COMPLETELY NEW INFORMATION  1:58 pm December 3, 2008

That Cannot Be True, CNN!

by Jim Newell

This CNN article is consistently hilarious, the way it tries to segue between Barack Obama being president and the history of slavery. We learn all kinds of surprising information! “WASHINGTON (CNN) — In January, President-elect Barack Obama and his family will make history, becoming the first African-American first family to move into the White House — a house with a history of slavery. In fact, the legacy of American presidents owning slaves goes all the way back to George Washington.” Whoa, that far back!!? [CNN]

 

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{ 75 comments }

4tehlulz December 3, 2008 at 2:00 pm

BARACK OBAMA IS STILL BLACK….developing

shortsshortsshorts December 3, 2008 at 2:01 pm

Slaves helped build my bagel this morning, but at least they are provided an illegitimate stipend.

Serolf Divad December 3, 2008 at 2:01 pm

Seriously! I didn’t realize they had slaves way back then! I was sure slavery was invented by my middle-school teachers and perfected by my fourth year of highs chool.

JadedDIssonance December 3, 2008 at 2:01 pm

And here I thought that we only used slaves for driving our economy. We built our nation’s founding on them too?

WadISay December 3, 2008 at 2:02 pm

I bet the next round of Nixon tapes to be released will contain a few surprises along these lines, too.

dotdotdotdotdot December 3, 2008 at 2:03 pm

Worst story assignment ever. I pity the poor shlub who had to write it.

AngryBlakGuy December 3, 2008 at 2:03 pm

…despite the fact that none of my ancestors were ever slaves(too fast or too smart), I still demand reparations dammit!!!

robanybody December 3, 2008 at 2:05 pm

One nugget CNN somehow missed: James Buchanan was a slave to fashion.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Buchanan

Pizzuti December 3, 2008 at 2:05 pm

They just now found out?

nmmagayar December 3, 2008 at 2:06 pm

are any built into the foundation?

Borat December 3, 2008 at 2:07 pm

I knew it. I want names of the slaves of all the current presidents (although I think we agree we know where Bush stands in the master-servant relationship).

I also want the names of who Barry intends to bring into slavery

monty December 3, 2008 at 2:08 pm

wow, thats all i got. not about slaves building the whitehouse and such. everybody knows the peznits owned teh negroes. but the classy way that Susan Roesgen and Aaron Cooper put that story together just leaves me speechless. lemme ‘splain, no time to ‘splain lemme sumup. “preznits owned teh negroes and if they got outta line they would whups ‘em gooood” oh, and michelle obama has a big negro butt.

AngryBlakGuy December 3, 2008 at 2:08 pm

…does this mean that black people can foreclose on the White House? At least a lien!

SayItWithWookies December 3, 2008 at 2:08 pm

Twelve American presidents owned slaves and eight of them, starting with Washington, owned slaves while in office.
I now feel a lot better about having a gimp in the basement. And he’s white — that’s how progressive I am.

AngryBlakGuy December 3, 2008 at 2:10 pm

BREAKING NEWS: Slaves also built the Pyramids of Egypt!

JadedDIssonance December 3, 2008 at 2:12 pm

[re=190089]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: back-wages, health care, plus interest…on the gold standard…ooh baby. They can hand over that there new Capitol Visitor’s Center right now!

Pizzuti December 3, 2008 at 2:13 pm

AngryBlakGuy, that is a blatant lie. I just saw a documentary on the History Channel insisting that the workers who built the pyramid were unionized by the AFL-CIO.

hedgehog December 3, 2008 at 2:13 pm

Reparations! A DeLorean in every garage and, well, pot in every pot!

monty December 3, 2008 at 2:13 pm

[re=190093]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: that is news i thought the teamsters built the pyrammids

shortsshortsshorts December 3, 2008 at 2:13 pm

[re=190093]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: BREAKING NEWS:
COLONIES DECLARE INDEPENDENCE FROM THE MOTHERLAND.

Vanity Smurf December 3, 2008 at 2:14 pm

We still have slaves, they just live in China now.

Anonymous Office Zombie December 3, 2008 at 2:14 pm

A white press who can’t shut-up about historical racism and the black president who just wants to be over and done with all that – it’s the new, wakky, American role-reversal sit-com.

Sussemilch December 3, 2008 at 2:14 pm

It’s all MLK’s fault for inventing black people.

charlesdegoal December 3, 2008 at 2:15 pm

Even more ironical, BHO will be the first non-slave direct descendant of a Kenyan person to reside in the White House, and in spite of that, he is considered one of the more intelligent persons to hold the office in quite a while.

