The Dow Jones fell 679 points today, since it’s been a full six days since Paulson last introduced a new multi-hundred billion dollar loan or loan guarantee program, and everyone on Wall Street is a child: “The day’s news reminded investors, who last week were buying on a burst of optimism, that the economy is still in serious trouble. And at midday, Wall Street had confirmation of what everyone has suspected for months, that the nation is indeed in a recession.” They just wanted to be sure, for the 80th time, that the economy was indeed contracting, and then it was SELL SELL SELL.

Also, Hank Paulson “says the administration is looking at other ways to utilize the rescue package, including alternatives for providing capital to financial institutions.” Jesus, this guy. JUST REFINANCE CRAPPY MORTGAGES ALREADY. Next week he will use his TARP authority to rethink capitalism in general, and the following week, the concept that humans should organize into societies. Finally.

Stocks fall sharply on consumer spending worries [AP]

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  1. Wall Street is like a basketball game; all the interesting action is at the beginning and the end of the game. Dow shits 5% at open today, then poops another 3 at the end.

  2. Look guys, forget all the stuff people have been investing in–if you really want something secure to put your money into, I recommend tulips. It’s pretty much a sure thing…

  3. [re=188364]SayItWithWookies[/re]: No, it’s the Hillary recession.

    Obama picks Hillary -> Dow tanks -> Therefore, Hillary is to blame.

    Unless we can pin all this on Bowser. Perhaps he stopped eating and so fast-food stock is tanking?

  4. I hope the burning money in the picture is from Hank Paulson’s personal wallet.

    Also, be careful Hank Paulson. Smokey Bear says only YOU can prevent wildfires…he used to say forest fires, but apparently that is no longer politically correct, because forests are no longer considered I forget the rest of the reasons but your mother’s a whore.

  5. When Hank “says the administration is looking at other ways”… my first thought is What administration is he talking about? Is there one in office right now? Don’t these guys just seem to be punting right now, hoping the clock will run out before they’re forced to take another snap?

  6. I’m with Paulson on this one. Fuck a properly functioning, organized society, I want to return to the idyllic hunter-gatherer days.

  7. I used to see this old gypsy woman who said she could exchange all her molecules in a single moment for a measure of value. So I asked her if she could give me change for a dollar. Ok, she said, but first set your assets here on the table so I can work my pecuniary gland on your gainful charity. Well, needless to say, that sent my currency through the register and rang a ding as my cash drawer sprang open!

    Wait, what was this about again?

  8. Oh, a recession? I didn’t notice ’cause I was groovin’ on El Presidente goofin’ in his potato-sack poncho. And there’s that hilarious photo of him and the turkey. That always cracks me up.

    How can you worry about your job, your retirement, or your kids’ education when Alfred E. President is signaling us to just chill?

  9. [re=188388]nurple[/re]: Where do I sign up to be the new Yakov Smirnoff? I bet I could do that. Or, wait! In capitalist America, the new Yakov Smirnoff does *you!*

    …this seems to be going in an unfortunate direction. Dammit, back to the hobo jungle for me.

  10. User: I wonder what happened to him. It’s kinda like Rohm vs Himmler over there these days.

    On the upside, plenty of time for chess and I can sell my greatcoat to tourists.

  11. Bowdoin: This just in. The Dow is driving nude the wrong way on the Pacific Coast Highway. Whoever thought that NASDAQ would be the stable one in that relationship.

  12. Once again the government is moving to punish those of us who decided NOT to buy into overly inflated asset prices. A true capitalist would let them suffer and whither on the vine. And there are some supposed investors out there who fully deserve this

  13. Okay. They’ve pretty much exhausted every imaginable method to jump-start the economy except one. The one that prompted an about-face because it smelled of Keynesian principles, which is an ultimate sin within the GOP. They refuse to defy their narrow thinking, listen to the voice of reason, and concede to proven economic models because it underminds their political stance, and damn the consequences. “Stay the course.”
    Christ, even the outcry from corporate giants about the dismal projections of holiday spending is falling on deaf ears. Everybody is lighting the right path for these clowns, they just can’t seem to be able to remove their heads from their colons to see it.
    I thought these people were supposed to be smart.

  14. Some brilliant analysts have derived a formula (similar to Black-Scholes) that shows that every time Paulson goes on tv, the market tanks. Why not put him on 24/7 and pump trillions into the Post Office so it can short sell equities? Then the price of stamps would go down enough to jump-start the global economy.

  15. [re=188519]Hooray For Anything[/re]:

    Do you think they’ve considered arming the traders with handguns and announcing a big sale day on the floors of the various exchanges?

  16. Lezzee here…. Keynes would have recommended hiring a lot of people to build roads and such so they could get paid and spend money. But now, we just give money to buy the roads, skipping the middle man, who can’t afford to go through the toll booth anyway because he’s jobless.

    Crap, it all seemed so brilliant when Paulson said it, and it looks so bad when I write it down in this crappy so-called English, which is not even an official language grumble grumble.

    1st phase: collect underpants
    2nd phase: buy toll roads
    3rd phase: ?
    4th phase: Profit!

  17. The guys and gals on CNBC tell us this process is known as “putting in a bottom”. It’s “putting in a bottom” here and “putting in a bottom” there. Ya know, they kinda have dirty minds.

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