Wonkette
The government rescued insurance giant AIG from its own wretched, greedy incompetence by giving the evil company $80 billion $150 billion of your tax dollars. With this insane reward for being an epic failure, AIG was supposed to rebuild its core business — which is insurance, not gambling like a drunken fool and destroying the entire global economy in the process. Instead, AIG is burning through its bailout cash by sending absurd emails to political-comedy blogs demanding clarification on whether the $125 million of taxpayer dollars AIG is spending on English football sponsorships is simply a continuing waste of taxpayer millions or a renewed waste of taxpayer millions.
This is the first of three (3) emails your Wonkette editor received this morning from AIG Media Relations in New York:
From: ____.____@aig.com
To: ken@wonkette.com
Date: Tue, Nov 25, 2008 at 9:49 AM
Subject: regarding your post: Your Most Recent ‘AIG Still Spends Absurd Amounts Of Taxpayer Money On Dumb Things’ News!
mailed-by aig.comKen:
You report that AIG is renewing its Manchester United sponsorship. That is not true. We are not renewing our sponsorship with Manchester United, we are in active discussions regarding our pre-existing contract, and in the interim we are eliminating related costs such as marketing, advertising and hospitality.
The story, which was sourced from a story by ABC News, reported that AIG “has no plans to cancel hundreds of millions of dollars in sports team sponsorships.” That is simply inaccurate. AIG has canceled a number of sponsorships around the world. AIG has not renewed long-term sponsorship relationships with marquee names like the New York Yankees, New York Knicks, Houston Rockets, Houston Astros, Madison Square Garden, AIG Japan Open (Tennis), Irish Champion Hurdle (Horseracing), and New Orleans Jazz Fest.
AIG has only a handful of multi-year sponsorship contracts in effect. The company has had discussions with those organizations that we do not intend to renew those contracts when they expire. Regardless of the contractual situation, we are eliminating all costs associated with marketing, advertising and hospitality.
Please don’t hesitate to e-mail or call me if you want some additional clarity.
_____ _______
AIG Media Relations
______ _____ ____
New York, NY 10270
_____.______@aig.com
Your editor skimmed this weird e-mail, laughed at this outrageous attempt at massaging the image of a company whose initials literally stand for “American Inept Greed,” and decided to at least forward it to your associate editors, for laffs, with this note:
Ken Layne to Sara, Jim
Date: Tue, Nov 25, 2008 at 12:07 PM
subject Fwd: regarding your post: Your Most Recent ‘AIG Still Spends Absurd Amounts Of Taxpayer Money On Dumb Things’ News!These are the people who destroyed the global economy. It’s less surprising when you see how stupid they are, isn’t it?
- Show quoted text -
Your editor was finished thinking about the AIG email, but AIG was not finished thinking about your Wonkette! In fact, a new AIG email arrived while your editor was forwarding the first one to his colleagues:
From: ____.____@aig.com
To: ken@wonkette.com
Date: Tue, Nov 25, 2008 at 12:06 PM
Subject: regarding your post: Your Most Recent ‘AIG Still Spends Absurd Amounts Of Taxpayer Money On Dumb Things’ News!
mailed-by aig.comKen:
If you are actively covering AIG, we’d like to be engaged with Wonkette to allow your readers to get answers about AIG directly from the company.
I’d like you to note that today, AIG announced some voluntary compensation restrictions that go beyond the requirements specified by TARP. AIG will have voluntary restrictions on executive compensation that include a $1 salary for its Chief Executive Officer; no 2008 annual bonuses and no salary increases through 2009 for AIG’s top-seven-officer Leadership Group; and no salary increases through 2009 for the 50 next-highest executives, in addition to other bonus, severance and retention award restrictions. AIG is also developing a funding structure to ensure that no taxpayer dollars are used for annual bonus or future cash performance awards for AIG’s “Senior Partners,” the top 60 members of management.
The details are laid out in a press release that we issued this morning (http://ir.aigcorporate.com/phoenix.zhtml?c=76115&p=irol-newsArticle&ID=1230022&highlight=).
Let me know if you are interested in engaging. If so, we can establish some rules that are amenable for both of us.
Thank you.
