FUNDAMENTAL QUESTIONS  4:45 pm November 25, 2008

Who Is The Real President Of America Right Now?

by Jim Newell

Your country, the United States, comes closer and closer to the brink of complete economic and militaristic (but mostly economic these days!) ruination with every passing second. Oh, don’t blame yourself, dear reader. Blame the government — yeah, you know the one! Because, due to a confluence of distant inaugurations, inept lame ducks and quietly ambitious second-tier Washington officials, we’ve got one foot in the Great New Depression II with the other about to step in… and yet we have no idea who is actually running the country! By our count, we have three (3) presidents right now, and they’re all just going around doing their own things while your money is literally dying. So which president, pray tell, is the REAL president right now?

Current President #1: Hank “Henry” Paulson

Job(s): Treasury Secretary; Friend to Animals & Trees.

Current activities: Freaking out about friends’ banks losing money and giving them $100 trillion “loans,” every hour; apologizing every hour for previous hour’s $100 trillion loan that turned out to be a terrible waste.

Goons: Ben “Tha Money Printa” Bernanke, Neel “Chump” Kashkari.

Why he may be the Real President: Since Hank Paulson is the only member of the current presidential administration still doing work — the rest are out golfing or watching porn in their offices or something, just watching the clock — then that kind of makes him the Real President by default, yes? Also: he can give as much money as possible to anyone he wants, especially if they’ve worked with him before at Goldman Sachs.

Why he may not be the Real President: Primarily because he has never been elected President of the United States. Also, he only has a couple more months before Secret Service steals his office key, while he’s sleeping. So really he’s just some dude throwing money at greedy morons for a few months, then who gives a shit.


Current President #2: George Bush Jr. II

Job(s): Ha ha, get this: “President of the United States.”

Current activities: Masturbatin’ like a weasel; writin’ pardons for bird-killers; scorin’ with chicks; learnin’ the alphabet.

Goons: Whichever loser daughter is still unmarried; his pet cricket, Voodoo; Dick fuckin’ Cheney.

Why he may be the Real President: Powers vested in ‘im by the Constitushy and… thatsa ’bout it, ‘spose.

Why he may not be the Real President: He never was! It was just Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld or someone. And now he doesn’t even have to pretend. The gittin’ goin’ time’s nigh two months now! Hank’s doing his Hankamajigs or whatever with the munnies, what else is there? Just ride ‘er out, gitchee one them memoir book deal likenesses, but finish learnin’ the alphabet before commencin’ with the pen & paperin’.


Current President #3: Barack Hussein Obama Jr.

Job(s): President-elect of America; Executive VP (Marketing): Marxist Terrorism Fraud… Inc.

Current activities: Coming up with plans to fix, you know, fucking EVERYTHING; stocking up on lube.

Goons: Osama; TBD dog; 66,882,230 American hippies with suffrage.

Why he may be the Real President: Because he will definitely be the Real President in January, unless wacky Hillary starts pulling her old tricks again. He has long-term plans for his government, and people only really care what he has to say now, as opposed to the other two. Also, he has magic powers such as laser eyes and the ability to fly. George Bush and Hank Paulson can barely WALK, no?

Why he may not be the Real President: Because he has no governing powerz, sucka! He literally cannot do anything about the current national death situation and has to sit and watch insane Hank Paulson try to locate a matching pair of socks, economically-speaking. And… you know… ahem… there’s a lot of melanin goin’ on with this guy… American Presidents don’t usually have all that… melanin. What?


Oh this was all a dumb joke. Obviously the Real President is Trig. We’re in good hands.

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Mr Blifil November 25, 2008 at 4:46 pm

Fuck. Al Gore loses again.

The Pumpernickel November 25, 2008 at 4:49 pm

I know who’s running this country. And it ain’t Obama and it ain’t bush.

Here’s a hint. It starts with an “E” and ends with “conomy.”

The Real JR Revisted November 25, 2008 at 4:51 pm

Another thing Obama’s meddling around with to fix is the Education Department. By next week he’ll be giving another speech letting us know that all of our children will be learning to speak Unicorn.

choinski November 25, 2008 at 4:53 pm

When did Chaney stop shadow-emperorin’ ?

forgracie November 25, 2008 at 4:54 pm

Is it just me or do you guys get the impression that W would knock off two months early given half a chance? Maybe Barry should suggest this in passing….

