Ted Stevens is 85 years old and has served in the United States Senate since Reconstruction. He now has to leave, because he lost his latest re-election bid to some warm-blooded mammal from Anchorage. Join us as he delivers a stirring rendition of “Non, je ne regrette rien” before committing seppuku with a whale tusk.
10:58 AM — John Warner doing some of the old blah blah blah.
10:59 AM — He claims he has only been in the Senate for 40 years. This is a lie. He joined the Senate shortly after Napoleon’s defeat at Waterloo. He has fourteen million grandchildren and assorted relatives. “I dearly love each member of my family.”
11:00 AM — He reviews his many chairmanships and the many committees he has run. He used to be really powerful! What are the things on his tie? Are those polar bears?
11:01 AM — Alaska used to be an impoverished territory. Now it is an impoverished state, in need of precious petro dollars. Question: How the hell did Ted Stevens start out in California and end up in Alaska? Was the weather too nice?
11:03 AM — Ted Stevens invented Alaska so he could run it. That is the point.
11:04 AM — Various acts and legislative blah blah blah regarding Alaskan statehood. This is boring. When will the rending of garments commence?
11:05 AM — “My motto has been, ‘To hell with politics!’” And now politics says, “To hell with Ted!”
11:06 AM — God, he really is having a shitty year. He turned 85, he got convicted of seven felonies, and he got kicked off a gravy train he had been riding for 40 years. At least he has a nice house to go back to.
11:08 AM — “I don’t have a rear-view mirror.” And he yields the floor for the last time.
11:09 AM — Well, that was pretty goddamned dull, but nonetheless your editor, as is her obligation, got a little teary-eyed at the end there.
11:13 AM — OK, here is the thing: He actually pulled this thing off with dignity. What is it with these politicians that they cannot conduct themselves with some modicum of class until their careers are basically over? For eight wonderful minutes Ted Stevens looked like a dignified old gentleman instead of a histrionic fraud, and wasn’t that nice? Even Robert Byrd or whoever that is behind Harry Reid’s shoulder cried.
{ 97 comments }
OMG this liveblog is already way better than that one time I tried to liveblog a DC United match over at The DCenters.
Will someone text message me when he starts singing “My Way”?
Get defiant and indignant and shit, Ted…show some balls. Oh, for chrissakes…not literally
I’ve always said our fishermen were the best organized.
Poor Teddy Bear, we’ll miss him so much.
For me to poop on.
Tsk tsk. It’s seppuku.
Is he gone yet? Please?
nice Edit Piaf reference. and i would pay big money to see Stevens impaled by a Narwhal
http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n210/heartrl/narwhal_unicorn.jpg
Heh. He said his staff is hard.
He’s *really bad* at reading that very simple speech out loud… What’s up with that?
Sit down man you’re a bloody tragedy.
JESUS!!! I’d rather be playing WarCraft!
market up beyond 8000, Ted should have left a long time ago
What? No self-immolation? Bummer.
Repose on me… repose IN me… repose all over me, baby.
He’s giving his farewell on the Senate floor right now…it’s a bit heartbreaking. And then I remember…hey this guy cheated A LOT of people. Jeezy skeezy.
http://plightofthepumpernickel.blogspot.com
Oh Christ, they just wheeled in Byrd for additional noise making!!
I’m leaving the Senate to spend more time with my as-yet to be named boyfriend in federal prison.
Any bets on how long the MSM will talk about the 8 minutes he spoke, I estimate 4 million hours of coverage!!!
Is Senator Byrd crying over Uncle Ted or at the thought of dying while listening to Harry Fucking Reid?
[re=182017]bluetom00[/re]: It’s also Ted Stevens’ sad farewell, not Ted Steven’s sad farewell. But who’s counting?
And who’s this Ted Steven, anyway?
Tuck Fed Stevens!!
“I’m sorry that God din’t get me re-elected for you, Sarah.”
Okay, seriously, Reid, get your mouth off the man’s cock. He’s a Republican, he doesn’t like those things out in the open. Take it to the men’s room, please.
“I don’t have a rear-view mirror.” = Watch out for my trucknutz because I am backing the truck up without looking. Or it is some kind of cryptic message about prison buttsecks? Or both?
[re=182035]Larry McAwful[/re]: I have fixed both those things, you fucking whiners.
Hey, Tedman, watch out fer your cornhole buddy!
Who’s going to change his diapers now?
[re=182035]Larry McAwful[/re]: Actually, it is Ted Stevens’s sad farwell, no?
[re=182045]Sara K. Smith[/re]: It’s tough pleasing the pajama-clad jobless masses commenting from their parents’ basements.
[re=182048]rmontcal[/re]: I think it is Ted Stevens’ sad farewell.
Jesus, what is with all of these people fawning over Stevens? Don’t these senators know how to do a roast?
[re=182045]Sara K. Smith[/re]: Thank you, Sara. I just wish other people would make the effort to make me feel like my life has some sort of purpose. Is that so much to ask?
[re=182049]rambone[/re]: Actually, Larry and bluetom00 are both probably having a cigarette right about now. Squirm you worms!