_____ _______
AIG Media Relations
______ _____ ____
New York, NY 10270
_____.______@aig.com
Your editor was now officially annoyed — “establish some rules that are amenable for both of us”?! — and banged out the following reply:
From: ken@wonkette.com
To: _____._____@aig.com
Cc: “Sara K. Smith” “Jim Newell”
Date: Tue, Nov 25, 2008 at 12:22 PM
subject Re: And while you are covering AIG…
mailed-by gmail.comDude, Wonkette is a political comedy blog. You live in New York, you work in “media relations,” and you don’t know Wonkette or Gawker or anything? Jesus fucking christ. This is how you clowns are spending EIGHTY BILLION DOLLARS of taxpayer money, whining to comedy blogs? Jesus fucking christ. I am going to post all of these, for hilarity.
The reply arrived moments later:
From: ____.____@aig.com
To: ken@wonkette.com
Date: Tue, Nov 25, 2008 at 12:06 PM
Subject: RE: And while you are covering AIG…
mailed-by aig.comKen:
Can you give me a call please.
Nah dude. But we will run the correction you requested! In this post about AIG blowing $125 million of American taxpayers’ money on some limey soccer team, in England, we said AIG would “renew” the spending of $125 million in American taxpayers’ money on a limey soccer team, in England, when AIG says this insane waste of American bailout money is actually just a continuing thing, and not a renewal. Wonkette regrets that AIG got $150 billion in federal bailout money.
Just wait till they find out that Wonkette readers would like AIG to invest in Trucknutz.
Kill them all
let Jeebus sort them out
HAHAHA You have entered the Matrix, Ken. You are DOOMED. DOOOOMED.
I think we were all “engaged” with AIG already when we as a country bent over and gave them $150 billion.
Poor, poor PR people. Now she’s having a terrible day because during Freshman orientation someone was like, PR is really easy and only ugly people do journalism.
She has a sad because she is a dumb and can’t figure out why.
And that, my friends, is why you never, ever, ever pitch a blogger… especially when you clearly did no research on the site. Congrats AIG Media Relations Team, you never graduated new media 101.
Do we have to apologize for the buttsecks references, too?
Haha. I’ve never heard of your little Wonkette either, Ken, so there.
Yes, these bailouts are indeed like watching two dogs fucking backwards.
>Let me know if you are interested in engaging.
Ken, he/she just asked you to marry him/her. Who said romance is dead?
Dear AIG,
Eat. A. Bag. Of. Dicks.
that is all.
This is why God invented Teh Emails. MAGICK!
At least it’s not “Citi Field”. I mean, Go Mets!, but UGH.
In protest, I will not be paying my CitiBank credit cards until they get their name offa there. That’ll show em. Terrible financial decisions? Two can play at that game. Now the hunter has become the hunted!
Hmm.. after nearly 30 mins: Villarreal 0-0 Man Utd
On the other hand, Wonkette 1-0 AIG
While watching the Rangers home game last night, I noted tha AIG logos missing from the neutral zone. They were replaced with Vitamin Water logos. Equally useful.
They’re as good at PR as they are at investing billions of dollars. QFP — Quel Fuckin’ Surprise, as the French would say.
Will AIG sponsor my gay rugby team? All we ask for is beer and nachos.
Advocatus_Diaboli: Raw or burning bag of dicks? You need to be as specific as possible, or these lawyerly weasels will try to wiggle out of consuming the bag of dicks.
4tehlulz: No PR people don’t marry or engage in what humans call “love” at all. They’re asexual, like GI Joe.
That was PR-speak for “let me know if you are going to be nice to me,” phrased in that vaguely threatening way that they have no way to back up.
Layne is psycho. I loves it.
“Ken, can you give me a call please.”
BitterPolitico: And you know it’s a senior member of the AIG Media Relations Team because a lazy intern would have chanced a google search by now.
NewSpence: Those scrums are just big gay hugs, aren’t they?
…Ken call the poor bastard!!! If you are lucky they will throw stupid money at you!
This is a comdey site?
Zing!
If this company was run properly, this guy would have already been let go.
I find it amusing they’re apparently worried about a PR black eye…
Dudes, you’ve had so many black eyes lately, your computer must have a Braille application for you to even have been able to read Wonkette!
Wow, someone wants to protect his job. “You cannot fire me! AIG needs someone to stop the specious attacks by vile Truck Nutz-loving Wonkette! Full time! With benefits! And paid vacation!”
AngryBlakGuy: This is the only logical response.
Ken:
Blow me immediately.
PR Person
Oh, and can we give this guy a sense of humor for Xmas (or Hannukah)? He suffers badly from Takes-Oneself-Too-Seriously-itis.
