Wonkette
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hello, everyone! Did you miss Cartoon Violence, last Friday, when you were reading the Internets when you should have been celebrating the day after Thanksgiving by crushing innocent Wal-Mart temp workers to death? You were no doubt alone in the house as you sat in front of your computer screen, your Cheeto-stained fingers typing out the addresses of various porn sites, so you were probably naked. Because this week is a “work week” (for those of you who still have jobs), you’re probably not naked now. But guess who is naked! That’s right: various persons in cartoons!
Click the cartoons to see the sinful nakedness in more detail!
First up in our Cavalcade of Cartoon Nudity is good old (and we do mean old! ha ha!) Uncle Sam. Now, at first, you might think, “Hey, that’s great! Our treasured national symbol may be getting on in years, but he sure isn’t uptight about trying new things! He’s willing to let it all hang out — literally!” Oh, but one look at this drawing and you’d realize your wrongness, my friends. Uncle Sam is clearly humiliated by the exposure of his pasty skin and floppy man-boobs. No, like everyone in America, Uncle Sam is now poor, so he thought he’d make a little money by answering an ad for “photographic models” on Craigslist. Unfortunately, the address given turned out to be an apartment full of creepy masturbating perverts, but much like CoCo in Fame, he feels compelled to go through with the performance.
“Don’t worry,” the perverts told our old, humiliated Uncle, “these pictures will remain totally private. You have our word of honor.” Naturally they were on the Internet (at http://www.hotnakedunclesam.com) within minutes. Because we live in an historical moment when an upsurge of political idealism coexists with the usual unspeakable depravity, this gave rise to a whole new trend: “sexy” patriotic costumes! Here we can see a couple of hot young people with loose morals, energized by Obama’s victory, getting their Inauguration Ball outfits ready: sexy Lady Liberty and sexy Uncle Sam! They will make out during the Inaugural Address, but still freeze to death, because sexy outfits are not warm enough.
As usual when we Americans figure out something awesome, like nudity, the Foreigns want in on it. “Hey, everybody,” says The World, “I also would enjoy being naked! Hold on a second … let me just … undo my belt … huh, I think it’s stuck … wait, I’ll get it, I swear …” Meanwhile, all the cool kids have moved on, because there’s nothing less sexy than some pudgy foreign dude in an ill-fitting suit jacket getting ready to take his pants off. Trust me on this one.
With this rash of nudity afoot, some folks had a sudden and horrifying idea. “Oh my God,” they thought, “what if George W. Bush is naked?” They rushed to the White House to make sure to nip any such move towards presidential nudity in the bud. What they found was a sort of good news/bad news situation: the figure in the chair behind the Oval Office desk was in fact still fully clothed, but upon closer inspection it actually turned out to be not a live presidential person at all, but rather some kind of inflatable sex doll. Presumably Bush left the inflat-o-Bush behind as a decoy when he fled south to Paraguay.
Nobody can really say exactly how long we’ve been taking orders from the sex doll. It may have been as long as eight years.
Now, Barack Obama taking his clothes off — that’s presidential nudity we can believe in, am I right everybody? Oh yeah, Mr. President-Elect, you’re looking pretty good in those nicely tailored clothes, but you’re going to look even better out of them. Uh huh, that’s right, unzip that zipper … kind of weird that there’s a zipper down the front of that dress shirt, but never mind that … and let’s see that hot bodOH MY GOD! WHAT … IT’S BILL CLINTON! HE MADE A SUIT OUT OF BARACK OBAMA’S SKIN AND WAS WEARING IT! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT’S THAT MONSTER DONE WITH OBAMA’S FLAYED BODY? THIS IS HORRIFYING! I … I THINK I’M GOING TO BE SICK!
Uncle Sam was humiliated when the pictures first went public, of course, but after a while, he got used to the idea that everyone had seen him naked. And those guys from the Craigslist ad had paid him pretty well, he had to admit that. When they called again for a second session, he figured, what did he have to lose? It’s not like there was anyone left who didn’t know what he looked like with his clothes off.
Unfortunately, this time around, after he stripped naked they killed, cooked, and ate him.
No Jeff Gannon?
Lesson Learned: Cartoonists need to get laid.
Roast Uncle Sam isn’t all that tasty.
Too many issues with E. Coli and the meat’s too fatty.
Looks like the world is removing it’s belt to warm King George’s ass.
“BUSH CLEANING”? Oh come on!
Damn you, elitist job-suckling cartoonists with your outsourced “India” ink!
