NEXT TIME JUST HAVE NORMAL PHONE SEX  12:07 pm December 2, 2008

Detroit Sexy Text Message Gal Pleads Guilty

by Sara K. Smith

America's greatest mayor's greatest chief of staffChristine Beatty, former Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s former chief of staff and the woman on receiving end of Kilpatrick’s repeated inducements to meet him for some sexytime at the Benz Chili Bowl, got all suited up in a DEMURE RED SWEATER VEST and delivered a heartfelt apology to the people of Detroit after pleading guilty to two felonies. She betrayed the public trust by lying about her affair with this terrible doofus, who himself lied about a whole bunch of things (some of them actually consequential), and they both got caught, the end. The moral of the story is this: never sleep with anyone who thinks LOL is an actual word. [Detroit Free Press]

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ManchuCandidate December 2, 2008 at 12:10 pm

Sara, so based on your moral then I shouldn’t sleep with anyone over 33! Huzzah!

That’s a moral I can believe in.

hedgehog December 2, 2008 at 12:12 pm

That red sweater vest is actually Christine’s uniform from her new job at Chotchke’s. She took off her 15 pieces of flair to read the apology.

SayItWithWookies December 2, 2008 at 12:13 pm

[re=188855]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I think that would be under 33. You got dibs on teh oldz. Uh, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Kev-O-Tron December 2, 2008 at 12:14 pm

Another moral I see in this – Don’t sleep with ugly people. the end.

randomsausage December 2, 2008 at 12:14 pm

Just another Detroit resident after a massive government injection…..

Terry December 2, 2008 at 12:18 pm

I still can’t understand what she was doing sleeping with Kwame. Beatty is an intelligent and educated woman and Kwame with a wide load with a massive sense of entitlement.

TGY December 2, 2008 at 12:18 pm

This seems like a sad affair and a really mean-ass punishment. What happened to all those guys who wrecked the world financial system, eh? Nada.

I take this as a lesson. If I ever commit a crime, it’s going to be a big one. MOO HA HA!

Larry McAwful December 2, 2008 at 12:18 pm

I’ve never slept with anyone who thought LOL is a word, and consequently avoided a lot of bad sex. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had was with a woman who thought that anyone who uses the phrase “I’m gonna rock your world” is a tragic, mouthbreathing moron.

Hell, I should write a book on the correlation of the quality of sex partners and the quality of their vocabularies. If any ladies out there are interested in helping me with my research, drop me a line and I’ll make sure I invite you to my Nobel Prize party.

Larry McAwful December 2, 2008 at 12:19 pm

P.S.: Send recent pic.

AngryBlakGuy December 2, 2008 at 12:20 pm

…considering the rate of foreclosure in Detroit, going to jail may be the only way to keep a roof over her head.

freakishlystrong December 2, 2008 at 12:20 pm


dannygutters December 2, 2008 at 12:20 pm

Blah, Detroiters, you should have thought about it before the whole decades of white flight. So settle down and just throw your $100 at some poor inner city kids organization like you do every christmas, get your harumphs in about the ex-mayor, moan about why washington doesn’t love detroit and continue to give just enough of a damn to not live within the city limits but feel entitled to an opinion.

randomsausage December 2, 2008 at 12:23 pm

Sara K…..any word whether Christine took it up the pooper?

krlars December 2, 2008 at 12:23 pm

Maya Rudolph should totally play her in the Lifetime movie

WalnutsThePlumber December 2, 2008 at 12:23 pm

LOL LOL LOL! Sit down, shut up and do your thing!

Not_So_Much December 2, 2008 at 12:23 pm

I’d let her wake me up, you know, in that ‘Kwame’ sort of way…

jbd December 2, 2008 at 12:28 pm

I feel a mysterious urge to make a joke about the Red Wings, but I can’t seem to come up with one.

Next time, try a Finn?

Yeah, doesn’t really work.

Ooh, maybe there’s something in Octopussy.

Or maybe I should actually do my job for awhile.

Cape Clod December 2, 2008 at 12:34 pm

“I ask that you please continue to pray for me,” she said.

I pray for people who have serious illnesses through no fault of their own, not for people who willingly and knowingly commit crimes. Sorry you got caught, sweetheart. Now suck it up and take your punishment.

hedgehog December 2, 2008 at 12:36 pm

[re=188888]Cape Clod[/re]: Sucking it up was what got her into this situation.

shortsshortsshorts December 2, 2008 at 12:36 pm

Du they hav Benz Chili Bowl n jail. OMGLOLJKTTYL.

cal December 2, 2008 at 12:38 pm

[re=188876]krlars[/re]: “Dissed in Detroit: The Christine Beatty Story”, a very special Lifetime movie event coming this fall.