Borat November 25, 2008 at 4:57 pm

Wasn’t one of those rules of our new Robot Overlords is that they cannot do any harm to humans? And, they can’t stand idlely by when a human is attacked.

That’s not sounding like too bad an idea. Bless you secret guberment army lab! Bless you!

WhatTheHeck November 25, 2008 at 4:57 pm

There was a time when being the President of the U.S.A. was a big deal.


TGY November 25, 2008 at 4:59 pm

Today, we are all one of 66,882,230 hippies. With suffrage.

Suffragin’ succotash!

Them November 25, 2008 at 4:59 pm

The panic’s palpable at Wonkette and it’s right here in this post. It’s going to be a lot harder to be funny about an Administration that’ll speak in nuanced inflections and at least consider doing the right thing before blundering than it has been typing out “W. shat hisself in his knickers again” for the past few years.

What were Americans thinking when they entered their voting booths? Certainly not of the good will of Wonkette and “The Daily Show,” that’s for sure.

Electric Zen November 25, 2008 at 4:59 pm

Mr. Wonkette, this is Hank Paulson.

The information you posted about me was not factually correct. You will retract this information, and I will establish some rules that are amenable to both of us.

Please give me a call.

Thegreatbacon November 25, 2008 at 5:01 pm

Nothing has made it more starkly apparent just how inept the Bush administration has been than the way Barack has masterfully run his transition. Bush must feel like the biggest ass right now. Good.

ph7 November 25, 2008 at 5:01 pm

The Jews?

j6n November 25, 2008 at 5:02 pm

The snark level of this post is off the charts. Leave a little something for the rest us, would you?

AngryBlakGuy November 25, 2008 at 5:03 pm

…just call the White House at 3 a.m. and whomever picks up is the president!

GlennBecksTaint November 25, 2008 at 5:04 pm

Rupert Murdoch is running the country. Carry on.

2druk2phluq November 25, 2008 at 5:04 pm

Isn’t shortsshortsshorts president? I wrote that in. It made more sense than voting for Nader. That One was just too popular to lose to el muy shortso.

Dumbest post ever.

problemwithcaring November 25, 2008 at 5:05 pm

Goons: Ben “Tha Money Printa” Bernanke

That’s Helicopter Ben to his friends and loved-ones.

magic titty November 25, 2008 at 5:06 pm

I think DEVO should be preznit.

“When a problem comes along, you must whip it!”
Economies solved!

tonashideska November 25, 2008 at 5:06 pm

I thought Dick Cheney was president.

TGY November 25, 2008 at 5:06 pm

[re=186013]2druk2phluq[/re]: Why, does shortsx3 have his *own* recipe for methane-producing hummus?

Doglessliberal November 25, 2008 at 5:08 pm

[re=185999]forgracie[/re]: hell, he already has!

SlouchingTowardsWasilla November 25, 2008 at 5:11 pm

Can money literally die?

owl November 25, 2008 at 5:11 pm

If he works at it, Bush might just be able to bring his total working hours up to Coolidge’s level.

problemwithcaring November 25, 2008 at 5:11 pm

[re=186011]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Laura’s illegal immigrant maid from Texas? ‘Cause I wrote her in…

Diremutt November 25, 2008 at 5:12 pm

By not metioning the Illuminati you have envoked their wrath.

snideinplainsight November 25, 2008 at 5:14 pm

Won’t somebody think of the Lizard People?

Ashy Larry November 25, 2008 at 5:15 pm

I thought Lizard People were running this joint.

Neon Trotsky November 25, 2008 at 5:18 pm

I thought everything was being run by The International Vampire Bankers’ Conspiracy, hence the liquidity crisis in our nation’s blood banks…

Dave J. November 25, 2008 at 5:21 pm

[re=186004]Them[/re]: Why so pessimistic? The more competent the Obama administration is, the more freaked out the GOP will become. And, the more freaked out the GOP gets, the more hilarious are their antics. (Cf. John McCain picks Sarah Palin, etc.) The next four years are going to be the very picture of competent boredom at the White House, and the very picture of hilarious anxiety among the chumps angling to get thrashed by Barry in 2012.

