On this Thanksgiving Eve, we want to remind Americans that all presidents have always looked like twits during the annual Turkey Pardon Photo Op — so Barack Obama will make history again as the first president to ever look cool next to these fucking turkeys. Here’s Harry Truman, reportedly forced by the National Turkey Federation to start the dumb tradition, thus ensuring that other popular Thanksgiving main courses of the time — ham, roast beast, parsnips, etc. — would fall by the wayside. The Turkey Industry was the Jack Abramoff of 1947.
Obviously faked, this photo of JFK’s 1963 pardoning of the bird allegedly took place just four days before he was assassinated by the CIA. Note that only a lone turkey is shown; presidents are always presented with two live turkeys, “just in case something goes wrong.”
Nixon’s own pardon would come soon enough.
America was outraged by yet another shocking pardon by Gerald Ford, who is pictured here being only vaguely aware he’s president, like always.
Say what you will about Reagan, but this was obviously the high point of his year.
But once the Bush Dynasty had formally taken power, the childlike glee was forever gone. Now the weeping turkey cowered and bowed before GHWB, pledging all the Saudi and Kuwaiti oil fields in exchange for clemency.
“You know, Jesse Jackson won South Carolina, too. What? Oh I hereby pardon this turkey and Marc Rich.”
It’s George Bush Junior’s last Thanksgiving in the White House! Good-bye, George! Thanks for, uhh, fucking up the whole world forever, you turkey.
The Annual Pardoning of the Thanksgiving Turkey [White House]
EARLIER: Bush Gets Some Turkeyneck Action
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So in Truman’s time, the turkey was still kinda the wild version.
At the very least, I’m sure Obama won’t be pardoning one of those white turkeys like all the past presidents.
Goddamn Ken, you’ve outdone yourself on the ALT tags, well played!
why do they always pick white turkeys! obama will do it right
Most popular president ever? Maybe Bush. Even the turkeys want to give him a beej.
(Alternate caption: “Most grateful turkey ever.”)
They can have the turkeys that march through my backyard and drive my cats bananas.
[re=186500]WagTehGod[/re]: beat me to it
[re=186500]WagTehGod[/re]: And if Barry wants to look cool doing this thing, he better be wearing those black-framed RayBans of his.
The turkey should be wearing some, too.
Kudos to Ken. That was some funny shiznit, alt-text most definitely included.
If only Ford had run on the “Turkey Slap Inflation Now” platform, how different history might have been.
[re=186513]PoliticalGraffiti[/re]: I couldn’t come up with a snarky sounding joke about dark meat vs. white meat.
Is that the ghost of Alaskan convicted felon Senators past over Gerald Ford’s shoulder?
I won’t be surprised if the turkey Bush pardons today is named Ted Stevens.
I’ll bet George W. is far more interested in the Wild Turkey at this point. If he hasn’t started drinking again, he should. God knows, our own livers have had quite the workout in the last 8 years he’s been fucking things up.
Li’l George Junior II pardoned a turkey? I guess the “no clemency” rule only applies to Texas death row inmates.
“Whip Inflation Now, Turkey” is classic. I still remember Ford going on TV with his little “W.I.N.” buttons.
This was awesome. Well done, Layne.
Mmm, roast beast….
that last turkey likes teh cock
this annual fiasco shows that the Turkey-industrial complex has the presidency by the balls.
Each president reaches out to touch the turkey, instinctively,
hoping to make contact with the transcendent turkey reality.
http://www.starshipmodeler.com/2001/ms_mono_Finishallfront.jpg
Caption for the Reagan pic: “Please, Mr. President — they don’t put the stuffing in until after the bird is dead.”
[re=186544]Fivetree[/re]: Weirdly, I plan on pardoning a bottle of Wild Turkey, tonight, also.
Who’s the Sandinista to Reagan’s left, btw? Look slike a Kojak-era baddie.
