failed states

Russian Expert: America To Separate Into Breakaway Republics

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Down with federalism!Ha ha, remember after the 2004 elections people emailed each other maps showing the sane parts of America getting absorbed into Canada and the rest turning into a squalid nation of Cheetos-addicted wingnuts called Jesusland? A Russian “expert” has now reached a similar conclusion about America — that we are doomed to decline and a dissolution of the union in the near future. Like, by spring. (Oh, and Russia gets Alaska back! Bonus.)

Here is the deal:

Asked why he expected the U.S. to break up into separate parts, he said: “A whole range of reasons. Firstly, the financial problems in the U.S. will get worse. … Dissatisfaction is growing, and at the moment it is only being held back by the elections and the hope that Obama can work miracles. But by spring, it will be clear that there are no miracles.”

He also cited the “vulnerable political setup”, “lack of unified national laws”, and “divisions among the elite, which have become clear in these crisis conditions.”

He predicted that the U.S. will break up into six parts – the Pacific coast, with its growing Chinese population; the South, with its Hispanics; Texas, where independence movements are on the rise; the Atlantic coast, with its distinct and separate mentality; five of the poorer central states with their large Native American populations; and the northern states, where the influence from Canada is strong.

So there you go, Texans, quit your complaining about the terrible Yankees! You get to be your own country again. And you, you filthy North Dakotans, you can just go back to Canada. In the meantime, the Russians will have a chance to invade yet another Georgia, which they are welcome to keep.


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Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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  • TGY

    Ah, via Drudge. Figures.

  • InsidiousTuna

    I live in Texas. I am all for selling it back to the Mexicans or whatever. Fuck this state. Living here has actually made me miss DC, which I thought impossible.

  • TaxWallStreet

    I, for one, welcome our new overlords. Besides, everyone knows when Xenu comes back all bets are off.

  • Cape Clod

    He’s late to the game. I think Vonnegut predicted the same thing in ‘Slapstick’.

  • monty

    they can have alaska and long as they take the governer with it

  • Serolf Divad

    I was going to be all snarky and make a joke about this joke of an analyst, but then I saw the link you posted and… HOLY CRAP… IT’S FROM DRUDGE!!!! So it must be true.

    At any rate, I’ll just have to sit around enjoying the company of my friends and neighbors with their distinct and separate mentality and let the southwest deal with the Mexicans and you guys on the West Coast can figure out what to do with the chinks and gooks.

  • Monkey

    I’m good with it.

  • hedgehog

    Um, if the price of crude keeps dropping, the ruble gets further devalued and the Moscow stock exchange continues to crash (if it ever reopens), Ivan ought to worry about his own Russian ass.

  • gjdodger

    Damn, Customs for the NCAA basketball tournament is gonna be a nightmare.

  • magic titty

    Haha. Russians. Just because you have to suffer the indignity of seeing Slovakia, The Ukraine, and Uzbekistan on a map, doesn’t mean we have to.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …my solution is give the Messicans Texas back along with a fruit basket and apology. Then can raise raise hell with the French until they give us a refund on the Louisiana purchase. That will leave us with just a tolerable amount of Jesus freaks in the Appalachian north.

  • sham69

    We have a unified, extremely powerful, loyal and federally controlled military. So, no Russian dude you are dumb.

  • Borat

    I think one of those chain emails from 2004 finally made it to this guy and he took it seriously.

  • Serolf Divad

    And oh, yeah… when I’m crowned supreme Ayatollah of the Great Northeast I won’t require passports for visitors from the West Coast. But those of you in the South and Midwest better have your papers in order and not plan on overstaying your Visas. You’ll need a work permit if you want to stay and mow our lawns.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=185399]magic titty[/re]: Because most US Americans don’t have maps, such as.

  • ManchuCandidate

    As your new Canada City Overlord, I welcome you.

    Here are some things you might need to know:
    1) Learn to say “eh” after each sentence.
    2) Our beer is slightly stronger
    3) Our health care is single payer. Don’t fuck it up or we ship you to Tejas.
    4) Learn to like doughnuts and Pizza
    5) Poutine is Poo-teen, not Poontang or Poo-tine.
    6) We have our own version of Tejas, we call it Alberta.
    7) Each region in Canada hates each other, but they hate Toronto (for some justified reasons) even more (Alberta is a close second.)
    8) A woolen hat is known as a Touque.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …or we could just ship all the gays/lesbian to the red states so that all the natural disasters God sends go there!

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Texans love the Yankees (who are white). However if you’re brown, black or any other color that cannot be represented on paper with an Ecru crayon (I believe Crayola calls it ‘flesh-colored’), you might not want to be in some parts of this fine state after dark.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Here’s some insight from this “leading Russian political analyst:”
    The country’s foreign debt has grown like an avalanche, even though in the early 1980s there was no debt.
    One could probably get more accurate economic advice from Ben Stein.