Lascauxcaveman November 25, 2008 at 5:23 pm

[re=186004]Them[/re]: Don’t blame me, I wrote in TruckNuts!

Johnny Zhivago November 25, 2008 at 5:23 pm

These losers may be president, but Sarah Palin will ALWAYS be our Queen!

Johnny Zhivago November 25, 2008 at 5:27 pm

From this day forward,
we will proudly pledge:
A chicken in every pot!
A pair of TruckNutz in every Garage!

S.Luggo November 25, 2008 at 5:32 pm

It don’t matter who’s president now. In 6 months the country will be run by beggars and raggedy hobos.

MegsOfMegs November 25, 2008 at 5:32 pm

I answer only to the King of the Hobos right now.

HomoPolitico November 25, 2008 at 5:37 pm

Ha. Shows what you know. Rahm Emmanuel is our current president.

sevenrepeat November 25, 2008 at 5:37 pm

This whole time I thought Tom from myspace was our President. Time to rearrange my “top friends” list again…….

friendlyskies November 25, 2008 at 5:37 pm

I always thought the real POTUS was the Dark Lord John Negroponte, whose bloodthirsty, paranoid dream of creating an omnipotent, omniscient surveillance state with himself installed as Big Brother was utterly destroyed when the Facebook/Myspace folks discovered Americans would post all their secrets voluntarily, free of charge, with no need for spy satellites or mind-control drugs. Depressed and deprived of his purpose in life, as well as the blood of innocent Honduran children that had long sustained him, Negroponte became listless, bored, uninterested in affairs of state…at first his friends tried to keep him amused as assistant secretary of state, but eventually, without even starting a single war, the old neocon vampire fell inextricably into a deep reality-television-and-cheetos coma, only rousing himself periodically to surf the celebrity comment blogs. Without a leader deeply committed to the vision of a goose-stepping, fear-driven, hypermilitarized USA surrounded by barbed-wire borders all under the complete control of a huge centralized government with cameras and informants everywhere, the Bush Administration began to, well, relax. Clear some brush. Dance with foreigners. And that’s when everything fell apart. Dark Lord Negroponte, where are you?

Jim Newell November 25, 2008 at 5:40 pm

[re=186004]Them[/re]: I like how your tone implies that we *want* a terrible, idiotic goof to run the country so it will be easier to be “funny” on our blog. Well, (a) it is never easy to be funny (b) we do live in this country, too, and have much greater concerns than eking out a few extra post opportunities every day.

Politics is insane, and anyone who’s ever gone around shouting that irony is dead always ends up a fool, an embarrassment to one’s self and society.

(also, yr banned)

Barrett808 November 25, 2008 at 5:47 pm

[re=186016]magic titty[/re]: When I saw DEVO last year, Mark said, “It’s pretty clear that de-evolution is real — you don’t have to look much further than the White House.”

Then I spazzed out to “Uncontrollable Urge.”

jagorev November 25, 2008 at 5:48 pm

This was fantastic. I’m only disappointed that you did not include Sarah Palin (the President of “real America”) and Ron Paul (the President of Galt’s Gulch)

checkonechecktwo November 25, 2008 at 5:53 pm

Milo Ventimiglia is my President. Damn that boy is cute.

shortsshortsshorts November 25, 2008 at 5:57 pm

[re=186013]2druk2phluq[/re]: Thanks for the write-in. At least SOMEBODY on this planet appreciates an insane, usually drunk, hit-or-miss Wonkette commenter.

shortsshortsshorts November 25, 2008 at 5:59 pm

[re=186047]Jim Newell[/re]: As long as there is a Washington, there will be funny. And when there is no more Washington, there will always be a Charlie Christ. Always.

wickedlittledoll November 25, 2008 at 6:01 pm

Our current president, and I couldn’t be prouder:

bago November 25, 2008 at 6:24 pm

[re=186020]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: Why do you think they’re called Dead Presidents?

Hooray For Anything November 25, 2008 at 6:39 pm

Who’s the real President? Jesus!

