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ass fuckingThe government rescued insurance giant AIG from its own wretched, greedy incompetence by giving the evil company $80 billion $150 billion of your tax dollars. With this insane reward for being an epic failure, AIG was supposed to rebuild its core business — which is insurance, not gambling like a drunken fool and destroying the entire global economy in the process. Instead, AIG is burning through its bailout cash by sending absurd emails to political-comedy blogs demanding clarification on whether the $125 million of taxpayer dollars AIG is spending on English football sponsorships is simply a continuing waste of taxpayer millions or a renewed waste of taxpayer millions.

This is the first of three (3) emails your Wonkette editor received this morning from AIG Media Relations in New York:

From: ____.____@aig.com
To: ken@wonkette.com
Date: Tue, Nov 25, 2008 at 9:49 AM
Subject: regarding your post: Your Most Recent ‘AIG Still Spends Absurd Amounts Of Taxpayer Money On Dumb Things’ News!
mailed-by aig.com

Ken:

You report that AIG is renewing its Manchester United sponsorship. That is not true. We are not renewing our sponsorship with Manchester United, we are in active discussions regarding our pre-existing contract, and in the interim we are eliminating related costs such as marketing, advertising and hospitality.

The story, which was sourced from a story by ABC News, reported that AIG “has no plans to cancel hundreds of millions of dollars in sports team sponsorships.” That is simply inaccurate. AIG has canceled a number of sponsorships around the world. AIG has not renewed long-term sponsorship relationships with marquee names like the New York Yankees, New York Knicks, Houston Rockets, Houston Astros, Madison Square Garden, AIG Japan Open (Tennis), Irish Champion Hurdle (Horseracing), and New Orleans Jazz Fest.

AIG has only a handful of multi-year sponsorship contracts in effect. The company has had discussions with those organizations that we do not intend to renew those contracts when they expire. Regardless of the contractual situation, we are eliminating all costs associated with marketing, advertising and hospitality.

Please don’t hesitate to e-mail or call me if you want some additional clarity.

_____ _______
AIG Media Relations
______ _____ ____
New York, NY 10270
_____.______@aig.com

Your editor skimmed this weird e-mail, laughed at this outrageous attempt at massaging the image of a company whose initials literally stand for “American Inept Greed,” and decided to at least forward it to your associate editors, for laffs, with this note:

Ken Layne to Sara, Jim
Date: Tue, Nov 25, 2008 at 12:07 PM
subject Fwd: regarding your post: Your Most Recent ‘AIG Still Spends Absurd Amounts Of Taxpayer Money On Dumb Things’ News!

These are the people who destroyed the global economy. It’s less surprising when you see how stupid they are, isn’t it?
– Show quoted text –

Your editor was finished thinking about the AIG email, but AIG was not finished thinking about your Wonkette! In fact, a new AIG email arrived while your editor was forwarding the first one to his colleagues:

From: ____.____@aig.com
To: ken@wonkette.com
Date: Tue, Nov 25, 2008 at 12:06 PM
Subject: regarding your post: Your Most Recent ‘AIG Still Spends Absurd Amounts Of Taxpayer Money On Dumb Things’ News!
mailed-by aig.com

Ken:

If you are actively covering AIG, we’d like to be engaged with Wonkette to allow your readers to get answers about AIG directly from the company.

I’d like you to note that today, AIG announced some voluntary compensation restrictions that go beyond the requirements specified by TARP. AIG will have voluntary restrictions on executive compensation that include a $1 salary for its Chief Executive Officer; no 2008 annual bonuses and no salary increases through 2009 for AIG’s top-seven-officer Leadership Group; and no salary increases through 2009 for the 50 next-highest executives, in addition to other bonus, severance and retention award restrictions. AIG is also developing a funding structure to ensure that no taxpayer dollars are used for annual bonus or future cash performance awards for AIG’s “Senior Partners,” the top 60 members of management.

The details are laid out in a press release that we issued this morning (http://ir.aigcorporate.com/phoenix.zhtml?c=76115&p=irol-newsArticle&ID=1230022&highlight=).

Let me know if you are interested in engaging. If so, we can establish some rules that are amenable for both of us.

Thank you.

