america's columnist

The Time Has Come To Ponder Bill Kristol’s Future

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

For the past year, the liberal New York Times has published a comical fraud letter every Monday from its “lightning rod conservative” columnist, the Republican party operative Bill Kristol. This has provided your Wonkette with many posts! We were planning on ignoring him late last year, until the Times‘ opinion editor challenged us by calling Kristol a “serious, respected conservative intellectual” and us “intolerant.” Not only is the first half of that wrong, but Kristol doesn’t even care about his column! So will he keep it for another year? The douche himself speaks!

The Conde Nast Portfolio news publication caught up with Kristol at some thing and asked about his future at the Times. Clearly it weighs heavily on his mind, this decision about whether to keep his 750-words in the most-read opinion market on the planet:

“I don’t think I’ve had that conversation yet,” he told me.

Okay — but would he like to have it renewed? “I’m ambivalent. It’s been fun. It’s a lot of work. I have a lot of things going on. But I haven’t really focused on it.”

Kristol said he planned to talk to Andy Rosenthal, the Times’s editorial-page editor, “soon.”

Ha ha, he doesn’t give a hoot. He cares about nothing more than getting Republicans elected (as we all do!) This is mostly what George Packer has to say in a thorough take-down at the elitist caviar-financed New Yorker magazine:

The real grounds for firing Kristol are that he didn’t take his column seriously. In his year on the Op-Ed page, not one memorable sentence, not one provocative thought, not one valuable piece of information appeared under his name. The prose was so limp (“Who, inquiring minds want to know, is going to spare us a first Obama term?”) that you had the sense Kristol wrote his column during the commercial breaks of his gig on Fox News Sunday and gave it about the same amount of thought.


Sponsored Intermission

The degeneration of the conservative movement from William F. Buckley and Milton Friedman to Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin is a subject that will require more than one book (Mark Lilla got a start in this fine Wall Street Journal column). Kristol’s performance on the Op-Ed page during the most interesting election in a generation is a historical symptom, not merely a personal failure. He wrote badly because his world view had become problematic at best, untenable at worst, and he had spent too many years turning out Party propaganda to summon the intellectual resources that a difficult situation required.

Another interesting thing about Bill Kristol is that he is much shorter and fatter in real life. Your Wonkette saw him in New Hampshire and St. Paul and were like, “Whoa hey this guy is much shorter and fatter in real life.” And that’s fine! But he doesn’t really look short or fat on teevee, know? Oh and in St. Paul, he was walking behind Jonah Goldberg — who is a 7-foot, 300-pound goateed spittle monster — and Jonah Goldberg had worse press access than us. The Republican Convention! Jonah! Son of Lucianne! So he should also be fired from whichever Times op-ed page he writes for. Los Angeles Times? Yes, that one.

Kristol ‘Ambivalent’ About Keeping ‘Times’ Column [Portfolio]
After Kristol [New Yorker]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Too Lazy To Sign In

    Well, the Project for A New American Century is up and running again after being down for about 6 months. Its obvious that they are cooking up something positively evil in that office of them.

    I hear that if you send them your cell number they will text message you at three AM to tell you what country they are planning to invade next. (I personally have my money on Qutar).

  • Serolf Divad

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news (and please don’t ask me for my sources on this one, as I’m bound to complete secrecy until the deal goes through) but The New York Times is bleeding cash in a serious way and not likely to get the funding it needs to operate beyond April 2009. At that point Kristol plans to leverage his ownership stake in the Weekly Standard to buy the New York Times outright. Once the ink is dried on the deal, Kristol plans to fire the news and editorial staff (including reporters) and take over all duties at the paper, penning all articles that appera in the Times himself. It is to become, essentially, a print edition blog for William Kristol.

    Anyway, that’s what my well placed sources are telling me.

  • TGY

    So, Bill Kristol writes using by stream-of-unconsciousness because he is a gigantic tool. So surprised, I am!

  • Rev. Juan MessyCan

    Oh, christ, do we have to bear with him ANY longer? I mean, why even bother skewering him? Oh, that’s right, cuz Palin was his fault. Skewerings in this lifetime and an eternity in hell are not payment enough.

  • Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Awww. I’ll miss mocking that douchenozzle. But since Fox and the GOP turn out a new asshat every five seconds, at least there will always be others. Stay klassy, Bill!

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=180140]Serolf Divad[/re]: that sounds like an Onion article, but too horrible even for the Onion to joke about. Oh noes!

  • Cape Clod

    It is hard work keeping the unedurable weight of reality from crushing your wing-nut fantasy cocoon.

  • 2druk2phluq

    Krystol is the Anti-funny. Not only can’t I come up with anything to say about the asshat, other funny ideas I had before reading this have now vacated my brain (in search of a more livable area). If a manufacturer labeled him funny and sold him, then they would have to refund the money and face a false advertising lawsuit. He is to snark as Bush is to nifty neato.

  • choinski

    Let’s put a lightning rod to its best use: strap him to the highest steeple during an electrical storm.

  • TGY

    [re=180142]TGY[/re]: Funny. I was using stream-of-unconsciousness when I wrote that.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Considering the day it’s been, I’m thinking the NYT will “Lieberman” him.

    You know, because he’s currently a uniquely intellectual conservative voice in a right center US America full of freedom and prosperity.


  • Deepthroat

    This George Packer fellow is one of my new heros.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=180147]Rev. Juan MessyCan[/re]: If he had anything to do with Palin other than putting in a few word, he should be at the front of the Conservative movement, flag in hand.

  • randomsausage

    I liked him more when he did The Oscars

  • Mustang

    I cannot stand this guy. More than any other pundit anywhere ever. When he comes on TV, my husband runs around the house frantically shutting windows because he is afraid the neighbors will find out what white trash I really am when they hear the horrible horrible words I scream at the television.

  • Mustang

    Except for Brooks, but I’m pretty sure they are the same person.

  • fish with broken dreams

    [re=180156]Deepthroat[/re]: Packer is the Macaroni.

  • Kev-O-Tron

    He should stick to hosting the Oscars.

  • bfstevie

    Dr. Kristol is no longer listed as a speaker on this summer’s National Review Mediterranean Cruise on the MS. Peggy Noonan. But you can still catch on the Weekly Standard Mediterranean Cruise, on the same ship. (google Weekly Standard Cruise)

    With Bill so busy doing really important things that he is so good at, I would like to be the first to suggest that serious, respected conservative intellectual Joe the Plumber take over Kristol’s column at the Times.

  • Hairy Reed

    [re=180140]Serolf Divad[/re]: Whoa, you had me scared there for a moment.

  • Deepthroat

    Bill Kristol has never looked better

  • Hairy Reed

    [re=180165]Mustang[/re]: Brooks was almost reasonable after WALNUTS! picked Palin. But no more. Sad to him.

  • bitchincamaro

    He’s hightailing it before the dreaded lefty beast, Bono begins trolling the halls of the op-ed floor. Anyway, he can live off the royalties he receives from The Simpsons, for the inspirational contributions he’s made to the Rusty the Clown character.

  • Come here a minute

    Don’cha hate it when you get one of those…whadayacallit…oh yeah…ball peen hammers banging on your nuts. Yeah, I hate it when that happens.

  • Capitol Hillbilly

    he has NOT earned a puppy.

  • DemmeFatale

    [re=180140]Serolf Divad[/re]: I fervently hope, (and I think I speak for many others), that your mysterious sources are wrong. *sob*

  • bfstevie

    [re=180164]Mustang[/re]: I’m a gay man but Mustang, after reading your post I’m inexplicably attracted to you.

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=180176]bitchincamaro[/re]: make that, Krusty. geeze.

  • qwerty42

    [re=180172]bfstevie[/re]: Joe the Plumber is really your go to guy in a situation like this. whatever this situation is. i dunno. but Joe the Plumber !!!

  • 4tehlulz

    [re=180174]Deepthroat[/re]: My alma mata represents!

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=180165]Mustang[/re]: They both get their rouge and lipstick from the same place — Sherwin-Williams.

  • Too Lazy To Sign In

    [re=180174]Deepthroat[/re]: [re=180187]4tehlulz[/re]: My Alma Mata, too!


  • magic titty

    “I have a lot of things going on.”

    Unemployed losers use this line muchly.

  • Mustang

    [re=180181]bfstevie[/re]: I know. Sometimes I wish I had a gay husband, so we could scream at the TV together.

  • Them

    How many subscribers do you think the Times will lose if they don’t pick up Krustol the Klown?

    Well, probably a bunch, because that’s how newspaper subscribers roll these days. But none because they dumped Bill.

    Seriously, does anyone actually read Kristol outside of pundits who want to have a stupid funny they can say on the TeeVee?

  • randomsausage

    I don’t get this whole “conservative pundit” gig. Do you get lots of chicks throwing themselves at you? I had a mate at university who basically became a Conservative for a while because he could deflower an astonishing amount of innocent young things from the cornfields….who were interning with Jack Kemp, The Heritage Foundation etc.

  • magic titty

    [re=180174]Deepthroat[/re]: bukkake?

  • 4tehlulz

    [re=180196]Too Lazy To Sign In[/re]: Class of 94. You?

  • Anonymous Office Zombie

    I love mocking this hack among hacks. Please keep posting on him.

    Who, inquiring minds want to know, is going to spare us a first Obama term?

    Bah! I dashed off the “inquiring minds want to know” line on a blog post yesterday. I bet at least half of the Wonkette readership could out-write Kristol Meth.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=180223]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: Honey please, a strung-out guttersnipe crack ho could out-write Kristol.

  • WadISay

    Another interesting thing about Bill Kristol is that he is much shorter and fatter in real life.

    Also, his dick is much smaller than all the chest thumping and warmongering would lead you to believe.

  • NewSpence

    Here’s some fun facts about Bill Kristol:

  • bfstevie

    [re=180199]Mustang[/re]: I’m pretty sure those Christian folks who can turn somebody un-gay can reverse the process. It’s simply a matter of switching the polarity on the flux capacitor. How does your husband feel about show tunes and cats?

  • bfstevie

    [re=180199]Mustang[/re]: Beware, this process is not without risk. (Remember the movie “The Fly”?) If something went wrong they could turn your husband into Andrew Sullivan.

  • zetetic

    [re=180208]magic titty[/re]: No way. I wouldn’t ejaculate on Bill Kristol even if he was on fire.

  • wheelie

    Newell, are you saying Kristol has fat thighs? Hmmmm? No need to be so sexyist now.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=180198]magic titty[/re]: Those things are mainly in his bowels.

    [re=180174]Deepthroat[/re]: All that I can think of when I see that photo are the starving children in China.

  • Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=180228]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:
    You may have a point there.

    Can we haz a new TV reality show where irrelevant, conservative journalists are forced to compete in word-smithing activities and are slowly eliminated one by one, by which I mean are fed to sharks?

  • wade williams

    look up the definition of mealy mouthed in the dictionary!

  • SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Does this mean the Post might jetison that hysterical wingnut Gerson?

  • hillarys_left_nut

    [re=180242]WadISay[/re]: No, I’d wager it’s exactly the size that all the chest-thumping and warmongering, etc….

  • Who,Moi?

    Haz a wonderful Thanksgiving appetizer, I overheard from my employer’s conversation with her chef.

    Fresh fig, stuff with gorgonzola dolce, wrap with genuine (need this be said? in other words, there are two kinds of people in the world. Those who use sea salt and those who…don’t) prosciutto, smoke quickly on wood fired grill.

  • messickc (ROLL TIDE!)
  • Tra

    I will miss his desperate, red-faced, see-i’m-a-good-sport-while-you-rip-me-to-shreds laughter on the Daily Show.

    Oh, wait, he’s not being fired from life? Ah well …

  • sanantonerose

    I haven’t really focused on it.


  • Johnny Zhivago

    Keep him on as the Time’s token fat little cretin.