The Bill Clinton cartoon is just way too Silence-Of-The-Lambs-y for comfort.
obfuscator: “CLEANERS”, genius.
BarthexDeRosa: At least the artist didn’t recreate the “tuck” scene.
Finally. It’s about time someone told Donald Duck to put on some pants.
ManchuCandidate: But I hear it tastes like pork–wakka wakka!
I see Bill is wearing his Bodacious Boxers O’ Luv. The unzipped fly must save loads of time.
I think I saw the Bush sex doll in a store the other day, right next to the Dick Cheney “shot-in-the-face” BDSM gear.
Mr. World is obviously in the throes of heroin withdrawal. He went and sold his ass in order to score; now he’s removing his belt so as to tie off his arm.
I think the South Korea cartoon is the world tightening its belt due to the economic crisis, which… when you think about it… is a hilarious conceit for a cartoon. ROTFLMAO.
I suppose that cartoon with the “World” is meant to represent “tightening the belt” economically, but I can’t escape the image that the Earth is just fixin’ to beat Mars or Venus silly with that there belt…
just wonderin- do men still wear those little sock-garter things? or has technology improved so that socks stay up on their own these days? Hell, maybe unc sam is the only one who still wears them.
I need Brain Bleach (TM?) after fat, Naked Uncle Sam
Even with his clothes on, Hopey has a great tush.
Naked? Cheeto-stains? Teh pron???
WTF? Is this like Orwellian 1984 and you can actually see me?
I’ve been wearing a burlap sack since September…
Do you know why they call Clinton Buffalo Bill?
@obfuscator: I’m guessing it was too easy a joke so they skipped it. Also: the guy across from AIG looks truly psychotic and is probably more interested in eating his dinner companions than the meal.
Who ever woulda thunk that the World actually is rotund Jorge W. Bush replete with crotch wedgie?
glen mccoy reminds me of the political cartoonist character in the onion
Neon Trotsky: It’s not a representation of the the world, it’s just some dude. His name is Jeff World. GM laid him off, and his variable APR house payment jumped $500 in 18 months. He’s totally going to hang himself with his belt.
ella: Hot Hot Hot
mmmm, porn and cheetos….
Rush:
but not necessarily in that order: bow before the awesome of the orange willie.
Do I get royalties for this post or anything? Haha, just kidding! Wonkette has no money.
…But seriously, do I?
Rush: Even better… cheeto porn!
Hey, the hotnakedunclesam.com link doesn’t work.
Am I the first to notice that most of these “cartoons” sort of blow?
I like ones where they show Wall St. investment types and Big 3 auto makers ramming it up the cloaca of the American public and laughing like jackals. Just don’t see that any more. I’m nostalgic. Must be the holidays…*sniff*….
I’m always naked under my clothes.
Hello, Josh Freud. Lets talk about mommy.
BarthexDeRosa: Or Men In Black. Literally.
PineyWoodster: not yet, anyway…
Neon Trotsky: Oh good, glad I’m not the only one who saw that and thought, “damn, somebody’s ’bout to get WHOOPED”
Third cartoon: Is the world stripping or merely removing its belt to give us a little discipline…of the fiscal sort of course.
Last cartoon: second guy from the right facing us looks like he has a bullet hole in his forehead. Is he some Wall Street big wig or is he Salozo and if so does that mean that Barak is going to solve our financial problems by shooting all the CEOs and then moving to Sicily?
dannygutters: McCoy is a fucking hack shitstain motherfucker. His cartoons are like fucking your wife in the ass in an attempt to impregnate her: you’re doing it wrong, nothing new is created, and you wind up with nothing but Santorum to show for the effort. He should hang himself.
While winter in our nation’s capitol is a very comfortable time, it is suggested that proper attire be worn in situations of temperatures that might be considered frigid. It is best to have at least one top hat, decorated of course with bunting and stars, much like many sights you will see along our magnificent buildings, and some public houses. The District of Columbia welcomes citizens of our great country, and the world, to feel free to experience nudity in the cradle of modern democracy. Lets also point out our many fine hospitals and clinics that can treat exposure. All in all, in a free society, the representation of that freedom, Washington DC, is here to demonstrate that nudity in winter is one of the rights that our founding fathers had in mind when they conceived a free society. Thank you for visiting. Please stack your clothing neatly at the Lincoln memorial.
PineyWoodster: Server flame-out from too much traffic too fast…. when will they ever learn?