next time just have normal phone sex

Detroit Sexy Text Message Gal Pleads Guilty

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America's greatest mayor's greatest chief of staffChristine Beatty, former Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s former chief of staff and the woman on receiving end of Kilpatrick’s repeated inducements to meet him for some sexytime at the Benz Chili Bowl, got all suited up in a DEMURE RED SWEATER VEST and delivered a heartfelt apology to the people of Detroit after pleading guilty to two felonies. She betrayed the public trust by lying about her affair with this terrible doofus, who himself lied about a whole bunch of things (some of them actually consequential), and they both got caught, the end. The moral of the story is this: never sleep with anyone who thinks LOL is an actual word. [Detroit Free Press]

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Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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  • ManchuCandidate

    Sara, so based on your moral then I shouldn’t sleep with anyone over 33! Huzzah!

    That’s a moral I can believe in.

  • hedgehog

    That red sweater vest is actually Christine’s uniform from her new job at Chotchke’s. She took off her 15 pieces of flair to read the apology.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=188855]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I think that would be under 33. You got dibs on teh oldz. Uh, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  • Kev-O-Tron

    Another moral I see in this – Don’t sleep with ugly people. the end.

  • randomsausage

    Just another Detroit resident after a massive government injection…..

  • Terry

    I still can’t understand what she was doing sleeping with Kwame. Beatty is an intelligent and educated woman and Kwame with a wide load with a massive sense of entitlement.

  • TGY

    This seems like a sad affair and a really mean-ass punishment. What happened to all those guys who wrecked the world financial system, eh? Nada.

    I take this as a lesson. If I ever commit a crime, it’s going to be a big one. MOO HA HA!

  • Larry McAwful

    I’ve never slept with anyone who thought LOL is a word, and consequently avoided a lot of bad sex. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had was with a woman who thought that anyone who uses the phrase “I’m gonna rock your world” is a tragic, mouthbreathing moron.

    Hell, I should write a book on the correlation of the quality of sex partners and the quality of their vocabularies. If any ladies out there are interested in helping me with my research, drop me a line and I’ll make sure I invite you to my Nobel Prize party.

  • Larry McAwful

    P.S.: Send recent pic.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …considering the rate of foreclosure in Detroit, going to jail may be the only way to keep a roof over her head.

  • freakishlystrong


  • dannygutters

    Blah, Detroiters, you should have thought about it before the whole decades of white flight. So settle down and just throw your $100 at some poor inner city kids organization like you do every christmas, get your harumphs in about the ex-mayor, moan about why washington doesn’t love detroit and continue to give just enough of a damn to not live within the city limits but feel entitled to an opinion.

  • randomsausage

    Sara K…..any word whether Christine took it up the pooper?

  • krlars

    Maya Rudolph should totally play her in the Lifetime movie

  • WalnutsThePlumber

    LOL LOL LOL! Sit down, shut up and do your thing!

  • Not_So_Much

    I’d let her wake me up, you know, in that ‘Kwame’ sort of way…

  • jbd

    I feel a mysterious urge to make a joke about the Red Wings, but I can’t seem to come up with one.

    Next time, try a Finn?

    Yeah, doesn’t really work.

    Ooh, maybe there’s something in Octopussy.

    Or maybe I should actually do my job for awhile.

  • Cape Clod

    “I ask that you please continue to pray for me,” she said.

    I pray for people who have serious illnesses through no fault of their own, not for people who willingly and knowingly commit crimes. Sorry you got caught, sweetheart. Now suck it up and take your punishment.

  • hedgehog

    [re=188888]Cape Clod[/re]: Sucking it up was what got her into this situation.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Du they hav Benz Chili Bowl n jail. OMGLOLJKTTYL.

  • cal

    [re=188876]krlars[/re]: “Dissed in Detroit: The Christine Beatty Story”, a very special Lifetime movie event coming this fall.

