fundamental questions

Who Is The Real President Of America Right Now?

Your country, the United States, comes closer and closer to the brink of complete economic and militaristic (but mostly economic these days!) ruination with every passing second. Oh, don’t blame yourself, dear reader. Blame the government — yeah, you know the one! Because, due to a confluence of distant inaugurations, inept lame ducks and quietly ambitious second-tier Washington officials, we’ve got one foot in the Great New Depression II with the other about to step in… and yet we have no idea who is actually running the country! By our count, we have three (3) presidents right now, and they’re all just going around doing their own things while your money is literally dying. So which president, pray tell, is the REAL president right now?

Current President #1: Hank “Henry” Paulson

Job(s): Treasury Secretary; Friend to Animals & Trees.

Current activities: Freaking out about friends’ banks losing money and giving them $100 trillion “loans,” every hour; apologizing every hour for previous hour’s $100 trillion loan that turned out to be a terrible waste.

Goons: Ben “Tha Money Printa” Bernanke, Neel “Chump” Kashkari.

Why he may be the Real President: Since Hank Paulson is the only member of the current presidential administration still doing work — the rest are out golfing or watching porn in their offices or something, just watching the clock — then that kind of makes him the Real President by default, yes? Also: he can give as much money as possible to anyone he wants, especially if they’ve worked with him before at Goldman Sachs.

Why he may not be the Real President: Primarily because he has never been elected President of the United States. Also, he only has a couple more months before Secret Service steals his office key, while he’s sleeping. So really he’s just some dude throwing money at greedy morons for a few months, then who gives a shit.

***

Current President #2: George Bush Jr. II

Job(s): Ha ha, get this: “President of the United States.”

Current activities: Masturbatin’ like a weasel; writin’ pardons for bird-killers; scorin’ with chicks; learnin’ the alphabet.

Goons: Whichever loser daughter is still unmarried; his pet cricket, Voodoo; Dick fuckin’ Cheney.

Why he may be the Real President: Powers vested in ‘im by the Constitushy and… thatsa ’bout it, ‘spose.

Why he may not be the Real President: He never was! It was just Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld or someone. And now he doesn’t even have to pretend. The gittin’ goin’ time’s nigh two months now! Hank’s doing his Hankamajigs or whatever with the munnies, what else is there? Just ride ‘er out, gitchee one them memoir book deal likenesses, but finish learnin’ the alphabet before commencin’ with the pen & paperin’.

***

Current President #3: Barack Hussein Obama Jr.

Job(s): President-elect of America; Executive VP (Marketing): Marxist Terrorism Fraud… Inc.

Current activities: Coming up with plans to fix, you know, fucking EVERYTHING; stocking up on lube.

Goons: Osama; TBD dog; 66,882,230 American hippies with suffrage.

Why he may be the Real President: Because he will definitely be the Real President in January, unless wacky Hillary starts pulling her old tricks again. He has long-term plans for his government, and people only really care what he has to say now, as opposed to the other two. Also, he has magic powers such as laser eyes and the ability to fly. George Bush and Hank Paulson can barely WALK, no?

Why he may not be the Real President: Because he has no governing powerz, sucka! He literally cannot do anything about the current national death situation and has to sit and watch insane Hank Paulson try to locate a matching pair of socks, economically-speaking. And… you know… ahem… there’s a lot of melanin goin’ on with this guy… American Presidents don’t usually have all that… melanin. What?

***

Oh this was all a dumb joke. Obviously the Real President is Trig. We’re in good hands.

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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97 comments

  1. The Real JR Revisted

    Another thing Obama’s meddling around with to fix is the Education Department. By next week he’ll be giving another speech letting us know that all of our children will be learning to speak Unicorn.

  2. forgracie

    Is it just me or do you guys get the impression that W would knock off two months early given half a chance? Maybe Barry should suggest this in passing….

  3. Borat

    Wasn’t one of those rules of our new Robot Overlords is that they cannot do any harm to humans? And, they can’t stand idlely by when a human is attacked.

    That’s not sounding like too bad an idea. Bless you secret guberment army lab! Bless you!

  4. Them

    The panic’s palpable at Wonkette and it’s right here in this post. It’s going to be a lot harder to be funny about an Administration that’ll speak in nuanced inflections and at least consider doing the right thing before blundering than it has been typing out “W. shat hisself in his knickers again” for the past few years.

