buy canned goods!

United States Government Unveils ‘TARP II: THE CURSE OF BERNANKE’S GOLD’

Whoa hey… whoa… what the hell? “The United States government unveiled $800 billion worth of new loans and debt purchases on Tuesday, hoping another massive infusion of cash would smooth troubled credit markets and make borrowing easier for homebuyers, small businesses and students.” Ha ha, it’s like the original TARP, but for consumers and eggheads — and this time, to hell with the Congressional “funding approval”! It’s much easier for Hank Paulson to drag his ass to a podium some random Tuesday morning and just start stone cold announcin’ the motherfucker.

How does one Hank “Henry” Paulson pull the slip on Congress and stealthily announce $800 billion in new gov’t purchases? The American Way, of course! He calls his indentured servant Ben Bernanke — who entered into such a lopsided slavery deal with Paulson because he, well, blew his load by cutting all of the good targeted interest rates to the floor too early, and the markets didn’t give a toot beyond a 15-20 minute stock rally, before plummeting again forever, rendering Bernanke powerless (but still wanting a piece of the action!) — and asks him to print a shit-ton of money, with which they will buy actual shit:

The Federal Reserve said it would buy up to $600 billion in mortgage-backed assets from government-sponsored mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. It would buy up to $100 billion in debt directly from the companies and up to $500 billion in mortgage-backed securities.

“This action is being taken to reduce the cost and increase the availability of credit for the purchase of houses, which in turn should support housing markets and foster improved conditions in financial markets more generally,” the Federal Reserve said in a statement.

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Separately, the Fed and Treasury Department announced a $200 billion program to ease commercial lending on debt like student loans, car loans or business loans. The Fed would lend up to $200 billion to holders of asset-backed securities supported by car loans, credit card loans, student loans, and business loans guaranteed by the Small Business Administration.

The program would be seeded with $20 billion in “credit protection” from the Treasury Department, which is drawing the money from the original $700 billion bailout.

Yowza. And all Wonkette asked for was a hot meal or two! But these dudes can drive down our interest rates any day they like.

So, the question of the day: what would you, dearest readers, prefer spiral-wise in the next few months: deflationary or inflationary? Inflation’s always the boogie man in the MSM, but you really wouldn’t like deflation either! Choose! YOU MUST CHOOSE.

U.S. Unveils New Program to Ease Credit [NYT]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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88 comments

  1. dannygutters

    I would like my father to pay me to mow the lawn again, that model worked for well over 13 years!

  2. AngryBlakGuy

    …well then again, runaway inflation might not be to bad. It would be awesome to payoff all my debt with a shyt pile of worthless money!!!

  3. Toomush Infermashun

    Deflation, definately…. my now valued 25 cents worth of retirement will be worth at least, well, 25 cents that way……

  4. CivicHoliday

    My choice is to return to the barter system. I have a relatively big yard – I can plant a garden and trade cabbage and kale for asprin and vodka. Or I can sell myself for a loaf of bread. Whatever involves less physical labor on my part.

  5. 4tehlulz

    I want deflation, because I don’t want to carry suitcases full of dollars to buy meth from Joe the Plumber.

    Also, I get to laugh at Paultards when they figure out that deflation fucks their precious gold in the ass.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Hmmmm….giving loans to people who can’t afford it. That sounds like a great idea. And not at all like what got us into this situation in the first place.

  7. Palin-Plumber2012

    [re=185680]Udargo[/re]: Haha – delete the comment if you must to avoid a Coulter-centric thread, but I think nothing embarrasses lefties like getting angry at Ann Coulter’s vaudevillian-like hate-baiting rants. It’s like rednecks who think wrestling is real and boo Triple H.

  8. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Choose? I’d flip a coin…if I had one. C’mon people! These pencils won’t sell themselves!

  9. JeffGoldblum

    Is this the same kind of TARP that we were supposed to duct tape to the side of our houses after 9/11? Because if it is I feel way more confident about the economy.

    Also, I am SooOOooOOoOoOO00 OVR making funz of Ann Coulter, too!

  10. TGY

    Inflation. Deflation is bad.

