United States Government Unveils ‘TARP II: THE CURSE OF BERNANKE’S GOLD’

  buy canned goods!

Whoa hey… whoa… what the hell? “The United States government unveiled $800 billion worth of new loans and debt purchases on Tuesday, hoping another massive infusion of cash would smooth troubled credit markets and make borrowing easier for homebuyers, small businesses and students.” Ha ha, it’s like the original TARP, but for consumers and eggheads — and this time, to hell with the Congressional “funding approval”! It’s much easier for Hank Paulson to drag his ass to a podium some random Tuesday morning and just start stone cold announcin’ the motherfucker.

How does one Hank “Henry” Paulson pull the slip on Congress and stealthily announce $800 billion in new gov’t purchases? The American Way, of course! He calls his indentured servant Ben Bernanke — who entered into such a lopsided slavery deal with Paulson because he, well, blew his load by cutting all of the good targeted interest rates to the floor too early, and the markets didn’t give a toot beyond a 15-20 minute stock rally, before plummeting again forever, rendering Bernanke powerless (but still wanting a piece of the action!) — and asks him to print a shit-ton of money, with which they will buy actual shit:

The Federal Reserve said it would buy up to $600 billion in mortgage-backed assets from government-sponsored mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. It would buy up to $100 billion in debt directly from the companies and up to $500 billion in mortgage-backed securities.

“This action is being taken to reduce the cost and increase the availability of credit for the purchase of houses, which in turn should support housing markets and foster improved conditions in financial markets more generally,” the Federal Reserve said in a statement.

Separately, the Fed and Treasury Department announced a $200 billion program to ease commercial lending on debt like student loans, car loans or business loans. The Fed would lend up to $200 billion to holders of asset-backed securities supported by car loans, credit card loans, student loans, and business loans guaranteed by the Small Business Administration.

The program would be seeded with $20 billion in “credit protection” from the Treasury Department, which is drawing the money from the original $700 billion bailout.

Yowza. And all Wonkette asked for was a hot meal or two! But these dudes can drive down our interest rates any day they like.

So, the question of the day: what would you, dearest readers, prefer spiral-wise in the next few months: deflationary or inflationary? Inflation’s always the boogie man in the MSM, but you really wouldn’t like deflation either! Choose! YOU MUST CHOOSE.

U.S. Unveils New Program to Ease Credit [NYT]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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