Washingtonienne To Marry Some Guy

  wedding announcements

She's the one on the rightThat gal who made Wonkette famous by blogging about all her anal sex exploits is now getting married! Hooray for love. Jessica Cutler, a young lady who worked for Senator Mike De Wine of Ohio when she wasn’t getting it up the pooper from horrible old men, is set to wed a Manhattan lawyer in early December. They met the old-fashioned way: in a bar.

The Washington Post assures us the bride-to-be is not pregnant, because duh, you cannot get pregnant from anal sex.

May we never write of these humans again.

Love, Etc. [Reliable Source]

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

Hola wonkerados.

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80 comments

  1. Serolf Divad

    This is true: when my sister went off to college all those many moons ago at the University of Alabama, one of the first things her new roomate told her was: “You know, Jen, you can get pregnant from butt-sex.”

    She knew at that point that she had a colorful four years ahead of her.

  2. TommySez

    I miss the old days when Wonkette would have said “ass-fucking” instead of “anal sex”.

    Ana looked pretty hot back then.

  3. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    you cannot get pregnant from anal sex.

    Then explain my boyfriend’s morning sickness!

  4. WadISay

    Wait, can you get pregnant from doing it doggie-style, and if so, do you have a litter?

    [re=185333]TommySez[/re]: Pandas and ass-fucking are what built this site, son.

  5. Lorax

    [re=185340]WadISay[/re]: My girlfriend and I used to dry hump a lot. She gave birth to a camel.

    Jeez, even I didn’t laugh at that one.

  6. Mr Blifil

    This is what comes from an overly phallocentric society, giving insufficient due to the mysteries of the yoni.

    Note to women: You don’t have a prostate. Butt-sex is therefore a big friggin’ joke on you perpetrated by guys who will literally stick their dicks anywhere. Oh and you can’t get pregnant but unprotected you can get AIDS. All in all, good times.

  7. guerilla-nation

    not to bitch, but TommySez is right. not only would amc (or even 2nd generation guys) have said “ass fucking,” they would have given it the coveted ass fucking tag. just sayin’ …

  8. rambone

    [re=185346]Mr Blifil[/re]: But if the ladies charge by the hour, then it’s a win-win situation all around, right?

  9. ManchuCandidate

    Strange I thought Cutler would have met him in bankruptcy court based on her on going money problems (after all she is a Repub and fiscal irresponsibility is in her blood.) I hope for her sake that Mr Cutler is a Manhattan bankruptcy lawyer because that will be pretty much be the only work Manhattan lawyers will have for a while if Wall St keeps stumbling.

    “May we never write of these humans again.” Editrix SKS

    Never say never, Sara. You’ll be back for the deevorce.

  10. hedgehog

    I’m sure the grrom will be very proud as everyone in the church imagines him sodomizing his bride.

    Who says men don’t make passes at girls who give asses?

  11. TGY

    SKS might’ve not got the “use ‘ass-fucking’ more often” memo, so be nice. Besides, ‘up the pooper’ is just ass good.

  12. rambone

    So, I wonder how the groom’s senior partners look upon their associates marrying ass-fuck-loving women, who weren’t actually prostitutes but . . . well, in her own words:

    “Though that part about people giving me money, it’s not like it was money for sex, exactly, it was like a gift. He knew I was making shit at my job; he wasn’t a john. I wasn’t like, walking down K St. It was more of an arrangement.. “

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Congratulations to Miss Cutler — her years of taking up the ass were good preparation for marrying a lawyer.

  14. dano

    I for one love it when our demur princess Sara K. Smith writes about all kinds of filthy sex stuff. There’s absolutely nothing sexier than a smart, funny woman that talks like a sailor.

  15. Baseproduct

    [re=185346]Mr Blifil[/re]: Sunlight gives you cancer, too. Hard though it may be to believe, some women like it where the sun doesn’t shine. Live and let live.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    [re=185348]HuskyMescan[/re]: Good gravy, where will the Republicans get their stupid from now? Oh, wait — that’s the one thing they have a strategic reserve of. Well — carry on.

  17. jbd

    [re=185340]WadISay[/re]: Good christ I think it’s five years ago to the day when I spent over 14 straight hours drinking scotch, watching the panda cam, and pretending to study for the GRE if anyone bothered to ask what I was doing.