  • Breakfast Bourbon

    El Sur se elevara de nuevo?
    Apparently si se puede.

  • DieOnTheTurnpike

    I’m all for a place where my “distinct and separate mentality” can flourish without being hampered by folks who think peeing on an electric fence is good ol’ boy fun or mongoloids who prey that jebus will save their mortgage.

  • MoodProcessor

    I say sell Texas as quickly as possible, before the next cat5 hurricane comes blowing in and submerges Houston forevah.
    At which point, we invade, re-take and then sell the tracts of virgin shorefront property to Dubai.

    Hells Yes!

  • Borat

    So will the mayor of Jesusland be Jeebus or Hay-soos?

  • southernbitch

    ah, crap. i was pronouncing this shit while drunk four or five years ago. i guess i should’ve written some crackpot article about it. or not. it helps that in the south, secession is never far from the mind and hearts of millions. i’ve been living with this talk for-ev-er.

  • The Decider

    Alaska being given back to Russia? There’s a squirrel/moose joke in there somewhere.

  • bhosp

    That map scares the trucknutz out of me, here in VA.


  • Son of Mark Penn

    Ah yes, the massive ~10% Asian-American population on the Pacific Coast.

  • MathewBrooks

    [re=185406]SayItWithWookies[/re]: and suchlike

  • monty

    everybody knows that california is going to break off and float away so i say we give that to me-hico along with texas. arizona willl become the dmz. nevada will become the new-new-amsterdam.

  • doberhauser

    Thankfully, Minnesnowta is included in the United States of Canada!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …and if anyone knows anything about shitty economies, rogue break-away nations and corruption it would be the Russians! How quickly can we re-arm Georgia?!

  • Cape Clod

    I’m getting the feeling that Virginia and North Carolina know that the Balkinization of the USA is coming and are starting to align themselves politically with the Northeast. Frankly I don’t blame them.

  • Giant Robot

    Jesusland? I thought we all agreed on ‘Dumbfuckistan’

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Wait, “the South, with its Hispanics.” Yo quiero Rebel Yell?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I live in Miami, PLEEEEEAAAASE don’t give us to the Jesus Freaks!!!

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=185416]The Decider[/re]: I just feel sorry for the poor bastard who’ll have to teach Sarah Palin to speak Russian.

  • texette

    Oh no, no, no!!! I’m in Austin! Don’t leave us behind! Take us with you!

  • gambypants

    this gives sarah palin a great opportunity to unify the nation and make war with putin’s looming head

  • Giant Robot

    [re=185407]ManchuCandidate[/re]: One of things I love most about Canadians is that they use the word ‘Jesus’ as an adjective, as in “It’s Jesus cold out there…” or “George Bush is so Jesus stupid”. Your slang is Jesus cool.

  • gambypants

    this gives sarah palin a great opportunity to unify the nation and make war with putin’s looming head

  • HuskyMescan

    [re=185436]texette[/re]: We’ll start a very cool island. We’ll just have to keep out the leander and bastrop people the fuck out.

  • btwbfdimho

    In other words, the Mexican pot will reach the border with Canada. Very bad news.

  • WadISay

    [re=185416]The Decider[/re]: Also a “better dead than red” joke. Between the Rooskies and the Repubs, the Alaskans are equally screwed.

  • donner_froh

    To be a pundit in Russia one needs the same quality of analysis, amount of strategic knowledge and ability to grasp the obvious as one does in the US. Clearly, none.

  • Citizen Kang

    [re=185392]Serolf Divad[/re]:

    As a gook I resemble that remark.

  • hedgehog

    From this day on, the official language of the Atlantic Coast will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now 16 years old.

  • Darehead


    Jesusland (AKA “Real America”)
    Elitist America
    Republic of Lakota
    Southern California

  • checkonechecktwo

    Can we split Chicago into two countries? stupid sox fans…

  • Pope Priapus


  • Servo

    I always said that the heavily-populated region from Boston to Virginia Beach should become one state, since all of the inclusive cities gooble up their respective state’s resources.

  • DarkSynergy

    [re=185433]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Do not fear, I’m sure we will find some way to incorporate you into the US of A. We still need our drugs right?

    Piss, Indiana is part of the God fuckers crowd…. I’m moving to Illinois.

  • Miller

    I live in PA, either through Canada or the Northeastern Republic of Freedonia I’m getting absorbed into a breakaway socialist paradise. Enjoy Jesus based Texas rule, Mexico touchers!

  • 4tehlulz

    Cool; this means all my tax money won’t subsidize morons in Mississippi and Alabama anymore.