Little known fact: Jimmy Carter was actually eaten by the turkey he pardoned.
[re=186569]magic titty[/re]: …Bobby Jindal?
Didn’t Ike and LBJ have to do it too?
Nixon’s turkey is pretty damned scraggly looking. Did he pluck it to see if he was bugged?
Little known fact: it wasn’t only the Turkey Industry that lobbied the Truman administration… A lot of credit has to go to the Union of Concerned Chickens…
[re=186588]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Wow, it really does look roughed up and insane. Fucking Nixon…
[re=186580]JimBob[/re]: Too busy ‘pardoning’ Lady Bird that afternoon.
[re=186575]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Maybe, but whoever it is, I like his bangs..
Ha. The turkey JFK pardoned probably outlived him…too soon?
In the name of change, Barry should machine-gun a whole flock of turkeys on live TV next Thanksgiving, making up for the bleeding-heart mistakes of his predecessors.
Duh. No Turkey for President Obama; he will have a Tofurkey. CHANGE.
http://www.charlietueats.com
Why does Reagan have a 3rd World dictator next to him for his turkey pardon?
Why? Because Reagan was FUCKING HARDCORE. That’s why.
Oh, and I dig the dudes’ glasses in the Nixon pick. High time for a comeback, those Goldwater X-ray specs.
[re=186571]sezme[/re]: That’s nothing. Nixon ‘n Kissinger had a violent threeway with the turkey back in ’71.
If Bush was fucking smooth like Barry, when that turkey went to town on him he would have laughed, grabbed it by the neck, pulled it out of his junk and made a joke along the lines of, “Wow. This pardon is coming just in time. This turkey has clearly been in prison for too long…”
And then teh Mexzican Turkey Mafia, “Los Carne Blanca” would put out a hit on him for implying that their gang leader went homo, just like what happened to Edward James Olmos after American Me.
magic titty: I was thinking he was a little Roy Orbison-esque
Barry[re=186635]gambypants[/re]: Barry will introduce the “Tofuterducken Pardon.” But since they are getting pardoned, they will all be alive and not stuffed into each other. A Turkey, a Duck, a Chicken and an eight inch cube of Tofu, will all be lined up on a little stage in the Rose Garden. It will be like the fucking Price is Right. Larry Summers will guess all the prices right, except the tofu which he will mistake for a solidified block of “Feminine Discharge.” And he’ll say it just like that, with a sneer and heavily implied air quotes. Barry will tell him to “Cool it with hatin on the womens/healthy food, you fat bastard fuck.” And then he will look at the camera and tell me to go to lunch allready, because obviously my blood sugar is low right now or something…
Did li’l Bush at least give Ol’ Tom a reacharound?
they’re all a bunch of turkeys
[re=186503]freakishlystrong[/re]: Here here! haha
Whip Inflation Now
Where’s Carter’s bird? Or did he pardon a peanut?
[re=186515]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: Yes…as a recent whiner at the lack of alt-texts, I salute you and you–and the Whip Inflation Now reference is pretty hilarious.
[re=186580]JimBob[/re]: Carter, Eisenhower and Johnson apparently had the good sense not to be photographed pardoning their turkeys
Barry will freak everyone out when he dresses up in pilgrim garb (big wide hat, shoes w/buttons) and proceeds to chop the head off the turkey with an axe. Or have Rahm do it. Anyway that should cause people to think of him as a resolute decider. Only the turkey will be doing the flipflopping.
Fun Fact: A (younger?) Karl Rove is visible to Truman’s right.
Of course in almost all these instances the pardoned turkeys died of sickness or old age like a week later. [Except for Nixon.]
Yah know, that Palinator woman woulda just blown away this gol durn lame turkey pardon tradition. And the Teevee woulda been brilliant when the Secret Service see her comin outa the Whitehouse with the gun, and pile on McCain, and he goes all Hanoi on everybody, and the blood and the feathers all over the PETA ropeline.
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