REPLACEMENTS  12:15 pm December 3, 2008

Who Will Be The Next Barack Obama?

by Sara K. Smith

He also speaks Tibetan!Our President-elect has mastered the art of time travel and can shoot laser beams from his nipples, but he hasn’t figured out yet how to be in two places at the same time. ERGO, somebody must fill his senatorial seat while he is off being the President. But who, hmmm? Jesse Jackson Jr. seems to be making a lot of noise about he wants the seat, but that is what those Jacksons do — talk endlessly about whatever.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich gets to appoint the replacement, of course, and he has many choices! He discussed these many choices with Lynn Sweet, the sabertoothed journo who asked Barack Obama about the puppy at his very first post-election press conference.

The governor, I learned, is trying to set up an interview with Jackson to discuss the vacancy. He’s already talked to Dem Representatives Jan Schakowsky; Danny Davis, who is becoming more vocal about wanting the seat, and Luis Gutierrez. Former state Senate President Emil Jones, Veterans Affairs chief Tammy Duckworth, and Attorney General Lisa Madigan are near the top of what the governor said was a long list.

Wonkette endorses Danny Davis, because it is easy to misread his name as “Lanny Davis,” whom observers might recall is one of the more delightfully colorful frauds associated with Hillary Clinton’s failed presidential campaign. Otherwise, what the hell, give it to Jackson if he wants it so bad.

Exclusive: Blagojevich talks about Obama Senate replacement. [Chicago Sun-Times]

Hola wonkerados.

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facehead December 3, 2008 at 12:21 pm

Flavor Flav.

ihasasad December 3, 2008 at 12:23 pm

Oprah Winfrey

NoWireHangers December 3, 2008 at 12:24 pm

I vote Jan Schakowsky, my old congresslady because she’s hella librul or Tammy Duckworth beacuse Congress needs more “Tammys”. If chosen, JJ Jr. would never.stop.talking. But he could do a mean filibuster. Regardless they’re all well-versed in the Chicago machine. Decisions, decisions…

TGY December 3, 2008 at 12:25 pm

They need anotehr mutt, obvs.

AngryBlakGuy December 3, 2008 at 12:26 pm

…isn’t Jerry Springer in Chicago? I’m just saying!

naveed December 3, 2008 at 12:27 pm

[re=189861]facehead[/re]: New York!

WhatTheHeck December 3, 2008 at 12:28 pm

Preferably someone born in Indonesia of muslim parentage, who entered the U.S. illegally.
That means, just about anybody can fill that spot.

Oh wait. Maybe Sarah Palin might consider…

rev_matt_y December 3, 2008 at 12:28 pm

I second Flavor Flav.

articulate moran December 3, 2008 at 12:29 pm

I would only take the seat if it still held his scent.

SayItWithWookies December 3, 2008 at 12:29 pm

Mrs. O’Leary’s cow.

shortsshortsshorts December 3, 2008 at 12:29 pm

Jesse Jackson:

obfuscator December 3, 2008 at 12:30 pm

[re=189867]NoWireHangers[/re]: Oh god, please anyone but Emil Jones. That guy is a weiner.

jbd December 3, 2008 at 12:30 pm

Jack Ryan! Because seriously, why the fuck not, and it would be funny anyhow.

If not, I suppose Alan Keyes is still an Illinoisian?

S.Luggo December 3, 2008 at 12:33 pm

Pick the gimp. It will provide endless amusment watching her try to negotiate the marble floors in the Capitol building. And couldn’t we all use a chuckle these days?
Said with sincerity and respect.

metropolitan December 3, 2008 at 12:34 pm

i know obama has given the US a distorted view of chicago. it’s all joe piscopo in cubs hats over there.

hedgehog December 3, 2008 at 12:35 pm

Richard Marx is from Chicago. Would fit in with the current ideological bent (although he’d probably have to grow a beard).

R. Kelly is also a Chicagoan. Big on children’s issues.

Neon Trotsky December 3, 2008 at 12:36 pm

[re=189891]jbd[/re]: Or, perhaps his ex, whatsherface, 7 of 9 of the Borg? RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!!

Pop Socket December 3, 2008 at 12:37 pm

[re=189875]TGY[/re]: Halle Berry?

Serolf Divad December 3, 2008 at 12:38 pm

The next Barakc Obama will be Nicolas Sarkozy, of course.

