FAILED STATES  10:27 am November 25, 2008

Russian Expert: America To Separate Into Breakaway Republics

by Sara K. Smith

Down with federalism!Ha ha, remember after the 2004 elections people emailed each other maps showing the sane parts of America getting absorbed into Canada and the rest turning into a squalid nation of Cheetos-addicted wingnuts called Jesusland? A Russian “expert” has now reached a similar conclusion about America — that we are doomed to decline and a dissolution of the union in the near future. Like, by spring. (Oh, and Russia gets Alaska back! Bonus.)

Here is the deal:

Asked why he expected the U.S. to break up into separate parts, he said: “A whole range of reasons. Firstly, the financial problems in the U.S. will get worse. … Dissatisfaction is growing, and at the moment it is only being held back by the elections and the hope that Obama can work miracles. But by spring, it will be clear that there are no miracles.”

He also cited the “vulnerable political setup”, “lack of unified national laws”, and “divisions among the elite, which have become clear in these crisis conditions.”

He predicted that the U.S. will break up into six parts – the Pacific coast, with its growing Chinese population; the South, with its Hispanics; Texas, where independence movements are on the rise; the Atlantic coast, with its distinct and separate mentality; five of the poorer central states with their large Native American populations; and the northern states, where the influence from Canada is strong.

So there you go, Texans, quit your complaining about the terrible Yankees! You get to be your own country again. And you, you filthy North Dakotans, you can just go back to Canada. In the meantime, the Russians will have a chance to invade yet another Georgia, which they are welcome to keep.


Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


TGY November 25, 2008 at 10:32 am

Ah, via Drudge. Figures.

InsidiousTuna November 25, 2008 at 10:33 am

I live in Texas. I am all for selling it back to the Mexicans or whatever. Fuck this state. Living here has actually made me miss DC, which I thought impossible.

TaxWallStreet November 25, 2008 at 10:33 am

I, for one, welcome our new overlords. Besides, everyone knows when Xenu comes back all bets are off.

Cape Clod November 25, 2008 at 10:33 am

He’s late to the game. I think Vonnegut predicted the same thing in ‘Slapstick’.

monty November 25, 2008 at 10:34 am

they can have alaska and long as they take the governer with it

Serolf Divad November 25, 2008 at 10:34 am

I was going to be all snarky and make a joke about this joke of an analyst, but then I saw the link you posted and… HOLY CRAP… IT’S FROM DRUDGE!!!! So it must be true.

At any rate, I’ll just have to sit around enjoying the company of my friends and neighbors with their distinct and separate mentality and let the southwest deal with the Mexicans and you guys on the West Coast can figure out what to do with the chinks and gooks.

Monkey November 25, 2008 at 10:35 am

I’m good with it.

hedgehog November 25, 2008 at 10:36 am

Um, if the price of crude keeps dropping, the ruble gets further devalued and the Moscow stock exchange continues to crash (if it ever reopens), Ivan ought to worry about his own Russian ass.

gjdodger November 25, 2008 at 10:38 am

Damn, Customs for the NCAA basketball tournament is gonna be a nightmare.

magic titty November 25, 2008 at 10:38 am

Haha. Russians. Just because you have to suffer the indignity of seeing Slovakia, The Ukraine, and Uzbekistan on a map, doesn’t mean we have to.

AngryBlakGuy November 25, 2008 at 10:38 am

…my solution is give the Messicans Texas back along with a fruit basket and apology. Then can raise raise hell with the French until they give us a refund on the Louisiana purchase. That will leave us with just a tolerable amount of Jesus freaks in the Appalachian north.

sham69 November 25, 2008 at 10:39 am

We have a unified, extremely powerful, loyal and federally controlled military. So, no Russian dude you are dumb.

Borat November 25, 2008 at 10:39 am

I think one of those chain emails from 2004 finally made it to this guy and he took it seriously.

Serolf Divad November 25, 2008 at 10:40 am

And oh, yeah… when I’m crowned supreme Ayatollah of the Great Northeast I won’t require passports for visitors from the West Coast. But those of you in the South and Midwest better have your papers in order and not plan on overstaying your Visas. You’ll need a work permit if you want to stay and mow our lawns.

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2008 at 10:41 am

[re=185399]magic titty[/re]: Because most US Americans don’t have maps, such as.

ManchuCandidate November 25, 2008 at 10:41 am

As your new Canada City Overlord, I welcome you.