    Instead, I’ll be subsidizing morons closer to home, which is a little better, at least.

  • donner_froh

    [re=185459]checkonechecktwo[/re]: Not two countries but breakaway republics are in vogue. The Cubs fans in Azerbaijan while the White Sox fans will be in the Naxcivan Autonomous Republic. Might need observers/peacekeepers from Canada to keep the lid on communal violence as the inevitable migrations of now landless and embittered baseball fans from north to south and south to north occur.

  • Styrofoam Boots

    I’ve been saying this for the past year! I can’t wait for this to happen!!!

  • IonaTrailer

    My BFF in Virginia said that the towns of Dumfries and Manasses have decided to merge into a new municipality called Dumasses. It will stay in Jesusland.

  • Special Agent Jack Mehoff

    I feel like Texas would be the most belligerent country. I will go there.

  • randomsausage

    I’m all for the West coast going it’s own way…California, Oregon, WA. However to be boxed in by Jesusland to the East is not good….so my suggestion is that the new Great Western Alliance (TM) immediately invade Mexico so that we have access to the Carribbean, Gulf of Mexico etc. That exposes the soft under-belly of Jesusistan to our all powerful (and probably gay) storm-troopers, if conflict ever comes. We of course give full constitutional rights to our new Mexican citizens….we don’t want a tequila-fueled Palestine on our hands after all.

    I think this might just work…

  • FMA

    [re=185448]donner_froh[/re]: Igor Panarin is Russian for William Kristol.

  • null

    The elite don’t seem to divided about stealing all my money.

    America to Igor Econonovich: What will really happen is that the U.S. will break up into 50(!) separate “states” that are loosely connected by a weak constitution administered by 500 or so morons, zombie “presidents,” and a bunch of psycopaths in robes.

    I’ll bet you any amount of rubles.

  • LarryFeltonJ

    As a Georgian (the one currently in the U.S.) I’d like to object to invasion by Russia on the grounds that the language would be too hard to learn, and getting used to all those acrobatic
    dances would be a terrible transition from country line dance.

    Could we be invaded by some unassuming country with a Latin alphabet instead. Belgium would be good, as I can’t think of anything particularly scary about Belgians.

  • Neon Trotsky

    [re=185458]Darehead[/re]: D.C. should become its own city-state and take its place in the world as “Monaco with Slums” and Barry as its Grand Duke…

  • Neon Trotsky

    …And we all know that Russia has never had any problems with secession–certainly not recently…

  • Sergeant Tard


    9) A chesterfield is a couch
    10) And Z is pronounced “Zed” not “Zee” but “Zed”

    And tabarnac! those of us to the north of how-you-say “New England” are not to be called Canadian!

  • p-Sludge ofTheElves

    I can’t believe I semi-remembered this. Also that I found it.

    “Eastern Washington suggested it might secede from Western Washington, unite loosely with Idaho and corner the national market on frozen hash-browned potatoes and cake flour.

    King County seceded from Metro, Seattle seceded from King County, Queen Anne’s South Slope seceded from Seattle, Duke’s seceded from Queen Anne’s South Slope and the bar maid at Duke’s left in a huff.”

  • Schadenfried

    [re=185498]LarryFeltonJ[/re]: Belgium, eh? Mmm, beer and chocolate.

    They can keep that Waterzooie though.

  • checkonechecktwo

    [re=185469]donner_froh[/re]: Well, if we’re talking about breakaway republics, my bet would be that Boystown will secede from Wrigleyville. Maybe the Fabulous Drunken Democratic Rainbow Republic of Lakeview vs. the Depressed Drunken Baseball People’s Republic of Lakeview? Effen vodka vs. Old Style. Ooh, and we can trade jock straps!

  • Sergeant Tard

    [re=185498]LarryFeltonJ[/re]: sorry but Belgium itself seems to be “separating into breakaway republics”:

  • Carrie_Okie

    [re=185426]Cape Clod[/re]: (NC+VA)=the new state of the Republic of Atlantis. Butterstick will be on our flag. Gay marriage will be enforced by law. We’re aiming for left of Vermont. Wait to you see the gay old bash we have at the Jesse Helms Center in Wingate, NC.

  • Davidwatts

    If there’s one thing Native Americans have excelled at, it’s successfully opposing America’s central government. Good analysis, Comrade!

  • thatonegirlsays
  • Hooray For Anything

    We here in California are fully in favor of all this as long as President Schwarzenegger can figure out how to give places like Bakersfield and Fresno back to the Injuns

  • The Station Manager

    Oh, I see this was written by David Icke-ski. He neglected mentioning the lizard people.