Juice-IL December 3, 2008 at 12:39 pm

We need someone who can be the voice of our generation. That is why Rod should appoint Kanye West. And then, once his first piece of legislation fails, he can go on national TV and proclaim that Harry Reid doesn’t care about black people.

Sussemilch December 3, 2008 at 12:39 pm

[re=189864]ihasasad[/re]: Seconded. Oprah for Senate. God knows she’s rich enough to keep it.

Kwame' December 3, 2008 at 12:43 pm

Duh, Louis Farrakhan.

shortsshortsshorts December 3, 2008 at 12:43 pm

GEORGE RYAN. Plain and simple. RELEASE HIM, Mr. Bush.

That corrupt dick-face would do just fine in Chicago’s political machine of death.

cal December 3, 2008 at 12:43 pm

Can’t we resurrect Ghandi? He’s the only one who could fill Hopey’s sandals… er, shoes.

TGY December 3, 2008 at 12:44 pm

[re=189905]Pop Socket[/re]: Wooo, damned fine.

Min December 3, 2008 at 12:45 pm

I’m going to be the next Barack Obama! Granted, I’m not black or male, but I’m chock full of hope and stuff.

WhatTheHeck December 3, 2008 at 12:46 pm

[re=189887]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh, I get it. You want the next Barack to burn down Chicago.

Advocatus_Diaboli December 3, 2008 at 12:47 pm

What, no nominations for Bill Ayers? It’d be worth just to watch Hannity’s big fat empty head asplode.

obfuscator December 3, 2008 at 12:47 pm

Bill Fucking Ayers.

WIDTAP December 3, 2008 at 12:47 pm

[re=189923]cal[/re]: I was going for Studs Terkel, but he’s still dead too.

gurukalehuru December 3, 2008 at 12:48 pm

If we’re voting for the one with the potentially funniest name, I vote for the Duckworth lady because, well, duh…
If we’re being serious, I’ve got nothing.

p.s. if you editors wanted to use this as an excuse to run some pictures of Jeri Ryan, though, I’ve got no objection.

actor212 December 3, 2008 at 12:50 pm

Wasn’t Danny Davis a referee in the old WWF?


4tehlulz December 3, 2008 at 12:52 pm

[re=189891]jbd[/re]: Jeri Ryan would be better, just to twist that knife one more time.

Godot December 3, 2008 at 12:52 pm

How could he have mastered the art of time travel and NOT have figured out how to be in two places at the same time?

WIDTAP December 3, 2008 at 12:53 pm

[re=189935]gurukalehuru[/re]: So we are down to a short list Halle Berry and Jeri Ryan?

mookworthjwilson December 3, 2008 at 12:53 pm

Why can’t it be either of the pro wrestlers named Danny Davis??? Hengh?

shanemcgowan December 3, 2008 at 12:53 pm

There is only one choice, Ozzie Guillen.

Lascauxcaveman December 3, 2008 at 12:54 pm

Duckworth looks good. Gotta like the melting pot symbolism of an Asian female version of Max Cleland, plus you don’t have to empty a safe dem Cong/Gov seat to put her in office. (Lookin’ at you, Napolitano, Richardson, Hillary … )

WIDTAP December 3, 2008 at 12:54 pm

[re=189942]Godot[/re]: Well look, if time travel is the only criteria then Masi Oka has it in the bag.

obfuscator December 3, 2008 at 12:57 pm

I like Tammy Duckworth, but appointing someone who is already 0-1 as a candidate might be questionable, especially when compared to long-time office holders like Danny Davis.

In related news, these photos are awesome:

Sarah Palin ( December 3, 2008 at 1:03 pm



Doglessliberal December 3, 2008 at 1:05 pm

[re=189867]NoWireHangers[/re]: I was hoping Tammy would get the VA spot in the Cabinet, though.

aleks December 3, 2008 at 1:05 pm

[re=189867]NoWireHangers[/re]: Don’t we want to avoid accidental filibusters while we’ve got the majority? I’m almost certain that’s why Obama plucked Biden out of the Senate.

Lascauxcaveman December 3, 2008 at 1:06 pm

[re=189935]gurukalehuru[/re]: [re=189941]4tehlulz[/re]:

Actually, that would be an excellent project for Wonkette editors and commenters. Try to raise the awareness level of good old 7 o’ 9 to the point where the MSM is reporting a “popular groundswell of support” for her to be the next Senator from Illinois.