    Also, why are Indian chicks ‘in Georgia’ staring at me from the sidebar on the left? Oh, bharat matrimony. So I can just buy a take-away bride? Hot damn!

  11. NotNotLickingToads

    I don’t really get how solving America’s problems, which have partially to do with everybody being a terrible, awful debtor…can be solved by making it easier for banks to enable even more terrible, awful debt.

    I get it with the interbank lending and stuff, but not with the creating of more consumer debt and such.

    But really, I’m fascinated by sock monkeys, so what do I know?

  12. Toomush Infermashun

    “definitely”, sp. However, on reflection, not finite, at all, not even a little bit….Shorts, wait up..! I think I want mie monies, too…gimme, gimme, gimme….

  13. m_supercomputer

    Aw, man, I don’t like these economic crisis stories – I understand all the terms so little that the announcement was incomprehensible gibberish to me. Why don’t they explain things the Real Merkan Way and say a wizard did it? And/or a terrorist. Such as.

  14. qwerty42

    I think I’m going to sign on with the pirates. Not the ones in the place formerly known as “steeltown”. So I’m thinkin’ I’ll needs me a ship, I will (I think I need to watch Treasure Island a time or two to get the speech down), and I’ll be wantin’ to outfit her just so. Then I’ll be needin’ me a crew and all. I also need a tricorn hat and a cutlass. Can’t be a pirate without those. So, as the 401(k) sinks into the horizon, I’ll be settin’ sail.

  15. Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=185672]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:
    If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

    I tried to come up with a duller comment, but this song lyric will have to do.

  16. CivicHoliday

    “Author and controversial political pundit Ann Coulter is reported to have broken her jaw. According to the New York Post’s gossip column, Page Six, Coutler had to have her jaw wired shut due to the fracture.”

    I haz used the Googles and can’t find out HOW she broke her jaw, only that it appears to be broken and wired shut.

    Let’s come up with fun ideas of what happened, much to the displeasure of our comment-banning editors, eh?

    I think she was chasing after Obama’s motorcade, screaming obscenities, and tripped over her cock, falling face first into the pavement.

  17. magic titty

    I choose freedom.
    And I choose for SKS to not be such a hater. Non-existent-God-forbid us peoples say mean shit about Ann Coulter. All other easily targeted assholes like Joe the Plumber will remain good for mocking tho.

  18. Theodorick Of York

    [re=185690]Styrofoam Boots[/re]:

    Poor Styro died of obesity…158 grains overweight.

    Could have thrown yourself off the roof…deceleration sickness.

  19. bitchincamaro

    From mathforum.org:

    A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

    A billion minutes ago Jebus was alive.

    A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

    A billion dollars ago was only 5 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it.

  20. turdsandwich

    we sure that Paulson isn’t acting in concert with the office of faith-based initiatives?

    seriously, dude, fuck.

  21. norbizness

    I liked the standard announced in the previous post: comments will not be allowed on posts where they are likely to be “dull and objectionable.” Doesn’t the Douglas Adams phrase “disappears in a puff of logic” suggest itself?

  22. WadISay

    [re=185675]sanantonerose[/re]: Is this a great country or what? Plus, you could still get a cheeseburger in there yet.

  23. 4tehlulz

    [re=185738]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: Only if A) interest rates are fixed, and B) your income keeps up with the inflation.

    Otherwise, you are just as fucked as deflation, except maybe with more debt and a lower standard of living.

  24. shortsshortsshorts

    Paulson accidentally prefers “erection.” Not only does he have no goddamn idea what he’s doing, he is confusing home-Paulson with work-Paulson. What a prick.

  25. gurukalehuru

    [re=185675]sanantonerose[/re]: That’s the best looking thing I’ve ever seen on this site that wasn’t porn.

  26. snideinplainsight

    “All craft, prepare to jump into deflationspace on my mark.”

    “We’ve got to give those consumers more time, concentrate all fire on that super troubled credit market”

    Well, I tried.

  27. bhosp

    [re=185706]qwerty42[/re]: Good choice. Remember that pirates vs ninjas thing? I think it’s clear: Pirates Won.