Internally valid December 2, 2008 at 12:39 pm

[re=188875]randomsausage[/re]: After chili?

Cape Clod December 2, 2008 at 12:41 pm

[re=188892]hedgehog[/re]: Good point, maybe I should have said ‘bend over?’

dano December 2, 2008 at 12:43 pm

The moral to this story is: If you’re an elected official who’s banging a subordinate, don’t text her like you’re 13 years old.

randomsausage December 2, 2008 at 12:45 pm

[re=188900]Internally valid[/re]: as long as she didn’t have corn niblets as a side dish….

TheRealJimbo December 2, 2008 at 12:46 pm

I’ve never been able to type “LOL”. I’m more of a “That was funny” guy. Those are real words.

Chief Grinning Eagle December 2, 2008 at 12:47 pm

This is another “bush violation” on the governments. Or was she shaven?
All these foul practices originated like the lame duck hisself at the Phillips Academies.

It’s a Madonna song isn’t it? Enter and Exeter over Andover.

actor212 December 2, 2008 at 12:48 pm

What a sad society we live in when two people with power can’t indulge their sexual attraction for each other without someone like a wife interfering.

norbizness December 2, 2008 at 12:51 pm

Wasn’t she the one in I’m Gonna Get You Sucka! who seduced Keenan in a bar, then when she got home the wig, dentures, etc. came out?

Woodwards Friend December 2, 2008 at 12:52 pm

[re=188865]TGY[/re]: Bullshit. Her actions destroyed the careers of several police officers and cost Detroit taxpayers $8,400,000 we don’t have. Beatty is a miserable cunt who is getting exactly what she deserved.

Internally valid December 2, 2008 at 12:53 pm

[re=188908]TheRealJimbo[/re]: TWF.

Chief Grinning Eagle December 2, 2008 at 12:58 pm

[re=188911]actor212[/re]: Elmer Fudd sings Sinatra: “That’s Wife. . .That’s wife, that’s what all the people say. You’re widing high in Apwil, Shot down in May.”

shortsshortsshorts December 2, 2008 at 1:00 pm

[re=188915]Woodwards Friend[/re]: Yes but can you really put a price tag on love?

BigDupa December 2, 2008 at 1:09 pm

Did she also apologize for the Lions?

4tehlulz December 2, 2008 at 1:12 pm

[re=188893]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: m0ar l1ek salad b0wl am1r1te?

V572625694 December 2, 2008 at 1:13 pm

[re=188927]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Elliot Spitzer says, “Yes you can!”

ph7 December 2, 2008 at 1:14 pm

She reminds me of the alligator who walked into a bar and ordered a drink-

The bartender asked, “Why the long face”?

Woodwards Friend December 2, 2008 at 1:22 pm

[re=188927]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Love? I call it the Scottie Pippen-in-a-wig fetish.

Min December 2, 2008 at 1:29 pm

The wheels of justice turn slowly, but they do occasionally turn.

DangerousLiberal December 2, 2008 at 1:40 pm

[re=188861]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Hey, she’s not so bad. I’d hit it. Anyone got her digits? I gotta text her.

El Bombastico December 2, 2008 at 2:26 pm

The vest is red so it doesn’t show the chili stains that result from all the Chili Bowl sexing. Or so I assume.

donner_froh December 2, 2008 at 2:34 pm

[re=188915]Woodwards Friend[/re]: She deserves some jail time just for the incident in which she was pulled over by a Detroit cop–late at night, driving erratically, probably drunk–and she gave him the “Do you know who the fuck I am” line. Although when reported it was “f***”.

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2008 at 2:37 pm

[re=188864]Terry[/re]: If you lined up all the intelligent and educated woman who slept with wide loads, the parade would stretch from NYC to LA, would be led by Hillary Clinton, and would have a special float for the wives and girlfriends of Rudolph Giuliani.

Borat December 2, 2008 at 2:37 pm

Since when has been betraying the public’s trust been a crime?

I actually like this as we can send any politician or government official to the klink for ever, good bye.

Woodwards Friend December 2, 2008 at 2:44 pm

Had Christine and Kwame been Detroit Lions they might have learned this important lesson: “There’s a way you behave on Mack and Bewick that you don’t behave on 14 Mile and Orchard Lake.”

Can’t make this stuff up.

hobospacejungle December 2, 2008 at 3:36 pm

Does she have one of them peanut butter pussies? Smooth, brown & easy to spread? That would explain a lot.

bitchincamaro December 2, 2008 at 3:53 pm

Spent a week at mom’s (west side) last month. The first day I was there, Kwame got sentenced to the joint for a whole 6 months, I think. The last day of my stay, Obama got elected President. All kinds of joviality in between, helped make it a most memorable and pleasant visit, for once.

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