THAT'S NOT CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN  3:23 pm December 1, 2008

Government To Offer Worthless Porn-Free Internet For Free

by Ken Layne

My fellow pedophiles ....The FCC has announced a bold new socialist plan to provide wireless Internet all over America, for free! But it won’t have any pr0n, so Americans won’t actually use this free gift. Also, it will be hella slow, as it will be operated by wireless companies forced to do so, by the government, and in competition with the for-profit porn Internet wireless service, which will be super fast. [Silicon Valley Insider/Wall Street Journal]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 67 comments }

nurple December 1, 2008 at 3:26 pm

This is the greatest idea, since Al Gore had the idea of broadcasting traffic reports on the radio, in the year 2000.

CivicHoliday December 1, 2008 at 3:29 pm

Because we have lots of extra taxpayer money to throw around and buy worthless services, right?

dmac December 1, 2008 at 3:31 pm

“porn-free Internet”

ERROR // DIVIDE BY ZERO

ManchuCandidate December 1, 2008 at 3:31 pm

Abstinence for Wireless ‘tubes?

What animal assrape pR0n will Repub/Fundies rub one out to when all they have is their Blackberry?

space stout December 1, 2008 at 3:33 pm

well, if its really slow then it is a shame their won’t be any porn- cuz that’s just the perfect scenario to watch lesbian porn…

TGY December 1, 2008 at 3:33 pm

Listen, pr0n was the reason Al Gore invented the internet. Actually, the Nobel Prize committee wanted to give it to him for his contribution to pr0n propagation, but, you know, that wouldn’t do.

user-of-owls December 1, 2008 at 3:33 pm

So THAT’S what they’re going to do with all the rabbit-ears people hand over.

robanybody December 1, 2008 at 3:34 pm

The government, providing us with free access to a mode of communication that relies on easily trackable computer signatures and allows for not only complete tracking of our online speech, e-mails, and web destinations but a reverse portal that makes accessible the complete contents of our computers? There is a Santa! Only problem is, he moonlights for the National Security Agency.

Serolf Divad December 1, 2008 at 3:34 pm

The internet without porn is kinda like an American flag without any stars on it. It just ain’t right.

Hamster December 1, 2008 at 3:35 pm

I’m sure it will be propaganda free also…. wait, do I have to buy a laptop to use this? Where’s my gov’t issued Apple store coupon?

trophy(forparticipation)wife December 1, 2008 at 3:37 pm

Define porn? Would we still get to see things like Anderson Cooper swimming?

ManchuCandidate December 1, 2008 at 3:39 pm

[re=188234]robanybody[/re]:
To be honest, the NSA already does that (Shhhhhh!)

What wireless internet does is that it pinpoints your geographic location thanks to GPS.

magic titty December 1, 2008 at 3:41 pm

Looks like everyone will be headed back to the days of masturbating to microfiche.

jagorev December 1, 2008 at 3:41 pm

[re=188220]CivicHoliday[/re]: Um… the radio frequencies (in, you know, the atmosphere) are public property. The government is auctioning the rights to use these frequencies to private operators, and one of the conditions of the auction is that the winning bidder has to use part of the frequency to provide free wireless internet all over the country.

If this plan goes through, there would be absolutely zero taxpayer money being used for it. You might want to RTFA next time.

WagTehGod December 1, 2008 at 3:42 pm

Does this mean the Internet won’t work when I do my daily “Hillary+Clinton+nude+truck+nutz” Google search?

friendlynerd December 1, 2008 at 3:44 pm

This should work about as well as Wireless Philadelphia. Which is to say not at all, ever.

WIDTAP December 1, 2008 at 3:44 pm

[re=188243]trophy(forparticipation)wife[/re]: …or buttsecks. The Catholic girls always said buttseck wasn’t real sex anyway.

Vewol Mevemont December 1, 2008 at 3:45 pm

Is there really a part of the internet that doesn’t have porn? I’m curious to see this.

Serolf Divad December 1, 2008 at 3:46 pm

[re=188243]trophy(forparticipation)wife[/re]:

Yes, but you wouldn’t get to see what happened in the locker room showers afterward.

Godot December 1, 2008 at 3:47 pm

I’d like to know how they plan to magically filter out all pornographic content. Will they have some kind of computer vision program programmed to identify tits and pussies? At the very least I’d think you could set up a simple proxy to access the offending content through.

trophy(forparticipation)wife December 1, 2008 at 3:47 pm

[re=188261]WIDTAP[/re]: As a real live Catholic girl, I would have to stay with the faithful on that one.