Here are some things you might need to know:
1) Learn to say “eh” after each sentence.
2) Our beer is slightly stronger
3) Our health care is single payer. Don’t fuck it up or we ship you to Tejas.
4) Learn to like doughnuts and Pizza
5) Poutine is Poo-teen, not Poontang or Poo-tine.
6) We have our own version of Tejas, we call it Alberta.
7) Each region in Canada hates each other, but they hate Toronto (for some justified reasons) even more (Alberta is a close second.)
8) A woolen hat is known as a Touque.

AngryBlakGuy November 25, 2008 at 10:41 am

…or we could just ship all the gays/lesbian to the red states so that all the natural disasters God sends go there!

Texan Bulldoggette November 25, 2008 at 10:43 am

Texans love the Yankees (who are white). However if you’re brown, black or any other color that cannot be represented on paper with an Ecru crayon (I believe Crayola calls it ‘flesh-colored’), you might not want to be in some parts of this fine state after dark.

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2008 at 10:43 am

Here’s some insight from this “leading Russian political analyst:”
The country’s foreign debt has grown like an avalanche, even though in the early 1980s there was no debt.
One could probably get more accurate economic advice from Ben Stein.

Breakfast Bourbon November 25, 2008 at 10:43 am

El Sur se elevara de nuevo?
Apparently si se puede.

DieOnTheTurnpike November 25, 2008 at 10:44 am

I’m all for a place where my “distinct and separate mentality” can flourish without being hampered by folks who think peeing on an electric fence is good ol’ boy fun or mongoloids who prey that jebus will save their mortgage.

MoodProcessor November 25, 2008 at 10:45 am

I say sell Texas as quickly as possible, before the next cat5 hurricane comes blowing in and submerges Houston forevah.
At which point, we invade, re-take and then sell the tracts of virgin shorefront property to Dubai.

Hells Yes!

Borat November 25, 2008 at 10:45 am

So will the mayor of Jesusland be Jeebus or Hay-soos?

southernbitch November 25, 2008 at 10:46 am

ah, crap. i was pronouncing this shit while drunk four or five years ago. i guess i should’ve written some crackpot article about it. or not. it helps that in the south, secession is never far from the mind and hearts of millions. i’ve been living with this talk for-ev-er.

The Decider November 25, 2008 at 10:46 am

Alaska being given back to Russia? There’s a squirrel/moose joke in there somewhere.

bhosp November 25, 2008 at 10:46 am

That map scares the trucknutz out of me, here in VA.


Son of Mark Penn November 25, 2008 at 10:46 am

Ah yes, the massive ~10% Asian-American population on the Pacific Coast.

MathewBrooks November 25, 2008 at 10:46 am

[re=185406]SayItWithWookies[/re]: and suchlike

monty November 25, 2008 at 10:47 am

everybody knows that california is going to break off and float away so i say we give that to me-hico along with texas. arizona willl become the dmz. nevada will become the new-new-amsterdam.

doberhauser November 25, 2008 at 10:47 am

Thankfully, Minnesnowta is included in the United States of Canada!

AngryBlakGuy November 25, 2008 at 10:48 am

…and if anyone knows anything about shitty economies, rogue break-away nations and corruption it would be the Russians! How quickly can we re-arm Georgia?!

Cape Clod November 25, 2008 at 10:49 am

I’m getting the feeling that Virginia and North Carolina know that the Balkinization of the USA is coming and are starting to align themselves politically with the Northeast. Frankly I don’t blame them.

Giant Robot November 25, 2008 at 10:51 am

Jesusland? I thought we all agreed on ‘Dumbfuckistan’

queeraselvis v 2.0 November 25, 2008 at 10:51 am

Wait, “the South, with its Hispanics.” Yo quiero Rebel Yell?

AngryBlakGuy November 25, 2008 at 10:53 am

…I live in Miami, PLEEEEEAAAASE don’t give us to the Jesus Freaks!!!

