Pirate King Ted Stevens Is Sunk

 
  • Barack Obama explained how stopping global warming will also save the American economy. Green-collar jobs, people! [San Francisco Chronicle]
  • A judge closed public access to the trial of three men allegedly involved in the murder of a Russian reporter. Jurors apparently wouldn’t go into the courtroom if members of the media were there. [BBC News]
  • Vinegar Joe Lieberman may have escaped the wrath of his fellow Senators, but he still has his colleagues back home to worry about. [AP]
  • PIRATE BATTLES rage across the earth’s many oceans, particularly the Gulf of Aden, where a suspected “pirate mother ship” has been sunk. Brigands still roam the seas, however. [AP]
  • The heads of America’s three largest automakers testified before the Senate yesterday and managed to piss off everyone, Republican and Democrat alike, with their evasions coupled with pleas for billions more dollars so they can continue to make shitty cars that nobody wants to buy. [Washington Post]
  • God closed that door that Sarah Palin was hoping to “plow through.” We are spared a Senator Palin … for now. [New York Times]
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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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32 comments

  1. DoctorCulturae

    Such a sweet morning morsel with my delicious cup of Joe the Moaner. So he won’t get to play victim in DC, but his home constituency will gnaw at his ankles which the MSM won’t cover. No martyr drammer here. Karma is a beautiful thing.

  2. Serolf Divad

    My plan for the automakers:

    1) Lop the heads off all the top executives.
    2) Consolidate the “big three” into one “United States Motors” coporation
    3) Drop all products except the following:

    Ford: Focus, Mustang (in 4 and 6 cyl versions), Fusion, Escape (incl. Hybrid), Entire truck line
    Chevy: Corvette, Malibu, Cadillac CTS, Cadillac DTS
    Chrylser: 300, Pontiac Solstice, Dodge Grand Caravan, Jeep Wrangler

    Maybe a couple of models/segments I may have missed, but not much more.

    Kill off Lincoln and Mercury, from Ford and all other product lines from all other manufacturers. Dodge, Pontiac and Jeep become Chrysler. Cadillac remains it’s own brand. Redouble efforts on advanced technology vehicles like the Chevy Volt, and develop traditional Hybrid versions of as much of the current lineup as possible.

    Seriously, I don’t see how a bloated Detroit can survive otherwise.

  3. ForTheTurnstiles

    Don Young’s seat in the House may well have Sarah Barracuda’s name on it. Written in old man fart stains, sure, but recognizably hers.

  4. freakishlystrong

    [re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]: Uh, have you submitted this plan anywhere else besides a snarky blog? Because you should.

  5. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]: Why are you lumping Pontiac in with the Mopar products?

    Really, what America needs now more than ever is Lee Iacocca.

  6. coolcatdaddy

    [re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]: My plan for the automakers – let them fail and let the market sort it out.

  7. Terry

    [re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]:

    Oooh, no more Suburbans. I’m all for it. It will make grocery store parking lots in Texas MUCH easier to navigate.

    Give Chevy a little car. How about bringing back the Cav as a hybrid and put some more airbags in it. It was (the modern incarnations of it) an affordable little entry level car. Not particularly safe but reliable.

  8. loquaciousmusic

    Two members of Connecticut’s Democratic state central committee, Audrey Blondin and Myrna Watanabe, said they’ll still ask Connecticut’s top Democrats to consider a resolution repudiating Lieberman for publicly backing McCain. It also would ask him to resign from the party.

    OH MY GOD. Maybe Audrey Blondin and Myrna Watanabe live, like, close to me so I could meet them AND MORMON MARRY THEIR NAMES.

  9. friendlynerd

    [re=180775]Terry[/re]:
    The Cavalier is a prime example of what was wrong with Detroit small cars. Built on a 10-year-old platform, body gaps you could drive a truck through, interior fit and finish to rival a Yugo, uncomfortable, flimsy, and cheap in the worst sense. Not too sure about reliable, either.

  10. Doglessliberal

    [re=180769]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: sadly, I fear you are correct. She would jump on that opportunity like a Palin on a moose. But for now, Young seems in it for the long haul.

  11. TGY

    [re=180765]Terry[/re]: Like naval tradition, piracy is all rum, sodomy, and the lash. Sorta like a hot nightclub.

  12. FatCog

    A nice rider to the automaker bailout would be to chasten their lobbying efforts, and force them to re-establish other transit options- light rail intra city lines, heavy rail intercity/ interstate lines, fuel cell buses with solar panels on top to power heat and AC units.

    and FUCKING BIKE LANES that are useful and go somewhere, not just to the park.

  13. donner_froh

    It calls on the 72-member state central committee to “publicly censure and repudiate the words and actions” of Lieberman and asks him to leave the party.

    Censure and Repudiate are the new Renounce and Reject.

  14. jagorev

    Jesus, we’re even outsourcing our anti-piratery to India now? Goddamn Indian Navy be takin’ our jerbs.

  15. slithytoves

    [re=180802]TGY[/re]: It’s true! I talked my folks into buying a Mercury Montero that I call Sherman so that when they drove to Florida they could kill and not be killed.

  16. Serolf Divad

    [re=180842]jagorev[/re]:

    What’s particularly amazing is that they enforce international maritime anti-piracy law from a phone bank in Delhi: “Good day sir, how may I be of assistance in sinking the pirate mother-ship that is trying to board you today?”

  17. TGY

    [re=180872]slithytoves[/re]: Ahahahaa, that’s so wrong. One would also expect a car named after General Sherman to be slightly unhinged.

  18. pondscum

    [re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]: I’ll trade you the new Dodge Challenger for the Ford Mustang. I drove one over the weekend and had to change my pants afterward.

  19. Theodorick Of York

    [re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]:
    Great plan!
    Or…
    Instead of a Detroit bail out we could scoop up the entire truck line and Volvo from Ford for a song in the bankruptcy sale, sink the rest into a controlling interest in VW/Porsche/Audi, and put the UAW to work on solar, wind, geothermal and axfucking Limbaugh, Hannity, Coulter, et al.

  20. PerhapsSo

    Just give all of the Big Three Executive, Ted Stevens, and Joe Lieberman to the pirates. Call it a diplomatic mission. Let the pirates sort it out.

  21. Serolf Divad

    [re=180905]pondscum[/re]:

    The Challenger is gorgeous and fast, but I don’t see how it survives the shakeout, much as I’d like it to. It just cannot be retooled into budget tuner car the way the ‘Stang could.

  22. longjohnson

    [re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]: Look, I think you are partially on to something but the Focus was too much. It almost pushed me over the edge.

    Perhaps, it is better to only produce the new Corvette ZR1 (638-hp V-8) that was featured in the latest Fortune magazine “Cool cars for tough times” article. What better way to bring Detroit and America back at 3.4 seconds (0-60mph) and all for the bargain basement price of $105,000, in contrast to the high priced Aston Martin that pushes the medium perimeter at $262,000.

    Let them drive fast cars . . .

    http://money.cnn.com/galleries/2008/fortune/0810/gallery.callaway_coolcars.fortune/index.html.

Comments are closed.