Here’s a rule that’s amenable to me: The AIG public relations department is replaced immediately by Insane Clown Posse. Those two would strike just the right note.
BarthexDeRosa:
Yeah, except for the fact that you can watch two dogs fuck backwards for like, $5 bucks tops.
I wonder how many emails a day AIG gets these days that contain the phrase “Jesus fucking Christ”, twice. Aside from the one from Paulson.
That second AIG email is priceless.
ken, we’d like to use your network of readers and co-opt it for our PR purposes. that way, we can tell them that now that everyone went on the 500K spa retreat, NO BONUSES FOR A YEAR, BITCHES! Let me know if you are interested in engaging.
–
i do like the investment in truck nutz, though. the meta meta mindfuck of wonkette posting a video of bill o’rielly yelling about AIG investment in truck nutz with a photo of truck nutz just next to his head would be “very web 2.0″
Fun facts about AIG: Hank Greenberg, former chairman, was a huge asshole who would scream profanities at the security guards if the elevator door in the lobby wasn’t already open by the time he reached it. He also provoked an investigation into AIG by fellow famous asshole Elliot Spitzer by telling Spitzer to go fuck himself when Spitzer called for information about something unrelated. Heckuva guy, that Hank.
What??? This isn’t a legitimate news agency? Where is the “For Novelty Use Only” disclaimer?
Wonkette = Chinese made dildo
Well, some calming words from sage Obama today: “If we are going to make the investments we need, we also have to be willing to shed the spending we don’t need.”
Hmm. Only time will tell if he will be able to withstand the powerful forces of the the National Money Hole lobby.
Ken, it is not his fault it is SO LONELY at AIG headquarters. He just wants love.
The financial crisis is when Ken Layne, “found his voice.” Nicely played, sir.
Sure is a good thing we aren’t giving the car companies a bailout because they are too stoopid to spend it responsibly. Wall Street firms like AIG are S-M-R-T smart.
Ken, you didn’t give him your credit card number, did you?
aaah yes. Reminds me of some of the responses in Spy Magazine. I especially treasured one which ended “… but may we cancel your subscription anyway?”
Another over educated media fuck. Hey, since you’re reading this blog, read this:
Your LEADERSHIP doesn’t deserve to be compensated, they deserve to be thrown in debtor’s prison…you know, the one that the Republicans recreated when they changed the credit laws and restricted personal bankruptcies?
Your LEADERSHIP has ALREADY pocketed millions in bonuses and salary, which I am sure is salted away in safe investments that don’t have the name AIG written anywhere on the stock certificate. Spare me your bleeding heart pay policies for your executives that should all be fired on the spot and frog-marched down Constitution during the inauguration.
Your LEADERSHIP made BETS that financial instruments they were too lazy to investigate or to ignorant to understand were worth insuring because they could charge outrageous fees and were too greedy or god damn stupid to realize that each bet added weight to a pyramid scheme that was teetering to begin with.
Your LEADERSHIP and the little Wharton/Harvard/University of Chicago/Stanford fucks, who learned how to make money by reorganizing, shuffling paper and making pretty spreadsheets, but certainly not by leading others to produce anything of value, made bets on companies run by secret handshake buddies who couldn’t play golf any better than they run their companies and these companies produced CRAP, if anything at all, and used cheap, overseas labor to do it.
You want me to believe in your commitment? Have all of your executives and board members and high-level managers sell their house(s) and cars and expensive toys and invest it in saving AIG - ALL of it. Let them send their kids to public school and state universities and let them live in a modest home and drive a toyota (certainly not a GM car) and THEN I might take you all seriously.
Until then…go fuck yourself and your plan to “get serious” and fix AIG.
Yeah, I am angry, because you and your ilk fucked the country I am willing to die for. What are you willing to die for? Your 401(k)?
“Ken, can you give me a call please.”
“Sorry, can’t afford phones no more. All my money’s gone, spent on bailing out corporate hacks like you.”
Ken, I like the way you roll. I’m only sorry you forgot in your replies to find a way to fit in TRUCKNUTZ.
@problemwithcaring: Or even taken the time to look them up on, oh, let’s say, Cision… that’s an old people tool.
OH, please call him, but tomorrow. The 24 hour rule of business that says “yeah i could have called you yesterday, but i was too busy”
CALL HIM TOMORROW.
