Wonkette
- Barack Obama raised $750 million in a little over 21 months, which means he won’t qualify as “the first billion-dollar President” until he runs for re-election. (By 2012, rampant hyperinflation will mean that a billion dollars will buy you a candy bar.) [ABC News]
- Big Three auto executives made no progress yesterday pleading their case for a bailout with recalcitrant Senators. Maybe they’ll have better luck today with the House. [Washington Post]
- Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has shut down Parliament, which makes him a despot and also a huge dick. [International Herald-Tribune]
- Happiness is a disease … and, like tuberculosis, you tend to get it from people in close geographic proximity to you. [Los Angeles Times]
- Retailers who didn’t offer crazy discounts in November saw the worst sales figures in decades. And retailers who did offer big price reductions kept sales volumes barely afloat, but at the expense of their profit margins. [New York Times]
- Tom Daschle wants you to hold a “holiday health care party” and discuss over egg nog and gingerbread cookies how we are all doomed to starvation or diabetes or both. [Wall Street Journal]
SKS “By 2012, rampant hyperinflation will mean that a billion dollars will buy you a candy bar.”
Ever the optimist. I’m guessing it would be closer to a trillion for a candy bar.
Re: Fatty McGoo Harper.
Basically, you know that when the inept and weak Libs, NDP and Bloc Quebecois (for the past few years only agreed on shitting on each other) agree on kicking one’s ass then you know you really fucked up.
I’m not going to shit on the Governor General (GG) for now. The GG defers to the PM on such matters.
The automakers asked for $38 billion. The Senators are just waiting for the CEOs to go into the back room and talk to their sales managers and come out with a deal for $29 billion.
I work for a major Canadian bank, and some random-ass mortgage consultant in Calgary (read: “Canada’s Texas”) managed to CC an e-mail to EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE IN THE COUNTRY sending them some chain letter to sign an online petition against the Liberal coalition and for Harper. Someone’s ass is gettin’ fiiiired.
mattbolt:
Figures.
I keep reading that Calgary is allegedly the smartest neighborhood in Canada City by average IQ. Shit like this makes me wonder if they took a different test than the rest of us.
WIDTAP:
Congress demanded free undercoating and cup holders.
I want that ‘Chump’ representitive to ask the questions again for kicks.
No, no. When the economy truly crashes and burns it’s deflation you’re worried about. By 2012 with that $700 million you’d be able to buy everyone home in America.
WIDTAP: I’ll take that car offer, but only if it includes the undercoating for only $400.
Oh, but what a candy bar that will be!
Total leadership deficit in the Liberal and Conservative parties in Canada. Imagine a duel between GWB and Michael fucking Dukakis (if he spoke with a heavy French accent).
Jack Layton has the cojones but no resources and a platform that many Canadians find… how do you say… offensively socialistic and overly democratic.
They’re basically fucked until Harper and Dion are replaced by their parties.
ManchuCandidate: damn, you win. i guess undercoating is too easy a target
Serolf Divad: But only if you use the new Ron Paul dollars, backed by his solid gold cock.
Hyperinflation will NOT mean that we should rush out and buy wheelbarrows now to carry enough money to buy bread. This is not Weimar Germany, folks. Your Hummers are big enough to transport bread money (assuming that they haven’t been repossessed by that time).
WIDTAP: WIN!
Remember, Canadians: no matter what happens in your pending civil war, the US wins. Hope you enjoy statehood!
But which candy bar would he be? My money says Charleston Chew.
Ack! Happyiness!Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
Borat:
I want Samuel Jackson to sit behind the podium, and as soon as the auto execs start dissembling go all Pulp Fiction on their asses.
Samuel Jackson: [shoots Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli] I’m sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn’t mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about best intentions. What’s the matter? Oh, you were finished. Well then, allow me to retort. What do the American people feel like?
Rick Wagoner: What?
Samuel Jackson: What country are you from?
Rick Wagoner: What?
Samuel Jackson: What ain’t no country I ever heard of. They speak English in What?
Rick Wagoner: What?
Samuel Jackson: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?
Rick Wagoner: Yes.
Samuel Jackson: Then you know what I’m sayin’!
Rick Wagoner: Yes.
Samuel Jackson: Describe what The American people feel like!
Rick Wagoner: What?
Samuel Jackson: Say what again. Say what again, motherfucker, say what one more Goddamn time!
Rick Wagoner: They’re p…p…p… pissed.
Samuel Jackson: Go on.
Rick Wagoner: They’re angry…
Samuel Jackson: Do they look like a bitch?
Rick Wagoner: What?
[Samuel Jackson shoots Rick Wagoner]
Samuel Jackson: DOES THEY LOOK LIKE A BITCH?
Rick Wagoner: No!
Samuel Jackson: Then why you try to fuck them like a bitch, Rick?
Rick Wagoner: I didn’t.
Samuel Jackson: Yes you did. Yes you did, Rick. You tried to fuck them. And the American people don’t like to be fucked by anybody, except their spouses.
In my experience, happiness is transmitted more like chlamydia than like tuberculosis.
Oh, Barak. Your talents are wasted on the presidency. You could be an Amway gazillionaire by now!
Holiday season parties to brainstorm? What nation does he think this is, Sweden? All our brainstorms are light drizzles.
Serolf Divad: I’m giving you a win, there. I’m going to infect my organization’s hierarchy with happiness, because I will be visualizing Samuel L. Jackson showing up at staff meeting on Monday morning.
Perhaps this Herald Tribune story is from one of Prince Andrew’s comedy newspeppahs…
nurple:
Queen Lizzy and Buddy Cole are not amused.
Tom Daschle wants you to hold a “holiday health care party” and discuss over egg nog and gingerbread cookies how we are all doomed to starvation or diabetes or both.
With enough egg nog, we can all be doomed to heart disease and liver disease!
mattbolt:
Oooh, you get INTERESTING “reply all” accidents. I get ones that say “whoever left that thing there should take care of it”. Yeah, right away.
Come here a minute: Silk makes Soynog-no dairy and no alcohol and the cookies will be from the Arrowhead gingerbread mix(A free cookie cutter is included!) - organic/whole wheat and you use a little canola oil and egg whites to make them. I think that is what he was planning for people to serve. Or perhaps it is virtual food and beverage.
Serolf Divad:
I have a serious crush on Serolf Divad. I’m writing his name all over the cover of my notebook right now.
4tehlulz: “Ron Paul’s solid gold cock” gives a whole new meaning to injecting liquidity.
I see Big Three CEOs giving rimjobs before Christmas. Any takers?
These auto execs don’t know anything about salesmanship. Not even a “Now what do I need to do to put myself in a bailout today?” during the testimony.
what, did someone make the Prime Minister sit at the back of the plane or something?
Make no mistake: Yes, Obama is a half-breed, but he is ALL Muslin.
mattbolt: Someone who considers Calgary Canada’s Texas has never lived in Calgary or Texas. It’s like Texas with mass transit, good public health care, the best public schools in the world, really, really freakin’ cold weather, and terrible Mexican food.
Harper would resign if he had an ounce of integrity, but here we are. Frankly, the month-long parliamentary recess is the best possible outcome: this “coalition” of Lieberals, socialists, and secessionists should die like a 3-headed calf. But if they live for a month, then let them have the keys.
I’m all about punishing the retard that causes the problem, and Harper (though very smart) has the EQ of a turnip. He made this completely unnecessary mess, so let him reap the consequences. Even though I find a government with a pile of secessionists in it an affront.
NewAlgier:
That never stopped Harper till the tables turned on him.
As an avid coin collector, the coming economic crisis is win/win for me. Because if hyperinflation makes a candy bar costs a billion dollars, then we’ll probably have to make new coins worth denominations like $10,000,000, $50,000,000, $100,000,000, $250,000,000, etc. However, if we get crazy-ass deflation, it’ll make sense for the Mint to start churning out coins worth $0.005, $0.001, $0.002, etc. The new varieties would rock! Paper money would start with denominations of something like 5¢.
Either way, it’s change you can believe in!
Larry McAwful:
A relative of mine was a stamp collector. He had a whole bunch of stamps from Weimar Germany with 1,000,000+ DM values on them. The largest value that I recall was about 500,000,000.
Is there a blog somewhere that talks about American politics?
Serolf Divad: Win.
Serolf Divad: I want to have your babies.
(That’s a compliment.)
The “Big 3″ are the biggest 3 idiot fuckers of all time! When are they going to realize that they will not be gettin teh welfare & Congress is filming them in an undercover episode of Punk’d?
Serolf Divad: Excellent. For the 3rd kill, I’d like to see John Travolta take care of it but inadvertently shooting the guy in the back seat of the car.
V572625694: No. All your blog are now belong to us.
Harper’s problem is NOT that he’s a “huge dick.” It is that he HAS no dick. Or balls. He’s the schoolyard bully who’s spent the past few years poking his opponents in the eye with a sharp stick, daring them to respond: “What are YOU gonna do about it?” Now they’ve ganged up on him and he’s run home to Mommy, begging for a face-saving escape. But in late January, he’s still gonna have to go BACK to school, and six weeks worth of propaganda time ain’t gonna save his pasty white whale ass.
Massive smackdown awaits our Steve. His next slogan ought to be “Smart enough to win, but too dumb to govern.”
It’s over, Steve. Ask Lyin’ Brian if you can crash on his couch come the end of January.
Larry McAwful: This explains your detailed knowledge of copper, zinc and steel pennies. Please tell me what metal to invest in to prepare for the spike in demand when the $100m coin begins production?
NewAlgier - are you sure you’re talking about the same Calgary? In Alberta? Apart from year-round cold and the bad food I’m just not recognizing it. “Big 3″ - make them worker-owned in exchange for a bailout - they couldn’t do a worse job than the current directors and financial ‘elites’.
Harper and W both subscribe to the “I’m Gonna Hold My Breath Until I Get What I Want” school of tact.
Borat: Okay, it’s Movie Friday.
Larry McAwful: I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Borat: Yes, sir.
Larry McAwful: Are you listening?
Borat: Yes, I am.
Larry McAwful: Plastics.
Borat:
Now, clearly they’d drive to Michael Moore’s house to dispose of the body (”Did you see a sign when you drove in that says ‘dead CEO parking?!’). But I’m not sure who they’d call to help clean up the mess.
NewAlgier: I will take sexy Gilles Duceppe and the Secessionist Crew over Jack Layton’s molestache any day.
WIDTAP: Maybe they can set up a lease instead of a bailout. $1.2B per month for 36 months / $4B due at signing.
Yeah, that happiness stuff really is contagious. Last night when I was in kind of a grumpy, stressed out mood, making dinner, my 8-year-old was sitting at the table, making Xmas cards for her grandmas and cousins, singing “Frosty the Snowman” in her perky cheerful little voice.
So I punched her in the throat.