[re=182051]Monkey[/re]: I found this reference:
• add ‘s to the singular form of the word (even if it ends in -s):
the owner’s car
James’s hat
[re=182048]rmontcal[/re]: Steven’s, Stevens’, Stevens’s… something about the name Steven and its derivatives brings bad juju lately. I dunno why. I’d better warn my brother-in-law. It’ll probably hurt him, too. I wonder if he’s a felon yet?
[re=182035]Larry McAwful[/re], [re=182045]Sara K. Smith[/re]: Sorry, guys. Proper usage is “Ted Stevens’s Sad Farewell,” because “Stevens,” despite ending in an “s,” is not a plural. See “Bridget Jones’s Diary” as evidence.
So, do you think Ted will actually spend anytime back in Alaska, except maybe to keep his residency and get that annual check? Teddy is movin’ to K Street, bay-bee.
11:05 AM — “My motto has been, ‘To hell with politics!’” And now politics says, “To hell with Ted!”
Heh heh. Great line.
Fer cryin’ out loud, why doesn’t someone pull out their Strunk & White & settle this with a little dignity.
[re=182049]rambone[/re]: Man, ever since Sarah Palin exposed us for what we truly are, I’m embarrassed to say I’m a blogger. Now when I show up at the local meat market in my plaid bathrobe and Dr. Dentons, no chick will even give me a second glance.
So lay off, already. You have no idea how hard my life is anymore.
i believe Jesus and Zeus are the only exceptions to the “s’s” rule.
/editorial wonkiness>
[re=182063]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Your post needs a question mark: “Why doesn’t someone pull out their Strunk & White and settle this with a little dignity?”
[re=182045]Sara K. Smith[/re]: I just fixed it myself by putting wite out on my computer screen and writing over it.
[re=182060]Jewdishoowary Square[/re]: I disagree. And I’ll see your Bridget Jones’s Diary and raise you a Chicago Manual of Style, which says in section 6.30, “If it ends with a z sound, treat it like a plural; if it ends with an s sound, treat it like a singular. Thus they would write ‘Dickens’, Hopkins’, Williams’,’ but also ‘Harris’s, Thomas’s, Callas’s, Angus’s, Willis’s,’ and the like.” The Manual then goes on to say that the University of Chicago prefers your way, writing Stevens’s instead of Stevens’, but suggests tolerance of both methods.
So we’re both right. I prefer the more complicated rule because I’m a grammar nerd with no friends.
[re=182068]Jewdishoowary Square[/re]: I thought about that; just checking to see if anyone’s paying attention. And the grammar police is out & about today.
this a sad day for Ted and even sadder day for America: enter stage far right, Sarah Palin for Senate. ARGH.
http://www.charlietueats.com
first time on this blog-just testing
[re=182045]Sara K. Smith[/re]:
I’m pretty sure itz “Stevenzez”.
When I was a copy editor I just added an apostrophe to words that already ended in s. Why? Because words like boss’s just look clumsy. And language is a living thing. It evolves. We don’t spell judgment with an e after the g anymore either. Okay, some people do, but they live in caves and break open deer shinbones to suck out the marrow. QED.
[re=182071]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Tsk. You mean “the grammar police are out and about today.” That’s a citation for you, but I’ll let your lazy ampersand use off with a warning… this time.
[re=182070]Larry McAwful[/re]: you obviously launched your editorial career in the Chicago-style living room of a known domestic grammarian terrorist.
Does anyone else want to see a ‘Ted Stevens in prison’ movie of the week?
Does anyone else hope that the movie is titled “I Know My Last Name is ‘Stevens’”?
[re=182077]SayItWithWookies[/re]: When it comes to the rule about adding another s to pluralize a word that already ends in s, it’s best to defer to the house style. So it’s really Wonkette‘s business whether it wants to add another s or not. Since this is the internet, I guess we all get to make up our own house styles. My rule of thumb is to spell it the way I would say it. Since I’d say “boss’s,” I add the s. But it hardly rankles me if someone uses your style. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
Can we just not worry about the ‘s or the ‘s’s or the s’, and just call him Uncle Ted Shitbag. Uncle Ted Shitbag’s speech. Uncle Ted Shitbag’s conviction. Shitbag’s withering old member. See, now it’s easy.
[re=182081]The Neoskeptic[/re]: Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. I’m not saying. But I will say that if you don’t want any trouble from me, you’d best not write “Bill Ayer’s.” Ever.
guys guys possesive ted stevens is spelled “DOOSHBAG”
[re=182083]obfuscator[/re]: How about, “From the Senate Floor to Jailhouse Whore” I likes’s'szes it
Uncle Ted pulled this off with dignity? What? The guy who wears the Incredible Hulk tie? Him?
I think Mark Begich should wear a Spiderman tie when he takes office. It’s tradition.
[re=182076]obfuscator[/re]: You are correct. All grammar problems can be skirted simply by switching to teh LOLhans:
http://www.lolhan.com/blog/2008/02/hay-guise.html
That mayor of Anchorageville is a goof! When he’s on TV, he always looks like he’s at a frat party, saying “WTF? I’m like senator? That is so awesome! It’s gonna be so fun. WTF?!!”
