How do you “sex up” your latest middlebrow conventional-wisdom financial column in Slate, which is the U.S. News & World Report for people who have learned the computer? You hire a disgraced New York governor now only known for paying far too much money to have sex with a hooker! And that is worth one (1) morning of goofy New York tabloid headlines such as “Slate hot for Love Gov Eliot Spitzer as online finance guru” and two (2) posts on Wonkette. Let’s review Spitzer’s debut as yet another Web freelancer typing zero-research op-eds on the Internets!
“Last month,” Spitzer writes, “as the financial crisis and the government rescue plan dominated headlines ….”
Okay, who sucks more here, Spitzer or the editor? Do not start a fucking column with a pointless time element, Eliot. You’re trying to convince us to read your fucking column, today, and the first words you crap out are “Last month”? And then you follow it with something that everybody on Earth already knows about, because it happened, actually, in October, which is now “Two months ago,” but whatever.
And then he types something boring about airplane manufacturers and asks, “Why is that so significant?” Well we don’t really know, do we, because you are so fucking boring. But we bet you’ll spend the next 700 words boringly lecturing anybody lame enough to read the whole thing.
Which we didn’t, because come on, there’s only so much coffee can do.
Too Big Not To Fail [Slate]