded in his little hat and scarf to go corporate.

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=193090]irativ[/re]: [re=193088]Monk4135[/re]: “Although never successful, Joseph has run for office on two separate occasions. Each time his platform was that of Reagan: strong security, small government, and low taxes”.

    Yep, that about says it all!

  • Palin-Plumber2012

    “Why Daddy Is A Republican is an illustrated children’s book that follows a family of bald eagles as it explains the basic tenants of the Republican Party in terms that children and adults alike can understand and appreciate.”

    What about adults who listen to talk radio?

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=193088]Monk4135[/re]: That photo is priceless. Especially considering he “spends his days writing computer programs for Fortune 100 companies …” and is an “IT strategist.”

    Here’s an IT strategy for you, Mr. Republican Doofus – don’t stretch a picture on teh intarwebs – it makes you look (even) fat(ter). Oh, and wipe the Cheetos crumbs off your chin before you pose for the clicky thingy.

  • grendel

    Haha, what a lie! Everyone knows Republicans are closeted gheys and do not procreate!

  • Palin-Plumber2012

    Also, I like the chapter where the daddy eagle poops from high above when asked to go to war, but cheerleads as eagles his son’s age go.

  • sailingthestyx

    followed the link to the home page…thanks; I know Monday’s are tough; but where do you find this shit?

    Certainly is a good thing that the illustrator is having little Noah and will be dutifully incapacitated for several years; though in certain parts of Florida you can live for months on $699.99…can imagine the debate that went into deciding,…”hmmm, 699.99 or 700…” and then the marketing wizard from Flat State Tech telling everyone…”never round to the dollar, leave it one fucking penny below the round number.”

    I’ve had to travel to Fla. on business, and at the end of every visit I swear that that’s it…nevermore. The theme from Deliverance always plays like an earworm when I’m there…

    Yep, there are some really great places along the coast, but 2 miles inland and it all seems like the land of Country Kitchen.

  • Spackle Camshaft Palin

    Daddy is a republican because he is dumb enough to believe that a parachute would work that close to the ground.

  • [re=193092]irativ[/re]: “Today, Cara’s paintings are literally flying off the shelf. ”

    Oh dear.

  • Terry

    Those eagles look like the chickhawk in the old Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. Highly appropriate, actually.

    “I’m a chicken hawk and yer a chicken”

  • CapnFatback

    [re=193106]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: Why do you think they cost so much money? Them paintings is magic!
    You know that old song:

    “There must have been some magic in those pastel crayons she found/for when she placed her art on the shelf, it literally flew off and around.”

  • rmontcal

    “The pretty lady said she would draw my jeebus book. But she will not let me touch her boobies. She smells like flowers. I smell like Crisco.”

  • null

    Actually, if daddy was a Republican and I was a teenage boy I would be worried…

  • CapnFatback

    [re=193088]Monk4135[/re]: It would appear that, of the horses they farmed, young Joseph was allowed to eat one for every one they sold to the man at the rendering plant.

  • WadISay

    Wow, this is like a first-folio Audubon, except way shittier and only about eagles.

  • rmontcal

    [re=193094]norbizness[/re]: hahaha Crisco. I thought of Crisco too before I read your comment.

  • shanemcgowan

    Did you see the picture of the author? He looks like he ate one of the Huckabee children.

  • gurukalehuru

    [re=193107]Terry[/re]: I say, I say, I say, that’s a JOKE, son, get it?, a joke.

  • MarieDeGournay

    [re=193111]rmontcal[/re]: Cara smells like trees.

  • obfuscator

    The website name “” is fucking terrifying to me.

  • shanemcgowan

    His next book will be called “Why Daddy is Jabba-the-Hut.”

  • WendyK

    Will someone please grab a screen shot before Tubby is tipped off about the tenant thing? Just want to save that for posterior. Heh.

  • charlesdegoal

    Republicans are landlords. They teach their tenants teh good manners.

  • Dildo Baggins

    Well the R’s certainly seem to have cornered the retard market here: 4th grade-level artwork and writing, especially among those who live in “Pan-Handle”s everywhere. And ya gotta admit, it does seem to be a pretty big demographic.

  • 4tehlulz

    Florida strikes again. Since this is the case, I expect a page or two dedicated to the Republicans’ defending the virtues of teenage boys through cybering. After all, he’s “an advocate for technology within the Republican party.”