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2008 at 6:54 pm

Bush can’t be president — he used up all his vacation time somewhere around the end of 2003 and technically owes America two solid years of service including weekends, although we’ll give him a pass on that.
Cheney can’t be president because he’s obviously a member of the legislative branch, except when he’s performing his Constitutionally-mandated function of kidnapping virgins.
Obama just has to wait around, but he’ll be signing about six different bills during his inaugural address, and so at least will hit the ground running.
Everyone else in the government is spending their time doing what the Iraqis did for about a solid month after the liberation of Baghdad. You see all those cars leaving DC every evening with sofas, office furniture and computers strapped to the roof or bulging out the windows? Well, just some advice to the incoming administration — bring your own pens.

NoWireHangers November 25, 2008 at 7:00 pm

[re=186047]Jim Newell[/re]: While you’re at it, start banning all the assholes who keep plugging their shitty blogs in the comments.

You know who you are. Cease and Desist or we will sick Shorts on you. Shorts don’t play around!!1!

On the Border November 25, 2008 at 7:07 pm

This man is my president.

And he’s already abroad, prob’ly workin’ to get some Asian smarts for our Kar Kompanies.

Internally valid November 25, 2008 at 7:20 pm

[re=186047]Jim Newell[/re]: Hahaha! Banned, motherfucker! Just because George Bush was a no talent ass clown who invoked laughs by simply trying to say words, doesn’t mean comedy doesn’t exist anymore. There are just a few low-hanging apples off the tree.

dougbob November 25, 2008 at 7:23 pm

and why hasn’t wonkette launched a major investigation into pisco sourgate. bush is drinkin’ agin and there’s only laura keepin’ his finger off that nucklar trigger. and don’t buy any of this crap about bushie dring a “virgin” pisco sour. that’s like drinking a virgin martini!

p-Sludge ofTheElves November 25, 2008 at 7:29 pm

Who is the REAL president?
Ann Coulter has a man’s hands, but which man?
Could these questions be connected?
I submit that Ann Coulter may have the REAL president’s hands.

The people who offed Ken Lay have wired her jaw shut so she won’t spill the beans.

Did you know that CIA Chief William Casey had the exact part of his brain that controls speech damaged intentionally maybe? I do, from Thom Hartmann.

coolcatdaddy November 25, 2008 at 7:40 pm

Who is this persons on my tv? They’re with some “Office of the President Elect”. When did they create that Office? Is it part of Homeland Security?

facehead November 25, 2008 at 7:52 pm

Slightly serious observation: I was watching CNN money edition or something and there was a cnn money guy and some person from the Reagan administration who likes money too. Both of them, at some point, referred to Obama as the president, and then had to correct themselves.

I’ve noticed this in people I talk to as well.

Barry, if you are reading this, remember, if Chinese Democracy can live up to expectations, so can you!

smellyal8r November 25, 2008 at 8:14 pm

I think we are fine without a President right now. The guy we’ve got is a loser and the guy who’s coming next is a winner. This “fallow period” will allow us to appreciate President Hopey-Corn upon his arrival. However, the way Obama is channeling Lincoln, I imagine he’ll take the train from Springfield to DC for the inaugural and start wearing a giant stovepipe hat and a long frock coat. Then, we’ll have a President we can look up to, rather than heckle like the incumbent Mr. Doo-doo Pants.

PS Cheney quit his shadow presidency after the ’06 midterm elections. Too hot to handle…

p-Sludge ofTheElves November 25, 2008 at 8:15 pm

This is a message from
the Chinese-Firedrill
of the Podium-Designate
of the Office-Elect
of the President-in-chief
“a domain name you can believe in”.

getoffmylawn November 25, 2008 at 8:22 pm

The infomration I have received from Dulce Base indicates we may not have to wait until 12/21/12 for our founders to return after they’ve seen all this stuff over the past few months. Get the marshmallows ready folks…there’s gonna be one heck of a bonfire. They had a big stake in Bear and Lehman and now they’re mad…really mad.

kapish November 25, 2008 at 8:28 pm

We don’t need no stinkin’ prezdent!

