15-minute political celebrities

‘Lizard People’ Voter Revealed!

Lizard People will fight for YOU!So some 25-year-old doofus has come forward as the guy who wrote in Lizard People as the most palatable alternative to Al Franken or Norm Coleman representing the great state of Minnesota in the United States Senate. Lucas Davenport is America’s new Joe the Plumber! How long before he gets his own country music album?

“The handwriting is mine, hands down. Even my dad saw it, and he’s like that is your handwriting, there is no doubt about it. I think it would be pretty easy to, with my handwriting sample, to prove it was mine,” said Davenport.

He says people who are hoping to blame the loss of their candidate on his thrown out ballot are missing the point. He says it’s his right to exercise free choice, as well.

Ha ha, this is how bad this awful race/recount has gotten: people are hoping their candidates will lose. Quick, somebody bury Franken and Coleman in a pile of hot trash and appoint Lizard People the Senator Pro Tem.

Related video

Why would someone vote for the Lizard People? [Minnesota Public Radio]

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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63 comments

  1. Jobbotch

    “If you Google Lucas Davenport you’ll turn up someone of the same name who’s already famous, but fictional. Lucas Davenport is the protagonist cop in a series of novels by Minnesota writer John Camp. Camp published the books under the pen name John Sandford.”

    Jesus Christ! The whole of Minnesota is some bizarre hall of mirrors. No wonder the Coen brothers are from there.

  2. johnbpt

    I say give the Lizard People a chance. I mean, they couldn’t fuck up Congress any worse than it already is, could they?

  3. saralovesyou

    He was on the radio this morning and said he’d wanted to write in “revolution,” but settled on “lizard people.”

    I love that this illustrates how Ron Paul people are well-versed in conspiracy theory craziness.

  4. 4tehlulz

    >>”Because you don’t have to vote. It’s not mandatory. And I think that I have the right to vote for anybody I wish, even if it’s a made up candidate or even myself, if I wanted to write that in,” said Davenport.

    Wouldn’t “I did it because I’m an pompous ass” be a more concise and accurate explanation?

  5. Schadenfried

    [re=184544]4tehlulz[/re]: “I did it because I’m an attention whore.” is even more accruate.

  6. Noodle Salad

    Facial hair? Check. Pony tail? Check. Green t-shirt? Check. Douchy necklace? Check.

    All he’s missing is a backwards B.

  7. FreshCliches

    Alex Jones calling this dude in 4…3…2…

    [re=184547]Godot[/re]: …and a cricket in every pot.

  8. Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=184542]saralovesyou[/re]:
    I love how people try to dignify their stupid behavior by claiming it was some kind of important lesson about “the right to exercise free choice.”

  9. Woodwards Friend

    So by “right to exercise free choice” he means ignore the basic and simple rules for voting to make an infantile joke? Jeremiah Wright was right. God damn America.

  10. Midwest_Product

    [re=184554]Schadenfried[/re]: “I did it because I’m an attention whore.” is even more accruate.

    So, your theory is this guy wrote in “Lizard Man” because he knew in advance that there would be a hand recount in which his particular ballot became an issue?

  11. WadISay

    Haha, Nate Silver, you and your fancy regression analysis didn’t figure on Teh Lizard Peoples, did you?

  12. choinski

    So, if he declares publicly what is intent was that day, and a judge rules the voter intent was something else, who prevails?

  13. Neon Trotsky

    According to the authoritative source that is the Old Farmer’s Wikipedia:

    According to an interview with David Icke, Christine Fitzgerald claims that she was a confidante of Diana, Princess of Wales, and that Diana told her that the British Royal Family were reptilian aliens, and that they could shapeshift.

    See, Lucas Davenport is a Patriot, like the Sons of Liberty or the Continental Congress, by pointing out the power and evil influence of the Lizard British Monarchical Conspiracy…

  14. Deepthroat

    I read on Joe’s Secure our Dreams site that he was in cahoots with the Lizard People. Shorts, did you see that?

  15. psychedelicSludge

    seems egalitarian enough – rule by lizard people. But you know sooner or later some guy is going to stand up there and declare – wait for it – I AM THE LIZARD KING!

  16. springfield_meltdown

    Well, he is from Bemidji. Maybe he was sick of the attention the US National curling teams were receiving. My point is I don’t think there is very much to do in Bemidji.

  17. FreshCliches

    [re=184578]trondant[/re]: Are you sure you didn’t intend to put this in the Alan Colmes thread?

  18. Rev. Juan MessyCan

    Oh, sweet Jeebus, what is it coming to?

    I usually hate blingee, but … come on, is this begging for it, or do I need to smoke more so I just hallucinate it?

    And IMHO, that’s what he’d done before going to vote – smoked something. Wouldn’t that explain it?

  19. Sussemilch

    You mean you’ve never been so pissed off at both candidates that you wrote some batsh*t insane stuff on your ballot to make a point?

