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That Cannot Be True, CNN!

This CNN article is consistently hilarious, the way it tries to segue between Barack Obama being president and the history of slavery. We learn all kinds of surprising information! “WASHINGTON (CNN) — In January, President-elect Barack Obama and his family will make history, becoming the first African-American first family to move into the White House — a house with a history of slavery. In fact, the legacy of American presidents owning slaves goes all the way back to George Washington.” Whoa, that far back!!? [CNN]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  1. shortsshortsshorts

    Slaves helped build my bagel this morning, but at least they are provided an illegitimate stipend.

  2. Serolf Divad

    Seriously! I didn’t realize they had slaves way back then! I was sure slavery was invented by my middle-school teachers and perfected by my fourth year of highs chool.

  3. JadedDIssonance

    And here I thought that we only used slaves for driving our economy. We built our nation’s founding on them too?

  4. WadISay

    I bet the next round of Nixon tapes to be released will contain a few surprises along these lines, too.

  5. AngryBlakGuy

    …despite the fact that none of my ancestors were ever slaves(too fast or too smart), I still demand reparations dammit!!!

  6. Borat

    I knew it. I want names of the slaves of all the current presidents (although I think we agree we know where Bush stands in the master-servant relationship).

    I also want the names of who Barry intends to bring into slavery

  7. monty

    wow, thats all i got. not about slaves building the whitehouse and such. everybody knows the peznits owned teh negroes. but the classy way that Susan Roesgen and Aaron Cooper put that story together just leaves me speechless. lemme ‘splain, no time to ‘splain lemme sumup. “preznits owned teh negroes and if they got outta line they would whups ‘em gooood” oh, and michelle obama has a big negro butt.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Twelve American presidents owned slaves and eight of them, starting with Washington, owned slaves while in office.
    I now feel a lot better about having a gimp in the basement. And he’s white — that’s how progressive I am.

  9. JadedDIssonance

    [re=190089]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: back-wages, health care, plus interest…on the gold standard…ooh baby. They can hand over that there new Capitol Visitor’s Center right now!

  10. Pizzuti

    AngryBlakGuy, that is a blatant lie. I just saw a documentary on the History Channel insisting that the workers who built the pyramid were unionized by the AFL-CIO.

  11. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=190093]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: BREAKING NEWS:

  12. Anonymous Office Zombie

    A white press who can’t shut-up about historical racism and the black president who just wants to be over and done with all that – it’s the new, wakky, American role-reversal sit-com.

  13. charlesdegoal

    Even more ironical, BHO will be the first non-slave direct descendant of a Kenyan person to reside in the White House, and in spite of that, he is considered one of the more intelligent persons to hold the office in quite a while.

  14. metropolitan

    it would be a bit more poignant if obama was actually a descendant of slaves, but i get the point.

  15. finallyhappy

    What, slaves worked 7 days a week? Really? Didn’t they have annual, sick and personal days? what about on Federal holidays? This sounds like a paper my daughter would have written in 4th grade but hers would have been better.

  16. TGY

    I am glad, glad I say!, to discover that Dolly Madison used no slave labor to bake her delicious sugary teats treats, and hence Zingers and small tarts pies are free from the taint of slavery.

  17. N8Ma

    Umm…I’d like to see the boilerplate they cooked up for a McCain win, since he actually owned slaves.

  18. glamourdammerung

    According to the Paultards I have the misfortune of knowing, slavery was “not all that bad”.

  19. Cape Clod

    [re=190101]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Also: Buckingham Palace Built By, And Full Of, English People!

  20. Pizzuti

    HipHopOpotamus, those aliens were union, some of them came to my door this October asking me to vote NO on the Right to Work amendment!

  21. tunamelt

    [re=190080]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I have slave ancestors! And also white people enslaver ancestors! It’s awesome. Very conflict-y.

  22. Mr Blifil

    When Obama annuls all marriages and forces all the straight whites into gay partnerships the history of slavery will seem positively quaint. Fortunately I’m planning to at least be a top…

  23. dano

    [re=190080]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: AngryBlakGuy is hereby named the official Wonkette comment section corespondent for stories pertaining to Black stuff. You know…cause he’s black and all. This is not racist all all because 60 Minutes used to do it with Ed Bradley, so it’s OK.

  24. seriesoftubescleaner

    “A list of construction workers building the White House in 1795 includes five slaves – named Tom, Peter, Ben, Harry and Daniel — all put to work as carpenters.”

    After changing the word Peter to its synonym Dick, this is where we get the phrase “Tom, Dick, and Harry.” As in, “Any Tom, Dick, and Harry can build a white house.”

  25. 4tehlulz

    [re=190120]TGY[/re]: That’s a good thing, because if there is anything in the world you want to avoid tasting at all costs, it’s slavery’s taint.

  26. Kwame'

    Did CNN leave out that Anderson Cooper’s family owned Michelle’s ancestors?
    And in related news, Tito The Builder is now Commerce Secretary.

  27. NoWireHangers

    This article is even more of a stretch since Obama is not descended from slaves. If anything he has slave owner blood in him from his mom’s side of the family.

  28. nurple

    Yes, the slaves “helped”.

    Eddie Izzard: “It’s true that guns don’t kill people. People kill people. But the gun helps.”

  29. TGY

    [re=190080]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: 40 acres and a mule? Or maybe that’s 40 virgins in a mall. I have difficulty keeping various award levels straight, at times.

  30. actor212

    [re=190125]glamourdammerung[/re]: According to the Paultards, all they needed was loose shoes, tight women, and a warm place to shit.

    (Yes, I know. I bowdlerized the joke…)

  31. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=190108]american mutt[/re]: …nope, parents 100% Nigerian! By any chance would you be interested in helping me smuggle some oil money? All I need is your bank account #.

  32. aleks

    They were building a new foundation under Manhattan
    And they discovered a slave cemetery there
    May their souls rest easy now that lynching is frowned upon
    And we’ve moved on to the electric chair

    ~Ani DiFranco, Ms. Bringdown

  33. Cape Clod

    [re=190169]nurple[/re]: Actually, guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people. Guns just get em going really fast.

  34. azw88

    [re=190086]Borat[/re]: Obama will not be bringing any slaves to the White House. However, he did make John McCain and Hillary Clinton his bitches this fine election season, does that count?

  35. Heywood Floyd

    In other news, mystery substance named “relaxer” on grocery list for the first time ever.

  36. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=190125]glamourdammerung[/re]: yes, and Obama should be thanking the white men that owned the slaves that built the house that he’s going to live in. At least I think that’s what Pat Buchanan means.

  37. p-Sludge ofTheElves

    I recall from my history filmstrips that the White House was built in the 50s by slaves who were controlled by police dogs and water cannons. Oh, maybe that was just the Georgia Governor’s Mansion … ?

    Also recall that “Martin X was mad when they outlawed bell bottoms. 10 years later they were sharin’g the same cell”.

  38. nurple

    I used to help Mommy make Shake ‘n’ Bake. I don’t think “help” means the same thing here.

  39. Scandalabra

    When disgruntled minorities refer to Barry as a “house nigger”, at least now we know which “house” they are referring to.

  40. hansdog

    Wow, I actually thought slaves were ‘private property’ and that the WH was built by the government.
    Upon deeper reflection (and Wiki looky) one can see the sub-contractor element here.
    The Haliburton of the day had much ‘free’ labor force and also illegal aliens.
    Nice story, America!

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