Government To Offer Worthless Porn-Free Internet For Free

  that's not change we can believe in

My fellow pedophiles ....The FCC has announced a bold new socialist plan to provide wireless Internet all over America, for free! But it won’t have any pr0n, so Americans won’t actually use this free gift. Also, it will be hella slow, as it will be operated by wireless companies forced to do so, by the government, and in competition with the for-profit porn Internet wireless service, which will be super fast. [Silicon Valley Insider/Wall Street Journal]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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67 comments

  1. nurple

    This is the greatest idea, since Al Gore had the idea of broadcasting traffic reports on the radio, in the year 2000.

  2. CivicHoliday

    Because we have lots of extra taxpayer money to throw around and buy worthless services, right?

  3. ManchuCandidate

    Abstinence for Wireless ‘tubes?

    What animal assrape pR0n will Repub/Fundies rub one out to when all they have is their Blackberry?

  4. space stout

    well, if its really slow then it is a shame their won’t be any porn- cuz that’s just the perfect scenario to watch lesbian porn…

  5. TGY

    Listen, pr0n was the reason Al Gore invented the internet. Actually, the Nobel Prize committee wanted to give it to him for his contribution to pr0n propagation, but, you know, that wouldn’t do.

  6. robanybody

    The government, providing us with free access to a mode of communication that relies on easily trackable computer signatures and allows for not only complete tracking of our online speech, e-mails, and web destinations but a reverse portal that makes accessible the complete contents of our computers? There is a Santa! Only problem is, he moonlights for the National Security Agency.

  7. Serolf Divad

    The internet without porn is kinda like an American flag without any stars on it. It just ain’t right.

  8. Hamster

    I’m sure it will be propaganda free also…. wait, do I have to buy a laptop to use this? Where’s my gov’t issued Apple store coupon?

  9. ManchuCandidate

    [re=188234]robanybody[/re]:
    To be honest, the NSA already does that (Shhhhhh!)

    What wireless internet does is that it pinpoints your geographic location thanks to GPS.

  10. jagorev

    [re=188220]CivicHoliday[/re]: Um… the radio frequencies (in, you know, the atmosphere) are public property. The government is auctioning the rights to use these frequencies to private operators, and one of the conditions of the auction is that the winning bidder has to use part of the frequency to provide free wireless internet all over the country.

    If this plan goes through, there would be absolutely zero taxpayer money being used for it. You might want to RTFA next time.

  11. WagTehGod

    Does this mean the Internet won’t work when I do my daily “Hillary+Clinton+nude+truck+nutz” Google search?

  12. WIDTAP

    [re=188243]trophy(forparticipation)wife[/re]: …or buttsecks. The Catholic girls always said buttseck wasn’t real sex anyway.

  13. Vewol Mevemont

    Is there really a part of the internet that doesn’t have porn? I’m curious to see this.

  14. Serolf Divad

    [re=188243]trophy(forparticipation)wife[/re]:

    Yes, but you wouldn’t get to see what happened in the locker room showers afterward.

  15. Godot

    I’d like to know how they plan to magically filter out all pornographic content. Will they have some kind of computer vision program programmed to identify tits and pussies? At the very least I’d think you could set up a simple proxy to access the offending content through.

  16. trophy(forparticipation)wife

    [re=188261]WIDTAP[/re]: As a real live Catholic girl, I would have to stay with the faithful on that one.

  17. trophy(forparticipation)wife

    [re=188266]Serolf Divad[/re]: You did make me think for a minute. It was pretty good. A visual would have been helpful though. I see your point.

  18. dmac

    [re=188267]Godot[/re]: Yes, definitely, I have to assume there will be a proxy to get to any content whatsoever in… hm, why, what do you know, it’s already been created.

  19. AngryBlakGuy

    …why would the connection be slow? I mean, subtract all the pr0n sites and you only have like 2 or 3 sites left?!

  20. nurple

    All my porn is jacquard-loomed on watered silk, and is hand delivered by a hunchback in a taxi. And the government pays for it.

  21. azw88

    There is a free wireless in downtown Tucson, and it works pretty fuckin good! My county computer is filtered for all kinds of stuff, not just pr0n. However, I get around that by using my own laptop to pick up the interwebs and can do all sorts of fun shit the county won’t let me do, like surf for porn, gamble, and read the Wonkette!!

  22. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    On the plus side, a smut-free internet won’t have Free Republic, World Net Daily, or the Wall Street Journal, either.

