THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL  12:21 pm November 25, 2008

Joe The Plumber’s Life Officially Becomes Off-Putting David Lynch Film

by Jim Newell

We don’t know how to adequately explain the footage here. Unlicensed craftsman Samuel Wurzelbacher, who is also known as “Joe the Plumber,” is doing commercials for some cheap-ass electronics online scam store, in which he both stresses the importance of and promises to offer personal instructions for setting up an analog-to-digital teevee converter that the olds and the hobbits will all have to purchase before February 2009, or else they’ll miss new episodes of their favorite program, Numb3rs.

“This isn’t about politics — it’s about doing the right thing,” Joe the Plumber declares at the outset of this video, gently defusing America’s fear that this introductory how-to ad about installing cheap new robot widgets or whatever to the teevee would suddenly devolve into a political rant about illegal Mexicans or the legality of doubling property taxes on seasonal vacation homes.

Later, however, Joe tells us that this is, in fact, about politics. Homeland security, namely.

America, we’ve never had a transition of this magnitude in the United States. The DTV transition affects the public safety of the United States, so it’s imperative that all Americans come together and learn all we can about the DTV transition…

Imperative that we all “come together”? Whatever you say Karl. Oh our bad, your name isn’t Karl at all, it’s Joe! (Samuel?) It was just that you sounded so much like Karl Marx, when you said that.

We could type about this video for 500 hours. The production values are staggering. He reads in monotone. About the teevee. You see what’s going on here, right? The 24% of this country that will sob if a Palin/Plumber ticket doesn’t seize the White House in 2012 will do anything this man says. And he’s telling them to buy a space gizmo from a shady looking mail-in outlet if they want to have any chance whatsoever of not getting killed by Terrorists immediately.

Joe’s DTV Education Corner [Velocity Store]

 
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{ 101 comments }

ManchuCandidate November 25, 2008 at 12:26 pm

For a moment I thought I was in some wormhole back to 1984 because it seems to me that this was a commercial for Vic-20s and Commodore 64s.

SystemError November 25, 2008 at 12:27 pm

Oh the irony of Joe the Plumber hawking a device in which you get a federal subsidy to purchase.

shortsshortsshorts November 25, 2008 at 12:27 pm

JESUS CAN I PLEASE CAPITALIZE ON MY NAME TOO NOW?
I mean fuck! Can this guy sail away with Mike Murphy or something?

BarthexDeRosa November 25, 2008 at 12:27 pm

Tell the olds not to worry, Joe! Their TV gadgets may be futurizin’ too fast for ‘em, but we’re bringing back a comfortably familiar world of hobos and pirates.

checkonechecktwo November 25, 2008 at 12:28 pm

Damn, I hope Joe the Plumber is more skilled at his trade than Joe the Cable Guy. Because neither of them can compare to the stagnant stench of Joe the Political Hack.

Texan Bulldoggette November 25, 2008 at 12:28 pm

Thanks, Joe, but I’ll just go to Best Buy & get some pimply little 17-year-old nerd from the local HS A/V club to fill me in on all this complicated high-techy stuff. Maybe you & Billie Mayes can get together & yell at us about a new grout cleaner or super glue.

magic titty November 25, 2008 at 12:28 pm

What the fuck, with this guy? This is the most horrible excuse for anything ever. Maybe the same people who produce the Robin Byrd show are at work here.

Though, it is making me pine for the days of ‘Crazy Eddie’ electronics commercials.
(sorry – that might be strictly a NYC in the 80′s reference)

magic titty = elitist

Dave J. November 25, 2008 at 12:29 pm

“They are the only retailer to offer instructions in English, Spanish, and Chinese.”

Uh oh, wait ’til Lou Dobbs hears about this.

freakishlystrong November 25, 2008 at 12:29 pm

JHTFC, Joe, the 16 minutes…

MISTAHCOUGHDROP November 25, 2008 at 12:29 pm

I’m thinking of dedicating my song, I HAVE A CAR to Joe the Plumber. He does have a license to drive at least, no?

Take a ride: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqAcIpGY8Nw

4tehlulz November 25, 2008 at 12:29 pm

Meth addiction makes you do strange things for money.

You know, there is a point when sucking cock for cash in a 7-11 bathroom is more dignified than doing TV; Joe has passed that point.

AngryBlakGuy November 25, 2008 at 12:30 pm

…how long before FAUX News names him as Allan Colmes replacement?