    Today there’s no panda cam, I’ve switched to gin (yes, in fact I do blame AMC), and it’s the LSAT. How life changes….

  18. Bowdoin

    [re=185361]rambone[/re]: I have troubles drawing the line sometimes. If marrying for “gifts” is prostitution, then old retread McStain is a whore, pure and simple, correct?

  19. oldguy

    I thought it was just age and blurry vision, but I knew I’d seen that face before …

    It’s the delightful come-hither tilt of the head, the discrete statement made by the jewelry (diamonds, no doubt), and the association with the giants of the American way.

    http://jeanettes-celebrity-corner.com/2008/03/13/ashley-alexandra-dupre-eliot-spitzers-high-priced-hooker-photos/

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/03/28/jessica-cutler-prostitute_n_93907.html?show_comment_id=12189119

  20. freeradical

    I know this is wrong, but whenever I see a pic of Ms. Cutler, I can’t help but think her lithographed pic is hanging out in a dictionary next to the word uber-skank.

  21. Simony

    Congratulations, Jessica Cutler!

    (Ignore the risible children in the forum…it’s an act [not-of-gossip: most despise it, in the Latin sense].)

  22. Cape Clod

    [re=185367]dano[/re]: I’m detecting a certain amount of jealousy in this post. I’m getting the feeling that our beloved SKS is venting her frustration that her imaginary boyfriend, Nate Silver, is still refusing to cast his ballot in her challenged precincts.

  23. WadISay

    [re=185370]jbd[/re]: Interestingly, in all Wonkette’s reportage on Prop #8, they never broke the story of how “the ass-fucking stops here and now”.

  24. Hello Sunshine

    [re=185333]TommySez[/re]: Me too. But there’s something about the phrase “getting it up the pooper from horrible old men” that makes me giggle.

  25. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Pandas and ass-fucking are what built this site

    Oh hell, you made me think about fucking Jack Black.


  26. Post author
    Sara K. Smith

    [re=185349]guerilla-nation[/re]: It may have escaped your notice, but the current crop of editors — one of whom has been here for THREE YEARS, so it’s not like this is a new thing — tread lightly on the “ass-fucking” tag because it is not actually that funny to just shout “ass-fucking, ass-fucking” all the time.

  27. HuskyMescan

    [re=185369]SayItWithWookies[/re]: No doubt. About 55.12% of it comes from Glenn Beck.

    Who’s dumber than Glenn Beck? People who buy their books and leave them on coffee tables for casual reading. I saw this at my sister’s baby-shower. Their seemingly intelligent demeanor, their nice house, their expensive cars, etc was all canceled about by the book with the stupid, chubby cheeked wingnut on the cover.

  28. DangerousLiberal

    [re=185335]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Indeed. And, as my wife just asked, “then where did Joe Lieberman come from?”

    [re=185337]jagorev[/re]: Hey, me first. I visited for the Anna, and stayed for the snark!

  29. rambone

    [re=185371]Bowdoin[/re]: I agree, the sugar-daddy/sugar-momma situation complicates matters (assuming you want to exclude those from the definition of prostitution).

    Multiple customers is an easy line to use. It’s tougher to accuse a monogamist of being a prostitute.

    From Wonkette’s Washingtonienne archive http://wonkette.com/4162/the-lost-washingtonienne-wonkette-exclusive-etc-etc it looks like she had a series of very generous boyfriends (and by series, I mean just not at the very same time). Make of that what you will.

  30. TeddyKGB

    That pic of AMC and the bride-to-be doing the faux-lez dancing thing holds a prize position in my Spankin’ Hall of Fame.

  31. hedgehog

    [re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]: However, “getting it up the pooper” is quite funny and should become a standard part of the Wonkette vernacular.

  32. randomsausage

    “up the pooper” is certainly more restrained language than the rest of you would employ.

    Huzzah for the K. Smith.

  33. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=185348]HuskyMescan[/re]: So my life’s pretty much on the rocks at the moment but that article just made me very happy. O Shadenfreude! You make everything better!

  34. thefrontpage

    If you marry a lawyer, your legal costs go down immediately.