  28. Anita Cocktail

    A propos of Ann Coulter, I heartily disagree with you. If making fun of Ann Coulter is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

  29. gurukalehuru

    How do you “break your jaw?” Generally, someone breaks it for you. Sounds to me like Ann messed with the wrong lady.

  30. Fivetree

    [re=185753]Anita Cocktail[/re]: Truly, it’s ThanksFUCKINGgiving fer chrissakes and we need an outlet for the schadenfreude (which, by the way, is seriously getting overworked as a word by now and we need to replace it with something else – any suggestions?).

    [re=185736]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: And just WHY is it “banned”, did her jaw get stuck around something that was, for once, bigger than her own big mouth? The public has a right to know.

  31. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    So Admiral Ackbar broke Ann Coulter’s jaw with Hank Paulson’s tarp? I’m so damned confused. *cries*

  32. Maus

    Hey guys you know that seven TRILLION dollar Fed bailout

    yeah we’re not allowed to know who it’s going to.

    Oh god I feel like a Paultard, so dirty.

  33. DangerousLiberal

    Uh, Jim….I was just telling my wife today about teh funny alt-texts on the pictures, which is what makes Wonkette (and by extension, America) great, and I notice few good alt-texts today. Don’t y’all have interns? All this stuff just cries out for alt-text. And today was a slow news day–imagine when something happens?

  34. Fivetree

    [re=185780]4tehlulz[/re]: Well, I have to admitt that I immediately “went there” when I heard the news. But perhaps it was a mere fall, a mishap, an accident. Was it chemically induced? Or was the Nazghul brought down by some hobbit (we are all hobbits next to that Amazonian creature).

  35. AfghanVet

    Obama would be President for life if on the 20th he recinded all bailouts, took the money and gave it to each person/family making under 100k a year. Let the businesses fail and their CEOs and other executive officers go broke. Let the financial managers and other Wharton graduates who have never known a real job and who couldn’t lead anything other than their cursor on a spreadsheet go and find a real job. Let the whole system come crashing down and start from scratch…a reverse Shock Doctrine if you will.

    The market exists to provide capital to companies and for the taking of the risk one is rewarded with dividends and or capital gains should stock price increase (due to actual production and sales of SOMETHING)and one chooses to sell. EVERYTHING else…all derivatives, hedges and other financial devices should be BANNED outright! Short selling should be the first to go. Insurance on a large investment should not be allowed to become a money-making instrument based on a bet that can easily be influenced by highly leveraged capital influxes with people who have the ability to get the media to “push” the market in a certain direction…one that coincides with their bets.

    The market became nothing more than a betting table with LESS rules than a old vegas casino. And now, we are bailing out the very people who bet other people money and lost it all because the pyramid scheme came crashing down. Not terribly smart. Tear off the bandaid quickly and the pain may be more acute, but it won’t last as long as peeling it slowly.

  36. infowars

    Here’s some context, from The Big Picture:

    If we add in the Citi bailout, the total cost now exceeds $4.6165 trillion dollars. The current Credit Crisis bailout is now the largest outlay In American history. The bailout has cost more than all of these big budget government expenditures – combined:

    • Marshall Plan: Cost: $12.7 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $115.3 billion
    • Louisiana Purchase: Cost: $15 million, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $217 billion
    • Race to the Moon: Cost: $36.4 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $237 billion
    • S&L Crisis: Cost: $153 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $256 billion
    • Korean War: Cost: $54 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $454 billion
    • The New Deal: Cost: $32 billion (Est), Inflation Adjusted Cost: $500 billion (Est)
    • Invasion of Iraq: Cost: $551b, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $597 billion
    • Vietnam War: Cost: $111 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $698 billion
    • NASA: Cost: $416.7 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $851.2 billion

    TOTAL: $3.92 trillion

    A trillion here, a trillion there, pretty soon you’re talking about real money.

  37. bitchincamaro

    [re=185675]sanantonerose[/re]: That looks unbelievably disgusting. But will smell unbelievably great.