Plus she lots of relevant experience: her years with Jack Ryan (politics), hawt schoolteacher (education), hawt district attorney (law enforcement), hawt semi-robot space explorer (science). At least on teevee, anyway.

With all that under her belt, she couldn’t possibly be any worse at the job Than Fred Thompson, or that guy from Love Boat.

mookworthjwilson December 3, 2008 at 1:07 pm

[re=189939]actor212[/re]: Damn you!…beat me to that…

V572625694 December 3, 2008 at 1:08 pm

[re=189909]Serolf Divad[/re]: If Sarkozy is to be the new Obama, then über-cougar Carla Bruni would be the next Michelle….mmmm, sweet!

rambone December 3, 2008 at 1:13 pm

Someone corrupt and evil please.

obfuscator December 3, 2008 at 1:15 pm

[re=189987]rambone[/re]: Maybe the Gov. will appoint himself.

nestor December 3, 2008 at 1:16 pm

Dr. Ron Paul

aleks December 3, 2008 at 1:22 pm

[re=189942]Godot[/re]: Because being in the same time and place as your previous or future self causes you to sicken and die.

JamesMichaelCurley December 3, 2008 at 1:25 pm

[re=189989]obfuscator[/re]: So he can avoid being arrested while Congress is in session.

x111e7thst December 3, 2008 at 1:27 pm

As a side note: the ability to be in two places simultaneously is the minimum prerequisite for godhood.

slithytoves December 3, 2008 at 1:29 pm

Duckworth, easy. Watching her trip up the old, white, male gasbags with the peg legs she got issued in Iraq is worth watching C-Span. Srsly, she makes me cry with profound angst.

ladymacbeth December 3, 2008 at 1:29 pm

you people are all political geeks. far too many of you know far too much about IL and i KNOW many of you don’t live here.

wonkette reading should be a requirement for both citizenship and the right to vote.

actor212 December 3, 2008 at 1:31 pm

[re=189975]mookworthjwilson[/re]: Yea, but you got both, so half credit.

We share. We’re liberals.

space stout December 3, 2008 at 1:33 pm

HARRY CARAY! “Booze, broads, and bullshit. If you got all that, what else do you need?” Sounds like a Senator to me. Oh, wait. He’s dead. sorry.

Monsieur Grumpe' December 3, 2008 at 1:35 pm

Gary Coleman. It would kind of like a Mini Me with the catch phrase “What choo talkin bout Biden?”

Pizzuti December 3, 2008 at 1:41 pm

They should hold a random lottery for Barack Obama’s senate seat. How democratic is that!

Borat December 3, 2008 at 1:43 pm

I nominate Jeb Bush. Why should he have to wait around in Florida for this opportunity, he’s tested, he’s got experience, he’s got a brand name. Plus, I think we can turn his son into a gayz once he is in DC.

JadedDIssonance December 3, 2008 at 1:44 pm

I signed a petition to Blago requesting that Jackson be appointed. Jesse Jr. isn’t so bad.

Pizzuti December 3, 2008 at 1:50 pm

Question: Can Michelle Obama just have Barack Obama’s senate seat now, or do we have to wait till halfway through Barack’s second term when a random safe-seat opens in California?

rubyji December 3, 2008 at 2:00 pm

Is Carol Mosely Braun busy?

messickc (ROLL TIDE!) December 3, 2008 at 2:34 pm

Bozo the Clown? He’s a Chicago rezznit.

messickc (ROLL TIDE!) December 3, 2008 at 2:35 pm

[re=190138]messickc (ROLL TIDE!)[/re]: Crap– that picture gives me the schillywiggers…

Special Agent Jack Mehoff December 3, 2008 at 2:35 pm

I say reach across the isle. Nominate Cut-nut, and pay her in ameros.

sanantonerose December 3, 2008 at 3:36 pm

[re=189884]rev_matt_y[/re]: I also heartily endorse Flava Flav. We need more Gremlins in Congress.

HomoPolitico December 3, 2008 at 8:01 pm

[re=190047]Borat[/re]: “Plus, I think we can turn his RAPIST son into a gayz once he is in DC.”

I fixed that for you.

PJ December 4, 2008 at 1:31 am

The whole Tibet thing isn’t working out so well for His Holiness.

Why not the Dalai Lama for the next Obama?

They could just alter the letters on Obama’s old lawn signs!

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