    Is it true the wedding reception is being held at Flashdancer’s?

  35. RobPetrified

    I, for one, believe that you can NEVER post too many photos of Anna Marie Cox.
    Now, what were we snarking about again?
    Oh, yeah. Drudge likes to get buttfucked.
    Old news.

  36. JeffGoldblum

    [re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]: Not to be argumentative, but shouting “ass fucking ass fucking” all the time would be pretty funny. Also, topical.

  37. sanantonerose

    [re=185346]Mr Blifil[/re]: I may not have a prostate, but…

    There’s really no good way to finish that sentence.

  38. hillarys_left_nut

    so, it’s only the woman on the right, in that pic, who likes “getting it up the pooper from horrible old men”?

    On behalf of horrible old men everywhere, I say this is some fucked-up shit.

  39. sanantonerose

    [re=185453]rambone[/re]: Monogamist in theory and at heart. In practice, well…sometimes we do things that are not within the bounds of approved social standards.

  40. rambone

    [re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]: “it is not actually that funny to just shout “ass-fucking, ass-fucking” all the time.” Perhaps, but use of the “ass-fucking” tag would certainly make it easier for me to conduct my Wonkette archive searches. The redstate editors understand our needs.

    [re=185554]sanantonerose[/re]: Do tell! I promise, we won’t tell a soul.

  41. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Sara K. Smith seems to have confused the Wonkette readership with people who have standards and taste. Now I haz a sad.

  42. TGY

    And who meets someone in a bar, these days? “How about a spot of matrimony with a case of STD on the side, darling? Poopholes, no problem.”

  43. LBOtomist

    [re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]: Talk to us when one of you has been yelling “ass-fuck””ass-fuck” for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS. Stupid David Flores. always first and funnier.

  44. glamourdammerung

    [re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]: ” it is not actually that funny to just shout “ass-fucking, ass-fucking” all the time.”

    And yet, you and your colleagues manage to make it work everytime as if by magic. Pandas and anal intercourse make the world go around (as long as it is ass-fucking the panda that is being discussed).

  45. Neilist

    [re=185353]hedgehog[/re]: “Who says men don’t make passes at girls who give asses?”

    Full marks for that one, Hog. Full marks.

  46. Neilist

    [re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]: “[I]t is not actually that funny to just shout ‘ass-fucking, ass-fucking’ all the time.”

    It’s not?

    Who the hell says?

    Aristole devoted pages and pages to the subject in his “Comedics.”

    And what about if you mime it, rather than shouting? It could be the rebirth of Old Attic comedy.

  47. Mr Blifil

    [re=185368]Baseproduct[/re]: Live and let live? What you are proposing is Marxism. Collective ass-fucking marxism.

    Of course if people can be talked into liking something, they should go for it by all means. I’m just taking the time to point out that there are no nerve centers in and about the female anus that correspond to sexual pleasure, though I guess all the sweaty nakedness may be enough of a compensation, along with the thrill of breaking taboo and doing something filthy, nasty, dirty, unclean, vile and horrid. By the way I am in no way making any kind of value judgement.

  48. sanantonerose

    [re=185710]Mr Blifil[/re]: While you are so descriptively sharing with us the pleasurable parts of the female anatomy, don’t forget about the back wall of the vagina. Indirect stimulation is still stimulation.

  49. Deepthroat

    Mr Blifil: what other reason would there be to have sex? Otherwise, we lady folk would be quite content with a fresh batch of AA batteries and a well-formed cucumber.

    *ok, no produce for me, but i’m sayin….*

  50. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Let me get it straight, ass-fucking is not funny any more, and we can’t make fun of Ann Coulter.

    Is this change we can believe in?

  51. Grimnir

    My wonkette reading seemed to be cyclical… assbuggery, republican sex scandal, election drama, assbuggery… we all know what comes next!!!

  52. Bowdoin

    [re=185579]rambone[/re]: Here’s another one I don’t understand. A member of Congress has an act of congress with someone who needs bidness done. He is rewarded for it. He will swear adamantly there was an act (he voted or wrote a letter) and there was a payoff (campaign contribution) but there is no connection between the two.

    So why can’t a prostitute make the same claim? No nexus between the act and the payoff.

Comments are closed.