Your Wonkette despises leaving the house, ever, except for such things as food, but even that can frequently come in the form of home delivery these days, what with the Internet and all. But it is Holiday season, alas, and we feel obligated to cover DC’s many terrible holiday parties! Last night, your Wonkette, along with visiting college friend operative “Stephen,” went to two (2) parties that had absolutely nothing to do with The Holidays. The first was a “send-off to the White House” shindig at the Hawk and Dove for Obama’s fierce new press secretary, Robert Gibbs! This was almost certainly a “party crash;” we had absolutely no business being there. The second was a 40th anniversary party or something for libertarian deathrag Reason, which was just a bunch of drunk Cato Institute staffers from Norway getting belligerent at a filthy bar in Dupont. Endless tales of treachery and violence follow.

First, apologies for the gritty camera work seen throughout. Your Wonkette forgot to charge its actual digital camera battery before leaving and was forced to use its BlackBerry camera. Later, it would take your Wonkette several hours to find a way, any way, to transfer these photos to a Mac. We lost a lot of good men obtaining these.

The party for Robert Gibbs, famous for being the Obama campaign’s communications director and spokesman, was an unusual occurrence. Not because it was prominent political journalists partying with their future chief White House source — that awful conflict of interest is what makes Washington so “great,” after all! It was strange because we were under the assumption that all reporters HATED ROBERT GIBBS’ FILTHY LYING GUTS. Anyway, it was open bar and we chugged a lot of gin in Solo cups, probably on the dime of “Obama for America.” Hmm!

Among the attendees was a “who’s who” of Conventional Wisdom: George Stephanopoulos, Karen Tumulty, Chris Cillizza, Marc Ambinder (maybe?). Some other people who were not recognizable from Internet stalking.

We talked with America’s favorite Bob Saget doppelganger, Jake Tapper of ABC News, whose blog was a frequent source for mean-spirited and useless Wonkette posts during the campaign. We said to Tapper something stupid like, “We write about your stuff a lot, on Wonkette,” and he responded in a STAGGERINGLY evil manner, “Oh, I KNOW.” (You must understand that every conversation Wonkette has at an event includes a moment when we try to explain away the various times we’ve called that person a “cocksmoker” or a “dickfuck” or something terrible.) Tapper was a delightful fellow anyhow; we told him that we’ve called him lovely things in the past (it’s true!) and blamed the mean stuff on you filthy commenters; we discussed the short-lived early ’90s sitcom The Powers That Be; and then Jake Tapper was gone, forever.

We also met the jolly fellow who writes everything for Politico, Ben Smith! “We just linked to your Muslim thing before coming here!” we barked at him. “And now you’re here,” he responded. And then Ben Smith was gone, forever.

Lastly, we introduced ourselves to Gibbs, the honoree. Operative “Stephen” for some reason was asking him to guest star on his teevee show (don’t ask). We asked if Gibbs was nervous about his upcoming role at the White House, and he responded, “a little.” Scoop! We then made an awkward joke about Helen Thomas dying of death disease during a press conference, or something similarly awful. Weird. Gibbs refused to have his cellphone picture taken. (“You’re saying that you want me. To be in a cellphone picture,” he deadpanned. Robert Gibbs is a stitch.)

Before leaving the party, we were asked to write a nice message on a poster to be given to Robert Gibbs from all of his Journalistic friends. This was not a wise thing to ask Wonkette:

We then traveled to homosexual enclave Dupont Circle to the Reason party. Editor Matt Welch was delighted to see us:

Over the course of the night, Matt Welch would tell us to “fuck off” in thousands of creative variations we’d never imagined possible.

Nick Gillespie, who also is the editor of Reason somehow, greeted us in his iconoclastic way, which is to beg for dead zombie sex:

In unison:

The most important person we met at this party was a certain longtime senior adviser of sorts from Ron Paul’s Congressional office. We told him we were with Wonkette, and he responded, “I am not supposed to like you.” We reminded him that in Libertarianism it doesn’t matter what you’re “supposed to do,” and there was silence. A pleasant fellow though, and we had some delightful conversation, and he is our new friend (ha ha how do you like that, Paultards).

Now. Your Wonkette cannot find the words to describe not only how drunk everyone at this party was, but also how drunk they would become by 1 a.m.

The behavior of operative “Stephen” is a good measure. “Stephen” decided it would be a good idea to steal Matt Welch’s glasses, from his face, and run around wearing them for 10 minutes. A fight nearly broke out when Stephen yelled at an Australian employee of the Cato Institute, “You are not fucking Australian you fuck” and suddenly we were surrounded by numerous goons from the Cato Institute. Your Wonkette engaged in heated diplomacy and the crisis was averted.

Later, as your Wonkette was sitting in a chair, spinning, one of the Cato goons came over, said some things (meh, who knows), we said some things back (probably “yo mama”), and next thing we knew he grabbed our arm to hold it down and was about to punch! Editor Matt Welch held him back and told everyone to fuck off motherfucker fucking fuck fuck, or something like that, the end.

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  1. As Tom Tommorrow’s Spark the Penguin once said of the White House Correspondent’s dinner: “It’s like high school, only Sam Donaldson is one of the cool kids.” Wonkette went to a wonk’s wingding.

  2. Did you remind Gibbs that he loved stupid cellphones when they were trying to do sexy text chats between Barry and his eleventy billion supporters?

  3. I’m unemployed in Chicago. Barrack won’t give me a job in his new administration. And all the fun is in D.C. WAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

  4. That damned Gibbs kid used to throw beer cans into my yard when he was leaving basketball games at Auburn High! He’ll do the same thing in DC, throwing his empties into Hussein’s new front yard. You gotta watch him like a hawk.

  5. geez, why are all the live and let live Libertarians such tense, nasty arses? They all sound as if they need anger management classes.

    Your comment on Gibbs’ poster is truly great. I know he will treasure it.

  6. Our heroic Wonkette. You were enduring this while I was in Manhattan, sipping kirsch from the slippers of the Ballets Trocadero. You ares HERoez!!

  7. Goons from the Cato Institute! Is that where you train to be the Green Hornet’s sidekick?
    I’m glad you got out of there safe Jim, physically at least.

  8. Basically, being libertarian means you can say “fuck” a lot, and threatening Wonkette.

    How is this different from the College Republicans?

  9. [re=192411]Doglessliberal[/re]: They are arses ’cause they’re full of bullshit, of course. Deep down they know it’s true.

    Just remember the magic phrase: “fuck you, you fucking fuckers”.

  10. A fight nearly broke out when Stephen yelled at an Australian employee of the Cato Institute, “You are not fucking Australian you fuck”

    I can’t be the only one who wants Stephen to be granted honorary associate editor status right away.

  11. Your message to Gibbs is poignant and perfect for our times. Bravo.

    P.S. I hope you used bluetooth to move your pictures to and fro.

  12. [re=192428]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: I did use bluetooth, after several hours, and I don’t even know what that is. I thought it had something to do with handless telephones.

  13. Sure, BIG PARTY Thursday night, I bet there will be another BIG Party tonight and Saturday night and our sweet little Wonkette will be alternately too Drunk or too hung over to post even one thing all weekend!!!! We’ll just all be down in the Hobo Jungle drinking alone.

  14. It’s amazing that Ben Smith & Jake Tapper even have the time to read Wonkette. What with Jakey busing tapping the Monica-esques of the world & sniffing out the ‘non smokers’ & Ben grieving over his fallen heroine, Hillster. It’s good to know they hate us!

  15. What is with you people hanging out with the Reason folks all the time? I mean this is like 4oth time you have posted something about “we love buttsecks with Reason.” I’m sure there’s good cause in your own right, but damn. I SMELL CONSPIRACY.

  16. “[W]e were surrounded by numerous goons from the Cato Institute.” Regardless, they still would have used their right hand to guard their pocket protectors as they swung girlie-man style with their left. Except for a facial scratch or two, you were in no danger,

  17. [re=192430]Jim Newell[/re] [re=192433]Doglessliberal[/re]: It is for phones (and other wireless devices like blackberries). It creates a little network between two devices (in this case, your Blackberry and Your Mac; or between a phone and those dumb ass earpieces with the blinking blue light).

    Anyway, I now feel the need to say that I am not some kind of dorky technology junkie. That is all.

