Give Thanks To Your Wonkette Pals, With Recipes!

  bourbon for breakfast

Have some pecked cock d' bush!
While Barack Obama appoints Mr. Peabody as the Secretary of Science or whatever and no other news happens except the usual daily rain of Great Big Depression statistics, let’s give THX for whatever it is that didn’t go terribly wrong this year (the election, for example!) by sharing our favorite T-day food, beverage and dessert recipes right here, in the comments!

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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138 comments

  1. OhWhyOhio

    Make the pecan pie recipe off the back of Karo syrup (doesn’t matter if it is light syrup or dark – and extra points if you make your crust from scratch) – BUT add two tablespoons of bourbon OR spiced rum OR brandy to the pecan mixture before you pour it in the crust. You will be a legend.

    Proceed to drink the rest of whatever liquor you chose (which is a good reason to choose the bourbon) and enjoy everyone think you are awesome – at least, until next year when you realize you will never be allowed to attend another family event without a pie.

  2. AfghanVet

    Scotch…on a little bed of rocks and a good cigar.

    The scotch provides the buzz necessary to properly tune out the incessant chatter of various family members whom you must associate with despite having nothing in common except DNA and still look interested.

    The cigar allows you to keep them at a distance.

  3. Rush

    First, I get a big tank full of nothing. Then, I sprinkle in some “Bosnia Broccoli”, add my special PUMA dressing, blend in the Powell juice (but leave out the bitter herbs) then, voila, you have “Rush’s Famous Chicago Style, Terrorist Stew – filling up the entire tank.

    Mega ditto’s to y’all.

  4. numbersix

    Gather all the liquor in your nearly-empty cabinet.
    Put it all in a glass, together.
    Drink until your heart stops (repeat as necessary.)

  5. CivicHoliday

    Ok, fer serious, this is a simply yummy fruit dish:

    6 oz lemon yogurt
    1/2 cup slivered almonds, toasted
    1 green apple, diced
    1 red apple, diced
    2 pears, diced
    1 cup seedless grapes, halved
    2 tbs orange juice
    1 tsp lemon juice
    dash of orange zest

    (mix and enjoy!)

    P.S. That poor turkey has to give the prez a bj for his pardon. That’s how we do it in ‘murica, bitches!

  6. Anonymous Office Zombie

    You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey, so here is my award-winning Thanksgiving turkey recipe sure to please all the Wonketteers out there.

    Anonymous Office Zombie’s Thanksgiving Turkey Special Recipe

    Ingredients: 1 bottle Wild Turkey, 1 glass, ice

    Directions: Pour Wild Turkey into glass on the rocks or straight up. Drink. Repeat.

  7. american mutt

    vegetarian, green, enchiladas:

    corn tortillas
    green sauce (tomatillos, garlic, onion, green peppers)
    olive oil
    potatoes
    a crumbly mexican (or plan feta cheese)
    onions

    1. boil potatoes
    2. dice onions
    3. dice potatoes
    4. crumble cheese
    5. mix potatoes, onions, cheese in bowl
    6. have green sauce prepared
    7. warm oil in pan
    8. green sauce on low in something
    9. lightly cook corn tortillas in oil till they are lightly toasted
    10. dip in green sauce – let sit for 30 seconds
    11. place tortilla in baking dish
    12. put potato, cheese, onion stuff in tortilla
    13. fold tortilla
    14. repeat
    15. crumble cheese on top of unbaked enchiladas
    16. bake items in oven on 375 for 20mins.
    17. enjoy
    18. why did i go through all this trouble to post a recipe on wonkette?

  8. Paterlanger

    That’s one way to stuff a turkey! (rim-shot, please)

    But seriously, at my house we take the cooked stuffing, slice it thinly and then pan fry it like a potato pancake. Goes great with bourbon.

  9. Kev-O-Tron

    I like to eat a big plate of “Mom and Dad were nicer to you” with a big glass of “I never loved your Mother” and finish with some “I wish I was adopted.”

  10. CivicHoliday

    I’m happy to see all the bourbon lovers on here. That is, indeed, something to be truly thankful for – an actual, bonafide, American spirit that is yum yum yummy in my tum tum tummy.

  11. NoWireHangers

    Last year I made a Turducken from scratch. Sewed that fucker up with friends. This year we’re brining the turkey. I usually work from recipes, which aren’t as fun to post. I’ll just say that adding WALNUTS! to your stuffing or your sweet potatoes really adds a nice crunch.

    I recommend making a pumpkin pie from a real pumpkin. It’s pretty easy and tastes amazing. You just buy a pie pumpkin, quarter it, and steam it: you can do this in a big pot on your stove. Then scoop the pumpkin out and pop it in the blender until smooth. Nice fresh pumpkin for your pie; use it just as your would the canned stuff. Also, making the pastry dough from scratch isn’t that hard either. You’ll taste the difference. No preservatives either.