    What were Americans thinking when they entered their voting booths? Certainly not of the good will of Wonkette and “The Daily Show,” that’s for sure.

  5. Electric Zen

    Mr. Wonkette, this is Hank Paulson.

    The information you posted about me was not factually correct. You will retract this information, and I will establish some rules that are amenable to both of us.

    Please give me a call.

  6. Thegreatbacon

    Nothing has made it more starkly apparent just how inept the Bush administration has been than the way Barack has masterfully run his transition. Bush must feel like the biggest ass right now. Good.

  7. 2druk2phluq

    Isn’t shortsshortsshorts president? I wrote that in. It made more sense than voting for Nader. That One was just too popular to lose to el muy shortso.

    Dumbest post ever.

  8. magic titty

    I think DEVO should be preznit.

    “When a problem comes along, you must whip it!”
    Economies solved!

  9. problemwithcaring

    [re=186011]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Laura’s illegal immigrant maid from Texas? ‘Cause I wrote her in…

  10. Dave J.

    [re=186004]Them[/re]: Why so pessimistic? The more competent the Obama administration is, the more freaked out the GOP will become. And, the more freaked out the GOP gets, the more hilarious are their antics. (Cf. John McCain picks Sarah Palin, etc.) The next four years are going to be the very picture of competent boredom at the White House, and the very picture of hilarious anxiety among the chumps angling to get thrashed by Barry in 2012.

  11. Johnny Zhivago

    From this day forward,
    we will proudly pledge:
    A chicken in every pot!
    A pair of TruckNutz in every Garage!

  12. sevenrepeat

    This whole time I thought Tom from myspace was our President. Time to rearrange my “top friends” list again…….

  13. friendlyskies

    I always thought the real POTUS was the Dark Lord John Negroponte, whose bloodthirsty, paranoid dream of creating an omnipotent, omniscient surveillance state with himself installed as Big Brother was utterly destroyed when the Facebook/Myspace folks discovered Americans would post all their secrets voluntarily, free of charge, with no need for spy satellites or mind-control drugs. Depressed and deprived of his purpose in life, as well as the blood of innocent Honduran children that had long sustained him, Negroponte became listless, bored, uninterested in affairs of state…at first his friends tried to keep him amused as assistant secretary of state, but eventually, without even starting a single war, the old neocon vampire fell inextricably into a deep reality-television-and-cheetos coma, only rousing himself periodically to surf the celebrity comment blogs. Without a leader deeply committed to the vision of a goose-stepping, fear-driven, hypermilitarized USA surrounded by barbed-wire borders all under the complete control of a huge centralized government with cameras and informants everywhere, the Bush Administration began to, well, relax. Clear some brush. Dance with foreigners. And that’s when everything fell apart. Dark Lord Negroponte, where are you?


  14. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=186004]Them[/re]: I like how your tone implies that we *want* a terrible, idiotic goof to run the country so it will be easier to be “funny” on our blog. Well, (a) it is never easy to be funny (b) we do live in this country, too, and have much greater concerns than eking out a few extra post opportunities every day.

    Politics is insane, and anyone who’s ever gone around shouting that irony is dead always ends up a fool, an embarrassment to one’s self and society.

    (also, yr banned)

  15. Barrett808

    [re=186016]magic titty[/re]: When I saw DEVO last year, Mark said, “It’s pretty clear that de-evolution is real — you don’t have to look much further than the White House.”

    Then I spazzed out to “Uncontrollable Urge.”

  16. jagorev

    This was fantastic. I’m only disappointed that you did not include Sarah Palin (the President of “real America”) and Ron Paul (the President of Galt’s Gulch)

  17. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=186013]2druk2phluq[/re]: Thanks for the write-in. At least SOMEBODY on this planet appreciates an insane, usually drunk, hit-or-miss Wonkette commenter.

  18. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=186047]Jim Newell[/re]: As long as there is a Washington, there will be funny. And when there is no more Washington, there will always be a Charlie Christ. Always.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    Bush can’t be president — he used up all his vacation time somewhere around the end of 2003 and technically owes America two solid years of service including weekends, although we’ll give him a pass on that.
    Cheney can’t be president because he’s obviously a member of the legislative branch, except when he’s performing his Constitutionally-mandated function of kidnapping virgins.
    Obama just has to wait around, but he’ll be signing about six different bills during his inaugural address, and so at least will hit the ground running.
    Everyone else in the government is spending their time doing what the Iraqis did for about a solid month after the liberation of Baghdad. You see all those cars leaving DC every evening with sofas, office furniture and computers strapped to the roof or bulging out the windows? Well, just some advice to the incoming administration — bring your own pens.