BarthexDeRosa: speaking of 2 dogs fucking i have a funny joke
and indian brave goes up to the cheif that names all the new babies and says ” how do you come up with the names”? the chief replies ” i look for events that coincide with the birth if i see an eagle flying over head thebay’s name is soaring eagle. if i see a dear running the field the baby’s name is running deer, tell me 2 dogs fucking, why do you ask”
im here all week folks dont forget to tip your wait staff and stay away from the meatloaf
AfghanVet:
CLAP CLAP.
I’d only change one thing. Leadershit not Leadership.
Colette: What do you tell an AIG employee with two black eyes? Nothing you haven’t told them twice already.
Ken - Every time that guy emails you, they toss another billion dollars on the tab for “services rendered”. Stop it immediately or our kids will be selling plasma to the Chinese just to service the national debt.
I think I need to get me a Media Relations officer. I’ll settle for only a $1.5b bailout
hedgehog: why not just have them service the chinee, cut out the middle nonsense?
AfghanVet:
Well stated.
It’s soooo funny that this AIG douchebag is trying to spin Wonkette. You’d think that he’d have better things to do with his time than battle the snark. I hope he’s living under a bridge and drinking ripple in a few months.
P.S. If you do contact this asshole, please publish his dumbass remarks for us tear apart.
I have a question for AIG, Ken. How are they going to assure that no ‘tax dollars’ are used to pay the 60 top management?
Are they going to mark all the bills with waterproof ink? Tax dollars vs old bankruptcy bound dollars?
Are they going to borrow the money from Citibank to pay these top 60 executives-and then pay back Citibank with a loan from Wachovia?
Where is this money to pay the top 60 executives coming from if not from taxpayers?
AfghanVet: Man, no one does the righteous rage like our own Afghan Vet. Forgot the [/snark] disclaimer at the beginning, however.
I laughed out loud on “rules amenable to both of us.” What the FUCK?
I will never understand what they do to these people in Teh Business School. I’m guessing suck out their souls, through sodomy.
Ken:
Please also give me a call. I would like to discuss with your blatant refusal to “engage” and “play ball” while “taking one for the team” and “drilling down” on the very important issue of Ann “Lockjaw” Coulter. Sure, maybe our comments are unfunny, but they’re OUR unfunny. Give the people what they want. Give the people what WE want.
And speaking of rules of engagement, I’m tired of them! When I got engaged, it was all “don’t leave your whiskers in the sink”, “take out the garbage”, “stop letting the dog poop in my shoes”, “quit making out with my sister at wedding parties”, “stop making out with my sister at family reunions”, “stop making out with my sister”. My only rule was I would like a bologna sandwich, please.
Just kidding I’m not engaged! I don’t even have a girlfriend! Mwahahaa!
Hahai’mlonely.
Epic lulz.
Totally epic.
AngryBlakGuy: That’s exactly what I was thinking! Delicious bailout money, yum, yum!
Dear Wonkette,
Please call me to engage about becoming a shill for our press releases. We obviously can’t pay you since we’re too busy finding creative ways to blow billions of taxpayer dollars at the spa, but we have some lovely stock options we can offer.
Sincerely,
AIG
AfghanVet: One correction - that should read: “/Stanford cocksuckers.” Ain’t no fucking in Palo Alto.
Carry on.
AfghanVet: What he said. I was thinking in more profane terms, actually. Vacillatin’ between ‘clapped in irons’ and ‘castrated with butter knife’.
Frankly, I have a hard time believing anybody at AIG reads Wonkette. How surreal.
For what it’s worth; I’d really like for you to give me a call too Ken!
I’m guessing that AIG correspondent wasn’t a human at all, but one of the new financial expert system software programs - kind of like those Turing-test psychologist programs.
Ken: We mock you, you idiot!
“AIG”: And how does that make you feel?
The Unfairman: I jusssst now got back from a lunchtime break-up. We can snuggle later if you like… And it’s totally cool if you wanna bang my sister.
I read somewhere that money is fungible (whatever that means).
I have a question:
Fuck the Heck?
Admit it, Ken, you wrote the emails. You want us to believe that some moron at AIG wants to “engage the readers directly” and didn’t get this site. Like everyone doesn’t know that AIG is made up of a steaming pile of lying - well, you know.
“Can you give me a call please.”
also - punctuation FAIL
Like two dogs going at it, Ken and AIG will eventually come to an agreement, whereby the two parties will smoke cigarettes and call each other in the morning.
Look for AIG banner ads running along our Wonkette.