Wag Das Hund December 1, 2008 at 3:48 pm

[re=188234]robanybody[/re]: Manchurian Candidate is right, Feegle boy.

trophy(forparticipation)wife December 1, 2008 at 3:51 pm

[re=188266]Serolf Divad[/re]: You did make me think for a minute. It was pretty good. A visual would have been helpful though. I see your point.

dmac December 1, 2008 at 3:51 pm

[re=188267]Godot[/re]: Yes, definitely, I have to assume there will be a proxy to get to any content whatsoever in… hm, why, what do you know, it’s already been created.

AngryBlakGuy December 1, 2008 at 3:53 pm

…why would the connection be slow? I mean, subtract all the pr0n sites and you only have like 2 or 3 sites left?!

King of Pants December 1, 2008 at 3:53 pm

Rule 34 on Ken Layne.

BigDupa December 1, 2008 at 3:56 pm

I hear the Department of Agriculture is looking to give away milk the has no vitamin D.

nurple December 1, 2008 at 3:57 pm

All my porn is jacquard-loomed on watered silk, and is hand delivered by a hunchback in a taxi. And the government pays for it.

azw88 December 1, 2008 at 3:58 pm

There is a free wireless in downtown Tucson, and it works pretty fuckin good! My county computer is filtered for all kinds of stuff, not just pr0n. However, I get around that by using my own laptop to pick up the interwebs and can do all sorts of fun shit the county won’t let me do, like surf for porn, gamble, and read the Wonkette!!

Naked Bunny with a Whip December 1, 2008 at 4:04 pm

On the plus side, a smut-free internet won’t have Free Republic, World Net Daily, or the Wall Street Journal, either.

tunamelt December 1, 2008 at 4:05 pm

[re=188284]King of Pants[/re]: omfg. no.

problemwithcaring December 1, 2008 at 4:07 pm

What ain’t porn on the internet. Really.

trophy(forparticipation)wife December 1, 2008 at 4:09 pm

Next, they’ll be watering down the hand cream.

bearbait December 1, 2008 at 4:20 pm

[re=188277]trophy(forparticipation)wife[/re]: EEW! Tell him to put his point up! This is a family site…well, sort of…not I guess. never mind.

PoliticalGraffiti December 1, 2008 at 4:20 pm

pron? well, thats ok. as long as we have porn

Guppy06 December 1, 2008 at 4:21 pm

Worry not about the slow speed! Back before everybody had blazing-fast 56k modems, we still had our pr0n, it was just text files. And no, I’m not just talking about ASCII art! Seems most of it can still be found here:

http://www.asstr.org/

sezme December 1, 2008 at 4:21 pm

All across America: “I know there’s now a free alternative and we’re behind on our mortgage payments. But our paid internet services is … so much faster! Don’t you want me to find work?”

Botswana Meat Commission FC December 1, 2008 at 4:22 pm

TRON + porn = pron

trondant December 1, 2008 at 4:55 pm

[re=188336]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: I fucking concur.

CivicHoliday December 1, 2008 at 4:56 pm

[re=188254]jagorev[/re]: Gosh, thanks, I wasn’t aware how the internet tubes functioned. I was, indeed, mistaken in thinking there were upfront financial incentives that would be in some way funded by tax dollars, but you don’t have to be such an asshole about it.

S.Luggo December 1, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Blue Jefferson Clinton the Cat December 1, 2008 at 5:02 pm

with fun postings about Cocktober and Blowvember, Wokette will definitely be blocked :( Guess I will keep paying for the internets

JuiceMe December 1, 2008 at 5:10 pm

Hella? That’s what Republicans sound like when they want to be hip.

robanybody December 1, 2008 at 5:17 pm

[re=188273]Wag Das Hund[/re]: You’re sayin they’re already noowin about the drinkin, fightin and stealin—and now they can catch us doin it? Oh, wailie, wailie…!

edgydrifter December 1, 2008 at 5:18 pm

Mocked me! Mocked me, they did, for the thousands of countless hours spent siphoning pr0n from the net to my vast basement masterbepository. The missed birthdays, the weeks without showers, all to amass petabyte upon petabyte of hot ____ on ____ action (I don’t judge, I harvest all). NOW who’s laughing, mortals? ME! Ha ha ha! That’s right, bow before your your new god–the Lord of Archived Pr0n! Excelsior!!!

nypricks December 1, 2008 at 5:21 pm

HEY THAR PEDOBEAR!