  18. Listen, this is a one time deal, Wonkette- I’ll work for you as a “protector” at anyone of these political events you go to. The payment shall be cheap beer or a 3 month subscription to, or fuck it, I’ll do it for free if you just politely listen to my handjob jokes for 2+ hours. I’m familiar with the DC scene (got season tickets to DC United) and I live in Richmond, so I can make it up there in less than 2 hours. I speak Spanish and Italian fluently and I used to play high school football, so I speak Republican proficiently as well. I’m single, an Ares, and I read comic books. Don’t laugh, or else I’ll kiss you. Email me if you’re interested.

  19. [re=192443]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: I am so pathetic that I OWN an iPhone (the world’s coolest toy) and an iMac and use about 1% of what they can do for me. But I am slowly getting there.

  20. [re=192448]No Mommy!! IT BURNS!!![/re]: but pretend it was a witticism: the God of War would be great as a protector, no?

    and TWO HOURS of handjob jokes? The mind boggles.

  21. [re=192426]4tehlulz[/re]: You’d have to say that it’s not looking good for a bailout when Barney tells you to move along, faster, let’s go, come on!

  22. [re=192456]heroinmule[/re]: Dogless liberal is right. There is no pain. I made the switch about a year ago and it has been awesome and pain free.

    I will say that those Mac commercials with Justin Long make me want to punch a Mac user in the face.

  23. [re=192452]Doglessliberal[/re]:
    Two hours of hand jobs seems more interesting than jokes.

    A hand job is still a job for all you unemployed cubicle dwellers.

  24. wow, I am too old and unimportant to go to DC parties- although I am thinking of taking tea at the Mandarin Oriental after reading about it in the Post. however, on wednesday night as I walked from Farragut West to Gallery Place- meandering- down K, across Lafayette Square, past the Inaugural construction in front of the White House, into the new Obama Inaugural store- which is across the street from Treasury) I saw at least three parties.One was at the AFL-CIO across from the Hay Adams, one was in the building at 19th and Kwith the nice stained glass and I’m pretty sure they are starting the White House events because some dressed up Republican looking people were hanging around in front of treasury because one of the women had no ID(so I eavesdrop- call the FBI)- so her husband/escort was “running” back to the car(or just running away).

  25. [re=192450]Doglessliberal[/re]: Every time I learn to do something new on my mac I literally do a happy dance. When I figured out how to sync ical with the calender on my phone I literally told everyone I knew. And I now I am telling the internet. I am not the most accomplished nerd.

  26. Newell, what the fucking fuck! I was expecting nude pix of Our Wonkette cavorting in the fountain with the Reason turds. And NOTHING. I woke the kiddies up for this!

  27. I’ve been thinking about this chapstick, and it really helps our side to use as much chapstick as possible, although as a lubricant, it’s awful. I prefer 10W40, or 10W30 in the winter, or 5W30 or any lubricant with a heavy viscosity, though many orifices of the body produce their own lubricants or secretions. My favorite orifices are: the nose, the ear – the ear produces a gelatinous, wax-like substance which can be removed with a swab. Not to be confused with a swabby. Remember, never stick anything in your ear larger than a pirate. This could cause severe pillaging. “Arr! Jim-boy! Pieces of meat! What’s in those barrels anyway?”

  28. Dude, are you sure they were Libertarians and not Nihilists? Those guys can get pretty rough.

    Also, you have to be atomically hammered to nearly trade blows over whether an Australian guy is Australian. Was Stephen’s position that the guy was clearly a fucking New Zealander?

    Also, Crow seems to have lost his everlovin’ mind. Call the paramedics.

  29. [re=192445]No Mommy!! IT BURNS!!![/re]: I want to go to United games with you. We can make handjob jokes about the Chicago Fire or whoever.

  30. [re=192448]No Mommy!! IT BURNS!!![/re]: all that was missing was a “no pic, no reply” sign off. methinks Jim has a little MC on his hands…

    As to the rest, what the fucking fuck are the fucking dorks from the fucking Cato Institute for fucking fucks sake doing trying to throw down? Next time impolitely suggest that those dickwads return to their regularly scheduled Ayn Rand preference curve circle-jerk. Jeebus H. Christ, only way that story could have been more ridiculous would have been if the Australian cato institute douches were replaced with Stephen Hawking.

  31. [re=192830]InsidiousTuna[/re]:

    Sounds great. I’ll be the guy wearing a top hat and no pants, Section 215. If we’re playing Toronto, most of the hand job jokes will end with “eh?”.

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