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2008 at 10:54 am

[re=185416]The Decider[/re]: I just feel sorry for the poor bastard who’ll have to teach Sarah Palin to speak Russian.

texette November 25, 2008 at 10:55 am

Oh no, no, no!!! I’m in Austin! Don’t leave us behind! Take us with you!

gambypants November 25, 2008 at 10:56 am

this gives sarah palin a great opportunity to unify the nation and make war with putin’s looming head

Giant Robot November 25, 2008 at 10:56 am

[re=185407]ManchuCandidate[/re]: One of things I love most about Canadians is that they use the word ‘Jesus’ as an adjective, as in “It’s Jesus cold out there…” or “George Bush is so Jesus stupid”. Your slang is Jesus cool.

gambypants November 25, 2008 at 10:56 am

this gives sarah palin a great opportunity to unify the nation and make war with putin’s looming head

HuskyMescan November 25, 2008 at 10:58 am

[re=185436]texette[/re]: We’ll start a very cool island. We’ll just have to keep out the leander and bastrop people the fuck out.

btwbfdimho November 25, 2008 at 11:00 am

In other words, the Mexican pot will reach the border with Canada. Very bad news.

WadISay November 25, 2008 at 11:00 am

[re=185416]The Decider[/re]: Also a “better dead than red” joke. Between the Rooskies and the Repubs, the Alaskans are equally screwed.

donner_froh November 25, 2008 at 11:00 am

To be a pundit in Russia one needs the same quality of analysis, amount of strategic knowledge and ability to grasp the obvious as one does in the US. Clearly, none.

Citizen Kang November 25, 2008 at 11:01 am

[re=185392]Serolf Divad[/re]:

As a gook I resemble that remark.

hedgehog November 25, 2008 at 11:07 am

From this day on, the official language of the Atlantic Coast will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now 16 years old.

Darehead November 25, 2008 at 11:09 am


Jesusland (AKA “Real America”)
Elitist America
Republic of Lakota
Southern California

checkonechecktwo November 25, 2008 at 11:09 am

Can we split Chicago into two countries? stupid sox fans…

Pope Priapus November 25, 2008 at 11:10 am


Servo November 25, 2008 at 11:11 am

I always said that the heavily-populated region from Boston to Virginia Beach should become one state, since all of the inclusive cities gooble up their respective state’s resources.

DarkSynergy November 25, 2008 at 11:12 am

[re=185433]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Do not fear, I’m sure we will find some way to incorporate you into the US of A. We still need our drugs right?

Piss, Indiana is part of the God fuckers crowd…. I’m moving to Illinois.

Miller November 25, 2008 at 11:15 am

I live in PA, either through Canada or the Northeastern Republic of Freedonia I’m getting absorbed into a breakaway socialist paradise. Enjoy Jesus based Texas rule, Mexico touchers!

4tehlulz November 25, 2008 at 11:16 am

Cool; this means all my tax money won’t subsidize morons in Mississippi and Alabama anymore.

Instead, I’ll be subsidizing morons closer to home, which is a little better, at least.

donner_froh November 25, 2008 at 11:18 am

[re=185459]checkonechecktwo[/re]: Not two countries but breakaway republics are in vogue. The Cubs fans in Azerbaijan while the White Sox fans will be in the Naxcivan Autonomous Republic. Might need observers/peacekeepers from Canada to keep the lid on communal violence as the inevitable migrations of now landless and embittered baseball fans from north to south and south to north occur.

Styrofoam Boots November 25, 2008 at 11:22 am

I’ve been saying this for the past year! I can’t wait for this to happen!!!

IonaTrailer November 25, 2008 at 11:27 am

My BFF in Virginia said that the towns of Dumfries and Manasses have decided to merge into a new municipality called Dumasses. It will stay in Jesusland.

Special Agent Jack Mehoff November 25, 2008 at 11:33 am

I feel like Texas would be the most belligerent country. I will go there.

randomsausage November 25, 2008 at 11:36 am

I’m all for the West coast going it’s own way…California, Oregon, WA. However to be boxed in by Jesusland to the East is not good….so my suggestion is that the new Great Western Alliance (TM) immediately invade Mexico so that we have access to the Carribbean, Gulf of Mexico etc. That exposes the soft under-belly of Jesusistan to our all powerful (and probably gay) storm-troopers, if conflict ever comes. We of course give full constitutional rights to our new Mexican citizens….we don’t want a tequila-fueled Palestine on our hands after all.

I think this might just work…

FMA November 25, 2008 at 11:37 am

[re=185448]donner_froh[/re]: Igor Panarin is Russian for William Kristol.

null November 25, 2008 at 11:38 am

The elite don’t seem to divided about stealing all my money.

America to Igor Econonovich: What will really happen is that the U.S. will break up into 50(!) separate “states” that are loosely connected by a weak constitution administered by 500 or so morons, zombie “presidents,” and a bunch of psycopaths in robes.