Noodle Salad November 25, 2008 at 12:31 pm

The Chinese version of this site is hilariously incompetent. The characters switch from Taiwanese to Mainland varieties with no rhyme or reason, they managed to write the year 2009 wrong, the top of the left sidebar reads “start from here” and the words “for quantities of greater understanding” are written above Joe the Plumber’s head. He’s like the Maoist Mr. Sparkle.

loganmo November 25, 2008 at 12:32 pm

That is the strangest item of the day…other than Sullivan’s dog playing with a dead duck http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/11/a-beagle-and-a.html

Kev-O-Tron November 25, 2008 at 12:33 pm

Ha! I’m way ahead of the game on this. Kev the Otron has been twisting the bunny ears on a fancy space widget DTV antenna for six months.

MISTAHCOUGHDROP November 25, 2008 at 12:33 pm

Joe the Plumber : Racing at the speed of light towards an eternity as a footnote.

Anonymous Office Zombie November 25, 2008 at 12:34 pm

He didn’t look into the camera once while he was reading his dumb script about the safety of the TV nation. Not even at the end when he said thank you.

This man surely has a bright media career ahead of him. He’ll be making waaayyy over $250,000 in no time.

Fivetree November 25, 2008 at 12:34 pm

Didn’t we pass the expiration date on Mr. Whorezelbacher, like, 3 weeks ago? Can we get him together with Elliot Spitzer’s hooker? Can’t he just be made to go away? I already was sick to death of him midway through the 3rd debate. The words “Joe”, “the” and “Plumber” should never be allowed to exist in the same sentence ever again.

V572625694 November 25, 2008 at 12:35 pm

Joe said he coulda had a multi-million-dollar advance from Farrar Strauss & Giroux, but he’s too much of a working man to take cash from New York elitists.

Ya gotta admit, he’s hit his sweet spot here, demographically speaking.

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2008 at 12:36 pm

The DTV transition affects the public safety of the United States, so it’s imperative that all Americans come together and learn all we can about the DTV transition…

Which is true — if the people who listen to Joe the DTV Converter Salesmen are out drinking because they can no longer watch Pick the Suitcase With Twenty Dollars In It or whateverthefuck it’s called, then I’m staying home. These people have no business operating anything more dangerous than a can opener.

mocowbell November 25, 2008 at 12:37 pm

Oh dear. He’s wanting to help “non English speaking communities” with their confusing DTV widget thingys? No good can come of that. Oh no Joe! Say it ain’t so!

Fivetree November 25, 2008 at 12:38 pm

BTW, did anyone hear that Ann Coulter’s jaw had to be wired shut? Seriously, I am reconsidering my atheism.

choinski November 25, 2008 at 12:38 pm

So Joe the Plumber views the world as a binary choice: either its ‘about politics’ or ‘doing the right thing’. Ergo, his politics are the wrong thing?

Monkey November 25, 2008 at 12:39 pm

[re=185553]magic titty[/re]: magic titty = elitist

I knew it!

m_supercomputer November 25, 2008 at 12:42 pm

I’m fully convinced that, any day now, Joe the Plumber will tear off his mask, and underneath? Sasha Baron Cohen, who’s been filming an even-more-surreal Borat follow-up all this time. Oh, the merry laughs we’ll all have then!

Anonymous Office Zombie November 25, 2008 at 12:43 pm

[re=185560]Noodle Salad[/re]:
Sounds like the Chinese equivalent of All Your Base Are Belong to Us.

TGY November 25, 2008 at 12:43 pm

What is it with the persistence of these fuckers? Someone needs to invent Ass-Clown-Away as a spray repellent.

Kwame' November 25, 2008 at 12:44 pm

That video reminds me of Tex & Ed Boil’s Organ Emporium from SCTV.

cockfightbarmitzvah November 25, 2008 at 12:45 pm

Screw this DTV conversion shiat. They’ll have to pry the rabbit ears for my Zenith B&W TV from my cold, dead hands!

shortsshortsshorts November 25, 2008 at 12:46 pm

I hope Joe writes a book or two. There is nothing more satisfying than defecating repeatedly onto a Republican romance novel about self-promoting autistic tax-evasion.

p-Sludge ofTheElves November 25, 2008 at 12:46 pm
MoodProcessor November 25, 2008 at 12:48 pm

Why the fear?

Is that the only language people understand anymore?

Public safety!

Anybody seen Hee-Haw on digital TeeVee yet?

AngryBlakGuy November 25, 2008 at 12:49 pm

…I wish someone would cram his ass into one of those turkey grinder, death cone thing-a-majigs!