Dreamer November 25, 2008 at 9:20 pm

All I wanna know is are we officially a hobo nation or did Hopey save us from this fate. I am still not clear on this point.

Jukesgrrl November 25, 2008 at 9:20 pm

I think it’s The Mentalist. He seems to know things other people don’t know and, darn it, people like him.

PopeyesPipe November 25, 2008 at 10:14 pm

It’s the Swayze.

CaliforniaMike November 25, 2008 at 10:24 pm

[re=186026]snideinplainsight[/re]: David Icke is always thinking of them, but remember, love — and lots of fuckin’ — can beat them.

sati demise November 25, 2008 at 10:36 pm

[re=186133]Dreamer[/re]: We have not seen the bottom yet. keep collecting those cans and bottles& get a sturdy stick.

Odd Ass City November 25, 2008 at 10:44 pm

The bullies are way funnier now than when they were mostly terrifying. There certainly hasn’t been any downturn in the hilarity since the election. Wonkette thrives.

Constitutional Riots November 25, 2008 at 11:09 pm

[re=186030]Dave J.[/re]: There are some grammatical errors President-Elect Barack Obama makes. He doesn’t use “an” before a word that starts with a vowel all the time…as in most of the time he screws it up. Does he know? Why doesn’t Michelle correct him???

shortsshortsshorts November 25, 2008 at 11:12 pm

[re=186148]Odd Ass City[/re]: Oh, oh yes. That is true, but Newell is like totes evil. This is a really, substantial problem for Ken Layne, who must sacrifice himself daily to deal with the Satanic force of DEATH. Newell’s like Mother Goose evil. You can teach it to your children, but the psychological effects come out in time.
Wonkette made a pact with Satan so that you can view teh funnies that you are viewing right now. Be grateful. Jim probably has your soul, right now, in a covered glass somewhere left of K street.

facehead November 25, 2008 at 11:41 pm

THIS is funny: foxnews felt the need to write a story explaining that Obama doesn’t have any power yet (and Drudge actually felt the need to link to it):

(humorously, even the link seems misinformed)

Those who felt it was informative for Bush to say he was the “decider” may need this.

Anonymous Office Zombie November 25, 2008 at 11:49 pm

I agree with jagorev. This was a rad post. TRUCKNUTZ worthy even.

zhubajie November 26, 2008 at 12:07 am

It’s still Cheney!

Zhu Bajie

shortsshortsshorts November 26, 2008 at 12:42 am

Naw, it’s Nader. NADER has been pulling our strings this entire time. NADER, my friends. HHEENGGH??

glamourdammerung November 26, 2008 at 12:52 am

[re=186004]Them[/re]: Yes, the panic is audible. Which is why wingnut losers are not coming over here to troll their betters.

Get over it.

Ken Layne November 26, 2008 at 1:04 am

This was completely spectacular, Newell … even if you did not use the Katie Couric/Elmo picture (“Bilderberg Group”).

zetetic November 26, 2008 at 1:17 am

[re=186154]Constitutional Riots[/re]: President-Elect Barack Obama does not make grammatical errors. If you find that his statements depart from the rules of standard English, it is the language itself that is at fault.

Brother, I suggest you crawl back into your pod for further gestation until your mind is one with us … (voices fades out menacingly)… one with us … one with us …

bonsai pajamas November 26, 2008 at 1:18 am

The real president. Whoever it might be, will he or she please stop?! Just stop! Stop now!

zhubajie November 26, 2008 at 1:18 am

[re=186045]friendlyskies[/re]: The minister for death squads? I fear you’re right, if not now, then during the up-coming civil war.

Zhu Bajie

Jim Newell November 26, 2008 at 1:24 am

[re=186179]Ken Layne[/re]: I got tired of typing.

zhubajie November 26, 2008 at 1:26 am

[re=186039]MegsOfMegs[/re]: Our new national anthem: Country Dick Montana’s version of “King of the Hobos”!

Zhu Bajie

shortsshortsshorts November 26, 2008 at 1:26 am

[re=186184]Jim Newell[/re]: Lazy.
[re=186179]Ken Layne[/re]: Enabler.

zhubajie November 26, 2008 at 1:31 am

[re=186047]Jim Newell[/re]: If we DON’T “*want* a terrible, idiotic goof” to misrule our country, why do we keep chosing one? The King of the Yahoos was always the ugliest of the Yahoos; our king is always the stupidest. Although we also void our bladders and bowels on our king in the end.

