DAILY BRIEFING  8:44 am November 19, 2008

Pirate King Ted Stevens Is Sunk

by Sara K. Smith

  • Barack Obama explained how stopping global warming will also save the American economy. Green-collar jobs, people! [San Francisco Chronicle]
  • A judge closed public access to the trial of three men allegedly involved in the murder of a Russian reporter. Jurors apparently wouldn’t go into the courtroom if members of the media were there. [BBC News]
  • Vinegar Joe Lieberman may have escaped the wrath of his fellow Senators, but he still has his colleagues back home to worry about. [AP]
  • PIRATE BATTLES rage across the earth’s many oceans, particularly the Gulf of Aden, where a suspected “pirate mother ship” has been sunk. Brigands still roam the seas, however. [AP]
  • The heads of America’s three largest automakers testified before the Senate yesterday and managed to piss off everyone, Republican and Democrat alike, with their evasions coupled with pleas for billions more dollars so they can continue to make shitty cars that nobody wants to buy. [Washington Post]
  • God closed that door that Sarah Palin was hoping to “plow through.” We are spared a Senator Palin … for now. [New York Times]
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Terry November 19, 2008 at 8:58 am

None of those pirates looks a bit like Jack Sparrow. Disney misled us.

DoctorCulturae November 19, 2008 at 9:02 am

Such a sweet morning morsel with my delicious cup of Joe the Moaner. So he won’t get to play victim in DC, but his home constituency will gnaw at his ankles which the MSM won’t cover. No martyr drammer here. Karma is a beautiful thing.

DoctorCulturae November 19, 2008 at 9:03 am

Arrrr, everrrrrrrebody, grrrrrrowl yerrrrrrr arrrrrrrs!

Serolf Divad November 19, 2008 at 9:06 am

My plan for the automakers:

1) Lop the heads off all the top executives.
2) Consolidate the “big three” into one “United States Motors” coporation
3) Drop all products except the following:

Ford: Focus, Mustang (in 4 and 6 cyl versions), Fusion, Escape (incl. Hybrid), Entire truck line
Chevy: Corvette, Malibu, Cadillac CTS, Cadillac DTS
Chrylser: 300, Pontiac Solstice, Dodge Grand Caravan, Jeep Wrangler

Maybe a couple of models/segments I may have missed, but not much more.

Kill off Lincoln and Mercury, from Ford and all other product lines from all other manufacturers. Dodge, Pontiac and Jeep become Chrysler. Cadillac remains it’s own brand. Redouble efforts on advanced technology vehicles like the Chevy Volt, and develop traditional Hybrid versions of as much of the current lineup as possible.

Seriously, I don’t see how a bloated Detroit can survive otherwise.

ForTheTurnstiles November 19, 2008 at 9:10 am

Don Young’s seat in the House may well have Sarah Barracuda’s name on it. Written in old man fart stains, sure, but recognizably hers.

freakishlystrong November 19, 2008 at 9:11 am

[re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]: Uh, have you submitted this plan anywhere else besides a snarky blog? Because you should.

2druk2phluq November 19, 2008 at 9:11 am

[re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]: I would go with Flintstones cars.

ForTheTurnstiles November 19, 2008 at 9:12 am

[re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]: Why are you lumping Pontiac in with the Mopar products?

Really, what America needs now more than ever is Lee Iacocca.

coolcatdaddy November 19, 2008 at 9:13 am

[re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]: My plan for the automakers – let them fail and let the market sort it out.

Terry November 19, 2008 at 9:23 am

[re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]:

Oooh, no more Suburbans. I’m all for it. It will make grocery store parking lots in Texas MUCH easier to navigate.

Give Chevy a little car. How about bringing back the Cav as a hybrid and put some more airbags in it. It was (the modern incarnations of it) an affordable little entry level car. Not particularly safe but reliable.

loquaciousmusic November 19, 2008 at 9:26 am

Two members of Connecticut’s Democratic state central committee, Audrey Blondin and Myrna Watanabe, said they’ll still ask Connecticut’s top Democrats to consider a resolution repudiating Lieberman for publicly backing McCain. It also would ask him to resign from the party.

OH MY GOD. Maybe Audrey Blondin and Myrna Watanabe live, like, close to me so I could meet them AND MORMON MARRY THEIR NAMES.

friendlynerd November 19, 2008 at 9:27 am

The Cavalier is a prime example of what was wrong with Detroit small cars. Built on a 10-year-old platform, body gaps you could drive a truck through, interior fit and finish to rival a Yugo, uncomfortable, flimsy, and cheap in the worst sense. Not too sure about reliable, either.