Sarah Palin (vp@whitehouse.gov) November 25, 2008 at 12:50 pm

So why no turkey shredders behind HIM, eh? Also.

-SP

JeffGoldblum November 25, 2008 at 12:50 pm

It appears that Wonkette hates TRUE AMERICUN PATRIOTS!!!!!1 This is a sad, sad day.

MoodProcessor November 25, 2008 at 12:54 pm

[re=185590]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: That’ll be great to watch on the new space tvs.

tunamelt November 25, 2008 at 12:54 pm

Analog? Fuck that shit, DIGITAL CABLE!

PortlandSmartAss November 25, 2008 at 12:55 pm

So he can plumb (well, without a license, but still), and can read (well, sort of). He should run for office because the 20% of the populace who still thinks Bush is hunky-dory will say to themselves, “hey, I’d have a beer with this guy (as long as he buys).”

jasonelias November 25, 2008 at 12:55 pm

Did he make this commercial in 1993 because that’s where that shirt’s from.

donner_froh November 25, 2008 at 12:56 pm

[re=185553]magic titty[/re]: Everyone knows about Crazy Eddie commercials.

Serolf Divad November 25, 2008 at 12:57 pm

I can’t decide whether this is better than or almost as good as his doing porn. I assume that will come later, so this will do for now.

tunamelt November 25, 2008 at 12:57 pm

The antenna represent love.

Palin-Plumber2012 November 25, 2008 at 12:57 pm

“The 24% of this country that will sob if a Palin/Plumber ticket doesn’t seize the White House in 2012 will do anything this man says.”

My point exactly.

Paterlanger November 25, 2008 at 12:59 pm

[re=185546]SystemError[/re]: Thank you! That really is the last thing that needs to be said about this moron. And you said it so I got nuthin’.

gambypants November 25, 2008 at 12:59 pm

joe (sammy) has principles. you people need to look up that word in the dictionary. now. WHILE THE OFFER LASTS. ACT NOW. argh. when is this guy going to be nominated for secretary of commerce.

http://www.charlietueats.com

tunamelt November 25, 2008 at 12:59 pm

[re=185597]jasonelias[/re]: If so, how prescient.

obfuscator November 25, 2008 at 1:00 pm

[re=185553]magic titty[/re]: Crazy Eddie sells stereos at such low prices, he MUST be suffering from a severe mental illness! His prices are insaaaane.

populucious November 25, 2008 at 1:01 pm

America, we’ve never had a transition of this magnitude in the United States.

Oh, totally. I mean, ending a slave based economic system, the invention of mass production, the interstate transportation system, the New Deal, the telephone, the inter-tubes and landing on the freakin moon are NOTHING compared to this wresting of rabbit ears away from the aged.

Forget that DTV box people…don’t you recognize the sign to run for your abandoned Y2K shelter when you see it?

GollyGeeWilly November 25, 2008 at 1:08 pm

God Damn it, when is this guy gonna fix my FUCKING toilet!!!! Answer the fucking phone Joe Samuel Karl Marx Warzensomthing!!!! FIX MY FUCKING TOILET!!!!!!

Noodle Salad November 25, 2008 at 1:09 pm

[re=185582]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: The site was clearly just run through a terrible translation program. On the other hand, it’s probably what Sarah Palin would sound like if she spoke Mandarin, so maybe they are hitting such as their target audience also.

One Yield Regular November 25, 2008 at 1:10 pm

Christ, just how big is that cue card? He looks like he’s watching a tennis match.

I watched that with the sound down as I’m in the office; it took me at least 5 seconds to realize the image was moving.

Giant Robot November 25, 2008 at 1:19 pm

Gracias mi hermano Jose!! Gracias!!! Yo tengo mucho miedo (MUCHO MIEDO!!!!) en la maldita conversion a DTV!!! Estoy en mi casa sin ayuda de NADIE!!! – ni Obama, ni Palin!!! Que DIOS TE BENDIGA por el amor que tienes para las pobres comunidades mexicanas y chinas. Yo espero tus videos en español my amigo, JOSE EL PLOMERO!!

zetetic November 25, 2008 at 1:21 pm

[re=185553]magic titty[/re]: We have “Crazy Gideon” in LA who is keeping the whole Crazy Eddie thing alive — his commercials even have that crappy ’80s low budget feel.

Mustang November 25, 2008 at 1:22 pm

Holy Moley. Holy Moley. Most high Holiest Moley. This is as strange as it gets.