_____ _______
AIG Media Relations
______ _____ ____
New York, NY 10270
_____.______@aig.com

Your editor was now officially annoyed — “establish some rules that are amenable for both of us”?! — and banged out the following reply:

From: ken@wonkette.com
To: _____._____@aig.com
Cc: “Sara K. Smith” “Jim Newell”
Date: Tue, Nov 25, 2008 at 12:22 PM
subject Re: And while you are covering AIG…
mailed-by gmail.com

Dude, Wonkette is a political comedy blog. You live in New York, you work in “media relations,” and you don’t know Wonkette or Gawker or anything? Jesus fucking christ. This is how you clowns are spending EIGHTY BILLION DOLLARS of taxpayer money, whining to comedy blogs? Jesus fucking christ. I am going to post all of these, for hilarity.

The reply arrived moments later:

From: ____.____@aig.com
To: ken@wonkette.com
Date: Tue, Nov 25, 2008 at 12:06 PM
Subject: RE: And while you are covering AIG…
mailed-by aig.com

Ken:

Can you give me a call please.

Nah dude. But we will run the correction you requested! In this post about AIG blowing $125 million of American taxpayers’ money on some limey soccer team, in England, we said AIG would “renew” the spending of $125 million in American taxpayers’ money on a limey soccer team, in England, when AIG says this insane waste of American bailout money is actually just a continuing thing, and not a renewal. Wonkette regrets that AIG got $150 billion in federal bailout money.

$
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125 COMMENTS

  1. Poor, poor PR people. Now she’s having a terrible day because during Freshman orientation someone was like, PR is really easy and only ugly people do journalism.

    She has a sad because she is a dumb and can’t figure out why.

  2. And that, my friends, is why you never, ever, ever pitch a blogger… especially when you clearly did no research on the site. Congrats AIG Media Relations Team, you never graduated new media 101.

  3. At least it’s not “Citi Field”. I mean, Go Mets!, but UGH.

    In protest, I will not be paying my CitiBank credit cards until they get their name offa there. That’ll show em. Terrible financial decisions? Two can play at that game. Now the hunter has become the hunted!

  4. While watching the Rangers home game last night, I noted tha AIG logos missing from the neutral zone. They were replaced with Vitamin Water logos. Equally useful.

  5. [re=185859]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Raw or burning bag of dicks? You need to be as specific as possible, or these lawyerly weasels will try to wiggle out of consuming the bag of dicks.

  6. [re=185858]4tehlulz[/re]: No PR people don’t marry or engage in what humans call “love” at all. They’re asexual, like GI Joe.

    That was PR-speak for “let me know if you are going to be nice to me,” phrased in that vaguely threatening way that they have no way to back up.

  7. [re=185851]BitterPolitico[/re]: And you know it’s a senior member of the AIG Media Relations Team because a lazy intern would have chanced a google search by now.

  8. I find it amusing they’re apparently worried about a PR black eye…

    Dudes, you’ve had so many black eyes lately, your computer must have a Braille application for you to even have been able to read Wonkette!

  9. Wow, someone wants to protect his job. “You cannot fire me! AIG needs someone to stop the specious attacks by vile Truck Nutz-loving Wonkette! Full time! With benefits! And paid vacation!”

  10. Here’s a rule that’s amenable to me: The AIG public relations department is replaced immediately by Insane Clown Posse. Those two would strike just the right note.

  11. That second AIG email is priceless.

    ken, we’d like to use your network of readers and co-opt it for our PR purposes. that way, we can tell them that now that everyone went on the 500K spa retreat, NO BONUSES FOR A YEAR, BITCHES! Let me know if you are interested in engaging.

    i do like the investment in truck nutz, though. the meta meta mindfuck of wonkette posting a video of bill o’rielly yelling about AIG investment in truck nutz with a photo of truck nutz just next to his head would be “very web 2.0”

  12. Fun facts about AIG: Hank Greenberg, former chairman, was a huge asshole who would scream profanities at the security guards if the elevator door in the lobby wasn’t already open by the time he reached it. He also provoked an investigation into AIG by fellow famous asshole Elliot Spitzer by telling Spitzer to go fuck himself when Spitzer called for information about something unrelated. Heckuva guy, that Hank.

  13. Well, some calming words from sage Obama today: “If we are going to make the investments we need, we also have to be willing to shed the spending we don’t need.”

    Hmm. Only time will tell if he will be able to withstand the powerful forces of the the National Money Hole lobby.

  14. Sure is a good thing we aren’t giving the car companies a bailout because they are too stoopid to spend it responsibly. Wall Street firms like AIG are S-M-R-T smart.

  15. aaah yes. Reminds me of some of the responses in Spy Magazine. I especially treasured one which ended “… but may we cancel your subscription anyway?”

