WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS  9:28 am November 25, 2008

Washingtonienne To Marry Some Guy

by Sara K. Smith

She's the one on the rightThat gal who made Wonkette famous by blogging about all her anal sex exploits is now getting married! Hooray for love. Jessica Cutler, a young lady who worked for Senator Mike De Wine of Ohio when she wasn’t getting it up the pooper from horrible old men, is set to wed a Manhattan lawyer in early December. They met the old-fashioned way: in a bar.

The Washington Post assures us the bride-to-be is not pregnant, because duh, you cannot get pregnant from anal sex.

May we never write of these humans again.

Love, Etc. [Reliable Source]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 80 comments }

Serolf Divad November 25, 2008 at 9:33 am

This is true: when my sister went off to college all those many moons ago at the University of Alabama, one of the first things her new roomate told her was: “You know, Jen, you can get pregnant from butt-sex.”

She knew at that point that she had a colorful four years ahead of her.

TommySez November 25, 2008 at 9:33 am

I miss the old days when Wonkette would have said “ass-fucking” instead of “anal sex”.

Ana looked pretty hot back then.

MathewBrooks November 25, 2008 at 9:34 am

Let us toast these nuptials with gin

Naked Bunny with a Whip November 25, 2008 at 9:35 am

you cannot get pregnant from anal sex.

Then explain my boyfriend’s morning sickness!

jagorev November 25, 2008 at 9:36 am

So is Ana Marie Cox still available?

BillyClubb November 25, 2008 at 9:37 am

…getting it up the pooper

Aw Sara, you’re such a romantic.

WadISay November 25, 2008 at 9:40 am

Wait, can you get pregnant from doing it doggie-style, and if so, do you have a litter?

[re=185333]TommySez[/re]: Pandas and ass-fucking are what built this site, son.

Servo November 25, 2008 at 9:40 am

GWB was conceived in BaBa’s colon.

Darehead November 25, 2008 at 9:43 am

Psycho Anal Eyes, this.

Lorax November 25, 2008 at 9:44 am

[re=185340]WadISay[/re]: My girlfriend and I used to dry hump a lot. She gave birth to a camel.

Jeez, even I didn’t laugh at that one.

Mr Blifil November 25, 2008 at 9:48 am

This is what comes from an overly phallocentric society, giving insufficient due to the mysteries of the yoni.

Note to women: You don’t have a prostate. Butt-sex is therefore a big friggin’ joke on you perpetrated by guys who will literally stick their dicks anywhere. Oh and you can’t get pregnant but unprotected you can get AIDS. All in all, good times.

HuskyMescan November 25, 2008 at 9:51 am

forget butsekks, some libtard tabloid site says Mann Coulter’s jaw is wired shut.

some angry blogger probably clocked her. let’s hope its permanently wired shut.

guerilla-nation November 25, 2008 at 9:52 am

not to bitch, but TommySez is right. not only would amc (or even 2nd generation guys) have said “ass fucking,” they would have given it the coveted ass fucking tag. just sayin’ …

rambone November 25, 2008 at 9:56 am

[re=185346]Mr Blifil[/re]: But if the ladies charge by the hour, then it’s a win-win situation all around, right?

ManchuCandidate November 25, 2008 at 10:00 am

Strange I thought Cutler would have met him in bankruptcy court based on her on going money problems (after all she is a Repub and fiscal irresponsibility is in her blood.) I hope for her sake that Mr Cutler is a Manhattan bankruptcy lawyer because that will be pretty much be the only work Manhattan lawyers will have for a while if Wall St keeps stumbling.

“May we never write of these humans again.” Editrix SKS

Never say never, Sara. You’ll be back for the deevorce.

hedgehog November 25, 2008 at 10:01 am

I’m sure the grrom will be very proud as everyone in the church imagines him sodomizing his bride.

Who says men don’t make passes at girls who give asses?

TGY November 25, 2008 at 10:04 am

SKS might’ve not got the “use ‘ass-fucking’ more often” memo, so be nice. Besides, ‘up the pooper’ is just ass good.

jodyleek November 25, 2008 at 10:05 am

[re=185348]HuskyMescan[/re]: Couldn’t have happened to a nicer gal!

