SACRIFICE  2:48 pm November 22, 2008

Bidens Will Be Forced To Live In Filthy D.C.

by Ken Layne

Say it ain't so, Joe!Joe Biden used to have a nice life. He did his work at the Senate, and then he took a relaxing train ride back to his nice house and family in Delaware. Thanks to the sinister schemes of your new president, Barack Obama, the happy times of Joe Biden will all end forever in January, when he will be forced by Secret Service gunpoint to leave his beloved home and take residence in the creepy abandoned lair of Dick Cheney.

The New York Times reports today:

The Bidens and their aides declined to discuss their plans or the question of whether Dr. Biden would find a new job in Washington. But friends and colleagues said that in all the decades Mr. Biden worked in Washington, he never had much of a social life there. He rarely stuck around for an evening fund-raiser or a cocktail party. He was not a regular at typical lawmaker haunts like the Capital Grille or Charlie Palmer, instead inviting people to the Senate dining room if he happened to be in town for dinner.

“I think he was far more interested in his children than the social whirl,” said Senator Patrick J. Leahy, a longtime Biden friend. “I have to kid him a little bit, because he’s no longer going to be asking, ‘Are we going to finish this vote by 7:45?’ so he can make this mad dash to the train.”

Ha ha, Leahy, now Biden will be saying, “Are we going to finish this vote by 7:45, so I can do my prayers of Ramadan or whatever at the White House?”

The Bidens new neighbors will be the British Ambassador, Hillary Clinton, and whatever corpses turn up on the lawn or in Rock Creek Park. Sorry, Joe.

Mr. Biden Goes To Washington [NY Times]

 

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{ 48 comments }

tonashideska November 22, 2008 at 2:53 pm

The Biden’s first guest will be Father Merrin.

Come here a minute November 22, 2008 at 2:55 pm

He is also going to have a hard time finding his way around down there, because according to the Googles, the place is really blurry!

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 22, 2008 at 3:32 pm

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And Lynn Cheney said
we are all just prisoners here, of our own device
And in the masters chambers,
They gathered for the feast
The stab it with their steely knives,
But they just cant kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
relax, said the night man,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave!

you cannot be serious November 22, 2008 at 3:44 pm

Can they hire Palin’s witch hunter to air out the place?

Crab1 November 22, 2008 at 3:44 pm

Maybe Joe Biden will finally have enough free time to join on of those famous DC kickball leagues, soes he can meet fat former sorority beauty queens. Yay WAKA!

facehead November 22, 2008 at 3:50 pm

Does Cheney get to keep the sharks with lasers on their heads?

MFAWG November 22, 2008 at 3:50 pm

[re=184054]you cannot be serious[/re]:

I bet Bobby Jindal would do an exorcism for free, even!

Neilist November 22, 2008 at 4:02 pm

Cheney’s Lair is one level of Horror.

But Foggy Bottom with Hillz as Secretary of State is the House of Usher:

“From that chamber, and from that bureaucracy, I fled aghast. Ms. Clinton was still abroad in all her wrath as I found myself crossing the old causeway. Suddenly there shot along Vincent Foster’s path with a wild light, and I turned to see whence a gleam so unusual could have issued; for the vast house and its shadows were alone behind me. The radiance was that of the full, setting, and blood-red moon, which now shone vividly through that once barely-discernible fissure, of which I have before spoken as extending from the roof of the building, in a zigzag direction, to the base. While I gazed, this fissure rapidly widened — there came a fierce breath of the whirlwind — the entire orb of the satellite burst at once upon my sight — my brain reeled as I saw the mighty walls rushing asunder — there was a long tumultuous shouting sound like the voice of a thousand waters — and the deep and dank tarn at my feet closed sullenly and silently over the fragments of the ‘House of Clinton.’”

p-Sludge ofTheElves November 22, 2008 at 4:02 pm

Hopefully it won’t be THIS bad.
” Shin and his wife were kidnapped by North Korea’s despot-in-training, Kim Jong-il, who sought to create a film industry that would allow him to sway a world audience to the righteousness of the Korea Workers’ Party. Shin would be his propagandist, Choi his star.” – http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2003/apr/04/artsfeatures1

ManchuCandidate November 22, 2008 at 4:08 pm

Poor Joe. He’ll have to air the place out for weeks to get rid of the roasted baby smell.

DoctorCulturae November 22, 2008 at 4:17 pm

ManchuCandidate: But look at it this way, there won’t be a drop of blood in the house.

Toomush Infermashun November 22, 2008 at 4:25 pm

I’ll try again:

Happy Birthday (belated) Joe Biden
What place do you reside in?
If it’s not Scranton
Then you can stop rantin’….

Here all week… or at least the next couple minutes….

facehead November 22, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Toomush Infermashun November 22, 2008 at 4:29 pm

facehead: relevance? I should say – the whole Cheney mansion to be aired out prior to new residency….

