Happy Birthday, Joe Biden!

  barack obama got you a cupcake

Six whole cupcakes? How about spreading the wealth around?Oh check it out, Joe Biden had his little birthday office party today, on his birthday, at Obama’s office tower in Chicago. Joe is 66 years old, and also for his birthday he gets to be vice president, which is a fun thing! (He also has to live in that creepy Observatory and hear the moaning ghosts of Cheney’s victims for the next eight years, but at least he doesn’t have to take the goddamned train for six hours every night back to wherever he lives … Scranton?)

Here is what that website, Change.Gov, has to say about this office party with cupcakes:

Vice-President-elect Joe Biden turned 66 years old today.

To celebrate, President-elect Barack Obama surprised him at the Transition’s Chicago headquarters yesterday with cupcakes, candles, and a stirring rendition of Happy Birthday.

Here’s another stirring rendition, specifically for David Plouffe, who is sending new money-begging emails every half-hour, for god know what, “Help Obama have a super inauguration for himself,” whatever:

STOP SENDING ME THESE FUCKING EMAILS.
YOU WON & WE ARE IN A SERIOUS DEPRESSION AND WE ALREADY SENT YOU SOME FUCKING MONEY AND YOU WON.
SO STOP THIS SHIT OR I WILL HIT “REPORT SPAM” NEXT TIME.

Happy Birthday, Joe! [Change.gov]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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60 comments

  1. monty

    yeah david is really starting to resemble one of those chubby chicks that you pick up in a bar when you are hammered and they just cant get the hint that you are ignoring them, next thing you know he shows up at your work begging for money

  2. Mull_Man

    And later this evening, his sweet 192 year old mother will beat the crap out of him, just like old times.

  3. metropolitan

    back in stranton, in MY neighborhood, when a man wants to give a man some cupcakes he does it to his face.
    with a knuckle sandwich.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    I think that cupcakes are much nicer then what Cheney got for his 67th B-Day, “The Feast of a Thousand Fetuses.”

  5. tunamelt

    STOP SENDING ME THESE FUCKING EMAILS.
    YOU WON & WE ARE IN A SERIOUS DEPRESSION AND WE ALREADY SENT YOU SOME FUCKING MONEY AND YOU WON.
    SO STOP THIS SHIT OR I WILL HIT “REPORT SPAM” NEXT TIME.

    Already done.

  6. p-Sludge ofTheElves

    After the celebration, Biden was given a gross of as-yet-unsold refrigerator magnets.
    Get crackin’ there guy.

  7. Quacker

    Just so you know. I’m David Plouffe, and I know your online banking password. So DON”T FUCK WITH ME, and I’ll just keep sending you emails reminding you that I am now your overlord.

    Give money now! K? K.

  8. p-Sludge ofTheElves

    Because Biden behaved himself so well during the debate, coming off suave and not-at-all patronizing or sexist, he now has been rewarded with a presidential pre-pardon: he will be permitted to travel to wherever Sarah Palin is and grab his nuts at her while shouting “whooo!”

  9. SayItWithWookies

    [re=182613]grendel[/re]: Relax, it’s the fire of justice. It could burn Washington down in a minute, but to Hopey it just tickles.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    [re=182635]p-Sludge ofTheElves[/re]: Oh, awesome. I want permission to follow her around and ask her stuff out of a book of Jeopardy questions.

  11. Min

    Were they real cupcakes, or those pretentious, overdone gourmet cupcakes? And wouldn’t Cupcake be a cute Secret Service code name for the Veep?

  12. Jukesgrrl

    You forgot to report that President Hopey also gave Joe some of that great popcorn they sell on the street in Chicago. Let’s hope it’s not lethal like Bush’s pretzels.

  13. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Fools. Everyone knows you have to put the cupcakes in a pentagram if you want to keep Dick Cheney at bay.

  14. knitgrrl

    Seriously. I am SO SICK of the fundraising emails already. Don’t bother replying, you’ll get back an autoresponder with a “we might read your email, we might not, don’t count on it” message. Argh.

  15. NoWireHangers

    Aww, how cute! Just imagine if Hopey had baked them himself! They’d be all sloppily frosted and there might be a cigarette butt or rusted bolt in one or two of them. Just like when you kid tries to bake for the first time. Not that I have kids, but that’s what I hear it’s like. Just choke down the bad food because they tried.

  16. sarcasticusername

    i was actually worried for a second that i’d stop hearing from my polygamous email husband david plouffe, now that he was done using my money to make mini tv movies and get hopey elected (at least until 2012). thankfully, he hasn’t dumped me and 10 million others email fuck buddies just yet; i guess those greedy bastards aren’t done robbing us hoped out poor folks blind yet, there is after all still an inauguration to pay for.

  17. Neilist

    Are you sure those are “candles” on those “cupcakes”?

    As opposed to the burning fuses on bombs prepared by the terrorist, ex-Irgun murderer father of Hopey’s Chief of Staff?

    INCOMMINNNNNNINNNNNGGGGGGGG!:Change We Can Believe In!

    (I wonder if a miniature Bill Ayers pops out of each cupcake?)