  • Mongo

    We will accept to take everything back, except Maricopa County, Arizona.
    That you can keep, as some sort of Leshoto, with Sheriff Arpaio included and all.

  • S.Luggo

    “[D]ivisions among the elite …”. I stay awake nights in my refrigerator box worrying about that.

    [re=185498]LarryFeltonJ[/re]: Nothing scary about Belgians? They speak French. Isn’t that enough?

  • longjohnson
  • kapish

    Austin can become the new West Berlin. The Rednecks can build a wall around it to keep book learning and good music out of Texas. We will supply Austin by air with all the subversive, gay, hippy stuff they need.

  • lizardmess

    According to an email fw I received Texas is going to use its secession rights *finally* when b HUSSEIN oSama is inaugurated. Except that Texas can’t.

  • TeddyS

    We will clone lizard people from human stem cells to guard our new borders and keep out the Palinoids.

  • Larry McAwful

    [re=185467]Miller[/re]: Pennsylvania’s finally going to break into Sylvania and the Penn Republic. I’m not sure which will be which, though. All I know is that whoever’s in the eastern part is going to be my fellow nationals, and we here in Boston will be happy to have you. We’ll get Fake Virginia, too. And DC, Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey, most of New York, and all the New England states. If we get all of New York, maybe we can trade Canada Buffalo for New Brunswick. Then we can put more armies there the next turn. If we get a card, that is.

  • CaliforniaMike

    Great idea, but that map is so 2004. Nine more states seceded from Jeebusland in 2008. We should declare the U.S. of Canada and make Jeebusland our colony.

    That way we can ship all the good-looking women north and west.

  • Larry McAwful

    [re=185577]S.Luggo[/re]: Ça ne me tracasse point. Venez, les Belges, venez!

  • Fly-over Correspondent

    Oklahoma Indian Tribes: We were never part of your state anyway. The Supreme Court said so.

    State of Oklahoma: You mean the Supreme Court of the country we’re not part of anymore?

    Oklahoma Indian Tribes: Aw, fuck.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Yes, I’m from the Seattle area and we’re pretty much 99.5% Chinee. Lotsa good dim sum here, if y’ever care to visit.


    Hopey’s 2004 Convention Speech just doesn’t translate into Russian.

  • Larry McAwful

    [re=185657]lizardmess[/re]: Texas should have a referendum on whether or not it should secede. (Hint: if you really want Texas to secede from the United State, let the other states vote, too. You’ll be more likely to get a yes vote on Texas secession that way.)

  • HomoPolitico

    [re=185613]kapish[/re]: Ahhh yes, the famous Glass Bong and Cock Ring Austin Airlift of 2010.

  • lapinot

    [re=185498]LarryFeltonJ[/re]: Charles Martel, Charlemagne, Godfroi de Bouillon, Léopold II. Don’t let them scent blood.

  • trophy(forparticipation)wife

    Oooo! How John Titor!

  • GayborhoodWatch

    This is a dream come true! Leave the fundies to pray themselves into oblivion and the rest of us can get back to work making money, holding hands with our enemies, and marrying same-sex couples.

    P.S. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE include DC and NOVA in the new Republic of the Northeast. I so desperately want to get away from the Jesusland powerhouse that is Richmond.

  • BklynIlluminati

    OH NO YOU DON’T! The brothers are having their turn you guys ain’t breaking nothing up until we Latinos have had turn to mess things up too! RODRIGUEZ/PALIN 2012!!!

  • LarryFeltonJ

    [re=185828]lapinot[/re]: Yeah, now that you mention it Jean Schramme was Belgian too. Maybe I should modify my request, and have Andorra or Monaco invade us.

  • pickles

    Uhm… someone needs to tell that moron that not every country is a rabid hornets’ nest of intolerant racists like Russia. Even with all the issues that Americans have with each other, it is still a country founded by immigrants that has achieved a few things in the course of its history. If it will fall apart than it will do so according to the wishes of its citizens who are not likely to be bombed and massacred into submission by the ruling party. Not even by GOP…

  • warreno

    “Oh, and Russia gets Alaska back!”

    Shit, no need to wait until Spring — they can have it right now.

  • Keram2

    Civil war! Civil war!

  • peorgietirebiter

    I suppose some trash talk was inevitable now that we’re 1-362, still I can’t help thinking making noise about trading Texas for no cash and an unnamed player in the future is a bad idea. It’s just bad manners to for anyone to be mouthing off about tossing Texas before they’ve even finished tossing Lieberman’s salad. I’m just saying it might be better to quit giving reach-arounds to collaborators just because they’re from the north and start sending some reinforcements down south instead.

  • AxmxZ

    Russian experts – the expertiest experts in the world!

    (This is funny if you grew up in USSR.)