Yip yip, BrrrriiinnggHow do you “sex up” your latest middlebrow conventional-wisdom financial column in Slate, which is the U.S. News & World Report for people who have learned the computer? You hire a disgraced New York governor now only known for paying far too much money to have sex with a hooker! And that is worth one (1) morning of goofy New York tabloid headlines such as “Slate hot for Love Gov Eliot Spitzer as online finance guru” and two (2) posts on Wonkette. Let’s review Spitzer’s debut as yet another Web freelancer typing zero-research op-eds on the Internets!

“Last month,” Spitzer writes, “as the financial crisis and the government rescue plan dominated headlines ….”

Okay, who sucks more here, Spitzer or the editor? Do not start a fucking column with a pointless time element, Eliot. You’re trying to convince us to read your fucking column, today, and the first words you crap out are “Last month”? And then you follow it with something that everybody on Earth already knows about, because it happened, actually, in October, which is now “Two months ago,” but whatever.

And then he types something boring about airplane manufacturers and asks, “Why is that so significant?” Well we don’t really know, do we, because you are so fucking boring. But we bet you’ll spend the next 700 words boringly lecturing anybody lame enough to read the whole thing.

Which we didn’t, because come on, there’s only so much coffee can do.

Too Big Not To Fail [Slate]

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  • freakishlystrong

    Meh, I’ll be first; one whore-diamond…

  • ManchuCandidate

    Wait till his next column about the crash of the diamond whore market.

    (I keed. I keed.)

  • NoWireHangers

    Spitzer never should have resigned; not when David Vitter is still in the goddamn Senate.

  • Deepthroat
  • erymanthian bore

    Recently, as I was donning my socks for a tasty bit of extramarital nookie…

  • azw88

    With that title, I was SURE he was talking about why he had to secretly buy a shitload of Viagra.

  • InsidiousTuna

    This man has gone from funny to boring. Sad.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Love the alt-text.

    PS — menamenah.

  • Doglessliberal

    A better forum for his “talents”: Dear Penthouse, there was this lovely young woman named Ashley…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Also, wasn’t there some sort of election that was dominating the headlines last month?

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=190988]SayItWithWookies[/re]: doo doo do doodoo…..

  • ToeCramps

    Why is it a crime for a man to lie about using his “fun finder” on a woman (or man if you’re a rethuglican) when in government? Should all of these nutjobs not have fun? Spitzer’s boring cuz of the gov’ment mandate. I give the gov’ment 1/2 whore diamond!

  • metropolitan

    if elliot spitzer wrote as angrily as ken layne, wall street would have gotten their act together and we would all still have our high paying jobs and be able to afford overpriced skanky whores.

  • freakishlystrong

    4 WD’s for the alt text..

  • answerbird

    Damn, I thought his column was going to be a review on the best escort services on the East coast. Stick with what you know Eliot.

  • ManchuCandidate

    At least Elliot knows his fiscal shit outside of diamond whores. I’m just wondering what Scat-man Vitter would have done if he actually resigned his senate seat?

    I think he would be on the web too, but all NSFW. Or he could be a rat feces taster for Taco Bell.

  • p-Sludge ofTheElves
  • Vanity Smurf

    That picture makes him look like some hillbilly character out of “Snuffy Smith.” Maybe he’s called “Toothless McGee.”

  • dmac

    What do you think Spitzer did more research on: Prostitutes or this column?

  • Toomush Infermashun

    I, for one, am overenthusiastic about this commenting without reading the article. In fact, I vow right here NEVER to read an article by Eliot Spitzer, but withhold my right to comment ex facto…. I do have a hard time with the photograph…. it speaks so tellingly of his need to pay exorbitant hooker prices just to get someone into the car….

  • p-Sludge ofTheElves

    Slate is actually somewhat snarky a lot of the time – or just jauntily contrarian, I guess.
    slaters react:

  • Pop Socket

    He’s channeling the ghost of Michael Crichton. I read this story when it was called Airframe.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    DO NOT click on the link unless you desire to be involved in a Federal prostitution-ring investigation.

  • ihasasad

    Best. Alt-text. Ever.

  • p-Sludge ofTheElves

    [re=191029]Pop Socket[/re]: Hmm. Is it more likely that Spitzer’s article was ghost-written by a prostitute? or by the ghost of Crichton?

  • Miller

    Good idea Eliot, letting Lehman fail worked wonders for the economy, let’s let them all fail. Stick to what you know best: hiding from your wife in the den so you don’t have to make eye contact with her ever again.

  • PrairiePossum

    I want him to write an article on how he explained to his wife that he spent thousands of dollars for a piece of ass.

  • magic titty

    Ashley has a competing column on HuffingtonPost. It’s about the existential crisis of being an idiot who yearns to achieve life’s pleasures through pop music and whoring.

    They’ll let any asshole have a blog.

  • gambypants

    i really wish you would;ve Blingeed that face; he needs diamond eyes!

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    His use of statistics is ridiculous; percentage increases in anything middle class in China are bound to be large. Until recently, the middle class was illegal there. Boeing already faces stiff competition from Airbus in commercial aviation; it was inevitable that more players would enter that market. If the Asians produce a superior aircraft for the buck, as they have superior autos, they will win a big slice of the market. Yes, big banks are unwieldy to manage, but smaller banks don’t have enough capital to compete for the biggest accounts. Why is any of that news, Slate?

  • magic titty

    [re=191223]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: The news is them getting him to re-enter the interwebs wearing more than just his Gold Toe socks.

  • Babeouf

    Cutting out the crap leads to smaller libraries and unemployed builders. ‘No more bullshit’ is un-American. In these troubled times we all need the soothing sound of words that have never been
    disturbed by thought.

  • dijetlo

    Elliot suggested we all invest in the a couple of girls, or if you don’t have time to manage your investment directly, he’s seeking to create a “CHS” or “Credit Ho Swap” market. It’s an instrument to syndicate the risk of your ho getting popped by John Law or cut up by her pimp, by bundling them into “Ho Units” which can then be traded.
    While Elliot makes no guarantees about the quality of the hos’ in a particular bundle, he can assure prospective investors that there are plenty of grade A, USDA Choice Hos in the market area these hos are drawn from.

  • LittlePig

    It took me forever to parse that headline. I kept wanting to read it as Slate hot-for-love-Gov-Eliot-Spitzer and wondered “Slate him as what? Escort Service Inspector?”

    On the good side, I was finally able to read Ashley Dupree tummy tat: “Fair Value” (in Latin). Love-Gov may dispute that.

  • slavojzizek

    His column is good! He’s absolutely right–break up the banks. Maybe he could make a comeback in politics–perhaps as Secretary of Commerce, after the Wen Ho Lee crowd runs Bill Richardson out of town? Really pathetic to act as if he’s a genuine pariah because he slept with a prostitute a few times. It’s not as if he’s stolen 700 billion dollars of our future debt, after all.

  • rocktonsammy

    Who sucks more?

    We do, for giving Slate the time of day.

  • Bob W.

    I actually thought the column was decent, but check out the comments, brutal!!! We’ll see how long he sticks his neck out on this little experiment, this may be a short-lived comeback.

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