Doglessliberal November 19, 2008 at 9:45 am

[re=180769]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: sadly, I fear you are correct. She would jump on that opportunity like a Palin on a moose. But for now, Young seems in it for the long haul.

jodyleek November 19, 2008 at 9:50 am

God shut the door on Sarah Palin yet again! Now, when will he give her a swirly?

TGY November 19, 2008 at 9:55 am

[re=180765]Terry[/re]: Like naval tradition, piracy is all rum, sodomy, and the lash. Sorta like a hot nightclub.

TGY November 19, 2008 at 9:58 am

[re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]: Lincoln! But where will senior citizens buy their boat cars?

FatCog November 19, 2008 at 10:05 am

A nice rider to the automaker bailout would be to chasten their lobbying efforts, and force them to re-establish other transit options- light rail intra city lines, heavy rail intercity/ interstate lines, fuel cell buses with solar panels on top to power heat and AC units.

and FUCKING BIKE LANES that are useful and go somewhere, not just to the park.

Servo November 19, 2008 at 10:15 am

You were reading my thoughts from yesterday.

donner_froh November 19, 2008 at 10:17 am

It calls on the 72-member state central committee to “publicly censure and repudiate the words and actions” of Lieberman and asks him to leave the party.

Censure and Repudiate are the new Renounce and Reject.

jagorev November 19, 2008 at 10:38 am

Jesus, we’re even outsourcing our anti-piratery to India now? Goddamn Indian Navy be takin’ our jerbs.

slithytoves November 19, 2008 at 10:55 am

[re=180802]TGY[/re]: It’s true! I talked my folks into buying a Mercury Montero that I call Sherman so that when they drove to Florida they could kill and not be killed.

Serolf Divad November 19, 2008 at 10:55 am


What’s particularly amazing is that they enforce international maritime anti-piracy law from a phone bank in Delhi: “Good day sir, how may I be of assistance in sinking the pirate mother-ship that is trying to board you today?”

ManchuCandidate November 19, 2008 at 10:59 am

Somewhere at fancy buffet, Michael Moore laughs.

TGY November 19, 2008 at 11:07 am

[re=180872]slithytoves[/re]: Ahahahaa, that’s so wrong. One would also expect a car named after General Sherman to be slightly unhinged.

Serolf Divad November 19, 2008 at 11:18 am


FWIW, here it is, written up in a little more detail.

You can thank me when we’re A number 1 again, assuming Chery Motors doesn’t bury us all in the next 10 years.

pondscum November 19, 2008 at 11:18 am

[re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]: I’ll trade you the new Dodge Challenger for the Ford Mustang. I drove one over the weekend and had to change my pants afterward.

Theodorick Of York November 19, 2008 at 11:50 am

[re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]:
Great plan!
Instead of a Detroit bail out we could scoop up the entire truck line and Volvo from Ford for a song in the bankruptcy sale, sink the rest into a controlling interest in VW/Porsche/Audi, and put the UAW to work on solar, wind, geothermal and axfucking Limbaugh, Hannity, Coulter, et al.

PerhapsSo November 19, 2008 at 12:10 pm

Just give all of the Big Three Executive, Ted Stevens, and Joe Lieberman to the pirates. Call it a diplomatic mission. Let the pirates sort it out.

Serolf Divad November 19, 2008 at 12:11 pm


The Challenger is gorgeous and fast, but I don’t see how it survives the shakeout, much as I’d like it to. It just cannot be retooled into budget tuner car the way the ‘Stang could.

S.Luggo November 19, 2008 at 12:21 pm

Joe’s wrist must be turning pink from all of that slapping.

pondscum November 19, 2008 at 12:22 pm

[re=180963]Serolf Divad[/re]: You’re hashin’ my buzz.

longjohnson November 19, 2008 at 1:23 pm

[re=180768]Serolf Divad[/re]: Look, I think you are partially on to something but the Focus was too much. It almost pushed me over the edge.

Perhaps, it is better to only produce the new Corvette ZR1 (638-hp V-8) that was featured in the latest Fortune magazine “Cool cars for tough times” article. What better way to bring Detroit and America back at 3.4 seconds (0-60mph) and all for the bargain basement price of $105,000, in contrast to the high priced Aston Martin that pushes the medium perimeter at $262,000.

Let them drive fast cars . . .


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