SUCKS TO BE KNUT  3:59 pm December 4, 2008

Cute Symbol of Global Warming Now Up For Sale

by Ken Layne

Gas will soon cost less than a buck a gallon, as nobody has a dollar, and nobody has a job to drive to anyway. Even Wal-Marts are closing down. And now Knut the cute polar bear, who was photographed topless by Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair just last year, is an unwanted and unloved victim of the global economic meltdown.

Knut used to be the darling of that other global meltdown story we used to pretend to worry about, back when we had food and iPhones and wifi dildos from The Sharper Image. But now Knut is all washed up, just a big-ass nasty-ass smelly fish-suckin’ sack of off-white shit, all growling at children. Nobody wants to see that. These days — even in a previously wealthy socialist-Nazi state such as Germany, where Knut currently lives — humans will not pay money to see animals unless those animals are being cooked up, for dinner, for the people to eat.

So the Berlin Zoo is saying good-bye to the polar bear. Do you want this washed-up animal? Call the zoo, we guess, and speak German. It might be cheaper if you have it killed there and just sent in pieces, by DHL. [DHL just went out of business in America. Sorry. -- Ed.]

This is the second time the dumb beast has been abandoned — the first time, Knut’s own mother didn’t want him. And that was when he was all cute and fuzzy!

The same sorta deal happened to Washington’s magic panda mascot, Butterstick. It was all cute and also a baby, but then it grew into the usual D.C. adolescent (a crack whore) and that was the end of that.

Let’s take a moment to remember “The Cute Knut.”

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Hola wonkerados.

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shortsshortsshorts December 4, 2008 at 4:03 pm

After reading the first sentence, I was certain without a doubt that it was the apocalyptic editor, by that I mean it was Cox.

quoth teh Raven December 4, 2008 at 4:03 pm

When my fur was no longer dazzling white and I gained a few pounds, my family dumped me too… Poor Knut.

charlesdegoal December 4, 2008 at 4:04 pm

Who else but Madam Governor Palin?

FreshCliches December 4, 2008 at 4:04 pm

So we’re dealing with an animal that smells like fish, shits in the snowy frozen tundra, and was rejected by family?

Stay the fuck out of Wisconsin. That’s my turf.

rambone December 4, 2008 at 4:05 pm

I bet Charlie Crist has a lot of openings that Knut could fill.

V572625694 December 4, 2008 at 4:05 pm

This is dangerously close to backsliding into the dark days of panda-worship. Deliver us, Ken! We’re a’feared! Praise Jeebus!

V572625694 December 4, 2008 at 4:07 pm

[re=191361]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Seen Original Wonkette on MSNBC lately? Wasn’t she kinda doable at one time? Not no more.

ToeCramps December 4, 2008 at 4:07 pm

Forget this Knut bear! I have my first-born for sale at a 50% discount! I need gas to get to the unemployment line! Sheesh!

metropolitan December 4, 2008 at 4:08 pm

white folks just can’t get a break these days.

Borat December 4, 2008 at 4:08 pm

I’ve been looking for a clean polar-bear skin rug. Did Palin put this up on Ebay yet?

nurple December 4, 2008 at 4:09 pm

Knut is probably still young enough to be dumped in Nebraska?

Watchreader December 4, 2008 at 4:10 pm

a) yay hottie newscasters!
b) when did it start being pronounced “ka-noot”? I always thought the k was silent.

freakishlystrong December 4, 2008 at 4:11 pm

[re=191369]rambone[/re]: Oh Rambone, I LOLLED…

nmmagayar December 4, 2008 at 4:12 pm

Truck Knutz, I’ll buy him

flapjackjackson December 4, 2008 at 4:13 pm

In these tough economic times take solace in the knowledge that slapping around the mentally handicapped on is free. Try it, you might like it!

obfuscator December 4, 2008 at 4:14 pm

Like most washed up child stars, Knut will end up “starring” in a soft-core porn movie and robbing a liquor store in Los Angeles before finally dying after an overdose of heroin. Knut’s body will be discovered three days later in an Oklahoma trailer park.

freakishlystrong December 4, 2008 at 4:14 pm

We’re such a youth culture, poor little Knut gets moody and a few zits, whines “I’m sure” all the time, and now they can’t give him away…

PrairiePossum December 4, 2008 at 4:15 pm

Aren’t those Obama kids still looking for a puppy? Why not bring whitey bear to the White House?

wx insider December 4, 2008 at 4:16 pm

Hmmmm… polar bear steaks with Knut sauce

actor212 December 4, 2008 at 4:16 pm

There will soon be a VH-1 special “Behind The Knutsic”….

Gopherit December 4, 2008 at 4:17 pm

[re=191378]V572625694[/re]: For SHAME! I would proudly be the meat in a Rachel/AMC sammich.

obfuscator December 4, 2008 at 4:18 pm

[re=191390]nmmagayar[/re]: Big $ale on Knutz Nutz!!1!

FreshCliches December 4, 2008 at 4:18 pm

[re=191397]obfuscator[/re]: So full of win.

Gopherit December 4, 2008 at 4:18 pm

It bothers me that cheney’s retirement (and therefore imminent “canned” hunting marathon) coincides so closely with Knut being put on the market. Say it ain’t so, Germany!

chocotaco911america December 4, 2008 at 4:19 pm

Why is Richard Roth reporting this? He was CNN’s UN correspondent for years. Not enough cute polar bears at the UN I guess.

ManchuCandidate December 4, 2008 at 4:19 pm

Poor bear should go to Hollywood and hang out with other child stars who have fallen out of favor because they got ugly or discovered to be untalented as adults. If Knut can chow down the Two Coreys and Danny Bonaduce then he will have done humanity a favor.

V572625694 December 4, 2008 at 4:21 pm

[re=191406]Gopherit[/re]: AMC was hilarious and sexy in this venue. Somehow it doesn’t work on the teevee, at least for me. But that sandwich recipe definitely has way kinky possibilities.

TeddyKGB December 4, 2008 at 4:24 pm

Perhaps they should’ve paired up Cute Knut with the Cut-Nut.

obfuscator December 4, 2008 at 4:24 pm

[re=191402]PrairiePossum[/re]: Barry regrets his decision after the press learns that Malia has decided to rename Knut “Honky Bear”.

bryan j December 4, 2008 at 4:25 pm

[re=191367]FreshCliches[/re]: People of the land of beer and cheese unite!
Knut and Butterstick should fight to the death. And the loser gets made into Bratworst.

obfuscator December 4, 2008 at 4:26 pm

[re=191417]ManchuCandidate[/re]: How about Knut collaborates on a new blog with Andrew Sullivan? They could call it “Knut & the Bear”.

Pop Socket December 4, 2008 at 4:31 pm

[re=191361]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Ah, the Golden Age when Wonkette was assfucking (not buttsecks) and pandas 24/7. Those were our salad days.

TGY December 4, 2008 at 4:43 pm

Just when you start growing up, they Knut you in the balls.

Serolf Divad December 4, 2008 at 4:49 pm

OMG, so what you’re saying is that the nutty “let the little bastard die” animal rights activists were right all along?!?!

somelegalbitch December 4, 2008 at 4:50 pm

I’ve always loved that the “cute” video is set to the theme of Dallas.

ManchuCandidate December 4, 2008 at 4:53 pm

Or star in a remake of Gentle Ben aka Gentle Knut?

Pizzuti December 4, 2008 at 5:19 pm

Argh get it right, it’s not pronounced KUNOOT, it’s KNUT!

His keeper died!? In the video that guy was like 27!

amyazz December 4, 2008 at 5:31 pm

perhaps they can sell him to the russians for putin’s next b-day? i’m sure he needs something new to shoot by now….

Miller December 4, 2008 at 5:34 pm

Am I allowed to hunt Knut from my helicopter on my sprawling ranch? Not kill him, but every day buzz the little shit and pump him full of tranquilizers. You know, so I don’t have to fly up to Alaska or Antarctica or wherever the white bears live.

Min December 4, 2008 at 5:44 pm

He was pretty cute for a Godless killing machine.

naveed December 4, 2008 at 6:04 pm

Sucks to be Cut Nut, too.

AxmxZ December 4, 2008 at 6:43 pm

Poor Knuti. He brought them $10 million in ticket sales, and they are going to kick him out? Bastards.

picyou December 4, 2008 at 8:46 pm

They should have clubbed him to death while he was still cute and fuzzy. Harvest him while he still had some market value.

null December 4, 2008 at 9:43 pm

Springdale must have good karma.

hobospacejungle December 4, 2008 at 10:24 pm

[re=191383]Watchreader[/re]: b) when did it start being pronounced “ka-noot”? I always thought the k was silent.

In German, the letter K is pronounced, even when placed before another consonant. As in der Kneipe, the pub. Or Knut, the cub.

StoneAge December 4, 2008 at 11:54 pm

What a trollop.

villageatrois December 5, 2008 at 1:53 am

For lo, was’t thou not tiny and cuddly and soft of fur? Did thy tiny face not alight the eyes of she who suckled thee?

And now, dost not thou shit in the forest, unmannered of the joggering kind?

atodd December 5, 2008 at 4:23 am

I live in Berlin. Funny I had to hear about this news from the Wonkette.

Tyrone Biggums December 5, 2008 at 10:16 am

PFFT…and I thought Berlin just sang that catchy tune, “Riding On The Metro”.

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