  • Internally valid

    [re=188875]randomsausage[/re]: After chili?

  • Cape Clod

    [re=188892]hedgehog[/re]: Good point, maybe I should have said ‘bend over?’

  • dano

    The moral to this story is: If you’re an elected official who’s banging a subordinate, don’t text her like you’re 13 years old.

  • randomsausage

    [re=188900]Internally valid[/re]: as long as she didn’t have corn niblets as a side dish….

  • TheRealJimbo

    I’ve never been able to type “LOL”. I’m more of a “That was funny” guy. Those are real words.

  • Chief Grinning Eagle

    This is another “bush violation” on the governments. Or was she shaven?
    All these foul practices originated like the lame duck hisself at the Phillips Academies.

    It’s a Madonna song isn’t it? Enter and Exeter over Andover.

  • actor212

    What a sad society we live in when two people with power can’t indulge their sexual attraction for each other without someone like a wife interfering.

  • norbizness

    Wasn’t she the one in I’m Gonna Get You Sucka! who seduced Keenan in a bar, then when she got home the wig, dentures, etc. came out?

  • Woodwards Friend

    [re=188865]TGY[/re]: Bullshit. Her actions destroyed the careers of several police officers and cost Detroit taxpayers $8,400,000 we don’t have. Beatty is a miserable cunt who is getting exactly what she deserved.

  • Internally valid

    [re=188908]TheRealJimbo[/re]: TWF.

  • Chief Grinning Eagle

    [re=188911]actor212[/re]: Elmer Fudd sings Sinatra: “That’s Wife. . .That’s wife, that’s what all the people say. You’re widing high in Apwil, Shot down in May.”

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=188915]Woodwards Friend[/re]: Yes but can you really put a price tag on love?

  • BigDupa

    Did she also apologize for the Lions?

  • 4tehlulz

    [re=188893]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: m0ar l1ek salad b0wl am1r1te?

  • V572625694

    [re=188927]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Elliot Spitzer says, “Yes you can!”

  • ph7

    She reminds me of the alligator who walked into a bar and ordered a drink-

    The bartender asked, “Why the long face”?

  • Woodwards Friend

    [re=188927]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Love? I call it the Scottie Pippen-in-a-wig fetish.

  • Min

    The wheels of justice turn slowly, but they do occasionally turn.

  • DangerousLiberal

    [re=188861]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Hey, she’s not so bad. I’d hit it. Anyone got her digits? I gotta text her.

  • El Bombastico

    The vest is red so it doesn’t show the chili stains that result from all the Chili Bowl sexing. Or so I assume.

  • donner_froh

    [re=188915]Woodwards Friend[/re]: She deserves some jail time just for the incident in which she was pulled over by a Detroit cop–late at night, driving erratically, probably drunk–and she gave him the “Do you know who the fuck I am” line. Although when reported it was “f***”.

  • Jukesgrrl

    [re=188864]Terry[/re]: If you lined up all the intelligent and educated woman who slept with wide loads, the parade would stretch from NYC to LA, would be led by Hillary Clinton, and would have a special float for the wives and girlfriends of Rudolph Giuliani.

  • Borat

    Since when has been betraying the public’s trust been a crime?

    I actually like this as we can send any politician or government official to the klink for ever, good bye.

  • Woodwards Friend

    Had Christine and Kwame been Detroit Lions they might have learned this important lesson: “There’s a way you behave on Mack and Bewick that you don’t behave on 14 Mile and Orchard Lake.”

    Can’t make this stuff up.

  • hobospacejungle

    Does she have one of them peanut butter pussies? Smooth, brown & easy to spread? That would explain a lot.

  • bitchincamaro

    Spent a week at mom’s (west side) last month. The first day I was there, Kwame got sentenced to the joint for a whole 6 months, I think. The last day of my stay, Obama got elected President. All kinds of joviality in between, helped make it a most memorable and pleasant visit, for once.