ManchuCandidate November 25, 2008 at 10:06 am

[re=185353]hedgehog[/re]:
It’s a given at many a Fundie wedding anyway.

rambone November 25, 2008 at 10:09 am

So, I wonder how the groom’s senior partners look upon their associates marrying ass-fuck-loving women, who weren’t actually prostitutes but . . . well, in her own words:

“Though that part about people giving me money, it’s not like it was money for sex, exactly, it was like a gift. He knew I was making shit at my job; he wasn’t a john. I wasn’t like, walking down K St. It was more of an arrangement.. “

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2008 at 10:13 am

Congratulations to Miss Cutler — her years of taking up the ass were good preparation for marrying a lawyer.

dano November 25, 2008 at 10:15 am

I for one love it when our demur princess Sara K. Smith writes about all kinds of filthy sex stuff. There’s absolutely nothing sexier than a smart, funny woman that talks like a sailor.

Baseproduct November 25, 2008 at 10:15 am

[re=185346]Mr Blifil[/re]: Sunlight gives you cancer, too. Hard though it may be to believe, some women like it where the sun doesn’t shine. Live and let live.

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2008 at 10:16 am

[re=185348]HuskyMescan[/re]: Good gravy, where will the Republicans get their stupid from now? Oh, wait — that’s the one thing they have a strategic reserve of. Well — carry on.

jbd November 25, 2008 at 10:17 am

[re=185340]WadISay[/re]: Good christ I think it’s five years ago to the day when I spent over 14 straight hours drinking scotch, watching the panda cam, and pretending to study for the GRE if anyone bothered to ask what I was doing.

Today there’s no panda cam, I’ve switched to gin (yes, in fact I do blame AMC), and it’s the LSAT. How life changes….

Bowdoin November 25, 2008 at 10:20 am

[re=185361]rambone[/re]: I have troubles drawing the line sometimes. If marrying for “gifts” is prostitution, then old retread McStain is a whore, pure and simple, correct?

oldguy November 25, 2008 at 10:21 am

I thought it was just age and blurry vision, but I knew I’d seen that face before …

It’s the delightful come-hither tilt of the head, the discrete statement made by the jewelry (diamonds, no doubt), and the association with the giants of the American way.

http://jeanettes-celebrity-corner.com/2008/03/13/ashley-alexandra-dupre-eliot-spitzers-high-priced-hooker-photos/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/03/28/jessica-cutler-prostitute_n_93907.html?show_comment_id=12189119

freeradical November 25, 2008 at 10:22 am

I know this is wrong, but whenever I see a pic of Ms. Cutler, I can’t help but think her lithographed pic is hanging out in a dictionary next to the word uber-skank.

4tehlulz November 25, 2008 at 10:22 am

[re=185372]oldguy[/re]: oh shi-

Simony November 25, 2008 at 10:25 am

Congratulations, Jessica Cutler!

(Ignore the risible children in the forum…it’s an act [not-of-gossip: most despise it, in the Latin sense].)

Capitol Hillbilly November 25, 2008 at 10:26 am

who will break the news to poor Robert Steinbuch?

magic titty November 25, 2008 at 10:29 am

[re=185348]HuskyMescan[/re]: donkey punch gone haywire.

Cape Clod November 25, 2008 at 10:29 am

[re=185367]dano[/re]: I’m detecting a certain amount of jealousy in this post. I’m getting the feeling that our beloved SKS is venting her frustration that her imaginary boyfriend, Nate Silver, is still refusing to cast his ballot in her challenged precincts.

WadISay November 25, 2008 at 10:30 am

[re=185370]jbd[/re]: Interestingly, in all Wonkette’s reportage on Prop #8, they never broke the story of how “the ass-fucking stops here and now”.

qwerty42 November 25, 2008 at 10:31 am

[re=185340]WadISay[/re]: Butterstick!

Hello Sunshine November 25, 2008 at 10:34 am

[re=185333]TommySez[/re]: Me too. But there’s something about the phrase “getting it up the pooper from horrible old men” that makes me giggle.

Naked Bunny with a Whip November 25, 2008 at 10:37 am

Pandas and ass-fucking are what built this site

Oh hell, you made me think about fucking Jack Black.

InsidiousTuna November 25, 2008 at 10:38 am

[re=185385]qwerty42[/re]: I fucking love Butterstick.

Sara K. Smith November 25, 2008 at 10:39 am

[re=185349]guerilla-nation[/re]: It may have escaped your notice, but the current crop of editors — one of whom has been here for THREE YEARS, so it’s not like this is a new thing — tread lightly on the “ass-fucking” tag because it is not actually that funny to just shout “ass-fucking, ass-fucking” all the time.