I’ll bet you any amount of rubles.

LarryFeltonJ November 25, 2008 at 11:39 am

As a Georgian (the one currently in the U.S.) I’d like to object to invasion by Russia on the grounds that the language would be too hard to learn, and getting used to all those acrobatic
dances would be a terrible transition from country line dance.

Could we be invaded by some unassuming country with a Latin alphabet instead. Belgium would be good, as I can’t think of anything particularly scary about Belgians.

Neon Trotsky November 25, 2008 at 11:47 am

[re=185458]Darehead[/re]: D.C. should become its own city-state and take its place in the world as “Monaco with Slums” and Barry as its Grand Duke…

Neon Trotsky November 25, 2008 at 11:48 am

…And we all know that Russia has never had any problems with secession–certainly not recently…

Sergeant Tard November 25, 2008 at 11:54 am


9) A chesterfield is a couch
10) And Z is pronounced “Zed” not “Zee” but “Zed”

And tabarnac! those of us to the north of how-you-say “New England” are not to be called Canadian!

p-Sludge ofTheElves November 25, 2008 at 11:55 am

I can’t believe I semi-remembered this. Also that I found it.

“Eastern Washington suggested it might secede from Western Washington, unite loosely with Idaho and corner the national market on frozen hash-browned potatoes and cake flour.

King County seceded from Metro, Seattle seceded from King County, Queen Anne’s South Slope seceded from Seattle, Duke’s seceded from Queen Anne’s South Slope and the bar maid at Duke’s left in a huff.”

Schadenfried November 25, 2008 at 11:57 am

[re=185498]LarryFeltonJ[/re]: Belgium, eh? Mmm, beer and chocolate.

They can keep that Waterzooie though.

checkonechecktwo November 25, 2008 at 12:03 pm

[re=185469]donner_froh[/re]: Well, if we’re talking about breakaway republics, my bet would be that Boystown will secede from Wrigleyville. Maybe the Fabulous Drunken Democratic Rainbow Republic of Lakeview vs. the Depressed Drunken Baseball People’s Republic of Lakeview? Effen vodka vs. Old Style. Ooh, and we can trade jock straps!

Sergeant Tard November 25, 2008 at 12:05 pm

[re=185498]LarryFeltonJ[/re]: sorry but Belgium itself seems to be “separating into breakaway republics”:

Carrie_Okie November 25, 2008 at 12:06 pm

[re=185426]Cape Clod[/re]: (NC+VA)=the new state of the Republic of Atlantis. Butterstick will be on our flag. Gay marriage will be enforced by law. We’re aiming for left of Vermont. Wait to you see the gay old bash we have at the Jesse Helms Center in Wingate, NC.

Davidwatts November 25, 2008 at 12:10 pm

If there’s one thing Native Americans have excelled at, it’s successfully opposing America’s central government. Good analysis, Comrade!

thatonegirlsays November 25, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Hooray For Anything November 25, 2008 at 12:22 pm

We here in California are fully in favor of all this as long as President Schwarzenegger can figure out how to give places like Bakersfield and Fresno back to the Injuns

The Station Manager November 25, 2008 at 12:25 pm

Oh, I see this was written by David Icke-ski. He neglected mentioning the lizard people.

Mongo November 25, 2008 at 12:36 pm

We will accept to take everything back, except Maricopa County, Arizona.
That you can keep, as some sort of Leshoto, with Sheriff Arpaio included and all.

S.Luggo November 25, 2008 at 12:40 pm

“[D]ivisions among the elite …”. I stay awake nights in my refrigerator box worrying about that.

[re=185498]LarryFeltonJ[/re]: Nothing scary about Belgians? They speak French. Isn’t that enough?

longjohnson November 25, 2008 at 12:42 pm
kapish November 25, 2008 at 1:06 pm

Austin can become the new West Berlin. The Rednecks can build a wall around it to keep book learning and good music out of Texas. We will supply Austin by air with all the subversive, gay, hippy stuff they need.

lizardmess November 25, 2008 at 1:38 pm

According to an email fw I received Texas is going to use its secession rights *finally* when b HUSSEIN oSama is inaugurated. Except that Texas can’t.

TeddyS November 25, 2008 at 1:42 pm

We will clone lizard people from human stem cells to guard our new borders and keep out the Palinoids.

