FALLEN HEROES  10:05 pm November 18, 2008

by Ken Layne

Last Great American Whale.GOOD-BYE, TED STEVENS! “It’s official, and it’s a national tragedy: Ted Stevens has lost his Senate seat to some Democrat, in Alaska. Today, on his 85th birthday, the convicted felon and old white Republican Ted Stevens has been voted out of the office — voted out of office by Alaskans.” [AOL Political Machine]

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choinski November 18, 2008 at 10:07 pm

So long, tubey!

Barrett808 November 18, 2008 at 10:09 pm

Don’t let the prison door hit you in the @ss.

populucious November 18, 2008 at 10:09 pm

Well, I say the ‘mercan peoples send those Alaskan’s a case of our best domestic beers for saving us the trouble.

Well done!

Texan Bulldoggette November 18, 2008 at 10:11 pm

He & Palin can go drown their sorrows over a cold glass of whale blubber & moose blood. Cheers!

Sonic Former Youth November 18, 2008 at 10:11 pm

I wonder what door god is telling Sarah about now?

El Bombastico November 18, 2008 at 10:12 pm

What Ken doesn’t say is that the Alaskan voters have replaced him with a talking “Big Mouth Billy Bass” toy.

comradepaulson November 18, 2008 at 10:12 pm

And Alaska partially redeems itself in the end! Everybody gets extra rides on the “snow machine”!!

Keram2 November 18, 2008 at 10:15 pm

Flushed down the tubes!

memzilla November 18, 2008 at 10:16 pm

Hey, I gotcher Bridge Ta Nowhere rycheer, punk!

tinybubbles November 18, 2008 at 10:19 pm

I’m so glad Begich won…”Senator Palin” was oddly more frightening than “VP Palin”. Happy birthday corrupt Ted!

iaro November 18, 2008 at 10:20 pm

Thank you, Caribou Jesus!

graceless November 18, 2008 at 10:21 pm

[re=180550]El Bombastico[/re]: Gloria Gainer, eat your heart out!

The Pumpernickel November 18, 2008 at 10:22 pm

Thank God. Maybe they’re finally coming to their senses.


AxmxZ November 18, 2008 at 10:23 pm

Pack him in tubes and ship him back out to Arctic.

tocute2btrue November 18, 2008 at 10:23 pm

The only difference between Ted and other Politicians is the fact that he got caught.
Ted has done a lot of good things for Alaska and particularly the Military.

Scandalabra November 18, 2008 at 10:26 pm

Ken, you bitch!! I bet some AOLers are going to take exception with your views.

V572625694 November 18, 2008 at 10:26 pm

“Back in Thomas Jefferson’s day, people who didn’t own land wanted to vote. Next thing you know, women wanted to vote. Then slaves wanted to be free — that may have been before the women-wanting-to-vote thing, history is unclear — and then minorities wanted to vote!”

It’s instructive to remember Ben Franklin’s thoughts from the days when only property owners could vote. Mules and horses were qualifying property. So, Ol’ Ben said, if a man has a mule, he can vote. Then he loses the mule and can’t vote. So where does the ability to vote reside: in the man or the mule?

These were the kind of things men could think about, back when women couldn’t vote and instead would just bring you a brimming stein of mead while you contemplated the nature of men, women and mules, and the franchise….good times!

rambone November 18, 2008 at 10:27 pm

This is a sad day for tubes and corrupt SOB’s everywhere.

AxmxZ November 18, 2008 at 10:27 pm

[re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]: Good point. By the way, there’s this one toddler rapist slash murderer currently languishing in the federal pen who wants to talk to you. See, he’d occasionally volunteered in the soup kitchen and in the Big Brothers program between the sodomy and the murders, and he was wondering if he could solicit your advice on reopening his case based on those good things he did. I mean, the only difference between him and other volunteers is really just tthat he got caught doing something naughty, innit?

shortsshortsshorts November 18, 2008 at 10:28 pm


rambone November 18, 2008 at 10:29 pm

[re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]: Yes, the only difference between Stevens and every other politician is 7 felonies. Much like the only difference between me and John Holmes is 7 inches.

Fivetree November 18, 2008 at 10:29 pm

Yeah, when you get to prison bend over and take it up your bridge to nowhere.

Crab1 November 18, 2008 at 10:33 pm

Good bye Alaska! It was nice having you in the national spotlight!

Godot November 18, 2008 at 10:34 pm

Uncle Ted has a new series of tubes to acquaint himself with: the bars of his prison cell!

dano November 18, 2008 at 10:36 pm

[re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]: Bla bla bla, Fuck you and your apologist bullshit. Stevens will probably get a pardon from Bush, but he deserves to die in prison. This is the kind of thing that undermines our democracy and should be punished without mercy.

Weeping Jesus November 18, 2008 at 10:36 pm

He’s going to wish he hadn’t ordered the Buns of Steel DVD. He’d find fewer takers in the Graybar Hotel Shower Room if he had a normally wrinkled and sagging 85 year old butt….. I’m jus’ sayin’….

SayItWithWookies November 18, 2008 at 10:39 pm

It’s sad that the Democrats are getting away with all this election stealing. When is VECO going to conduct an investigation and get to the bottom of this?

Crab1 November 18, 2008 at 10:40 pm

[re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]: Military is not a proper noun. Unless you are referring to Phineas G. Military, who tenderly nursed a wounded Ted Stevens back to health after an unfortunate accident with a piler-buncher at the Alaska statehood ceremony. Ted spent his entire career repaying Military for his kindness and love and wound nursing.

Crab1 November 18, 2008 at 10:41 pm

[re=180569]rambone[/re]: Your penis is 19 inches! I could wear it for a belt!

Rukasu November 18, 2008 at 10:41 pm
badmuthagoose November 18, 2008 at 10:42 pm

I say we bring shame back. Go hide your big ugly face, Ted.

Rukasu November 18, 2008 at 10:42 pm


dano November 18, 2008 at 10:43 pm

[re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]:“…Ted has done a lot of good things for Alaska and particularly the Military.”

Yeah, he also did a lot of good for the oil company that renovated his house for free.

badmuthagoose November 18, 2008 at 10:46 pm

BTW, the asshole still gets his $122,000 a year pension for life, whether he goes to prison or not. Now I really REALLY want him to go to prison.

SayItWithWookies November 18, 2008 at 10:47 pm

[re=180585]Rukasu[/re]: AOL? The wading pool of the internets? Hey — who taught you how to follow hyperlinks?

Grimnir November 18, 2008 at 10:48 pm

The polling place is not a big truck!

bitchincamaro November 18, 2008 at 10:48 pm

Adios, Alsakan Asshat!

dano November 18, 2008 at 10:50 pm

[re=180593]badmuthagoose[/re]: BTW, the asshole still gets his $122,000 a year pension for life

Look on the bright side. Stevens in in his eighties so his pension will not last that long.

NYNYNY November 18, 2008 at 10:51 pm

He wasn’t pushing for secession hard enough. AIP thru him under the bus.

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 18, 2008 at 10:51 pm

[re=180579]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Yeah, but think of it this way, imagine how big the Democrat’s victory would be without Diebold election machines.

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 18, 2008 at 10:53 pm

I’m sure that Steven’s Hulk tie will do him a lot of good in Prison.

Or course, there he will find out that he, himself, is a series of tubes.

bitchincamaro November 18, 2008 at 10:55 pm

[re=180599]dano[/re]: Especially if there’s a shiv in his near future.

Bring Back Anthony Mason November 18, 2008 at 10:59 pm

This is great news, obviously, but…no swimsuit pics of Stevens? Color me disappointed.

Sangwi Ddong Chim November 18, 2008 at 11:00 pm

This last spring I bought Mark Begich a Blow Job shot at a bar in Anchorage called McGinley’s. He accepted but pushed all the whip cream onto the floor with his hand. He will be a great senator.

ioksotot23 November 18, 2008 at 11:04 pm

Tekeli-li, Tekeli-li, Tekeli-li

LuckyJim November 18, 2008 at 11:04 pm

Goodbye, you magnificent tubular bastard!


chalkgirl November 18, 2008 at 11:13 pm

2 Questions:

1) Does Ted have to go to jail now?

2) Do you think Sarah Palin is sad that Ted won’t get kicked out of office so she can appoint herself senator?

shortsshortsshorts November 18, 2008 at 11:18 pm

(1): No

I mean c’mon.

@Alaska: I don’t care that you elected a Dem, you are still fucking retarded. I hope all 9 of you die in a fiery car crash in San Bernardino County. If we’re lucky, none of you will wake up at all. YOU JUST HAD TO COME DOWN HERE WITH YOUR SARAH, ALASKA, DIDN’T YOU? Well. You had it coming. Bring it, bitch.
I hope you declare war on California first. We will fucking own you….. like enslave you in our fields and such.

Dreamer November 18, 2008 at 11:23 pm

Can we thank ACORN for this victory? Oh wait, there are no minorities to register in Alaska. Well wait till someone tells Sarah Palin her root to the senate just got blocked and she will find say about 5000 votes in Wasilla.

Constitutional Riots November 18, 2008 at 11:23 pm

SayItWithWookies: VECO – my thoughts exactly. Hopefully we can watch the snowball grow bigger and go faster as Ms. AlassKah has to answer something about Todd’s “buddies”, the ones that were just hangin’ around Wasilla with nuttin’ to do when the the Palin’s 4 bed, 4 bath, 2 story lakefront home was built in all haste. http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/10/11/111018/34/47/627460

This tangled plot has the potential to get all Perry Mason….such as, Raymond Chandler’s, “The Lady in the Lake”, also.

Ted Perino November 18, 2008 at 11:24 pm

1) Grizzly Bear Cage Death Match with The Russian, Begich.
2) Our snowbilly princess doesn’t know the meaning of the word “sad”.

DCBulloch November 18, 2008 at 11:26 pm

NOOOOOO. Who will represent the interest of the Lollipop Guild now. Tragic.

glamourdammerung November 18, 2008 at 11:28 pm

[re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]: For someone that bitches so much about Obama, you sure seem very forgiving of Stevens. Almost like you had some kind of agenda…hmm…

johnbpt November 18, 2008 at 11:30 pm

Them Alaskans done good. I say we let ‘em into the union!

trophy(forparticipation)wife November 18, 2008 at 11:30 pm


sezme November 18, 2008 at 11:32 pm

Generic ‘tube’ joke I think is funnier than all the previously posted tube jokes.

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 18, 2008 at 11:37 pm

You know election season is officially since Greta Van Susteren is talking about Natalee Holloway tonight on FOX.

LuckyJim November 18, 2008 at 11:39 pm

[re=180635]sezme[/re]: Generic sezme douche joke I think is funnier than all the previously posted douche jokes.

Scooter November 18, 2008 at 11:41 pm

Yeah, he may have lost the election, but next thing ya know Ted will get a patron to jack up his prison cell and build a rumpus room underneath, then add decks and porches all around.

NoWireHangers November 18, 2008 at 11:43 pm


I feel like the HMS BigAss just hit an iceberg and I’ve got to unload all my tube jokes. I see some fine Wonketteers have already tossed a few overboard. Quickly! Quickly! Has felching been covered yet? Aw shit, here is a series of haikus:

Ted Stevens knew tubes,
Texas tea, and Caribou
The Internets thrive

The Alaskan tubes
Throbbed with oily sludge; black gold
This tube is now clear

A Bridge to Nowhere
Dies in the Alaskan north
Russia rears its head

Tomthebunny November 18, 2008 at 11:43 pm

As an Alaskan, I’m sick and tired of hearing Ted’s apologists talk about all the good he’s done for the state during his tenure- excuse me, but wasn’t that HIS FUCKING JOB? Screw that and screw him- he can take his sense of entitlement off to jail. Asshole. Good thing I’m not bitter.

azw88 November 18, 2008 at 11:43 pm

To get out of my doghouse, Alaska must send Palin back to Wassila in 2 years. and they must do so convincingly, whether it be beating her in her re-up for gov or smash her grab for the senate seat.

SayItWithWookies November 18, 2008 at 11:44 pm

[re=180627]Constitutional Riots[/re]: I remember that story, and it should be further investigated. I am, however, calling bs on the such as + literary reference + also construction. That’s like L7 touring with Sean Assity’s freedom concert thingy.

[re=180637]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: That’s frightening. I mean, if Natalee Holloway can make a comeback, then so can Sarah Palin.

Johnny Zhivago November 18, 2008 at 11:45 pm

Ted Stevens can “kiss the baby”


wander_lust November 18, 2008 at 11:51 pm

this brings joy to my day

Anonymous Office Zombie November 18, 2008 at 11:51 pm


trophy(forparticipation)wife November 18, 2008 at 11:51 pm

[re=180640]Scooter[/re]: and a prison gurl to with tit-bids to sweep out his jawn.

trophy(forparticipation)wife November 18, 2008 at 11:54 pm

oopsie, red wine again.

shortsshortsshorts November 18, 2008 at 11:59 pm

You people are disgusting right now. Anniegetyourfun, who is a real person believe it or now (Ripleys reference er something) has decided this was not a place to her favor. We are talking a longtime commenter here people.

Be more funny or die. I, as well as most of the longstanding commenter community, don’t care. The “editors” might care, but that is because Ken is an awesome dood who has recently decided to say “fuck this” and Jim is a hopeful blogger-type who said “fuck this” months ago but never got his page-view share of it. Everyone is pissed off now. However Jim is being too arrogant to actually READ these tips that come. In circumstance, only Tony the Tiger, a piece of shit, can deal with it.


trophy(forparticipation)wife November 19, 2008 at 12:04 am

[re=180657]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Okay then, sort your shorts. Bring the fun. It’s late and I’m ready for your “funny”.

azw88 November 19, 2008 at 12:04 am

[re=180593]badmuthagoose[/re]: that’s why I wanted him kicked out so they could then vote to kill his benefits….. I am tired of crooked politicians making coin after getting caught… I think that they should seize Ted’s house that was renovated, as the work was ill-gotten, just like a drug dealers Escalade.

ghardcastle November 19, 2008 at 12:09 am


shortsshortsshorts November 19, 2008 at 12:13 am

[re=180660]trophy(forparticipation)wife[/re]: You fucking liberals argue against each other all the time, but you never think of the children. THE CHILDREN.
That makes me the proudest http://www.pornhub.com member who has ever lived.

TeddyS November 19, 2008 at 12:20 am

Poor Teds. I sads. Luckily, Sarah is there to pick up the GOP torch in Alaska and bop some baby seal over the head.

NoWireHangers November 19, 2008 at 12:22 am

[re=180657]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Shorts, are you drunk?

shortsshortsshorts November 19, 2008 at 12:32 am

I have never been more sober than I am not, but the I.V. was filled with eggnog when I was a little baby (to be eaten by the hungry Republican party), so who knows…

Constitutional Riots November 19, 2008 at 12:42 am

SayItWithWookies: Some of us like to spend time here, out of the anal area. I needed a reason to stop commenting here, so thanks.

Ken Layne November 19, 2008 at 12:42 am

[re=180657]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Goddammit are you Jim Newell?

SayItWithWookies November 19, 2008 at 12:49 am

[re=180683]Constitutional Riots[/re]: *?*

shortsshortsshorts November 19, 2008 at 12:55 am

[re=180684]Ken Layne[/re]: http://www.secureourdream.com/forums/showthread.php?p=103#post103

I don’t even know who I am anymore. Please overlord, tell me. (OH and by the way I’ll be going to Bishop, Goldfield and skiing in Mammoth for Turkey Day for the specific purpose of torturing you and stealing your house for Somalian pirates, who have already given me a very HEFTY reward.)

Shit I’ve been here for 3 years and stuffs (what does Rum do to a man?)

shortsshortsshorts November 19, 2008 at 1:18 am

[re=180684]Ken Layne[/re]: And one other thing, the site’s a fuckload more funny when you are here.

No disrespect to Jim, but Senor Layne has quite an edge on the definition of world assfucking affairs.
Meh. Jim’s funny as hell, but Mr. Mojave Los Angeles carries the key to my heart-erection.


Dildo Baggins November 19, 2008 at 1:32 am

[re=180569]rambone[/re]: Yeah, and the whole dying of AIDS thing…

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 19, 2008 at 1:33 am

[re=180645]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I had not thought of that chilling implication.

Still, it says something about how safe our society must be that another blond teenager hasn’t gotten herself killed in a warm place for, what, a decade now?

druranium November 19, 2008 at 1:35 am

So long to the corrupt clown that made one of my favorite desktop backgrounds possible!

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 19, 2008 at 1:37 am

[re=180657]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: The problem is that no one listens. Have you checked out http://ideas.rebuildtheparty.com/ lately? They have rid themselves of the only decent advice given, but have left up the Paultard ideas? What the hell is with that weak shit?

Dildo Baggins November 19, 2008 at 1:39 am

[re=180624]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Cali’s not so great. I mean you’ve got a whole lotta jackasses living in absurd exurban developments that won’t survive the next firestorm, driving fucking Hummers, and hooking up in SF, while still voting for Prop 8. Alaska’s a beautiful place, somewhat degraded by having fuckfaces like Sarah P. and Mister Tubes. Still, I’d rather live there than in San Berdoo.

Sorry for the bad language!

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 19, 2008 at 1:41 am

[re=180684]Ken Layne[/re]: Ken, Shorty can’t be Jim. Pornhub has absolutely no photos involving fish.

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 19, 2008 at 1:44 am

[re=180712]Dildo Baggins[/re]: Yes, but look at the bright side, Living in SoCal has you prepared for the Apocalypse, or Armageddon.

Weeping Jesus November 19, 2008 at 1:48 am

I wish I could go over and offer some consolin’ to that one fine Stevens daughter who was at the trial every day….the one that looks like Belinda Carlisle….yeah, that one…..mmmmmffff……

*experiences deja Jill Biden or something*……

Dildo Baggins November 19, 2008 at 1:48 am

[re=180716]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Nah, My ass is gonna be raptured!

shortsshortsshorts November 19, 2008 at 1:51 am

Obviously Ken knows that a pair or shorts has nothing on Jim Newell, at all, like ever. HOWEVER we must question Ken Layne and his recent transactions with people that aren’t within the Bush Administration. For that alone I think we need to examine teh editor foke moor oftens, and swiftly, like a Salem witch trial.

Aw fuck it I just want to meet Ken fuckin’ Layne down south and have a beer next weekend. This is just not right.

HOWEVER I will argue that he is a terrorist if I don’t meet him for said beer. I HAVE MY WAYS, Mr. LAYNE.

Dildo Baggins November 19, 2008 at 2:00 am

[re=180721]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Shorty–Don’t you realize that “Ken Layne” is only a figment of the collective consciousness. If we stop thinking of him he ceases to exist, just like Hope!

MrHacks November 19, 2008 at 2:34 am
Words November 19, 2008 at 2:37 am

[re=180666]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: [re=180684]Ken Layne[/re]:

I feel the need to interprete, here, oh, Um, ok, have I just read this right: has a hankering for Ken, and there is some common ground to fulfill this?

Why is it a moral imperative to revive/help/support Mr. Jim Newell? Can he carry his weight, literally and mentally, not to mention mentally?

Does he earn his cup of rice for the group? What would Mao/Stalin say? not to remember our history is to be condemned to repeat the damn thing OVER and OVER, and OVER>> ad regurgitem..

Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas to All and To All a Good Night, Yehah ! to the U.S, of America—- the end is near kids, and we don’t know it. (sign)

Mojopo November 19, 2008 at 2:47 am

Happy big fat bag of nothing on your birthday, Ted. Teh Tubes shall miss you. HA HA

Also, I am condensing the Cheat Sheet from The Daily Beast, um – daily (from now until whenever). Tina Brown has big ideas, but I’m faster.

CumaeanSibyl November 19, 2008 at 3:34 am

And in next year’s budget, earmarks are down 90%.

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 19, 2008 at 3:39 am

[re=180723]Dildo Baggins[/re]: If Ken Layne did not exist, Man would have to invent him.

TGY November 19, 2008 at 5:50 am

“I am not one to appoint myself or a member of my family to take the place of any vacancy.”
-Sarah Palin

So, where’s Todd Palin’s seat in the US Senate now, I wonder?

Hound November 19, 2008 at 9:27 am


Toomush Infermashun November 19, 2008 at 10:12 am

Shorts, it’s morning now and not just in America – hope you got some sleep…..Geez….

thefrontpage November 19, 2008 at 10:42 am

Them 250,000 grand worth of home improvements at your idiotic house ain’t lookin’ too purty right now, is they, Teddy boy?

And jist how cans ya’ enjoy them home improvements when yer sittin’ in jail with a bunch o’ other Alaskan politicians and oil executives? Guess yer wife and her corrupt cronies can enjoy the house all by themselves, now!

We hear them Alaskan jails gets might cold in the middle of winter up thar in Alaska. And there ain’t much to do in them cold jails…

Min November 19, 2008 at 10:44 am

It’s the season of miracles.

WIDTAP November 19, 2008 at 12:39 pm

Shorts, my man, just work up the courage to ask Ken out on date and get over it.

Oh for the days when we were all in it just for the hatefucks.

robanybody November 19, 2008 at 1:25 pm

Screenplay ending for “The Ted Stevens Story”:


Oversized Prison Thug
Beeyatch, get over behind the dryer. I ain’t had no nut for 45 minutes.

(in his best Senate-floor shout)

Ain’t no filibusters in this joint, Mummyboy. I said GET IN THERE!

uh… no?


DangerousLiberal November 19, 2008 at 4:32 pm

[re=180563]tocute2btrue[/re]: Uhh, what the fuck? Who invited all our crazy old uncles to the party? No, the difference between Ted Stevens and the rest of the Senate is that Ted Stevens is a convicted felon. Get it? This “they all do it but only Ted got caught” bullshit is, in the words of my man H.L. Mencken, is “buncombe doubly damned.”

facehead November 19, 2008 at 5:40 pm

[re=180721]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Gratz, this is the first time anyone has won a thread by brute force.

Gopherit November 19, 2008 at 5:40 pm

[re=180641]NoWireHangers[/re]: Brilliant. Bravo.

shortsshortsshorts November 19, 2008 at 7:13 pm

[re=181571]facehead[/re]: Oh drunkenness.

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