HuskyMescan November 25, 2008 at 10:46 am

[re=185369]SayItWithWookies[/re]: No doubt. About 55.12% of it comes from Glenn Beck.

Who’s dumber than Glenn Beck? People who buy their books and leave them on coffee tables for casual reading. I saw this at my sister’s baby-shower. Their seemingly intelligent demeanor, their nice house, their expensive cars, etc was all canceled about by the book with the stupid, chubby cheeked wingnut on the cover.

DangerousLiberal November 25, 2008 at 10:51 am

[re=185335]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Indeed. And, as my wife just asked, “then where did Joe Lieberman come from?”

[re=185337]jagorev[/re]: Hey, me first. I visited for the Anna, and stayed for the snark!

rambone November 25, 2008 at 11:07 am

[re=185371]Bowdoin[/re]: I agree, the sugar-daddy/sugar-momma situation complicates matters (assuming you want to exclude those from the definition of prostitution).

Multiple customers is an easy line to use. It’s tougher to accuse a monogamist of being a prostitute.

From Wonkette’s Washingtonienne archive http://wonkette.com/4162/the-lost-washingtonienne-wonkette-exclusive-etc-etc it looks like she had a series of very generous boyfriends (and by series, I mean just not at the very same time). Make of that what you will.

Servo November 25, 2008 at 11:15 am

How long before she’s on YouTube imitating a Pla-Doh Fun Factory to her groom?

TeddyKGB November 25, 2008 at 11:26 am

That pic of AMC and the bride-to-be doing the faux-lez dancing thing holds a prize position in my Spankin’ Hall of Fame.

hedgehog November 25, 2008 at 11:26 am

[re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]: However, “getting it up the pooper” is quite funny and should become a standard part of the Wonkette vernacular.

Special Agent Jack Mehoff November 25, 2008 at 11:27 am

[re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]: WICKED BURN!

stew November 25, 2008 at 11:27 am

With Mann Coulter’s jaw wired shut, it will have to be in the tooter, as there are no more orifices.

randomsausage November 25, 2008 at 11:57 am

“up the pooper” is certainly more restrained language than the rest of you would employ.

Huzzah for the K. Smith.

robanybody November 25, 2008 at 11:58 am

What’s so funny about two assholes having sex?

Kev-O-Tron November 25, 2008 at 12:01 pm

[re=185348]HuskyMescan[/re]: So my life’s pretty much on the rocks at the moment but that article just made me very happy. O Shadenfreude! You make everything better!

thefrontpage November 25, 2008 at 12:03 pm

If you marry a lawyer, your legal costs go down immediately.

Is it true the wedding reception is being held at Flashdancer’s?

RobPetrified November 25, 2008 at 12:05 pm

I, for one, believe that you can NEVER post too many photos of Anna Marie Cox.
Now, what were we snarking about again?
Oh, yeah. Drudge likes to get buttfucked.
Old news.

JeffGoldblum November 25, 2008 at 12:07 pm

[re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]: Not to be argumentative, but shouting “ass fucking ass fucking” all the time would be pretty funny. Also, topical.

sanantonerose November 25, 2008 at 12:07 pm

[re=185346]Mr Blifil[/re]: I may not have a prostate, but…

There’s really no good way to finish that sentence.

facehead November 25, 2008 at 12:10 pm

Wow, so this is the woman who invented anal sex and saved the gay race.

hillarys_left_nut November 25, 2008 at 12:15 pm

so, it’s only the woman on the right, in that pic, who likes “getting it up the pooper from horrible old men”?

On behalf of horrible old men everywhere, I say this is some fucked-up shit.

S.Luggo November 25, 2008 at 12:17 pm

[re=185516]randomsausage[/re]: Please. Smith’s first name is “Editor”.

sanantonerose November 25, 2008 at 12:29 pm

[re=185453]rambone[/re]: Monogamist in theory and at heart. In practice, well…sometimes we do things that are not within the bounds of approved social standards.

rambone November 25, 2008 at 12:41 pm

[re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]: “it is not actually that funny to just shout “ass-fucking, ass-fucking” all the time.” Perhaps, but use of the “ass-fucking” tag would certainly make it easier for me to conduct my Wonkette archive searches. The redstate editors understand our needs.

[re=185554]sanantonerose[/re]: Do tell! I promise, we won’t tell a soul.