  20. NoWireHangers

    [re=186047]Jim Newell[/re]: While you’re at it, start banning all the assholes who keep plugging their shitty blogs in the comments.

    You know who you are. Cease and Desist or we will sick Shorts on you. Shorts don’t play around!!1!

  21. Internally valid

    [re=186047]Jim Newell[/re]: Hahaha! Banned, motherfucker! Just because George Bush was a no talent ass clown who invoked laughs by simply trying to say words, doesn’t mean comedy doesn’t exist anymore. There are just a few low-hanging apples off the tree.

  22. dougbob

    and why hasn’t wonkette launched a major investigation into pisco sourgate. bush is drinkin’ agin and there’s only laura keepin’ his finger off that nucklar trigger. and don’t buy any of this crap about bushie dring a “virgin” pisco sour. that’s like drinking a virgin martini!

  23. p-Sludge ofTheElves

    Who is the REAL president?
    Ann Coulter has a man’s hands, but which man?
    Could these questions be connected?
    I submit that Ann Coulter may have the REAL president’s hands.

    The people who offed Ken Lay have wired her jaw shut so she won’t spill the beans.

    Did you know that CIA Chief William Casey had the exact part of his brain that controls speech damaged intentionally maybe? I do, from Thom Hartmann.

  24. coolcatdaddy

    Who is this persons on my tv? They’re with some “Office of the President Elect”. When did they create that Office? Is it part of Homeland Security?

  25. facehead

    Slightly serious observation: I was watching CNN money edition or something and there was a cnn money guy and some person from the Reagan administration who likes money too. Both of them, at some point, referred to Obama as the president, and then had to correct themselves.

    I’ve noticed this in people I talk to as well.

    Barry, if you are reading this, remember, if Chinese Democracy can live up to expectations, so can you!

  26. smellyal8r

    I think we are fine without a President right now. The guy we’ve got is a loser and the guy who’s coming next is a winner. This “fallow period” will allow us to appreciate President Hopey-Corn upon his arrival. However, the way Obama is channeling Lincoln, I imagine he’ll take the train from Springfield to DC for the inaugural and start wearing a giant stovepipe hat and a long frock coat. Then, we’ll have a President we can look up to, rather than heckle like the incumbent Mr. Doo-doo Pants.

    PS Cheney quit his shadow presidency after the ’06 midterm elections. Too hot to handle…

  27. p-Sludge ofTheElves

    This is a message from
    the Chinese-Firedrill
    of the Podium-Designate
    of the Office-Elect
    of the President-in-chief
    of change.gov
    “a domain name you can believe in”.

  28. getoffmylawn

    The infomration I have received from Dulce Base indicates we may not have to wait until 12/21/12 for our founders to return after they’ve seen all this stuff over the past few months. Get the marshmallows ready folks…there’s gonna be one heck of a bonfire. They had a big stake in Bear and Lehman and now they’re mad…really mad.

  29. Dreamer

    All I wanna know is are we officially a hobo nation or did Hopey save us from this fate. I am still not clear on this point.

  30. Jukesgrrl

    I think it’s The Mentalist. He seems to know things other people don’t know and, darn it, people like him.

  31. CaliforniaMike

    [re=186026]snideinplainsight[/re]: David Icke is always thinking of them, but remember, love — and lots of fuckin’ — can beat them.

  32. sati demise

    [re=186133]Dreamer[/re]: We have not seen the bottom yet. keep collecting those cans and bottles& get a sturdy stick.

  33. Odd Ass City

    [re=186004]Them[/re]:
    The bullies are way funnier now than when they were mostly terrifying. There certainly hasn’t been any downturn in the hilarity since the election. Wonkette thrives.

  34. Constitutional Riots

    [re=186030]Dave J.[/re]: There are some grammatical errors President-Elect Barack Obama makes. He doesn’t use “an” before a word that starts with a vowel all the time…as in most of the time he screws it up. Does he know? Why doesn’t Michelle correct him???

  35. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=186148]Odd Ass City[/re]: Oh, oh yes. That is true, but Newell is like totes evil. This is a really, substantial problem for Ken Layne, who must sacrifice himself daily to deal with the Satanic force of DEATH. Newell’s like Mother Goose evil. You can teach it to your children, but the psychological effects come out in time.
    Wonkette made a pact with Satan so that you can view teh funnies that you are viewing right now. Be grateful. Jim probably has your soul, right now, in a covered glass somewhere left of K street.