NoWireHangers November 25, 2008 at 1:24 pm

But will my Betamax still work, Joe? I’ve got a full season of the A Team that I refuse to part with.

Anonymous Office Zombie November 25, 2008 at 1:26 pm

[re=185616]Noodle Salad[/re]:
If only Sarah Palin spoke Mandarin. Oh, if only.

A world in which Joe tries to become a big hit in China with Sarah Palin as his translator and us as their audience is just too wonderful to exist.

Monsieur Grumpe' November 25, 2008 at 1:27 pm

What? No Ginsu knives?

TeddyS November 25, 2008 at 1:31 pm

Joe, when you get through bein’ all famed up with the teevees, can you come over to my place and unplug the toilet again?

sezme November 25, 2008 at 1:32 pm

Surely he’s just trying to break that magic $250 large barrier this year in order to prove a point. Too bad he only got famous in October. He’s never going to make it and he knows. That’s why his heart just isn’t in it. Joe haz a sad.

Team Arctic November 25, 2008 at 1:32 pm

Watching this I ask myself, How did Obama not win with 70% of the vote?

AngryBlakGuy November 25, 2008 at 1:33 pm

…is it me or does this video have that grainy “suicide bomber” production quality?

sevenrepeat November 25, 2008 at 1:33 pm

I thought it was charming…..in a psycho,serial killer, lizard person kind of way.

monty November 25, 2008 at 1:35 pm

so if i buy it do i get a shamwow?

Schadenfried November 25, 2008 at 1:35 pm

[re=185553]magic titty[/re]: Nope, Crazy Eddie reared its head in Philly too.

The Court TV special they did on him was full of win.

Mustang November 25, 2008 at 1:37 pm

This is like those horrible hostage tapes.

Sassette November 25, 2008 at 1:38 pm

[re=185553]magic titty[/re]: Do not insult the noble house of Crazy Eddie by comparing him to this rabble!

Noodle Salad November 25, 2008 at 1:38 pm

[re=185636]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: Long Live Chairman Plumber and his Alaskan Empress Dowager!

gjdodger November 25, 2008 at 1:41 pm

[re=185599]Serolf Divad[/re]: He will do porn. Palin will co-star. Lynch will produce it. It will be called Twin Geeks.

shortsshortsshorts November 25, 2008 at 1:41 pm

I NOMINATE (with Serolf David as an exception) that all who post their stupid blogs are BANNED, unilaterally, FOREVER.

That is all.

Maus November 25, 2008 at 1:43 pm

[re=185588]p-Sludge ofTheElves[/re]: As long as the story ends the same, I’m fine with the comparison.

Schadenfried November 25, 2008 at 1:43 pm

[re=185614]GollyGeeWilly[/re]: That would be a good sign for a Joe the Plumber rally, it’s the new “Iron My Shirt!”

JohnnyMeatworth November 25, 2008 at 1:54 pm

“don’t be a good plumber to her. i’ll send you a love letter…STRAIGHT FROM MY HEART, FUCKER!!!”

Mr Blifil November 25, 2008 at 1:59 pm

I liked Joe better when he posed for the cover of “Flex Your Head.” Or was it Black Flag’s “Rise Above?”

hobospacejungle November 25, 2008 at 2:04 pm

Gallery Furniture really will…save you MONEY!!!!

I don’t wanna make money…I just love to sell guns.

ella November 25, 2008 at 2:11 pm

Jeebus, that made me long for the guy who sells Sham Wows.

CivicHoliday November 25, 2008 at 2:13 pm

The real question here, kiddies, is what did they PAY him to do this? 5K? 10K? If he got over 20, I’m going to shave my head, start a fake plumbing business, and get the RNC to adopt me so that I can make thousands of dollars for doing a shitty job, as long as I show my face.

captainjuice November 25, 2008 at 2:37 pm

I love the way that you can literally see his eyes scanning left to right over the words in front of him.

lazynamepicker November 25, 2008 at 2:39 pm

Jeez, this is sad. This man’s life has hit its apex. It’s all downhill from there.

RabidHamster November 25, 2008 at 2:51 pm

[re=185661]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I second that nomination!

http://eatmyshortsshortsshorts.com

freeradical November 25, 2008 at 2:52 pm

[re=185560]Noodle Salad[/re]: “He’s like the Maoist Mr. Sparkle.” I will now laugh for ever and ever. Amen.