TGY November 25, 2008 at 12:45 pm

[re=185337]jagorev[/re]: I also thought she was the more appealing of the two.

Naked Bunny with a Whip November 25, 2008 at 12:58 pm

Sara K. Smith seems to have confused the Wonkette readership with people who have standards and taste. Now I haz a sad.

TGY November 25, 2008 at 12:59 pm

And who meets someone in a bar, these days? “How about a spot of matrimony with a case of STD on the side, darling? Poopholes, no problem.”

Serolf Divad November 25, 2008 at 1:00 pm

[re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]:

It is if you’re in a crowded theater.

PortlandSmartAss November 25, 2008 at 1:00 pm

Do you think their wedding album will include her Playboy photos?

LBOtomist November 25, 2008 at 1:08 pm

[re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]: Talk to us when one of you has been yelling “ass-fuck”"ass-fuck” for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS. Stupid David Flores. always first and funnier.

glamourdammerung November 25, 2008 at 1:21 pm

[re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]: ” it is not actually that funny to just shout “ass-fucking, ass-fucking” all the time.”

And yet, you and your colleagues manage to make it work everytime as if by magic. Pandas and anal intercourse make the world go around (as long as it is ass-fucking the panda that is being discussed).

Neilist November 25, 2008 at 1:42 pm

[re=185353]hedgehog[/re]: “Who says men don’t make passes at girls who give asses?”

Full marks for that one, Hog. Full marks.

Neilist November 25, 2008 at 1:46 pm

[re=185402]Sara K. Smith[/re]: “[I]t is not actually that funny to just shout ‘ass-fucking, ass-fucking’ all the time.”

It’s not?

Who the hell says?

Aristole devoted pages and pages to the subject in his “Comedics.”

And what about if you mime it, rather than shouting? It could be the rebirth of Old Attic comedy.

sanantonerose November 25, 2008 at 1:49 pm

[re=185579]rambone[/re]: Your avatar gives my ass pause, but the play button is interested.

Mr Blifil November 25, 2008 at 2:03 pm

[re=185368]Baseproduct[/re]: Live and let live? What you are proposing is Marxism. Collective ass-fucking marxism.

Of course if people can be talked into liking something, they should go for it by all means. I’m just taking the time to point out that there are no nerve centers in and about the female anus that correspond to sexual pleasure, though I guess all the sweaty nakedness may be enough of a compensation, along with the thrill of breaking taboo and doing something filthy, nasty, dirty, unclean, vile and horrid. By the way I am in no way making any kind of value judgement.

sanantonerose November 25, 2008 at 2:09 pm

[re=185710]Mr Blifil[/re]: While you are so descriptively sharing with us the pleasurable parts of the female anatomy, don’t forget about the back wall of the vagina. Indirect stimulation is still stimulation.

smasher November 25, 2008 at 2:42 pm

[re=185348]HuskyMescan[/re]: Autofellatio?

Deepthroat November 25, 2008 at 2:47 pm

Mr Blifil: what other reason would there be to have sex? Otherwise, we lady folk would be quite content with a fresh batch of AA batteries and a well-formed cucumber.

*ok, no produce for me, but i’m sayin….*

Arfer November 25, 2008 at 3:04 pm

” Arf “!

Arfer November 25, 2008 at 3:06 pm

I thought De Wine was as far down as you could go.

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 25, 2008 at 3:53 pm

Let me get it straight, ass-fucking is not funny any more, and we can’t make fun of Ann Coulter.

Is this change we can believe in?

Grimnir November 25, 2008 at 5:49 pm

My wonkette reading seemed to be cyclical… assbuggery, republican sex scandal, election drama, assbuggery… we all know what comes next!!!

Scandalabra November 25, 2008 at 6:29 pm

AMC…fap fap fap fap. Wait…I’m gay…oh, well…fap, fap, fap, fap…

Bowdoin November 26, 2008 at 12:15 pm

[re=185579]rambone[/re]: Here’s another one I don’t understand. A member of Congress has an act of congress with someone who needs bidness done. He is rewarded for it. He will swear adamantly there was an act (he voted or wrote a letter) and there was a payoff (campaign contribution) but there is no connection between the two.

So why can’t a prostitute make the same claim? No nexus between the act and the payoff.

scottco November 26, 2008 at 4:47 pm

[re=185333]TommySez[/re]: Ana hasn’t lost a speck of hotness….

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