Cute Symbol of Global Warming Now Up For Sale

  sucks to be knut


Gas will soon cost less than a buck a gallon, as nobody has a dollar, and nobody has a job to drive to anyway. Even Wal-Marts are closing down. And now Knut the cute polar bear, who was photographed topless by Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair just last year, is an unwanted and unloved victim of the global economic meltdown.

Knut used to be the darling of that other global meltdown story we used to pretend to worry about, back when we had food and iPhones and wifi dildos from The Sharper Image. But now Knut is all washed up, just a big-ass nasty-ass smelly fish-suckin’ sack of off-white shit, all growling at children. Nobody wants to see that. These days — even in a previously wealthy socialist-Nazi state such as Germany, where Knut currently lives — humans will not pay money to see animals unless those animals are being cooked up, for dinner, for the people to eat.

So the Berlin Zoo is saying good-bye to the polar bear. Do you want this washed-up animal? Call the zoo, we guess, and speak German. It might be cheaper if you have it killed there and just sent in pieces, by DHL. [DHL just went out of business in America. Sorry. -- Ed.]

This is the second time the dumb beast has been abandoned — the first time, Knut’s own mother didn’t want him. And that was when he was all cute and fuzzy!

The same sorta deal happened to Washington’s magic panda mascot, Butterstick. It was all cute and also a baby, but then it grew into the usual D.C. adolescent (a crack whore) and that was the end of that.

Let’s take a moment to remember “The Cute Knut.”

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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49 comments

  1. shortsshortsshorts

    After reading the first sentence, I was certain without a doubt that it was the apocalyptic editor, by that I mean it was Cox.

  2. quoth teh Raven

    When my fur was no longer dazzling white and I gained a few pounds, my family dumped me too… Poor Knut.

  3. FreshCliches

    So we’re dealing with an animal that smells like fish, shits in the snowy frozen tundra, and was rejected by family?

    Stay the fuck out of Wisconsin. That’s my turf.

  4. V572625694

    This is dangerously close to backsliding into the dark days of panda-worship. Deliver us, Ken! We’re a’feared! Praise Jeebus!

  5. V572625694

    [re=191361]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Seen Original Wonkette on MSNBC lately? Wasn’t she kinda doable at one time? Not no more.

  6. ToeCramps

    Forget this Knut bear! I have my first-born for sale at a 50% discount! I need gas to get to the unemployment line! Sheesh!

  7. Watchreader

    a) yay hottie newscasters!
    b) when did it start being pronounced “ka-noot”? I always thought the k was silent.

  8. flapjackjackson

    In these tough economic times take solace in the knowledge that slapping around the mentally handicapped on teamsarah.org is free. Try it, you might like it!

  9. obfuscator

    Like most washed up child stars, Knut will end up “starring” in a soft-core porn movie and robbing a liquor store in Los Angeles before finally dying after an overdose of heroin. Knut’s body will be discovered three days later in an Oklahoma trailer park.

  10. freakishlystrong

    We’re such a youth culture, poor little Knut gets moody and a few zits, whines “I’m sure” all the time, and now they can’t give him away…

  11. PrairiePossum

    Aren’t those Obama kids still looking for a puppy? Why not bring whitey bear to the White House?

  12. Gopherit

    It bothers me that cheney’s retirement (and therefore imminent “canned” hunting marathon) coincides so closely with Knut being put on the market. Say it ain’t so, Germany!

  13. chocotaco911america

    Why is Richard Roth reporting this? He was CNN’s UN correspondent for years. Not enough cute polar bears at the UN I guess.

  14. ManchuCandidate

    Poor bear should go to Hollywood and hang out with other child stars who have fallen out of favor because they got ugly or discovered to be untalented as adults. If Knut can chow down the Two Coreys and Danny Bonaduce then he will have done humanity a favor.

  15. V572625694

    [re=191406]Gopherit[/re]: AMC was hilarious and sexy in this venue. Somehow it doesn’t work on the teevee, at least for me. But that sandwich recipe definitely has way kinky possibilities.

  16. obfuscator

    [re=191402]PrairiePossum[/re]: Barry regrets his decision after the press learns that Malia has decided to rename Knut “Honky Bear”.

  17. bryan j

    [re=191367]FreshCliches[/re]: People of the land of beer and cheese unite!
    Knut and Butterstick should fight to the death. And the loser gets made into Bratworst.

  18. obfuscator

    [re=191417]ManchuCandidate[/re]: How about Knut collaborates on a new blog with Andrew Sullivan? They could call it “Knut & the Bear”.

  19. Pop Socket

    [re=191361]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Ah, the Golden Age when Wonkette was assfucking (not buttsecks) and pandas 24/7. Those were our salad days.

  20. Pizzuti

    Argh get it right, it’s not pronounced KUNOOT, it’s KNUT!

    His keeper died!? In the video that guy was like 27!

  21. amyazz

    perhaps they can sell him to the russians for putin’s next b-day? i’m sure he needs something new to shoot by now….

  22. Miller

    Am I allowed to hunt Knut from my helicopter on my sprawling ranch? Not kill him, but every day buzz the little shit and pump him full of tranquilizers. You know, so I don’t have to fly up to Alaska or Antarctica or wherever the white bears live.

    http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/

  23. AxmxZ

    Poor Knuti. He brought them $10 million in ticket sales, and they are going to kick him out? Bastards.

  24. picyou

    They should have clubbed him to death while he was still cute and fuzzy. Harvest him while he still had some market value.

  25. hobospacejungle

    [re=191383]Watchreader[/re]: b) when did it start being pronounced “ka-noot”? I always thought the k was silent.

    In German, the letter K is pronounced, even when placed before another consonant. As in der Kneipe, the pub. Or Knut, the cub.

  26. villageatrois

    For lo, was’t thou not tiny and cuddly and soft of fur? Did thy tiny face not alight the eyes of she who suckled thee?

    And now, dost not thou shit in the forest, unmannered of the joggering kind?

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