Let’s Get Naked

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hello, everyone! Did you miss Cartoon Violence, last Friday, when you were reading the Internets when you should have been celebrating the day after Thanksgiving by crushing innocent Wal-Mart temp workers to death? You were no doubt alone in the house as you sat in front of your computer screen, your Cheeto-stained fingers typing out the addresses of various porn sites, so you were probably naked. Because this week is a “work week” (for those of you who still have jobs), you’re probably not naked now. But guess who is naked! That’s right: various persons in cartoons!

Click the cartoons to see the sinful nakedness in more detail!

First up in our Cavalcade of Cartoon Nudity is good old (and we do mean old! ha ha!) Uncle Sam. Now, at first, you might think, “Hey, that’s great! Our treasured national symbol may be getting on in years, but he sure isn’t uptight about trying new things! He’s willing to let it all hang out — literally!” Oh, but one look at this drawing and you’d realize your wrongness, my friends. Uncle Sam is clearly humiliated by the exposure of his pasty skin and floppy man-boobs. No, like everyone in America, Uncle Sam is now poor, so he thought he’d make a little money by answering an ad for “photographic models” on Craigslist. Unfortunately, the address given turned out to be an apartment full of creepy masturbating perverts, but much like CoCo in Fame, he feels compelled to go through with the performance.

“Don’t worry,” the perverts told our old, humiliated Uncle, “these pictures will remain totally private. You have our word of honor.” Naturally they were on the Internet (at http://www.hotnakedunclesam.com) within minutes. Because we live in an historical moment when an upsurge of political idealism coexists with the usual unspeakable depravity, this gave rise to a whole new trend: “sexy” patriotic costumes! Here we can see a couple of hot young people with loose morals, energized by Obama’s victory, getting their Inauguration Ball outfits ready: sexy Lady Liberty and sexy Uncle Sam! They will make out during the Inaugural Address, but still freeze to death, because sexy outfits are not warm enough.

As usual when we Americans figure out something awesome, like nudity, the Foreigns want in on it. “Hey, everybody,” says The World, “I also would enjoy being naked! Hold on a second … let me just … undo my belt … huh, I think it’s stuck … wait, I’ll get it, I swear …” Meanwhile, all the cool kids have moved on, because there’s nothing less sexy than some pudgy foreign dude in an ill-fitting suit jacket getting ready to take his pants off. Trust me on this one.

With this rash of nudity afoot, some folks had a sudden and horrifying idea. “Oh my God,” they thought, “what if George W. Bush is naked?” They rushed to the White House to make sure to nip any such move towards presidential nudity in the bud. What they found was a sort of good news/bad news situation: the figure in the chair behind the Oval Office desk was in fact still fully clothed, but upon closer inspection it actually turned out to be not a live presidential person at all, but rather some kind of inflatable sex doll. Presumably Bush left the inflat-o-Bush behind as a decoy when he fled south to Paraguay.

Nobody can really say exactly how long we’ve been taking orders from the sex doll. It may have been as long as eight years.

Now, Barack Obama taking his clothes off — that’s presidential nudity we can believe in, am I right everybody? Oh yeah, Mr. President-Elect, you’re looking pretty good in those nicely tailored clothes, but you’re going to look even better out of them. Uh huh, that’s right, unzip that zipper … kind of weird that there’s a zipper down the front of that dress shirt, but never mind that … and let’s see that hot bodOH MY GOD! WHAT … IT’S BILL CLINTON! HE MADE A SUIT OUT OF BARACK OBAMA’S SKIN AND WAS WEARING IT! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT’S THAT MONSTER DONE WITH OBAMA’S FLAYED BODY? THIS IS HORRIFYING! I … I THINK I’M GOING TO BE SICK!

Uncle Sam was humiliated when the pictures first went public, of course, but after a while, he got used to the idea that everyone had seen him naked. And those guys from the Craigslist ad had paid him pretty well, he had to admit that. When they called again for a second session, he figured, what did he have to lose? It’s not like there was anyone left who didn’t know what he looked like with his clothes off.

Unfortunately, this time around, after he stripped naked they killed, cooked, and ate him.