Min December 3, 2008 at 2:16 pm

Next up on CNN: Fire is hot. Water is wet.

american mutt December 3, 2008 at 2:17 pm

[re=190080]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: none of your ancestors were slaves? lucky you.

actor212 December 3, 2008 at 2:18 pm

Big deal.

We’re all slaves now!

metropolitan December 3, 2008 at 2:18 pm

it would be a bit more poignant if obama was actually a descendant of slaves, but i get the point.

Vanity Smurf December 3, 2008 at 2:20 pm

[re=190080]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: No more affirmative action for you.

hedgehog December 3, 2008 at 2:21 pm

Those guys did a fabulous job on the wainscoting and boiserie. Does anybody know their number?

elcapitan December 3, 2008 at 2:22 pm

[re=190107]Min[/re]: Another lie perpetrated by the MSM.

finallyhappy December 3, 2008 at 2:23 pm

What, slaves worked 7 days a week? Really? Didn’t they have annual, sick and personal days? what about on Federal holidays? This sounds like a paper my daughter would have written in 4th grade but hers would have been better.

TGY December 3, 2008 at 2:24 pm

I am glad, glad I say!, to discover that Dolly Madison used no slave labor to bake her delicious sugary teats treats, and hence Zingers and small tarts pies are free from the taint of slavery.

N8Ma December 3, 2008 at 2:26 pm

Umm…I’d like to see the boilerplate they cooked up for a McCain win, since he actually owned slaves.

HipHopOpotamus December 3, 2008 at 2:26 pm

Pizzuti & AngryBlakGuy: Aliens built the pyramids: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrYiiqGBWe0.

glamourdammerung December 3, 2008 at 2:27 pm

According to the Paultards I have the misfortune of knowing, slavery was “not all that bad”.

Cape Clod December 3, 2008 at 2:28 pm

[re=190101]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Also: Buckingham Palace Built By, And Full Of, English People!

Pizzuti December 3, 2008 at 2:30 pm

HipHopOpotamus, those aliens were union, some of them came to my door this October asking me to vote NO on the Right to Work amendment!

tunamelt December 3, 2008 at 2:30 pm

[re=190080]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I have slave ancestors! And also white people enslaver ancestors! It’s awesome. Very conflict-y.

lenorecutie December 3, 2008 at 2:30 pm

Wow. Um… I think that is the biggest NO SHIT, Sherlock story I have ever read.

JadedDIssonance December 3, 2008 at 2:31 pm

[re=190124]HipHopOpotamus[/re]: Dennis Kucinich agrees.

S.Luggo December 3, 2008 at 2:33 pm

Soumya and Himani look like the same woman. Ever notice?

monty December 3, 2008 at 2:33 pm

[re=190088]monty[/re]: but id still do her, sober even.

Mr Blifil December 3, 2008 at 2:34 pm

When Obama annuls all marriages and forces all the straight whites into gay partnerships the history of slavery will seem positively quaint. Fortunately I’m planning to at least be a top…

dano December 3, 2008 at 2:34 pm

[re=190080]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: AngryBlakGuy is hereby named the official Wonkette comment section corespondent for stories pertaining to Black stuff. You know…cause he’s black and all. This is not racist all all because 60 Minutes used to do it with Ed Bradley, so it’s OK.

The Crazy Christian December 3, 2008 at 2:34 pm

But the Bible taught slavery was OK.

WhatTheHeck December 3, 2008 at 2:35 pm

So the slaves were not the ‘Free’masons whom I wrongly believed built the White House.

seriesoftubescleaner December 3, 2008 at 2:35 pm

“A list of construction workers building the White House in 1795 includes five slaves – named Tom, Peter, Ben, Harry and Daniel — all put to work as carpenters.”

After changing the word Peter to its synonym Dick, this is where we get the phrase “Tom, Dick, and Harry.” As in, “Any Tom, Dick, and Harry can build a white house.”

4tehlulz December 3, 2008 at 2:37 pm

[re=190120]TGY[/re]: That’s a good thing, because if there is anything in the world you want to avoid tasting at all costs, it’s slavery’s taint.

S.Luggo December 3, 2008 at 2:38 pm

[re=190142]seriesoftubescleaner[/re]: They also put the addition on Ted Steven’s house.