  • dougbob

    count me in as another intellectual for joe the plumber getting the gig.

  • Scandalabra

    I think Billyboi needs to be topped by an aggressive Jeff Stryker type. That will shut her up.

  • Chief Grinning Eagle

    When the new administration gets congress to approve, and start up a serious stem cell experimentation program, maybe Billy Crystal the comic could lend Bill Kristol a few genes to make him funnier and more liberal.

    He could even change his name to Billy Kristol.

    That’s pretty conservative isn’t it?

  • imissopus

    [re=180179]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: He’d just eat it anyway.

  • toxic_orange

    B. Kristol has tiny hands.

  • Valkyrie

    [re=180172]bfstevie[/re]: So, is the National Review party cruising on the SS Titanic? Didn’t they get the memo about our hard times? I bet their shipboard games include thinking up ways to seem even more out of touch than they already are.

  • Toomush Infermashun

    Serolf: See, in my more modest fantasy, he and Kathryn Lopez hook up and take a tour to Gilligan’s Island….Yes, on the SS Minnow, of course….

  • ladymacbeth

    i wish i could be the wit behind the inevitable, terrible rejuvenation of the right. in some small way. any way really. cause i could make so much money.

    but i have no ideas and the ones i have are passe and also, i’m really lazy. plus old.

    you wonkette people should do that.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I think there should be a cage match to the death between Bill Kristol and Tucker Carlson to determine who the real voice of modern conservatism is. With the winner to take on Anne Coulter.

  • LoneGOPinMass

    Wonkette, you are vapid, and what is worse, so redundant and predictable. You need a new shtick or heaven forbid, some actual creativity. It is actually painful to read your drivel, but it is like watching a slow motion train wreck where you try as you might you just cannot avert your eyes.

    And so I look forward, in some demented way, of reading more of your crap tomorrow so put the recorder on rewind, change some names and a couple of verb tenses and away we go!

  • Fivetree

    He’s a predictable Twatwaffle. And he thinks he right about things but he’s never been right about a single damn thing. I’ll bet John McCain would like to rip his balls off for forcing the Fraudbot onto the ticket. But he serves a purpose – as long as the Republitards keep following his asinine advice they will sink further and further into irrelevance. He’s the best thing that ever happened to the Democratic party.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=180522]LoneGOPinMass[/re]: In other words, you want more articles on Butt Sex.

  • trophy(forparticipation)wife

    Didn’t someone spit on him when he was a kid? I think I read that in the first chapter of his book ten plus years ago.

  • Min

    Oh, look. He’s making the international sign for “loser” with his fingers. How appropriate.

  • passiveagressive

    He was so smarmy on Jon Stewart right before the election. His buffoonery is pretty effective at making the GOP look intellectually bankrupt, though. Which is why he should KEEP the column, people!

  • MarysNeck

    He’s got some pretty disturbing rosacea going on.

    Guess he’s not taking his doctor’s advice about foods that are bad for that skin condition.

  • Too Lazy To Sign In

    [re=180212]4tehlulz[/re]: Class of ’07! Nice to meet you.

    Fight Fight Inner Light!
    Kill Quakers Kill!

    I was actually in the audience when Kristol was pied. It was one of the best days of my life.

  • palmerdawg

    Kristol balls always have that look on his face, you now, i just fuck the cat look, or i can’t wait to go home and get on the phone with my 2 BFF Sean handjob and billo the clown.
    geezz, what a moroon!

  • palmerdawg

    [re=180522]LoneGOPinMass[/re]: Oh my, a die hard McDarkseid/Paleshit groupe. You mean the train wreck that is the GOP, thank you for acknowledging what your party is really all about.

  • elZaphod

    In his defense he always gets laughs on the Daily Show. He lets Stewart roast him with a smile on his face.

  • Rowdy Monster

    [re=180522]LoneGOPinMass[/re]: buddy, you need to chill out, maybe go smoke a doobie, and then go do some gay porn with Bill Kristol. BTW, that should be that sexy man’s new career.