Crab1 November 22, 2008 at 4:30 pm

dear wonkette-
yr new ads sux. fix soon.
thx,
crab

darsal November 22, 2008 at 4:37 pm

Thank goodness for John Wojnowski watching the hellmouth gate every day.

http://www.vaticanhidespedophiles.com/

(For the out-of-towners, the picture on that site is what you’d see coming out of the main gate of the USNO, where the VP’s house is. He’s there almost every day, watching and protesting…)

SayItWithWookies November 22, 2008 at 4:42 pm

But friends and colleagues said that in all the decades Mr. Biden worked in Washington, he never had much of a social life there.
Hey, neither did the Cheneys. Of course that might have had more to do with their tattooed lampshades than it did with the cooking or the conversation. Bidens take note.

P.T.T. November 22, 2008 at 4:42 pm

I find it very very Fishy that both Mrs. Biden and Mrs. Cheney have PhDs in English. Profession, despise thyself–marry a pol. But when will one of those infamous MLA “Cash Bars” be held at the VP dungeon?

bonsai pajamas November 22, 2008 at 4:44 pm

I used to wonder why every American politician named Dick turns out to be one until I realized that all politicians are dicks regardless of names. But the ones named Dick are always…
…evil.

Anonymous Office Zombie November 22, 2008 at 5:50 pm

Oh, so now that Joe’s gone from lowly senator to vice president all of a sudden he’s forgotten his roots and it’s “Dr. Biden” instead of plain old “Joe”, eh? Why don’t we just call you Dr. Elitist Fancipants Joseph Esquire the Third while we’re at it. You’ve changed, Joe.

Borat November 22, 2008 at 6:02 pm

He’s better off in DC. I don’t know what kind of house he currently lives in but I’ve pictured as a quaint, semi-isloated seaside affair. Those secret service guys probably want to put tank blockades and anti-aircraft guns and a bunch of mean hungry dogs on his property. Luckily, this, and more are already in place at Cheney’s abode.

Borat November 22, 2008 at 6:15 pm

I’m amazed the VP has to live in a McMansion, complete with custom monogrammed windows. I hope Cheney’s been keeping up the mortgage on that place, it the kind of place likely to have negative equity. I think those abandoned houses next to the Snowbilly Govenor Mansion look classier, even with the broken windows and Obama graffiti and flaming bags of poo.

josereyes.theroof November 22, 2008 at 6:52 pm

Cheney was more interested in the Observation, while Biden favours the navel (to gaze at). We have gone from a Rockwellian vice-presidency, to something emo. Maybe Pete Wentz can get to the bottom of what this means… After all, he enjoys both Michael Jackson & Weezer.

WIDTAP November 22, 2008 at 6:53 pm

[re=184048]tonashideska[/re]: Which begs the question of which of the fresh young faces we will get to see take a tumble down the stairs in Georgetown.

pat robertsons personal trainer November 22, 2008 at 7:09 pm

i’m looking forward to the Biden v-presidency almost as much as Barry’s real presidency. i’ve developed a healthy man-crush on ol’ Joe. this being the holidays and all, he’s like my favorite uncle who’s always one more drink away from getting intolerable, but in the meantime is only dude worth hanging out with during the parties–except Biden never has that next drink. his gaffes are mostly harmless. and unlike cheney’s shadow presidency, i expect Biden to be yoooouuuuuggggge in getting legislative shit done. no one since LBJ has had more legislative experience as an incoming VP. all those state funerals for furriners? those will be shuffled off to the sec of state. your welcome, hillz. you and your batshit crazy posse have a grand fucking time in turkmenistan.

johnbpt November 22, 2008 at 7:32 pm

[re=184055]Crab1[/re]: Of all the reasons I’m glad I moved away from DC, those developmentally arrested kickball douches are right at the top of the list. Thanks for reminding me!

finallyhappy November 22, 2008 at 8:39 pm

So come January 21 when I have to sit in the car at Florida and Connecticut waiting for the daily VP motorcade to pass, I won’t see the fiends of hell anymore who follow along with Cheney. really, there is all this smoke and a foul odor and hideous creatures- or maybe that is Cheney? I think that for some time, if I didn’t think the secret service wouldn’t hesitate to shoot me(or other DC drivers shoot me), I would jump out of the car and wave a flag and cheer.

p-Sludge ofTheElves November 22, 2008 at 8:44 pm

The Bidens should outfit the Cheney mansion with Doom Buggies. Then all of the evil spirits trapped in the mansion will be conscripted in the service of amusing the kiddies.

“After escaping the portrait corridor, the guests walk through an ethereal void, where an eerie green, glowing fog floats endlessly, and cobweb-wrapped candelabras dimly illuminate the area. The Ghost Host points out that the house has 999 spirits with room for one more (any volunteers?). Stepping on an endless moving carpet synched to the motion of the Doom Buggies, guests are seated and ascend a pitch-black staircase to the next scene.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haunted_Mansion

“Cheneyland will never be completed. It will continue to grow as long as there is evil left in the world.” – Dick Cheney

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/waltdisney131669.html

Bowdoin November 22, 2008 at 11:10 pm

During the Dem Convention, Barack came in on bigscreen and said he was in Kansas City. Later his daughter asked where he was, and he said, St Louis. Jesus was born in Nazareth. You can look it up. Jesus was born in Bethlehem. It’s in there, too. It was a virgin birth one time out of four.

