OUR FLOURISHING ECONOMY  4:32 pm December 1, 2008

Your Dow Jones Falls Many Points After Investors Discover Some ‘Recession’ Thing

by Jim Newell

The Dow Jones fell 679 points today, since it’s been a full six days since Paulson last introduced a new multi-hundred billion dollar loan or loan guarantee program, and everyone on Wall Street is a child: “The day’s news reminded investors, who last week were buying on a burst of optimism, that the economy is still in serious trouble. And at midday, Wall Street had confirmation of what everyone has suspected for months, that the nation is indeed in a recession.” They just wanted to be sure, for the 80th time, that the economy was indeed contracting, and then it was SELL SELL SELL.

Also, Hank Paulson “says the administration is looking at other ways to utilize the rescue package, including alternatives for providing capital to financial institutions.” Jesus, this guy. JUST REFINANCE CRAPPY MORTGAGES ALREADY. Next week he will use his TARP authority to rethink capitalism in general, and the following week, the concept that humans should organize into societies. Finally.

Stocks fall sharply on consumer spending worries [AP]

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Hans the Brinker December 1, 2008 at 4:36 pm

I always thought The Great Depression sounded very Chinesey.

4tehlulz December 1, 2008 at 4:37 pm

Wall Street is like a basketball game; all the interesting action is at the beginning and the end of the game. Dow shits 5% at open today, then poops another 3 at the end.

SayItWithWookies December 1, 2008 at 4:38 pm

Last week it was the Bush recovery — today it’s the Obama recession.

Platypus December 1, 2008 at 4:40 pm

Marx grumbles, “Victory is mine!” Carbuncles suck.

Eliz17 December 1, 2008 at 4:41 pm

Is Hank P. getting a pardon? America’s inquiring poor class wants to know.

Neon Trotsky December 1, 2008 at 4:44 pm

Look guys, forget all the stuff people have been investing in–if you really want something secure to put your money into, I recommend tulips. It’s pretty much a sure thing…

WagTehGod December 1, 2008 at 4:44 pm

[re=188364]SayItWithWookies[/re]: No, it’s the Hillary recession.

Obama picks Hillary -> Dow tanks -> Therefore, Hillary is to blame.

Unless we can pin all this on Bowser. Perhaps he stopped eating and so fast-food stock is tanking?

The Unfairman December 1, 2008 at 4:46 pm

I hope the burning money in the picture is from Hank Paulson’s personal wallet.

Also, be careful Hank Paulson. Smokey Bear says only YOU can prevent wildfires…he used to say forest fires, but apparently that is no longer politically correct, because forests are no longer considered I forget the rest of the reasons but your mother’s a whore.

WagTehGod December 1, 2008 at 4:47 pm

… on the bright side, I just raised our score on the Ecodriving game.

user-of-owls December 1, 2008 at 4:49 pm

[re=188371]Neon Trotsky[/re]: Damn. How do I get my money out of emus?

Paterlanger December 1, 2008 at 4:50 pm

When Hank “says the administration is looking at other ways”… my first thought is What administration is he talking about? Is there one in office right now? Don’t these guys just seem to be punting right now, hoping the clock will run out before they’re forced to take another snap?

hobgoblin of little minds December 1, 2008 at 4:50 pm

I’m with Paulson on this one. Fuck a properly functioning, organized society, I want to return to the idyllic hunter-gatherer days.

Hans the Brinker December 1, 2008 at 4:51 pm

[re=188376]The Unfairman[/re]: Smokey The Bear

1ofUS December 1, 2008 at 4:53 pm

I used to see this old gypsy woman who said she could exchange all her molecules in a single moment for a measure of value. So I asked her if she could give me change for a dollar. Ok, she said, but first set your assets here on the table so I can work my pecuniary gland on your gainful charity. Well, needless to say, that sent my currency through the register and rang a ding as my cash drawer sprang open!

Wait, what was this about again?

nurple December 1, 2008 at 4:59 pm

We’re gonna wind up like 1990 Russia, without the cool fur hats or the musical talent.

Ted Perino December 1, 2008 at 5:02 pm

Oh, a recession? I didn’t notice ’cause I was groovin’ on El Presidente goofin’ in his potato-sack poncho. And there’s that hilarious photo of him and the turkey. That always cracks me up.

How can you worry about your job, your retirement, or your kids’ education when Alfred E. President is signaling us to just chill?

user-of-owls December 1, 2008 at 5:08 pm

[re=188388]nurple[/re]: On the upside, though, we do seem to be aggressively grooming some homegrown Vladimir Zhirinovskys.

fupduk December 1, 2008 at 5:12 pm

I’m getting tired of roadkill for supper… gonna jacklight a deer tonight….

m_supercomputer December 1, 2008 at 5:15 pm

[re=188388]nurple[/re]: Where do I sign up to be the new Yakov Smirnoff? I bet I could do that. Or, wait! In capitalist America, the new Yakov Smirnoff does *you!*

…this seems to be going in an unfortunate direction. Dammit, back to the hobo jungle for me.

nurple December 1, 2008 at 5:16 pm

User: I wonder what happened to him. It’s kinda like Rohm vs Himmler over there these days.