    Well then I’ll consider myself lucky that the local County Clerk’s race was never so close that the election board needed to decide which candidate was “SUCK MY DICK YOU @&#$%@!”

  20. El Topo

    It was only a matter of time: first, that this gooberball would seek his 15 minutes of infamy, and second, that someone would finally stand up for the rights of the Proud Lizard People.

  21. psychedelicSludge

    There are 3 basic types of rulers: Greys, Lizard People, and Nordics.

    Word: “The Greys are 4th density probes of the Reptoid beings. They mimic the nourishment functions and exist by interaction with the souls of the Reptoids. This is done through technology far in advance of anything Humans currently understand. The Grays are not only built and designed artificially, but also function as a projection, mentally and psychically, of the Reptoids. They have many of the same capabilities of the Reptoids except their physical appearance is entirely different. These beings have no soul, are only extensions of the Reptoids, and as such are manipulated at will at whatever distance by the Reptoids. The “blood” these created beings have is not real red blood as Humans have but something that is easily maintained and not foster disease or inefficiency and is green in color.” – http://www.karinya.com/lizards.htm

  22. Schadenfried

    [re=184565]Midwest_Product[/re]: He wrote Lizard People. Try to be more accurate when making a counterpoint.

    If this is what a Midwest Product is, I’ll take lead-filled Chinese products, thank you.

  23. Thegreatbacon

    Ladies and Gentleman, I am surprised that nobody has hit the fraud button on this, even after it was pointed out that his name happens to also be the name of a famous fictional character. Let me be the first to do it — this is a prank! Read what he said again. He is going to have his dad vouch for his handwriting? That has got to be a joke. If he voted at that precinct and wrote in “Lizard People,” then chances are it was his ballot. You don’t need a handwriting expert for that. He’s messing with us, Wonkette. Be on guard.

  24. metropolitan

    god, if had to make up my mind between al franken and norm coleman, i would have voted for lizard people myself.

  25. qwerty42

    “Lucas Davenport” ??? … jeeze, he’s the detective in all those grim murder mysteries that are based in the twin Cities. Are things kinda crazy up there? Now it’s Lizard People. cripes. _don’t_ rebuild the Mississippi River bridge; in fact, take down the other span.

  26. Tra

    [re=184565]Midwest_Product[/re]:

    How about the part where he runs around waving his arms and yelling, “I did it! I did it! My daddy will tell you so, I did it!”

  27. freeatlast

    I know someone from the Minni Apple. He talks like he has marbles in his mouth. They’re all canadians anyway. They should only get 1.5 Senators and be done with it all.

  28. Larry McAwful

    [re=184558]Terry[/re]: Yeah, me too. I hated the remake of it in the 1990s. All they had was dinosaurs in it, but no pilons at all. The pilons were the best part of that show, that and the Lost City. The dinosaurs were a nice component, but man, even an old episode of that show without a trip to the Lost City or a pilon was a major disappointment. That’s why the new Land of the Lost blew. It also blew because they had some kind of truck to drive around, but there weren’t any gas stations.

  29. Kingbee

    Please, everyone, relax — this Senate seat has been Jewish since Rudy Boschwitz won it in 1978. Then Paul Wellstone; then the nefarious Norm Coleman; now contested by Al Franken — all Jews. As Lezard is a perfectly respectable Jewish name, the Lizard People are clearly Jewish, merely with a more Americanized spelling. Although, funny, they don’t LOOK Jewish on the photo above.

  30. JeffGoldblum

    Too bad all the SHEEPLE don’t even realize that all of our world leaders are ALREADY THE LIZARD PEOPLE.

  31. mn_sleuth

    qwerty42

    “Lucas Davenport” ??? … jeeze, he’s the detective in all those grim murder mysteries that are based in the twin Cities. Are things kinda crazy up there? Now it’s Lizard People. cripes. _don’t_ rebuild the Mississippi River bridge; in fact, take down the other span.

    Don’t forget the moron’s in the MN 6th district are sending bat$hit crazy Michelle Bachmann back to congress for two more years.

  32. mpslim

    Laugh if you must, but the Lizard people have actually run one of their “candidates” in Northern California’s CD4. His name……Theodore Terbolizard. Ted Lizard says he is “The next generation of the GOP.” He also says “It is time to end the economic slavery of the United States people!”
    He leaves out the part where he says that instead of economic slavery, it will just be the regular kind, and mostly lizard people will rule us as we jump down, turn round, and pick a bale of insects.

    See: http://terbocongress.org/

  33. CumaeanSibyl

    It says something when your bullshit philosophical explanation makes you look stupider than you would have if you’d admitted you did it for the lulz.

  34. DeLand DeLakes

    Well, here in Minneapolis we have a long tradition of taking in refugees- Vietnamese, Hmong, and Somali- and when the Reptile’s Democratic Republic of the Hot Rock crumbled, well, gosh darn it, we just had to let ‘em in.

    But I don’t know who let the fuckers VOTE.

Comments are closed.