  12. Sproutz

    [re=186430]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: As long as you’re having Wild Turkey, add a big dollop of blood to it–or tomato juice if you’re squeamish. Call it a Bloody Sarah.

  13. Rush

    [re=186436]Kev-O-Tron[/re]:

    for dessert, don’t forget the “how come you don’t make as much money as your brother?”

  14. shortsshortsshorts

    1. Ski at Mammoth
    2. Boulder at the Buttermilks
    3. Drive through Nevada
    4. Drink
    5. Harass Ken Layne
    6. ??????
    7. PROFIT!

    HAPPY T-DAY you cretins.

  15. crikey_booya

    I love Laura Bush’s smoked turkey recipe:

    1 large turkey
    1 jumbo size package of Nicoderm(tm) patches

    Slap Nicoderm patches all over turkey. Bake. Serve with Slim Jim(tm) gravy.

  16. AngryBlakGuy

    …unfortunately I’m the designated alcoholic/clinically insane relative. So I don’t really “eat” anything(unless you consider a 64oz Big Gulp of Jack Daniels a food group), instead I just talk loudly about how the Moon landing was faked and make inappropriate comments about my nephews girlfriend.

  17. MathewBrooks

    This is Wonkette and NONE of these recipes involve gin or ass fucking. You people aren’t even trying.

  18. nestor

    [re=186415]putinontheritz[/re]: If my dad saw me put ice in a glass of Laphroaig he’d brain me with the bottle.

    And to everyone else, grow up and stop putting ice in your whiskey, scotch, bourbon, etc. It just gets in the way of the booze as it attacks your brain and liver.

  19. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=186448]Rush[/re]: yep. And I got dumped last weekend. I’m really looking forward to explaining that fucking situation over and over and over and over and over… I think I’ll just tell grandma my ex is a lesbian – that oughta work.

  20. DAmicosonegoodyear

    The newly-reformulated-back-to-the-1960′s-formula Schlitz for me…

    It’s so simple. So yummy. Like Point without the funky back-taste, like Lienies back when it tasted good.

    That, and a liter of gin. And a wood-smoked turkey.

  21. CivicHoliday

    [re=186456]MathewBrooks[/re]: I forgot to mention that you have to have butsecs with the fruit to ‘ripen’ it before adding it all together with the lemon yogurt. Are you happy now? My bruised pear says yes.

  22. BarthexDeRosa

    [re=186457]nestor[/re]: I have to put ice in it now…18 years of drinking straight whiskey has torn up my esophagus.

  23. Mustang

    [re=186441]NoWireHangers[/re]: WORD! re: the pie. It’s a completely different pie and soooooo delicious.

  24. AngryBlakGuy

    …ehhh, one time when I was in college and couldnt go home, me and a couple of people who lived in my building had turkey sandwiches and shots of vodka for Thanksgiving! Good times!

  25. freakishlystrong

    Simple. Sweet, delicious, pink babies, stuffed with kittens on a bed of agugula, in honor of our outgoing VEEP and our in-coming elitist.

  26. Terry

    Homemade cranberry sauce

    Pour a bag of fresh cranberries in a sauce pan. Add enough water to float the berries. Heat over low to moderate heat until the cranberries pop. Add orange juice, some sugar depending on how sweet the OJ is. Mix and chill. Voila, folks think you did something difficult.

  27. populucious

    The only drink you will need. It has fruit in it, so it’s healthy, and it has gin in it, so you wont remember anything:

    Mother’s Ruin Punch
    1/2 cup granulated sugar
    3/4 cup chilled club soda
    1 1/2 cups gin
    1 1/2 cups Fresh squeezed grapefruit juice, plus slices for garnish
    3/4 cup fresh squeezed lemon juice
    3/4 cup sweet vermouth
    2 1/4 cup Champagne or sparkling wine
    Ice

    In a picher, dissolve sugar into club soda. Add the gin & juice (with your mind on your money and your money on your mind) and the sweet vermouth. Refrigerate for about an hour. Either put the chilled gin & juice in a punch bowl and add the champagne, or pour gin & juice into glasses and top off with the champagne. Or, you know, drink the gin & juice straight from the picher and then finish by slamming a bottle of champagne. Whatever works best to deaden the sound of your mother’s bitter tears.

    Happy Holidays Everyone!!!!

  28. Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=186446]Sproutz[/re]:
    Nice. By the third or fourth Bloody Sarah everything Palin has said will start to make perfect sense. By the sixth, I’ll have attained all of her speechifying eloquence.

  29. american mutt

    [re=186455]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I had no idea those types of family members were reflective enough to recognize what they really are. Good for you. I’ll put extra whiskey in my coffee in your honor.

  30. SayItWithWookies

    I hardly ever use recipes, since I usually just improvise as I go along. I once made a dal (dot-not-feather Indian curried lentil soup) kinda guided by a recipe but veering off in my own direction as far as the curry went. I don’t know exactly what I threw in there, but the soup cooked for hours and ended up as really more of a stew, and the taste was pretty sensational. The first spoonful wasn’t particularly spicy, but the heat tended to accumulate, and after about a third of a bowl you could tell something really odd was going on.

    The soup just got hotter and hotter (though not unbearable, just hot) but the weird thing was that the top of my head got all tingly and it felt as though the top of my skull had been cut off and a cool breeze was wafting across the top of my brain. I made this on Thanksgiving afternoon when my housemate and I were hosting some friends who were staying in town. Everyone tried it, and their reaction was the same: “This is really good — but what the hell did you put in here?” I’ve tried to reproduce it several times since then, but never got it quite right. One day, though…

  31. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=186459]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: …if you really want to shut everyone up you should just say “I have a boyfriend now!”

  32. freakishlystrong

    [re=186468]Terry[/re]: Ah ha! I do that as well, it’s yumm-o, but all the cretins I cook for bring their own CAN…

  33. TJBeck

    1. Burnt turkey
    2. Beer
    3. Tears
    4. Gin
    5. Assfucking

    Mix and serve with lukewarm backhanded compliments. Keep leftovers and enjoy again at Christmas.


  34. Post author
    Ken Layne

    Here are some recipes from your editor, as told to SK Smith in our secret Wonkette editorial chat thing:

    “Oh here is a vegetemable dish to please yr friends, Sara: Go to the farmer’s market (or whatev store has good organic greens) and get a bunch of handsome Brussels Sprouts, and you paint these fuckers up heavy with olive oil, and you BROIL them until the outer buddies get nearly black and crispy. The insides get all perfect.

    (with none of the BITTERZ that people sometimes don’t like)

    and a bunch of rock salt. They are very tasty. If they’re too big, cut ‘em in half and put them cut-side up to the flame.”

    and:

    “It is also super easy to make fresh cranberry sauce, and people love it. Get two bags of fresh ocean spray commune cranberries in the produce section, use HALF as much sugar as they suggest on the bag (or a third), scrape up some orange peel into it (zest!), and pour three shots of bourbon — one for you, two for the cranberries.

    Mix it up, put ‘em in the oven on low (250?) until the sugar booze starts to soften and break down the cranberries. then fridge ‘em.”

  35. WagTehGod

    I use Cindy McCain’s pumpkin pie recipe that has been in the family for generations (i.e. stolen off the Food Network web site).

    Step 1: Go to the store and buy a pumpkin pie.
    Step 2: Cut yourself a slice
    Step 3: In lieu of whipped cream, pour a bottle of Percocet over the pie.
    Step 4: Eat (eating the pie is optional)

    Give thanks, and enjoy!

  36. Dildo Baggins

    Here’s something serious:
    Moroccan Sweet Potatoes
    Get some sweet potatoes or yams, cook and cube them (microwave or steamer works best)
    –You can use canned, but you need to rinse them off in a colander
    Saute diced onions in butter and olive oil
    Add thinly sliced peppers (jalepenos, habaneros) or you can use dried chili peppers or ground red pepper
    Add diced tomatoes
    Season with turmeric, cumin, cinnamon, coriander (you can experiment– something like Tan Tan spice also works)
    Add the cooked sweet potatoes
    Add a couple of tbs of honey
    Top with chopped cilantro or roasted almonds, or whatever

    This recipe is delicious, and allows you to blend the hotness and sweetness to your taste

    Enjoy with bourbon and butsecks!

  37. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=186477]charlesdegoal[/re]: good question. It’s possible to stuff a turkey with pot you know? Whent the THC starts mingling with the turkey juices weird shit starts to happen.

    [re=186476]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Not a bad idea.

  38. Stranger in the Alps

    The Peabody appointment didn’t work out. He wouldn’t stop growling and barking at Barry for some reason.

  39. WonksRunAmuck

    Bonus points if any of you can make challah bread from scratch whilst imbibing in the bourbon. That’s my plan for tomorrow morning. Could be interesting.

  40. hockeymom

    Sausage and Apple stuffing
    2 Sticks of GOOD Butter…plus 3 tblsp
    2 Cups of water
    2 large bags of cornbread stuffing (crumb, not cube)
    1 pound of pork sausage (I use spicy italian, but that’s just me)
    1 lg onion
    3 cloves garlic, minced
    2 stalks celery, diced
    3 med apples (granny smith for us), sliced
    1 cup of chopped walnuts

    in lg pot melt 2 stks of butter in water
    add cornbread stuffing, set aside

    in saute pan, melt 1 tbls of butter…add sausage.
    break it up and saute until browned and cooked
    -remove and drain
    -in same pan melt rest of butter, saute onions, garlic and celery…until celery is crisp/tender
    -add walnuts, saute for another minute
    -add apples, saute for one more minute
    -take off stove and combine with stuffing.

    I put the whole thing in a pan and bake in oven at 350 degrees…covered with foil. After 1/2 hour, take off foil and bake for about 15 minutes more.

    You can skip the oven and thing and shove the stuffing in the bird, but I think that’s gross and there’s always a greater chance the stuffing will pick up bad stuff from the bird and make you sick…so I’d advise the oven.

    Enjoy!

  41. Doglessliberal

    6 Servings

    6 small delicata squash, halved and seeds removed
    6 cups water
    1 cup uncooked wild rice (genuine Ojibwa if possible), rinsed
    1 cup uncooked quinoa, rinsed
    2 tsp. vegetable oil
    4 green onions (white and pale green parts), chopped
    1/2 cup chopped celery
    1 tsp. dried sage
    1/2 cup dried cranberries
    1/3 cup dried apricots, chopped
    1/3 cup chopped pecans or walnuts
    1/2 to 3/4 cup fresh orange juice
    Salt to taste
    Directions

    Preheat oven to 350°F. Arrange squash halves cut side down in baking dish or roasting pan. Bake until tender, 25 to 30 minutes.
    Meanwhile, make filling. In large saucepan, bring 4 cups water to boil. Add wild rice and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Reduce heat, cover and simmer until rice is tender, about 40 minutes. Drain if necessary.
    In another large saucepan, bring remaining 2 cups of water to boil. Add quinoa. Reduce heat and simmer until water is absorbed and quinoa is tender, about 12 minutes.
    In large, deep skillet, heat oil over medium heat. Add green onions, celery and sage, and cook, stirring often, until vegetables begin to soften, about 3 minutes. Add dried fruits and nuts and cook, stirring often, until heated through. Using a fork, fluff quinoa and wild rice, then add both to skillet. Add orange juice and mix until heated through. Season with salt.
    To serve, remove squash from oven and arrange on serving platter. Spoon filling into each squash cavity and serve.

  42. putinontheritz

    [re=186457]nestor[/re]: Ice or water loosens the full aroma and flavor of a whisky. But I understand– you like the thrill.

  43. AfghanVet

    Am I pushing the envelope of snark with our new President when I am surprised that we have nothing about fried chicken? I realize the cliche’ is tired as can be, but the fowl replacement is an easy one and if there is ONE thing I will be thankful for it will be the election of Mr. Obama. I would attempt something, but I am simply un-funny compared to the snark luminaries on Wonkette.

  44. hockeymom

    [re=186484]Ken Layne[/re]:
    I don’t care how many times my mom and Ken Layne try to convince me Brussels Sprouts have a valid role at the Thanksgiving Table, I’m not buying it. The sprouts are only one step above cooked califlower on my Do Not Eat list.

  45. shnazzer

    why has it never occurred to me that massive amounts of alcohol will make my family gatherings more tolerable when it helps in every other area of life? fuck therapy. from now on wonkette will be sole guide to life.

  46. elcapitan

    I’ll be having regret for Thanksgiving.

    I knew I shouldn’t have invested all of my whiskey money in Bear Stearns stock… but the guy on the street was selling it so cheap!

  47. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=186473]american mutt[/re]: …yeah, you can only be asked “not to come back next year” so many times before you put 2 & 2 together.

    And for those of you who don’t know:

    -Has everyone gotten up and walked away from the dining table leaving you there alone(often times still rambling incoherently)

    -Have you ever called a member of your immediate family a “whore” during dinner?

    -Has anyone in your immediate family threatened to “Kick your ass” during dinner?

    -Have you ever “blacked-out” during dinner; often times coming to in a jail cell?

    -Have you ever told anyone in your family how much you would love to “bang” their significant other during dinner?

    If so then you are family “drunk” and/or “psycho”. Congratulations!

  48. TGY

    Cooking a turkey is butt-stupid-easy, as long as you use a meat thermometer. However, I always seem to do well by using a baste of mixed melted butter and sweet vermouth. Dry vermouth is acceptible, especially with the dual-use martini thing.

  49. saucemaster

    1. bike over to chinatown.
    2. order general tso’s tofu for one.
    3. bike home.
    4. watch several episodes of ‘john from cincinnati’ in the dark.

  50. jagorev

    Here’s how I make my favorite dessert – the apple crisp:

    Cut up a shitload of apples into wedges and cubes (or have your kids do this for you, kids are great with knives). Make sure the apples you buy have some flavor and tartness, but are sturdy enough to hold up to heat. The crust below assumes you’re using about 6 apples, enough for 6 to 8 generous servings.

    Throw the cut up apple chunks into a big-ass bowl and toss with lemon juice, sugar, cinnamon, maybe a dash of brandy. You can do all of this prep work well ahead of time. Cover the bowl in plastic wrap and stick in the refrigerator, where the apples can absorb the flavorings until approximately one hour before dessert-time (I usually get the baking going just 10 minutes before we start dinner).

    Drink the rest of the brandy.

    Now, the dry goods: use your hands to mix 1/2 cup sugar, a stick of cold butter cut into small pats, just shy of a cup of rolled oats, and half a cup of chopped walnuts or pecans. Do not use a food processor for this – you don’t want a paste or smooth dough. You want a nice, chunky, crunchy kind of mixture. Use your fingertips to work the cold butter in.

    Dump the apples into a buttered baking pan (probably 8 inches square), then carefully, with your hands, spread the topping over the apples – you’re going for an even layer of topping with no holes, but it doesn’t have to be perfect.

    Stick in a 375 degree oven for about 40-50 minutes (use your eyes and fork to judge when the topping is properly browned and the apples underneath are tender).

    Serve with scoops of really good ice cream (I recommend the Haagen Dazs vanilla bean)

  51. Doglessliberal

    [re=186517]hockeymom[/re]: my mom tried. She shredded them, sauteed in olive oil with walnuts and salt and pepper, but still, they tasted like flatulence.

  52. hockeymom

    [re=186505]Doglessliberal[/re]: That sounds amazing. I may try this and credit “Liberal, sans Dog” at the table.

  53. Doglessliberal

    [re=186524]TGY[/re]: the key is a small bird, then cook at 425-450 for 20 mins, then 350. Fresh, organic birds cook quicker, too.

  54. AfghanVet

    [re=186499]PoliticalGraffiti[/re]: Surprise? We are a bunch of left-leaning smart asses…that defines lonely alcoholic.

    We snark (verb?) to feign indifference when we actually give a shit and we drink because our friends and family, who get all serious and shit about politics because they are feigning seriousness, are clueless and are the reason we are in such a shit of a state. And we are lonely because our snark exposes them for the hypocrits and douchebags they are.

    Any questions?

  55. Lascauxcaveman

    Here’s the recipe for my German granny’s famously mouthwatering GeschmackvolleswenigkuchenmitgehacktenÄpfelnundgewürzen:

    (No, I guess that would take up too much space.)

  56. Doglessliberal

    [re=186531]hockeymom[/re]: feel free, I am serving with turkey (marinating overnight), cornbread with corn and green chilis in it, ginger roasted broccoli, salad, wine of course, and this for dessert:

    Cranberry Bread Pudding

    12 Servings

    2 1/2 cups fresh or frozen cranberries
    1/3 cup maple syrup
    1/2 cup apple cider
    1 loaf Italian bread
    4 cups soy milk
    4 large eggs, beaten lightly
    4 ripe bananas, mashed
    1 cup sugar
    1 Tbs. vanilla extract
    1 Tbs. ground cinnamon
    1 Tbs. grated nutmeg
    Directions

    Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease or coat a 3-quart casserole with cooking spray.
    In small saucepan, combine cranberries, maple syrup and cider. Bring to a simmer over medium heat and cook, stirring occasionally, until cranberries burst and mixture thickens, 7 minutes. Remove from heat; drain excess liquid.
    Tear bread into small pieces and put into large bowl. Add soy milk, eggs, bananas, sugar, vanilla, cinnamon and nutmeg and mix well. Stir in cranberry mixture. Transfer to prepared pan.
    Bake until set, about 50 minutes. Set casserole on wire rack and let cool slightly before serving.

  57. Deepthroat

    Sarah Palin’s Bloody Turkey Cocktail

    1 1/2 oz Wild Turkey
    3 oz tomato juice
    1 dash lemon juice
    1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
    2 – 3 drops Tabasco® sauce

    Shake all ingredients (except lime wedge) with ice and strain into an old-fashioned glass over ice cubes. Add salt and pepper to taste. Garnish with turkey feather and serve.

  58. Doglessliberal

    [re=186533]AfghanVet[/re]: hey, there’s room at our table in northern Va. if you need somewhere to snark with company.

  59. Borat

    I had a meeting once at Reuters Office in Canary Wharf and in the meeting room there was a very large version of this picture.

    BEST MEETING EVR!

  60. OffTheRecord

    [re=186436]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Hey, that sounds like Thanksgiving at my house (and most of America). I will be having a big slice of “yes I’m still single” along with a side of “no I still don’t have a real job.” This is also the first holiday in my family where I am officially the oldest person without a husband or a baby. But I can cook better than any of those fuckers and therefore control the turkey so I win.

  61. OffTheRecord

    [re=186553]OffTheRecord[/re]: Oh, I forgot the best part. Secret bathroom flask drinking for dessert because no booze are allowed in my grandmothers house. Yay! God help me.

  62. Texan Bulldoggette

    I am praying that my husband doesn’t burn down the house with his deep fried turkey venture tomorrow.

    I don’t cook much & am way too lazy to type out any recipes here (maybe I should cut & paste one from Food Network ala Mrs. Walnuts) that everyone will be too drunk to eat or to remember eating. However, in light of the holiday, I will be adding a touch of whipped cream to my kids’ Easy Mac. I am such a good mother.

  63. Lascauxcaveman

    Actual recipe from Granny: “Mendocino Mushrooms” (from Sunset magazine ca. 1968)

    Like mushrooms even a little bit? Then this killer side dish will knock your tastebuds’ socks off:

    - Enough grocery store mushrooms to cover the bottom of a 9×14 pan (cut stems flush so you can get the shroom caps more of less flat in the pan, fill gaps with stem pieces.)

    - Warm slightly and mix in microwave bowl the following: (1) pkg Cream cheese, (1) can Deviled ham (2)Tbs lemon juice (1) tsp garlic powder (1) tsp ground black pepper

    - Smear the goo all over the top of the mushrooms/stems

    - Sprinkle liberally with breadcrumbs

    - Sprinkle liberally with grated parmesan cheese

    - Bake at 350 F for about 40-50 minutes

    (Sensitive folks can adjust garlic powder, lemon juice, pepper to suit taste.)

  64. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=186561]OffTheRecord[/re]: Ooof! That’s rough. The being single thing is no big deal but I thought this was finally the year when I would have somebody to go out with on New Years Eve. Instead it’s back to the whole “get drunk at four o’clock and pass out in a pool of vomit and urine in front of the bathroom with my pants around my ankles and my dick in my hand” routine. I’ve got that shit down cold.

  65. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Last year I made a Turducken from scratch. Sewed that fucker up with friends.

    Yeah, I wasn’t too impressed when I tried it. All the noise really got on my nerves, and the feathers made me sneeze.

  66. Doglessliberal

    [re=186567]Deepthroat[/re]: Northern Va, and that is our Friday menu with hubby’s (grown) kids. Thurs we are doing just a small dinner with the two of us (and cat), and we are doing fish, but you are welcome! I love to cook and feed people.

  67. Deepthroat

    I think i’m the only one here who actually loves brussel sprouts and can’t stomach any alcohol except champagne and heaviy diluted vodka. Don’t worry about me though, I smoke A LOT of the wacky-tobacky.

  68. AfghanVet

    [re=186543]Doglessliberal[/re]: I am flattered by that offer, truly. However, I enjoy my suffering, which ain’t all that bad. Has CPT Kirk said, I need my suffering.

  69. davesnothere

    The president and his three remaining supporters take turns blowing each other, in celebration of the holidays.

  70. Gorillionaire

    [re=186568]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Be sure to put the turkey into the oil VERY SLOWLY. I have seen the pros take as long as five minutes to completely get the turkey all the way into the pot. Otherwise you will just have a giant load of BURNING GREASE flow out like hot volcano lava all over your house, which will indeed burn the place up.

  71. Deepthroat

    Dogless: I will seriously take you up on that offer if i am ever able to move back to Alexandria. That is, if i don’t end up slitting my wrists from all of the rejection and feelings of inadequacy that the job hunt is producing!

  72. WendyK

    This is California. We go out for a nice sushi lunch, go for a hike, and then we pick up our organic/hormone free/free range vegan turkey and sides that we pre-ordered from Whole Foods. Then we assfuck.

  73. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=186609]Gorillionaire[/re]: Sigh…. good to know. Luby’s LuAnn Platter is looking better & better.

  74. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=186609]Gorillionaire[/re]: And make sure that fucker is totally thawed. More than one trailer park have met a grim fate on Thanksgivings past.

  75. Doglessliberal

    [re=186619]Deepthroat[/re]: i’d be happy to throw a Truck Nutz Fest for Wonkette buddies some time.

  76. hobospacejungle

    Go to your local hippie grocery co-op. Buy a Tofurky dinner. Not the box that just has Tofurky in it, but the box with Tofurky, dumplings, gravy and Tofurky jerky wish bone.

    Follow the directions on the box for the basting sauce or whatever it’s called. Disregard the directions for the dumplings. Follow the directions for putting the Tofurkey in a pot with the basting sauce, but also add the dumplings and a bunch of fingerling or other small potatoes, maybe throw in a whole onion as well, minus the outer non-oniony skin. Bake according to directions on the box.

    Also buy some stuffing that isn’t made with chicken stock. Prepare a bunch of that stuff at the last minute. Also bake some bread. I do every night and it’s way better than anything you can buy. And bread goes will with anything.

    There, you have a nice vegetarian feast for two and plenty leftover to eat the rest of the weekend.

    This is also a good way to keep unwanted family members from visiting you, because most people would rather eat a bag of dicks than a tofurky.

  77. SayItWithWookies

    [re=186624]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: And most important — test the amount of oil you have by dunking the turkey once before you heat it up. And remember the oil will expand as it’s heated, so you don’t even need enough oil to cover the turkey completely at room temp. I’ve never done this, but my firefighter colleagues deep-fry a turkey four our Xmas and Thxgiving suppers here.

  78. Kaclon

    I am making this crazy chocolate torte with salted caramel. I nearly killed myself making caramel sauce at 3 AM last night–I don’t recommend boiling sugar while drinking–but the torte looks like it’s going to be really good, if everything works out like I’m planning.