  16. Another over educated media fuck. Hey, since you’re reading this blog, read this:

    Your LEADERSHIP doesn’t deserve to be compensated, they deserve to be thrown in debtor’s prison…you know, the one that the Republicans recreated when they changed the credit laws and restricted personal bankruptcies?

    Your LEADERSHIP has ALREADY pocketed millions in bonuses and salary, which I am sure is salted away in safe investments that don’t have the name AIG written anywhere on the stock certificate. Spare me your bleeding heart pay policies for your executives that should all be fired on the spot and frog-marched down Constitution during the inauguration.

    Your LEADERSHIP made BETS that financial instruments they were too lazy to investigate or to ignorant to understand were worth insuring because they could charge outrageous fees and were too greedy or god damn stupid to realize that each bet added weight to a pyramid scheme that was teetering to begin with.

    Your LEADERSHIP and the little Wharton/Harvard/University of Chicago/Stanford fucks, who learned how to make money by reorganizing, shuffling paper and making pretty spreadsheets, but certainly not by leading others to produce anything of value, made bets on companies run by secret handshake buddies who couldn’t play golf any better than they run their companies and these companies produced CRAP, if anything at all, and used cheap, overseas labor to do it.

    You want me to believe in your commitment? Have all of your executives and board members and high-level managers sell their house(s) and cars and expensive toys and invest it in saving AIG – ALL of it. Let them send their kids to public school and state universities and let them live in a modest home and drive a toyota (certainly not a GM car) and THEN I might take you all seriously.

    Until then…go fuck yourself and your plan to “get serious” and fix AIG.

    Yeah, I am angry, because you and your ilk fucked the country I am willing to die for. What are you willing to die for? Your 401(k)?

  17. “Ken, can you give me a call please.”

    “Sorry, can’t afford phones no more. All my money’s gone, spent on bailing out corporate hacks like you.”

  18. OH, please call him, but tomorrow. The 24 hour rule of business that says “yeah i could have called you yesterday, but i was too busy”

    CALL HIM TOMORROW.

  19. [re=185855]BarthexDeRosa[/re]: speaking of 2 dogs fucking i have a funny joke

    and indian brave goes up to the cheif that names all the new babies and says ” how do you come up with the names”? the chief replies ” i look for events that coincide with the birth if i see an eagle flying over head thebay’s name is soaring eagle. if i see a dear running the field the baby’s name is running deer, tell me 2 dogs fucking, why do you ask”

    im here all week folks dont forget to tip your wait staff and stay away from the meatloaf

  20. Ken – Every time that guy emails you, they toss another billion dollars on the tab for “services rendered”. Stop it immediately or our kids will be selling plasma to the Chinese just to service the national debt.

  21. It’s soooo funny that this AIG douchebag is trying to spin Wonkette. You’d think that he’d have better things to do with his time than battle the snark. I hope he’s living under a bridge and drinking ripple in a few months.

    P.S. If you do contact this asshole, please publish his dumbass remarks for us tear apart.

  22. I have a question for AIG, Ken. How are they going to assure that no ‘tax dollars’ are used to pay the 60 top management?

    Are they going to mark all the bills with waterproof ink? Tax dollars vs old bankruptcy bound dollars?
    Are they going to borrow the money from Citibank to pay these top 60 executives-and then pay back Citibank with a loan from Wachovia?

    Where is this money to pay the top 60 executives coming from if not from taxpayers?

  23. [re=185901]AfghanVet[/re]: Man, no one does the righteous rage like our own Afghan Vet. Forgot the [/snark] disclaimer at the beginning, however.

  24. I laughed out loud on “rules amenable to both of us.” What the FUCK?

    I will never understand what they do to these people in Teh Business School. I’m guessing suck out their souls, through sodomy.

  25. Ken:

    Please also give me a call. I would like to discuss with your blatant refusal to “engage” and “play ball” while “taking one for the team” and “drilling down” on the very important issue of Ann “Lockjaw” Coulter. Sure, maybe our comments are unfunny, but they’re OUR unfunny. Give the people what they want. Give the people what WE want.

    And speaking of rules of engagement, I’m tired of them! When I got engaged, it was all “don’t leave your whiskers in the sink”, “take out the garbage”, “stop letting the dog poop in my shoes”, “quit making out with my sister at wedding parties”, “stop making out with my sister at family reunions”, “stop making out with my sister”. My only rule was I would like a bologna sandwich, please.