Does anybody know where Delaware is? That’s the point.

Scooter November 22, 2008 at 11:51 pm

I’d suggest treating the mansion with Evercleanse, otherwise the Cheneys’ aura will stick to the Naval Observatory walls like spackle or paste.

MarieDeGournay November 22, 2008 at 11:53 pm

[re=184056]facehead[/re]: that’s “fricken lazers on their heads.”

Ken Layne November 23, 2008 at 12:08 am

[re=184067]Crab1[/re]: Oh gosh, thanks! We’ll go ahead and change the ADVERTISING THAT PAYS FOR PEOPLE TO MAKE THIS SITE EVERY DAY when you send the money over for the new ads to better fit your tastes.

TGY November 23, 2008 at 7:03 am

He’s going to regret making enough gaffes to get on the short vp-list. Also, isn’t there a train from D.C. to Scranton?

[re=184162]Ken Layne[/re]: You mean bloggers don’t get money for nothing and chicks for free? Wait, maybe that’s rock stars. Never mind.

JDHART November 23, 2008 at 8:43 am

It won’t be all that bad after the fumigation and the exorcism to get rid of all the Cheney stink.

HuddledMass November 23, 2008 at 8:59 am

[re=184092]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: “…all of a sudden he’s forgotten his roots and it’s “Dr. Biden” instead of plain old “Joe”, eh? Why don’t we just call you Dr. Elitist Fancipants Joseph Esquire the Third while we’re at it….”

Because it’s MRS. Biden who is a DR. — the little wifey. Go on, admit it– you are a sexist.

Monsieur Grumpe' November 23, 2008 at 9:45 am

I hear the lair is equipped with hot and cold running baby blood. The real downside is that every single electrical outlet is filled with Glade Air Freshers. No word on the scent preferred by the Cheneys.

anonymousryan November 23, 2008 at 1:15 pm

OMG, Sacha Baron Cohen was right. Joe Biden is going to build train tracks to the White House and terrorist will hijack the train!

Servo November 23, 2008 at 2:55 pm

[re=184189]anonymousryan[/re]:
The Soliloquy Train?

Borat November 23, 2008 at 4:46 pm

[re=184162]Ken Layne[/re]: I want you and the staff to be super duper rich so put whatever ads you want here. I want you to be corrupted by capitalism. Just try some, you’ll like it.

What was that crazy pink movie ad over the summer? Man, I still pitture those legs coming out of that woman’s mouth. I was also a huge fan of every supersexy American Apparel ad ever here.

Did you ever consider product placements?

Or, if you have purists out there, charge them $19 bucks for ad free content. Hell, if that Plumber idiot can do it, why not you. Unfortunately, we aren’t as gullable a demographic to buy collectable plates or figurines for investment purposes. Generally I would say we prefer to spend our money on drugs, so maybe some Wonkette themed rolling paper or bongs might sell.

snig November 23, 2008 at 4:50 pm

Also Biden’s going to keep getting mail order catalogues from torturer supply companies.

Borat November 23, 2008 at 4:52 pm

[re=184201]Borat[/re]: Oh, product placements should be easily inserted by Blingee…like change that Peggy Noonan one so she’s got a pack of Marlboros and a some Trojans.

Borat November 23, 2008 at 4:53 pm

[re=184202]snig[/re]: Yuk, S&M supplies like Gimp gear?

Neon Trotsky November 23, 2008 at 5:55 pm

I can’t remember if Delaware is a part of Real America™ or not (it sure has enough fast food locations and gun shops for those who have driven along Route 40 or elsewhere), but I am outraged that Elitist Barry O forces Joe the Biden to abandon his pro-America American home for Liberal Washington.

smellyal8r November 23, 2008 at 7:14 pm

I like the idea of the Bushes leaving DC, but I’m even happier that the Cheneys are leaving. Good riddance to bad rubbish. While the WH needs all the doors and windows open for a couple of days (I know, it’ll be cold outside but bundle up) that VP House needs to be exorcised by any number of denominational and non-denominational shamans.

Servo November 23, 2008 at 8:06 pm

Lotsa burnin’ sage in every room of the VP mansion.
“Come and play with us, Joe. Come and play with us forever…and ever…and ever…”

guerilla-nation November 23, 2008 at 9:12 pm

now what the fuck am i going to do on the acela back to new york? used to be, the easiest way to kill the first half of the trip was to say, “hey joe, how’s it going?” now i may actually have to fucking talk to someone …

trh November 23, 2008 at 11:47 pm

You know what else is on that property? The atomic clock. I watched it there turn to 6-6-6 and then we had to go into lockdown because Cheney’s copter was landing?Coincidence? I think not.

Babs Hula November 24, 2008 at 12:11 am

Just so I’ll know.

Is there some reason I can’t log in with my other
favorite name and be able to “reply”?

Thanks so much.

Signed,

Sort of sad to be Here.

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