[re=182085]Monkey[/re]: i agree since ted shitbag doesnt end in s its clearly the best way to go, on the other hand dooshbag doesnt end with s either unless its plural in which case it would be dooshbags, which is what sarah was liveblogging in the first place
kthxbai
[re=182084]Larry McAwful[/re]: Look for “TEH WONKETTE MANUAL OF INTERWEB WRITING STYLEZ” in a reference section near you.
It’s now a race to see who gets their memoirs out first – Stevens or Palin.
I’m guessing Palin will be first as there’s only 2 years of Alaskan idiocy as opposed to decades of graft to report.
So what does the future hold for Ted? Mexican Mafia, La Nuestra Familia, or the Nazi Lowriders? I think whatever prison gang he joins, he’ll have ascended to the leadership within a year or two. He’s just that good of a politician and shower shanker.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
Ultimately, whatev. Also.
“11:03 AM — Ted Stevens invented Alaska so he could run it. That is the point.”
er, was that a typo (run)? did you mean ruin?
Sure he may have given a dignified speech, but he’s a felon and a bastard.
I missed it, but did this take place in the Senate chambers? Why are they letting a convicted criminal address the United States Senate?
Why isn’t this man in cuffs and orange jumpsuit, at the county klink?
[re=182102]Miller[/re]: Alaskistan Secedes and the First Dude Gives Ted a High Five and Pardon.
/purposely wasteful of Title Caps Format because of the analz’z’ above.
[re=182125]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Because Alaska doesn’t have counties. For hardened criminals like Stevens, it’s got a huge expanse of open tundra set aside for them to run free on while being hunted by sportsmen (and sportswomen) in helicopters. Also, they wouldn’t make him wear orange. He’d be too easy to spot, and that’s not sporting at all.
One solution is that when it sounds awkward, you can rewrite the sentence, so instead of “Ted Stevens’ Sad Farewell”, you could say “Ted Stevens is a frozen tundra turdball.”
This is all handled in the first chapter of Eats, Shoots and Leaves.
Wait, I thought he was being reinstated by Commissioner Roger Goodell?
Is that an asshat Ted’s wearing?
Maverick of the gilded age, corrupted by Grant’s cronies, exiled to a remote Siberia and now sent to die at the ghetto he created. Sad times folks, sad times.
[re=182141]Scarab[/re]: Sounds like a potential Onion headline:
Massive Husky-Fighting Operation Discovered in Basement of Ted Stevens
An Edith Piaf reference? Hot Sara…way hot.
What a bag of dicks. Maybe in prison he’ll figure out the difference between a “gift” and stealing. You know, like when his cellmate gives his other cellmate a Newport to roll with the new guy, THAT is a gift.
Why does Wonkette always use that picture of some old lady holding up a box of Cocoa Puffs in articles about Ted Stevens?
I hope the door hit him hard in the ass on his way out.
Sorry I missed the Apostrophe Festival.
I always like the first Senator Darren Stevens, not the second.
Too bad he has no rear view mirror – might need one in the slammer.
[re=182060]Jewdishoowary Square[/re]: See “Bridget Jones’s Diary” as evidence.
No, sir, I will not. Not for that reason or any other.
[re=182063]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Fuck Strunk & White.
Fowler’s Modern English Usage . . . FOREVER!!!!!
(And not the Americanized version (The New Fowler’s, etc.), either.)
:::Man, am I a dork or what?:::
Question here…if Alaska became a state in 1959 and Uncle Ted was elected in 1968 how did he have anything to do with statehood?
All this eulogizing, and nobody remembers him for the SERIES OF TUBES!
Does Ted get to keep the tiny elf? Only fair. Not to the elf though.
“To hell with politics. Just bring on the bribes.” Or, as he would say her, I can haz some Veco swag now?
Growing up in Anchorage, my Blazer didn’t have a rear review mirror. They didn’t charge me with seven felonies. Justice then had a somewhat lighter hand. Or maybe that’s why Uncle Ted wanted to move the trial up north.
And now I shall return to Alaska via a series of tubes…
Also, pondscum, Uncle Teddy worked in whatever government the territory of Alaska had before statehood. He spent many years advocating for its admission to the union, where it could suck at the federal teat while declaiming its citizens’ independent can-do spirit and go-it-alone attitude.
I wonder if the Russians can see Sarah Palin’s house from Kamchatka? And if they fear she has returned to Alaska to rear her head.
[re=182348]pondscum[/re]: That was “snakehood” not “statehood.”
8(, Ted, 8(.
[re=182017]bluetom00[/re]: “Tsk tsk. It’s seppuku.”
Tusk tusk. It’s seppuku.
There, fixed.
I can’t beleive that took a whole 15 minutes. I would have thought euthenasia was faster and cheaper
The whole ‘corrupt and useless career/dignified exit’ thing is overplayed. Someone should try being a decent human being for 40 years and then give a farewell speech that liberally quotes Veronica Mars and Escape From New York, exclaim “LATER BITCHES” and pull a Budd Dwyer.
Maybe Byrd was crying because he’s so happy the guy is gone. LOL.
seppukku with an oosik!
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