  36. Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=186051]jagorev[/re]:
    I agree with jagorev. This was a rad post. TRUCKNUTZ worthy even.

  37. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=186168]zhubajie[/re]:
    Naw, it’s Nader. NADER has been pulling our strings this entire time. NADER, my friends. HHEENGGH??

  38. glamourdammerung

    [re=186004]Them[/re]: Yes, the panic is audible. Which is why wingnut losers are not coming over here to troll their betters.

    Get over it.

  39. Ken Layne

    This was completely spectacular, Newell … even if you did not use the Katie Couric/Elmo picture (“Bilderberg Group”).

  40. zetetic

    [re=186154]Constitutional Riots[/re]: President-Elect Barack Obama does not make grammatical errors. If you find that his statements depart from the rules of standard English, it is the language itself that is at fault.

    Brother, I suggest you crawl back into your pod for further gestation until your mind is one with us … (voices fades out menacingly)… one with us … one with us …

  41. zhubajie

    [re=186045]friendlyskies[/re]: The minister for death squads? I fear you’re right, if not now, then during the up-coming civil war.

    Zhu Bajie

  42. zhubajie

    [re=186039]MegsOfMegs[/re]: Our new national anthem: Country Dick Montana’s version of “King of the Hobos”!

    Zhu Bajie

  43. zhubajie

    [re=186047]Jim Newell[/re]: If we DON’T “*want* a terrible, idiotic goof” to misrule our country, why do we keep chosing one? The King of the Yahoos was always the ugliest of the Yahoos; our king is always the stupidest. Although we also void our bladders and bowels on our king in the end.

    Zhu Bajie

  44. bonsai pajamas

    Alright, I looked it up on Wikipeepee, and the current president is the one I think we are all afraid it might be.

  45. shortsshortsshorts

    I just flushed a toilet for no reason other then “I,” shorts felt as though it would be the right time to use a toilet, so who am I to judge the sanctity of Jesus’ Chosen Website?
    Carry on.

  46. bago

    I judge your flush of faith to be unworthy. Leave an appropriate offering for your next flush. I expect at least a six incher with a garnish to taste.

  47. Weeping Jesus

    [re=186191]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Nice to see you’ve bumped up the fiber. Hardly needed a courtesy flush. Plausible deniability much more attainable.

    Now, stand back and let me show you how a miracle doot is delivered. (I haven’t chosen a web site, but I’m takin’ offers.)

  48. robanybody

    If sub-President Hopey can’t undo the evil death ray magic of Dick n W, I wonder how we’ll find laughs when the redneck apes are on the porch, beating down the door to get our Twinkies. There’s got to be some humorous angles on that, but it’ll take serious post-apocalyptic snarkmongering to get us there. I nominate ShortsCubed to lead us through the ruins. He’s the never-give-up (though usually drunk) guy around here. Anyone who’s seen a B movie knows that’s the guy who either leads the cheerleaders back to civilization or… well, gets chain-sawed first.

    Never mind. I guess priority one is getting plywood over the windows.

  49. dilhavarti

    [re=186154]Constitutional Riots[/re]: Can I haz a apple for this wheel-barrow of dollars paper? Thanks b to u.

  50. iolanthe

    [re=186154]Constitutional Riots[/re]: As for Obama’s grammatical error, I’ll still take the occasional “a” instead of “an” over Bill Clinton’s white-trash “Hey, looky! I’m half-educated!” error of consistently fucking up and using subjective pronouns instead of objective: “This came to the attention of Hillary and I …”

    AAAAGH!!! Not as horrible as “nucular”, but still grating, and completely illogical. “Bill, if you wouldn’t say ‘it came to the attention of I’ then you don’t say ‘it came to the attention of Hillary and I’”.

    As if some country teacher taught him “me” was a dirty word.

    You’d think a Rhodes scholar would know the difference.

    For the most part, it’s a pleasure hearing Obama speak. Like a soothing hard rain after an eight-year punishing drought.

  51. robanybody

    [re=186227]arf[/re]: Shorts is a chick? Wow, now it’s socially acceptable for me to have a snark crush. Thanks.

  52. robanybody

    See, I just thought Shorts was gay, and as I’m not… seems like I’m stepping in it all over. I go away now, reflect on life.

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