rambone December 1, 2008 at 5:29 pm

Why must teh gubment fuck up everything it touches?

fupduk December 1, 2008 at 5:29 pm

A porn free internet would be as useful as tits on a Boar Hog

CuntryFirst December 1, 2008 at 5:30 pm

If it’s also Paultard-free, then I’m in

trophy(forparticipation)wife December 1, 2008 at 5:38 pm

[re=188419]CuntryFirst[/re]: Two birds with one stone: http://www.zimbio.com/Libertarianism/articles/17/Lament+of+a+Naked+Libertarian

Kev-O-Tron December 1, 2008 at 5:50 pm

[re=188408]edgydrifter[/re]: Really? I thought you had good strip clubs in Portland. What gives?

edgydrifter December 1, 2008 at 6:02 pm

[re=188439]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Yes! Their excellence is exceeded only by their number. They are to us as, say, Starbucks is to you up there in Emerald City. And when there is no more pr0n to cull from the intertubes, I will have much more free time to visit our fine and numerous estabishments.

Guppy06 December 1, 2008 at 6:18 pm

[re=188419]CuntryFirst[/re]: It will be devoid of that elite corps of Paultards that actually understand what the man is talking about, who will boycott it on the grounds that the airwaves should be private property and the evil, evil government shouldn’t make people provide access for free. 95% of the Paultards out there, though, will jump on and say something about the internet “wanting to be free.”

Borat December 1, 2008 at 6:24 pm

I hope the free government intertubes strongly promotes religion, because I’m SICK of not being allowed to mix church and state. Like those baddies who say we can’t have a nativity scene in the town hall, unless we make it non-denominational.

If the gubberment is involved maybe this non-denominational gubberment-supported religion on those intertubes can be like muzak – a milder, less offensive version of the original?

edgydrifter December 1, 2008 at 6:43 pm

[re=188471]Borat[/re]: The Oralweb (for Oral Roberts, duh… why, what did you think I was referring to?) will be chock full of sturch and chate. I anticipate a bazillionty hits for my All-Reagan Nativity Scene. I use pilfered mannequins wearing Reagan masks for all the characters–except Mary, because that would be creepy and gay. She gets a Palin mask.

Did I mention the mannequins are all unclothed? I like to think it’s tastefully done.

POLLSCLOSED December 1, 2008 at 7:13 pm

I’m not sure what’s more ludicrous, the sheer stupidity of the FCC plan, or the fact that I’m looking at a shoop of Pedobear on a well-established blog that links to major news sites. I was pretty sure about it before, but there is now incontrovertible evidence that Wonkette is essentially /b/ for grownup political junkies…btw, rule 34 on Layne NAO; inb4 “Why don’t you have a seat there?”

Myrna the Minx December 1, 2008 at 7:52 pm

Did Ken Layne actually write the word “hella?” I may have to go kill myself now.

RabidHamster December 1, 2008 at 8:04 pm

[re=188417]fupduk[/re]: On the plus side, the daily productivity of us remote workers will start skyrocketing.

youbastid December 1, 2008 at 9:17 pm

[re=188252]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Not necessarily true. You have to have a GPS receiver in the device to be pinpointed. If the connection is only wireless (as is the case with most computers and the first iPhone) then “they” can only get a vague idea of where you are via triangulation.

youbastid December 1, 2008 at 9:19 pm

Also, it will be very, very easy to get around this filter via a proxy…haven’t you guys figured out how to use youtube at work yet??

Polly Sigh-Entist December 1, 2008 at 10:43 pm

Boys and Girls, did you forget?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNARJPNz2CA

lumpenprole December 1, 2008 at 11:03 pm

ASCII porn = Resistance!

Freelance Minion December 1, 2008 at 11:14 pm

No Pron on the government internet? My God! Will they at least let us have porn?

Seriously, how do they think they are going to stop it? Install square tubes so all the round porn can’t get through them?

assholette December 2, 2008 at 12:12 am

I cant wait for wellfarenet

Ken Layne December 2, 2008 at 12:16 am

[re=188533]Myrna the Minx[/re]: Oh, I can do all kinds of awful stuff.

thwanger December 2, 2008 at 1:25 am

oh nos! no prawn?!? but why?!?! mmm, prawn. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prawn

J05H December 2, 2008 at 2:30 am

Furries. Their everyone’s problem.

So, uh, who did Pedobear chase after that speech? And what’s this about /b/ having an upper age limit? Is that limit several hundred years old, since Guy Fawkes was BORN on /b/? HENNGGGHHH?

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: