Wonkette
Mysterious Wonkette Texas operative “The Doctor” (RP?) has forwarded us a delightful e-mail (s)he received this morning, probably from a great aunt or uncle, that thoroughly explains how Texas has the resources it needs to secede from the Union, which it should do immediately, “since B. Hussein Obama won the election.” Silly sheeple, only now they get it; the Paultards have been lobbying for this since January or August or whenever it was that Ron Paul stopped running. *FACEPALM*
And just like those glorious Paultard schemes of yore, this one features a number of lines that strongly suggest we’re reading satire. (THE FIRST #2 IS A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THIS.) (#9 TOO.)
But of course, it’s not satire.
———- Forwarded message ———-
From: _____ <_____@hotmail.com>
Date: Tue, Nov 25, 2008 at 6:37 PM
Subject: Here’s what Texas can do !
To:Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede
from the Union . (Reference the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of
1848.)We Texans love y’all, but we’ll probably have to take action since B. Hussein Obama won the election. We’ll miss you too.
Here is what can happen:
#1: Barack Hussein Obama becomes President of the United States ,
Texas immediately secedes from the Union .#2: George W. Bush will become the President of the Republic of Texas .
So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . We will control the space industry.
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States .
3. Defense Industry–we have over 65% of it. The term “Don’t mess
with Texas ,” will take on a whole new meaning.4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will
need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.5. Natural Gas - again we have all we need and it’s too bad about
those Northern States. John Kerry will have to figure out a way to
keep them warm….6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing
computer chips and communications–small companies like Texas
Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor,
Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Miconductor,
Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi , Nortel, Alcatel, etc, etc. The list
goes on and on.7. Medical Care - We have the largest research centers for cancer
research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world,
as well as other large health centers. Dallas has some of the best
hospitals in the United States .8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: University of Texas ,
Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston , Baylor, UNT
( University of North Texas ), Texas Women’s University, etc. Ivy
grows better in the South anyway.9. We have a ready supply of workers. We could just open the border
when we need some more.10. We have essential control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard
and the Texas Air National Guard. We don’t have an Army, but since
everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can
raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really
gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask
them to send over Chuck Norris and a couple of Texas Rangers.12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several
types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let’s not forget seafood
from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so
that they taste good. Don’t need any food.This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of
Texas in good shape. There isn’t a thing out there that we need and
don’t have.Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama:
Since you won’t have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only
President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV.
The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.You won’t have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off
satellite communications.You won’t have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr. Obama
has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you
survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global
Warming.Signed, The People of Texas
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you
something to think about!SLEEP WELL TONIGHT THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU!!
One Nation Under God
Well, as long as they have “essential control” over plastics and insurance, “etc.”, then really there’s no reason to stay in this filthy banana republic.
I think I anticipate the sentiment here by saying Good Fucking Riddance.
Yes, but for the time being pickup trucks are made in the other 49 states. Let’s see Texas make it through a day without pickups.
Please, by all means… And take you’re fucking Shiner Bock with you - it’s shitty. You may also have Cheney, Rice, Rumsfeld and Rove on the condition that they not return.
hey dont forget to take alaska with you!!!!
Damn, I guess this means that they’re moving the Capital to Dallas since Mrs. Dubya is looking for houses up here. I was really hoping for the Bush South-American-Great-Escape Plan to work out.
Does this mean I have to buy a gun?
Don’t let the door mash down on y’all’s ass on the way out, hear?
Oh, please God let it happen. Let us watch George Bush visit his unique brand of horrific incompetence on the people who deserve it most. Schadenfreude like a motherfucker.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha….oh, wait, all these fancy lawyers and law books say that Texas has no more righ to secede than does, say,….Alaska. And Alaska has essential control over the fish and totem pole industries. So there you have it.
We’ll miss you too.
Don’t assume that we’d Texas.
Also Truck Nutz are manufactured in Florida so that might be an issue.
don’t let Arkansas or Oklahoma hit you on the ass when you go out the door…
Texas should have a referendum on whether or not it should secede. If it’s a statewide referendum, it will fail. But if they let everyone in the United States vote on it, it will pass.
This is a way to ban same sex marriage in Texas.
Even dummies are bigger in Tejas.
In all seriousness, it’s all well and good to have all the oil, gas, guns and beef, but I don’t see any mention of fresh water at all. Why? Because Tejas pretty much got none. Hard to do anything without large amounts of fresh water to keep your people alive.
That pipeline that T Boone Pickens wants to build so he can steal fresh water from the Great Lakes? If us Canada City types don’t blow up first, the rest of US America will. So when you guys start dying of thirst (note to fat Tejans, the fatter you are, the quicker you die of dehydration and from what I understand there are a lot of fat Tejans), US America will just wait till the hot sun takes care of you and just walk right in.
Of course if you’re nice and not the stereotypical Tejas braying jackass then we in Canada City can do some bidnez and sell some fresh water to Tejas for say $500K a barrel.
Shit. Do you think they’ll hold the Dixie Chicks hostage?
NoWireHangers: Ugh. Sigh. faouikl fnao;lcka;jk a;.
Don’t assume that we’d miss you, Texas.
Um.. so do they know America bombs the crap out of countries that hold our oil?
Are they taking neocons with them when they depart, because if not I’m pretty sure we’re going to call dibs.
Texas secede?! I’m for it!
Goddammit. I fucking hate this state. I’m willing to amass an army to revolt and secede, and then just kinda duck out whenever they actually become their own country.
The letter was obviously satire, but a lot of these ignorant sheep-fuckers do feel that way.
Living in this shithole of a state has made me actually miss DC.
Texas can re-institutionalize slavery if it beomces its own country.
Texas? You mean they’re still here?
i think this country really needs an enima, cause the shit is pilin’ up in texas since their guy bush took over. stick the tube in between dallas and fort worth.
Let ‘em! Everybody wins.
You cactusfuckers have the oil? Super. We Yanks have the H2O. Good luck with that, and good fucking riddance.
And Texas will revert to its original name: MEXICO
sailingthestyx: but, wait, maybe the suction created by Texas leaving will pull them along…one can hope…better yet, don’t let New Mexico and Colorado hit you on the ass when the three or four of you head out the door; much better…
I say we boycott Texas Toast. We will have to subsist on plain old garlic bread for the sake of preserving the UNION!
The entire nation will have to *walk* or *bike* instead of driving?!?! How outrageous! Oh wait, I do that already.
Yeah, I’m not sure the Texas Air National Guard is going to be much of a match for the actual, official, Mexican army, which would just love to reconquista their asses. Remember the Alamo, when a bunch of deadender Texan losers got totally massacred by the Mexicans? It’ll be like that except a million times more holocausty.
Good riddance, don’t let the Union hit you on the way out.
Can I smuggle my two friends who live in Houston out first? After that, hells bells. Let’s get this secession in session!
choinski: Yep. If the Republic of Texas went to war with Mexico, my money would be on Mexico. Seriously. There might be more Texans with guns, but those failures just don’t have the material support.
Of course, that’s assuming Mexico would actually want it back. Which is a huge assumption. I’d say we should just give it back to Mexico, but I like Mexico.
I grew up in Texas, and I think the person who wrote this is TRUCK NUTZ!
Yeah, pretty much every industry they mention only works by selling stuff out of the state or by getting gobs of taxpayer money from the states that produce wealth (i.e. blue states).
Plus we can turn off their water.
Stranger in the Alps: we can always rename it, as we did the “freedom fry”; lets call it “butthole bread”
They won’t secede when they realize that they need the other 49 states to supply them with chemicals for their favorite passtime, lethal injection.
I used to be bothered by all the capital punishment in Texas until I realized they’re killing other Texans.
Jim, I am getting inpatient – all of these Hopeferences are not giving me the news I need. When will Barry announce his and Farrakhan’s plans for enslaving the whites? Maybe that is why Texas is planning to Secede?
This would reduce bigotry in the US by at least 25%, so giddyup already, Texas.
Bush? Have you seen his job approval ratings? Bush couldn’t beat Richard Simmons in Texas.
Does Texas manufacture truck nutz as well?
Oh, God…my home state is SOOOOO stupid.
My partner works at NASA. It’s all federal government. How ridiculous to think the U.S. government would let that get away.
Can someone take us away to a sane spot? Oh, yeah, that was my retirement money and now it’s gone.
Have I told all of you how much 45% of my state HATES George W. Bush?
OT, WTF, LOL : http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/11/26/wolfson-drudge-siren-gave_n_146651.html
KTHXBAI
Pffff — eight fucking years too late.
“There isn’t a thing out there that we need and don’t have.”
A full set of teeth perhaps?
Secession delusions are pretty consistent. Like Wile E. Coyote, they project current hard ground out over the canyon. Sam Houston was the last sane Texan, and he counseled against, then resigned because of, Texan secession in 1860. He spoke of raw materials and manufacturing. They replied about cotton. The rest is history.
All over Africa, they celebrated an end to colonialism. Yay! They waltzed into the stores and they took them over and they passed goods to friends and a good time was had by all. Then the shelves were bare, and the new storeowners asked, “When are the Dutch coming back to replenish?”
The “forward” is a joke, but the ignorant racism is real. I know. That’s my home state.
Hahahahhahahhahahaaaaaaaaa…
Here is what can happen:
1. Texas secedes.
2. NoBama Hussein commands the US military to surround the entire Texas US border. All flights out of Texas are suspended under threat of being blown to hell by US Airforce. Barry Hussein gets on the phone with Mexico and Mexican troops cut off all access points south.
3. The US messes with Texas.
4. A broken, crippled Texas is readmitted into the Union on the condition that they shut-up forevermore.
Deeeep in the Heeearrrt of oh shit, Texas.
HAHA HA. They have “colleges” in Texas??? Who accredits them?
Does that mean that only Texas will be at war in Iraq and we can bring all our troops home and replace them the the Texas National Guard?
ManchuCandidate: I can attest to their lack of water. OK and TX are currently in a legal pissing match over whether those blowhard retards can have our water. Those four of five dozen of us with a brain would see this a great opportunity to make them pay through their fat asses for our water (the others would probably beg to join them) PLUS makes Texans admit that BBQ is actually better in OK.
Off topic, but the editors didn’t provide a place for the wonkerrati to say Happy Thanksgiving to our legion of snarkers. Let’s all be grateful today because 1) We’re (probably) not trying to fly back from our Thai vacation to spend the holiday with the family. 2) We’re not in Zimbabwe. 3) We’re not in Congo.
I almost added we’re not in Iraq, but some of us might be. Besides, you know, it’s a great place now and the locals are finally ponying up those bouquets we were promised plus, they’re going to name the town square where Bush’s effigy is burning Dubya Avenue. I have Richard Perle’s assurance on that last one.
And most of all, we’re grateful that Hopey was elected. No way to put snark or irony in that one. I truly am grateful.
“There isn’t a thing out there that we need and
don’t have.”
‘cept maybe a brain cell or two.
Eliz17: Well, if NASA becomes TASA, then the Republic of Texas could just pay for it themselves. All they’d have to do would be to start raising taxes. This would cause a Texaswide revolt against President Bush and the installation of President-for-Life Paul, who would slash everyone’s taxes to 0%. Every municipality would be responsible for building its own roads and collecting enough rainwater to drink as the thousand-year tax-free feudal state rises. The UN will not help because the Army of Texas will fire on every blue helmet they see.
Meanwhile, America will build fantastic spaceships in Florida and we will plant our 49-star flag on every planet in the galaxy.
This asshat sounds all smug about all of the stuff they have. Unfortunately, Texans apparently have no brains.
1) We bomb the shit out of your silly capital.
2) 10 minutes later, your Chimp-In-Chief dead, we re-assume the functioning of your government.
3) Barry gets hilarious revenge on you for slavery and what not by instituting an iron-fisted program of control that makes Reconstruction look a party where there are lots of cakes and candies and unicorns.
4) You all die of starvation as we laugh at your idiocy.
Texas reminds me of an 8yr old boy who threatens to run away from home because Mom and Dad wouldn’t buy him any G.I. Joes for getting an A on his science project. Then Mom and Dad cook a hot bowl of macaroni and Texas sits back down at the table.
“You won’t have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off satellite communications.”
Does NASA know about this?
jagorev: I nominate “holocausty” to be added to the dictionary, just like “truthiness.”
DustBowlBlues: I agree Happy Thanksgiving! I also give thanks that I’m not in Texas. I believe you are in Texas, you’ve probably got 60% of the gross “national” IQ.
Yeah, NASA and the defense industry would be really awesome if they didn’t have federal $. Effing clowns.
I think the only question is after George Bush runs the Republic of Texas into the ground, do we let them join back or do we make them grovel to Mexico to help them rebuild the shattered economy, and end the war Bush started with Dallas for oil? We liberals will miss Austin, but we’re willing to trade it to lose the rest of you. Take Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Alabama with you.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
Does anyone else see the stark raving moronitude in this guy ending this email with the phrase “one nation”? Does this steer-queer know what those words mean?
As a temp Austinite, I’ll make sure to support them in their secession effort (I’ll even give them money) and then I’ll take the first flight out to LGA or JFK.
There used to be a time– long, long ago, before Chim-Chim was President–when I was proud to be able to say I’m a fourth generation Texan. **sigh**
Oh for crying out loud, the Bushies are from New England….not Texas. Papa Bush discovered real estate is a lot cheaper in TX than Kennebunkport & oh, the winter’s don’t absolutely suck down here. Plus Baby W got to buy him a nice new toy in the TX Rangers.
That being said, I’m still rooting for AR or OK for dumbest fuckers alive, but folks like this keep putting us back in contention.
DustBowlBlues: I grew up in OK & don’t recall ever even eating BBQ there. Are you sure you’re not confusing fried bologna with BBQ?? Just asking….
dougbob: BUSH IS NOT FROM TEXAS!!! HE’S FROM CONNECTICUT!!! YES HE WAS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS AND RAN A MEDIOCRE BASEBALL TEAM THERE AND LOST MONEY IN THE OIL BUSINESS DURING AN OIL BOOM BUT HE’S FROM CONNECTICUT!!!
and the comment about shiner bock was simply uncalled for! i’m gonna have to whoop some yankee ass once i get back to the dc!!!
It’s like a pro wrestling Loser Leaves Town match. Texas lost, so it have to leave town, the Union. Don’t worry, it’ll be back just in time to ruin the ending of next month’s pay-per-view in a totally predictable way.
Larry McAwful: Yes! All hail Paultardia!
…I’m guessing everyone in Texas missed what happened to the Republic of Georgia?!
<img src=”http://strangemaps.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/card00132_fr.jpg”
All the Texas Air National Guard pilots are in Mississippi working on political campaigns.
choinski: It should be Texaco.
The list from The Doctor doesn’t include Willie Nelson, so it’s bullshit.
Des anyone else find it hilarious that a secessionist manifesto concludes with “One Nation Under God”?
Also, I like that we’re assured that “this is not a threatening letter” but then immediately told that “THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU!!”
texas beer has nothing on wisconsin beer. CAPITAL AMBER FOR LIFE!
As I’ve recently moved all my shit to Austin, could we take the sane part of Texas (up to the Austin City Limits™) and secede from the Republic of Texas? And just be America? And just go back to being insufferable and going on and on about how Austin is and pissing everyone off? Am I asking too much?
Can…can I have some macaroni, too Please?
Hell, I’m for it,I volunteer to man the Alamo. But only if the people of the new Texas Republic promise, nay guarantee in blood, to keep GEORGE W. BUSH, THE ATOMIC COCKSUCKER AND GREAT GRIFTER, in the confines of the limits of the borders of Texas. As well. George must keep his Dick, Cheney within 500 feet of himself at all times. As for Donald Rumsfeld, well I can’t see any reason not to put him down an abandoned oil well with the rest of the toxic waste the republicans hide…kinda like rippin off the well head and shitting down the neck…but I’m for it and want to help Texas leave the Union…one last thing FUCK AIG AND THE LAME AS RETARDS THAT RUN IT….
AngryBlakGuy: As far as they know the state of Georgia is fine
The Texas government controls all of NASA? And they can shut down all satellites instantly? This sounds pretty sketchy.
Eliz17: NASA’s Federal now? I thought we sold it to Cuba way back in the day.
ANYHOOS. Have a happy and prosperous “we fuckin’ owned them injuns” Day everyone. I am heading to the desert to rape Ken Layne if possible. Look up Starlite. If any of you have a vendetta against me, I will be there for 5 days.
HAPPY TRAILS.
They also have all the Texans in the world.
Buhbye!
Faygelah: yes, good times.. remember when ann richards was the king of texas, and we were cool?
i long for the day bush and most of texas will stop embarrassing me! unfortunately, it will never happen.
can we please just build a bubble city around austin /central tx and let the rest of them die of thirst?
sigh, it’s not much consolation, but at least it will be sunny and 78 degress on thanksgiving, so suck it yankies!
i am from texas. i will sabotage them from the inside. give all resources to b. hussein.
Sorry guys, but Bush is from Texas. Doesn’t matter where he was born.
also, being from texas, the secede thing is unfortunately a myth. we were able to secede for a long time but i believe during the late or mid 1800s, when something was sold or bought relating to some guy named travis or davey, anyway, texas quietly lost the right to secede. sorry folks!
I think we need an air bridge like we had in Berlin to fly supplies from the states to the autonomous city of Austin, which will have succeeded from Texas. Texas will construct a wall around Austin to keep its “liberal influence” from infiltrating “God’s chosen land.” Eventually, Texas will fail and the wall will be torn down, allowing all of the deprived Texans to line up in the Austin streets to taste and experience the marvels that occurred over the thirty to forty years that they were living in gun-crazed, backwater isolation.
Yes, Texans are just like East Germans. That is exactly what I’m saying.
Dear President Hussein Obama,
Whatever happened to 40 acres and a mule? Texas and Alaska have plenty of available space.
Larry Fine: No, I think they need to ban heterosexual sex in Texas. Some of those people shouldn’t be breeding.
Obama claims “American Football” and “Cheerleading” to be intellectual properties of the United States, and forbids Texas the rights unless we receive “adequate compensation.”
After much crying and prayer at the golden statue of Mack Brown, they ask for forgiveness and readmission.
whatever_dc: Shiner Bock eats. Stuff it, Cowboy.
Good bye, Texas. I think our economy will be OK since California has a larger Gross State Product than you and New York’s economy is almost as large as your own. Then, of course, there’re a whole bunch of other blue states that are in the top 10 (like Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Illinois, etc.). The US Gov’t will immediately cease contracts with Dell computers, Ross Perot’s software development firms etc. We will buy Mac’s and HP computers instead and all of our software will come from the Northwest. Also, though you have world-class hospitals the truth is your healthcare system is ranked 3rd worst in the nation. Your schools aren’t so hot either and it appears that many of you down there don’t know how to read. Don’t even get me started on your judicial system or your complete inability to control your borders. When you secede from the Union we will string up concertina wire and a DMZ. Our border patrol will be merciless, old Indian women with thick Hindi accents who allow no bullshit (we have them here in New Jersey and they kick ass). Our armed border patrol will be led by Kim Rhode a 2-time Olympic Gold medal shooter from California. Also, we want you to speak English when you visit because we are so diverse up here in the US that we use English as our common language.
And with all the federal money gone, every single “point” on that last becomes invalid.
This is very old copypasta though.
Let ‘em secede, then invade. Can you say, “unincorporated territory?” Say it again, amenhallelujah. All the natural resources, none of the “states’ rights” bullshit.
Naked Bunny with a Whip: see — this is where you are just plain wrong! texans take the “real texan” moniker very very seriously! during the late 70s (i’m aging myself) when all the loser michiganders and other yankees were moving to texas to escape the implosion of the rust belt, there was a big “native texan” campaign. you HAVE to be BORN IN texas to be a TEXAN. period! it doesn’t matter if you were born louisiana and then your ‘rents drove across the bridge to texas and you stayed there for the rest of your life until you died when you 115 years old — you are NOT a texan!!!
george w’s claim that he’s a texan is just another of his BIG FAT LIES!
thank you — you may now return to your regularly scheduled program…
Please, please, please do it, Texas. You won’t even have to use your National Guard (*snort*)- we won’t try to get you back. Best of all, the next time a hurricane comes for your ignorant redneck asses, we won’t even have to sneeze in your direction. And with W. as Dictator for Life, I’m sure your economy will be in great shakes! Buh-bye!
It will be funny when ya’lls nuculer weapons turn out to be a little less effective than our nuclear ones.
I believe Travis County was the sole Texas county voting against secession back in 1861. Austin’s always been cool like that. Maybe it can become its own city-state, like Singapore or the Vatican.
Don’t let the screen door hit’cha in the ass, cowboy.
My brother had a short layover during a flight to and from California that landed him in the Dallas-Fort Worth airport for about an hour and a half. He couldn’t believe grown men were actually walking around wearing cowboy hats.
freakishlystrong: No Texan I hate Texas. I’m in Okrafuckinghoma, recently object of much wonketterati scorn. But I will take credit for the %60 of the IQ here, as well.
Oh god oh god oh god get me out of this awful backward retard state for christ’s sakes, I did not do anything to deserve this!!!
Roll Fish: Yea, really! Who do they think they are, naesa? They think they own space?
So now Texas-hating can be the new Coulter-whacking. I’m tired of it already.
Just remember: Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio, El Paso, the Valley and parts of West Texas all went blue this year. And Kev-O-Tron: LAY OFF OUR FUCKING SHINER BOCK.
Fresh water? Drill, baby, drill! Good luck.
NASA may be parked south of Houston but where oh where do those checks that keep the lights turned on in space come from again? Oh, shit, that’s right: Washington D.C. Well, I’m sure Texonia can repurpose NASA Houston into condos or something.
What DeLand DeLakes said. We will offer a bonus if you be out by the end of the month, promise never to return and shut the fuck up about Texas. For starters, no Texas teams henceforth will be rated in the BCS standings and the Cowboys are out of the NFL. Something is seriously wrong with those people.
whatever_dc: Well then, speaking as a REAL Texan, born amidst the dust and scorpions of Bell County deeeeeeeep in the heart of Texas, I say fuck Texas.
PATRIOTS!
The question is, can the rest of the Union secede from Texas?
I favor Texas secession; after all, nothing bad happened the last time a state tried to leave the Uni….WHY IS HOUSTON ON FIRE WTF ALL OUR REFINERIES HAVE BEEN BOMBED OH SHI-
Josh Fruhlinger: [i]Also, I like that we’re assured that “this is not a threatening letter” but then immediately told that “THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU!!”[/i]
That’s not threatening, baby. That’s the eyes of Texas leering at you, hoping for a chance to grab your throbbing military industrial complex and move it deep inside them.
whatever_dc: Absolutely agree with you. Naked Bunny doesn’t know how serious Texans take being a ‘true’ Texan.
Bye bye Texas! It sucked knowing you!!
Probably be taken over by the Mexicans and become another Texaco.
¡Hola, Tejanos! ¡Bienvenidos a los Estados Unidos de México! Nosotros también recordamos el Alamo. Los que no hablan español pueden ayudar con la cosecha de maís hasta que lo aprenden.
shortsshortsshorts: Wait, is that what we’re doing? Because yes.
TEXAS is stupid. I really can’t find something new to say about this, other than, Merciful Christ, why am I at work?
I’m from Texas and I don’t want to secede, no matter how much you fuckers hate us. Though I’m guessing you hate the parts of Texas I don’t live in — everywhere but Austn, or more precisely, everywhere but Travis County. We are surrounded by wingnut counties on all sides who probably believe they can secede. They cannot. It ain’t in our state constitution nor in any treaty provision between Texas & US America. These wingnut counties are chock full of dysfunctional yet superficially pious families like the Palins. They want to enforce their morality on the rest of us but they have just as many abortions & drug addicts in their families as the rest of us. And NASA does not have dominion over communication satellites. And probably more than half of Texas oil wells are not producing because it’s cheaper to import oil. And yes we are polluting our groundwater at prodigious rates. Texas politics is pro-business, anti-people. We have a few good whiteys here and lots of nice brown folks. I hope Hopey opens the borders permanently because that will make a permanent Democratic majority happen sooner. And scare the crap out of hateful nut-tards. And make for better food all ’round. And yes we’ll have nice weather on dead injun day but don’t forget the eight months of summer we have. At least I am free to eat my tofurky dinner with tofurky jerky here without being called a communist.
I grew up in Texas, and I remember hearing lots of secession talk during the 1970s oil crisis. “Those dirty Yankees are stealing OUR oil! Let’s secede!” It was the redneck version of “Atlas Shrugged.”
This isn’t going away anytime soon; the only constant in Texas, besides heat and cockroaches, is their overwhelming superiority complex.
Please take Florida with you.
The real reason I hate Texans is related to a story from my childhood. My father’s sister married a Texan and moved away to Dallas/Fort Worth. Once during a visit one of her children had a gall to call me a hillbilly ( I’m originally from north western Pennsylvanian) So naturally I punched him in his stupid-ass cracker Texas face. I never saw them again and we all lived happily ever after. The End.
Oh yeah? Minnesota has Hormel. What are you going to do without your canned meat products like Spam? Huh Texas? Huh?
Even supposing the Texas National Guard and the Dallas Cowboys or whatever stormed the Space Center in Houston and seized it for the People’s Glorious Democratic Lone Star Republic, wouldn’t that leave them with a space program with no actual, whadyacallem, space ships? Aren’t all the rockets and stuff in Orlando?
No, Texas, we secede from you!
Thanks for all the fish.
Why don’t we just subdivide it and sell it for $1.5 trillion?
bhosp: Good point. I don’t believe NASA launches anything outside of Florida. Oh yeah, and fuck the Dallas Cowboys and their retard couch Wade Phillips.
Texas is already a third-world hellhole, so might as well make it official.
Shouldn’t #2 say, GWB will be anointed perpetual King of Texas, with all ancestry following in the Divine Right of Kings? All hail Co-Queens Jenna and Babs!
I wish someone would Ball MyConductor.
“George W. Bush will become the President of the Republic of Texas.” Is Texas starting a new trend, i.e., putting a curse upon its own house?
Austin is the new West Berlin.
Didn’t you hear, Monsieur Grumpe’? It’s hard times for Hormel in Austin, MN- apparently they are having a hard time affording the products that go into their food. And when companies have a hard time scraping together enough cash to buy lips and assholes, you KNOW we’re in trouble.
But we wouldn’t need Texas to buy Spam anyway. Communist Hawaiians are crazy about that shit. I bet Barry eats Spam eggs Benedict every morning.
magic titty: Yes, please let the small but worthy contingent of us trapped down here in Houston (Montrose) out first! I love how this letter says “we have NASA and the hospitals and the universities” as if most of those places aren’t staffed by people from all over the world. Jeebus. I grew up here and have recently moved back, but it’s really hard sometimes to handle being surrounded by so much idiocy. Luckily, not everyone in Texas is like this, only the most vocal - and our gay, artsy, bicycle-friendly neighborhood seceded from the rest of Texas a long time ago.
I’m glad his term is over cause I’m tired of paraphrasing Jon Stewart and having to tell outsiders that Bush is from that quaint, west-Texas town called New Haven, Connecticut.
He’s not Texan. He’s the guy at the bar with brand new boots and a spotless unshaped hat. We can spot the fakers a mile away.
I am a lifelong Texan and while proud, I dont support sucession. Who would want to be surrounded on 3 of 4 sides by nasty, dumb, hateful Americans?
*Shudder*
the confederate states also had the legal right to secede. Lincoln seriously screwed up.
DeLand DeLakes: Does this mean we’re going to have to bail out the Spam industry too?
I love how the author thinks they get to keep all the federal government institutions just because they happen to be located in Texas. Not to mention the idea that funding even the ones they could keep, like private colleges, would be possible without federal tax dollars from the other 49 states (particularly the dreaded liberal-but-wealthy “Northern States”, heated only by the warmth of John Kerry’s socialist French loins).
If Mexicans keep voting Democrat like they did this time, Texas could be blue in 2016. Check out the Demographics.
gurukalehuru:
1. No Constitutional right to secede. http://thegooddemocrat.wordpress.com/2007/05/22/there-is-no-right-of-secession-guaranteed-by-the-constitution/
2. The “Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848 [actually, 1844]” was rejected by the US Senate and never ratified. Tough titties, Pecos Bill.
Texas treaty undoubtedly annulled by secession/reconstruction. I knew something good had to come out of all that.
You mean I won’t be blessed with the presence of Phil Gramm, John Cornyn, Tom Delay, Rick Perry, Jeb Hensarling, Dick Armey, or all those jackasses who act like a state filled with gun-toting inbred hicks who want to legalize hunting of homosexuals during May and June for sport is the real America?–curses NOOOOOOO.
Take Oklahoma with you. And Kansas. The end.
Ever hear about the Texan who had an enema before he died? They buried him in a shoebox..
bhosp: In the new Republic of Texas, the NASA Johnson Space Center will be repurposed into a world-class, state of the art sports bar. Wall-sized screens that formerly displayed tracking data will now show EVERY football game played anywhere on the planet in 1080p HD simultaneously. Mountains of fried snacks will be delivered by roller-skating waitresses in Mylar bikinis directly to your recliner, which will be stuffed with hair harvested from labor camp internees (Democrats and other terrorists).
This multi-billion dollar project will be enthusiastically supported by Texans, and will be the marvel of the world for about three weeks, after which the operating costs will bankrupt the country, and everyone will be reduced to eating grits topped with crude oil. The End.
Hooray For Anything: Come up with a good acronym for the Lips and Assholes Stimulus package, and I’ll lobby for that bitch myself. And I wouldn’t eat Spam if the alternative were surviving on my own recycled bodily fluids.
Austin will have to be a city state, like Rome, or its own little country, like Lesotho in the middle of South Africa. We’ll gladly accept Austin.
Meh. I lived in Austin and Dallas for around 5 years each and didn’t see much difference. They’re both overcommercialized, ridiculously proud of their meager charms, and packed way too full of gigantic vehicles. They both have hipsters and gay people, but nothing like you see on the West Coast. Austin ain’t no West Berlin. It’s just another Texas city, albeit probably more pleasant than the others. Austin also has virtually no black people compared to the rest of the state and they don’t even have a decent museum or symphony. I was glad to leave, but I guess not as glad as I am to be leaving Dallas after 5+ years. Texas bites, but I wouldn’t quite characterize it as a shithole.
The forward was parody.
Steers, beers and queers.
DeLand DeLakes: The Spam, Spam, Bailout and Eggs Act?
Hooray For Anything: You got it; I’m headed for Washington with a brigade of Viking-horned young troubadours right now. I think that should prove sufficiently persuasive to the Repubs.
If the US pulls out of Texas, the Kaiser’s long-awaited plans will finally bear fruit! Alas to late for the German version of the New Braunfels Herald-Zeitung.
Borat: Two of those, Baylor and UT, are actually good institutions (and I happen to go to Baylor, so STFU, you annoying twunt).
Is this idiot even aware that Barack Obama won in both Dallas and Houston on Election Day?
And let’s cease and desist this ignorant perception that the Bush family is actually from Texas; everybody knows they are Yankee carpetbaggers who couldn’t even get that right.
People from Texas don’t cheat their way into Yale. They go to UT or A&M.
Jesus Chris on a longhorn. Not these secessionist idiots again!
Western Texas smells like horse shit.
Two words, fellow Texans:
Federal funding.
Airborne Toxic Event: Ummmm…been there, lived through that. As Molly Ivins said, we were the original laboratory for bad government.
Hahaha it’s funny because we would invade them and burn all their cities to the ground.
I think it’s somebody who isn’t funny trying to write something that is “funny” but “with a point,” and failing both at being funny and making a point.
Dead Armadillo: I will drink to Kev-o-Tron with a whole case of the stuff when I spend all day tomorrow with my conservative (moved in from Louisiana) in-laws.
I never leave the Austin city limits unless I’m flying to Amsterdamn or some other Euro-socialist country. So I have no idea what the fuck is happening in Dallas, Houston, or Ft. Buttfuck. The mescans are taking over anyways. We’ll take Houston and Dallas like the Alamo. There will be nothing but floating SUV’s, trucknutz, and pickups in a sea of gringo blood.
Dead Armadillo: I’ll lay off when you send me $6.50 to cover the cost of the six pack I bought after hearing endless praise about the shit.
sanantonerose: And I shall salute you as well sanantonerose. With a pint of Northwest lager.
Ummm…did they miss that whole unpleasantness from 1861-1865? You know…the whole frickin’ Civil War.
MrsNateSilver: My son intended joining the Peace Corps when he was fresh out of UCs Berkeley and Santa Cruz, an economist and engineer. He thought he could do some good bringing fresh water to Cocoatlàn, but, no, they had him scheduled to teach English in Lesothos. So we looked it up. The shooting hadn’t even stopped yet, if ever.
Mel_David: If only we had let Sherman finish the good work. The beating they took after attacking the U.S. was obviously not severe enough to deter future misbehavior.
If Texas tries to get out we will kick their pasty white asses, just like last time.
Texas has lost every war it ever fought, and joined the union because it was afraid of the mexicans.
For all this Texas bashing you would think in Austin I could swing a dead junkie without hitting some L.A. or Brooklyn hipster transplant.
President Bush ain’t from Texas, what he was the gubner of onct? He wears them cowboy boots with stars on ‘em and queery big belt buckles and even got hisself a ranch over to Midland. You mean he’s been alyin’ to us? President Bush wudn’t lie. He’s a good boy, but the librul medias won’t tell you all the good things he done, like kickin’ them Irakis for attackin’ America.
ManchuCandidate: Screw T Boone Pickens. Every State surrounding the Great Lakes and Canada know that only a fraction of a percent of the volume of the Great Lakes is renewable. There’s no way they are going to let you Texans start sucking their lakes dry.
You want fresh water - go desalinate the Gulf, cowboys.
As self-appointed Representative of Canada (specifically British Columbia), I would like to extend a blanket amnesty and invitation to Austin and its residents. Y’all are welcome up here.
As a native Texan you see this come up again and again, usually it’s a group from Missouri bent on starting a compound to smuggle drugs, or create their own money. The last big group holed up near the McDonald Observatory in the west Texas desert. They were going for another Waco, taking hostages and threatening everyone in the small town. Why the Border Patrol is not on the Oklahoma border instead of the Mexican border is always a source of amazement to true Texans.
i think this ‘doctor’ is doctor who.
We in the Peoples Republic of New Mexico love to “mess with Texas” any chance we get - mostly because they talk funny down there, and can’t drive on snow for shit.
Here is a better idea to dispose of Texas - give it back to Mexico!
You can sign the petition here:
http://www.petitiononline.com/Texas666/petition.html
The first thing that goes through my mind, is that as a fellow Texan, I should work harder to make sure my people are edumacated. It makes me so sad to see that even though we have some great universities in Texas, we have so many willfully ignorant fucktards. Now admittedly, I didn’t go to any of those universities, so I can’t make any bold claims here, except for the fact that I like to look at all the facts and think for myself. You know, come to my own conclusion, independent of others’. And I have an answer to every fact that you have presented, dear OP, so take a look:
Fact 1: Texas immediately secedes from the Union.
Well, lets take a look at that. If we were to become our own sovereign nation, our closest neighbors would be America and Mexico. On the one hand, we have the parent nation who we have snubbed. Like what happens when a young Texas girl gets pregnant and full of herself and leaves home, Our parent nation will call us a whore, will make sure that all the other nations know what terrible little bastards we were, and will generally make us look like the red-headed step child we’re trying desperately to emulate. Sure all the other misbehaving nations will want to be our friends (Iraq, Afghanistan, pick your poison here), but would that really be in our best interest? On the other hand, our closest foreign neighbor would be Mexico, the rogue little boy next door, who it will appar we have run away with, only to be
The original Maverick was a guy who, while not blowin’ up a canyon, was a Texas secessionist.
Hmmm… isn’t that treason? and since we are at war, it is punishable by death. Let them think they are leaving the union, then hit all that support such actions with treason! Hold secret trials on Galveston Island and sentence them to die. Being Texans, I say we use the firing squad.
It would clear out the rednecks and turn Texas BLUE
on the other hand, texas is the home of texas instruments, so y’all can kiss goodbye to your speak-and-spells.
ManchuCandidate Quote:
Even dummies are bigger in Tejas.
In all seriousness, it’s all well and good to have all the oil, gas, guns and beef, but I don’t see any mention of fresh water at all. Why? Because Tejas pretty much got none. Hard to do anything without large amounts of fresh water to keep your people alive.
That pipeline that T Boone Pickens wants to build so he can steal fresh water from the Great Lakes? If us Canada City types don’t blow up first, the rest of US America will. So when you guys start dying of thirst (note to fat Tejans, the fatter you are, the quicker you die of dehydration and from what I understand there are a lot of fat Tejans), US America will just wait till the hot sun takes care of you and just walk right in.
Of course if you’re nice and not the stereotypical Tejas braying jackass then we in Canada City can do some bidnez and sell some fresh water to Tejas for say $500K a barrel.
Really? Hey pal, maybe you should do some research. Boon was shut down on the great lakes pipeline, as well as the California deal. So what’s he gonna do with all the water rights he bought? Well he could build a nuclear power plant. Now why the hell would he want to do that? Well if the wind dies that will power all the wind generator’s that he’s gonna use to power southern Texas then he will need some way to ship down electricity and he will use the water for that plant, not saying I agree but that’s probably what will happen. As far as water goes, have ya heard of the Ogallala? Well it’s an underground aquifer that still has plenty of water, especially with the plan the Texas water board is implementing. Now your probably gonna go and rant about how that ain’t enough, well with all that energy we’re pumping out why don’t we make salt water refineries? Hell that’ll work! Trust me, if this does ever happen, we will be better off. People wonder why Texans want to secede? Hell just read all these damn comments. God Bless Texas.
Texas may need the rest of the U.S. for a variety of reasons–however, water is NOT one of those reasons. In Minnesota, “land of 10,000 lakes”, water covers some 4,783 square miles. In Texas, water covers over 5056 square miles. Obviously this will come as a surprise to many misinformed people who visualize Texas as nothing but dust and tumbleweeds. As a matter of fact, California is one state trying to BUY water from Texas.
So let’s come up with some other way to diss on Texas other than hoping her citizens die of thirst for lack of water, shall we? Because they don’t need water from anyone. They have plenty.
Good god but I hope they go through with this. As a New Mexican, I’ve been looking forward to nuking those Texas bastards forever. They might have 65% of the defense industry, but NM has like 80% of the nations atomic weaponry!
choinski: I know I’m months and months late, but … *WIN*!
Ya’ll obviously like to pretend that you have political knowledge and mounds of Texas education but
really that is not the case! First of all we are not Tejans that was a name given to Mexicans who moved to Texas. We are Texans and proud of it (with the exception of the DC and other strange people who don’t support their own state). And as for the Texas/Mexico war for Independence, that
already occurred and i’m not sure if you know this but Texas won that war! And we were a Republic for TEN years! Ya’ll are obviously JEALOUS because you live in Yonkers!
Oh and the water issue! Do you really think that we have a majic pipeline that runs from Texas to the North to supply us with fresh water! Please, that is just as ridiculous as Mexico regaining control over Texas! The reason ya’ll are so confused is because the air is so much thinner up there and with the overcrowding that you live in it is no wonder you don’t die from not having enough fresh air! And just like lack of water you can die from that! Only FASTER! We give more land to our cows than you do your citizens!
Before you start commenting on issues you know VERY little about please do a little research! You have a computer so use it go to the HANDBOOKOFTEXAS.ORG and look it up! Does your state have a handbook? Nope sorry about that!
Good Lcuk to the North and GOD BLESS THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS!!!!!!!!!!!!
To all you morons who said” Good Fucking Riddance”, well to hell with you. by the way if we want to hold the oil hostage then we will fuck you. To thoes who say we can’t handle ourselves in a fight with the U.S. army, I would like to remind you all that we each have at least 5 guns and learn to shot by age 10.
P.S. To all the texans who are saying shit about the state on this website get the fuck out of my state you yankie sons of bitches.
We dont need premission to leave the union, we are teaxns and can do what ever the fuck we want.