“no salary increases through 2009 for AIG’s top-seven-officer Leadership Group; and no salary increases through 2009 for the 50 next-highest executives”
HA HA, the race for these 50 men is now on to fuck up just enough to get to “Executive #58″.
#34 took it too far by taking a shit on #17’s desk, he’s now #509 and his wife is fucking #23 - 27, and #49 (49 is such a man tramp amirite?)
AIG Said: “Please don’t hesitate to e-mail or call me if you want some” …
BWAHAHAHAAH!
Oh wait… “some additional clarity”. Ok, that makes it clearer.
Established Amenable Rules For All Of Us
1. Hank Paulson will give AIG a dumptruck full of money to spend on pretty much anything they want.
2. Wonkette (its editors, contributors, and commenting readers) will make fun of AIG anyway Wonkette sees fit.
3. Trucknutz for some. Tiny American flags for others.
this is the best post since the cut nut ashley todd was savaged by a Black Voter.
Maybe these fuckers shouldn’t have insured Ann Coulter’s jaw for $250 billion. I’m sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, but so did Betamax.
Hooray for ABC News! If they hadn’t botched their story, we wouldn’t be enjoying the hilarity that is AIG Corporate Communications.
“Can you give me a call please.” Doesn’t sound like a punchline, but wow.
Woodwards Friend: how about American-flag-patterned Truck Nutz!
Nice one, Ken. There’s one less LinkedIn request that you’ll be getting.
Ken: AIG Media Relations has been busy, busy, busy, trying to put out brush fires with its very sweaty bottom. Wonkette is not alone.
My regards to AIG’s Peter Tulupman, BTW.
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/11/11/182915/86
http://theonlinecitizen.com/2008/09/a-message-from-aig-new-york-office/
http://hotair.com/archives/2008/11/11/aig-responds/
http://malaysiafinance.blogspot.com/2008/09/aigs-love-letter.html
As a Manchester United fan, should I pre-order my 2009 jersey now? I want to be the first one sporting the jersey with the resplendent new Trucknutz logo on the front!
I *love* how the PR guy lists all of the places where AIG has paid for sports sponsorships….he can’t help but try to keep giving off a “we’re a big global leader company” vibe, but what he’s really saying is “Hey look!!! Here’s a bunch of other places where we squandered money stockholder money on pricey shit that has nothing to do with our company! Globally! And for years!!!”
I vote for flaming dicks.
Also, BankNutz.
AfghanVet: Awesome. I think you should copy and paste that everywhere. Ken, you should give Afghan Vet the douche’s e-mail address so that he can “engage” with them.
Boy if AIG isn’t actually spending our money on supporting a limey soccer team, Nike’s gonna be PISSED about these jerseys they’re trying to sell…
http://store.nike.com/index.jsp?country=US&cp=USNS_KW_0611081618&lang_locale=en_US#l=shop,pdp,ctr-inline/cid-1/pid-172060
I was eating my yummy yummy lunch at Round Table today and a soccer game was on one of the bajillionty TVs there. And yes, of course, one of the teams had the AIG logo on their jerseys.
AfghanVet: Brilliant.
I, too, would like to be engaged to someone who just got a free $150 billion and a get out of jail free card. How do I make this happen, people?
Wonkette is to politics what Buddyhead was to music in the 90s. SHAKA BRA.
Wonkette is for the children.
I call bullshit on that LOL-dog. If it were a real LOL, it would say “ur” doing it rong.
Will “Trucknutz” ever get old?
I think not!
I am ordering some chrome ones for xmas.
AfghanVet: God bless ya.
Also, you were terrific in the liveblog comments on election night. Bit late to get back to you now about it, but you were STAND OUT.
Kudos.
You know what… I gave this a second thought, and I kinda wished you would have gone with it, Ken. The offer for allowing us readers to “engage” in questioning our AIG overlords would be fairly bonor-worthy.
These AIG media relations tools are going balls-out with the blogspin; they’re pitching their meager attempts at fiduciary reform to the politically serious-as-a-heart attack crowd over at Big Orange, too.
So, Ken, your attempt at redacting the names and corporate contact information, in order to protect the “innocent” AIG media relations commissars, just contributes to more better epic lulz!
American International Group, Inc.
Nicholas J. Ashooh, 212-770-3523
Senior Vice President, Communications
or
Peter Tulupman, 212-770-3141
Manager, Public Relations
Did that blog shield law come into effect suddenly under the “establish some rules that are amenable for both of us” codicil?