  38. bitchincamaro

    [re=185768]Fivetree[/re]:

    “…schadenfreude…(replace it with something else – any suggestions?).”

    Second-hand boner?

  39. HuddledMass

    Can anyone explain why it wouldn’t be better to just give every adult a bunch of $$ to pay their own personal mortgage/car/credit card debt with? The banks get paid, the people keep their stuff, everybody starts over… It’s gotta be cheaper than this bullshit.

  40. sati demise

    [re=185932]HuddledMass[/re]: It would be better.

    but considering the banks and insurance company ‘created’ a ‘market’ that sucked up 800 times the total global economic output for a year, they either need 800 years, or massive amounts of money to cover their asses. Even all this money for ‘bailouts’ is not going to cover the massive fraud of this US America. We suck.

  41. sarahconnor

    Death by monkeys, of course. To be preceded by a slow and painful torture by the 30% interest rates on my maxed out credit cards.

    Oh yea, I am SO going to get a new credit card right now. TOTALLY. Great plan Hank. Now, could you please, oh please, just take a day or two in nature, with the birds, where you are happy and loved, before you yank my Marxist chain AGAIN. jerk

  42. null

    What’s up with the font in the NYT article? Is that some webmaster’s idea of an inflation joke?

    So, the Fed practically doubled the money supply in September, which is like saying to China, et al, that we’re only going to pay back 50 cents on the dollar.

    Now they’re “sending a message that they will print as much money as needed to revive the crippled banking system.” Which means that we will be paying our creditors even less.

    Is this a global shakedown, or what?

  43. sati demise

    [re=185984]null[/re]: yea, better pay off stuff before the prices ‘adjust’ to the money supply.

  44. groove

    I’m pulling up MS Paint right now so I can start printing out crude likenesses of cash. It’s more convenient than going to the ATM and worth just as much!

  45. hobospacejungle

    [re=185854]AfghanVet[/re]: Afghan Vet for Treasury Secretary!!

    Great explanation of how banks should operate & how they failed. If some thing a bank does is not helping to produce some thing of value it should be outlawed. Anything else is gambling with other people’s money and has nothing to do with capitalism. Rescind the bailouts, let them fail, cancel every credit default swap in existence and then outlaw this and all other gambling types of instruments.

    [re=185977]null[/re]: New Constitutional Convention — YES!!

  46. null

    [re=186085]Sans the Diaper[/re]: Funny, I thought the same thing. Would we have to stand around in knickers and pose for portraits with arms akimbo?

    On the other hand, if three-quarters of the state legislatures agree, we can take out the trash and flush the john.

    Actually, we’d probably have to replace the john. And the adjoining series of tubes. In Hazmat suits.

  47. WABishop

    [re=185894]infowars[/re]: I know this is a little late in the posting cycle, and y’all have moved on to kittens dressed as Hitler or some such thing, but this is important, so listen up:

    Rachel Maddow used the same statistics on her show last night but it’s a little misleading. These numbers assume that dollars in the past are the same as dollars now, as long as they have been adjusted for the change in consumer prices in the mean time. What this ignores is the society’s actual ability to pay for something. The Vietnam War, for example, was conducted in the context of a much smaller economy. $111 billion in 1973 was a much bigger piece of the pie, and not all measures of long-term inflation account for that. If we compare it to changes in the consumer price index (which follows the prices of common consumer items from month to month), $111 billion then is worth $517 billion now. But, if we compare it to the value of work, by how much an unskilled worker makes then versus now, it is worth $486 billion. And if we look at what share of the economy it represented then and apply it to today’s economy, it’s worth $1,108 billion.

    When comparing by the relative size of the economy, you find out that Bill Gates is a piker compared to the rich of the past. Rockefeller’s $900 million in 1913 commanded far more of the economy than Gates’s measly $57 billion ever did.

    This is a fascinating site if you like this sort of thing:
    http://www.measuringworth.com/uscompare/
    Wikipedia also has a great list of historical rich folk:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_most_wealthy_historical_figures

  48. denner

    You guys are masters of Google image search and photoshop. This image gets 10 Oscars and two Golden Globes. And a Tony, for kicks…

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