Larry McAwful November 25, 2008 at 1:52 pm

[re=185467]Miller[/re]: Pennsylvania’s finally going to break into Sylvania and the Penn Republic. I’m not sure which will be which, though. All I know is that whoever’s in the eastern part is going to be my fellow nationals, and we here in Boston will be happy to have you. We’ll get Fake Virginia, too. And DC, Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey, most of New York, and all the New England states. If we get all of New York, maybe we can trade Canada Buffalo for New Brunswick. Then we can put more armies there the next turn. If we get a card, that is.

CaliforniaMike November 25, 2008 at 1:57 pm

Great idea, but that map is so 2004. Nine more states seceded from Jeebusland in 2008. We should declare the U.S. of Canada and make Jeebusland our colony.

That way we can ship all the good-looking women north and west.

Larry McAwful November 25, 2008 at 1:59 pm

[re=185577]S.Luggo[/re]: Ça ne me tracasse point. Venez, les Belges, venez!

Fly-over Correspondent November 25, 2008 at 2:00 pm

Oklahoma Indian Tribes: We were never part of your state anyway. The Supreme Court said so.

State of Oklahoma: You mean the Supreme Court of the country we’re not part of anymore?

Oklahoma Indian Tribes: Aw, fuck.

Lascauxcaveman November 25, 2008 at 2:05 pm

Yes, I’m from the Seattle area and we’re pretty much 99.5% Chinee. Lotsa good dim sum here, if y’ever care to visit.

WIDTAP November 25, 2008 at 2:33 pm

Hopey’s 2004 Convention Speech just doesn’t translate into Russian.

Larry McAwful November 25, 2008 at 2:46 pm

[re=185657]lizardmess[/re]: Texas should have a referendum on whether or not it should secede. (Hint: if you really want Texas to secede from the United State, let the other states vote, too. You’ll be more likely to get a yes vote on Texas secession that way.)

HomoPolitico November 25, 2008 at 2:48 pm

[re=185613]kapish[/re]: Ahhh yes, the famous Glass Bong and Cock Ring Austin Airlift of 2010.

lapinot November 25, 2008 at 3:00 pm

[re=185498]LarryFeltonJ[/re]: Charles Martel, Charlemagne, Godfroi de Bouillon, Léopold II. Don’t let them scent blood.

trophy(forparticipation)wife November 25, 2008 at 3:04 pm

Oooo! How John Titor!

GayborhoodWatch November 25, 2008 at 3:29 pm

This is a dream come true! Leave the fundies to pray themselves into oblivion and the rest of us can get back to work making money, holding hands with our enemies, and marrying same-sex couples.

P.S. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE include DC and NOVA in the new Republic of the Northeast. I so desperately want to get away from the Jesusland powerhouse that is Richmond.

BklynIlluminati November 25, 2008 at 3:38 pm

OH NO YOU DON’T! The brothers are having their turn you guys ain’t breaking nothing up until we Latinos have had turn to mess things up too! RODRIGUEZ/PALIN 2012!!!

LarryFeltonJ November 25, 2008 at 4:04 pm

[re=185828]lapinot[/re]: Yeah, now that you mention it Jean Schramme was Belgian too. Maybe I should modify my request, and have Andorra or Monaco invade us.

pickles November 25, 2008 at 4:52 pm

Uhm… someone needs to tell that moron that not every country is a rabid hornets’ nest of intolerant racists like Russia. Even with all the issues that Americans have with each other, it is still a country founded by immigrants that has achieved a few things in the course of its history. If it will fall apart than it will do so according to the wishes of its citizens who are not likely to be bombed and massacred into submission by the ruling party. Not even by GOP…

warreno November 25, 2008 at 5:04 pm

“Oh, and Russia gets Alaska back!”

Shit, no need to wait until Spring — they can have it right now.

Keram2 November 25, 2008 at 6:37 pm

Civil war! Civil war!

peorgietirebiter November 25, 2008 at 8:49 pm

I suppose some trash talk was inevitable now that we’re 1-362, still I can’t help thinking making noise about trading Texas for no cash and an unnamed player in the future is a bad idea. It’s just bad manners to for anyone to be mouthing off about tossing Texas before they’ve even finished tossing Lieberman’s salad. I’m just saying it might be better to quit giving reach-arounds to collaborators just because they’re from the north and start sending some reinforcements down south instead.

AxmxZ November 26, 2008 at 1:09 am

Russian experts – the expertiest experts in the world!

(This is funny if you grew up in USSR.)

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: