Last Great American Whale.GOOD-BYE, TED STEVENS! “It’s official, and it’s a national tragedy: Ted Stevens has lost his Senate seat to some Democrat, in Alaska. Today, on his 85th birthday, the convicted felon and old white Republican Ted Stevens has been voted out of the office — voted out of office by Alaskans.” [AOL Political Machine]

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  1. The only difference between Ted and other Politicians is the fact that he got caught.
    Ted has done a lot of good things for Alaska and particularly the Military.

  2. “Back in Thomas Jefferson’s day, people who didn’t own land wanted to vote. Next thing you know, women wanted to vote. Then slaves wanted to be free — that may have been before the women-wanting-to-vote thing, history is unclear — and then minorities wanted to vote!”

    It’s instructive to remember Ben Franklin’s thoughts from the days when only property owners could vote. Mules and horses were qualifying property. So, Ol’ Ben said, if a man has a mule, he can vote. Then he loses the mule and can’t vote. So where does the ability to vote reside: in the man or the mule?

    These were the kind of things men could think about, back when women couldn’t vote and instead would just bring you a brimming stein of mead while you contemplated the nature of men, women and mules, and the franchise….good times!

  3. [re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]: Good point. By the way, there’s this one toddler rapist slash murderer currently languishing in the federal pen who wants to talk to you. See, he’d occasionally volunteered in the soup kitchen and in the Big Brothers program between the sodomy and the murders, and he was wondering if he could solicit your advice on reopening his case based on those good things he did. I mean, the only difference between him and other volunteers is really just tthat he got caught doing something naughty, innit?

  4. [re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]: Yes, the only difference between Stevens and every other politician is 7 felonies. Much like the only difference between me and John Holmes is 7 inches.

  5. [re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]: Bla bla bla, Fuck you and your apologist bullshit. Stevens will probably get a pardon from Bush, but he deserves to die in prison. This is the kind of thing that undermines our democracy and should be punished without mercy.

  6. He’s going to wish he hadn’t ordered the Buns of Steel DVD. He’d find fewer takers in the Graybar Hotel Shower Room if he had a normally wrinkled and sagging 85 year old butt….. I’m jus’ sayin’….

  7. It’s sad that the Democrats are getting away with all this election stealing. When is VECO going to conduct an investigation and get to the bottom of this?

  8. [re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]: Military is not a proper noun. Unless you are referring to Phineas G. Military, who tenderly nursed a wounded Ted Stevens back to health after an unfortunate accident with a piler-buncher at the Alaska statehood ceremony. Ted spent his entire career repaying Military for his kindness and love and wound nursing.

  9. [re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]:“…Ted has done a lot of good things for Alaska and particularly the Military.”

    Yeah, he also did a lot of good for the oil company that renovated his house for free.

  10. [re=180593]badmuthagoose[/re]: BTW, the asshole still gets his $122,000 a year pension for life

    Look on the bright side. Stevens in in his eighties so his pension will not last that long.

  11. [re=180579]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Yeah, but think of it this way, imagine how big the Democrat’s victory would be without Diebold election machines.

  12. I’m sure that Steven’s Hulk tie will do him a lot of good in Prison.

    Or course, there he will find out that he, himself, is a series of tubes.

  13. This last spring I bought Mark Begich a Blow Job shot at a bar in Anchorage called McGinley’s. He accepted but pushed all the whip cream onto the floor with his hand. He will be a great senator.

  14. 2 Questions:

    1) Does Ted have to go to jail now?

    2) Do you think Sarah Palin is sad that Ted won’t get kicked out of office so she can appoint herself senator?

  15. [re=180623]chalkgirl[/re]:
    (1): No
    (2): NO NO NO NO NO

    I mean c’mon.

    @Alaska: I don’t care that you elected a Dem, you are still fucking retarded. I hope all 9 of you die in a fiery car crash in San Bernardino County. If we’re lucky, none of you will wake up at all. YOU JUST HAD TO COME DOWN HERE WITH YOUR SARAH, ALASKA, DIDN’T YOU? Well. You had it coming. Bring it, bitch.
    I hope you declare war on California first. We will fucking own you….. like enslave you in our fields and such.

  16. Can we thank ACORN for this victory? Oh wait, there are no minorities to register in Alaska. Well wait till someone tells Sarah Palin her root to the senate just got blocked and she will find say about 5000 votes in Wasilla.

  17. SayItWithWookies: VECO – my thoughts exactly. Hopefully we can watch the snowball grow bigger and go faster as Ms. AlassKah has to answer something about Todd’s “buddies”, the ones that were just hangin’ around Wasilla with nuttin’ to do when the the Palin’s 4 bed, 4 bath, 2 story lakefront home was built in all haste.

    This tangled plot has the potential to get all Perry Mason….such as, Raymond Chandler’s, “The Lady in the Lake”, also.

  18. [re=180623]chalkgirl[/re]:
    1) Grizzly Bear Cage Death Match with The Russian, Begich.
    2) Our snowbilly princess doesn’t know the meaning of the word “sad”.

  19. [re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]: For someone that bitches so much about Obama, you sure seem very forgiving of Stevens. Almost like you had some kind of agenda…hmm…

  20. Yeah, he may have lost the election, but next thing ya know Ted will get a patron to jack up his prison cell and build a rumpus room underneath, then add decks and porches all around.

  21. Ah! AH! AHHHH!

    I feel like the HMS BigAss just hit an iceberg and I’ve got to unload all my tube jokes. I see some fine Wonketteers have already tossed a few overboard. Quickly! Quickly! Has felching been covered yet? Aw shit, here is a series of haikus:

    Ted Stevens knew tubes,
    Texas tea, and Caribou
    The Internets thrive

    The Alaskan tubes
    Throbbed with oily sludge; black gold
    This tube is now clear

    A Bridge to Nowhere
    Dies in the Alaskan north
    Russia rears its head

  22. As an Alaskan, I’m sick and tired of hearing Ted’s apologists talk about all the good he’s done for the state during his tenure- excuse me, but wasn’t that HIS FUCKING JOB? Screw that and screw him- he can take his sense of entitlement off to jail. Asshole. Good thing I’m not bitter.

  23. To get out of my doghouse, Alaska must send Palin back to Wassila in 2 years. and they must do so convincingly, whether it be beating her in her re-up for gov or smash her grab for the senate seat.

  24. [re=180627]Constitutional Riots[/re]: I remember that story, and it should be further investigated. I am, however, calling bs on the such as + literary reference + also construction. That’s like L7 touring with Sean Assity’s freedom concert thingy.

    [re=180637]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: That’s frightening. I mean, if Natalee Holloway can make a comeback, then so can Sarah Palin.

  25. You people are disgusting right now. Anniegetyourfun, who is a real person believe it or now (Ripleys reference er something) has decided this was not a place to her favor. We are talking a longtime commenter here people.

    Be more funny or die. I, as well as most of the longstanding commenter community, don’t care. The “editors” might care, but that is because Ken is an awesome dood who has recently decided to say “fuck this” and Jim is a hopeful blogger-type who said “fuck this” months ago but never got his page-view share of it. Everyone is pissed off now. However Jim is being too arrogant to actually READ these tips that come. In circumstance, only Tony the Tiger, a piece of shit, can deal with it.


  26. [re=180593]badmuthagoose[/re]: that’s why I wanted him kicked out so they could then vote to kill his benefits….. I am tired of crooked politicians making coin after getting caught… I think that they should seize Ted’s house that was renovated, as the work was ill-gotten, just like a drug dealers Escalade.

  27. I have never been more sober than I am not, but the I.V. was filled with eggnog when I was a little baby (to be eaten by the hungry Republican party), so who knows…

  28. [re=180684]Ken Layne[/re]:

    I don’t even know who I am anymore. Please overlord, tell me. (OH and by the way I’ll be going to Bishop, Goldfield and skiing in Mammoth for Turkey Day for the specific purpose of torturing you and stealing your house for Somalian pirates, who have already given me a very HEFTY reward.)