Zhu Bajie

bonsai pajamas November 26, 2008 at 1:35 am

Alright, I looked it up on Wikipeepee, and the current president is the one I think we are all afraid it might be.

shortsshortsshorts November 26, 2008 at 1:39 am

I just flushed a toilet for no reason other then “I,” shorts felt as though it would be the right time to use a toilet, so who am I to judge the sanctity of Jesus’ Chosen Website?
Carry on.

bago November 26, 2008 at 1:49 am

I judge your flush of faith to be unworthy. Leave an appropriate offering for your next flush. I expect at least a six incher with a garnish to taste.

Weeping Jesus November 26, 2008 at 1:57 am

[re=186191]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Nice to see you’ve bumped up the fiber. Hardly needed a courtesy flush. Plausible deniability much more attainable.

Now, stand back and let me show you how a miracle doot is delivered. (I haven’t chosen a web site, but I’m takin’ offers.)

robanybody November 26, 2008 at 3:25 am

If sub-President Hopey can’t undo the evil death ray magic of Dick n W, I wonder how we’ll find laughs when the redneck apes are on the porch, beating down the door to get our Twinkies. There’s got to be some humorous angles on that, but it’ll take serious post-apocalyptic snarkmongering to get us there. I nominate ShortsCubed to lead us through the ruins. He’s the never-give-up (though usually drunk) guy around here. Anyone who’s seen a B movie knows that’s the guy who either leads the cheerleaders back to civilization or… well, gets chain-sawed first.

Never mind. I guess priority one is getting plywood over the windows.

bago November 26, 2008 at 4:12 am

Oooh. Sounds like a line of sensual reggae stores. “Dub ‘n Dick”.

dilhavarti November 26, 2008 at 4:39 am

[re=186154]Constitutional Riots[/re]: Can I haz a apple for this wheel-barrow of dollars paper? Thanks b to u.

Them November 26, 2008 at 5:27 am

So: Was I banned or what? Jesus Christ, I was just trying to make a funny.

H_Tuttle November 26, 2008 at 8:08 am


Y’awl see the sparks when those Trucknutz drag across the thrid rail?

arf November 26, 2008 at 8:23 am

[re=186204]robanybody[/re]: Isn’t Shortsshortsshorts a chick? I’m confused.

iolanthe November 26, 2008 at 10:20 am

[re=186154]Constitutional Riots[/re]: As for Obama’s grammatical error, I’ll still take the occasional “a” instead of “an” over Bill Clinton’s white-trash “Hey, looky! I’m half-educated!” error of consistently fucking up and using subjective pronouns instead of objective: “This came to the attention of Hillary and I …”

AAAAGH!!! Not as horrible as “nucular”, but still grating, and completely illogical. “Bill, if you wouldn’t say ‘it came to the attention of I’ then you don’t say ‘it came to the attention of Hillary and I’”.

As if some country teacher taught him “me” was a dirty word.

You’d think a Rhodes scholar would know the difference.

For the most part, it’s a pleasure hearing Obama speak. Like a soothing hard rain after an eight-year punishing drought.

sarahconnor November 26, 2008 at 10:47 am

This was most enjoyable reading since erection day. Thanks people.

Min November 26, 2008 at 11:06 am

The President is dead (metaphorically speaking). Long live the President.

robanybody November 26, 2008 at 12:00 pm

[re=186227]arf[/re]: Shorts is a chick? Wow, now it’s socially acceptable for me to have a snark crush. Thanks.

robanybody November 26, 2008 at 12:18 pm

See, I just thought Shorts was gay, and as I’m not… seems like I’m stepping in it all over. I go away now, reflect on life.

JerseyGirl Esq. November 26, 2008 at 1:11 pm

You’re all wrong. The true prez is Edward.

Murphious November 27, 2008 at 8:41 am

I am.

202-456-1414 ext.007

tocute2btrue December 2, 2008 at 11:19 am


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