    To balance out the sugar, here’s a salad I’m making, which I pretty much ripped off entirely from a Mario Batali recipe I saw somewhere (I am not Cindy McCain, I credit my sources). It’s a fennel base, which is nice and spicy, and has some good weird Thanksgivingy colors in, which can provide a basis for pleasing alcoholic hallucinations if you’re having that kind of dinner.

    -A couple of big fennel bulbs with the fronds still on
    -a lemon
    -some nice fruity olive oil
    -4 blood oranges, if you can find ‘em (if you can’t, satsumas are an OK substitute, but the blood oranges have a great flavor and are pretty)
    -a cup of pomegranate seeds (if you have a Trader Joe’s nearby, they sell just the seeds in packs, which cuts down on prep considerably)
    -a chunk of parmesan or pecorino, depending on which you like better

    First, you cut the fronds off the fennel and put some aside to toss in with the salad. Then, you take the bulbs and slice them up pretty thin, and then toss them in a bowl with a good big splash of the olive oil and all the juice from the lemon.

    Next, you peel and segment your blood oranges, toss the segments, the pomegranate seeds and the fennel fronds in with the olive-oil’ed fennel. Mix everything up together, and add salt and pepper as you like. Right before you serve it, shave the cheese on top. It’s really tasty.

  79. RabidHamster

    Damn, you people are putting way too much effort into this meal. After I break open the pop-tarts and Maker’s Mark, the kids are on their own tomorrow.

  80. NoWireHangers

    [re=186585]Deepthroat[/re]: Nothing like some fresh greens to go with Thanksgiving dinner. The perfect appetizer for a meal to remember!

  81. OffTheRecord

    Does my wonkette card get revoked if I admit that I am actually kind of excited to see my family? I haven’t seen them in a very long time. Plus, this is my revenge for Thanksgiving 2004 when I had to listen to the five republicans in my family brag about Bush being reelected. At least until my Grandma kicked them out of the house. Actually, now that I think about it that was a pretty good Thanksgiving.

  82. Jukesgrrl

    [re=186436]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: I ate dinner at my boyfriend’s parent’s house once and actually heard the sentence, “Tell your mother to pass me the salt.” The fart in question was an FBI agent who thought the Bureau was never the same after Hoover died.

  83. sanantonerose

    Green Bean Bacon Rollups:

    grab a wad of canned uncut green beans
    roll a length of bacon around the wad
    place bacon wrapped wads in pan
    sprinkle (liberally!) with brown sugar
    bake in over until bacon is done

    It’s like eating green bean bacon candy.

  84. bitchincamaro

    [re=186437]AfghanVet[/re]: I was once accused of “elitism” on these pages for imbibing in the 12 year old. You must be floating above the entire universe, then. Party on, Wayne.

  85. sanantonerose

    Green Rice – for the economy, stupid!

    1 cup of white rice, cooked
    4-5 broccoli crowns, chopped and steamed
    1 small diced onion, sauteed
    1 8 oz block of mild Mexican Velveeta, diced for Bill Richardson
    1 can of Rotel, drained
    1 can of cream of mushroom soup
    1 can of cream of chicken soup

    Put the diced Velveeta between the hot cooked rice and hot steamed broccoli. Put a lid on it and let it melt real good, until it looks like America. Get a boat paddle and stir in all the rest of the white trash ingredients. Slop it all into a large casserole dish and bake in the oven at 375 until brown and bubbly, just like our new President-elect.

  86. nestor

    [re=186507]putinontheritz[/re]: Room temperature water will open up the flavor yes, but cold water/ice dulls the flavor. Or you can just do a bunch of meth, that’s tasty too.

  87. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=186745]OffTheRecord[/re]: Naw, actually wanting to see your relatives is only freaky if you have shitty relatives. I’m sorta looking forward to partying w/my wife’s (Mexican) side of the family this year. One cousin (the host) has new house that we are looking forward to seeing; its prolly a very tasteful McManse, since he is high-powered corp atty for some successful internet company (Ha! Typical lazy wetback, Seattle style!) Another cousin has a new baby we haven’t seen yet, etc etc.

    And they all love football and they all pretty much hated Bush, so all is well.

  88. dougbob

    and here in the colonies (USVI) we’re just praying that we have electricity tomorrow so nobody has to eat raw turkey. the local power company blew up up of their generators yesterday, and the juice has come and gone as they keep finding suckas to put another penny in the fusehole. at least we’ll have good rum to drink!

  89. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=186824]nestor[/re]: Y’know, being an ignorant, happy bourbon-on-the-rocks kinda guy, I always thought that was BS, until I tried it with the Lagavulin my mom got me for my birthday a few weeks ago. And wow! just a tiny bit of branch and … wow!

    (I mean the Scotch, not the meth.)

  90. Lazy Media

    Make your standard pecan pie recipe off the Karo syrup bottle, but add a layer of semi-sweet chocolate chips on the bottom of the pie shell, and throw 1/4 cup of Jack Daniels into the liquid ingredients. Give it @ 5 more minutes of extra baking time, et voila! Human catnip.