Borat November 25, 2008 at 3:04 pm

After this fine performance I think Joe will have the upper hand. He now has pleanty for time to mull over his next project and demand a meaningful role

ShamWow November 25, 2008 at 3:06 pm

[re=185719]ella[/re]: Thanks!

Jewdishoowary Square November 25, 2008 at 3:36 pm

VELOCITYSTORE.COM? What a great name. Keep an eye out for MY new online electronics ventures, MOMENTUMSHOP.COM, FORCEBOUTIQUE.COM, ACCELERATIONMART.COM, and so on until Newtonian physics runs out of words.

Jukesgrrl November 25, 2008 at 3:37 pm

[re=185553]magic titty[/re]: Crazy Eddie’s commercials must have been transmitted through teeth fillings because I used to get them in Pittsburgh. I thought it was BECAUSE I’M CRAZY!!!, but now I know it’s because I’m elitist. Thanks for clarifying that.

JoethePoster November 25, 2008 at 3:37 pm

This guy is a plumber in the same sense that The Undertaker is an undertaker.

Props to the year 1988 for producing this, though. Outstanding.

chauncey November 25, 2008 at 4:31 pm

Now that I think about it, what I most wish the press had asked McCain or Palin was if Joe the Plumber was more qualified than Barack Obama to be president. Only the highest hilarity could follow.

coolcatdaddy November 25, 2008 at 4:39 pm

This commercial is obviously aimed at an audience that finds Billy Mays to be too emotionally intense.

Sort of the way that the McCain campaign aimed Joe the Plumber at voters who found Sarah Palin too intellectually intense.

blader November 25, 2008 at 5:27 pm

Someone needs to dig up his back yard to find the skeletons.
You know they’re there.

Keram2 November 25, 2008 at 6:08 pm

My brain just threw up in my skull.

Advocatus_Diaboli November 25, 2008 at 6:25 pm

Fuck Ya! He said queue-pon, just like I knew he would.

Thanks Joe the Scab; now come fix my shitter!

Scandalabra November 25, 2008 at 6:27 pm

Dealer on my corner offered me some” Joe the Plumber’s crack”. I declined.

PJ November 25, 2008 at 6:59 pm

The real problem is that even when my teevee stops up from no signal transmission, his image can still get into my house through the tubes.

Actually, I’m looking forward to not having a working television. Again. It’ll be back to the 50′s in my house.

rocktonsammy November 25, 2008 at 10:10 pm

At a boy Joe the Dummer on your new book all set for release!

Damn, when you put crayon to paper you really go to town.

Did your publishers pay you plumbers wages?

The book you write is one more that you’ve over read.

GO AWAY!

rocktonsammy November 25, 2008 at 10:14 pm

[re=186141]rocktonsammy[/re]:

*EVER READ

chascates November 25, 2008 at 10:55 pm

And how long before a chastened Joe the Plumber appears on E! telling about his fall from stardom into a life of sniffing pipe dope?

font9a November 26, 2008 at 2:40 am

>>>“This isn’t about politics — it’s about doing the right thing,” Joe the Plumber declares at the outset of this video, gently defusing America’s fear that this introductory how-to ad about installing cheap new robot widgets or whatever to the teevee would suddenly devolve into a political rant about illegal Mexicans or the legality of doubling property taxes on seasonal vacation homes.

My response comes from 1964:

General Ripper: Do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream, Mandrake? Children’s ice cream!…You know when fluoridation began?…1946. 1946, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It’s incredibly obvious, isn’t it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any choice. That’s the way your hard-core Commie works. I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love…Yes, a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence. I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women…women sense my power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women, Mandrake…but I do deny them my essence”

– Well, I for shore deny them wymens my essence.

- f9a

font9a November 26, 2008 at 2:41 am

[re=185837]Borat[/re]: like Spinal Tap’s seminal album, “Smell the Glove”

palmerdawg November 26, 2008 at 6:28 am

I am all snark out from the all the Joe and Sarah debacle and crazy shenanigans.
They should be arrested by the competence police………..Jeepers!!!!!!!!!

scottco November 26, 2008 at 4:34 pm

The site has an option to be informed of the next “Joe” video. I asked them to inform me if they post a video of Joe pulling his head from his ass. “snicker”

Czn939 November 27, 2008 at 12:25 am

[re=185611]populucious[/re]:
This just goes to show that Fear sells more than Seks.

Heywood Floyd December 1, 2008 at 4:34 pm

This isn’t about politics. It’s about something far more important. TEEVEE!

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