ScribblinPossum December 3, 2008 at 2:39 pm

[re=190081]robanybody[/re]: And apparently he was one of them there gays, too. Slave to the fashion and slave to the hot, sweaty mens.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexuality_of_James_Buchanan

Kwame' December 3, 2008 at 2:46 pm

Did CNN leave out that Anderson Cooper’s family owned Michelle’s ancestors?
And in related news, Tito The Builder is now Commerce Secretary.

JadedDIssonance December 3, 2008 at 2:46 pm

[re=190130]tunamelt[/re]: I think it’s hot.

NoWireHangers December 3, 2008 at 2:48 pm

This article is even more of a stretch since Obama is not descended from slaves. If anything he has slave owner blood in him from his mom’s side of the family.

nurple December 3, 2008 at 2:52 pm

Yes, the slaves “helped”.

Eddie Izzard: “It’s true that guns don’t kill people. People kill people. But the gun helps.”

TGY December 3, 2008 at 2:59 pm

[re=190080]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: 40 acres and a mule? Or maybe that’s 40 virgins in a mall. I have difficulty keeping various award levels straight, at times.

actor212 December 3, 2008 at 3:03 pm

[re=190125]glamourdammerung[/re]: According to the Paultards, all they needed was loose shoes, tight women, and a warm place to shit.

(Yes, I know. I bowdlerized the joke…)

AngryBlakGuy December 3, 2008 at 3:05 pm

[re=190108]american mutt[/re]: …nope, parents 100% Nigerian! By any chance would you be interested in helping me smuggle some oil money? All I need is your bank account #.

AngryBlakGuy December 3, 2008 at 3:08 pm

[re=190174]TGY[/re]: …40 oz and a escalade?

Kwame' December 3, 2008 at 3:08 pm

[re=190181]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Yoruba, Igbo or Hausa?

aleks December 3, 2008 at 3:22 pm

They were building a new foundation under Manhattan
And they discovered a slave cemetery there
May their souls rest easy now that lynching is frowned upon
And we’ve moved on to the electric chair

~Ani DiFranco, Ms. Bringdown

sanantonerose December 3, 2008 at 3:22 pm

[re=190081]robanybody[/re]: WIN. And I didn’t even have to read all the way down.

Cape Clod December 3, 2008 at 3:24 pm

[re=190169]nurple[/re]: Actually, guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people. Guns just get em going really fast.

sanantonerose December 3, 2008 at 3:25 pm

[re=190185]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: A forty, a shorty, and an Escalade with spinners.

azw88 December 3, 2008 at 3:30 pm

[re=190086]Borat[/re]: Obama will not be bringing any slaves to the White House. However, he did make John McCain and Hillary Clinton his bitches this fine election season, does that count?

AngryBlakGuy December 3, 2008 at 3:36 pm

@Kwame’: …Yoruba!

Heywood Floyd December 3, 2008 at 3:38 pm

In other news, mystery substance named “relaxer” on grocery list for the first time ever.

Sassette December 3, 2008 at 3:41 pm

[re=190086]Borat[/re]: He’s going to enslave all the white people, of course!

Advocatus_Diaboli December 3, 2008 at 3:46 pm

[re=190125]glamourdammerung[/re]: yes, and Obama should be thanking the white men that owned the slaves that built the house that he’s going to live in. At least I think that’s what Pat Buchanan means.

p-Sludge ofTheElves December 3, 2008 at 4:16 pm

I recall from my history filmstrips that the White House was built in the 50s by slaves who were controlled by police dogs and water cannons. Oh, maybe that was just the Georgia Governor’s Mansion … ?

Also recall that “Martin X was mad when they outlawed bell bottoms. 10 years later they were sharin’g the same cell”.
http://tmbw.net/wiki/Interpretations:Purple_Toupee

aleks December 3, 2008 at 4:31 pm

So who has or has had more president in them, Barack Obama or Sally Hemmings?

What, too soon?

nurple December 3, 2008 at 5:03 pm

I used to help Mommy make Shake ‘n’ Bake. I don’t think “help” means the same thing here.

Scandalabra December 3, 2008 at 6:58 pm

When disgruntled minorities refer to Barry as a “house nigger”, at least now we know which “house” they are referring to.

hansdog December 3, 2008 at 8:55 pm

Wow, I actually thought slaves were ‘private property’ and that the WH was built by the government.
Upon deeper reflection (and Wiki looky) one can see the sub-contractor element here.
The Haliburton of the day had much ‘free’ labor force and also illegal aliens.
Nice story, America!

Styrofoam Boots December 4, 2008 at 10:41 am

Man, slaves get credit for everything! When is it going to be the white man’s turn?!

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