    For your turkey, soak it in brine for at least 12 hours before cooking (after it’s thawed). Brine = 1 cup sugar, 1 cup salt, to a gallon of water. Make enough to cover the bird in a large container. Throw in some vinegar and/or herbs if you feel fancy. When ready to cook (allow 25 minutes per pound before serving), rinse and dry the bird with paper towels, rub it with olive oil, and coat with a poultry seasoning rub (sage, rosemary, tarragon, salt, whatever. Poultry seasoning from the store is fine). Figure your cooking time at 20 minutes per pound. Cook it breast side down in a roasting pan for half the cooking time, then flip it over and let it cook the rest of the way. Take it out when a meat thermometer in the thigh (not touching bone) reads 170. Cover in foil and let it rest at least 15 minutes. Carve, and receive the plaudits of an adoring multitude.

    Srsly, this is insanely juicy/tasty turkey if you do it this way. And unlike deep-fried turkey, you won’t burn your house down if it’s not totally thawed.

  91. sargasm

    [re=186934]sargasm[/re]: Hmm. Guess image tags don’t work here. Follow the link though, it’s good!

  92. Tra

    Oooh, I’ve made the probably insane choice to host Christmas for the first time this year, so thanks for the recipes guys. Happy Thanksgiving.

  93. mothermaven

    Stole this from Cathy from Allrecipes…

    INGREDIENTS (Nutrition)

    * 3/4 cup graham cracker crumbs
    * 1/2 cup ground pecans
    * 2 tablespoons white sugar
    * 2 tablespoons brown sugar
    * 1/4 cup butter
    * 3/4 cup white sugar
    * 3/4 cup canned pumpkin
    * 3 egg yolks
    * 1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
    * 1/2 teaspoon ground mace
    * 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
    * 1/4 teaspoon salt
    * 3 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese
    * 3/8 cup white sugar
    * 1 egg
    * 1 egg yolk
    * 2 tablespoons heavy whipping cream
    * 1 tablespoon cornstarch
    * 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
    * 1/2 teaspoon lemon extract

    * add to recipe box Add to Recipe Box
    My folders:
    * add to shopping list Add to Shopping List
    * add a personal note Add a Personal Note

    DIRECTIONS

    1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
    [Drink]
    2. Combine the graham cracker crumbs, ground pecans, 2 tablespoons white sugar, 2 tablespoons brown sugar, and the melted butter or margarine and mix well. [DRINK] Firmly press mixture into one 9 inch springform pan. [DRINK]
    3. Combine 3/4 cup of the white sugar, the pumpkin, 3 egg yolks, ground cinnamon, ground mace, ground ginger and salt in a medium bowl. Mix well, and set aside and make another cocktail.
    4. Beat cream cheese with an electric mixer until light and fluffy; gradually add 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons white sugar and mix well. [STOP AND DRINK] Add the whole egg, remaining egg yolk and the whipping cream, beating well. Add cornstarch and vanilla and lemon flavorings, beat batter until smooth. [DRINK] Add pumpkin mixture and mix well.[DRINK] Pour batter into the prepared pan and make yourself another cocktail.
    5. Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 50 to 55 minutes. Drink and make cocktails while you wait. Do not overbake. Center may be soft but it will firm up when chilled. Let cheesecake cool on a wire rack, then refrigerate.[PASS OUT]

  94. S.Luggo

    [re=186924]Lazy Media[/re]: [re=186705]Kaclon[/re]:
    [re=186419]OhWhyOhio[/re]: [re=186572]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: [re=186539]Doglessliberal[/re]:
    Thanks.
    The American Diabetes Foundation.
    Yummo.

  95. ExecutorElassus

    dangit, I always get in late in the game! Stupid euro timezones.

    Anyway, here’s my holiday recipe that I’m making *right now*.

    1. Purchase a big pile of whatever (on credit, natch).
    2. Cook elaborate feast. Add wine. Drink wine.
    3. Field calls from invitees who “uh, yeah, kinda had something come up…”
    4. Drink the rest of the wine.
    5. Set food out on table.
    6. Download/watch low-grade porn.
    7. Flip through high school yearbook (possibly during 6.)
    8. Try to masturbate. Bonus points for using tacky sex toys. Butt plugs mandatory. Yearbook mandatory.
    9. Fail.
    10. Drink rest of booze in house, while pouring cold, uneaten feast down garbage disposal.
    11. Cry. Repeat 6-9.

    Wait, that’s what I do every weekend. Does it still count as Thanksgiving?

  96. IntergalacticSlut

    Cranberry Sauced

    1. Add equal parts iced tea and cranberry juice in a pitcher.
    2. Throw some sugar in it
    3. Add a prodigious amount of vodka
    4. Pour over ice
    5. Marvel at how you can’t taste the vodka
    6. Get completely obliterated

  97. thatonegirlsays

    My mom sent me to the store to purchase spinach, I came back with $150 worth of liquor and a bottle of Egg Nog.

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