    Just kidding I’m not engaged! I don’t even have a girlfriend! Mwahahaa!

    Hahai’mlonely.

  26. Dear Wonkette,

    Please call me to engage about becoming a shill for our press releases. We obviously can’t pay you since we’re too busy finding creative ways to blow billions of taxpayer dollars at the spa, but we have some lovely stock options we can offer.

    Sincerely,
    AIG

  27. [re=185901]AfghanVet[/re]: What he said. I was thinking in more profane terms, actually. Vacillatin’ between ‘clapped in irons’ and ‘castrated with butter knife’.

    Frankly, I have a hard time believing anybody at AIG reads Wonkette. How surreal.

  28. I’m guessing that AIG correspondent wasn’t a human at all, but one of the new financial expert system software programs – kind of like those Turing-test psychologist programs.

    Ken: We mock you, you idiot!
    “AIG”: And how does that make you feel?

  29. [re=185936]The Unfairman[/re]: I jusssst now got back from a lunchtime break-up. We can snuggle later if you like… And it’s totally cool if you wanna bang my sister.

  30. Admit it, Ken, you wrote the emails. You want us to believe that some moron at AIG wants to “engage the readers directly” and didn’t get this site. Like everyone doesn’t know that AIG is made up of a steaming pile of lying – well, you know.

  31. Like two dogs going at it, Ken and AIG will eventually come to an agreement, whereby the two parties will smoke cigarettes and call each other in the morning.

    Look for AIG banner ads running along our Wonkette.

  32. “no salary increases through 2009 for AIG’s top-seven-officer Leadership Group; and no salary increases through 2009 for the 50 next-highest executives”

    HA HA, the race for these 50 men is now on to fuck up just enough to get to “Executive #58”.

    #34 took it too far by taking a shit on #17’s desk, he’s now #509 and his wife is fucking #23 – 27, and #49 (49 is such a man tramp amirite?)

  33. AIG Said: “Please don’t hesitate to e-mail or call me if you want some” …

    BWAHAHAHAAH!

    Oh wait… “some additional clarity”. Ok, that makes it clearer.

  34. Established Amenable Rules For All Of Us

    1. Hank Paulson will give AIG a dumptruck full of money to spend on pretty much anything they want.
    2. Wonkette (its editors, contributors, and commenting readers) will make fun of AIG anyway Wonkette sees fit.
    3. Trucknutz for some. Tiny American flags for others.

  35. Maybe these fuckers shouldn’t have insured Ann Coulter’s jaw for $250 billion. I’m sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, but so did Betamax.

  36. Hooray for ABC News! If they hadn’t botched their story, we wouldn’t be enjoying the hilarity that is AIG Corporate Communications.

    “Can you give me a call please.” Doesn’t sound like a punchline, but wow.

  37. As a Manchester United fan, should I pre-order my 2009 jersey now? I want to be the first one sporting the jersey with the resplendent new Trucknutz logo on the front!

  38. I *love* how the PR guy lists all of the places where AIG has paid for sports sponsorships….he can’t help but try to keep giving off a “we’re a big global leader company” vibe, but what he’s really saying is “Hey look!!! Here’s a bunch of other places where we squandered money stockholder money on pricey shit that has nothing to do with our company! Globally! And for years!!!”

    I vote for flaming dicks.

  39. [re=185901]AfghanVet[/re]: Awesome. I think you should copy and paste that everywhere. Ken, you should give Afghan Vet the douche’s e-mail address so that he can “engage” with them.

  40. I was eating my yummy yummy lunch at Round Table today and a soccer game was on one of the bajillionty TVs there. And yes, of course, one of the teams had the AIG logo on their jerseys.

    [re=185901]AfghanVet[/re]: Brilliant.

  41. I, too, would like to be engaged to someone who just got a free $150 billion and a get out of jail free card. How do I make this happen, people?

  42. [re=185901]AfghanVet[/re]: God bless ya.

    Also, you were terrific in the liveblog comments on election night. Bit late to get back to you now about it, but you were STAND OUT.

    Kudos.

  43. You know what… I gave this a second thought, and I kinda wished you would have gone with it, Ken. The offer for allowing us readers to “engage” in questioning our AIG overlords would be fairly bonor-worthy.

  44. These AIG media relations tools are going balls-out with the blogspin; they’re pitching their meager attempts at fiduciary reform to the politically serious-as-a-heart attack crowd over at Big Orange, too.