    :::BOOM!:::

  18. problemwithcaring

    [re=182615]monty[/re]: Obama himself is like that hot guy that you liked right away Freshman year, but everyone thought was kinda lame and sketchy, then after he shows his sensitive and rugged side during Alternative Spring Break, every bitch in the Sohopmore bungalows wants to suck his dick.
    Sure, his homeboy David texts you and emails to like ask you if are coming to the spring picnic, but you are all, “Why should I David? Isn’t Brack like, totally dating America now? I mean, America’s going around saying they are together and they seem like they are in love.” And David is all, No way! Barack told me himself he hopes that you come to the picnic, he wants to see you. But when you come, America is sitting on his fucking lap the whole afternoon, feeding him cranberries, ’til you say fuck it and go back to the dorm to work on problem-sets because that’s what college is about, not all of this silly-shit.

    Wait, what was I talking about?

  19. blinky_twinkie

    Kewlest prezant EVAR: get handed flaming food by the President of the United States!!

    I’m too scared not to read all the e-mails from David Plouffe. If I stop, Hopeybell will DIE!! Come on, everybody! If you want Hopeybell to live, clap your hands!! Clap! Come on, clap!! Don’t die, Hopeybell! Please don’t die!!! I’ll read every single e-mail I get from MoveOn.Org, the DNC, the DSCC, and that guy from Nigeria if only you won’t let Hopeybell die!

  20. obfuscator

    [re=182638]Min[/re]:

    The cupcake mix contained dried & chopped arugula leaves. Eating the cupcakes will actually lower your body fat % and cause your farts to smell like social justice.

  21. OpusOne

    I’m so glad that their office birthday parties look as awkward as mine.

    “And I’d like to remind you all that tomorrow is Friday, and that is Hawaiian shirt day. Soooooo…if you’d like, feel free to wear a Hawaiian shirt, and jeans.”

  22. Vartan84

    A stirring rendition of Happy Birthday? Is Hopey suddenly an opera singer now too or something?
    What the e-mail didn’t mention are the gifts Obama gave to Biden (yes this ain’t a joke!): “Obama also surprised him by giving him a Chicago White Sox hat, a Chicago Bears hat, and a bucket of Garrett’s popcorn as gifts.”

    And in return to represent his own hometown, Biden gave Obama a Wilmington Blue Rocks (minor league baseball team) cap, some plummeting DuPont stock, and a pile of trash.

  23. Canuck13652

    OMG Obama totally has to stop sending me “pls can I haz more munies kthxbai” emails. I mean, seriously. Don’t the taxpayers get to step up at some point and pay for official things like transitions and shit?

    And anyway, since Barry threw us homos under the bus (thanks for helping the Yes folks make a robocall with you saying “I don’t support gay marriage” THE WEEKEND BEFORE THE ELECTION) I’m not giving him a dime till he does something for my pink pennies.

  24. azw88

    They are celebrating the New World Order with their secret Flaming Liberal ritual, the passing of burning food.

  25. scwrud

    66? How many more signs and portents do we need, folks? Hussein may have a nice smile and all, but he’s clearly the antichrist.

  26. problemwithcaring

    [re=182655]blinky_twinkie[/re]: Change has already come to America. Here the president is delivering birthday sweets, but currently no US city is under water.

  27. WadISay

    Oh, thanks for the cupcakes, Mr. President-elect, great! I’ll take ‘em. Here, you take this hula-hoop and hold it out at arm’s length–yeah, let it hang from your fist. Haha, lawnjockeyed! We used to do this in Scranton all the time! See, already the new President has been tested!

  28. Tra

    [re=182638]Min[/re]: Dude. I will take any pretentious cupcakes you have on hand, even if they have quotes from rarely read classical authors formed out of sprinkles on their frosting, in French.

  29. Toomush Infermashun

    HPPY BDAy, Joe Biden
    What state do you reside in?
    If it’s no longer Stanton
    then you can quit rantin’….

    just saying….

  30. Iggy Plop

    every time you click “report spam,” another hamster dies in Google’s vast dark laboratory and e-mail machineworks. think about that.

  31. coolcatdaddy

    Funny. The White House never released the photos of Dick Cheney and his cupcakes on his birthday.

    Wait – must get image out head, must get image….

  32. grevillea

    Whoa, that second photo is excellent. It’s like Joe said, ‘it’s my birthday Barry, please can you make flames appear from your bare hands, that is so cool’ and Barry’s like, ‘Well, I’m not really supposed to do that in front of Muggles, but OK, this one time. Just try not to get mesmerised and burn your fingers this time, lambchop’

  33. josereyes.theroof

    [re=182667]Vartan84[/re]: “We ain’t come to cause no trouble, we just came to do the Musselman Shuffle…”

  34. Deepthroat

    for some reason I named my cat cupcake when i was really little. i realized too late that that was pretty lame. However, it always serves me well when playing the ‘ole “what is your porn star name?” game. Cupcake Walton; ready for hot butseks.

  35. Panderfinder

    you bitters. you can’t handle the winz!

    imagine if things had turned out the OTHER way, and bob ba…
    er, WALNUTS! had lost Mizzou but won all those other states.
    he’d be handing flaming cupcakes to mooselini and
    David Plouffe would never email us. Again.

  36. dontquitnow

    OK, I know it’s “dontquitnow”, but seriously Dave. You can quit. Now.

    Just change your name to “Bank” and you can apparently get your cut of the seventyhundred gazillionty dollar bailout…er…rescue.

  37. glamourdammerung

    [re=182651]Neilist[/re]: Even if Rahm’s father was a terrorist, it is kind of lame to blame Rahm for it anymore than it is to blame W for his grandfather being a Nazi collaborator.

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