    Shit I’ve been here for 3 years and stuffs (what does Rum do to a man?)

  29. [re=180684]Ken Layne[/re]: And one other thing, the site’s a fuckload more funny when you are here.

    No disrespect to Jim, but Senor Layne has quite an edge on the definition of world assfucking affairs.
    Meh. Jim’s funny as hell, but Mr. Mojave Los Angeles carries the key to my heart-erection.


  30. [re=180645]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I had not thought of that chilling implication.

    Still, it says something about how safe our society must be that another blond teenager hasn’t gotten herself killed in a warm place for, what, a decade now?

  31. [re=180624]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Cali’s not so great. I mean you’ve got a whole lotta jackasses living in absurd exurban developments that won’t survive the next firestorm, driving fucking Hummers, and hooking up in SF, while still voting for Prop 8. Alaska’s a beautiful place, somewhat degraded by having fuckfaces like Sarah P. and Mister Tubes. Still, I’d rather live there than in San Berdoo.

    Sorry for the bad language!

  32. I wish I could go over and offer some consolin’ to that one fine Stevens daughter who was at the trial every day….the one that looks like Belinda Carlisle….yeah, that one…..mmmmmffff……

    *experiences deja Jill Biden or something*……

  33. Obviously Ken knows that a pair or shorts has nothing on Jim Newell, at all, like ever. HOWEVER we must question Ken Layne and his recent transactions with people that aren’t within the Bush Administration. For that alone I think we need to examine teh editor foke moor oftens, and swiftly, like a Salem witch trial.

    Aw fuck it I just want to meet Ken fuckin’ Layne down south and have a beer next weekend. This is just not right.

    HOWEVER I will argue that he is a terrorist if I don’t meet him for said beer. I HAVE MY WAYS, Mr. LAYNE.

  34. [re=180721]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Shorty–Don’t you realize that “Ken Layne” is only a figment of the collective consciousness. If we stop thinking of him he ceases to exist, just like Hope!

  35. [re=180666]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: [re=180684]Ken Layne[/re]:

    I feel the need to interprete, here, oh, Um, ok, have I just read this right: has a hankering for Ken, and there is some common ground to fulfill this?

    Why is it a moral imperative to revive/help/support Mr. Jim Newell? Can he carry his weight, literally and mentally, not to mention mentally?

    Does he earn his cup of rice for the group? What would Mao/Stalin say? not to remember our history is to be condemned to repeat the damn thing OVER and OVER, and OVER>> ad regurgitem..

    Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas to All and To All a Good Night, Yehah ! to the U.S, of America—- the end is near kids, and we don’t know it. (sign)

  36. “I am not one to appoint myself or a member of my family to take the place of any vacancy.”
    -Sarah Palin

    So, where’s Todd Palin’s seat in the US Senate now, I wonder?

  37. Them 250,000 grand worth of home improvements at your idiotic house ain’t lookin’ too purty right now, is they, Teddy boy?

    And jist how cans ya’ enjoy them home improvements when yer sittin’ in jail with a bunch o’ other Alaskan politicians and oil executives? Guess yer wife and her corrupt cronies can enjoy the house all by themselves, now!

    We hear them Alaskan jails gets might cold in the middle of winter up thar in Alaska. And there ain’t much to do in them cold jails…

  38. Screenplay ending for “The Ted Stevens Story”:


    Oversized Prison Thug
    Beeyatch, get over behind the dryer. I ain’t had no nut for 45 minutes.

    (in his best Senate-floor shout)

    Ain’t no filibusters in this joint, Mummyboy. I said GET IN THERE!

    uh… no?

    –THE END–

  39. [re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]: Uhh, what the fuck? Who invited all our crazy old uncles to the party? No, the difference between Ted Stevens and the rest of the Senate is that Ted Stevens is a convicted felon. Get it? This “they all do it but only Ted got caught” bullshit is, in the words of my man H.L. Mencken, is “buncombe doubly damned.”

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