    So, Ken, your attempt at redacting the names and corporate contact information, in order to protect the “innocent” AIG media relations commissars, just contributes to more better epic lulz!

    American International Group, Inc.

    Nicholas J. Ashooh, 212-770-3523
    Senior Vice President, Communications
    or
    Peter Tulupman, 212-770-3141
    Manager, Public Relations

    Did that blog shield law come into effect suddenly under the “establish some rules that are amenable for both of us” codicil?

  45. I was in Europe last month, when everything collapsed, and I couldn’t figure out all of these kids in AIG jerseys. THANKS! I finally get it!

  46. Re: the “political comedy blog” description, I’ve thought for some time that the Wonkette masthead should carry the strapline: “Breaking Political Snark”.

    That’s its greatest virtue; it should highlight it. No? It might also lead to less confusion among PR twats.

  47. This call must happen. It must be recorded. It must be shared with the world. Can you videoconference maybe? Because that would be super.

    I don’t know about you guys, but I feel like I just got my $150 billion’s worth right there.

  48. It looks like Assholes Investing in Garbage has been “reaching out” to people making fun of them as a result of this letter that CEO Liddy sent to Andrew Cuomo, who’s been kinda pissed because before today AIG had no plans to forego bonuses or pay raises.
    http://dealbook.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/11/25/after-criticism-from-cuomo-aig-cuts-executive-pay/?ref=business

    And here’s a little tidbit from another article: Last month, Mr. Cuomo said A.I.G. had agreed to suspend payments from a $600 million bonus fund to executives in its financial products unit, as well as $19 million in payments to its former chief executive.

    Y’know, if I owed billions and billions of dollars, the stash for hookers and blow would be the first thing I’d clean out. How come AIG has a 600 fucking million dollar bonus fund just lying around at this point in the game?!
    http://dealbook.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/11/18/cuomo-keeps-aig-in-his-sights-on-executive-pay/

    And why do they expect anybody to think they’re being magnanimous — or even responsible, for that matter — in light of this? Considering that Edward M. Liddy should have his has thrown in jail, this should not be accepted with gratitude.

    In fact, I own this fucking company now. Not that I want to. But since I do, I would like to see them put their books online. For everyone to see. That would be a start.

  49. Oh, oh, oh – I got my fix late, so tired and overworked that I misread and thought that today, AIG announced some “voluptuary compensation.” I am beyond 150 bil disappointed. But some Wonkette phone sex with the AIG Media Relations virgin – would sure go a long way to making me feel better. Please? Please? Please?

  50. You should read the email they wrote to The Onion asking for a retraction on their story, “Area man laughs at AIG hobos, tells them to ‘get a job’.”

  51. Sponsoring Man U, I can understand. But the $150 Billion emails have to stop! Who is their internets provider, anyway? AOL? I draw the line at $1 Million per email.

  52. [re=185901]AfghanVet[/re]: As a Vietnam Vet, I have but three words to say to your post regarding the Charlie Foxtrot that is AIG:

    OUT FUCKIN’ STANDING!

  53. Since there is now actual oversight of the monies, we’ll never know if they
    restrict bonuses or not. I am doubled-over in pain/pleasure that they
    are so upset at Wonkette. Rise up, Wonkettes, we rule the universe!

  54. It seems a shame that you don’t name and shame this “I’m only following orders” douchebag of a PR guy, who has so lost touch with reality that he surely should never work again.

  55. “Ken, can you give me a call please.”

    You should call back and agree some “rules” in return for free tickets to major sporting events. Have them fly you over to Old Trafford, eat a few prawn sandwiches, go for a pint with some of your more orthodontically interesting readers, then fly home (Business class, natch) and totally ignore your end of the bargain.

  56. Ken, it’s just like Shorts said: Gimme mie monies! Now that you’re engaged and all, can I have a loan for my new start-up business I call “Monkey Business” TM. I have not credit or collateral, does that work for you…?

  57. [re=185869]bhosp[/re]: Hey, I practice PR, and please DO NOT lump me in with such people. I represent small businesses, and I pick and choose my clients carefully. You are seeing AIG practice extremely ineffective PR techniques. In fact, I hesitate to call them techniques at all. If you choose companies that behave morally, and help them respond well to a crisis, then you have no bullshit to try and spin or cover-up, etc. Just like there are some honorable lawyers, there are some honorable PR people. Perhaps not many, but we’re out there. :)

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