  23. bearbait

    [re=188277]trophy(forparticipation)wife[/re]: EEW! Tell him to put his point up! This is a family site…well, sort of…not I guess. never mind.

  24. Guppy06

    Worry not about the slow speed! Back before everybody had blazing-fast 56k modems, we still had our pr0n, it was just text files. And no, I’m not just talking about ASCII art! Seems most of it can still be found here:

    http://www.asstr.org/

  25. sezme

    All across America: “I know there’s now a free alternative and we’re behind on our mortgage payments. But our paid internet services is … so much faster! Don’t you want me to find work?”

  26. CivicHoliday

    [re=188254]jagorev[/re]: Gosh, thanks, I wasn’t aware how the internet tubes functioned. I was, indeed, mistaken in thinking there were upfront financial incentives that would be in some way funded by tax dollars, but you don’t have to be such an asshole about it.

  27. Blue Jefferson Clinton the Cat

    with fun postings about Cocktober and Blowvember, Wokette will definitely be blocked :( Guess I will keep paying for the internets

  28. robanybody

    [re=188273]Wag Das Hund[/re]: You’re sayin they’re already noowin about the drinkin, fightin and stealin—and now they can catch us doin it? Oh, wailie, wailie…!

  29. edgydrifter

    Mocked me! Mocked me, they did, for the thousands of countless hours spent siphoning pr0n from the net to my vast basement masterbepository. The missed birthdays, the weeks without showers, all to amass petabyte upon petabyte of hot ____ on ____ action (I don’t judge, I harvest all). NOW who’s laughing, mortals? ME! Ha ha ha! That’s right, bow before your your new god–the Lord of Archived Pr0n! Excelsior!!!

  30. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=188408]edgydrifter[/re]: Really? I thought you had good strip clubs in Portland. What gives?

  31. edgydrifter

    [re=188439]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Yes! Their excellence is exceeded only by their number. They are to us as, say, Starbucks is to you up there in Emerald City. And when there is no more pr0n to cull from the intertubes, I will have much more free time to visit our fine and numerous estabishments.

  32. Guppy06

    [re=188419]CuntryFirst[/re]: It will be devoid of that elite corps of Paultards that actually understand what the man is talking about, who will boycott it on the grounds that the airwaves should be private property and the evil, evil government shouldn’t make people provide access for free. 95% of the Paultards out there, though, will jump on and say something about the internet “wanting to be free.”

  33. Borat

    I hope the free government intertubes strongly promotes religion, because I’m SICK of not being allowed to mix church and state. Like those baddies who say we can’t have a nativity scene in the town hall, unless we make it non-denominational.

    If the gubberment is involved maybe this non-denominational gubberment-supported religion on those intertubes can be like muzak – a milder, less offensive version of the original?

  34. edgydrifter

    [re=188471]Borat[/re]: The Oralweb (for Oral Roberts, duh… why, what did you think I was referring to?) will be chock full of sturch and chate. I anticipate a bazillionty hits for my All-Reagan Nativity Scene. I use pilfered mannequins wearing Reagan masks for all the characters–except Mary, because that would be creepy and gay. She gets a Palin mask.

    Did I mention the mannequins are all unclothed? I like to think it’s tastefully done.

  35. POLLSCLOSED

    I’m not sure what’s more ludicrous, the sheer stupidity of the FCC plan, or the fact that I’m looking at a shoop of Pedobear on a well-established blog that links to major news sites. I was pretty sure about it before, but there is now incontrovertible evidence that Wonkette is essentially /b/ for grownup political junkies…btw, rule 34 on Layne NAO; inb4 “Why don’t you have a seat there?”

  36. RabidHamster

    [re=188417]fupduk[/re]: On the plus side, the daily productivity of us remote workers will start skyrocketing.

  37. youbastid

    [re=188252]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Not necessarily true. You have to have a GPS receiver in the device to be pinpointed. If the connection is only wireless (as is the case with most computers and the first iPhone) then “they” can only get a vague idea of where you are via triangulation.

  38. youbastid

    Also, it will be very, very easy to get around this filter via a proxy…haven’t you guys figured out how to use youtube at work yet??

  39. Freelance Minion

    No Pron on the government internet? My God! Will they at least let us have porn?

    Seriously, how do they think they are going to stop it? Install square tubes so all the round porn can’t get through them?

  40. J05H

    Furries. Their everyone’s problem.

    So, uh, who did Pedobear chase after that speech? And what’s this about /b/ having an upper age limit? Is that limit several hundred years old, since Guy Fawkes was BORN on /b/? HENNGGGHHH?

Comments are closed.