  • NoWireHangers

    [re=193090]irativ[/re]: Erm, it doesn’t look like “Daddy” has any kids or a wife, making this whole “writing a book to male children” thing ever creepier. Although, he may have eaten the children he had. After “teaching” them about what it means to be a Republican. Now I’m creeping myself out.

  • qwerty42

    [re=193095]freakishlystrong[/re]: “Although never successful, Joseph has run for office on two separate occasions. Each time his platform was that of Reagan: strong security, small government, and low taxes”.
    I thought it might be that he is dead and this is some kind of play for the always-crucial zombie vote.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    “Why is Daddy always with Young Male Escorts” is actually the same book, different title.

  • Mustang

    Pierce obviously wants to nail Cara. He’s trying to get hs porky hand in her pants by letting her illustrate his stupid book, even though she can’t draw flies.

  • 4tehlulz

    Oh shit.

    Compare the the author

    to this guy.

  • Miller

    Where can I buy an original copy of the page where a black eagle gets a job instead of the white eagle, the white eagle knows he was more qualified and the black eagle only got it because of Affirmative Action, and becomes a Republican to stop an otter that looks like Nancy Pelsoi from stealing his guns?

  • azw88

    “A large portion of all proceeds go to help Cara establish her new studio so that she can share her passion with her fans and her soon to be born son, Noah Bolen. Congrats Cara!!!!

    Mrs. Bolen is a very talented artist whose career is only beginning. We encourage you to grab these historical pieces while you still can.”

    Based on the EPIC FAIL of the artwork of the book, I’d say that career is best left to painting storefront windows during various holidays and sales. She will will find quite a few takers in that field, especially all of those bankruptcy and going out of business sales.

    And for the ‘author’ of the story, isn’t he really just the dictator* of the story, since it is clear that the text of the story is part of the artwork?

    *I mean the person that dictates the story, not the Hitler/Hussein type…. oh wait, he’s a Republican, so that makes him that type of dictator too..

  • XOMuffintop

    As someone who lives in the same county as this literary lion, I can tell you that Palm Bay is a seething scab of a city filled with nothing but Taco Bells, Wal Marts and rednecks trying to be Eminem. Also, the school he graduated from is notorious for having shitty accreditations and is used as a dumping ground for rich exchange students who can’t get into any better schools. Also, the Republican Party here is more a Mountain Dew and Cheetos appreciation club mixed with a senior’s orgy. This douche combined with the “half-breed Muslin” sign guy makes Brevard County arguably the shittiest county outside West Virginia. All in all, I cannot wait for my wife and I to move away (but as I am working on a second degree at the “better” school around here and my wife has a kick ass job with one of the engineering firms around here so that may be a while). Also, living here gives me a tinge or superiority since I read, work with the Democratic Party around here and don’t bang my sister or think education is for the gays.

  • Borat

    This book couldn’t have been better timed. The alternative title is “Why Daddy will be bithcing and moaning for the next 8 years (or half of my childhood)”

  • el_chupacabra

    [re=193092]irativ[/re]: that is one hypen and panhandle happy chick.

  • XOMuffintop

    [re=193148]4tehlulz[/re]: Win.

  • mookworthjwilson

    I would have thought the website would have been an entirely different kind of deal altogether…where Lindsay Graham goes to find his new boytoy…

  • NoWireHangers

    [re=193154]XOMuffintop[/re]: You deserve an award just for living in Bumblefuck. I wouldn’t last.


    but does it explain why Daddy is a douche bag?

  • dirtyboypdx

    Hmmm…I wonder if the illustrator met the author on “”…I agree that that’s probably one of the most terrifying website names ever. Does Larry Craig have a personals profile on it?

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    [re=193106]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: Damned poltergeists. Who you gonna call?

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=193142]qwerty42[/re]: I’m just so sick of the Reagan shit…

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=193169]JDHART[/re]: Being a douchebag is one of their “tenants”…

  • OhWhyOhio

    If an appendage as infected and useless as Florida was hanging from your own body, you’d have that surgically removed. So, WHY are we still stuck with Florida hanging on?

    And yes, this comes from someone living in OHIO. I live in Ohio, and I am still judging you, Florida. How does that feel?

  • rmontcal

    [re=193142]qwerty42[/re]: small government, large trousers.

  • azw88

    “…explains the basic tenants of the Republican Party…”

    Simple enough to explain:
    The tenants are:
    1.fuckin rednecks
    2. greedy, heartless bastards
    3. failed sportscasters turned small-town mayor who backstab their way to the top
    4. Cranky old fuckers who don’t realize that the world left them behind (see Fred Thompson, John McCain, et al)

    That about sums it up, don’t ya think?

    (on a sad note, as an IT person myself, can I saw his web page building skills SUCK.. i mean fr chrisstsakes, spellecheck you dumb fat fuck! It is the front page of your business, not the comment section on a blog!)

  • jodyleek

    [re=193106]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]:
    “Today, Cara’s paintings are literally flying off the shelf.”
    Are the pictures possessed by demons? Or, perhaps they are being thrown in the trash from a long distance?

  • Borat

    OK, OK, come clean you guys. Who’s really behind this? Did you remember to insert some buttsecks photos on page 12 and any words from the Koran?

  • azw88

    [re=193183]azw88[/re]: saw?? saw?? say, goddammit, SAY …. fuck! cold this AM and fingers just don’t work!

  • Heywood Floyd

    Answer: Because Mommie left him for a Black man.

  • FMA

    [re=193185]jodyleek[/re]: No, they are committing suicide.

  • Tyrone Biggums

    WTF is up with the olive drab T-shirt that eaglet is rockin’ on pg.9?
    I didn’t even know eagles rolled like that.

  • quoth teh Raven

    [re=193139]NoWireHangers[/re]: GET IN MY BELLY!… Fat Bastard

  • Tyrone Biggums

    [re=193217]azw88[/re]: The bad part is it only got worse……

  • metropolitan

    my daddy was a republican because he liked the cock.

  • Min

    The mind simply boggles.

  • el_chupacabra

    [re=193158]el_chupacabra[/re]: err.. hypHen

  • XOMuffintop

    [re=193167]NoWireHangers[/re]: It takes a combination of Lexapro, a sturdy Amazon account and a certain kind of zen like ability to ignore 99% of the people inn Bree-Vard County. Plus, my family retired here (my dad is a wing nut who admitted to me that he likes Obama) and here folks work out at the Space Center (the only reason smart people come here). This combined with good jobs, being upside down on out house purchased right before the bust and a certain need to mock rednecks keeps me here and happy. Plus, of course, you fellow wonketters bringing the snark.

  • facehead

    Is this the sequel to “My Pet Goat” ?

  • Larry McAwful

    One thing about your dad protecting you from bullies: you will get relentlessly taunted by all the other kids if you can’t stand up for yourself in a fight and make your dad do it for you.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I had some Republican tenants once. I had to kick them out because they were always late on rent and the neighbors were complaining about the (Three!) 4WD pickups in various states of disassembly in the driveway.

    The nice lesbian couple I rent to now has a late model Jetta wagon and keep the house and yard spotless.

  • jdporter

    Um. Who said that “illustrator” is hot?
    Have a closer look:

    Also check the other album, “Nature’s Phenomenons”.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=193185]jodyleek[/re]: Continental Shelf?

  • actor212

    As Cara awaits her first son, Noah Bolen, she looks forward to a long and certainly popular career as an artist and is excited about illustrating her first book as a part of Why Daddy Is A Republican.

    So the illustrator is pregnant.

    Does this mean the author is now a daddy, an uncle, AND a brother?

  • Giant Robot

    Page 32: Republicans hate children, just like Daddy does.

  • CorkPopper

    [re=193279]XOMuffintop[/re]: Used to be, you could listen to decent live jazz at a place called Dino’s in Cocoa. Decent for central FL, that is. Not sure if it’s still there…

  • azw88

    [re=193304]Larry McAwful[/re]: I make my kids fend for themselves… In fact, I named my son SUE so he’d learn to be a tough MoFo… turns out, everyone thought it wasn’t his name, but a THREAT and that he had a lawyer on retainer……..

  • Giant Robot

    Page 52: Republicans have kids who like to smoke pot and get laid when they’re supposed to be at youth choir practice, just like Daddy does…

  • Larry McAwful

    [re=193367]azw88[/re]: So it worked out, then. That’s good.

    Every boy not named Sue needs to get a concealed-carry permit for his gun for his eighth birthday. Any later than that, it’s child abuse.

  • XOMuffintop

    [re=193362]CorkPopper[/re]: No, Dino’s is gone. I used to hang out a lot at the Dog and Bone before the Emos kids took it over. Recently, the wife and I have just been spending most of out free time in O Town since Brevard no longer shows any good movies, has no good bars and only 4 good places to eat. We havve decided that we are going to try and get out of redneskistan and move to either a real city or the UK in 2-3 years. This sucks mostly due tot hef act that I spent a lot of time here in Bree-Vard trying to get Hopey votes here (and called mostly an N-Lover or a commie for my troubles and feel like I have some kind of sweat equity here.

  • Hooray For Anything

    Is there a part in the book where daddy has trouble flying in the air due to all the pollution and how they might have to move because it’s getting to cold to subsist but instead of talking about how things need to be changed, thinks all of the pollution isn’t real but only the pleadings of a bunch of hippie environmentalists?

  • answerbird

    Finally, a briefing book Sarah can understand!

  • DeLand DeLakes

    FAIL. I knew that children’s books were in pretty sorry shape these days, but these illustrations simply suck shit. I guess all artists ARE big gay liberals, because these pictures look like the product of a lawn mower salesman’s weekend hobby.

  • jodyleek

    [re=193228]FMA[/re]: That made me laugh out loud. Thank you.

  • MarieDeGournay

    [re=193315]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Lesbians make the best neighbors. Our beautiful amazon neighbor grew tomotoes, peppers, watermelons, and corn (!) in our backyard. I miss her so.

  • humer

    If all you have attached to your harness and canopy are two suspension lines (even if those are center lines) then you’re going to have a real bad go of it.

  • Mahousu

    Hey, wait a sec – Noah’s already been born! What’s this about “Cara awaits her first son, Noah Bolen”??

    Kid does look like dad, though.

  • HuskyMescan

    Mommy, why does Daddy put corks up his butt ?

  • facehead

    [re=193590]HuskyMescan[/re]: A fine read, but don’t forget the other classic:

    “Why daddy has a wide stance.”

  • Come here a minute

    The illustrator was a beauty pageant contestant.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    My favorite chapter is the one where “Daddy” teaches “Jr.” how to tap his foot in the bathroom stall.

    [re=193359]Giant Robot[/re]: Blaspheme! Republicans have a love of children that borders on the illegal.

  • Borat

    [re=193546]Mahousu[/re]: She looked a lot better on the Republicandaddies site. Why?

  • Barrett808

    [re=193148]4tehlulz[/re]: John Wayne Gacy was a much better artist.

  • greg

    Hmm, here is the author hanging out with the illustrator and the illustrator’s husband, all in icy Jabba the Hut outfits.

    I’d bet a dollar in unearned food stamps that they’re brother and sister.

  • greensprout

    [re=193092]irativ[/re]: I think she looks more like someone tried to “sex up” K-Lo The Unibrowed Virgin. Also her bio includes this delightfully stupid line: “Today, Cara’s paintings are literally flying off the shelf.”

  • Bearbloke

    [re=193104]Spackle Camshaft Palin[/re]: Win!

  • JosephPearce

    I pray that the seething hatred and bitterness that is obviously torturing many of you will one day dissipate.

    I wish a very Merry Christmas to all of you.

    Joseph E Pearce

  • WendyK

    I had to come back because the author changed “tenant” to “tenet”, and lo and behold here he is! And we’re filled with “seething hatred” and “bitterness”! I love me the Republican wingnuts. “You smart and speek Englush so you bitter librul.” No, Joseph E, I don’t think that “hatred” and “bitterness” is the way I’d go with this one if I were you. After all, you’re peddling a trashy book where you try and demonstrate how Republicans are so superior to Democrats, them bein’ all strong and value-filled ‘n stuff. We laugh not because we’re bitter or filled with hate, but because you suck and your book takes Teh Lame to new heights. Believe you me, you have been the source of lots of hilarity around these parts. You have brought us all the Christmas Joy. Maybe not intentionally, but you did.

    The question on all of our minds: is “E” your entire middle name? The absence of a period would lead one to conclude so. Your parents wouldn’t happen to be hippies, would they?

  • lillyadams790

    Consider diversity when buying books for children It is important that children can relate to the character in the story. I found this really cool site that offers many diverse books.

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