On the upside, plenty of time for chess and I can sell my greatcoat to tourists.

WhatTheHeck December 1, 2008 at 5:17 pm

And Bush’s legacy?
Well, he took from the many to give billions to a few corporations.
What a guy!

rocktonsammy December 1, 2008 at 5:18 pm

Why is Wall St. always the last to know?

Bowdoin December 1, 2008 at 5:18 pm

I think Dr Phil has diagnosed Wall Street as bipolar, and he’s having it over to the studio for a session one afternoon soon.

Aurelio December 1, 2008 at 5:20 pm

[re=188376]The Unfairman[/re]: Do you know how Smoky gets those hats he wears?
He eats Boy Scouts.

Lascauxcaveman December 1, 2008 at 5:22 pm

Srsly, I was all WTF about it all going up and everything last week. I’m staying out til at least after Jan 1.

nurple December 1, 2008 at 5:28 pm

Bowdoin: This just in. The Dow is driving nude the wrong way on the Pacific Coast Highway. Whoever thought that NASDAQ would be the stable one in that relationship.

StephanieInCA December 1, 2008 at 5:38 pm

[re=188371]Neon Trotsky[/re]: You can have your tulips, I’m putting my money in dog-hair sweaters. And commemerative Hopey plates.

user-of-owls December 1, 2008 at 5:41 pm

[re=188401]nurple[/re]: He’s in the Duma, of course.

Borat December 1, 2008 at 5:58 pm

Once again the government is moving to punish those of us who decided NOT to buy into overly inflated asset prices. A true capitalist would let them suffer and whither on the vine. And there are some supposed investors out there who fully deserve this

Lascauxcaveman December 1, 2008 at 5:59 pm

[re=188378]user-of-owls[/re]: Eat them. Duh.

Servo December 1, 2008 at 6:17 pm

Okay. They’ve pretty much exhausted every imaginable method to jump-start the economy except one. The one that prompted an about-face because it smelled of Keynesian principles, which is an ultimate sin within the GOP. They refuse to defy their narrow thinking, listen to the voice of reason, and concede to proven economic models because it underminds their political stance, and damn the consequences. “Stay the course.”
Christ, even the outcry from corporate giants about the dismal projections of holiday spending is falling on deaf ears. Everybody is lighting the right path for these clowns, they just can’t seem to be able to remove their heads from their colons to see it.
I thought these people were supposed to be smart.

problemwithcaring December 1, 2008 at 6:54 pm
null December 1, 2008 at 7:02 pm

Some brilliant analysts have derived a formula (similar to Black-Scholes) that shows that every time Paulson goes on tv, the market tanks. Why not put him on 24/7 and pump trillions into the Post Office so it can short sell equities? Then the price of stamps would go down enough to jump-start the global economy.

Hooray For Anything December 1, 2008 at 7:11 pm

You mean not even the ritual sacrifice of a Wal-Mart Temp was enough to save our economy?

ellie December 1, 2008 at 7:57 pm

Ha! I would care but I lost my money months ago! I look like some sort of super genius now!

Hutch December 1, 2008 at 8:13 pm

Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo. Just another smilin’ turd circling the flushing bowl of the U.S. economy.

Hutch December 1, 2008 at 8:27 pm

[re=188519]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Well said, Hooray, well said.

Tony AZ82 December 1, 2008 at 8:36 pm

@Hooray For Anything – wal-mart temp? no. wal mart – exec. Maybe.

Pop Socket December 1, 2008 at 9:32 pm

How well do those turnips grow in Florida swampland? Because I have tons of that sitting around doing nothing.

lumpenprole December 1, 2008 at 11:24 pm

[re=188519]Hooray For Anything[/re]:

Do you think they’ve considered arming the traders with handguns and announcing a big sale day on the floors of the various exchanges?

wickedlittledoll December 1, 2008 at 11:46 pm
SayItWithWookies December 2, 2008 at 12:24 am

Oh, and look what Citigroup’s doing with our money — buying a toll road operator in Spain. At only $10 billion, it’s practically free. I’m just so happy we bailed these fuckers out.

villageatrois December 2, 2008 at 2:47 am

Lezzee here…. Keynes would have recommended hiring a lot of people to build roads and such so they could get paid and spend money. But now, we just give money to buy the roads, skipping the middle man, who can’t afford to go through the toll booth anyway because he’s jobless.

Crap, it all seemed so brilliant when Paulson said it, and it looks so bad when I write it down in this crappy so-called English, which is not even an official language grumble grumble.

1st phase: collect underpants
2nd phase: buy toll roads
3rd phase: ?
4th phase: Profit!

Scooter December 2, 2008 at 6:59 am

The guys and gals on CNBC tell us this process is known as “putting in a bottom”. It’s “putting in a bottom” here and “putting in a bottom” there. Ya know, they kinda have dirty minds.

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